
Dad In A Bind Between His Kid’s Boundaries And New Family’s Special Needs Kid Who’s Being Difficult To His Child
Being a good parent is actually not that easy – probably one of the most difficult things that a person has to deal with throughout their life. Much more difficult than becoming, for example, a good businessperson or a skilled employee at literally any job. After all, in parenting, the so-called ‘soft skills’ and just flair are often way more important than ‘hard skills’.
Yes, you constantly have to maneuver between different options, make difficult choices, and not only learn yourself, but also teach a little person what is right and wrong in this world. And all this despite the fact that sometimes you yourself are far from being sure whether what you are doing is actually right.
A similar problem was once encountered by user Normal-Plastic-7514, whose post in the AITA Reddit community, published just a few days ago, managed to gain over 10.8K upvotes and almost 1.4K different comments. And in the situation described, the father had to make a difficult choice between his own son’s boundaries and his neighbors’ special needs kid who was being difficult to his child.
More info: Reddit
The author of the post has two sons, and they have a special Saturday walk ritual with the younger son
Image credits: Anete Lusina (not the actual image)
So, according to the author of the original post, he and his wife have two sons, twelve-year-old “James” and six-year-old “Sam”. In recent years, the Original Poster and his youngest son have developed a kind of ritual – every Saturday morning they walk around the neighborhood together, digging in the mud, looking for spiders, and end their walk in a local park, where parents from neighboring houses also gather to talk.
Image credits: u/Normal-Plastic-7514
Recently a new family moved in the next block over, a woman with two kids, and the author invited them to join other neighbors in the park on Saturday
Recently, as the OP says, a new family moved in on the next block over. The author of the post met the new neighbor on the street, and she said that she also has two sons, 13-year-old “Kyle” and 7-year-old “Aiden”. The OP, in his turn, told her about the meeting place for parents with children on Saturdays, and invited the woman to join them.
Image credits: u/Normal-Plastic-7514
As the OP recalls, when looking at Aiden, it was clear that he had special needs. Mom was friendly, sat down with the rest of the parents while the children played – and from time to time tried to calm the youngest son’s enthusiasm. No, Aiden was not aggressive, just excited, the original poster notes. “Loud noises, banging on things, getting up in the other kids’ faces,” the man reminisces.
Image credits: u/Normal-Plastic-7514
The younger boy had special needs and the author’s son sometimes felt uncomfortable playing with him as he was so loud and excited
The following Saturday, Aiden and his mom came again, but this time Sam told his dad quite loudly that he didn’t want to play with that boy and asked if they could go home. The OP and his son left, and the next day Aiden’s mom came to the OP’s door and told him that he should have talked to Sam about disabled people instead of just abandoning her son. The father promised that he would definitely do this.
Image credits: kegfire (not the actual image)
The next weekend, Sam and Aiden played together, but when the boy got loud again, Sam climbed onto the highest platform where Aiden could not reach, and did not respond to his calls to come down and play. Then the OP just invited the boy’s mom to come over. The man remembers that Aiden had one meltdown, but other than that, it went fine. However, when the guests left, Sam asked his dad if it was possible to make sure that they did not come again. James, in his turn, admitted that he did not really like Kyle either.
Image credits: u/Normal-Plastic-7514
After the boy broke the author’s son’s favorite toy, the author’s son yelled at him and the dad just took him away
The next weekend, when Aiden accidentally broke Sam’s favorite toy in the heat of a game, Sam broke down and yelled at him. As the original poster recalls, he didn’t say anything to his son this time – they just left the park. Moreover, now the father decided to make changes to their Saturday ritual and come to the park later, after Aiden and his mother had already left.
Image credits: u/Normal-Plastic-7514
The father and the son started avoiding that boy and so did some other parents later
The OP admits that other parents gradually followed him, and Aiden’s mom, realizing that it had all started with the author of the post, wrote him a long heartfelt letter, claiming that he did not do enough to ensure that Aiden was not ostracized by Sam, and that it was at the pull of the OP that the rest of the parents started avoiding them. In turn, the man admits that his children treat their neighbors with respect, but they just do not want to get their own boundaries violated.
