The biggest losers in a divorce are often children. They might get to see one of their parents less and feel neglected if mom or dad starts another family. Things between the exes might get even more muddled when there’s child support involved. Especially if the parent who is receiving it uses it for something other than the child in question.
A few months back, a Redditor shared his story to get some opinions from fellow Internet users. Other mutual acquaintances thought he was a jerk for demanding the court reduce his child support from $1,200 to $600 because the ex was using it for her other kids. Thus, the dad decided to get some unbiased opinions from the r/AITA subreddit.
Taking care of the child should still be the priority for both parents, even after divorce
Image credits: Ben Mack / pexels (not the actual photo)
But this mother was neglecting her older daughter and using child support to care for her other kids
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Tatiana Syrikova / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Recent_Beginning_23
Technically, custodial parents can’t spend child support money for their own needs
Some people in the comments raised the question of whether a court would consider using child support money for anything other than taking care of the child fraud. And that might be true in some cases. A parent who spends child support money on themselves, or unnecessary items unrelated to the child, might face criminal charges.
Child support is the legal right of the child, not the parent, after all. And when a situation like the OP’s happens, the first step for the other parent would be to collect evidence. Things like asking the child or other people about the situation and checking social media would count as proof, according to HG.
“A lack of nutrition or healthy well-being is another way to analyze the situation to determine if the money is actually helping the young person from the dissolved relationship,” their website explains further. And this is one piece of proof the OP was able to deliver. According to his original post, the daughter would arrive from her mother “unbathed” and wearing “dirty clothes.”
Sometimes, the evidence that a parent is not using child support to care for the kid might be obvious. If the mother gets a new dress, for example, and it correlates with the date and sum of the monthly/weekly child support paycheck. That is evidence for the father that the mom might be misusing the money.
Image credits: Gustavo Fring / pexels (not the actual photo)
It might be difficult to distinguish between which expenses benefit the child and which don’t
The situation gets a bit murkier when there are other children involved. HG writes that the child support money benefits the child “even if the ex-spouse spends some on the other children, a new spouse, or his or her own situation.”
Courts will always put the interests of the child first. The money the parent spends on other kids might benefit the child indirectly in some cases. The other parent might have a case against the custodial parent only in cases where they don’t provide the child with “nourishment, care, and necessities.”
Colorado-based attorney Stephanie D. Rikeman writes that it’s simply too hard for the court to police where every dollar of child support goes. “The court won’t interfere in saying where each dollar goes because it’s not practical, and if a person spends a dollar of their own income on lunch for the child, then uses a dollar of the child support to pay a credit card bill, the money is benefitting the children in one way or another.”
Sometimes, it’s possible to monitor where the child support money goes. DeTorres and DeGeorge write that parents can choose to pay through a probation department. Keeping a record of the money when the father wires it directly to the mother makes it more difficult to track. A probation account makes the payments easier and allows for monitoring.
However, the OP already got full custody of the daughter, so the court obviously ruled in favor of the father. He decided to put his child first, and the court seems to have agreed that the girl was getting neglected when living with her mother.
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)
Most of the commenters agreed with the father and told him he did the right thing by going to court
However, some thought he was a jerk for not helping the mother of his child, who was clearly struggling
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Child support enforcement caseworker has a wild take on this. It's the mother's problem, she should ask for money from deadbeat travel-dad or his family, or her own family if she needs the financial support.
Or a true caseworker would help her find resources to help. Like wic programs or food stamps etc.
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Well, this is a no-brainer. OP is responsible for his own child, not for the twins because they are not his. Leave the problem where it belongs: if it's a twin-problem, the twin's parents are responsible, not OP. If there are financial issues involving the twins, the parents should find a way to deal with that and not piggy-back on OP. The fact that the twin's father is a dead-beat father is not OP's problem: it's the twin's mother's problem and she should try to solve it somehow.
I think if the OP was mad that all the kids were being taken care of with "his" money, then, yes, he would be an a*****e. Because a mom cant just feed and clothe one kid and not the others. But if his kid is not being taken care of, he has a responsibility to take on full custody. He doesnt even have the option of taking care of the twins, so what advantage was it to let his kid suffer with them?
From what I could tell, OP was mad because the majority of the money was being used on the other children, and his child was being neglected.
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The problem is the mother is using the money for the twins at the expense of the other daughter. ALL children need to be taken care, allowing one child to suffer while taking care of the others isn't ok. OP did what he needed to do to ensure his child was taken care of.Mom needs to look into getting more support from assistance programs. Now that she only had two children, this will be easier.
