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Men Are Outing Toxic Guys By Sharing The Subtle Red Flags Women Should Be Cautious About
In today’s "love at first swipe" culture, dating has become an extremely complex dance. With sweaty palms and a pounding heart, you scroll endlessly through apps and go on countless dates in hopes of meeting someone who might become "the one."
But when you finally find a person who gets you, those early days of a relationship can pass in a fog of bliss. Which often clouds your judgment and makes you miss the painfully obvious flaws being waved and flapped under your nose.
It’s important to be open-minded when dating, but it’s equally crucial to see the worrying warning signs sooner than later to avoid getting into unfortunate situations. Especially when some red flags are redder than others, even if they're incredibly hard to spot.
So one Redditor reached out to the men of 'Ask Reddit' and posed a question: "What are some less obvious red flags about men you would want to caution women against?" The thread immediately became a hit, with hundreds of honest responses that give a glimpse into the instances where women should proceed with caution or cut things off if necessary. We’ve gathered some of the most illuminating responses to share with you, so continue scrolling. Be sure to upvote the ones you agree with, and share your own experiences in the comments.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
If you're in your late teens or early 20s, and you're being pursued by a man in his mid-late 30s, ask yourself what the women his age see in him that you don't. It will save you a lot of trouble
Agent 8433599 3 years ago
First off, I'm going to be questioning why a man IN HIS LATE THIRTY'S is pursuing a TEENAGER.
Stephanie Did It 3 years ago
Because it happens far more often than you can imagine.
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Brazen 3 years ago
I dated a 24 year old when I was 15. I thought it was amazing that an older guy wanted to date me. When I turned 24 I looked at younger people and thought "what the heck was he thinking?" Everyone in their teens just seemed so very young to me and I realized at that moment how wrong my first relationship was.
Anna Gibson 3 years ago
When I was 18 I started seeing a bloke 27 year old. I thought it was great that an older man wanted me. After mental,physical and sexual abuse,I finally told him enough after my first physiotherapy appointment. Things got even worse . He terrorised me for 12 months until I was moved by my local housing authority. Messed me up more then I can explain. I still have issues to this day. I am now 44. I now look back and realise it was not love. Just control. I look at 18 year old now and realise I was very easy to manipulate and control. Luckily it was only 7 years of my life
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Aboredpanda 3 years ago (edited)
I think the point being made here is that if an older man is intentionally looking for ONLY very young women, and you find out, that should put up some red flags, because at that age one is easier to manipulate. It happened to me, and a lot of women I know. To put it bluntly, you often don't have enough life-experience to tell when you're being manipulated at that age.
Jo L. 3 years ago
This. There's nothing wrong with an age gap in a relationship in and of itself. My husband and I met when I was 19 and he was 31 - and it was not intentional. I approached him before having any idea how old he was, and we decided to just run with it and see what happened. His ex wife initially thought I was manipulating him, though. 😆 "You know she only wants you for your house and car and stable job, right?" She apologized to me for that later when I brought it up jokingly, but I told her she had no reason to think otherwise and I was not at all offended.
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Whitney-Blair Beals 3 years ago
Lol...I don't think it's the fact that women his age aren't pursuing him...I think it's the fact that he's not pursuing them and going after younger women.
It's L 3 years ago (edited)
I dated a guy when I was in my 20s and he was in his 30s(early) . And I'd do it all over again.I didn't have to deal with petty issues that guys my age had, I was treated with respect and love. It might have ended, but I'd do it again. He was ready for marriage which I wasn't at the time, and he understood that. We still talk till this day. Age gaps are not the issue, it's the guys personality. If you look at the statistics, most women his age are single mothers and maybe he wanted to share that moment with someone. I was 20 and he was 33 at the time
the Return of Bruno 3 years ago
Or ask it this way: How could you be on his level emotionally? What could you have in common? What do you have that women his own age don't, and is a man who seeks that above everything women his own age have in common with him really the guy you want?
Alexia 3 years ago
I think I can answer that. As a 19 y.o. and later in my early 20s, I was pursued by men in their late 30s and 40s. They were all married men with children. They all wanted free sex in their spare time. It was also an ego booster for them -" look at me, I'm dating a young, fresh, beautiful girl, I'm so cool"
Erica Ventura 3 years ago
I dated a man who was 33 when I was barely 18. He was gainfully employed and successful, handsome and a nice apt in the city. We had some fun but it didn't last long and now I know it was a messed up situation. (and he wasn't even very good, you know, ahem, in a particular arena)
Linda Duncan 3 years ago
When I was 18 I met a 27 year old man. Ended up being with him for 6 years and he destroyed every shred of confidence and joy I had. Luckily time is a great healer.
Manel Ibáñez 3 years ago
That's wrong. If 2 adult people decide to have a relationship, then there's nobody else's business. The fact that there is an age difference between people does not turn a relationship into toxic as long as they love and respect each other. And, in addition to that, having one person in the relationship that is more mature can be very positive and helpful in lots of situations if, as I said, there's love and respect for each other. The idea that a difference in age is something bad per se, is no different from the idea that mixed race couples are bad, or that homosexual couples are not natural, etc... those ideas come from a place of non acceptance, fear, and assumption of bad behaviour. The fact that someone had a bad experience on a relationship that had an age difference, I can tell you, that was not the problem.
N Miller 3 years ago
You're right in that it's not AN age difference that's the problem. The problem arises when it's someone who is nominally emotionally matured pursuing someone who isn't there yet - a fifteen year gap matters when one of them is 30, because how old does that make the other one - hint, not 45.
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RELATED:
#2
You want a kind man, not a nice man/guy. Nice is transactional. Kindness is given freely.
BeepBeepBoopBoop 3 years ago
idk if this is what you're referencing, but I sorta hate to ask it, but do you have a basket?
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Mistiekim 3 years ago
Considering what the label of a “nice guy” has become, women certainly don’t want that.
Poeha 3 years ago
It's weird. It took me a while before I understood what they meant. In Holland you have nice guys versus f boys who just want to take advantage of you.
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Cory Kent 3 years ago
This is very wise. Good is the bare minimum we should expect from someone in our lives. Nice is more like a choice you make, based on your own inner value system. And kindness for all parts of life everywhere is the best character for a man, or anyone close to us in a personal relationship.
harpling 3 years ago
There's a line in Sondheim's 'Into the woods" when the witch tells the other characters, 'You're all so nice. You're not good; you're not bad. You're just nice!' Little Red Riding Hood echoes it later: 'Nice isn't always the same as good.'
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Dan Holden 3 years ago
This is all just semantics. I know you're referring to these creepy incel guys but if someone describes another person as "nice" they are saying the person is kind/agreeable. The deffinition doesn't change because some people who like to describe themselves that way don't really get what it means. Also: "Nice is transactional". Please find me a deffinition of nice in any dictionary that states this.
Yeah, okay. 3 years ago
It's not in the dictionary, but this is what whiners who pout about why girls don't like them, they're "a nice guy" really mean - they are nice when they think it will get them something. Kindness doesn't calculate that, like, at all.
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Jo Slatermill 3 years ago (edited)
Another bad "zen" advice that has no relation to real life. just becuz some ppl call themself nice but aren't. some ppl are nice, why the f@#$ wont you want someone nice, male of remale?
Dan Holden 3 years ago
Don't know why this is down voted so I gave you an up vote. These people seem to think that "nice" implies certain negative traits just because some creepy, maladjusted guys like to describe themselves that way.
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Oskar vanZandt 3 years ago
I don't think the problem lies with the word nice but with some men (who are anything but) who keep telling everyone "I'm a nice guy"... actions NOT words show the truth. If a douche-bag, self-proclaimed "nice guy" treats a woman badly in whatever way, he is NOT actually a nice guy.
