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Romantic relationships are a lot more difficult in real life than what you see on the silver screen. For one, walking down the aisle on your Big Day isn’t the culmination of everything. It’s the start of a new era with your soulmate. And marriage requires a ton of consistent work and effort.
In a brutally candid and practical thread on the ‘AskOldPeople’ online group, married couples revealed the harshest truths they found out about marriage the hard way. We’ve collected their pearls of wisdom to help you level up your love life. Keep scrolling to read them.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
If you don't marry your friend, you're in for a rough time. Romance and lust fade.
RELATED:
#2
Love is a choice, not an emotion. I choose to love my wife through good and bad.
#3
Both (or all) partners have to buy into the idea that they have to consider their spouse first. If just one person does all the adapting it's not a marriage, it's servitude. M or F doesn't matter, it can go either way.
It is incredibly easy to hand out relationship advice. Putting it into practice, however? Far more difficult and emotionally vexing than you might think. If you want to have a happy and healthy marriage, you have to embrace growth, communicate often, and fundamentally respect your partner.
According to Kaja Perina, the Editor in Chief of Psychology Today, some of the hard truths “from the trenches” of marriage are facts like:
- You can only change yourself, not your partner
- You will have one disagreement you won’t be able to resolve
- Having to be stoic about doing housework because your efforts likely won’t be noticed
- The qualities that frustrate you about your partner are closely linked to those that you love
- Others might misjudge your relationship, so you have to ignore their criticism
- Challenges and adversity in your relationship can potentially improve it
- You have to take responsibility for your goals, dreams, and frustrations, while also helping your partner deal with their
- Not forgetting the moment when you first connected
#4
The biggest problem in marriage is yourself. You can't change or fix anyone else. Look at who they actually are and not who they tell you they are. Source, I'm on my second marriage. First was awful. My second marriage is wonderful. But my own demons are still here.
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago
Not always. My wife lost her faculties, and became a completely different person. That wasn't my fault, it was a previously undiagnosed physiological condition.
#6
Sometimes you’ll feel like roommates. And, honestly, that's not always a bad thing. Maybe there are times when one or the other of you is having a hard time; you're not feeling romantic or snuggly. You're struggling with mental health issues or hard times at work. You retreat into yourself and simply exist for a while.
lenka 2 weeks ago
One of my husband's greatest strengths and one of the biggest blessings he gives me is holding space for me when I am having a hard time. He doesn't push, pull, demand or otherwise force his will on me. He holds space and waits patiently for me to be ready to talk and then listens when I am. The best way to describe it is that he seems to recognise that I need to go into emotional hibernation. He builds a little metaphorical house around me. He insulates and warms the space so I am safe and warm. He makes sure the world outside turns for as long as I need it to turn without me. He puts a little light at the exit door so I can find my way out and he is always waiting with open arms when I do.
Meanwhile, CNBC notes that love by itself typically isn’t enough to hold a marriage together. You need a lot more, including effort, commitment, and the willingness to adapt. That means regularly planning quality time together and having check-ins.
What’s more, you’re likely going to argue with your spouse. However, if you handle those disagreements in a healthy way, by having deep and meaningful conversations about your wants and needs, you can solve problems instead of damaging your relationship. This requires both of you to set judgment aside and not attack each other.
On top of that, you have to understand that your soulmate probably won’t be able to meet all of your emotional needs. You will, inevitably, need to have strong relationships outside of your marriage. Moreover, both you and your partner will doubtless change as individuals over time, and you will have to adapt to this.
#7
Your spouse will change. You will change. Physical changes, emotional changes, changes in interests. If one or both of you can't love each other through these changes, your marriage is doomed.
You will not like everything about your partner. They won't like everything about you. This doesn't mean either of you has to change, just that you have to find ways to deal with it.
Love is not enough. You need certain compatibilities in lifestyle choices and financial management. Will you have kids? If so, how many? City, suburb, or rural? Vacations: cruises and resorts, or camping and backpacking? How will you manage what each of you sees as a frivolous expense? These little compromises add up over time and breed resentments. My husband and I had a "yours, mine, and ours" system. We contributed to a shared account proportionate to our incomes to pay for shared expenses. Whatever we each had left was our own personal play money and nothing bought with personal funds could be criticized.
How will you deal with in-laws? You have to be a united team on this one. My husband and I agreed that weddings and funerals were mandatory. Everything else was optional.
That "in sickness and in health" thing is REAL. If a car accident leaves one of you disabled or if one of you gets cancer, will one of you bail because you were only in it for the person as they were when you met them? The longer you're married, the more likely this becomes. At the end of his life, my husband was losing his mind and his medication was giving him diarrhea. I waited on him, I helped him to the bathroom, I changed his Depends. This isn't an unusual outcome in late middle or old age. If you're not rich enough to have paid caretakers, do you love this person enough that you'll do it with patience and kindness?
