Being a good person is a lifelong task. And it's not always clear if we're on the right path or not. Our psyche is so complex and there are so many forces shaping it that we often don't even notice the ways in which we change.
However, if we want to have a say in what becomes of us, self-awareness is critical. There are many ways to tap into it, but the first step is usually taking an honest look at ourselves. That includes the flaws too. It can be challenging to break our defenses and explore the deepest corners of our personality, but as cliche as it sounds, nobody's perfect, and the sooner we realize that, the easier it can be.
To help ourselves accept that, let's look at a Reddit post, created by user fafifafufa. More specifically, its comments—after the Redditor asked everyone, "What's your most toxic trait you can admit to?", many folks provided honest answers about themselves. Here are some of them.
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I’m an unintentional one-upper.
I’m not trying to steal the attention during a story or cut you off, I’m just overly excited that I can relate to you and want to share my similar story.
I'm constantly trying to stop myself from doing this, and it's like you say, it's not to belittle the other person, just excited to tell my similar story, in case it helps the other person.
Me too. And I try so hard not to say anything, because I feel like others think I am just talking about myself and bragging or complaining all the time
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Right? Is it so that this is also one of the indicators for having ADHD? I think I'm struggling here, I don't know if I have it or not (the last few years I think I could have ADHD or ADD)
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Yeah i notice when i text sometimes, its usually some sort of story that happened to me, having to do with the topic. See, i just did it just now lol
This is particularly common amongst people with Autism. It's a form of empathy; one-upping implies intent, like deliberately trying to belittle someone, while sharing a similar story is actually a way to bond and relate. I'm disappointed this is on a list of toxic traits.
Sadly it's here because neurodiverse people are still misunderstood and expected to act neurotypical
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I have ADHD and this is a very common trait - it's not toxic at all, it's the way our brains are wired and how executive (dys)function works.
I've just filled in a form to be referred for an ADHD assessment and this is one of the questions. I do it all the time :(
The wisdom teeth story. No matter what your experience was, there's always someone waiting to swoop in and tell you of their much worse time.
That's a funny example. I had such an easy time when mine were removed and a friend had hers done at about the same time and had an absolutely horrific time. The split is about 50/50 for awful or excellent.
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I have this sometimes. I don't know when to begin speaking so I cut you off and then while I'm taking I'm thinking....crap I cut them off, now I look like a jerk...so then I try to revert back to what they were saying. Its just the excitement of actually being able to relate to a story, which doesn't happen often.
This is a neurodivergent trait, not a toxic one, just seen annoying from neurotypical point of view, as many other neurodivergent traits. It's not one-upping, it's showing in meaningful way that I can understand your struggle as I have been through something similar. Unfortunately the neurotypical inability to understand other ways of communications (such as labeling sharing similar experiences in a conversational matter as toxic) usually always lead us to feel bad about our different ways of communicating, leads masking and lifetime of mental illness as an attempt to accommodate inflexible neurotypicals.
I know someone who does this all the time. Interrupts a conversation, with sometimes not even a similar experience, story etc and then completely diverts the conversation away to something else. E.g my Dad passed away, her simiar experience was her Uncle being ill... He didn't die
I do not think that is one-upping..it is just sharing. I would listen.
Not sure if any ones posted this, however this is a very common sign of adhd in adults (speaking from experience). It's actually because some are better able to contextualize the story if they can relate it to something in their own life. If anything it's a sign of compassion and genuine caring that you do so !
Ctd ... another option though is so be upfront when a close friend confides in you and saying " are you looking to vent or are you looking for solutions?" If they want to just vent ... mum is the word !
Load More Replies... My favorite one-uppers are the horror stories women share surrounding their labor and delivery process. All three of mine were super easy. I was at a baby shower once where the woman who had the worst labor/delivery experience won a prize It was at a baby shower being thrown for me. 😂 I think everyone expects it to be a grueling process and they are genuinely surprised to hear about someone having it easy.
It's really common for people to do this in an effort to be likable, when, in fact, it has an opposite effect. Everyone naturally wants to talk about themselves, but in the moment that you are listening to someone, instead of trying to relate, ask questions, make comments, and seem genuinely interested. Let them finish their whole story and answer questions, eventually they will ask your experience, and if they don't, well that's okay too. Listening makes you likable, not "relating" with your one-up story. Besides, I personally feel a person is MUCH more interesting if you don't know anything about them. A long time ago I realized that people who always talk about themselves are much less likable than the people that listen and ask questions. So I decided tone mysterious
YES!!! I get people do it on accident, however some people just do it and do it. It's not you trying to relate to me, it is you not listening to my problem or story, or whatever I'm speaking about, it's that what I'm saying reminds you of something and you would much rather talk about yourself. It's annoying and i completely lose interest in talking to you after that. I mean you can tell the people that are not even listening to you but waiting for you to pause for a second so that they can start talking about themselves.