BrownTabby 2 years ago
You are correct and as someone who works with semantics for a living I am profoundly frustrated by people who think they can tell good actors from manipulators by which word they use. Especially after having front row seats to the strengths and weaknesses of Jacinda “Be Kind” Ardern, who did genuinely want to be kind but sometimes went about it in ways that ended up hurting the poor, and then tried to hide behind her reputation as a kind person when she got called out for it.
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suzemagoo 3 years ago
There is nothing inherently "transactional" about being or claiming to be nice. That idea misuses the concept. The very same concept can be applied to generous, supportive, and even kind.
We have long heard how necessary it is to steer clear of people who exhibit harmful behaviors and questionable patterns in relationships, but exactly what common signs should we be looking out for? To gain more insight from an expert, we reached out to Anna Eden, a dating and intimacy coach aiming to help career-focused people who’ve "made it" in life to make it in love so they can feel 100% fulfilled.
According to Eden, the most critical and glaring red flag women should be cautious about is physical, emotional, or mental abuse. "Any man that brings you down rather than lifts you up is a red flag," she told Bored Panda.
"Pay close attention because mental abuse starts with seemingly small things like not approving of your clothes, questioning your friends, or different levels of gaslighting, which means making you question yourself and your truth so you think you’re the crazy or unreasonable one. Any signs of abuse in any form mean 'thank you, next.'"
#3
I’m coming in late but this is something I’ve tried to teach all my daughters. Men will show you how they feel with their actions. If they say they care, but don’t put in the effort, listen to the actions. Not the words. Good advice for dating but also good advice for life really
Rahul Pawa 3 years ago (edited)
I've heard this as "look at where their shoes are pointing". Or more simply, "watch their feet". What someone does is a lot more important than what they say.
Luna Crow 3 years ago
I've always heard it put as "actions speak louder than words." Still good advice for anyone, of any gender
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Tess 3 years ago
As long as you don't automatically assume that a devoted relationship is always healthy.
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pat martin 3 years ago
For me personally, I treat my daughters (12, identical twins) and any woman, young or old, as a lady should be treated. For my girls, it shows them how they deserve to be treated. And for others, it shows chivalry thrives without saying as much. Speak softly, but carry yourself proudly. If you are treated below your worth, they aren't worth your time.
RafCo (he/him) 3 years ago
I'd add to this by saying watch out for transactional behavior. If they are only showing you love when you're bending over backwards for them, it's transactional. If they expect something in return for their goodwill as well.
N Burnette 3 years ago
Reminds me of the song that says "Love is just a word I've heard when things are being said."
#4
So about his last 3 relationships and why they ended. If it is always the girl was crazy - it’s him, hes crazy
Lauren Caswell 3 years ago
Spot on. It's the 'always'. I call those ppl 'teflon' in my head, as all blame or fault slides off of them.
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Mitchell 3 years ago
Lived with a guy for 5 years before he cheated on me. His 3 previous exes were crazy - I met them, they were loopy. After 5 years, when I suspected the cheating but was told it was my imagination, I went crazy too. The woman after me saw my craziness. He made us nuts, he was a terrible man, and good women trusted and loved him, and we inadvertently allowed him to damage us. I’m not crazy and neither were they, but I have long term trust issues. I’m happier alone.
Tess 3 years ago
No one deserves to question their own sanity because of someone else's actions.
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Esme Love and Squalor 3 years ago
This. So often hear this from guys. Their ex girlfriends were all crazy. Maybe you make women crazy, bro.
the Return of Bruno 3 years ago
Weeellll.... you can keep attracting a certain type. I'd definitely ask, "what do you think it is that draws you to crazy women?" and "If you kept ending up wIth crazy women, how have you changed?"
Luna Crow 3 years ago
Respectfully disagree, some of us choose to avoid it entirely.
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Demongrrrrl 3 years ago
My ex said, "But all my previous girlfriends liked it." To which I replied, "So why aren't you with them?"
Another warning sign to look out for is "love bombing" — when men shower you with promises, flattery, and gifts at the early stage of dating. "This all feeds our Disney princess dream and we feel very special — it’s hypnotizing. But keep in mind this behavior usually comes from a manipulative place and is a learned rather than genuine behavior to win you over. If a man promises you the moon, be cautious," Eden said.
#5
When they don't respect the word no, even in the most benign of circumstances.
Glory Enujioke 3 years ago
I had someone who kept on pushing after I told him no. Broke up with him after 2 weeks of dating
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Sharkbait1313 3 years ago
Sadly I had to learn as I got older to be very firm and aggressive with the word no. When I was younger I was always trying to be nice about it because I was afraid of hurting someone's feelings.... but then I came to realize that they don't give a s**t about the fact that they are making me extremely uncomfortable so why should I give a rats a*s about their feelings.
Cathy Lawrence 3 years ago
I’ve never thought of it that way. Thank you for opening up my eyes!
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Cara G 3 years ago
No is a complete sentence. It's not an opening for negotiations. But many men see it that way. A random at the gas station told me to put my number in his phone a few weeks ago (yes TOLD me, didn't even ask). I said no. He asked why not. I told him because I said no. He continues hypothesizing made up reasons why I wouldn't want to give him my number. A reason is not needed and I don't have to offer a thesis on why I declined the offer. NO. The conversation ends there.
suzemagoo 3 years ago
One of the better agreements we made early on was when one wanted to go, we left. It is a form of no that needs to be as respected as any other.
Addy 3 years ago
Omg yes! I totally agree! It's horrible when you are more than ready to go and they just insist in closing down the place for what? To prove you can hang? Like we are in our 30s..I will definitely put this on my prenup lol my dad is notorious for insisting on staying. Jerk
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ViFi 3 years ago
I had a bf in middle school- MIDDLE SCHOOL- who would not take a no. this resulted in me having my 1st kiss before i wanted to, and he constantly invaded my space and tried to cut me off from my friends. i feel this one.
Cindy Floyd 3 years ago
Damnnnn, sociopath in middle school! Good thing you got that one out of the way early.
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violet Hart 3 years ago
Wish I could upvote this one so much more than once! So so important...
#6
If you hear a little voice inside you that says "I can change this man", he is not the man for you.
Soph the Loaf 3 years ago
The plots of countless romantic dramas I've seen take offense at this 😆
the Return of Bruno 3 years ago
If you need to change him, you don't really love him; you love some romantic ideal based on him.
BatPhace 3 years ago
Took me too long, including my present relationship, to figure out that nobody should have to change
Andy C 3 years ago
I get where you are coming from and in so many cases you are absolutely correct. However, I don’t agree that “nobody should have to change”. I think every one of us has learned to “do better” in relationships as we have grown from teenagers having teenage relationships to adults who have had to recognize their own faults and work to improve them. Should you sacrifice your passions? No. Should you change the way you argue, or recognize an unhealthy trait, or stop treating others in a way they find problematic? Probably yes. To say “you shouldn’t have to change” is a dangerous message to those who seriously mistreat their partners.
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Michael Largey 3 years ago
And if you can't accept him for who he is, then you're not the women for him. You don't respect him.
Jay TheSaltLord 3 years ago
Change him for a different one. No, wait, I meant exchange. Sacrifice him to the underworld in exchange for a puppy, kitten, bird or 200foot tall dragon.
Paul Mitchell 3 years ago
Yes, please don't try to change men. 'Women marry men thinking they will change and they don't; men marry women thinking they won't change, and they do.'
