Couple Calls It Quits After Wife Refuses To House Husband’s “Medically Needy” Parents
Shakespeare’s legendary play King Lear is perhaps the first such large-scale work in world culture where the problem of old age and the care of the elderly by their children rises to its full height.
Of course, King Lear didn’t have to deal with Social Security, Medicare and other things that his American peers have to deal with today, but that doesn’t make this story from the user u/aitamineorhis that we’ll tell you today any less sad.
The author of the post and her husband both have elderly parents who are in need of care
Image credits: Atahan Demir (not the actual photo)
The author’s in-laws have serious health issues and live only out of social care
Image credits: aitamineorhis
At the same time, her own parents retired recently and are considering moving from a major city to somewhere where life is way cheaper
Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)
Image credits: aitamineorhis
Image credits: Wellness Gallery Catalyst Foundation (not the actual photo)
Image credits: aitamineorhis
The author suggested that her husband put his parents in a decent nursing home while her own parents could move into her house
Image credits: Monstera (not the actual photo)
Image credits: aitamineorhis
The guy wasn’t happy with this idea at all, so some real family drama arose out of this quarrel
So the characters are:
The Original Poster (OP) is a 35-year-old woman living with her husband in her own house. According to prenup, the house belongs to her alone.
The OP’s husband is a 37-year-old man who works hard, but still earns less than his wife.
The OP’s parents are an elderly couple, recently retired and living in a big city. It is reasonable to fear that in the future they will not be able to afford living in the metropolis.
The OP’s in-laws are an old husband and wife. Alas, the woman has dementia and the man faces some major mobility issues.
The OP’s husband’s siblings – one of them is an addict and is in prison while the second one has four kids and lives in a 2-bedroom apartment.
Act one
The original poster’s MIL was recently found wandering the street, and social services have been involved. After talking with the older sibling, the OP’s husband realized that there were two options left for his parents – either to move them into the house he lives in, or to put them in a nursing home.
At the same time, after a similar conversation with her own parents, the author of the post decided to invite them to move in with her. Why exactly them? Firstly, the OP’s parents have some savings that they can contribute to household finance, and secondly, they are quite easygoing people and her spouse got along with them well. Finally, with the money that the spouses would save from the financial assistance of the wife’s parents, it would be possible to find a worthy nursing home for her in-laws.
Act two
The author of the post expressed her thoughts to her spouse and was faced with a sharp rejection of this idea on his part. The man did not want to listen to any arguments that his parents are also not very appreciative people, and that the original poster has had a lot of problems getting along with them in the past.
Also, the OP’s husband did not want to take into account the fact that since he works more hours than his wife, then the main burden of caring for the elderly would fall on her. In his opinion, the wife’s parents could simply move to a smaller city and arrange their lives there themselves.
A family quarrel flared up, and the husband rashly declared that his wife is obliged to look after his parents out of love for him alone. This argument did not sit well with the OP. The wife admitted that if he was still against her parents in the house, then she respected his opinion and would try to find some other option for them, but his parents would not be in this house either.
Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)
Act three
As a result of the scandal, the man decided to part ways with the original poster, takes his things and go to stay with one of his friends. The couple have begun to look for a lawyer for the upcoming divorce. According to the author of the post, the only nursing home that works with Medicare, and which her probably-ex can afford now, is an awful place, but she can’t help it.
Of course, life is unfair, but the original poster is pretty convinced she shouldn’t take care of people who have been mistreating her for years, and even to the detriment of her own parents. And if the price of this is ruining of her ten-year and quite happy marriage – well, so be it…
In the comments to the post, the author admitted that she used to work as a nurse, so this was probably another reason for her spouse to insist that she take care of his parents. At the same time, most of the man’s income goes to paying for his student loans (6 figures, according to the OP’s words). The guy has a master’s degree from an expensive university; however, where they live, there are no high-paid jobs available with his degree.