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Same! I don't know how to relate to people so I use anecdotes
I imagine myself in this situation. I've just shared something very difficult and personal, and everybody just goes: Hmmm. Nobody says: I'm the same way, I get you. Nobody offers a similar story. i don't know about you folks, but I would feel absolutely humiliated and a fool.
I got adhd if i don't tell the story right then and there, it will ve lost forever. Plus i only have like two good stories
oh wow, I used to be like this in my teens to early 20's. I didn't realize this until I saw intentional one-uppers showcase posts. I used to really enjoyed sharing cool things when people shared cool things. Now I'm kind of afraid of looking like a jerk though, even when I don't have jerk intentions. >_>
Wow, what an amazing story about your trip to Rome. The last time I was there I walked into the Pope, and he asked us for dinner. We had a great time, talking to him and his wife, playing with their kids. It was lovely.
Dude I do the same thing and I’ve been trying really hard to stop. I don’t do it on purpose.
This is so me. I have to MAKE MYSELF STOP. It's definitely not to one up. I just have so much to share. I know it's awful and I truly work on it daily.
I do this. I've found out that it's a fairly common trait amongst neurodivergent people. It a way of saying "I understand how you feel/what you're going through"
Guilty 😳 Recently found out it's a common adhd trait - a few years after my diagnosis - and realised I'd been doing my whole life. Adhders very passionately want/need to be understood and connect with others but find it hard to control themselves. And ironically we often do have a better story cos our adhd can lead to us living crazy lives!
This is reassuring. I'm not alone. The number of times I can relate to what someone is saying and want to share; then have to bite my tongue because it'll look like I'm bringing conversation around to me. If I slip up, I recover by immediately asking them for more detail about their experience and swap roles again.
This is apparently a common neuro-divergent trait, I also do it, but I'm trying to stop
This goes hand in hand with ADHD. It's an attempt to relate to people that comes off as one-upmanship.
knew a guy like this in a big way. we used to come up with crazy untrue stories just to see what he would come up with to top it.
Yeah, done that. I did it once to this girl and she actually corrected me on the pronunciation of the person's name i made up
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Simple: Shut up, calm down, and listen. People like to be heard. Then when you feel they've said pretty much what they wanted to say, you then can say what you want to say. If you cut them right off and one-up their story it feels like you stepped on their face.
Load More Replies... Same. I think that people often experience feeling misunderstood, because others can't relate to them. Some things you only know how it feels once you've gone through a situation, like a loved one dying or being broke. I unintentionally one-up people because I want them to feel understood, if I have similar experiences. I'm trying to stop myself from doing it, because the effect is the opposite of what I want to achieve.
I absolutely hate this. I’m one of those people who are for some reason always being cut-off and talked over so that everyone else can tell THEIR stories instead. It’s incredibly disheartening. Especially if I always listen when you want to tell me something. After 40 yrs of enduring this rudeness from most people I don’t even try to tell my stories anymore. I just keep my mouth shut. And don’t ask me why I’m so quiet…people like YOU are the reason I’m quiet!
Have you read the introduction article? It's something TOXIC that people are sharing about themselves. Nobody said anything about being positive - it's the other way around.
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I'm emotionally unavailable. Sometimes I just disappear. My closest friends understand this but it's off putting for new friendships. It's nothing personal, I just need to recharge.
I'm extremely insecure and overthink a lot, I feel constant fear of being disliked or abandoned, I need a lot of reassurance in things because my anxiety makes me so scared and worried I either hold on too tight or I push people away even though I want them close which only end up hurting them more.
Growing up feeling very unknown/unseen, I have a tendency to overshare and get excited if someone shows an interest in me. It can come across as overriding and waiting for someone to finish what they are saying just so I can say my thing. I also want people to genuinely like me so I tell them a lot of the bad or difficult stuff right away, so they are pre-warned and I don't feel like I'm wasting my time with someone who can't handle the sh*t that lead to who I am now, and the people I still interact with on a semi-regular basis (mainly family)
I just don't care about most things and that apathy has done a lot of harm to myself and others
I can’t let go of things and I take things way too personally. I rationalize it like this “I wouldn’t dream of saying or doing something like that to this person, so why are they doing it to me?”.
Also, I procrastinate like no other. Seriously, you could give me a year, or 2 days to do something. Wouldn’t make a difference.
I'm bad at keeping in touch with people I care about. The phrase out of sight out of mind is really true for me. I tend to just be absorbed by what's right in front of me. It's very rare that I would have a thought like I wonder how my sister is doing or I wonder how such-and-such friend is doing after xyz event or even I wonder how my girlfriends day is going. I care about these people obviously, but they also don't seem to naturally occur to me in my daily thoughts. This unfortunately leaves it up to everyone else to reach out to me, to hang, to make the invitation, to chat, etc. I'm always super stoked when they do, but I regret putting that on them. I'm fortunate that they do all make the effort. I am a good friend... like with anything else I do, when I'm with someone I'm very much absorbed in that interaction, so that I think helps put away any doubts about my interest in the relationship.