Image credits: u/Normal-Plastic-7514
On the one hand, the dad did everything to protect his kids, on the other – he tried to teach them respect towards others, an expert thinks
“Of course, this is a very difficult situation. On the one hand, you can understand a father who puts his children at the forefront. On the other hand, children should, of course, understand and respect people with special needs as much as possible,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist whom Bored Panda asked for a comment on this story. “However, friendship cannot be forced on both sides. Apparently, the mother of these boys is trying to socialize her sons, but in this form it can cause inconvenience to both themselves and other kids.”
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual image)
“The author of the post honestly admits that he is trying to teach his children to be tolerant to special needs kids’ behavior, although, of course, in the case of the youngest son, this is quite difficult as he’s still too young. In any case, the father behaves quite decently, trying to teach them respect, but without violating their own boundaries. I hope, however, that both of these families will be fine in the future,” says Irina Matveeva.
Most people in the comments massively support the author as well, claiming that he behaved as a decent father should
Many people in the comments also agree with the expert, writing that the original poster has behaved like a decent father in the current situation. “You’re doing the right thing in prioritizing your child and their enjoyment of that time you share together,” one of the commenters wrote. And also, according to people in the comments, the OP’s sons didn’t exactly do anything disrespectful.
By the way, one of the commenters shared that they are autistic and also faced problems in their childhood when their mother tried to literally “socialize them by force”. The person admits that their mother sometimes simply imposed their friendship on other children – but this brought nothing but mental discomfort to them, as well to the kids around. “You did what was best for your kids, they expressed their boundaries and you listened and catered to them,” people in the comments are praising the original poster.
Unfortunately, not all people today know how to properly build relationships with people who have special needs, and sometimes they don’t even quite get what this means at all. Suffice it to cite this post of ours about a woman who kept heavily criticizing her brother-in-law for not taking his autistic daughter to a theme park, as an example. In the meantime, we are looking forward to your own comments to this particular story.
This one is heartbreaking. And truly AITA in the spirit of the question (unlike most of these where it's clear someone is fishing for validation). While the answer is mostly clear (NTA for the record), it's also clear why it was asked and I truly hope OP and Aiden's mum are able to build a more communal relationship, without putting pressure on, let's not forget, *young* children.
I agree. I did wonder if the amount of time aiden is at the park with the other children could be limited. Since his mom seems to be willing to set limits and support her son. But maybe half an hour with the other kids would support Aiden and teach the kids inclusion and empathy without overwhelming them? Just a thought around compromise.
As a father of a special needs kid, I think this is a great idea. My daughter does great with small groups of other kids in one hour increments. Beyond that, she gets overwhelmed and can act out. She's gotten much more tolerant as she's gotten older, but it's still an issue. I live in a city though, so we also have a community of kids with similar issues all around the same age. It helps for her to talk to kids and even grownups who have "the same brain".
This is a great idea, it might easier for Aiden to regulate for only short play times as well.
I thought perhaps they could continue the group play with Aiden on a fortnightly basis- not only to encourage inclusion but seeing the kids playing together without getting over excited could be set the example for Aiden to realise he doesn't need to do it either. It would be so heartbreaking, as a mother, knowing no one wants to play with your kid- and she sounds like she is actually addressing the problems Aiden has, it would be an easy decision if she used the nd as an excuse for the behaviour. I also thought the older son has been neglected since Aiden was born (not intentionally). Their whole lives now revolved around this baby, as they got older he was probably overwhelmed and embarrassed by his brother's meltdowns & over excitement, choosing to shut himself away from it as much as possible.
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How is he not NTA.... No violence happened, no arguing except his own son and intolerance of what he should understand.
Ripping apart someone's favorite toy is emotional violence. I get that it's only stuff, and it possibly wasn't done to be hurtful, but it's still not an okay thing to let happen without resolution. We have a chewy puppy and a child who needs extra support with social/emotional situations (and a second who needs a typical amount of social/emotional support) so this isn't hypothetical to me, this is my real experience. Stuff happens, but you have to make it right, and not just expect one side to be infinitely forgiving, or keep tolerating hurt.
Also having someone in your face, in your personal space, can be intimidating & feeling unsafe- imagine how scary it would be for a 6y/o. Gett 6yo feels uncomfortable walking past their house, so it sounds like it scared him- forcing the 6yo to play so the nd kid doesn't feel hurt is invalidating the 6yo's feelings and the fear he feels each time he is made to play with this kid will cause severe emotional trauma.....as long as the nd kid doesn't get upset, hey
A 6 year old should understand another kid breaking his toys ?? The 1st time was an accident. The 2nd time the child deliberately broke the limbs off the 6yr old favourite toy. So no. Also no mention of the mother of that child offering to REPLACE those toys, supposing they WERE replaceable.
