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People Share 30 Things That People Who Are Having A Secret Affair Do That Immediately Give Them Away
Sexual tension can be fun and intoxicating, and make our stomachs swirl with excitement. In fact, this form of attraction can be so strong that those bound by it can't even hide it from others. No matter how hard they try.
In an attempt to get better at noticing it, Reddit user UraniumRaven asked everyone on the platform, "What's a tell-tale sign two people are having a secret sexual relationship with each other?" And many pitched in!
From the classic look exchange to more subtle, 21st-century tells, such as logging in to your work chat using the same IP address; continue scrolling and check them out and don't miss the talk we had on the subject with evolutionary psychologist, blogger at Psychology Today, and author of The Science of Romance: Secrets of the Sexual Brain, Nigel Barber, Ph.D.
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I was hooking up with the receptionist at my job. People started noticing that anywhere I went I’d walk by her. Just to say hi, just to walk by and see her or just to ask a dumb vague question. Etc etc. I went to grab lunch and brought her back something. Game over lol. Secret was out. That receptionist is my wife and I’d do it all over again the same way In a heartbeat.
Speaking about attraction, Nigel Barber said that both women and men usually see personality as the key component of it. "We look for a partner who is kind and understanding, who is intelligent, and possesses a sense of humor," Barber told Bored Panda. "An evolutionary approach helps us to understand what men and women look for in a potential sexual partner. The focus is on heterosexual relationships as these relate to reproductive success. There are a lot of similarities across gender (and gender categories) but there are also some noticeable gender differences."
According to the evolutionary psychologist, men are primarily interested in female signals of fertility and health that are lumped together under the umbrella term physical attractiveness. "These include unblemished skin, having a healthy glow, lustrous hair, and symmetry of face and body that signal an effective immune system," Barber explained. "A curvaceous figure gives a readout on reproductive hormones and is generally correlated with a woman's health and fertility. Put bluntly, men are attracted to efficient baby-making machines!"
From personal experience - was hooking up with a coworker and she'd bring her dog into the office. Her dog started sitting under my desk everyday and we were exposed
Her dog approved you, and that's the only thing you should be worred about
A bunch of us used to hang out on a Teamspeak server to play games. One day we were chatting when the server admin just blurted out: "So [guy] and [girl], you two have the same IP address today. You f*****g?"
"Research on internet dating found that in this context, men are primarily interested in physical attractiveness of a potential partner, implying that their main objective is physical gratification," Barber said.
"On the other hand, females screen prospective dates so as to select partners who are successful or show signs of affiliation to elite schools, sports, or clubs or drive luxury cars. So they behave as though seeking a permanent partner rather than having a brief fling."
Summarizing the analysis of communications on dating sites, Barber pointed out that women generally put a great deal more time and thought into their messages whereas men are much more flippant and monosyllabic.
"Once their social screens are satisfied, women are also interested in baby-making machines who are strong, tall, fit, youthful, healthy, and virile. (Modern women are more likely to pursue short-term sexual relationships than earlier generations, possibly because they have control over their own fertility)."
Their orbits are smaller around each other. Without meaning to, they will change their personal space requirements with the other. They'll think they're normal distance away, but won't be. Also, they'll move around each other too easily (like in small spaces) without the awkward missteps the rest of us make.
I was at a BBQ with dozens of people. A young ridiculously beautiful married couple was there. The wife was pregnant. They brought their short, squat, funnyman roommate with them. At some point funny man and pregnant wife are on opposite sides of the kitchen and I caught a glance between them - no more than a blink of an eye. It was the only interaction they had all night. In that instant I have never been more sure two people were f*****g. Told my girlfriend, "Those two are smashing", she told me to stop being a creep.
Sure enough 6 months later everyone finds out they're f*****g and funnyman is the dad.
Sometimes you don't need some concrete or tangible evidence. It's just catching a spark between two people that tells you all you need to know.
When it comes to the most common signs of attraction, Barber also highlighted some that can be found on this list.