Another aspect of it is that I always imagine that everyone else has something going on. I don't want to interrupt or put any pressure of having to accept an invitation on them. I don't know what it's like to be bored at home wishing there was something fun to go out and do.... if I have free time like that I relish in it as a chance to play some video games or watch a movie. I'm a total home body. I have no problem filling my days with productive things/recreation/sports that I enjoy doing on my own. Maybe I lived alone too long and got too good at it.
Bottom line I am trying to better at being the one to reach out. Because I know deep down that it feels good to hear spontaneously from your friends and loved ones, and I want them to feel good.
i relate so much! I just have a hard time believing that people might actually enjoy my company so I leave it to them to reach out. In my head (though it may be irrational) everyone finds me annoying if I speak without being spoken to, so to speak. I'm trying to stop, but it's not easy.
I’m rude to my parents. I had a kind of a rough upbringing but they are more or less nice to me now, but sometimes I just get annoyed at them for no reason. I tried to be nicer to them for years but sometimes I just can’t. I wonder if other people can relate.
I am extremely self deprecating. I don't even let others say nice things about me when I myself won't, going so far as to even try and explain why someone's wrong whenever they try to compliment me about something, I just refute it.
Yes! Whenever someone compliments me, I react by basically telling them why they're wrong. (Example: "good job on that project!" "Thanks, here's a list of things wrong with that project.") I'm trying to stop. It's so reflexive, not doing it takes effort.
I´m way too sarcastic. I do it with friends, family, at work, basically all the time.
Most times the joke lands well and it´s recieved with a laugh. But sometimes I f*cked up.
Not sure why I do it. Maybe I use humor as a defense mechanism like Chandler.
Most of the time when I ask people for their opinions, I don’t actually want to hear 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 opinion. Instead I want to hear my opinion come out of their mouth. I’m always hoping that they will have the same opinion as me because it makes me feel validated. I don’t actually care about what they really think.
I’ve had a best friend ghost me, so I can be really, really clingy now. Unsurprisingly, this encourages more people to ghost. I’m trying to nip it in the bud.
Ken, if you’re reading this, get bent.
I overanalyze every single conversation I have with one specific person.
After a fight I need time to cool off. I don't particularly like conflict. I feel like if I were to say everything I honestly thought in a fight, I would be incredibly hurtful, and so, distancing myself is a necessary step in repairing things, so I'm level headed enough to fix what needs fixing later. Not everything you think needs to be said, you should be selective imo.
Every partner I've had gets frustrated that I won't speak to them for a bit, even if I explicitly say that I need time to cool off.
i think that's shame on them, not on you. i do the same thing (in general, not just with partners and stuff. and people for me have been fine with it, it's normal.)
I'm a people pleaser. Saying no isn't hard and it isnt something you should overlook as an option
I have impossibly high standards for myself and I tend to place this on others as well. Then I get pissy/grouchy when people fail me. Deep down it is a self protection mechanism, having been let down by so many people, it is just easier to assume and expect the worst, that even the best of those I love will let me down.
I’m a complainer.
I'm a fixer, when I hear a complaint from someone it's like a call to action reflex and I immediately go into, 'how do we fix the problem?' mode. What I have had to learn over time is that some people are so comfortable with complaining that fixing problems is a threat to their sense of self, like challenging their identity. I've had to reel it in, some people just want to vent, so I let them vent.
I shut down rather than address my emotions and when others emote, I address them with logic. I'm basically a Vulcan.
I’m not good at hiding my emotions. Specifically, if I’m in a bad mood, everyone knows it. I used to be an absolute nightmare when I was younger because of it; I’d turn my bad mood into everyone’s bad mood. I don’t do that anymore, but I’m still not good at hiding it.
Why do you have to hide how you feel? You don’t necessarily need to make everyone else feel the way you do. But your feelings are YOURS. Own them. In a healthy way.
Admitting this to myself took a while, but I think I might be insecure and unsure of who I am to the point that I feel I need to entirely change my persona depending on who I'm with. Like I will be anyone you want me to be, as long as you accept me and like me. I'm so scared that people around me will leave that I've settled on mirroring other peoples behaviours and personalities so that they feel more comfortable and will stay. Who I am as a person depends entirely on who I'm around at that time because this feeds my need for social acceptance. So...basically a people pleaser to the extreme.
same!!! I think of myself as a kind of chameleon. I'm so different in front of different people that they would have a hard time describing me to one another if they ever met. I guess it is a defence mechanism of a sort because I don't deal well with being disliked or judged. I'm trying to stop, but I'm really not sure how.
