When you marry a person, their family also becomes a significant part of your life. However, bringing in new relationships and traditions sometimes also entails additional friction.
And a recent story from the subreddit ‘Just No MIL‘ is a good reminder of that. Shared by platform user BloomArticle, it describes a time when the woman’s mother-in-law decided to deceive her and throw her daughter (the lady’s grandchild) a birthday party, even though she was explicitly told not to.
Some people clearly need more lessons on maintaining boundaries and showing respect.
This woman was planning to throw her daughter her first birthday party
Image credits: Banyushka / Envato (not the actual photo)
But her mother-in-law stole the show and organized one behind her back
Image credits: BGStock72 / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: BloomArticle
Daughter-in-law and mother-in-law conflicts are the most frequent among in-laws
Image credits: ADDICTIVE_STOCK / Envato (not the actual photo)
Psychologist Dr. Terri Apter says that clashes between in-laws can arise from the tiniest issues.
“Our mother-in-law compliments or corrects a child, and we want to scream. Our daughter-in-law declines our offer to help her prepare the dinner, and we feel rejected. Since showing our irritation or hurt is bound to make things worse, we bottle our anger or disguise our affront, and this can make us feel worse as we ruminate on the offense,” writes Apter, who is also the author of What Do You Want from Me?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws.
A recent study that looked at very common but often misunderstood problems with in-laws from an evolutionary perspective supports Apter’s own data on in-law conflict showing that tensions between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law are the most frequent, though the newer research also discovered that in-law complaints (from both daughter-in-law and son-in-law) are more likely to be directed towards the mother-in-law than the father-in-law.
When all of the accumulated frustration pops, it can be extremely difficult for everyone to find a way out without getting hurt.
“Each woman, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, wants to be the A person in her family, whose needs and values carry authority,” Apter explains. “The rhythms of mother/daughter conflict are, by this time, well-oiled. If [a woman] challenges her mother-in-law, however, those rhythms jerk and break. Each is alarmed by what might happen, so each turns away from the other when dissatisfaction percolates.”
“Perhaps, instead of direct confrontation, each complains to the man in the middle, the son and partner, who often makes things worse by defending his mother (so the wife feels undermined and betrayed); or, he defends his wife against his mother’s complaints, so his mother worries that she is losing a special closeness to her son.”
Building a strong relationship with your in-laws takes time and patience, but is it even possible when they tell you one thing and then do the complete opposite behind your back?
People have had a lot of strong reactions to this story
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I personally like the comment about getting a sitter and showing up sans baby. Can't have a 1st birthday party without the baby.
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Speak to your husband, you need a strategy for dealing with her - how to ensure she respects boundaries or is LC. Husband deserved to be part of the discussion because it's his family and will affect him more. But he needs to step up or step back and let OP go low contact.
I believe that he was just as blindsided as OP about the brunch-birthday party. But I think it's up to DH alone to set his mother straight regarding boundaries. First, she's uninvited to LO'S upcoming party. Actions have consequences. Second, the passive-aggressive comments and behavior STOPS. NOW. Third, she issues a GENUINE apology to OP, with the guarantee that nothing like this will EVER happen again. If she doesn't agree to all of the aforementioned terms, then it's LC, which can easily evolve into NC. What happens from that point on is up to her.
Load More Replies... Lies and manipulation are a surefire way to end up being denied seeing your grandchild.
I personally like the comment about getting a sitter and showing up sans baby. Can't have a 1st birthday party without the baby.
Load More Replies... Speak to your husband, you need a strategy for dealing with her - how to ensure she respects boundaries or is LC. Husband deserved to be part of the discussion because it's his family and will affect him more. But he needs to step up or step back and let OP go low contact.
I believe that he was just as blindsided as OP about the brunch-birthday party. But I think it's up to DH alone to set his mother straight regarding boundaries. First, she's uninvited to LO'S upcoming party. Actions have consequences. Second, the passive-aggressive comments and behavior STOPS. NOW. Third, she issues a GENUINE apology to OP, with the guarantee that nothing like this will EVER happen again. If she doesn't agree to all of the aforementioned terms, then it's LC, which can easily evolve into NC. What happens from that point on is up to her.
Load More Replies... Lies and manipulation are a surefire way to end up being denied seeing your grandchild.
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