"If a man is attracted to a woman, it is hard for him to keep his eyes off her, even though staring is often perceived as rude and offensive," he said.
But women too show unmistakable signals of attraction. "They look briefly at the object of their attraction before lowering their eyelids and averting their gaze. This looks like feminine modesty. In reality, it is a sexual come-on," the evolutionary psychologist explained.
"If people are physically attracted to each other, they tend to stand close together. They also mimic each other's actions unconsciously, whether it is sitting down or touching the face with a hand."
Staring. I was secretly seeing a guy in school. As far as everyone else was concerned we couldn’t stand each other.
This girl I barely knew pulled me aside and whispered “I don’t know what’s going on between you two but you need to stop staring or everyone else is going to know.”
Later on he wanted to know what the girl said to me. I wasn’t about to admit she noticed my staring, so I said “she thinks there’s something going on with us because you keep staring at me!”
When your SO brings someone up way too much in the beginning then mysteriously stops talking about them at all, even when the situation potentially calls for it.
Mentionitis - then lack of mentionitis. When it gets to the lack of, that's the real dangerous bit because their guilt has overcome their initial 'wows'
The little conversational clues. Like when two people glance knowingly at each other frequently, or have friendly little side whispers because they have their own thing going on apart from the group. And they hover near each other to be physically close. All those little examples of intimacy that is only between them.
A married ex friend of mine once started showing up with a woman and acting like that. I could tell they were banging, and I couldn't believe he wasn't trying harder to conceal it. Turns out, the poor woman had no idea he was married, and was unaware that everyone else DID know. It was later traumatizing to her to realize she had been seen as a mistress, when she was the only person who didn't know what was really happening.
She's now a friend of mine. He is not.
What's more, we can't always maintain a poker face as well.
"While we may often try to manage how we are perceived by others, and to conceal an attraction that is inconvenient or problematic, there is much that happens in the autonomic nervous system that is impossible to control," Barber said.
"If we are interested in someone, our pupils dilate, sending an unmistakable cue of our attraction. Other signs of being struck by Cupid's arrow include blushing hotly, being tongue-tied, and uncharacteristically losing one's train of thought."
Physical closeness
Princess Margaret was (accurately) accused of having an affair after wiping some fluff/dust off of a married man’s suit jacket
When your partner goes over the top of how unattractive, uninteresting, cringy, weird, etc..the other person is.
They start using each other’s speech mannerisms. Like one of them always replies to something you say to them with, “Is that right?”, and then you hear your wife saying it all the time after you get back from a week long work trip.
This is all part of our mating game. "Sexual selection is the process that produced sexual attraction mechanisms during evolutionary history. For example, it produced the gorgeous plumage of peacocks," Barber said.
"Women are more modified by sexual selection than men are. For this reason, they are seen as more attractive, on average, than men are by female and male raters. Women also spend a lot more time and effort on their physical appearance because it is more consequential for them. These phenomena suggest that women compete more intensely over male attention than men compete over female attention. In the language of animal behavior, they bear the burden of advertisement."
These two I used to work with, they got found out because a skunk sprayed outside the guys house real bad. The next day they came in to work separately and ignored each other as usual, but they both smelled like skunk. Then everyone knew, but they didn’t know we knew.
It's definitely the awkward avoidance of one another for no reason.
When I was a supervisor two of my employees were secretly dating and being as young as they were (19-20yrs old) they didn't have the ability to hide their feelings without avoiding each other as if they hated one another.
I figured it out on Day 1. Hilariously cute.
Edit: when they finally told me I told them I already knew. They were flabbergasted that I figured it out. It wasn't that hard! When y'all make googly eyes at one another across the store or try to surreptitiously touch hands at the till I'm gonna notice.
I awkwardly avoided my coworker, because I had drunk texted him that I liked him and he didn't like me. He only worked there a year. When he left, I confessed to my other coworker what I had done and he had a good laugh.