The good about decades-long relationships is fantastic, but the bad can be heartbreaking. If you only want the good, stick to watching rom-coms.
Auntriarch 2 weeks ago
My mother is currently running herself into the ground because she feels she must do everything for my father, because she promised in sickness and in health. I keep trying to tell her that it's not letting him down to give the boring mucky jobs to someone else, and just do the fun stuff, because she's running out of energy to do the fun stuff, and that's not fair on either of them.
#8
Many different seasons of life.
Newlywed, young married, married with kids, married with teenagers, empty nesters, married with health issues, etc.
You'll relate to your spouse differently depending on the season.
It's a romance, friendship, roommate, business partner, etc. all rolled into one person.
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago (edited)
Absolutely. The older you are, the more realistic, in my experience. In addition, once children are living by themselves, and you don't need to work, things become simpler.
#9
You will disappoint one another, you will want to separate, you will fight over the stupidest things, you will make dumb decisions together.
However, you will always remember that the person you married is the person you want to grow old with and the one you love with your entire being.
And you will fight to right the wrong and to you will learn and grow as a couple. And the years will add up, and the wrinkles and gray will appear. And you will know that you could not imagine anyone else by your side.
*married 38 years*.
We’d love to hear your thoughts on relationships, dear Pandas. In your experience, what are the biggest challenges of married life? How do you deal with them?
What do you do to stay close to your significant other, no matter how many years and decades fly by? What advice would you give newlyweds to help them make the most of married life?
Let us know in the comments down below!
#10
A decent number of people who get divorced still love each other. Love isn’t enough. The other needed components vary.
Michael Largey 2 weeks ago
An indecent number of people who stay married don't still love each other.
#12
My brother in law was a very successful, smart, and extremely handsome man. He had a beautiful tenor voice, was a navy officer, and ran a computer business. When he was married 54 years, he said at the dinner table to our family of 4 generations when asked why he chose his wife:
well, i will tell you this. I dated many beautiful women. I dated some brilliant women. I dated a professional opera singer. I chose your mother because she has a rare golden heart. This is the partner I wanted to rear my children and share my life. We share the same values, and perspective on life. If that isn't enough, she can drive a standard, and makes a mean fried chicken. Cheers!
We asked his wife why she married him: mmmm....he had a car and was a good kisser?
Edit: to answer those that DMed me, yes this really happened. Be assured my sister in law was smart, beautiful and wonderful. She was his match and equal in all aspects. They reared 4 children and have 11 grandchildren. Together they climbed many mountains. My brother in law is in his late 80s with Alzheimers. He has forgotten most of his life, but he still recognizes and sparkles when he sees her. She is totally devoted to him and supervises his care. She is mostly in a wheelchair now, and they are together nearly 24 7. They live with their third child and his family. ❤️
Thank you who asked for the rest of their story. 🌺.
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago
Im with my current partner mainly because we're the same kind of weird 😜
#13
You aren’t going to be madly in love with them every single day. Things get routine. No human being can completely get along with their spouse every minute, there will often be little annoyances.
*But* there should be moments when you look at them and think, I’m so glad I married you.
The joke amongst long married couples is that arguments aren’t about character or ethics or how to handle a difficult situation. We will be on the same page on those things. The arguments will be about stupid little physical things like where to put the new shoe rack.
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago (edited)
Absolutely. That bloody shoe rack! (in our case, which ham to buy, and how to organise water in the fridge 😁. We did have one disagreement about which country to live in, but we're different!)
#14
Marriage tends to benefit men more than women, despite the stereotypes that imply the opposite.
David Paterson 2 weeks ago
It's true. Married men on average live longer than single men. And married women shorter.
#15
You will be in the wrong a lot of the time. Every time you're arguing with your partner, no matter how absolutely convinced you are that you're right, about half the time you're going to be wrong.
It's surprising how many people are surprised by that.
#16
It's hard when you lose a child. You would think you would get closer but not always.
David Paterson 2 weeks ago (edited)
Yes! Very hard. Loss of a child is a major cause of marriage breakup. You can't help someone through grief when you're heavily in grief yourself. Also, it changes people.
#17
Bad power dynamics only get worse as you both get older. As you become physically and financially dependent on your partner, leaving becomes much more difficult. Get out of a bad relationship early.
#18
If you do get rid of the guy who has a thing that drives you crazy, realize the next guy will have one, too. You just trade one massively irritating thing for another. Identify your own annoying thing, and work together through the hard stuff.