Moreover, if you notice any signals of controlling behavior such as "'don’t have too much fun *wink wink*' when you are about to go out with your girlfriends, or the very manipulative one 'text me when you get home' when you haven’t been with him," it might indicate you should stay far, far away.
Lastly, playing "lowkey" is also a questionable behavior that should give you serious pause because it can sometimes indicate a larger problem. "They seem to be operating under the radar and don’t take you out in public or introduce you to their friends. You don’t want to be a secret, and the question is why you are," the coach explained.
#7
A friend of mine dated a guy who apparently everyone wanted to fight.
At the gym. "This guy over here want to throw down."
At a mall. "Those guys look like they want to get hit."
At the grocery store. "This dude is looking at me like he wants to go outside."
No Steve. No one feels like fighting you. You are just on steroids.
Hippopotamuses 3 years ago
Definitely not a safe person to invite into your life.
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OmBoyGanesh 3 years ago
Lacking emotional regulation and impulse control are dangerous traits. Be it steroid-induced or not.
Tess 3 years ago
He may need psychiatric help to calm the voices in his head.
Load More Replies... Agent 8433599 3 years ago
Sounds like someone is an alpha male who everyone wants to challenge/s
Chich 3 years ago
I was on steroids for a week once in hospital and it was an awful experience. I can't understand why anyone would take them if the didn't have to.
kitten levels tokyo 3 years ago
I also was on steroids for a week. I had a really bad case of poison ivy. I didn’t develop paranoid voices in my head, but the poison ivy went away. 👍
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Mrs Irish Mom 3 years ago
Sounds scary. I wouldnt like to be the girlfriend trying to calm paranoid rocky down
Ata 3 years ago
I had a very controlling bf once when i was about 18. People couldn't look at me or touch us by mistake cause he will curse them out. He thought everyone had to respect him. He even thought i was messing with my boss(ew) or looking at his brother. Yrs passed and he tried to contact me to "supposedly apologize" and invite me out and i said NO THANKS, ENJOY YOUR LIFE! and also one day saw me in the streets and tried to get my attention and i said "Yes i know who you are and i want nothing to do with you". Girls be careful out there.
Stan Brooks 3 years ago
Or grew up in the South. When I lived in Charlotte, NC, I walked into my regular bar on a Friday night and a good friend who had started much earlier came stumbling out ot the bar, saw me, and decided he wanted to fight. Just a friendly fight, because is was Friday night. I just calmly looked at him and told him we could fight, but it would have to be to the death, as otherwise it was not worth my trouble. He never asked me for a friendly fight again. And I've almost never been in any sort of fight, and certainly never killed anyone, but it was a good tactic.
#8
Don’t trust a man who can joke about others but can’t take it.
Edit: I know that this can apply to women. The thing is, I shouldn’t need a disclaimer just to gain permission to critique men and some of you shouldn’t need to drag women down just to acknowledge a personality flaw.
SAF saf 3 years ago (edited)
Those that complain about how "sensitive" people are, almost always have the thinnest skin in the room.
Shane S 3 years ago
Yup. Calls everyone a snowflake but can’t accept being called out when they are wrong
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Jef Bateman 3 years ago
So if there's a guy who always makes up insulting names for other people, impersonates people who have disabilities, and tells mocking lies about other people, but gets all sore if anybody makes a joke about him, that's a problem? To some people, that looks like a good presidential candidate.
SaneMinotaur (she/her) 3 years ago
My ex (he was Caucasian, btw), had dark curly hair and pale skin. He grew his hair out, and his dad started joking that he looked like a terrorist, calling him 'Achmed' and whatnot. Now ngl, his dad was a douche anyway, but my ex started saying that his own family were being racist towards him... a white dude... Also, my ex was/ is racist af. The irony.
Vicky De Raedemaeker 3 years ago
The people that calling you a snowflake, or my favorite too naive.
Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
Just because I might cry sometimes doesn’t mean I don’t show up every day and do my best to be a good person.
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Tris Hunt 3 years ago
Honestly, this is my dad. He's an overt narcissist and has this stupid one way humor that isn't even funny. My mom had to deal with that for 25 years, until they divorced, then it went to me because of the very stupid visitation rules of the divorce before I was 15. Even after turning 15, the law said I had the right to say no. He may be a cop, but he isn't always right. Up until graduation, I said no to visitation, and some of it was because of how bad COVID was at the time. Including my mom and great grandma who are immunocompromised. I still have the emails of all the c**p he said trying to convince me otherwise.
Iam Knucks 3 years ago
I definitely agree. People who have a one-way sense of humor are so difficult to be around. Generally a sign of some deeper problems
the quickening 3 years ago
I learned my boyfriend of a few years (was my first, so excuse my naivety) wasn't actually laughing *with* me when I, or someone else, joked on my expense, which happened quite often. Comes with being a silly girl, right? But he was laughing *at* me, as I realized after I made a very innocent remark, a little dumb and a tiny bit mean —but I assure you, nothing worse than what he'd thrown my way countless times before—, and he flew off the handle. Got crazy mad. Like how I tried to "embarrass" him in front of his friends, that sorta thing. Couldn't understand it right away, but got away eventually and figured it out. Now am with a man who can, and is eager, even, to laugh at himself just as much as he laughs at my antics. Huge difference in quality of life, let me tell you. LAUGH. AT. YOURSELF. SOMETIMES. it's healthy.
#9
If he tries to make you feel crazy/invalidate your feelings for being uncomfortable about something or for having boundaries, run.
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 3 years ago
Yep. Huge red flag, and unfortunately the hardest to spot… because it’s happening. Vicious cycle.
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Silverstrand Beach 3 years ago
RUN! I can't stress this enough! Respect is different than agreement. It's ok to disagree, but to make you feel like your feelings are wrong or won't respect simple boundaries because he thinks they're stupid is not ok! You'll be feeling like a fraction of yourself and unhappy with the person you've become the longer you tolerate this behavior. I sure did. And I deeply regret not taking action sooner and allowing myself to make excuses for his behavior
AgedViolet 3 years ago
Run like you're on fire! You are being seriously gaslit. He'll pee on your back and tell you "it's just the garden hose; what's the big deal?" He is NEVER wrong, and he ALWAYS knows what's best for you (because you don't!) He'll make rude and degrading comments about your job, family, friends, weight, hair, clothing, makeup (or lack thereof), then get annoyed with you for being offended. (After all, it's all for your own good 🙄) I wasted five years of my life with such a loser. It cost me money, my college education, and almost my self-esteem. When he "left," I didn't soak my pillow. I repeat, RUN, DON'T WALK.
Alan Christensen 3 years ago (edited)
I might have walked up to this line several times. When she would say something scared her my reaction was to try to help her not be afraid. That might have come across as invalidating her feelings.
Lisa H 3 years ago
I don't know your situation, but it sounds like you were just trying to help ease her mind. Perhaps you did go about it the wrong way, but it sounds like your heart was in the right place. How are you doing now? Are you still with her?
Load More Replies... Rahul Pawa 3 years ago
Some of us grew up having our feelings constantly invalidated. So when a partner does it to us, it's hard to see how toxic that really is.
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lauralett50 3 years ago
That's why they are called boundaries for that reason. If they don't respect you boundaries, will they respect you?
Zander Porbanda 3 years ago
1. It wasn’t like that. 2. You are feeling incorrectly. 3. This is how you should be feeling.
Jane Cortez 3 years ago
Very horrible. Such a person is a chameleon ‘I was just joking,’ to hide cruel put downs ‘I didn’t say that,’ or, ‘you’re crazy.’ Etc. Etc. Shifting the blame, making up nonsense answers, explanations, never taking responsibility is a very, very bad sign. In the very least indicates a manipulator, the very worst a dishonest or narcissistic person.
