“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic
Why is it that the people we love the most are also the people who seem to cause us the most pain? In healthy relationships, our romantic partners, best friends and family members can make us feel safer and warmer than anyone else on Earth. But unfortunately, our loved ones are also capable of exhibiting toxic behaviors that can be detrimental to our wellbeing.
Reddit users have recently been calling out common actions and traits that many people don’t realize can be abusive, so we’ve gathered some of their thoughts below. We hope you can’t relate to experiencing these behaviors, pandas, but if you can, know that you’re not alone. And be sure to upvote the replies that you think everyone needs to hear.
This post may include affiliate links.
Reactive abuse. Basically, abusers will poke and prod their victim so much until their victim has an explosive reaction. The abuser will then use this reaction as justification for their abuse or to further manipulate and gaslight the victim.
Yelling. Years of walking on eggshells will damage a person's nervous system.
ooooh this makes so much sense, my ex had the shortest fuse, ANY issue and he would scream the house down.
When you ask them to not joke about X, and they say something like, “Well, I guess I won’t speak at all anymore.”
They’re making it so difficult to set a boundary that you’ll want to give up.
Neglect - neglect IS abuse
Telling a child how they should feel.
“You should be grateful.”
“You should be happy.”
“You should be sorry.”
It shows the child just how little the parent actually cares about their feelings. The child is just a doll to them that they think they can control.
I remember my cat’s leg and tail was broken and my dad told me “You should be happy because I didn’t shoot her.” I will never forgive him for that
Invalidating your feelings by making it about them and how you holding them accountable is upsetting them.
I love my mother but every time I tried to talk about my upbringing and how some aspects of it negatively affected me as an adult , she’d say “that never happened/you ate making it up/I remember it differently/ you have no idea how hard was for ME/ it’s because my mother never wanted me “
Mothers who treat their sons like surrogate boyfriends/husbands. If their sons DARE to have a girlfriend or get married, these women act like they're being cheated on.
Took me until the age of 35 to realize this was my mom. It was so freeing afterwards. I was able to finally be who I wanted to be. Happy I'm in such a good place now, but pissed about how many years I felt like an ex-husband to my mom. No contact now....obviously.
trying to "test" people's food allergies because they don't believe them or trying to sneak a food someone doesn't like into a dish to prove them wrong.
Weaponized incompetence
You ask your husband to pick up the kid from daycare. Your husband says he doesn't know how to because he's never done it before and it would just be easier if you did it....the "incompetence" conveniently excuses him from doing the work that you do all the time. Either via the suggestion of someone else doing the task OR sometimes the old acceptance of the task but requiring present, constant hand holding all the while emphasizing how difficult it is and making the process so painful that it's never asked of them again.
Not teaching your kids basic life skills to keep them dependent
So most parents today who keep their kids locked up at home and never allow them to go anywhere alone.
Messing with someone’s sleep.
Parentification. I recently learned in therapy that it wasn’t normal that I was cooking & changing my siblings diapers when I was 8.
This is tricky because doing chores isn't parentification. My job as a parent is not to babysit my child and do everything for them, while they go play with toys and "be a kid". Rather, it's to teach my child how to be a fully functioning human being so he's not drop-kicked out into the world at 18 not knowing basic life skills like laundry, cooking, mending, cleaning, shopping for necessities, voting, and giving at least a hint of a thought about tending to another living creature's needs. I was cooking and doing laundry and changing my sibling's diapers when I was eight. The difference was that I was not the primary doer of those things, so no one absolutely depended on my doing them (well... I was dependent on doing my own laundry). Parentification isn't in the chores you're tasked with; it's in the level of responsibility instilled in those chores.
Using personal things someone has told you against them when you are angry. My husband does this and tries to pretend he’s being “constructive”, rather than just cruel. And I’m working on getting my s**t together to get the f**k out because I’m tired of being painted as the bad guy when I get upset.
Keeping you isolated. My ex tried convincing me that my parents and friends didn’t love me.
Breaking things while angry with their partner/kid (punching a hole in the wall for example)
They may not be hitting you, but they want to.
My father was always so proud that he never laid a hand on us (that should be the bare minimum), but he went into rages and caused property damage that scared the hell out of us
Taking away someones personal belongings, or selling them without permission. My mom would go through my room and trash or sell everything while I was at school. She's sold or thrown away my deceased dad's stuff, toys, clothes, pets, etc... and act like I shouldn't be upset. My sister does this as well.
Same here, and yes, also pets - later said we never had them
Load More Replies...
I never thought of this, but I have 2 kids under 10. I regularly go through their clothes and get rid of the ones that don't fit. I never really talked about it before with them cause the clothes don't fit and I need the space for the clothes that do. I'll have to ask if this upsets them now
Good f*****g job. You took a step back, looked at it, and decided to ask them, most people I know don't have that maturity in them
Load More Replies... 
Either that’s crazy town, or the epitome of cruel. Or both.
Load More Replies... Yup. I have nothing left from my childhood because my mom threw everything out or gave it away because "you're too old for that". Some of that stuff would be worth a lot of money now.