In any case, according to the opinion of most people in the comments, the man behaved quite selfishly in this situation, completely ignoring his wife’s needs and opinion. And as for that very statement that she’s obliged to take care of his parents simply out of love for him, most commenters found it absolutely misogynistic. In any case, given that OP’s MIL is developing dementia, then the situation with her health will only worsen in the future. “If he cares about them, he would want them in a facility where they can receive professional help,” one of the folks in the comments summarizes.
Unfortunately, none of us is actually immune from the fact that in our declining years we, firstly, will have to face health and financial problems, and secondly, our children are not at all obliged to devote their lives to caring for us. For example, this post of ours is also devoted to the problem of the relationship between elderly parents and adult children. In the meantime, we would be very grateful to you if you express your point of view on the described situation in the comments below.
Most commenters found the husband’s point of view a tad bit misogynistic and stated that his parents would in fact be better off in a nursing home
165Kviews
Share on Facebook
This marriage was doomed way before the parental care question arose. OP kept a scoresheet of shortcomings and the like very early in. The husband is also a piece of work, apparently, and that should have been addressed way before the issues arose with both sets of parents.
Yea I think there was way more to it than this argument
Load More Replies...
Oh hell no, I'm a full-time caregiver for my mom whom I adore and it's no walk in the park. You end up giving up your own life, no way in hell I'd do that for someone I disliked.
It's not even fully about that too, its a lot of work to take care of someone with Dementia as well as a fall risk. I'd feel safer if they were with a professional. My Grandparents lived on their own until Grandma had hip problems and other health issues, she was the one to look after my Grandpa. Not one person can look after someone for so long without support, especially for someone who hates you.. don't think the husband would have helped if she had, even morally.
Load More Replies...
NTA. I can't believe he wants HER to take of HIS parents, who treat her like s**t! No way in hell! That is a lot to take on! He doesn't even want to do it! I'm sorry your marriage is over. Good luck.
My MIL was a very nice lady but also had the mushy brains of a 7yo from years of drugs and partying and my parents are giant pieces of human waste (don't judge, you don't wanna know half of what I lived through).... I'm sooooooo glad we were both, immediately, on the same page. Nobody's parents are allowed to move into our house. *dark humor: my MIL is now a permanent resident with us as we are the sole keepers of her ashes. MIL 1, me 0.*
This is actually a good point for couples thinking of marriage, along with in-depth conversations about finances, children (lack thereof or how to parent, how many), thoughts on caring for parents is important too.
Load More Replies...
She insists the marriage was happy so far but I see nothing to support that claim. She speaks so cold from her in-laws and how they always treated her badly while also hinting that her husband doesn't stop this effectively. The fact that he also still expects her to care for them is also a bit suspicious. Add the fact that he doesn't seem to contribute to anything it seems to me this is just the excuse she was looking for quite a while. It seems OP, as many other people, has never thought about what makes a marriage happy and healthy. She doesn't seem to know what a truly great marriage even is. I get the feeling she thinks that no outright abuse and no outright conflict = happy marriage. But that's just coexisting. Happy marriage means you actually want your partner to be with you, enjoying their company and feeling that life is easier for both of you together than for each of you alone. It's knowing that your partner will catch you if you fail and being ready to do so for them too.
You want to care for your parents. Your husband doesn’t want to care for his parents, he wants you to care for his parents - physically and financially. That’s a very different ask.
Most recently, my father has been having some mobility issues and is in a rehab facility. It is the best place for him because he has trouble getting around. My dad is just one person, so I can't imagine the OP having to take care of TWO people all day. Especially people that don't like her. The husband's words showed his true colors and how he truly sees his wife.
My grandfather lived with us for some time while suffering from dementia. It only worked because my brother and I had flipped schedules, morning grad school for me, and evening restaurant manager for him. Both my parents worked full-time and couldn't be there for him. It was NOT easy. You have to think seriously about something like that.
my sister's MIL has dementia and she tried to take care of her and her (sister's) 3 kids. MIL ended up running away so often they considered locking her in a room. >.< obviously this was not a good idea, but they couldn't get her into a home, either, since she refused to give them "custody" of her. she ended up running away 3 years ago and has not been seen by family since. caring for someone with dementia is no joke.