However, picking up the red flags in your relationship, even the most painfully obvious ones, can be tricky if other things are going well. On top of that, it can be hard to pinpoint what is making us feel uncomfortable as "love is blind," and it makes us less rational, Eden said.
"We become this bubbly cocktail of happy love hormones feeling the butterflies, and tend to ignore the red flags because of the infatuation. That’s why we get to check in with ourselves and use our friends as a reality check — they are usually right and can point out our blind spots when we are not able to."
#10
As a father, things I've tried to teach my daughter to be aware of are subtle manipulations. In a healthy relationship there is no "let" as in, letting you do stuff or asking for permission. Watch for subtle controlling, passive aggressive comments or remarks. If he attempts to drive a wedge between you and your friends or family, move on. Watch and listen to how he treats other people. If you don't have self respect, he won't treat you with respect. If he doesn't call for days then acts like it's no big deal, move on. If he's clingy, definitely move on. Having a victim mentality attracts predatory, abusive behavior. If anyone treats you less than how you feel you deserve, it is imperative you deal with it early and quickly. If there's no meaningful communication or compromise, don't waste your time. Life is too short to deal with a possessive, jealous, controlling, manipulative, emotionally stunted or wrecked man. You can't fix people. Protect yourself and move on with your life without that person and don't look back. It's ok. Breakups are tough when you've invested your time and heart but you'll be better off alone than with someone like that. If he scares you, come to your dad's house. If he's smart, he won't follow you here.
WoodenLion 3 years ago (edited)
i would add this sentence to the end: if he does, you won't have to worry about him anymore.
Load More Replies... Ian Conelley 3 years ago
I can't stress how much everything, absolutely everything you said applies to women as well. It took countless hours of therapy for my (female) therapist to (figuratively) snatch me up and say "You do realize you were the victim in an abusive relationship, don't you?" "I was whaaa...oh...holy s**t."
ScrapieChick 3 years ago
I was about to say exactly the same thing, although I'm just starting my journey back to me. The worst thing is that they will be amazing to begin with, you get sucked in and these things start gradually growing until it is aggression and abuse with every other breath. I will never be able to understand what motivates people to become abusers? Is it a conscious decision
Load More Replies... Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
Parents also should model this kind of positive relationship. The kids learn so much more watching than any lecture. Your advice is very sound.
Aureliana 3 years ago
This needs to be at the top. It sums up nearly everything we should all (men and women both) be aware of going into dating (and especially, later, long term relationships). I've been in relationships with both men and women but never had anyone break this down for me, and it took me more years than I'd care to admit (and so much heartbreak) before I learned these lessons myself. Except the "come to Dad's house" (because he passed on 10 years ago) but the stand-in for that, for anyone else who may be in a difficult situation, is to work your behind off to become financially independent and learn to protect yourself, so when the time is right you're free to start a new life, for you and about you. The hustle combined with the stress of staying strong in a bad situation will hurt and you'll wonder if you can do it, but I have to believe that in the end it has to be worth it. WE have to be worth it.
Spinning Leila 3 years ago
Thing is I could if used this advise 15 years ago. Sad thing is I probably couldn't accept it.
#11
Him making fun of you in front of his friends or your friends. Cute teasing can be mildly tolerated but actually making fun of you? No thanks.
Brazen 3 years ago
This has happened to me before and it really puts you on the spot, because if you object to what's happening, it can turn into a fight easily and you just end up looking like the bad person in the end. It's really not a fair or nice thing to do to someone.
Sonja 3 years ago
Don't object. Play dumb and ask them to please kindly explain what they mean. I'm so sorry, I don't get it, what do you mean by that? And then watch them squirm and huff and puff while trying to find a way to make it sound less offending.
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Hippopotamuses 3 years ago
This is possibly the most obvious trait of an insecure person. Putting others down in front of an audience.
Rahul Pawa 3 years ago (edited)
I question the part that says cute teasing can be mildly tolerated. Personally I find all teasing to be unacceptable. And in case it's not obvious, it's not acceptable for me to tease or be teased.
Tris Hunt 3 years ago
Exactly. I can't handle teasing from my own brother, but can sort of handle it, when it's more of unnoticed flirting/light teasing, from guy friends. Honestly, it's just weird and can be very annoying.
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H.J. carlson 3 years ago
If you're not respected, you aren't valued as a human being. Forget these losers!!
Thomas Vinters 3 years ago
I tease people I like as a way to express affection. The point is not to make them seem/feel smaller, but rather to let them feel seen and loved. If it doesn't do that, it's not cute anymore.
Rahul Pawa 3 years ago
I think I need an example of teasing that lets someone feel loved without making them feel small.
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robin aldrich 3 years ago
And no matter who you are, when you keep hearing the same old slam's even jokingly... unless you have no feelings at all... you start to take it to heart, thinking maybe they're NOT joking
#12
No one mentioned the replacement mom issue. I unfortunately had some friends who thought that once they get into a serious relationship that it’s the woman’s sole purpose to clean after them. No man children.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 3 years ago
If I didn't give birth to you, then I'm not cleaning up your messes. Look at the condition of their apartment/home. That says a lot
Amy S 3 years ago
Heck even the person I gave birth to knows to clean up after herself (in an age appropriate way). If a partner cannot do what my child does he's not the man for me.
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Jody Whitmarsh 3 years ago
Even if I gave birth to you, I'm not cleaning up after you. I raised my children to take care of themselves
Susan Teter 3 years ago
Like I tell my husband...I'm not your maid and I'm not your mother - do it or clean it yourself
Keating_5 3 years ago
This is why long before we even got engaged we talked about the division of labor in my relationship. My parents split labor, my dad cooked better than my mom even, my mom was a neat freak, when someone was busy the other could become punted on to fill in pretty well. play to each other’s strengths too-I hate doing dishes so my husband does them, he can cook but I’m better at it and like cooking so I do it-I’ve washed dishes 2-3 times in the 3 years we’ve been married, he has cooked twice for special occasions. It works for us, but neither is overly burdened by chores because we’re not each other’s parents!
Coach Eden stressed the importance of noting repeated harmful behaviors if you want to find a partner who’s right for you. Unfortunately, very few things can make you as thrilled to bits as those early days in a new relationship, potentially clouding your judgment and overlooking your partner's less-than-ideal qualities.
"I believe many of us are wired in a way that we turn a blind eye towards the red flags," Eden noted. But having said that, she also explained we have the power to receive nurturing, caring, and drama-free love. "Dating 'bad boys,' attracting unavailable men, throwing ourselves into abusive relationships might feel familiar and therefore safe, as crazy as it seems. It’s something we are used to and so we continue doing it."
"If you recognize this, let me break it to you: it’s a pattern that you choose (subconsciously), not a curse that you’re a victim of. Working on yourself takes a lot of courage but will set you free and train you to get to a place where red flags are not even coming into your field because you vibrate higher."
#13
If he’s mean to servers, but nice to you. He’s not a nice person.
Hippopotamuses 3 years ago
“If you want to see the true measure of a man, watch how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.” - J. K. Rowling
John G 3 years ago
With all due respect to Ms. Rowling, I may work in the service industry but I am inferior to no one!
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Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 3 years ago
Anyone disrespectful, mean, condescending or just plain rude to servers (or anyone in a service position) deserves to be treated with just as much disdain when I stand up and apologize to the server for (insert name) lack of manners and unforgivable behavior. Then just leave them sitting there to wallow in embarrassment
Lynne Hammar 3 years ago (edited)
"The true measure of a person is how they treat someone who can do absolutely nothing for them in return."