#19
You do marry your spouses family -- even if there is little to no contact between your spouse & their family. There will be an effect on your marriage. It could be good but many times people think they will never repeat toxic traits they grew up with but they do. Counseling & self-awareness helps but running away from the dysfunction on both sides is temporary. Own your toxicity & don't marry a spouse to escape it or sort it out for you. Nature & nurture has its lasting effects -- good, bad & indifferent.
#20
It's a lot of extra work, mostly for women and can be way more lonely and hopeless than being single.
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago (edited)
My partner does a lot more than me, it's true. She decorates, and even mows the lawn (quite a job in the tropics). Mostly, I cook and do the stuff she hates, but that's not much compared to her efforts. That's because that's what she wants to do. To be fair, I do provide all the financing, but I don't think that is equivalent, I'm just not good at or able to do most of these things. Planning a holiday around Europe, though, and I'm golden!
#21
If it doesn't work, you may have the dubious pleasure of seeing somebody who you knew *through and through --* someone you knew as well as you know the fit of your own gloves -- turn into a complete and total stranger in front of your eyes.
And I'm not talking about "*you were deluding yourself, the signs were there, you didn't really know them.*" Contrary to what many believe, people *do* change, and not always for the better.
On the bright side, having experienced this, and being able to understand and accept that people change, can make subsequent relationships a whole lot better. It's the disappointment and inability to accept -- or not -- that your partner is no longer the person you met way back when that makes a lot of people (and marriages) miserable.
And the experience also removes the need for a lot of the "work" that folks keep talking about. An awful lot of that is just negotiating around the fact that people have the *right* to change or make mistakes. And they don't always owe you a price or explanation for everything.
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago
Yes. I kept supporting my wife way past the time I needed to. Fortunately, it didn't break me, and a subsequent partner made me realise that I wasn't responsible, even though I thought I should be.
#22
If you have stuff that you aren't happy about in yourself, marriage won't sort it out for you. Anxiety, low self esteem, depression, and any other issues are your own responsibility and you are the only one who can sort them out.
David Paterson 2 weeks ago (edited)
If you have a psychosis, such as paranoia, borderline personality disorder, s*lf h*rm or megalomania, then don't even consider marriage. Get yourself sorted out first.
#23
Your spouse and you fart in front of each other. Also no one looks good in the morning.
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago (edited)
She started morning after our first night together. In the lift after breakfast. Start as you mean to go on, she said! And she looks absolutely bloody marvellous, even first thing!
#24
This wasn't harsh for my husband and me, but, it seems that many young people think that they should have 100% of the same level of autonomy and privacy that they had while single even after marriage. When you are in a committed partnership, married or not, you have to have consideration for the other person. You can't just navigate the world as if you were alone and you shouldn't have any meaningful secrets from one another or secrets that can impact your relationship.
If you don't want to be accountable to another person in any way and if you want a lot of privacy, it is probably not a good idea to marry unless you have a partner who also wants exactly that. You don't lose your identity or sense of self (or at least I didn't), but you also have to act more with a sense of being a team first and foremost. People don't struggle with the idea of putting their children first, but they do seem to struggle with the idea of putting their relationship/partner first compared to friends and their family of origin.
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago (edited)
We don't have any real privacy, put then we do, because we don't pry. If I pick up my partner's phone out of some interest, it's absolutely fine, and vice versa. Mail too. We keep no secrets, but we don't need to know mostly. I do the finance, for example. I might talk about it, but I don't need to share details and amounts. I trust her completely, and her me.
#25
As a man in a long marriage of 35 years I learned that women really do perceive the world differently. It takes a long time to grasp these differences. For my wife, the relationship between us is a kind of being greater than us individually which we both (ideally) submit our own needs. If the relationship approves those needs get met. Later in the relationship as I began to explore my needs more and the relationship granted more. I understand this more like symbiosis then as codependence.
#26
You can’t change anyone. Either accept who they are, faults and all, and be happy or don’t marry them.
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago
My current partner is changing me, or at least her actions are helping me to change. I just notice that I'm becoming a better person by being with her.
#27
People stay in them for tons of reasons that have nothing to do with love. Mostly optics I think. I never encourage my kids to get married. I think that piece of paper creates expectations to stay together till the end of time even if you make each other miserable. I always told my sons that if it’s not working, just let it go and move on.
#28
That learning how to fight fairly is really important thing to sustain a marriage.
#29
Marriage is not a 50-50 thing. If all you are giving is 50% you are doomed to fail.