I procrastinate to a concerning degree as well. I'm starting to think it's because whatever line of work I got myself into is something I hate so so much, and that's why it's so dreadful to start any project, because like, I have no problem being productive when it comes to my hobbies, it's just school/work/chores that I procrastinate on.
I talk about myself way too much and don't ask about the other person nearly enough.
Probably not my most toxic trait but definitely the one that's giving me issues at the moment.
As an introvert sometimes I don't mind when people do this....I don't mind listening and learning about them. You can maybe try that if you mention a personal trait ask if they have it too and see what they say.
I'm very impatient with people and I tend to be very blunt. Sometimes in a rude way but I see that as justified. There's a lot of sh*t society sees as normal or somewhat normal and I'm just sick of it. I don't want to be nice anymore and I don't want to be patient. I just want it to stop. I'm very direct about it and usually I don't care if I'm not being nice.
I hold grudges basically forever and I hate it. To put things in perspective with a little example, a childhood friend one time did something mean to me when we were 7. We kept talking after that, but whenever we did I would remember that day with ridiculous detail like it was etched with a laser on my brain. I finally let go of that grudge one day when we were casually remembering childhood moments and she remembered that day and apologized. About 20 years later.
Yeah, I can do this but I try to remember that I'm letting them live in my head rent free which can help with letting it go. They're quite happy getting along with their life, why should I let it affect mine? Resentments are like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person
I'm very firm and stubborn at times about how I view the world in general. I like to call myself a realist, but I also understand that's exactly what a pessimist says.
I'd call myself a realist. I used to be way more negative, because it's easier than beeing positive. I now make an effort to have a more positive view and I think it's worth it. But if my level of slightly optimistic-realistic is still viewed as pessimisitc, so be it. What I still can't stand are overly optimistic people.
I've begun categorizing things into 'you problems' and 'me problems.' I can control my actions and reactions, and that's it. I can't control anything else. If someone is being an a**hole and upsets me, then that's a them problem and they need to work on that part of themselves. If they're acting with good intentions and it's an accident, then it's a me problem if I hold that against them. Lifting the responsibility off of myself for the actions of others and only establishing accountability for myself really has reduced my stress and guilt.
I have a hard time accepting other people's limitations when it comes to mental health because I was never able to 'indulge' my own. I can't stop the heavy resentment and judgment I feel toward my roommates and friends when they hit the limits of what they can do. When there's a pile of dishes in the sink that my roommate hasn't gotten to because she doesn't have the energy, I get frustrated rather than sympathetic. When my friend talks about how paralyzed they are with phone anxiety I judge them for not getting over it and making the call even though I feel the same.
I've had severe depression and anxiety since I was 13 and suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder since college. I was the only child of a single mother and she didn't have time to be sympathetic. I learned to push through and function at all costs to myself. Laying in bed or not performing as expected wasn't an option I was given. Doing anything to ease my own pain wasn't on the table.
That mentality and the way I grew up fundamentally damaged me. The BPD is a direct result of that. Learning to be easy on myself and accept my own limitations, as well as those of others, is something I work on in therapy a lot. I just can't shift my mindset from the way I was raised into a more human approach to myself and others, and it turns me into a massive as*hole in moments where I should be my most understanding.
Internalized homophobia. I went from refusing to believe I was gay to not wanting anyone else to know to still not really wanting people to know and not wanting to be “that gay.” Some gays got bullied or at least ridiculed and I made sure that wasn’t me.
I can hold a grudge a long time
Grudges and resentments are the same, and resentment can be terribly unhealthy. Someone told me that hanging on to resentment is like drinking poison in order to try and kill the other person.
I ghost people without reason. If I don’t feel to keep in touch with some people (not bc they’re bad or some sort), I won’t bother to reply their chat at least for a week (or longer if the chat went drowned) unless if it’s very important/urgent.
not ghosting, just in general, but I don't start conversations without reason. i despise small talk. i am perfectly fine with just sitting in silence if there's not something we want to talk about.
Note: this post originally had 46 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
You??? I haven't noticed the anger issues. Your posts are always so kind.
Load More Replies... I relate to at least 80% of this list. If I were to add my own, I would say that I can't handle difficult emotions (fear, anger, sadness) so I habitually numb them with addictive behaviors. Also, it's hard for me to feel happy. Like it doesn't happen often, and if it does it goes away as soon as I think about it.
I also have problems dealing with those emotions. I deal with it by suppressing them and holding them inside. Any wonder that I have depression? As for addictive behavior the only one I have now is over eating. My weight is a challenge. I feel bad that it's hard for you to feel happy. Everyone deserves to feel happy.