When grandpa got dementia my dad & aunt had to stay some nights as he started wandering around at night and just to help grandma as my handicaped uncle lives there too. Getting him into a nursing-home was the best thing. Funny enough he had a moment and asked how the horse in the basement was doing. Which was something from 70/80s up north on that family cabin where a neighbor who owned a race horse which lived in a homemade stable in the basement. I miss him :)
That is so odd to me. His options are: A) Her parents move in; She takes care of them; They pay for a decent nursing home for your parents. Or B) They get divorced; He loses his home; His parents end up in a Medicaid nursing home... and he chose B... maybe he can sue his school for giving him a degree. It sounds like fraud.
It does not sound like fraud, it doesn't even rhyme. The university is not at fault if someone moves to a location without relevant work. Someone would not sue a college because they moved to the desert after earning a marine biology degree.
Load More Replies...
Sounds like OP already made the right choice. It's ridiculous to expect her to work full time AND take care of HIS parents, especially when they haven't been very nice to her. And her offering or even TRYING to help him with an Attorney is very generous. My guess, is that HE will make this a difficult divorce process to try and "stick it" to her. But sounds like OP is a very strong person, so good for her! I'm sure he will come to a point of realization and try to get her back, if he hasn't already, but I hope she stays strong. I think her suggestion for his parents was VERY generous as well.
I’m shocked that ppl agree. She sounds like a horrible person and definitely tah! Regardless of the situation I hope he goes on to live life happy because she never loved or respected him.
The things that stand out to me, isn’t your issues, but what you said. You being ok that elderly people are going to be abused and you being A’Ok with that shows your true colours, also! Saying you’re looking for someone new and “on the same level” showing it truly is about money, when your divorce isn’t even finalized really does show your true colours. No you’re not the AH, but you are the AH for thinking that elderly abuse is ok because they treated you like S47t
Why exactly didn't any of the four of your parents plan for their own lives? Caring for my own father, who died slowly of pulmonary fibrosis over the course of 3 years, permanently ruined my physical and mental health. When I found out he refused hospice visits, which were paid for by insurance, I lost it. Any idea what it's like being on edge 24/7 because your father's on oxygen and refuses to learn how the machine works? Who won't slow down and doesn't take low blood oxygen seriously? And your husband expected you to care for one who can't walk and another with dementia? JFC, people, take responsibility for your own lives. Your children do NOT owe you their lives.
What some people don't think of with those who are or have been caretakers (whether formal or not): they can burn out. It can weigh heavily on them that others expect them to be lifelong caretakers. One telling detail about the husband's parents: apart from their being difficult, only one of the three adult children managed to avoid jail or addiction.
Only because he discovered that OP would take care of all his needs. He might end up either jailed or addicted now that she's bailing.
Load More Replies...
I'm thinking both are A**holes here. They way the wife goes on about money and the fact she knows the care home is neglectful and abusive yet she's happy to let her in law move there is disgusting. The husband thinking that his wife can do it all as she works from home is ridiculous too, you can't put that pressure on someone. I would suggest they get home help to try and sort this but as they are breaking up now and the way the wife is acting I'd say the husband is better off without her, she wanted to move her parents in even though they could try and find a cheaper place but doesn't want his parents because they are disabled is disgusting
You missed the part where OP said she would pay for a private care home for her in-laws. Hubby refused and expected her to give up her entire life to be a full-time nurse to one patient with dementia and one with mobility issues. You can't put THAT pressure on someone.
Load More Replies...
YTA. OP is definitely TA. Definitely. No sarcasm intended or implied.