Dónal Ó Murchadha 3 years ago
That fact that she sees people as inferior tells you all you need to know about Rowling
#14
This goes for both genders, but don't date someone under the assumption that they'll change something fundamental about themselves. Not fair to either of you.
Agent 8433599 3 years ago
Don't expect someone to change for you, and don't let anyone try to change you.
Thomas Bentley 3 years ago
and never, EVER change yourself to match them more. unless you were already considering it, do not even try. a facade will fall down later, and that falls under lying to them.
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S Mi 3 years ago
Change? No. Help you be the best version of you? Yes (if is genuinely you and not someone's expectations of you)
Carsten Petersen 3 years ago
Indeed :-) My girlfriend loved me as I was the time we met, but she also helped me grow in so many ways - I'm forever grateful for that.
Load More Replies... Tess 3 years ago (edited)
You can grow together with the right person for you. You can't change someone to suit yourself, nor can they change you. If you're right for each other, you will gradually change together over time.
Pizzagirl 91 3 years ago
And sometimes, not so gradually, you should be able to compromise and work out a good way of living for both of you. Especially to adapt to new situations, like children, someone losing their job or getting sick. A friend of mine is now pregnant (6 weeks so far, so she might still lose it, as I know VERY well from my own experience). Her new husband is kind of shell-shocked by the news while she is glad, even though they both "want children" - but they're in their early 20s and he just found great hobbies, a new field of study and doesn't want his situation to change so drastically... Now, how they'll handle this "conflict of interests" if the pregnancy proves to be viable will, in my opinion, be either the breaking point or the making of their relationship, you can't just have such a crossroads pass you by...
Load More Replies... the Return of Bruno 3 years ago
If they need to change for you to love them, you don't love them.
Iam Knucks 3 years ago
There's a faded gray line in there where you should be able to grow together. But people generally don't like the word change. But I'm questioningly, my wife of 15 years has changed me. I am not the same man I was 15 years ago.
Midoribird Aoi 3 years ago
Reminder: this should be about fundamentally changing someone, not about something like getting them to fix dinner once a week or be responsible with the toilet seat.
Poeha 3 years ago
That's annoying. The one who wants it like they want it is the boss and you have to adapt. My ex wanted me to leave it up. I refused. Lol and now he leaves it down and tells the boys to sit, so he doesnt get mess and I leave it up, cause they pee over it, standing and I want to sit dry.
Load More Replies... Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
When the honeymoon is over, you are who you are. Better get to know that person.
Kristina 3 years ago (edited)
what I said !!! they're is way more than two lol
Load More Replies... #15
If he starts throwing tantrums over petty things, there is worse on the horizon. He's not passionate, he's unstable.
Joy 3 years ago
Yup and always trust your gut. The first time I saw a guy I was seeing get angry, my stomach flipped and it dawned on me I was sat there in his house just me and him. And although not literally, what what I learned later - even though he kicked my heart in - meant I had dodged a bullet. If I had stayed with him, I'd have ended-up a coke-ravaged skeleton living a bleak and stained existence. I thank God I got out.
Vasana Phong 3 years ago
Nowadays I’ll say it’s called being triggered by very small petty things
Martin Lederer 3 years ago
No. I inherited this from my father: Being upset about little things, being calm about the big ones. Loosing a 20 Euro bill, because you are sloppy and stupid? Argh at yourself! Crashing your car? Ah, well, it's only a car. *shrug*
Mary Linda Gail Gibson 3 years ago
If you think football is bad, try guys watching hockey! Now that is messed up.
Phil Boswell 3 years ago
Bear in mind that not everyone judges what is "petty" by the same standards. If you are treating something he values as "petty" then you are possibly not so very compatible but it's not necessarily all his fault 🤔
Avichai Cohen 3 years ago
I once had a manager who could humiliate workers in the middle of presentations and stuff like that. After he did it to me once he apologized saying he's very passionate about the product. I ran away but this piece of advice just sums it up nicely
Alarmingly, negative behaviors can turn into serious issues as the relationship evolves because the foundation is not solid. "We would deepen the connection and bond with each other on the wrong terms, normalizing abuse, dishonesty, and control in the container, a recipe to slowly break ourselves down," the coach warned.
As many of us tend to fall into old patterns of attracting people like the ones who hurt us in the past, it’s time to "get conscious about our wounds and snap out of that spiral. Dating consciously involves being fully aware and really checking in with yourself if the connection and person are in alignment with you and that you don’t lose yourself in the process," she noted.
"When we aren’t conscious, we tend to attract what feels familiar, which is not always healthy. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to snap out of this, that’s essentially what life is about in my opinion, to learn to relate and love through trial and error in order to evolve as a soul."
#16
I’ve seen stories of guys who rage and break their things when gaming. As someone who has been playing video games for about 20 years now, that is not normal nor is it okay. Like swearing sure, that’s understandable, but getting angry and breaking stuff ain’t it. It’s just violent behavior and a red flag.
S Mi 3 years ago
Also casual racism, misogyny or homophobia under the guise of 'its just gaming, that's how it is'. Nope. If they are 'just words' pick other words. Ii shouldn't be hard to give them up (with allowances for mistakes and learning). If you insist on using them, when any words can be 'just words', it says something about you.
BeepBeepBoopBoop 3 years ago
People who say terrible words and use the "they're just words" excuse lose my respect. Especially people who use racist slurs or anything similar. Why?
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Dre Mosley 3 years ago
True. Been gaming all my life Have I gotten frustrated and cursed a blue streak? Yeah, but I've never broken or thrown anything . I don't like breaking things that I've paid for.
the Return of Bruno 3 years ago
Yeah... it means he can't control his anger. Doesn't necessarily mean he's prone to physical violence; a lot of people simply don't have it in them to strike another human being. But it does mean he's out of control. And be very careful that he NEVER touches you in any angry way or ever transgresses a boundary because that means he is not such a person.
Aureliana 3 years ago
This hits home for me. I'm a gamer and of course have rage quit, but I've never broken anything. When this happened (controller through the TV screen, had to replace both), he made me feel so bad because I'm a gamer and should understand so why am I guilting him about being even more into it than I obviously was? So I felt bad and apologised for getting upset at him, and it was only a year later that **I** was the target of the rage that was getting broken instead of the gaming equipment.
Jp@nda 3 years ago
I don't know if i misunderstood but did he hurt you? If so I am so sorry, you know that you didn't do anything to deserve that right? You are sacred and no one has the right to touch you without your consent. Sending you love and hugs ❤️🤗
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Jill Bussey 3 years ago
If they can't be a good loser, then they probably can't be a good winner.
Shane S 3 years ago
Channel that rage in a healthy way. I’ve heard of therapists suggesting breaking dishes into the garbage outside, punching pillows, or investing in a punching bag. Find a way to release that rage in a non-destructive way.
Jp@nda 3 years ago
Absolutely, there are places now where you pay to go break stuff, safely of course, i think they're called smash rooms. But yeah screaming into pillows is a good one it releases the anger in a non violent way
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InfiniteZeek 3 years ago
I never understood that either. I have been gaming since the Atari (yes, I'm old). I have never broken a single controller or thrown one for that matter.
Taylor Keane 3 years ago
I'm a middle aged teacher and even my students won't let me play video games because I can't help swearing!
A Random Anvil 3 years ago
They will turn that rage onto you eventually. I've seen it so many times.
#17
Any aversion to taking responsibility.
The older I get the more I find that the men I respect most aren’t the ones with great achievements to theirs names, but rather the ones who aren’t afraid to own their s**t.