Load More Replies... I'm really impressed with how self-aware people are. I think awareness is the first step in making positive changes. I sincerely wish for everyone that they get to where they want to be in themselves
I agree. I imagine there are many people who can't recognize such traits in their personalities.
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I liked reading these. I know I'm very opinionated as a person and that's off putting to some, I don't think I'm always right though, I like to twist and turn to see different points of view. I find it very interesting and I can change my mind. But yeah, I know guys that I dated especially would consider that a flaw. I'm also an alcoholic, mostly sober for months and years but yes sometimes I f**k up. I know people get hurt by that and I'm sorry. I honestly don't want to hurt anyone, it's my (destructive) way of processing traumas. I have other coping strategies now that I've learned in treatment, they work most of the time but sometimes I slip up. It's constant work even while sober. I wish people would know that it's not that I want to mess up and I don't do it to hurt anyone.
Bless you, Veronica. My youngest son has struggled with alcoholism for many years and it breaks my heart. I know how you feel. He has never meant to hurt anyone. I wish you the best in your treatment. Don't give up hope.
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Oh, my insecurity is totally my toxicity. As a kid, I was forbidden to tell the truth or show emotion. So I suck at reacting to certain things, and need to chill the f*ck out. I know it, I dislike it, and I'm trying my best. For thirty years. And another thirty, if I live that long. Work in progress, that's me.
I'm of the mind that knowing the issue is half the battle. That's what I tell myself anyway. 🙂
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I feel like I might be narcissistic but don’t go asking around for reasons i myself don’t know. I feel betrayed if someone comes to me if they want something if they haven’t spoken to me in a while. I also don’t know when to crack jokes and I want to tell people about everything I did or happened to me
for #34 see, i sort of relate to this, but like (WARNING: cheesiness ahead)...i care. i do care. deep down i really do. i feel and i care and i love. but for the life of me, i just. CANNOT. bring myself the motivation to do s**t about it. mostly i end up laying in bed, feeling complete indifference/apathy yet at the same time not being able to escape the fact that inside, i care so deeply. I want to get on with my life but time isn't in my favor and I just want it to stop. I'm not going to talk about the specifics of the mental stuff i have been diagnosed with (by a professional, not any of that "I took this internet quiz and this is what i got" bs lol.) but uhhhh yeah, anyone else who's like this?
Micah yes I've been dealing w these same feelings too. I've been diagnosed w depression. You're not alone. Therapy is helping me but it's tough getting the motivation to work on myself even. Therapy is exhausting too. I think many of us are feeling this way bc of the pandemic and of course so many other factors. Nothing brings me joy like it used to even though I miss everything so much especially who I used to be. I hope you have a loving support system. Hugs to you
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I am definitely a people pleaser in the extreme. Even my kids say I'm too nice. It means I get taken advantage of sometimes. I get pissy when people try to give me advice about my medical issues and sometimes go off on them. I've had these chronic conditions for years:I've tried it all and it won't ever get better! I get tired of explaining even though I know they are trying to help.
When fighting with my bf I become very evil, insult him and throw things. I think because at home we never were allowed to argue cause mum was always right and if we dared to argue she'd give us the silent treatment and ignore us (this gave me immense physical pain) until we apologised to her (sometimes on our knees). Even though we were right and she's not.
I get super touchy if I think someone's talking down to me or otherwise treating me like I'm stupid or ignorant. So I put up a grumpy, cynical facade as a defense mechanism for fear that someone's going to find me vulnerable enough to bully as mercilessly as I was during childhood. (Which I spent a good chunk of - that's right - being made to feel stupid. It's pretty easy to connect the dots. It's also no doubt the source of my anger issues later in life).
I was rigorously "trained" as a kid and my resulting insecurities still haunt me. You're not alone in that.
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I have trouble with keeping my opinion to myself. But overall I'm somewhat disturbed by how many of the listed traits I can see in myself 🙈
Don't be disturbed. We all have a little of most of this. I think it becomes a problem when it has a toxic influence in your life (or loved ones). You're absolutely lovely.
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I can ruminate a small annoyance into a major issue and so with that I end up being angry at stuff I just made up by ruminating. Then I'm in one very bad mood. When I know I'm doing that I have to shut myself off from the world or I'll make a major mess up because I'll tell you exactly what I think. I can be very blunt. Also, I "don't suffer fools gladly" as they say. I'm normally a quiet person, but with covid isolation for 2 years, when I've got someone around, now I just don't shut up. Ya. I have issues. 😆 I've been at this so long I have developed a sense of humor about it.
So it starts small (molehill) and you ruminate until it's a mountain? And then you sort of explode? Does this mean you overthink things? Sorry. I'm just being a nosy parker.