You're right. She should work full time, raise the kids and take care of two people who need full time care who have always treated her poorly while providing her hubby's room and board so he can pay his student loans off. Dude, do you have any idea what it takes to care for a person with dementia? They aren't just forgetful. They revert to toddlerhood. It's heartbreaking and an incredible amout of work.
Load More Replies...
I promise this is a later in life marriage where the partnership is far more transactional than loving. Thats how it is sometimes.
Interesting. What exactly is he contributing to this trasactional relationship? Seems like she's been providing for him for a decade so he can pay off his student loans. Is her prize the opportunity to bathe and toilet both of his parents while working full time for the foreseeable future?
Load More Replies... My grandparents had mobility issues as well as dementia towards the end of their life. It was hard and it took moving to the second nursing home to find the right fit. Sometimes nurses are better fits for caring for our loved ones than we are. My Dad still works himself hard with his business (he's a electrical engineer) even today, his brother passed away earlier and my Aunt, my uncle's wife, visited them basically every week when they were still alive. And when I was down (I live 4 hours away and am also disabled so don't travel much) I visited them too. For this reason I will never begrudge someone wishing to put elderly parents in a home, especially with research to find the best one (hopefully affordable as well). Now, I am in Australia so you have a better chance to find a good one if you're lucky here, and have money, but I'm also sure OP was being reasonable and was ready to do the work to belp all parents find a home, whether nursing or cheaper. I'm glad she put her foot --
-- down with this. She was the only one being flexible but still sticking to her boundaries and mental/physical limits, whilst also being realistic about finances! And better yet, although she sounds unsympathetic she actually was somewhat sympathetic to her in Laws health. She sounds great, honestly. It's sad the husband didn't realise this. Also, care giving is back breaking work. Emotionally as well as physically it sounds like he wanted her to do all the work, no in between, no lets hire a nurse to help just Do this which.. isn't good for a marriage regardless of who says it.
Load More Replies... I thought it was a bit s****y of her to want “an equal partner, “ but it seems like the only reason he couldn’t get a better job was because they lived in her house where he didn’t have an opportunity to get a better job. Doesn’t seem like she was giving him a chance an equal partner. She is work from home, so presumably has at least some flexibility where to live. Of course this has nothing to do with her post-she is NTA for not wanting to move his parents in, but from what she says I think she is mostly to blame for the demise of this marriage.
I agree with you. She's technically NTA in this specific instance, but she doesn't seem like a generally nice or particularly caring person.
Load More Replies...
She called it quits after a 1 hour conversation and doesn't seem all that remorseful or even sad about it--she wasn't that invested in her marriage and doesn't love him all that much. I have the feeling he could tell and was trying to "test" the issue by making her make a gesture of sacrifice on his behalf, which she declined to do. Hopefully he moves away and finds a job that suits his degree.
Coming from the same culture as Op's husband, the husband's & family's mentality is not surprising. The forums are littered with DILs complaining about their PILs demands and their husbands' (pig teammates is the term) appeasement at the expense of their wives. It's sad to see in 2023 there are still people who think like that and women who would accept that. Luckily the younger generations are getting more confident and comfortable with themselves and more willing to stand up to this bs.
I would have told him my parents are moving in and his a*s can leave. Period, end of discussion!
This was never a marriage between equals, she always held the power in the relationship and would obviously throw it at his head frequently. Personally I think she would have been a pain to live with and he's well out of it. As for the parents, dementia patients need more care than most people can give, its a complex condition with more going on than just memory loss and in most cases professional care is the best option and mobility issues can also be more than just not being able to walk (I know, I'm in a wheelchair) a house has to be safe for that person. She sounds like she isn't the type of person to go out of her way to make her place that safe haven. Let her parents move in with her and I hope they see quickly they have a not very nice daughter and have the energy and time to teach her compassion
There is so much wrong with this. Yall are both AH. I also feel like it is entirely too easy for you to walk away from your marriage. Also noted how you slipped in race, making him and his parents the evil Asians and you the victimized goal oriented white woman. You knew the cultural differences were too much for either of you but yall married anyways. And I despise the way you talk about them like you are better than them. It has probably always been that way hence the reason his family dislikes you. I'm a nurse as well and have worked in many nursing homes and one thing I have noticed and is noted culturally is that most ethnic people take care of their family members at home. In my experience nursing homes tend to have more white residents. So while his "Chinese culture is slipping out" know that most cultures that revere their parents and ancestors typically take care of them in their golden years. Not just stick them in nursing homes.