Eye contact, side glances. Had a buddy of mine who was convinced that a coworker and I were hooking up. One morning he walked up to her and commented on how good she looked, and mentioned how great her haircut was… he immediately turned around to catch me glaring at him. The gig was up. Ended up marrying her.
And women seem to understand this. While Americans tend to think society places more of a premium on masculinity than on femininity, they are more likely to say it's important to them, personally, to be seen by others as womanly or feminine than men are to say it's important that others see them as manly or masculine.
I’ve caught people because they didn’t follow one another on social media to try to avoid suspicion, but they both posted that they were at the same place and similar photos, and despite not posting about one another, it was obvious. They didn’t know what the other was posting because they didn’t follow one another lmfao which ultimately lead to the downfall of their discretion.
They get awkward if you come up to them when they are together. I just want coffee and you’re standing in front of the machine and I didn’t think anything was going on until you got all awkward. You’re allowed to be friends and stand here and talk.
The two of them consistently being the last ones left at the group hangout, especially if one of them is hosting.
If you know them before it they’ll stop flirting as much as they had been prior to it. They make sure they don’t leave a place together but linger around long enough to know when the other is leaving. They look at each other when something funny or bad happens.
They laugh just a little too loud
They stand just a little too close
They stare just a little too long
Maybe they're seeing something we don't, darlin Lets Give them Something to Talk About. Bonnie Raitt--Nick of Time Album 1991
When a bunch of coworkers go out to eat and one just ‘casually’ steals food of another’s plate and that other person doesn’t even try to act surprised or like it’s not normal. This happened not too long ago haha
I worked on a tv show and there were rumors that one of the married cast members was hooking up with this other hot blonde cast member. Wasn't sure if the rumors were true until I saw the stage/reunion show. When everyone walked on stage, they were the only two out of 16 that didn't hug. Totally f****d
Sometimes you can tell by the way they casually (appropriately) touch each other in public. Certain things are awkward until you cross that line.
Downvoting James for a joke is petty. Do better, Bored Pandas. That comment in no way deserves a ban!!
So my wife had this best friend from college. We will call her "A". A married this guy, who we will call "B". We all had a mutual friend from college who would hang around with us all the time. We will call him "J". We were all really close for years. Then, I started to notice little things between A and her husband. They would bicker, but nothing unusual for married couple. But she wouldn't let it go. As time went on, she started making small, belittling comments towards him. Then I noticed when we went to dinner and he tried to put his arm around her or get her attention, she'd very subtly move away or have to answer an urgent text. All the while, J started showing her a little more attention. Again, we were all close friends and had been for some time, so no one really suspected anything. I told my wife a few days later, "Yea babe, A is sleeping with J." She swore that was impossible. Couldn't be! I mean, we were all in A and B's wedding party! About a year passes and A tells B she wants a divorce. She can't take it anymore. He isn't driven enough for her. He isn't "in shape" enough for her. She was over him. About 6 months after the divorce, A comes over to my house a bit tipsy and visibly upset. Come to find out, in the two and a half years her and B were married, she was sleeping with J for one of them. Exactly around the time I told my wife she was. She was upset because J had promised that if she left B, they would be together. She gets a divorce, A and J go on a trip together "as friends," and the next week, J ghosted her and got back together with his college sweetheart. For me, the tell-tale sign was the subtle distancing from her current partner and the touch bit more extra attention she was receiving from J. That negative vibe she was putting off towards her husband mixed with the smirks and extra attention to detail she showed J was clear as day to me.
Vilify the spouse to justify the affair! And for the affair partner, it's just the thrill of the chase. It's such a sad cliché. Hope the ex-husband is living his best life!
If you’re going through something to make you ask this, trust your gut. I had the gut feeling my ex wife was cheating, all the signs were there but I just thought she’d never do that and all the evidence was coincidental. My brain didn’t want to see it, so I put blinders on. Fast forward a couple of months, I found out she was, and my family all said I must be an idiot for not seeing what was right in front of me. Ask others opinions that you both know, they’ll tell you an unbiased opinion. Someone you can trust
Yeah, been there. He started spending ALL of his time on his phone texting, working late, going out for a beer with the guys. Suddenly wouldnt let me look at his phone, then I knew.
