According to Alex Lickerman, M.D., who is the author of The Undefeated Mind: On the Science of Constructing an Indestructible Self, control over our lives is something we all want, but in a universe in which everything is mutually interdependent, none of us entirely have it over anything, including, much of the time, ourselves.
Rather, what we all have in abundance is influence: the closer personally and physically others are to us, the greater our influence over them, and vice versa. Curious about the extent of this, Reddit user Kaushman2 asked other people on the platform to share the most effective psychological tricks they've ever used. Here are some of the most popular answers.
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I always pay attention to what people do when they are trying to do something nice for someone else and do it back to them.
For example, one of my friends and one of my sisters are constantly sending people cards in the mail. For all sorts of occasions. Whenever these ladies are trying to do something nice, they do it via cards.
What I realized is that they, themselves, SUPER enjoy receiving cards and mail. That is why they think it's such a nice gesture and do it for other people.
I don't usually send anybody cards myself, but on occasion I will make a point to send those two ladies cards, and the payoff is always HUGE. They both get so excited and text me extensively about how much they loved their card. It's extremely cute.
Another example is my mom always goes out of her way to set the table in a fancy way for someone's birthday dinner. My mom loooooves fancy table settings, so to her that is a really great gesture that makes things feel very special. One year I was dropping off a birthday cake for her while she was out, and my husband and I stayed an extra 10 minutes to set the table for her too. We didn't do much beyond putting down a table cloth and matching plates with the cake sort of artfully placed in the center, but holy cow the payoff was HUGE. Apparently my mom was so touched when she came home and saw the table that she burst into tears.
This isn't a trick if you're thinking psychological manipulation. It's more if you are trying to think of the most impactful way to show someone your love, your best bet is to mirror that person's methods of being loving back to them. .
It's that whole thing of treat others how you want to be treated. If you notice that someone does a certain nice gesture often, mirroring that would mean so much to them
Giving a friend's child (10 yo) an illusion of choice to get them to do something you want them to do. So instead of saying "put your socks on", say "do you want these socks, or these ones". Or same for dinner. Not "Eat your dinner". Ask, "do you want peas or brocolli?" They feel ownership of their choice and some control in their life. Kids in general, have very little control over their lives and they need practice to make decisions.
"The False Choice" is a very useful skill of negociation. I use that a lot with frenetic patients in my emergency department. Oh and yeah for sure it works great with kids.
When my kids were younger if I thought they were lying, I would ask them to stick out their tongue. They thought I could tell from the colour of their tongue whether they were lying or not.
In reality, it was that they would hesitate before sticking out their tongue that told me if they were lying or not.
Tell your kids that chores will be done after your nap and they will let you hibernate through the winter without any distractions.
When upset callers would rant and start to curse and yell, I'd interrupt with "Wow, I am really sorry that you feel you have to talk to me this way in order for me to help you. You don't, but I understand. I'll let you talk and then I am going to help you. I am sorry I interrupted you; you were saying?
They would either apologize, chance their tone or hang up. I was fine with either one.
I worked at an insurance agency where a lot of customers were crabby or rude. I’ve rented in the area for a decade, so I’ve gotten familiar with all of the parks in town. I’d look at their address and say “Oh! You live right by Kingston Park. I walk my dog there all the time!” Their attitudes did a 180. They didn’t want to be jerks to somebody they might encounter in real life.
That one is really effective. People are rude cause they think you are a nobody. I also tend to call (respectfully) people by their first name and as a nurse it changes so many things !
One of my favorite tricks I use on myself is, when I can't sleep, I just curl into the most comfy position, close my eyes and pretend really hard that it's 6 am and I have to get up. I don't know why, but it makes me fall asleep real quick.
Telling people "thank you for letting me know" when they're critical or giving unsolicited advice. Totally throws them off.
Owning up to my mistakes with full, if not excessive, ownership. It tends to disarm the offended.
Yes. I say "I am so sorry I will try to not do that again. I take this as a learning experience. How can we move forward?"
When someone is yelling at you in public, I always remain calm and nonexpressive. Not giving them the reaction they want and escalating makes them feel/look goofy.