My marriage was doomed to fail right from the start because my in-laws absolutely hated me because I was born in the "wrong" part of the country! They lived with us for 14 months after their immigrated to our (adopted) country; they contributed absolutely nothing to the household and they caused a huge amount of strife. My husband did absolutely nothing to make things easier and things finally came to a hit when our daughter became very ill and he chose his parents over us (daughter and myself). Now his mother is living alone in the country where she has lived for 15+ years without trying to learn the language; my Father-in-Law died alone in a care home, lying in his own bodily waste because he decided he wasn't going to do anything to aid his recovery after having a minor stroke. My ex-husband and our daughter lived in a different country to mine and he is slowly driving her insane... I don't think it will be long before she moves in with me again which I would very much welcome. My ex-husband is exactly the same as he was 10+ years since we divorced, he hasn't evolved or moved on or done anything to improve himself. I recently offered to do something nice for him which he turned down because "he didn't want to feel obligated to me"...
"His" stuff. "My" stuff. That's not a marriage. That's a business merger. He should have known better before he agreed to move into "your" house. If he's been OK with it thus far he seems to be a leech and you seem to enjoy the power trip.
TL;DR - his parents need care, hers don't, somehow he's the bad guy
And she’s being expected to take care of in-laws who are horrible to her while doing every other chore. Fix your TL;DR once you actually read through everything.
Load More Replies...
ESH and NTA, it wasn't a good situation but you took a stand. You can't have it all. Your choice, your loss, this is your life now..
The idea that the marriage is not one of equals and not one where big decisions are jointly made is a red flag. Sometimes the need for a prenup is even a red flag itself (SOMETIMES!! not always, mostly not but SOMETIMES) in this case it should have been a warning that despite having a 'home' the husband did not in fact have a home. Both decided that THEIR parents were more important than their partner's parents. Again, another red flag. The outcome seems obvious in retrospect and probably for the best ie should they have been together at all??
This marriage was doomed way before the parental care question arose. OP kept a scoresheet of shortcomings and the like very early in. The husband is also a piece of work, apparently, and that should have been addressed way before the issues arose with both sets of parents.
Yea I think there was way more to it than this argument
Load More Replies... Oh hell no, I'm a full-time caregiver for my mom whom I adore and it's no walk in the park. You end up giving up your own life, no way in hell I'd do that for someone I disliked.
It's not even fully about that too, its a lot of work to take care of someone with Dementia as well as a fall risk. I'd feel safer if they were with a professional. My Grandparents lived on their own until Grandma had hip problems and other health issues, she was the one to look after my Grandpa. Not one person can look after someone for so long without support, especially for someone who hates you.. don't think the husband would have helped if she had, even morally.
Load More Replies... NTA. I can't believe he wants HER to take of HIS parents, who treat her like s**t! No way in hell! That is a lot to take on! He doesn't even want to do it! I'm sorry your marriage is over. Good luck.
My MIL was a very nice lady but also had the mushy brains of a 7yo from years of drugs and partying and my parents are giant pieces of human waste (don't judge, you don't wanna know half of what I lived through).... I'm sooooooo glad we were both, immediately, on the same page. Nobody's parents are allowed to move into our house. *dark humor: my MIL is now a permanent resident with us as we are the sole keepers of her ashes. MIL 1, me 0.*
This is actually a good point for couples thinking of marriage, along with in-depth conversations about finances, children (lack thereof or how to parent, how many), thoughts on caring for parents is important too.