When you stand between them you feel like you are being cooked alive. I once sat between two colleagues who were obviously getting it on and man … felt like I was in an oven.
Yes, blood rushes to the face and fingertips due to heat. A lot of heat.
Mirroring body position, gestures, facial reactions. People do this in general, with those that they like and/or respect, but with couples it can happen a lot.
Sudden change in music they listen to. My ex wife suddenly started listening to country constantly. I knew right then.
Kind of like what Joey in Friends reasoned. If there is chemistry on stage, chances are no chemistry in real life. If they are awkward on stage, chances are they are having sex in real life.
If they are acting awkward in front of others and clearly trying hard to act like they don’t care about each other, sexual relationship. If they carry out as normal and work well together, no secret sexual relationship.
They exchange a speedy sly glance upon the mention of a sex act. Two co-workers did this during a game of never have I ever. Little did they know, I’d already caught them weeks before. It was fun watching how they responded to various comments. Surprisingly unsubtle once I knew.
Carpooling when there is not much convenience to it because they don't live all that close to each other.
3 different couples at work (all married to other people and cheating) and I knew all of them were hooking up. I mean, not just me, a lot of us did. Going to lunch together, doing the thing where they leave separately but together...scheduling offsite meetings at the same time...and mostly the way they looked at each other. Idc how good you think you are, it's hard to pretend you didn't just f**k 10 minutes before the afternoon meeting. Shockingly, all these people ended up leaving their spouses and marrying each other and it's been years, so far they're all still together. Anyway, we all see y'all 🤣
Started talking with a friend group about circumcision, and started to speculate who in the group was or was not circumcised. I said “what about [friend’s name]?” And the girl in the group went “oh, he’s circumcised.” If that’s not a tell-tale sign, idk what is.
They talk about each other. A lot. This was how I knew my ex was cheating on me long before he ever confessed. He was suddenly talking about his female coworker frequently, and then it got to the point where he was "hanging out" with her after work for 4-5 hours. I called him out -- said he had to be f*****g her. He got so defensive that he screamed bloody murder at me. 4 months after I broke up with him (this was a 7 year relationship we had) he confessed. Told him I already knew but thanks for the confirmation
They act weird all of a sudden when things that should be considered normal happen.
Like friends acting playful but they suddenly stop (Because they realize it might be taken the wrong way) when in reality it wouldn't they are only fearing such as they know things are indeed the wrong way.
In terms of coworkers (because I'm suspecting two of mine are boinking), taking breaks and lunches together, leaving or arriving together, one of them hanging out with the other after the first person clocked out and the second person is still clocked in, lots of standing around and talking (especially when one of them can walk around anywhere, yet only spends time at the front desk...where the other coworker is), when one of them tells you they smoke together (big sign imo), just a general "this person matters the most" type of attitude.
Like going on way too many long coffee or lunch breaks or bathroom breaks during the workday together or suspiciously within a few minutes of each other. And taking the stairs.
My husband and I met at work, and the place we worked at didn't allow couples to work in the same area as a conflict of interest type thing, so we hid our relationship as best as we could so we wouldn't get moved.
A lot of people here are saying people who are seeing each other go out of their way to avoid the other person, but we kept treating each other same, like close friends. The only difference really is that we started carpooling together. People still noticed anyway, and some would ask coworkers in our area if we are seeing each other. My feeling is that it doesn't matter if you go out of your way to hide it, avoid the person, etc., there will always be small signs that others pick up on.