Lisa H 3 years ago
It's never easy to own up to your mistakes, but if you can, you have my respect. As long as I don't have to PERSUADE you to do it. I should just have to explain that you made a mistake and that's that.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 3 years ago
I don't mind saying I'm sorry or I was wrong. I'm human, I make mistakes. Just try to learn from it and how to avoid it in the future
El Dee 3 years ago
Lots of people say that they always own up to their mistakes. But few actually do..
suzemagoo 3 years ago
And too often apologies aren't anything close to actual amends. They're confessions of regret without any lesson learned.
Load More Replies... Jp@nda 3 years ago
Saying you're sorry means that you are going to try your hardest to never make that same mistake again. Because if you keep doing the same ish over and over and think that just saying the word sorry makes it all go away, then that shows that you really don't care and that is a problem.
Aureliana 3 years ago
This is so important. If I misunderstood an action/statement, then explain it to me and I'll listen and we will have an intelligent, open-minded conversation wherein we will both come to understand each other's point of view and how to avoid it going forward. But if EVERY time I mention something that wasn't okay (or the same thing is done again in exactly the same way after we've discussed and agreed to work on it going forward), and it's somehow my fault, or there is always an excuse as to why you're so persecuted for being called out on something that was definitely not okay, that's a sign that it's time to walk away.
Scott Rackley 3 years ago
The only men I am friends with now are the ones who can admit they are wrong, and go fix what they were wrong about.
Connie Martin 3 years ago
Listen carefully though. Make sure they're genuinely owning it, and not saying "Poor me, I'm such a screwup," or "I've been beating myself up about that." My narcissistic boyfriend said that during the love bombing phase and it was just a pose to get my empathic self to feel sorry for him.
#18
When someone is declaring multiple times they are not a certain way without prompt, they are actually that way.
harpling 3 years ago
'I'm not racist, but...' 'I'm not like most people, but...' 'I'm not someone who can't take a joke, but...'
OmBoyGanesh 3 years ago
I personally feel weirded out when people try to sell their character or personality traits. I ( luckily) have ears & eyes. I also have experience & age-wisdom. This pretty much gives me the ability to observe and form my own opinions. If someone tries to tell me they’re this or not that, I can’t help but think they’re lost in narcissistic delusion and/or they completely lack critical thought so assume we all must. You can tell me whatever you want about yourself. I’m still gonna make up my mind all on my own. Actions speak louder…
Jennifer 3 years ago
I've always said decent people do not need to sell themselves or have others sell them.
Sean Sean 3 years ago
Except sometimes they do, when other people have the wrong impression of them (rumors for example)
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Billie Templeton 3 years ago
I once stayed with a "friend" who creeped me out by claiming she'd NEVER ATTACK me... I got weird vibes when she said that. Her oddly specific reassurance to me was proven wrong less than two months later.
Cory Kent 3 years ago
Could someone help me understand this better please? Explain it in different words, or give me an example...I would really appreciate it.
Jp@nda 3 years ago
Ok an example would be if a person keeps saying"don't worry you can trust me" or "I'm a trustworthy guy" and he keeps saying it multiple times without any reason to do so that would be a red flag. Like why do you keep saying i can trust you that's something that gets earned over time. Or it's like a used car salesman that keeps telling you that a car has never been in a flood a bunch of times when you've only been talking to him for two minutes. I hope that helped, idk i confuse myself sometimes lol
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Anonymouse 3 years ago
"See, I'm a good person. I NEVER steal, or cheat, or lie, or watch a person drop a $20 bill on the ground and quickly snatch it before they can and run away and accidentally make them crash into a stop sign and sprain their arm and have to go to the hospital. Nope. NEVER."
To avoid dating and finding yourself in a partnership with men who share harmful qualities, Eden advised you to avoid settling for less. "A key is to shift the focus from 'needing' someone to 'being open to connect' with someone," the coach explained. "When we throw ourselves into dating and relationships because we want it so badly, we are more likely to ignore what is really important to us. Are you chasing the concept of love or actual love?"
"Also pay attention to whether you’re coming from a scarcity or abundance mindset. Settling for less because 'it’s hard to find a man' or seeing the abundance of beautiful good men in the world. That will reflect your choices and luck in this game."
#19
If anything happens to him and he always shifts blame to someone else, or something else, or the situation, that is a big red flag. Sooner or later everything will be your fault.
Also, if their story, complaint, rant, or explanation sounds too one sided, (again unable to take blame themselves) they are lacking empathy... red flag.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 3 years ago
A grown person admits mistakes, learns from them and moves on
TotallyNOTaFox 3 years ago (edited)
The amount of real psychopaths is 1% of the population, it takes more traits to be a psychopath working together in a specific way. A lack of empathy can be caused by injuries, lacking brain development, drug abuse or environmetal factors.
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Verena Abt 3 years ago
This one. I met someone like this and thought, aaaw, he's had so much bad luck in his life. Let's take care of him, I'm a nice person. - Turns out, he wasn't.
#20
Blaming their childhood on treating you and others like rubbish.
Dre Mosley 3 years ago
Don't make people in your present pay for your past if you want a future.
Michael Largey 3 years ago
We all have various amounts of baggage from the past, but you have to carry it yourself.
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Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 3 years ago
Use your crappy past as a guide of what NOT to do, not as an excuse
the Return of Bruno 3 years ago
Yes. The follow-up question should be, "so your therapy hasn't helped enough with that yet?"
Alan Christensen 3 years ago (edited)
However, understanding how someone's neglectful or abusive childhood affects how they see and react to the world can help keep you from accidentally triggering them. My former wife had been severely beaten by her mother while her cop father did nothing. It "taught" her that people who claim to love you will hurt you or desert you. It also made her hyper-vigilant, always looking around her and analyzing everyone and every situation for potential threats. It was exhausting. I was constantly demonstrating my harmlessness, my innocence, my sympathy, my support, my good intentions, my love. Meanwhile, I had been raised in a family where it was extremely rare to receive even mild approval or validation. My constant thought was, "Do I deserve your love yet?" So my ex's constant apprehension and suspicion made me feel unloved. Relationship can be hard.
robin aldrich 3 years ago
That's a tough one because a lot of people, especially men, who have gone through horrible childhoods, probably not really dealt with that because society is taught them just to repress it ...so it takes a special kind of objectivity to try to look at it and say "I'm not going to be like that I'm not going to let that affect me that way"
Ghaniyah Verma 3 years ago
There's a difference between being raised horribly and then genuinely thinking it's normal, learning it isn't and trying to fix it and blaming being raised horribly to treat others horribly. A thin line, but there is a line.
Joy 3 years ago
This ☝ Thank you for saying it so eloquently. It's absolutely true.
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Keating_5 3 years ago
so many people need to go to therapy or get help for their s****y childhoods and stop expecting their significant other to shoulder all that as another normal person with their own issues to deal with. Get professional help so it actually has a chance of sticking, don’t just dump it on your partner!
#21
As a man, and someone who dates men, here's a big one that may seem obvious on the surface, but isn't always easy to listen to:
If you get even a tiny a gut feeling that tells you, "Hey, this guy kinda reminds me of (insert terrible man/ex/person)!" You should listen to it. I've never gotten that feeling where it hasn't been right in the end. Listen to yourself, you might not know why you feel that way but there is always something to it.
Edit: Fixed the grammar because it was bothering me a lot lol.
harpling 3 years ago (edited)
This man went back and edited a comment on Reddit to correct grammar. Be still, my heart!
Shane S 3 years ago (edited)
Also, in general, trust your reliable gay friends. We know all about men because we date them and are also men ourselves. Same goes with straight men and lesbian friends. They know women.