Hubs mother would constantly throw out things like clothes he'd purchased with his own money, sentimental items he had carefully saved and put away, and collectors items. Because it was "garbage" to her. But her house is a nightmare hoarders space.
Mom again. Hid stuff I got "too attached to". Told me she threw it away or burned it. Turns out she just hid it in the attic but man the heartbreak I went through... Especially because she said "it was my fault "
My M & D did this. They moved house, throwing away my childhood in the process and the first I knew of it was a change of address.
Whoa, pets?! It's bad enough they did that with all that other stuff, but pets?! If I were OP, I would do everything in my power to make her mom's and sister's life a living hell from then onward. Ruining their most treasured possessions would be a good start.
I would have burned their entire house down, I'm not joking. I get very attached to things.
+ without their knowing and lie about it. This is the worst ever, if you find out that your parent/sibling took away something that you are searching for ages and don't find them, and you find them hidden from you (in the better case).
when my Nanna died I wanted only two things - her gold signet ring and a china cabinet, my sister had dibs on just about everything else of any worth. never received the ring, my sister took great delight in telling me it was left on her during her cremation. My mother refused to let me have the china cabinet, I have no doubt she sold it as she had her own.
My mom's mom did this to her throughout her whole childhood and she is still scarred by it, at 63 years old, and ny grandmother died years ago. Every time they moved, she just made them leave almost everything behind.
My mother-in-law did this, and many other cruel things. Time has led us all to believe that she was schizo and bi-polar(undiagnosed), and just plain mean. Had six kids, all of which hated her. Funny story: at Xmas once after the mom passed, the daughters were swapping horror stories about her. I remarked that none of them ever had any nice or fun stories to tell about their mom, and one sister snapped "there's a reason for that!"
An acquaintance threw away things his wife ‘didn’t need’ according to him. Of course his goods were treasures. He really wanted to be close friends, thought our wives got along and could talk about nothing while we did ‘important man things’. The last straw was when he suggested swapping wives! I flat out said no and for several reasons like I wasn’t interested and I knew my wife would be repulsed at the idea. I didn’t tell him I already knew what my wife would say about it. His take? ‘Do what I do, tell her you want this, she’ll do it’. Bold? Outrageous was more like it! I second was I found his presence to be so negative I had to get him out of my life. Soon after my beloved mentioned why I don’t have him over anymore, I already was aware of her not caring for him. I went into detail.
absolutely this, my parents would do this as a punishment, remove everything from my room and sell/throw away things regardless of if it was something they provided or something I bought with my own money. and over the smallest stuff too, they did this once because I locked my door due to needing some privacy but I wasn't allowed to lock my door
absolutely, my parents would do this, as a punishment they would take everything out of my room or sell/throw away stuff. regardless of if it was something they had provided or something I bought with my own money. and over literally anything, they did this once because I locked my door to have a little privacy but I wasn't allowed to lock my door
Sibling rivalry that goes unchecked by parents.
Man, I can't believe how common/ignored sibling abuse is. Neglectful parents plus unruly children is a recipe for disaster.
As the youngest of five I was routinely abused. I made sure it didn’t happen with my kids.
Not letting people express negative emotions because it's 'negativity.'
You can't have light without dark. Why are the positive people seen as better?
Toxic spirituality. I think a lot of mental health problems hide behind spirituality.
Like, maybe that person isn't your soul mate/twin flame, you just need to deal with some Internal issues buddy.
Constantly reminding someone of their shortcomings/ past mistakes
It doesn't have to be violence, it's the implication that something bad will happen if you don't comply. Agreeing to pay for your kids college and pulling the rug out from under them over something petty like a political disagreement is abuse.
I left home to go to college. I was going to work and save up a decent amount of money and wait a year but I was told to not worry about it. I went and within a few months we had a disagreement and they stopped helping at all. I'm halfway through a semester at that point and don't have a job or rent. The landlord was cool and gave me time to catch up.
I racked up a ton of credit card debt during this time. My parents were not hurting for money. I never would have done it if my dad didn't tell me not to worry about it.
This was my entire life. There was always an explicit threat of "or else"; it was *unimaginably* stressful, and I 100% blame the fact that I have an anxiety disorder on that.
Showing favoritism - family related. Not by directly saying "I prefer x over y" but by the little comments, actions/inactions. It can really mess with someone's self esteem, confidence, and overall thoughts of self and self worth.
My father didn't even pretend to hide his favoritism; he could, in the same breath, tell my sister he'd support her goals however he could, and then turn to me and tell me that my dreams were stupid and that I'd receive no help.
Continuing certain behavior after the person you are affecting has (repeatedly) asked you to stop.
*But-I’m-Not-Touching-You*-ism is a short route to abusive behavior.
Manipulation under the guise of caring for what happens to you
NiceGuys do this all the time. “I’m just concerned about your mental health. How are you doing?” Then proceed to harass you mercilessly
Harnessing therapy speak to absolve oneself of accountability
Or using your diagnosis (or more likely self diagnosis) as an excuse to be an AH.
Comparing one child to another,cousin or friends. Why can’t you be more like them. It’s so toxic.
Uploading your childrens videos to youtube for fame.
