Moms and dads always want what’s best for their little ones, but navigating life as a parent is challenging. There are a million different books, podcasts, and mommy bloggers telling you the right and wrong ways of feeding your children, talking to them, and raising them in general, so making decisions for your kiddos can be stressful.
There’s no perfect way to parent, but recently, Reddit users have been sharing their two cents when it comes to what can be harmful for impressionable little minds. Below, you’ll find some common behaviors moms and dads do with the best of intentions that might actually backfire, so we hope this list provides some new perspectives for all of you parents and future parents. And be sure to upvote all of the answers that hit home for you.
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Not taking the time to explain themselves on certain topics. The whole 'do as I say because I said so' or 'because I had you' is not effective.
Try to fill every minute with organized activities such as traveling sports leagues. Don't get me wrong, some extra curricular activities are good, but when your kids never have an unaccounted for minute I think it has a negative impact.
They fail at letting their kids fail and figure out how to recover. It prevents the kids from becoming resilient.
THIS! This is me! My mum ALWAYS stood behind me for assignments/studying for tests/other assignments and I had to learn how to fail and get back up again when I was 20!!!! I'm almost 30 now.... still have problems sometimes...
Not discussing money with them.
I'm not saying parents should dump their financial stress on their kids, but things like budgeting, taxes, and personal finance discussions would've helped me tremendously.
Over sheltering them. You can't protect your kids 24/7 for their whole lives. It leads to naive adults that get taken advantage of.
So true. They had all the best intentions and love me so much but it didn't help me in a lot of ways. And the protection got worse when shot happened. My mom described it as watching your kid learn how to ride a bike but if your child keeps falling and falling you don't let go of that bike anymore.. only later we realized it was a two way street. We both needed to let go of each other.. At 27 my parents moved to France and it helped both me and them. Our bond got even closer but so much more qualitative and equal ❤️ I'm chronically ill now so she does come to Belgium every 6 weeks to help out a little but it's different. It's helping, not taking over 😅
Shouting at them instead of having a conversation
This happens with my dad a lot, if I’m struggling and not speaking or mumbling instead of being kind and friendly he’ll shout at me so I speak, which makes me even quieter, which is the main reason I don’t like talking to him
Might sound a little contradictory but either not disciplining them or disciplining them way too much
Passing on food issues by commenting on their children's weight or what they eat etc. Or commenting on their own weight and food habits-- always dieting and putting themselves down.
I am so lucky my parents and family have a healthy relationship with food, and thus I do as well. I have adult friends who have all kinds of messed up food issues precisely bc their parents messed them up.
TO THIS DAY. I tried a million times to tell my parents, that commenting on my weight, regardless of intention, makes me feel sick and terrible, because I know how I want to look and am trying to get there, but constant commentary discourages me sooooo much.
Telling them "That's nothing to be sad over, some kids don't even have ______"
Now I repress my feelings and cry whenever I have to let them out, never believing they're valid :)
Same here brother. I've held in every emotion of mine after 1 of my cats died and 3 were given away without my permission for 2yrs due to that.
Not encouraging them to learn basic skills like cooking for fear it’ll *MaKe a MeSs*
No! Not a mess! Whatever shall we do when a child makes a mess? Um… clean it up? /s
Never telling them 'no'
Treating sons and daughters differently.
I was the youngest and only girl - it was rarely 'but they're older than you' it was either 'because you're a girl' or 'but they're boys' 😠
I'll add my two cents here, not seeking therapy for kids who are showing signs of depression or other mental issues because they think they are just "a little sad" or "he'll get over it"
Yelling at them for dropping/breaking/spilling stuff.
Not their fault!
And way to teach them they can’t come to you when they accidentally f**k up in the future.
My younger brother once broke a glass and my dad beat him so much that it had an effect on me which made me scared of dropping anything I’m holding
Putting excessive pressure on their children to meet their own unfulfilled aspirations.
No child should be forced to live out their parents' dreams and aspirations.
Forcing them to interact with their adult friends, then ridiculing them for not wanting to socialize with rando adults, and then humiliating them by bringing up an embarrassing moment as a "hilarious" anecdote.
*"Come on down and say hi!"*
*"OH, LOOK WHO FINALLY DECIDED TO JOIN US!"*
*"Oh, this is the funniest thing! Did you know she still wet her bed until she was six! Six! AHAHAAHAHAH!"*
Why da floof do I wanna talk to people 40yrs older than me knowing I got no sht to say 💀
Not letting them learn how to mourn.
On a grander scale, there’s this idea of not letting your children suffer. We all know it’s important to let them struggle a little to learn how to cope.
But one no one ever talks about is allowing your child to mourn a loss. If a beloved toy breaks, go buy a replacement ASAP! If a pet fish dies, go buy a replacement ASAP! You’re teaching the kid to just replace things they’ve lost instead of processing the loss. So what happens when they lose something that can’t be replaced? They don’t know what to do or how to handle it. Like, let your kid cry over their dead fish for a few days and bury it in the garden with some flowers before asking if they’d like another.