This guy’s priority must be his own child. She was being neglected so he acted. The custody can be revisited in the future once the twins are older and their mother is less overwhelmed. It is not his responsibility to pay child support for them. Anyone who says otherwise is free to pay the $1200 a month. I recommend that the mother contact the family of the twins’ father to ask for help and apply pressure.
Get the other guy to pay, his location doesn't change the law
If you think this person is the AH you're completely delusional! So it's OK that the mom neglects the 4 year old and uses the money on her twins? That's insane!
If he has full physical custody, why is she not paying him child maintenance? at 50/50 you should expect no child maintenance, and at 100% custody, with the odd weekend, there to be no child maintenance needed... I mean the father would buy the clothes, pay for everything anyway, the only thing the mother needs is to feed the child for a day/two?
The father is still actually paying her even though he has full custody, so that "case worker" can stfu and step in and help the mother instead.
Wtf. No. No. No. Child support is explicitly for the child you are responsible to support. Period. That case worker needs to be fired. It's the CW's job to ensure resources get used to care for those children, but putting the burden on a total stranger to those kids is ridiculous. It would be one thing if his own child had be properly cared for. If some of that money tangently went to the others, so be it. But she wasn't. And now that he has full custody he shouldn't be paying a single penny. She should be paying *him*. Petty would be forcing her to do so.
Those other kids are not your responsibility, and her threats of taking you to court for more backfired, good for you for taking your daughter, ex is obviously incapable of caring for her properly, she needs to go after dead beat dad of the pother kids.. Anyone saying you are the a*****e is exactly like that loser ex..
It's simple. Your child comes first. Her ex and their kids are her problem. And he has to be taken to court for payment. Not your problem. Tell her to get state aid and then ask your lawyer to make her give receipts for the $600 you are paying for your support.
Child support isn't actually determined by the costs of raising the child. It's based on your income. If you're a billionaire paying child support they don't just make you pay $600/month because that's all it costs to feed/clothe a kid. They make you pay a percentage of your income. That's just how it works.
And now he has full physical custody, so why is he still paying maintenance, this US has a messed up system for child maintenance
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I'm stunned that the 'caseworker' - doubtful - thinks he should support the full household! Turn up on Australian backpacker dudes parents doorstep and tell them what he's done!
I'm not one to judge, but why hasn't the mom signed up for medical assistance for the kids? If the one twins' issues are bad enough that it's depleting all her funds, why not apply for medical through the state? And also, if Dad has full custody, which makes him the primary caregiver, why in the f*ck is he paying $600 a month? Why is he paying ANYTHING at all?! If a guy winds up having a child with someone who has more than one "baby daddy," it is asinine to demand, expect, or even hint that he has to make sure that ALL children, not just his, are taken care of. If a man wanted that responsibility, there's a thing called ADOPTION. It is not up to him to financially or even emotionally support his ex, regardless of whether or not they have a kid. His obligations is to his child.
My guess she is avoiding legally and publicly having the twins father labeled as a deadbeat dad. It is incredibly stupid and short-sighted. The courts could work for her while she gets the aid she and the new children need instead of making her oldest daughter suffer and placing blame on the one adult who is absolutely blameless.
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I don't think OP is at fault for changing the situation to more benefit HIS only child in the situation, but I also don't think the mother is at fault for doing the best she can with what she has for ALL the children in her care. The real a*****e is the twins father who isn't paying child support for HIS kids. The mother should be pursuing compensation from him or his parents, her twins GRANDPARENTS, to cough up money to care for them.
Why are you still paying her support if you have full custody? Why isn't she paying you support?
People saying YTA are just unhinged. Where's traveler guy? Isn't he supposed to take care of his own kids? But no. This poor dude is TA for not funding the expensive medications of someone else's kids. As opposed to their father, the insuramce company, the government, or anyone who's involved.
His child was being neglected. That child is his responsibility, not the others. It sucks for everyone, but he did the right thing.
So jorge if it bothers you so much maybe you should step up and step in
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Child support enforcement caseworker has a wild take on this. It's the mother's problem, she should ask for money from deadbeat travel-dad or his family, or her own family if she needs the financial support.
Or a true caseworker would help her find resources to help. Like wic programs or food stamps etc.
Load More Replies... Well, this is a no-brainer. OP is responsible for his own child, not for the twins because they are not his. Leave the problem where it belongs: if it's a twin-problem, the twin's parents are responsible, not OP. If there are financial issues involving the twins, the parents should find a way to deal with that and not piggy-back on OP. The fact that the twin's father is a dead-beat father is not OP's problem: it's the twin's mother's problem and she should try to solve it somehow.