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I never forget, and I almost never forgive. I may drop the issue and it might not seem to intrude on my daily interactions with that person, but once they cross a certain line, they no longer get access to my deeper emotions, because once I'm screwed over by them, that's it. I don't trust easily and I don't trust twice after abused once. I realize it isn't healthy (I realize way too much about myself that is negative, even if I hide it), but it became a survival mechanism as I grew up. Unlearning it usually isn't worth the so-called 'release' that is supposed to happen. There have been times I've truly forgiven and felt much better for it, but these are few and far between; usually because someone moved on from a different point in their life as well and it showed in how they became later on. And, to be honest, lest I come across as that hopeless person: The "don't forgive/forget" clause is rare; I can shrug off most of the daily grind without issue. These are deeper matters.
I am narcissistic on the outside and incredibly insecure on the inside.
I was bullied when I was younger really bad, an so I became a people watcher for a long time. And now I have this weird thing where I see everything like an old David Attenborough Animal Planet narration but with people. I can't watch people flirt or date or watch them with that pretend smile at work. Any time a guy has ever flirted with me I always roll my eyes a little because I just assume he's lying or trying to con me. I find myself narrating it like I'm watching stupid animals relating to each other and dancing around with their feathers out. It's really affected my life in the way I interact with people because I never feel like anyone is genuine about anything. I tend to be rude to people sometimes because I just get tired of always assuming they aren't being honest. I always say I'm putting on my 'person suit' when I go to work every day. Sometimes I think it's not that bad and everyone feels this way on some level, but then I realize, no, it's not like this for most people.
I get angry super easily and sometimes I can't get too angry. I'm also just overall way too sensitive. Every single word or action goes straight to my heart instead of going through my brain and being processed. Then I tend to react badly cause of it.
That awkward moment when you realise you share majority of these toxic traits to some extent
I really liked this post. It's really encouraging to see that people can identify their flaws and actively work to fix them. It's something I try to do too, and it gives me hope that there are people who care about hurting others.
For me, aside from some of the things I commented on, my toxic trait is definitely me being super expressive. You can read me like an open book and I find it very hard to hide my feelings. If I'm happy I let the world know, if I'm unhappy I hide away and both are equally noticable for people around me. I'm extroverted so I feel like my 'energy', if you will, takes up too much space in a room. I can be loud, I talk fast when I'm excited and you could fill a room with my opinions and interests. I consciously try to not bulldoze over others, which is never my intention to begin with but I feel that sometimes does happen. I just feel like I'm 'too much', and even if I try to shake that feeling and just be myself, afterwards I doubt whether I was too much or not.
I'm petty. I can't stand it when others get away with stuff (non maskers, anti vaxxers,
I really liked this list; too bad I see a lot of these traits in my friends. :'( I have a friend who must state that he/she is right and it goes like this: Me: Hey, I thought xyz? (I've made a mistake, my fault) Friend: No, ABC. Me: oh, ic. I just thought xyz because [reason]. (I've acknowledged mistake and tried to explain my side) Friend: No, ABC. Me: I know. I just thought XYZ because [reason]. (I tried to explain again because it doesn't seem like friend understood my side. ) Friend, No, ABC. This can go on and on and it completely devastated our friendship early on because it felt like friend was not listening, didn't care, demeaning, and had to have last word. Very toxic. I recognized this behavior in friend and I intentionally stop this back and forth by not explaining my reason for making mistake but it is still sad because I don't get to explain my side to a friend. If I accidentally explain why I made the mistake, I anticipate the response and friend always delivers :(
I never liked talking about my feelings, kind of always afraid of being made fun of, told to adjust, encounter an emotional gatekeeper (ex. they would say "ppl have it worse than you"), or brushed off like nothing. I never really talk about them tbh, I don't think I know how though. I have used comedy and art as my outlet. The root of the issue is from a young childhood.
The fact that ive learnt to suppress my emotions,especially anger is scary,makes me feel like a ticking time bomb
I can be bull headed. I even know I'm being unnecessarily stubborn, not want to be stubborn, but for some reason not let it go. When I do manage to break that behavior, I worry that no one will pay attention if I'm not insistent.
I'm a literal mirror and will talk in the same was as you talk to me when frustrated if you are shouting I will shout too . It Gaslights the situation more
I think I have a personality disorder. I'm scared: because it makes me react in dangerous ways: through anger, sadness, manipulation, and more. If people could see my thoughts they would never talk to me. I lose friends because of it and I haven't been able to tell anybody other than my best friend...who I'm secretly in love with.
You??? I haven't noticed the anger issues. Your posts are always so kind.
Load More Replies... I relate to at least 80% of this list. If I were to add my own, I would say that I can't handle difficult emotions (fear, anger, sadness) so I habitually numb them with addictive behaviors. Also, it's hard for me to feel happy. Like it doesn't happen often, and if it does it goes away as soon as I think about it.