Also, if I feel like my wife isn't meeting my needs, she probably feels the same way, and the only person I have any control over is myself. If I step it up she will notice, feel better about things, and respond by stepping thing up herself.
PenguinEmp 2 weeks ago
Or you find yourself saying, she isn't noticing so why bother keeping it going.
#30
Harsh truth: Too many people find marriage too hard, because they marry the wrong person. They make terrible choices or are impulsive and immature. Maybe, they’re terrible people themselves, who never look to themselves as the reason things didn’t work out.
Don’t marry only for looks or money, because of a pregnancy, out of desperation or despair; because your parents arranged it, because you’re the “right age”, because you're “behind” all your friends already doing it, because it “looks good” in your career.
You marry because you simply cannot imagine living the rest of your life without your favorite person in it; a person who is kind, with whom you share essential values, for whom hard work and sacrifice aren’t really. Whom you can trust and respect. When it’s a situation where every day is a better day, whenever you can talk to or spend time with them.
Don’t marry people who can never tell the truth or who always place the blame on others; who dominate or control you or pick themselves over you—or never out you first, over their friends or family. Don’t be those people yourself, either.
IOW: marry in haste and repent at leisure. Better to never marry at all, than to settle for less and have to put up with disrespect, infidelity, chaos and damage, for the rest of your life. .
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago
I have the impression that most people make do, and marry because they think they need to. It's sad to see.
#31
Ladies, your status as a responsible, respected adult will instantly be demoted. One example from my own life to illustrate this common feature of sharing your life with a male: For many years I owned a very nice ocean-front beach house, and payed a local real estate company to oversee it since I lived on the opposite coast. Then I married, and ADDED my husband’s name to the property. (Not dumb, as he did the same) IMMEDIATELY, ALL mail from EVERY Source concerning the house, was addressed with his name, and only his name, as though my (unchanged) name had never been associated with this property. No mistake, just “policy.”.
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago (edited)
The first time my wife got mail with my name (Mrs myfirstname my surname) I was flabbergasted. Fortunately, it happens rarely in most countries I've lived in.
#32
You have to talk. Even if you’re both introverts! I’m convinced that the majority of marriages fail because the two people just run out of things to talk about, and then they find one another’s company boring, and who can stand to live like that? And then they turn to others to talk with, and pretty soon they have hardly anything in common.
#33
You'll hardly ever get alone time ever again, except in the car.
arthbach 2 weeks ago
This is simply not true. Some people need far more alone time than others. It is so important to convey this information to your partner, and to work together to ensure both sets of needs are being met. It could be as simple as one person having a solo walk along the beach each evening for 30 minutes. It might be one is out at the gym, yoga, choir, book club... a couple of times a week. - - - You most definitely can get alone time when you are in a relationship.
#35
There are ways you feel and moments you experience at 10 years and 20 years in that simply aren’t available to you earlier on in life. Yes having a crush and new love is wonderful, but there are long slow silent moments you will never know about if you don’t stick around for the long haul.
Don’t stay in a bad marriage, keep communication as open as possible, out in the work… but know that life continues to surprise you in good ways even later on.
#36
Do not stop pursuing your spouse after the wedding. There's always somebody else who will pursue them once you take your spouse for granted.
#38
If you're going into marriage hoping that someone will 'complete you,' you will eventually be disappointed since this is not their job.
#39
If people didn't have kids the divorce rate would be higher.
BoredPangolin 2 weeks ago
Really? I feel that kids can ruin the harmony of a very healthy couple, though. Especially when the children came with disabilities.
#40
Literally as soon as you get married, women may come out of the woodwork flirting with you.
I'm assuming it's because you have become less threatening perhaps or maybe you're just safer to flirt with since you've dedicated yourself to one person.
To be clear I don't believe all of those women want to break up your marriage. Quite the opposite!
But for the guys out there it is something that should be prepared for.
#41
That most marriages, even good ones, can benefit from speaking with a marriage counselor. Every marriage needs a tune up from time to time.
#42
People grow up in different family cultures. Some families encourage people to be more individualistic while other families encourage a more community-first orientation.
If you grew up in a family where everyone pitched in and took care of one another and your spouse grew up in a family where everyone put themselves first, you will need to develop good boundaries or your marriage will become unbalanced.
If you go the extra mile to take care of them and they respond to your requests with "I don't want to do that," you might feel hurt and taken advantage of. Meanwhile, they feel fine about the situation. You need to learn how to signal when you really need their support on something and also to allow yourself to tell them when you don't want to do something.