The thing that has gotten myself and others busted is a change in affect/relationship at the office. In the lead up to dating a coworker there is usually flirty behavior between the two people. Not inappropriate, but it has a certain energy. When you start dating a coworker and the two of you want to keep it quiet I have noticed some people (myself included) will outclever themselves and tone down their at work behavior. Well, that's a change and changes in behavior makes something more noticeable. We thought we were being super spies about it and I got my wake up call, literally. There was a work emergency and her boss (we worked in different departments) called my phone and asked if she as there because he couldn't get ahold of her. I was all, "why are you asking me?" and his response was, "Relax, everyone knows. You're not exactly subtle. Now is she there because I need her to call so and so." It was as I said a f**king wake up call that the people you're with every day notice s**t.
“Relax, we all know. I just need to talk to her.” The best eleven words that person heard all day.
A giveaway is how friendly one person's kids, if they have any, are to the other person. I had this happen to me with a co-worker when we were trying to just play it off that we were friends. Her kid would smile at me as he said my name. Soon after, my boss started wearing Sarah Jessica Parker's Lovely perfume. I said that's nice perfume, and she said my co-worker suggested it and gave me a knowing smile. I knew then we were for sure busted.
They stop saying thank you to each other. Got caught out myself with that
Edit: For context, we were in a group of friends and trying to keep it secret. I didn't say thank you once or twice for little things like taking a drink from my (secret) boyfriend whilst talking to someone, I just carried on my conversation. Another friend noticed this. I'm not saying I don't say thank you to my long term partner, that wasnt the question
This one may just be a cultural thing, like somewhere that's just the way it is, but to me, it sounds incredibly rude towards the SO, no matter the relationship status or length.
That's pretty subjective but I'd say there's a noticeably higher level of comfort between them
Their phones keep going off with text alerts and they keep acting sneaky and glancing at each other
They almost try too hard to hide it. Like if they go to an arcade with their coworkers they’ll play different games but right beside each other instead of just playing together. Or they’ll flirt with total strangers at the bar area. Or freak out if people think they’re flirting. Just stuff like that
Our CEO coming into a meeting to grab something from the QA/RA lady's purse was one a few of us saw once.
They start watching the same shows, and engage in new interests that are odd to you they began engaging in.
For example, my ex started getting into Anime sometime after meeting her microbiology colleague. Over time she would obsess about this or that show, and I'm just not an Anime fan, if you are that's cool I don't judge, but she would express how their tastes were similar and start defending Anime when I would express how much I didn't care. She also started listening to EDM more, I like it as well, but she started wanting to go to festivals and well she did end up going to one with some of her work friends and guess who I found out (months later) was at that festival lol
If one person slips and mostly reacts to something funny or distinct to that individual, when the rest of the group isn't. And they might try to cover or restrain that emotion
Drive one of them to the other person’s house. If their phone auto connects to the wifi….
I knew a girl who had the patent chin-down eyes-up pose she gave to guys she was sleeping with, it was always a dead giveaway.
They are physically close to each other when they sit, walk, etc. More than usual. And more comfortable doing more around each other, like touching their own body more (you’re usually self conscious about that around others), or scratching yourself. Small stuff like that.
This is from personal and recent experience. My divorce is ongoing..
-They find every excuse to hang out with each other. I once asked my wife if she was going to see her "guy friend" and she responded with "I wasn't planning on it but that's a good idea". I later found out that was the first time she had given him a blowjob. In the back of his mom's car at a truck stop on the freeway. The reason she left to go see him is that we were having a disagreement and she claimed to be afraid of me. I wasn't even angry or anything, I was upset but her response to my emotional state was hugely exaggerated. She was clearly using it as an excuse to see him.
-they start doing things they would normally not do. My soon to be ex started all of a sudden going out to bars and I found out she was with him because she, for the first time in an 18 year relationship, told me she was just hanging out listening to the live music. She's never once gone to or expressed interest in live music but now she can't answer her phone because she's enjoying the music.
-they won't answer their phone or respond to texts when they are with them. Their excuse is that they are not going to be rude and spend the entire time on the phone, even though she walks around literally attached to her phone 24/7 and is never without it.