People think it’s small, oh it’s just a toy, but losing a beloved toy is likely the closest thing a kid has to losing a person or a pet they’ve had for years like a dog. Let them learn to mourn their lost teddy bear so they’ll build those processes and when older, can mourn the family dog, etc.
I have had to cope with plenty of family deaths as a kid, and some have definitely been harder than others, but my mom and dad have always been there for me, and I am very grateful for them. 🙏🫶🙏
Forcing them to eat. My mom always made me finish my plate, eating disorder and lifelong obesity ensued. I've successfully quit smoking way easier than going on an effective diet.
As my kids were growing up and being introduced to different foods, I always tried to make sure there was a mix of food groups at mealtimes. I would say to them, "All of something and something of everything". I was learning what they liked or didn't like. I never expected them to like everything I liked. On the other side of the coin, I fully admit I didn't offer them foods that I didn't like but I was always willing to try something new for them if they asked. There's always a wide choice for parents to offer their kids
Thinking them as property. We all understand parents are responsible for the offspringss actions but they aint property.
Giving them stupid names or with stupid spellings.
There's this one family one YouTube and all the kids' names end in 'Dee' e.g, KassaDee
Forgetting what it was like to be that age, and expecting their kids to react differently to things than them when they were that age.
My grandma had a decorative pot rag in her kitchen that reads "Alte Kuh ganz leicht vergisst, dass sie auch mal Kalb gewesen ist" - which translates to "Old cow quite easily forgets that she was also once a calf". She always lived up to that, and I had to become 30+ years old to realize that. Was one of the very few things I took when she died, and it applies to so many situations., not only parenting. Just think of how condescending some people treat younger colleagues...
Not respecting their privacy because it's "their home" . Barging into their room , asking them to leave the door open etc...
It give kids anxiety. And it last .
I moved to my own place and sometimes I still look at the door expecting it to open etc...
My father does this and I, still love him don't get me wrong he's the best, despise him for it. I want some moments of privacy after a long day of socialising and studies
Forgetting that a kids brain isn’t fully developed like their own.
Also, shaming in any way of something your kid is into. Trying to learn about it is actually quite helpful and a good way to connect. And, parents can learn things that they like too. I didn’t know I liked Pierce the Veil until my 12 year old liked them and I wanted to check them out
Having a toxic relationship and staying together for the “sake of the kids”
Absolutely. If you want to do something for the sake of your kids, you need to set a healthy example. The only thing kids will learn from this is to do the same.
I was raised with the motto “If you lose, you can’t come home.”
My great-grandfather said it to my grandmother when she was being bullied by a boy.
My grandmother said it to my mother when she ran in the house from a girl who was beating her up; kicked her out and locked the door. “If you lose, you can’t come home.”
For me, there was no one incident. It was just a mantra. And now I am absolutely afraid of failure of any sort, I come to work hours early to prepare and stay late to make sure I’ve got it right. Same with my hobbies, and every part of my life. I cannot be bad at anything. Free time only exists as practice/study/training time. The amount of pressure I put on myself is not healthy.
I’m 38 years old, and I haven’t spoken to my mother in 10+ years.
But I almost always win, and I’m f*****g amazing at the things that I do. Small consolation. Parents f**k us up, man.
Shouting, makes kids scared of it , not a good thing to be scared of as a adult
Like I said earlier, this is the reason I don’t speak to my parents when I have issues, because they just shout at me and make me nervous, which makes them shout at me even more for being silent and mumbling
Not allowing questions about beliefs/self discovery. I was raised in a very, very religious and conservative home that did not allow questioning about any of the beliefs. Doubt the existence of god? They'd sit me down and grill me for hours about the evil of the devil, his temptations, how I'd go to hell, etc. etc. Don't think conservatives are the best? Get called a f*****g commie. That's my parents for you.
edit: Holy s**t, my first reddit award. Thank you, kind internet stranger!!!!
I did not have parents like this (my parents are buddhist and don't believe in indoctrination) but I know someone who grew up orthodox Jewish and I tell you, nothing ever screamed "cult" to me like what she described. She wasn't even allowed to turn on a light on Saturday and was told that it was "her duty to dress modestly so as not to impose a stumbling block on men." She was so scared to leave the community because the rabbis would force her parents to break ties with her. Luckily, she did so anyway. The rabbis made their little threats but her parents fortunately understood her and did not listen to them. They are still a part of the community but my friend is doing her own thing now and is a lot happier. DON'T INDOCTRINATE YOUR KIDS, PEOPLE. IT'S NOT COOL. Give them options, don't try to hide anything, especially the weighty parts. Just wait for them to decide on their own. They eventually will anyway.
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Philip Larkin’s This Be the Verse is my favorite poem for a reason: “They fück you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fücked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself.”
I shouldnt have read this, now I'm in a horrible mood only reminded of my c**p family.
Philip Larkin’s This Be the Verse is my favorite poem for a reason: “They fück you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fücked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself.”
I shouldnt have read this, now I'm in a horrible mood only reminded of my c**p family.