My daughter has special needs and is incredibly difficult sometimes but I keep watch and remove her from the situation if needed and make sure she isn't pushing other children's boundaries. I do expect other people to be abit more tolerant but I don't expect to let my daughter walk all over them because she has different needs.
Seriously that is a good job from you and considerate to both sides. On op however i feel the op was pushing his son a little too hard. After 3 no's and not even wanting to walk by the house. Now that is showing a crisis. He was tolerant as he could be and tried to play and interact but it bothers him too much. Thier is no amount of explaining that can change his mind.
God, poor kid retreated to the platform like a scared cat.
You're exactly right and you're also a breath of fresh air being so incredibly aware of how your daughter's behaviors during group play affect other children and also the affect that other children can have on your daughter's behavior. It's a challenge for children without disabilities to play and not experience behavior issues and even more so to have parents who are actively involved during their children's interactions with others at times. It's fantastic that you're trying to make sure that the environment that your daughter is socializing in is a positive mutually beneficial experience for everyone. Thanks for all that you're doing.
Thank you for saying that, you made my day!
I also have a kid who needs extra help in some situations, especially emotional ones, but the idea that we just skip all those teachable moments by letting him hurt other kids (physically or emotionally) without talking through it and trying to engage and remediate is very much not okay for me. To then blame other kids for not wanting to be hurt or their parents for being protective of their children's needs is a little baffling to me. Kids deserve second chances of course but they also deserve to gave their feelings respected. That said, kids will also have to face difficult situations and this dad isn't doing his kids favors by practicing avoidance instead of trying to help them work through guided resolution, though I feel like there were some attempts to resolve things. He's also kind of avoiding Aiden's mom instead of resolving things: it's quite reasonable to be clear that you won't be putting your kids in harms way again, emotional or otherwise, especially without a solution.
Nope- I was in full agreement until you said Op was using avoidance tactics instead of dealing with issue. 6yo doesn't want to walk past their house- it's not avoidance. Aiden's behaviour has violated 6yo's personal space, he's feeling things that he's never felt before & unable to explain, he needs time to process it all, safely. Forcing him to play with Aiden to soon could cause emotional trauma. OP isn't avoiding Aiden's mum, he & his wife are processing and seeking advice & possible solutions so the family know they are welcome and accepted in the community but no child should have feelings invalidated over anothers, special needs or not.- this is in no way an easy subject to discuss
Very well said. It’s important that an opportunity for children to learn isn’t turned into something forced that teaches them the wrong lesson.
a very inspiring exchange. i can take a lot of inspiration for myself to think in a new way and to be mindful of the needs of all involved, even though this is a really hard task. it is very nice to see how these parents listen to the needs of their sons and protect them. and how there is still empathy for the new neighbour and her kids. I would like to read a follow-up. and yes: NTA
This one is heartbreaking. And truly AITA in the spirit of the question (unlike most of these where it's clear someone is fishing for validation). While the answer is mostly clear (NTA for the record), it's also clear why it was asked and I truly hope OP and Aiden's mum are able to build a more communal relationship, without putting pressure on, let's not forget, *young* children.
I agree. I did wonder if the amount of time aiden is at the park with the other children could be limited. Since his mom seems to be willing to set limits and support her son. But maybe half an hour with the other kids would support Aiden and teach the kids inclusion and empathy without overwhelming them? Just a thought around compromise.
As a father of a special needs kid, I think this is a great idea. My daughter does great with small groups of other kids in one hour increments. Beyond that, she gets overwhelmed and can act out. She's gotten much more tolerant as she's gotten older, but it's still an issue. I live in a city though, so we also have a community of kids with similar issues all around the same age. It helps for her to talk to kids and even grownups who have "the same brain".
This is a great idea, it might easier for Aiden to regulate for only short play times as well.