I choose to stay extra calm or very threatening, depending on the context. Once, I was being insulted by an extremely agressive stranger (because I refused to go have a coffee with him). I said 'insults coming from you sound like a compliment'. He was dumbfounded, and while he was looking for an answer I escaped. Another time, a stupid man decided to insult me because I was well dressed so he thought I was rich (and he said he hated white rich people), I saw he was all mouth and no trousers, he began threatening me and I answered 'yes, just come and fight' with all my rage (I'm a petite woman), he stepped back, startled, and left. You really need to read the room but remaining calm is the preferred option.
Toss a coin to reveal how you feel about a decision. if you wish it went the other way, do the other thing. if it's "oh, yeah, that's fine", stick with the coin.
Acctualy this one came in my minde -To avoid workplace drama and be well liked is to just compliment people behind their back.
My son is neurodivergent. If I just go up to him and tell him it's time to go, there's major pushback. If I tell him we're going in 5 minutes, he has a bit of time to prepare for a shift in focus and will happily follow me. This works with anything with him. I've told his teachers and they find out quickly that you've got to give him that heads up or it's a major pain in the a*s to get him switched.
Isnt' it the case for like all of the kid ? Mine are just regular kids and damn they need additionnal time for everything.
When getting a client's background (social services) and they bring up their kids, ask to see a photo or ask something that triggers a proud parent response. Accelerates the process of building trust.
If you want someone to like you, ask them for their opinion or help in something you know they are good at.
People like to feel important and needed, so you fill a need by asking, so they automatically view you positively. It also opens them up, even many shy people will open up if it is something they enjoy or are talented at. You meet some great people this way.
Bonus, you can see how they treat people while in a position of "authority", which will help you decide if you want to continue to build a relationship. .
Not sure how well it actually works, but one good one is saying thank you instead of sorry. Like ”thank you for waiting” instead of ”sorry for being late”. It draws attention away from the negative.
I have found this very useful and good for self esteem. It is a reminder that I am allowed to take up space in this world and am not inherently wrong for doing so. Ì don't have to apologize for being human.
I tell my husband when my teacup is full. This is how I imagine my ability to regulate my emotions and how likely I am to snap at someone. I'll say stuff like, "My teacup is almost full but I'll do my best." When I'm overwhelmed I can say my cup is full and he immediately understands what I mean and what that means for a while.
We use this with our daughter to some success, where she can at least identify when she's getting overwhelmed before it hits the peak. Then we move into how we can best empty our cup in a way that's not overwhelming, and doesn't make others feel bad. After all, screaming might empty our cups quickly, but we're just pouring that energy into someone else's cup.
The best part is that because I've used this pretty consistently, I have a better feel for how much emotional bandwidth I have at that moment and can be honest with friends and coworkers, "I really want to hear this story, but I don't have much room in my cup. Give me 5 minutes to take a quick break and when I come back I'm all ears." It's been great and I feel like my relationships have gotten better.
Seasickness cure Only works on others (won’t work on yourself or anyone you tell the “secret” to). Tell the person experiencing seasickness they need to eat an orange (or any other available random thing, oranges or other citrus works well for the explanation.). Explain that they cure sea sickness and that’s why pirates and all the other explorers used to seek them out and always made sure they had some on the ship. Now the psychology behind it is that nothing truly cures sea sickness but it is mostly caused from your mind being confused by not seeing the horizon correctly. Basically telling the person that an orange or whatever you recommend they eat / drink causes them to experience the placebo effect and their brain believes the problem just went away. Used this successfully 5 or 6 times with complete strangers and also on my wife. When we got back from our latest excursion my wife was the one to repeat it to someone else. Still works for her too.
I think scurvy had a little to do with sailors eating citrus fruits 🙄
Under promise and over deliver.
Always keep your promises. Never promise if you're not 100% sure of keeping it.
Asking "would you be opposed to doing X?" instead of "would you be willing to do X?".
At work, when I want a particular outcome from a boss, I don’t ask them if I can do a thing. I state that I’m doing a thing (and give a reasonable reason why), and then ask them to let me know if they have any objections.
I now get to do far more of what I want than before.