I also have problems dealing with those emotions. I deal with it by suppressing them and holding them inside. Any wonder that I have depression? As for addictive behavior the only one I have now is over eating. My weight is a challenge. I feel bad that it's hard for you to feel happy. Everyone deserves to feel happy.
Load More Replies... I'm really impressed with how self-aware people are. I think awareness is the first step in making positive changes. I sincerely wish for everyone that they get to where they want to be in themselves
I agree. I imagine there are many people who can't recognize such traits in their personalities.
Load More Replies... I liked reading these. I know I'm very opinionated as a person and that's off putting to some, I don't think I'm always right though, I like to twist and turn to see different points of view. I find it very interesting and I can change my mind. But yeah, I know guys that I dated especially would consider that a flaw. I'm also an alcoholic, mostly sober for months and years but yes sometimes I f**k up. I know people get hurt by that and I'm sorry. I honestly don't want to hurt anyone, it's my (destructive) way of processing traumas. I have other coping strategies now that I've learned in treatment, they work most of the time but sometimes I slip up. It's constant work even while sober. I wish people would know that it's not that I want to mess up and I don't do it to hurt anyone.
Bless you, Veronica. My youngest son has struggled with alcoholism for many years and it breaks my heart. I know how you feel. He has never meant to hurt anyone. I wish you the best in your treatment. Don't give up hope.
Load More Replies... Oh, my insecurity is totally my toxicity. As a kid, I was forbidden to tell the truth or show emotion. So I suck at reacting to certain things, and need to chill the f*ck out. I know it, I dislike it, and I'm trying my best. For thirty years. And another thirty, if I live that long. Work in progress, that's me.
I'm of the mind that knowing the issue is half the battle. That's what I tell myself anyway. 🙂
Load More Replies... I feel like I might be narcissistic but don’t go asking around for reasons i myself don’t know. I feel betrayed if someone comes to me if they want something if they haven’t spoken to me in a while. I also don’t know when to crack jokes and I want to tell people about everything I did or happened to me
for #34 see, i sort of relate to this, but like (WARNING: cheesiness ahead)...i care. i do care. deep down i really do. i feel and i care and i love. but for the life of me, i just. CANNOT. bring myself the motivation to do s**t about it. mostly i end up laying in bed, feeling complete indifference/apathy yet at the same time not being able to escape the fact that inside, i care so deeply. I want to get on with my life but time isn't in my favor and I just want it to stop. I'm not going to talk about the specifics of the mental stuff i have been diagnosed with (by a professional, not any of that "I took this internet quiz and this is what i got" bs lol.) but uhhhh yeah, anyone else who's like this?
Micah yes I've been dealing w these same feelings too. I've been diagnosed w depression. You're not alone. Therapy is helping me but it's tough getting the motivation to work on myself even. Therapy is exhausting too. I think many of us are feeling this way bc of the pandemic and of course so many other factors. Nothing brings me joy like it used to even though I miss everything so much especially who I used to be. I hope you have a loving support system. Hugs to you
Load More Replies... I am definitely a people pleaser in the extreme. Even my kids say I'm too nice. It means I get taken advantage of sometimes. I get pissy when people try to give me advice about my medical issues and sometimes go off on them. I've had these chronic conditions for years:I've tried it all and it won't ever get better! I get tired of explaining even though I know they are trying to help.
When fighting with my bf I become very evil, insult him and throw things. I think because at home we never were allowed to argue cause mum was always right and if we dared to argue she'd give us the silent treatment and ignore us (this gave me immense physical pain) until we apologised to her (sometimes on our knees). Even though we were right and she's not.
I get super touchy if I think someone's talking down to me or otherwise treating me like I'm stupid or ignorant. So I put up a grumpy, cynical facade as a defense mechanism for fear that someone's going to find me vulnerable enough to bully as mercilessly as I was during childhood. (Which I spent a good chunk of - that's right - being made to feel stupid. It's pretty easy to connect the dots. It's also no doubt the source of my anger issues later in life).
I was rigorously "trained" as a kid and my resulting insecurities still haunt me. You're not alone in that.
Load More Replies... I have trouble with keeping my opinion to myself. But overall I'm somewhat disturbed by how many of the listed traits I can see in myself 🙈
Don't be disturbed. We all have a little of most of this. I think it becomes a problem when it has a toxic influence in your life (or loved ones). You're absolutely lovely.
Load More Replies... I can ruminate a small annoyance into a major issue and so with that I end up being angry at stuff I just made up by ruminating. Then I'm in one very bad mood. When I know I'm doing that I have to shut myself off from the world or I'll make a major mess up because I'll tell you exactly what I think. I can be very blunt. Also, I "don't suffer fools gladly" as they say. I'm normally a quiet person, but with covid isolation for 2 years, when I've got someone around, now I just don't shut up. Ya. I have issues. 😆 I've been at this so long I have developed a sense of humor about it.