Michael Largey 3 years ago
If you feel like this about a new person in your life, examine those feeling very closely. If they are correct, you are avoiding repeating a mistake. If they are incorrect, you are in danger of being very unfair to this new person.
Wondering Alice 3 years ago
Does that not depend on your relationship with your mother? I mean, if you had a great childhood, why not enjoy traits in a partner that are similar to your mum's? Obviously, if she reminds you of your mum in the bedroom, that's a problem but it's her who needs to run.
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Britt Leimer 3 years ago
I totally understand this one under most circumstances but in my case I have PTSD from my last relationship because he was emotionally / physically abusive. Sometimes I'll get flashbacks of my ex when my new boyfriend says certain phrases or does certain things that remind me of that dark time in my life. The difference is my new boyfriend has never been abusive towards me. Like for example when he yells at his cat for scratching on something she's not supposed to, I get flashbacks of my ex yelling in my face and pushing me to the ground. Not at all related, just caused by PTSD. I feel like it's important to distinguish the difference between PTSD and the person genuinely reminding you of a bad person. In this case I can't "trust my instincts" because my instincts have been broken by abuse and that means I'm constantly on high alert
At the early dating stage, try asking yourself, "How does this relationship dynamic make me feel? How does he make me feel?" Moreover, be sure to check in with your closest friends and ask for their perspectives on your relationship. "If they notice that you’ve changed or seem weighed down by a connection, it’s time to look yourself in the mirror and ask what kind of life you came here to live. You deserve the best. Stay true to yourself and your needs."
"Lastly, always come from wholeness instead of incompleteness. Stop looking for your other half, that’s a trap. Instead, first look within yourself, love yourself, then open up to merge with someone who is also whole and create magic together without codependency or drama. Loving yourself, your own company and the way you are is a fruitful foundation to attract a partner who is also whole and can meet you at a higher level," coach Eden concluded.
#22
You’ll be able to tell if a guy is nice by how he behaves. If a guy _tells_ you he’s nice, ignore that. That’s meaningless.
Christopher Bowers 3 years ago
Actions speaks louder than words. Motto every man and woman should hear. Only then from seeing those actions, ones can then believe his words.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 3 years ago
Nothing wrong with saying it, but don't take it at face value. Again, actions speak louder than words
Cara G 3 years ago (edited)
My cousin has been with her boyfriend for nine years. She made a post on FB about not meeting any nice guys. He commented "I'm a nice guy!" 🙄 They had previously been on one date several months earlier and she decided to give it another shot. You guys, he is THE BIGGEST dïckbag on the planet. The trust fund baby of a multimillionaire meaning they could've easily bought a home together at any time but he lives (literally) in his mother's basement and has no plans to leave her. Ever. He's emotionally withdrawn to the point of being completely absent, is entirely lacking anything that resembles "manners", and is content to let days go by without speaking to my cousin because he's "busy" or "working" or "tired". She doesn't see the 🚩🚩🚩 and I think she's resigned herself to him being her side piece at this point since she now owns her own home. But when I see Nice Guy ™️ I think of his ugly face slithering into her comments. BTW he looks just like Josh Duggar.
Redmagesyndrome 3 years ago
If someone refers to them self as nice or an ally then it's a huge red flag but if others say that about them unprompted then it's a decent bet that they are
Stephanie Did It 3 years ago
And when he talks about "respect" as if it's owed to him. You EARN respect by behaving respectably.
Chucky Cheezburger 3 years ago
Someone can say they are good a thousand times over, but until they prove it, it's all just words. And is it me or does it seem weird to be judging yourself? It seems that another person's opinion of you would be more accurate.
Auntriarch 3 years ago
You do talk amazing amounts of sense Chuck E. Were you brought by my mother and I just didn't notice?
Load More Replies... Alan Christensen 3 years ago
Also, beware if you're attracted to a man because he's a "bad boy."
#23
If they verbally attack you in an argument rather than discuss the issue.
If they constantly s**t talk other guys.
Alan Christensen 3 years ago
Or when you're sticking to the issue but they feel like you're attacking them.
Aureliana 3 years ago
For everyone (like me) who missed this lesson growing up and is coming to the realisation belatedly, I'd like to add: ***Feeling like you are better off avoiding arguments altogether because nothing ever gets solved and it's just easier to keep the peace.*** When you realise that their verbal attacks don't even hurt anymore, it's just an annoyance to avoid because that's less stress to deal with, that's a sign that things are not okay. Healthy communication is respectful. Pretending everything is fine to try and make sure everything is fine, is not healthy.
Lauren Caswell 3 years ago
Sh!t talking anyone even strangers, never a good sign in a person. Yes they will sh!t talk about you to others as well, naturally.
Gourdeous 3 years ago
I house shared with a man when I was younger. He was awful to disagree with, always making it really personal rather than debating the issue. Turned out he had grown up in a very religious home and had never experienced any adult disagreement. He therefore just didn't know how to disagree like an adult. His female housemates were able to help him practice his skills, and now he's a lovely human with excellent conflict resolution skills!
D. Pitbull 3 years ago
Oh.... you mean the whole 'Everything you say, I shall treat as the opening salvo to a DEBATE WAAARRR - and I SHALL PROVE YOU WRONG' - yeah... I figured that this is not healthy/normal/decent-person behaviour... from anyone.
April 3 years ago
I have someone just like this in my life and I've learned to just refuse to participate.
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Cherry Lane 3 years ago
So is that if he is avoidant or ignoring you when things should be discussed.
#24
If he disregards your opinion about something small, he will disregard your opinion about something large. And that can go pretty dark pretty quickly. Every single questionable thing a person does that you excuse because you want to believe the best about that person should be taken as a yellow flag. Step back from the situation, assess it logically and in context of other behaviors or opinions. If you continually have to interpret their behavior only in the best possible light for it to be okay, you should run. "When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." - Wanda - Bojack Horseman
Silverstrand Beach 3 years ago
Stop falling for the man you know he can be, and look really hard at the man he is. That's who he will always be
Rahul Pawa 3 years ago
There's a difference between saying "don't expect someone to change" and "people can't change". I think people can change if they're willing to take a hard look at themselves and work on it. Definitely don't get into a relationship hoping someone will change.
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#25
If he's dumb, but thinks he's smart
Alan Christensen 3 years ago
The dumber someone is, the smarter they think they are. Dunning-Krueger Effect.
Michael Largey 3 years ago
Well, if you're really dumb, you're bound to be wrong about a lot of things.
Load More Replies... Stephanie Did It 3 years ago
Trash talking about anyone more educated, prosperous, ambitious, stable or popular.
Jordi Sharpe 3 years ago
And here I am, constantly badmouthing Elon Musk, whose prosperity and ambition suffer from 'roid bloat.
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ILoveMySon 3 years ago (edited)
If he continually expresses how smart he is then typically he is dumb as a box of rocks.
Oskar vanZandt 3 years ago
More so if he insists on mansplaining everything and is always trying to show his "smartness"... NOT clever.
ChingoChango 3 years ago
That's the American way " We're dumb, but we're confident" - Judah Friedlander
#26
If he isn't on the same level of maturity of you, regardless of age, don't go for it. one of you will turn into the parent.
BlackAdder 3 years ago
What happens when you realise that but you are not mature enough to end it?
M F 3 years ago
That's an excuse. If you are miserable then you have to leave. It will hurt, and won't be easy but you have to in the end. Don't buy into sunk cost fallacy. 1 year or 20 years leave a relationship that has stopped serving your emotional needs and is more bad than good.