I think if the OP was mad that all the kids were being taken care of with "his" money, then, yes, he would be an a*****e. Because a mom cant just feed and clothe one kid and not the others. But if his kid is not being taken care of, he has a responsibility to take on full custody. He doesnt even have the option of taking care of the twins, so what advantage was it to let his kid suffer with them?
From what I could tell, OP was mad because the majority of the money was being used on the other children, and his child was being neglected.
Load More Replies... The problem is the mother is using the money for the twins at the expense of the other daughter. ALL children need to be taken care, allowing one child to suffer while taking care of the others isn't ok. OP did what he needed to do to ensure his child was taken care of.Mom needs to look into getting more support from assistance programs. Now that she only had two children, this will be easier.
This guy’s priority must be his own child. She was being neglected so he acted. The custody can be revisited in the future once the twins are older and their mother is less overwhelmed. It is not his responsibility to pay child support for them. Anyone who says otherwise is free to pay the $1200 a month. I recommend that the mother contact the family of the twins’ father to ask for help and apply pressure.
Get the other guy to pay, his location doesn't change the law
If you think this person is the AH you're completely delusional! So it's OK that the mom neglects the 4 year old and uses the money on her twins? That's insane!
If he has full physical custody, why is she not paying him child maintenance? at 50/50 you should expect no child maintenance, and at 100% custody, with the odd weekend, there to be no child maintenance needed... I mean the father would buy the clothes, pay for everything anyway, the only thing the mother needs is to feed the child for a day/two?
The father is still actually paying her even though he has full custody, so that "case worker" can stfu and step in and help the mother instead.
Wtf. No. No. No. Child support is explicitly for the child you are responsible to support. Period. That case worker needs to be fired. It's the CW's job to ensure resources get used to care for those children, but putting the burden on a total stranger to those kids is ridiculous. It would be one thing if his own child had be properly cared for. If some of that money tangently went to the others, so be it. But she wasn't. And now that he has full custody he shouldn't be paying a single penny. She should be paying *him*. Petty would be forcing her to do so.
Those other kids are not your responsibility, and her threats of taking you to court for more backfired, good for you for taking your daughter, ex is obviously incapable of caring for her properly, she needs to go after dead beat dad of the pother kids.. Anyone saying you are the a*****e is exactly like that loser ex..
It's simple. Your child comes first. Her ex and their kids are her problem. And he has to be taken to court for payment. Not your problem. Tell her to get state aid and then ask your lawyer to make her give receipts for the $600 you are paying for your support.
Child support isn't actually determined by the costs of raising the child. It's based on your income. If you're a billionaire paying child support they don't just make you pay $600/month because that's all it costs to feed/clothe a kid. They make you pay a percentage of your income. That's just how it works.
And now he has full physical custody, so why is he still paying maintenance, this US has a messed up system for child maintenance
Load More Replies... I'm stunned that the 'caseworker' - doubtful - thinks he should support the full household! Turn up on Australian backpacker dudes parents doorstep and tell them what he's done!
I'm not one to judge, but why hasn't the mom signed up for medical assistance for the kids? If the one twins' issues are bad enough that it's depleting all her funds, why not apply for medical through the state? And also, if Dad has full custody, which makes him the primary caregiver, why in the f*ck is he paying $600 a month? Why is he paying ANYTHING at all?! If a guy winds up having a child with someone who has more than one "baby daddy," it is asinine to demand, expect, or even hint that he has to make sure that ALL children, not just his, are taken care of. If a man wanted that responsibility, there's a thing called ADOPTION. It is not up to him to financially or even emotionally support his ex, regardless of whether or not they have a kid. His obligations is to his child.
My guess she is avoiding legally and publicly having the twins father labeled as a deadbeat dad. It is incredibly stupid and short-sighted. The courts could work for her while she gets the aid she and the new children need instead of making her oldest daughter suffer and placing blame on the one adult who is absolutely blameless.
Load More Replies... I don't think OP is at fault for changing the situation to more benefit HIS only child in the situation, but I also don't think the mother is at fault for doing the best she can with what she has for ALL the children in her care. The real a*****e is the twins father who isn't paying child support for HIS kids. The mother should be pursuing compensation from him or his parents, her twins GRANDPARENTS, to cough up money to care for them.
Why are you still paying her support if you have full custody? Why isn't she paying you support?
People saying YTA are just unhinged. Where's traveler guy? Isn't he supposed to take care of his own kids? But no. This poor dude is TA for not funding the expensive medications of someone else's kids. As opposed to their father, the insuramce company, the government, or anyone who's involved.
His child was being neglected. That child is his responsibility, not the others. It sucks for everyone, but he did the right thing.
So jorge if it bothers you so much maybe you should step up and step in
Load More Replies...
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