So it starts small (molehill) and you ruminate until it's a mountain? And then you sort of explode? Does this mean you overthink things? Sorry. I'm just being a nosy parker.
Load More Replies... I never forget, and I almost never forgive. I may drop the issue and it might not seem to intrude on my daily interactions with that person, but once they cross a certain line, they no longer get access to my deeper emotions, because once I'm screwed over by them, that's it. I don't trust easily and I don't trust twice after abused once. I realize it isn't healthy (I realize way too much about myself that is negative, even if I hide it), but it became a survival mechanism as I grew up. Unlearning it usually isn't worth the so-called 'release' that is supposed to happen. There have been times I've truly forgiven and felt much better for it, but these are few and far between; usually because someone moved on from a different point in their life as well and it showed in how they became later on. And, to be honest, lest I come across as that hopeless person: The "don't forgive/forget" clause is rare; I can shrug off most of the daily grind without issue. These are deeper matters.
I am narcissistic on the outside and incredibly insecure on the inside.
I was bullied when I was younger really bad, an so I became a people watcher for a long time. And now I have this weird thing where I see everything like an old David Attenborough Animal Planet narration but with people. I can't watch people flirt or date or watch them with that pretend smile at work. Any time a guy has ever flirted with me I always roll my eyes a little because I just assume he's lying or trying to con me. I find myself narrating it like I'm watching stupid animals relating to each other and dancing around with their feathers out. It's really affected my life in the way I interact with people because I never feel like anyone is genuine about anything. I tend to be rude to people sometimes because I just get tired of always assuming they aren't being honest. I always say I'm putting on my 'person suit' when I go to work every day. Sometimes I think it's not that bad and everyone feels this way on some level, but then I realize, no, it's not like this for most people.
I get angry super easily and sometimes I can't get too angry. I'm also just overall way too sensitive. Every single word or action goes straight to my heart instead of going through my brain and being processed. Then I tend to react badly cause of it.
That awkward moment when you realise you share majority of these toxic traits to some extent
I really liked this post. It's really encouraging to see that people can identify their flaws and actively work to fix them. It's something I try to do too, and it gives me hope that there are people who care about hurting others.
For me, aside from some of the things I commented on, my toxic trait is definitely me being super expressive. You can read me like an open book and I find it very hard to hide my feelings. If I'm happy I let the world know, if I'm unhappy I hide away and both are equally noticable for people around me. I'm extroverted so I feel like my 'energy', if you will, takes up too much space in a room. I can be loud, I talk fast when I'm excited and you could fill a room with my opinions and interests. I consciously try to not bulldoze over others, which is never my intention to begin with but I feel that sometimes does happen. I just feel like I'm 'too much', and even if I try to shake that feeling and just be myself, afterwards I doubt whether I was too much or not.
I'm petty. I can't stand it when others get away with stuff (non maskers, anti vaxxers,
I really liked this list; too bad I see a lot of these traits in my friends. :'( I have a friend who must state that he/she is right and it goes like this: Me: Hey, I thought xyz? (I've made a mistake, my fault) Friend: No, ABC. Me: oh, ic. I just thought xyz because [reason]. (I've acknowledged mistake and tried to explain my side) Friend: No, ABC. Me: I know. I just thought XYZ because [reason]. (I tried to explain again because it doesn't seem like friend understood my side. ) Friend, No, ABC. This can go on and on and it completely devastated our friendship early on because it felt like friend was not listening, didn't care, demeaning, and had to have last word. Very toxic. I recognized this behavior in friend and I intentionally stop this back and forth by not explaining my reason for making mistake but it is still sad because I don't get to explain my side to a friend. If I accidentally explain why I made the mistake, I anticipate the response and friend always delivers :(
I never liked talking about my feelings, kind of always afraid of being made fun of, told to adjust, encounter an emotional gatekeeper (ex. they would say "ppl have it worse than you"), or brushed off like nothing. I never really talk about them tbh, I don't think I know how though. I have used comedy and art as my outlet. The root of the issue is from a young childhood.
The fact that ive learnt to suppress my emotions,especially anger is scary,makes me feel like a ticking time bomb
I can be bull headed. I even know I'm being unnecessarily stubborn, not want to be stubborn, but for some reason not let it go. When I do manage to break that behavior, I worry that no one will pay attention if I'm not insistent.
I'm a literal mirror and will talk in the same was as you talk to me when frustrated if you are shouting I will shout too . It Gaslights the situation more
I think I have a personality disorder. I'm scared: because it makes me react in dangerous ways: through anger, sadness, manipulation, and more. If people could see my thoughts they would never talk to me. I lose friends because of it and I haven't been able to tell anybody other than my best friend...who I'm secretly in love with.