Load More Replies... She insists the marriage was happy so far but I see nothing to support that claim. She speaks so cold from her in-laws and how they always treated her badly while also hinting that her husband doesn't stop this effectively. The fact that he also still expects her to care for them is also a bit suspicious. Add the fact that he doesn't seem to contribute to anything it seems to me this is just the excuse she was looking for quite a while. It seems OP, as many other people, has never thought about what makes a marriage happy and healthy. She doesn't seem to know what a truly great marriage even is. I get the feeling she thinks that no outright abuse and no outright conflict = happy marriage. But that's just coexisting. Happy marriage means you actually want your partner to be with you, enjoying their company and feeling that life is easier for both of you together than for each of you alone. It's knowing that your partner will catch you if you fail and being ready to do so for them too.
You want to care for your parents. Your husband doesn’t want to care for his parents, he wants you to care for his parents - physically and financially. That’s a very different ask.
Most recently, my father has been having some mobility issues and is in a rehab facility. It is the best place for him because he has trouble getting around. My dad is just one person, so I can't imagine the OP having to take care of TWO people all day. Especially people that don't like her. The husband's words showed his true colors and how he truly sees his wife.
My grandfather lived with us for some time while suffering from dementia. It only worked because my brother and I had flipped schedules, morning grad school for me, and evening restaurant manager for him. Both my parents worked full-time and couldn't be there for him. It was NOT easy. You have to think seriously about something like that.
my sister's MIL has dementia and she tried to take care of her and her (sister's) 3 kids. MIL ended up running away so often they considered locking her in a room. >.< obviously this was not a good idea, but they couldn't get her into a home, either, since she refused to give them "custody" of her. she ended up running away 3 years ago and has not been seen by family since. caring for someone with dementia is no joke.
When grandpa got dementia my dad & aunt had to stay some nights as he started wandering around at night and just to help grandma as my handicaped uncle lives there too. Getting him into a nursing-home was the best thing. Funny enough he had a moment and asked how the horse in the basement was doing. Which was something from 70/80s up north on that family cabin where a neighbor who owned a race horse which lived in a homemade stable in the basement. I miss him :)
That is so odd to me. His options are: A) Her parents move in; She takes care of them; They pay for a decent nursing home for your parents. Or B) They get divorced; He loses his home; His parents end up in a Medicaid nursing home... and he chose B... maybe he can sue his school for giving him a degree. It sounds like fraud.
It does not sound like fraud, it doesn't even rhyme. The university is not at fault if someone moves to a location without relevant work. Someone would not sue a college because they moved to the desert after earning a marine biology degree.
Load More Replies... Sounds like OP already made the right choice. It's ridiculous to expect her to work full time AND take care of HIS parents, especially when they haven't been very nice to her. And her offering or even TRYING to help him with an Attorney is very generous. My guess, is that HE will make this a difficult divorce process to try and "stick it" to her. But sounds like OP is a very strong person, so good for her! I'm sure he will come to a point of realization and try to get her back, if he hasn't already, but I hope she stays strong. I think her suggestion for his parents was VERY generous as well.
I’m shocked that ppl agree. She sounds like a horrible person and definitely tah! Regardless of the situation I hope he goes on to live life happy because she never loved or respected him.
The things that stand out to me, isn’t your issues, but what you said. You being ok that elderly people are going to be abused and you being A’Ok with that shows your true colours, also! Saying you’re looking for someone new and “on the same level” showing it truly is about money, when your divorce isn’t even finalized really does show your true colours. No you’re not the AH, but you are the AH for thinking that elderly abuse is ok because they treated you like S47t
Why exactly didn't any of the four of your parents plan for their own lives? Caring for my own father, who died slowly of pulmonary fibrosis over the course of 3 years, permanently ruined my physical and mental health. When I found out he refused hospice visits, which were paid for by insurance, I lost it. Any idea what it's like being on edge 24/7 because your father's on oxygen and refuses to learn how the machine works? Who won't slow down and doesn't take low blood oxygen seriously? And your husband expected you to care for one who can't walk and another with dementia? JFC, people, take responsibility for your own lives. Your children do NOT owe you their lives.