Im looking at you, Pinnay and Brazillian mothers.
Theres wayyyy too many videos of girls doing trendy pool stuff in YT that get scavenged by weird men.
My favorite type that I seem to gravitate toward.
Telling people their emotional response is invalid or they shouldn't feel a certain way.
By all the pantheons, I always find people that love pushing that into my brain, from parents to dating.
Your emotions are yours. You have them for a reason.
That doesn't give you the right to use them to hurt others, but you're allowed to feel.
I wish younger me understood that.
It's good to understand your emotions too and not just give into them either...if they are toxic especially. Not using them to manipulate others or as an excuse for not respecting others feelings too. Like, "you just have to accept and take my moods because it's who I am and I'm allowed to feel this way" and then not working towards ways to better yourself or your relationships.
Driving recklessly with you in the car
Driving recklessly, period. They think they're the only ones who will get hurt if they crash but no, there are other people in the other cars, you're not the main character of a racing video game.
Gatekeeping hygiene and not teaching your child about normal hygiene and personal care. I didn’t even realize it was a common thing with narcissistic parents until recently.
Note: this post originally had 39 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
Back in my youth, nobody told us that abuse could be anything but being hit or (later, when I was older) raped. So it took roughly 40 years to even "see the forest for all the trees". How can you fight a trauma you don't even know you have?
My mom always repeated the stupid line, "sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me," as though it would fend off non-physical abuse. And then she realized she had severe PTSD from living with an abuser who never laid a hand on her. She doesn't say that anymore. I honestly believe that line was create by bullies so they could gaslight their victims.
Load More Replies...
Genuine question, how are the majority of these "under the guise of caring"? It's a list of horrible manipulation
Because abusive parents/partners will do many of these things while claiming it's for your own good, because they love you, etc.
Load More Replies...
I put this on a earlier one but I have more to add and I meant to put it here Wait so what if my parents and I are in an argument. I start to cry or tear up but my mom starts to say she should be crying because of "insert what I did wrong" is this like this. She says I am faking it but I don't think I am since I have a hard time crying. Also she says I don't do anything but I say something that I help out with she says that " I'm saying the few times that I have done it" not verbatim but something along those lines. Is this not healthy???
no one has the right to tell you what to feel or judge whether your emotions are real or not. you have, had and will always have the right to be angry, cry, laugh or be happy and sing along. or just lie down and stare at the ceiling if you just feel like it. parents should know how to manage their emotions and teach their children, not the other way around. claiming that you have no reason to cry and that the real victim is your mom and you have to focus on her feelings is toxic and manipulative.
Load More Replies...
20 years being a "strong male", when in fact i was gaslit and manipulated into doing all the work and providing constant emotional support. Been single for 10 years because I can;t bear the idea of being with anyone again. So much possible joy missing from my life because I tried too hard to be a good husband, and didn;t realise I was being used. 20 years...
When you say your sorry or something and they say "sure you are," even when you've proven it. Or when a parent uses something you've said as a excuse. I personally have reay bad memory loss, and my mom uses it as a excuse, or tries to brush it off as something else. Oh, also, smoking round a kid 24/7.
Back in my youth, nobody told us that abuse could be anything but being hit or (later, when I was older) raped. So it took roughly 40 years to even "see the forest for all the trees". How can you fight a trauma you don't even know you have?
My mom always repeated the stupid line, "sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me," as though it would fend off non-physical abuse. And then she realized she had severe PTSD from living with an abuser who never laid a hand on her. She doesn't say that anymore. I honestly believe that line was create by bullies so they could gaslight their victims.
Load More Replies... Genuine question, how are the majority of these "under the guise of caring"? It's a list of horrible manipulation
Because abusive parents/partners will do many of these things while claiming it's for your own good, because they love you, etc.
Load More Replies... I put this on a earlier one but I have more to add and I meant to put it here Wait so what if my parents and I are in an argument. I start to cry or tear up but my mom starts to say she should be crying because of "insert what I did wrong" is this like this. She says I am faking it but I don't think I am since I have a hard time crying. Also she says I don't do anything but I say something that I help out with she says that " I'm saying the few times that I have done it" not verbatim but something along those lines. Is this not healthy???
no one has the right to tell you what to feel or judge whether your emotions are real or not. you have, had and will always have the right to be angry, cry, laugh or be happy and sing along. or just lie down and stare at the ceiling if you just feel like it. parents should know how to manage their emotions and teach their children, not the other way around. claiming that you have no reason to cry and that the real victim is your mom and you have to focus on her feelings is toxic and manipulative.
Load More Replies... 20 years being a "strong male", when in fact i was gaslit and manipulated into doing all the work and providing constant emotional support. Been single for 10 years because I can;t bear the idea of being with anyone again. So much possible joy missing from my life because I tried too hard to be a good husband, and didn;t realise I was being used. 20 years...
When you say your sorry or something and they say "sure you are," even when you've proven it. Or when a parent uses something you've said as a excuse. I personally have reay bad memory loss, and my mom uses it as a excuse, or tries to brush it off as something else. Oh, also, smoking round a kid 24/7.