My "dad voice". It's amazing how hard it can jolt people. I think the funniest use though was playing volleyball. I'd just boom out "mine!" and the other team would all step away from the ball.
I have harnessed the power of positive reinforcement. Instead of focusing on what is wrong, I make a conscious effort to highlight and praise the positive behaviors or traits of others.
When someone does something you like, reward them. Much in the sense of “good boy” for a dog. So if they say something you like “I like how you said that!” Or “that’s a good question”. It’s really just positive reinforcement, but it works really well especially in the work place. For instance, “I really like the way you write that report” or “thank you so much for noticing that. I admire that you’re able to do that and it’s helpful”. People often forget to just compliment people and when you learn to give people meaningful compliments you’d be surprised how much easier life will go socially and professionally.
Another one I’ll say is, a few weeks into a new job, bring donuts or cookies or something. It’s a good gesture that will help get people to like you, especially if you got off on a wrong foot.
I think that wears off pretty quick. Also, it depends very much on who you work with. It may have benefits with some people but other people will exploit all the donuts 😩
Listening to happy music can actually make you happier. Those lyrics are affirmations. If you keep repeating lyrics that says you’re a piece of s**t or you’re not worthy you’ll end up believing it.
No you should listen to KoRN and then you will transfer all your self-hate onto the planet. x. Have a great day out there grumpy pandas.
When someone is raising their voice at you, lower yours in volume rather than raising yours to match.
Yep I do this all the time. Talk quieter. My ex used to complain and say it was so the room would go quiet and give me the centre of attention. My reaction: Yes, that's what it's meant to do.
I used this technique at University where I couldn't stand the thought of having to answer questions in front of a group of people. So if you find yourself in a group situation where someone (a leader, tutor, manager etc) is asking questions that must be answered and you want to avoid being picked so that you don't have to talk, then here is my tip. If the person locks eyes on you as they ask the question, then just as they are about get to the end of their question you break eye contact and look towards another person in the room and hold it. Their attention is diverted to that other person just as the question ends and the person they are now looking at feels compelled to answer. If however the person starts asking the question while looking at someone else then look at that other person and hold it so you can't get suckered. Use it sparingly because if you do it enough on the same person, they will be on to you.
Visualize the prize...whatever the goal is, I mentally run through the process and visualize the best case scenario outcome. Part of that is considering the worst case scenario, accepting the possibility, and continuing to visualize the best outcome.
"Are you Okay???!!" While undergoing a painful shoulder procedure on that already painful area, I was actively in a mental space of visualizing running through a meadow of wildflowers, full-speed on a warm summer day. "Yeah, I'm just running through a meadow in my head until this is done." The med tech was really worried that I had passed out on the table and had the doc stop the procedure, which was jarring and painful. Now I warn people.
It is like a very effective form of dissociation, I suppose. For good or bad, it works. Especially with breathing big.
Mirroring body language. This works super well when meeting someone for the first time, as it subconsciously puts the other person at ease.
But dont do it really obviously because that can come off creepy!
Using awkward silences to get what you want. Ask somebody for something. If they give you a reason not to give it to you say nothing. Stand there and more often than not they’ll give in and give it to you.
It works but beware, the person may hold a grudge against you for it. It feels manipulative (because it is).
Note: this post originally had 48 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
When someone says something mean to you or is sarcastic to you, pretend you didn't hear them the first time and ask them to repeat it. They usually don't say it again, or just mumble something. You'd be surprised how many times this has worked for me.
Until you run into a prick like me, who will say the comment over and over until I at least get a pity laugh.
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This list just kinda makes me feel bad for all the positive stuff I could be doing but don't do on a regular basis. Y'all sound so healthy out here.
When someone says something mean to you or is sarcastic to you, pretend you didn't hear them the first time and ask them to repeat it. They usually don't say it again, or just mumble something. You'd be surprised how many times this has worked for me.
Until you run into a prick like me, who will say the comment over and over until I at least get a pity laugh.
Load More Replies... This list just kinda makes me feel bad for all the positive stuff I could be doing but don't do on a regular basis. Y'all sound so healthy out here.