What some people don't think of with those who are or have been caretakers (whether formal or not): they can burn out. It can weigh heavily on them that others expect them to be lifelong caretakers. One telling detail about the husband's parents: apart from their being difficult, only one of the three adult children managed to avoid jail or addiction.
Only because he discovered that OP would take care of all his needs. He might end up either jailed or addicted now that she's bailing.
Load More Replies... I'm thinking both are A**holes here. They way the wife goes on about money and the fact she knows the care home is neglectful and abusive yet she's happy to let her in law move there is disgusting. The husband thinking that his wife can do it all as she works from home is ridiculous too, you can't put that pressure on someone. I would suggest they get home help to try and sort this but as they are breaking up now and the way the wife is acting I'd say the husband is better off without her, she wanted to move her parents in even though they could try and find a cheaper place but doesn't want his parents because they are disabled is disgusting
You missed the part where OP said she would pay for a private care home for her in-laws. Hubby refused and expected her to give up her entire life to be a full-time nurse to one patient with dementia and one with mobility issues. You can't put THAT pressure on someone.
Load More Replies... YTA. OP is definitely TA. Definitely. No sarcasm intended or implied.
You're right. She should work full time, raise the kids and take care of two people who need full time care who have always treated her poorly while providing her hubby's room and board so he can pay his student loans off. Dude, do you have any idea what it takes to care for a person with dementia? They aren't just forgetful. They revert to toddlerhood. It's heartbreaking and an incredible amout of work.
Load More Replies... I promise this is a later in life marriage where the partnership is far more transactional than loving. Thats how it is sometimes.
Interesting. What exactly is he contributing to this trasactional relationship? Seems like she's been providing for him for a decade so he can pay off his student loans. Is her prize the opportunity to bathe and toilet both of his parents while working full time for the foreseeable future?
Load More Replies... My grandparents had mobility issues as well as dementia towards the end of their life. It was hard and it took moving to the second nursing home to find the right fit. Sometimes nurses are better fits for caring for our loved ones than we are. My Dad still works himself hard with his business (he's a electrical engineer) even today, his brother passed away earlier and my Aunt, my uncle's wife, visited them basically every week when they were still alive. And when I was down (I live 4 hours away and am also disabled so don't travel much) I visited them too. For this reason I will never begrudge someone wishing to put elderly parents in a home, especially with research to find the best one (hopefully affordable as well). Now, I am in Australia so you have a better chance to find a good one if you're lucky here, and have money, but I'm also sure OP was being reasonable and was ready to do the work to belp all parents find a home, whether nursing or cheaper. I'm glad she put her foot --
-- down with this. She was the only one being flexible but still sticking to her boundaries and mental/physical limits, whilst also being realistic about finances! And better yet, although she sounds unsympathetic she actually was somewhat sympathetic to her in Laws health. She sounds great, honestly. It's sad the husband didn't realise this. Also, care giving is back breaking work. Emotionally as well as physically it sounds like he wanted her to do all the work, no in between, no lets hire a nurse to help just Do this which.. isn't good for a marriage regardless of who says it.
Load More Replies... I thought it was a bit s****y of her to want “an equal partner, “ but it seems like the only reason he couldn’t get a better job was because they lived in her house where he didn’t have an opportunity to get a better job. Doesn’t seem like she was giving him a chance an equal partner. She is work from home, so presumably has at least some flexibility where to live. Of course this has nothing to do with her post-she is NTA for not wanting to move his parents in, but from what she says I think she is mostly to blame for the demise of this marriage.
I agree with you. She's technically NTA in this specific instance, but she doesn't seem like a generally nice or particularly caring person.