-they stop texting and start using the voice message feature, and when they listen to his responses they turn the volume super low and put the phone to their ear. But their response is in text. They often delete their messenger history and then offer to show you their messages. "see, there's nothing going on".
-they put a password on their phone for the first time ever. They are now super secretive about their phone. They start making phone calls to the other person every time they get in the car. When they get home they sit in the driveway for another 20 minutes on the phone. They have private phone calls to the other person and look like a deer in the headlights when you find them on the phone.
-they break the long standing rule for 18 years in our relationship of not being alone with a person of the opposite sex in a car or private place. Then they gaslight you saying that was never a rule.
-they start getting really curious about what is on your phone and demand to see what's on it. But then they turn around and won't let you touch their phone. They get upset and suspicious when you talk to ANY person of the opposite sex even if the conversation is innocent.
-they change their notification settings so that the content of text messages doesn't show on their screen anymore, just the fact that they have a notification.
-they all of a sudden start strategically sitting where you are unable to see their phone at all. They sit at an odd angle or with their back to the wall or in a corner so there's no way you can get behind them and see their screen.
-the person they are cheating with is the first person they talk in the morning and the last person they talk to at night. They call them in the morning when they haven't gotten a response to make sure they didn't miss their alarm. They stay up until 2 or 3 am messaging the other person even though they have to get up early for work.
-long a*s phone calls that last for hours.
-they go to visit the other person who is going through a hard time in life and they stay at their house while there because "it's cheaper than a hotel". They claim to be sleeping on the couch. They claim there are other people around and they aren't alone.
-they claimed to be going there to teach him how to bake keto recipes "all day" and say they are planning on splitting whatever they bake. But when they come from being there basically sun up to sun down they have nothing to show for it.
-they no longer come to bed at the same time as you. They turn away from you in the bed and sleep up against the edge of the bed, as far away from you as they can get.
-when she started going to Bara with this guy she started dressing really slutty. She tried leaving the house wearing a see through red top without a bra. You could clearly see her tits, her belly button, you could even see her veins through her skin and the top. It was clearly lingerie but she claimed it was "party attire". I convinced her to change her clothes and she picked some skimpy dress that had cutouts and showed a ton of skin. She claimed that she was going to cover up with a jacket.
There are probably more but I'm getting majorly depressed and really upset reliving all of this right now.
Well this bit here sheds some light on the relationship BEFORE the mentioned divorce proceedings..... they break the long standing rule for 18 years in our relationship of not being alone with a person of the opposite sex in a car or private place. Then they gaslight you saying that was never a rule." That is the most ridiculous, untrusting and controlling bullsh*t ever. If you don't trust your spouse to be alone with someone of the opposite sex then you have no business being in that relationship and no wonder she looked elsewhere. I know this seems harsh, but my God.
I once introduced a gf to a friend, they kept looking at each other giggling with me in the middle. I noticed and said something right there, but nope. Turns out she cheated on me with him already.
I think that men lower their voice when they're around someone they're sexually attracted to. Not sure if women's voices change in that situation though.
No, I don't think that is a thing. I'd be sounding like Barry White all day!
This guy in my German class in college and I started sleeping together. It wasn’t some huge secret but we weren’t dating or anything, so people didn’t really know us as an item, we didn’t talk about it, etc.
His grade in German got *dramatically* better.
I know of two work friends who for a long time denied that they were dating. Said they were just really close friends. As far as we knew, they weren’t living together. But then one day I saw a Venmo payment for grocery items (including toilet paper) to the other person. Thought it was too personal an item to be sharing expenses with for a non-roommate. Turns out, they’ve been together for months by then.
I don’t understand why other people don’t make their Venmo transactions private.
When you ask someone how the other is doing or what they’re saying, and the response back is something short or dismissive like 'I don't know' to cut the conversation off.
If it’s at work, they are both happy.
One of them starts showing up to group hangouts way overdressed. It’s for whoever they are banging.
i got into country music for a crush. if you love someone, you’ll do things for them!
i got into country music for a crush. if you love someone, you’ll do things for them!