ROSESARERED 2 weeks ago
Every person comes with their own culture, not just people getting married from different countries. When do you open Christmas presents, how do you celebrate birthdays, what events do you dress casual, semi formal, what fo you spend 'soare' money on...all your culture and traditions get a mini, or major makeover until you create your own
#43
I sort id disagree that marriages have to be "worked on"
If you are compatible. It shouldn't be hard work.
And I truly think that if you constantly need to be going to marriage counselling, you aren't compatible. Give up.
Sure you will have some hard times. But should not be regular . And you should be able to resolve 99% of problems yourselves.
BoredPangolin 2 weeks ago
Am I getting old or what? I immediately thought "This is the post of a younger person. When you get older, you understand."
#44
Harsh truth? it's a business contract. don't believe me? wait 'til you try to get out of one.
#45
I didn’t read all of the answers, but quite a few. An important part of our marriage (48 years) is and always has been, laughter. We have the same sense of humor. Laughter has gotten us through serious illness, 3 children, ailing parents (that we lived with and cared for), business failure, and on and on. The most important part of our marriage is our faith. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus, has been with us every step of the way!
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago
We're the same kind of weird. Always laughing at the same things. Always noticing the same things. If I see some cardboard tubes in a bin on a sidewalk in Paris, pick one up and start a sword fight, she'll be right there with me.
David Paterson 2 weeks ago
"Among those people I like, I can find no common denominator. Among those I love, I can. All of them can make me laugh".
Julius Zuke 2 weeks ago
48 years here as well. We've been through the same challenges as you. We made it with retail and teaching careers. Lots of humor, lots of being content, and yes, faith in Jesus----not the Jesus of "running the church, " but the Jesus of seeking out friends and neighbors in need and showing His love to them. We praise God for our marriage every day.
Auntriarch 2 weeks ago (edited)
At our wedding we had to put our thumbs on our signatures and swear that we had read the form and it was our signature. Unfortunately the wording we had to repeat was so close to the Monty Python sketch about dinosaurs (this is my theory, and what it is too) that we both nearly had hysterics and didn't dare look at each other. If that wasn't a good start, I don't know what is
#46
I think the harsh truth is most people marry the wrong person. I have been married 3 times. The first 2 were obviously the wrong people. But it’s only obvious now. At the time it seemed right but that’s because I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted in life. I am married to the right woman now. Being married is a lot of effort but feels effortless because it’s so worth it when it works.
#47
No marriage has a happy ending. Either there's a divorce, or someone passes first. This is obvious when you spell it out, but we go through life thinking there really can be a 'happily ever after'.
David Paterson 2 weeks ago (edited)
The people you love most always end up hurting you the most. If not when they're alive then when they die. But it's worth it.
#48
We got married young enough (22,20) that we really finished growing up while we were already married. It worked out for us (45 yrs), and it used to be far more common than it is now, but I can see how it could really have gone wrong.
Auntriarch 2 weeks ago
Luckily we didn't meet young, because I was intolerable and Mr Auntriarch had a few rough edges
#49
That no matter how much you love each other, there will be times when you absolutely hate each other. This is where faith and commitment come in.
#50
All the things that made you attracted to the other person is gone after 25 years.
But those things are replaced by other stuff that's more valuable.
#51
Most men will cheat. Not being negative, just truthful. I had no idea just how many men cheat until my husband did.
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago
Never have. Never will. I accept that too many men do, but our mother brought us up right.
#53
Sometimes you love the person more and more each day. Then, for many reasons, you need to stop loving and they're no longer your person anymore.
Explore more of these tags
What do you think ?
Hugo Raible 1 week ago
After reading all of these, I'm even more happy that I didn't make this mistake.
Dusty's mom 2 weeks ago
My extreme arthritis is bringing out the best in my husband. I just hope I can be enough for him as I lose mobility.
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago
A lot of assumptions in some of these. It isn't as simple, sometimes. Life can throw some serious curve balls, and some you can't deal with. You sometimes have to accept that, and get out, or live in misery.
Livingwithcfs 2 weeks ago
I was told that love is the worse reason to get married. That was so correct, you need a solid base of friendship, and respect for each other before you even think about love
Hugo Raible 1 week ago
After reading all of these, I'm even more happy that I didn't make this mistake.
Dusty's mom 2 weeks ago
My extreme arthritis is bringing out the best in my husband. I just hope I can be enough for him as I lose mobility.
Zig Zag Wanderer 2 weeks ago
A lot of assumptions in some of these. It isn't as simple, sometimes. Life can throw some serious curve balls, and some you can't deal with. You sometimes have to accept that, and get out, or live in misery.
Livingwithcfs 2 weeks ago
I was told that love is the worse reason to get married. That was so correct, you need a solid base of friendship, and respect for each other before you even think about love
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