Load More Replies... She called it quits after a 1 hour conversation and doesn't seem all that remorseful or even sad about it--she wasn't that invested in her marriage and doesn't love him all that much. I have the feeling he could tell and was trying to "test" the issue by making her make a gesture of sacrifice on his behalf, which she declined to do. Hopefully he moves away and finds a job that suits his degree.
Coming from the same culture as Op's husband, the husband's & family's mentality is not surprising. The forums are littered with DILs complaining about their PILs demands and their husbands' (pig teammates is the term) appeasement at the expense of their wives. It's sad to see in 2023 there are still people who think like that and women who would accept that. Luckily the younger generations are getting more confident and comfortable with themselves and more willing to stand up to this bs.
I would have told him my parents are moving in and his a*s can leave. Period, end of discussion!
This was never a marriage between equals, she always held the power in the relationship and would obviously throw it at his head frequently. Personally I think she would have been a pain to live with and he's well out of it. As for the parents, dementia patients need more care than most people can give, its a complex condition with more going on than just memory loss and in most cases professional care is the best option and mobility issues can also be more than just not being able to walk (I know, I'm in a wheelchair) a house has to be safe for that person. She sounds like she isn't the type of person to go out of her way to make her place that safe haven. Let her parents move in with her and I hope they see quickly they have a not very nice daughter and have the energy and time to teach her compassion
There is so much wrong with this. Yall are both AH. I also feel like it is entirely too easy for you to walk away from your marriage. Also noted how you slipped in race, making him and his parents the evil Asians and you the victimized goal oriented white woman. You knew the cultural differences were too much for either of you but yall married anyways. And I despise the way you talk about them like you are better than them. It has probably always been that way hence the reason his family dislikes you. I'm a nurse as well and have worked in many nursing homes and one thing I have noticed and is noted culturally is that most ethnic people take care of their family members at home. In my experience nursing homes tend to have more white residents. So while his "Chinese culture is slipping out" know that most cultures that revere their parents and ancestors typically take care of them in their golden years. Not just stick them in nursing homes.
My marriage was doomed to fail right from the start because my in-laws absolutely hated me because I was born in the "wrong" part of the country! They lived with us for 14 months after their immigrated to our (adopted) country; they contributed absolutely nothing to the household and they caused a huge amount of strife. My husband did absolutely nothing to make things easier and things finally came to a hit when our daughter became very ill and he chose his parents over us (daughter and myself). Now his mother is living alone in the country where she has lived for 15+ years without trying to learn the language; my Father-in-Law died alone in a care home, lying in his own bodily waste because he decided he wasn't going to do anything to aid his recovery after having a minor stroke. My ex-husband and our daughter lived in a different country to mine and he is slowly driving her insane... I don't think it will be long before she moves in with me again which I would very much welcome. My ex-husband is exactly the same as he was 10+ years since we divorced, he hasn't evolved or moved on or done anything to improve himself. I recently offered to do something nice for him which he turned down because "he didn't want to feel obligated to me"...
"His" stuff. "My" stuff. That's not a marriage. That's a business merger. He should have known better before he agreed to move into "your" house. If he's been OK with it thus far he seems to be a leech and you seem to enjoy the power trip.
TL;DR - his parents need care, hers don't, somehow he's the bad guy
And she’s being expected to take care of in-laws who are horrible to her while doing every other chore. Fix your TL;DR once you actually read through everything.
Load More Replies... ESH and NTA, it wasn't a good situation but you took a stand. You can't have it all. Your choice, your loss, this is your life now..
The idea that the marriage is not one of equals and not one where big decisions are jointly made is a red flag. Sometimes the need for a prenup is even a red flag itself (SOMETIMES!! not always, mostly not but SOMETIMES) in this case it should have been a warning that despite having a 'home' the husband did not in fact have a home. Both decided that THEIR parents were more important than their partner's parents. Again, another red flag. The outcome seems obvious in retrospect and probably for the best ie should they have been together at all??
88
61