I thought perhaps they could continue the group play with Aiden on a fortnightly basis- not only to encourage inclusion but seeing the kids playing together without getting over excited could be set the example for Aiden to realise he doesn't need to do it either. It would be so heartbreaking, as a mother, knowing no one wants to play with your kid- and she sounds like she is actually addressing the problems Aiden has, it would be an easy decision if she used the nd as an excuse for the behaviour. I also thought the older son has been neglected since Aiden was born (not intentionally). Their whole lives now revolved around this baby, as they got older he was probably overwhelmed and embarrassed by his brother's meltdowns & over excitement, choosing to shut himself away from it as much as possible.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
How is he not NTA.... No violence happened, no arguing except his own son and intolerance of what he should understand.
Ripping apart someone's favorite toy is emotional violence. I get that it's only stuff, and it possibly wasn't done to be hurtful, but it's still not an okay thing to let happen without resolution. We have a chewy puppy and a child who needs extra support with social/emotional situations (and a second who needs a typical amount of social/emotional support) so this isn't hypothetical to me, this is my real experience. Stuff happens, but you have to make it right, and not just expect one side to be infinitely forgiving, or keep tolerating hurt.
Also having someone in your face, in your personal space, can be intimidating & feeling unsafe- imagine how scary it would be for a 6y/o. Gett 6yo feels uncomfortable walking past their house, so it sounds like it scared him- forcing the 6yo to play so the nd kid doesn't feel hurt is invalidating the 6yo's feelings and the fear he feels each time he is made to play with this kid will cause severe emotional trauma.....as long as the nd kid doesn't get upset, hey
A 6 year old should understand another kid breaking his toys ?? The 1st time was an accident. The 2nd time the child deliberately broke the limbs off the 6yr old favourite toy. So no. Also no mention of the mother of that child offering to REPLACE those toys, supposing they WERE replaceable.
My daughter has special needs and is incredibly difficult sometimes but I keep watch and remove her from the situation if needed and make sure she isn't pushing other children's boundaries. I do expect other people to be abit more tolerant but I don't expect to let my daughter walk all over them because she has different needs.
Seriously that is a good job from you and considerate to both sides. On op however i feel the op was pushing his son a little too hard. After 3 no's and not even wanting to walk by the house. Now that is showing a crisis. He was tolerant as he could be and tried to play and interact but it bothers him too much. Thier is no amount of explaining that can change his mind.
God, poor kid retreated to the platform like a scared cat.
You're exactly right and you're also a breath of fresh air being so incredibly aware of how your daughter's behaviors during group play affect other children and also the affect that other children can have on your daughter's behavior. It's a challenge for children without disabilities to play and not experience behavior issues and even more so to have parents who are actively involved during their children's interactions with others at times. It's fantastic that you're trying to make sure that the environment that your daughter is socializing in is a positive mutually beneficial experience for everyone. Thanks for all that you're doing.
Thank you for saying that, you made my day!
I also have a kid who needs extra help in some situations, especially emotional ones, but the idea that we just skip all those teachable moments by letting him hurt other kids (physically or emotionally) without talking through it and trying to engage and remediate is very much not okay for me. To then blame other kids for not wanting to be hurt or their parents for being protective of their children's needs is a little baffling to me. Kids deserve second chances of course but they also deserve to gave their feelings respected. That said, kids will also have to face difficult situations and this dad isn't doing his kids favors by practicing avoidance instead of trying to help them work through guided resolution, though I feel like there were some attempts to resolve things. He's also kind of avoiding Aiden's mom instead of resolving things: it's quite reasonable to be clear that you won't be putting your kids in harms way again, emotional or otherwise, especially without a solution.
Nope- I was in full agreement until you said Op was using avoidance tactics instead of dealing with issue. 6yo doesn't want to walk past their house- it's not avoidance. Aiden's behaviour has violated 6yo's personal space, he's feeling things that he's never felt before & unable to explain, he needs time to process it all, safely. Forcing him to play with Aiden to soon could cause emotional trauma. OP isn't avoiding Aiden's mum, he & his wife are processing and seeking advice & possible solutions so the family know they are welcome and accepted in the community but no child should have feelings invalidated over anothers, special needs or not.- this is in no way an easy subject to discuss
Very well said. It’s important that an opportunity for children to learn isn’t turned into something forced that teaches them the wrong lesson.
a very inspiring exchange. i can take a lot of inspiration for myself to think in a new way and to be mindful of the needs of all involved, even though this is a really hard task. it is very nice to see how these parents listen to the needs of their sons and protect them. and how there is still empathy for the new neighbour and her kids. I would like to read a follow-up. and yes: NTA