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Catch 22ish 3 years ago
Beware the adult that says 'I'm just a big kid, I'll never grow up'. They aren't lying, you'll be the mom
Viper Dogfish 3 years ago
And that's why I'm lucky to have at my side a person who shares a single brain-cell with me 😅
Katie Andrews 3 years ago
It's very subtle. Watch what he says, how he says it. Vocabulary is a good indicator, but more than that, the quality of his thoughts. Is he able to self-regulate, self-soothe, be in control of himself at all times? Does he have manners, self-awareness, grace, kindness? Is he able to think about his own thinking in order to change behavior? The ability to look within is vital.
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#27
If he refuses to admit that he is wrong. And/or, most of his apologies are along the line of, "I'm sorry you feel that way." If he calls himself, "brutally honest". Or, "jokes" about subjects that are not socially acceptable to joke about.
the Return of Bruno 3 years ago
You can't be "brutally honest" without being "brutal." You can be honest without being brutally so.
Connie Martin 3 years ago
And it isn't usually honesty at all, it's just insulting you and acting like he's doing you a favor
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Michael Largey 3 years ago
"Brutally honest" always turns out to be 95% "brutal" and 5% "honest", doesn't it?
Brazen 3 years ago
Apologies? What are those? Seriously though, I'm with someone now who can't bring himself to say the words. He just buys presents and sucks up to me when he knows he's goofed up. I know it's his way of apologizing and I'd probably have a heart attack if he actually said "I'm sorry", so I just let it slide.
setsuriseikou 3 years ago
We all have different love languages, so not pronouncing the words "I'm sorry" aloud in your presence is not a red flag per se. What's really important is if he understands what he did wrong and _never_ does it again. Because the only true way to say sorry is to make sure that you stop the upsetting behavior.
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Iam Knucks 3 years ago
People who claim that they have big personalities and their brutally honest and you just have to deal with it are really f*****g annoying. They're basically just communicating that they're giant a******s and they refuse to change.
D. Pitbull 3 years ago
Ohhh yeah. An individual in a TTRPG group I was recently in... this behaviour was this person to a T. Super proud that they were 'brutally honest'... and 'didn't care about stupid things like courtesy/etiquette' - and yeah...all the apologies were of the "Well, I'm sorry you felt that way. I didn't mean it like that." and you could almost hear them patting themselves on the back for being 'so awesome'.
Catch 22ish 3 years ago
'I was just kidding'! Nope, a joke makes both people laugh, if only he laughs, it's a taunt.
#28
seems no one has brought up this 🚩🚩🚩 when he says, "don't worry about working, i'll take care of you." does he mean it's ok FOR NOW or does he mean he low key doesn't want you to have the means to leave if/when things go bad? there is a huge difference between support and sabotage but they come in a similar looking package sometimes. **edit update** glad to see the few mentally well men on here who don't seek to trap a partner but the point of this thread is red flags and financial dependence is one when it happens in certain context. just wanting to promote the action of looking deeper into the situation and not just trust someone's word. i witnessed it myself my whole life and have a partner who can't stand the thought of me making more than him and he's a nice guy on paper. i want to work, i miss work, but he owns two vehicles for himself (one is a sport bike i cannot operate the other he takes to work daily) and has done nothing to help me get back into a car since mine broke down. we often scrape by while he said to me in the beginning "don't worry about money, you dont have to work for now, i can take care of you", then complains that we are a single income home, then when i ask for support in establishing work at home he clams up. my laptop broke and he bought a $500 xbox...so it is clear where his priorities are vs my needs as a partner. he wants me to be home, not equal. only after i moved across country to support his job and left my family network did he begin to complain about his ex getting a job and her "attitude" that came with making $15k/year when he makes over $50k. had i known his "support" was actually sabotage i would have stayed where i was. i am taking steps on my own to change the situation. i just thought it was odd the actual men of reddit did not bring this up because everyone sure likes to bring up love bombing but not the money issues.
Stephanie Did It 3 years ago
My experience is the opposite. He said not to expect him to support me just because we were getting married. I said fine, I was supporting myself before we met, so that didn't present a problem. Until I had a major heart attack and triple bypass followed by an infected sternal wound which incapacitated me for a year. He waited until I recovered enough to live fairly normally and then ordered me to move out because he didn't sign up to be a caregiver.
Billie Templeton 3 years ago
So sorry this happened to you. Mine "gave up" on us when I was chronically ill for "too long." Kept asking when I was "going to get better." Saddened me.
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Spocks's Mom 3 years ago
I honestly can't believe this one isn't higher. I watched my mom go through it. My "dad" left us at home with no car or money while he went to work every day, drank himself to the point of not being able to remember how he got home (yes he drove himself home each time) and spent all of the money he made on his massive drug habit. Not to mention all of the abuse and fighting I had to go through and witness. I begged my mom to leave him when I was 12, and she actually did it. I asked why she didn't leave him years before and she said it was because she thought I needed a father. Unfortunately, she drug me through all of her other abusive relationships. When I was old enough to leave is when my life improved immensely. I tried to forgive my dad and have a relationship when I was older, but his intravenous drug use was too strong to overcome. I couldn't continue to relive my childhood and I damn sure wasn't going to expose my son to his behavior. Unfortunately, he died alone.
Spocks's Mom 3 years ago
Anyway, that was total tmi, but this is a FREAKING MASSIVE red flag to watch for.
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Megan Lauhon 3 years ago
I saw this first hand with our neighbors. When we moved in across the street, he had a finance job and she was a stay at home mom. She had a degree in education and had been certified to teach at some point but never entered the workforce (at her husband's request according to her). After 14 years of marriage he asked her to move out and filed for divorce. I helped her move to her new apartment when she told me he had been funneling money into a secret account for 10 years and had made sure she had nothing important in her name (bank accounts, cars, etc). Within a month of her being fully moved out her ex husband tried to hit on me when I was getting the mail, I was 18 he was 40+. I learned real young to never let a man be my only source of support, always be able to cut it on your own.
Lupita Nyong'heaux 3 years ago
if you were still living with your parents, did you tell your dad? cuz i know what MY dad woulda done if a 40+yo man had hit on 18yo me, and it would NOT have ended well for the perv.
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Susan Betz 3 years ago (edited)
Financial incompatibility will kill a marriage. Not unequal incomes necessarily, just differing expectations and world views.
Jordi Sharpe 3 years ago
Apparently, my father wanted my mother to be a stay at home mom. She had none of that nonsense. She's a fiercely independent woman.
Keley Babs 2 years ago
Girl, you're RIGHT on the money!! Good luck and God's speed in your current situation.
Artchangel 2 years ago
making you financially dependent and cutting off access to friends and family by moving you are huge red flags for domestic violence
#29
If he says “all my ex’s are crazy” and tells you stories about all of them where he’s always the victim. Run!
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 3 years ago
If you have a long trail of toxic exes, you are probably the toxic ex.
Cat servant 3 years ago
Or you have a type you are attracted to. Many people go for the exact same type that is bad for them. Self sabotage at its finest.
Load More Replies... Dan Holden 3 years ago
I've seen this one a couple of times here. I think that people with a victim mentality are pretty easy to spot if you've had a couple conversations with them. But there are people who aren't "victims" who always seem to end up in a toxic relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are the problem.
Shannon Kathleen 3 years ago
Even if all your ex's are truly crazy, eventually you must take responsibility for choosing them as relationship partners.
Cat servant 3 years ago
Unfortunately without counseling or a close friend pointing it out some people cannot see it.
Load More Replies... Cherry Lane 3 years ago
Sometimes it's true. Being too nice and empathic, poor boundaries, childhood trauma or Asperger's, you end up getting used many times.
Jessica K 3 years ago
I had a (now ex) bf tell me he could never be with someone who didn't want to pool all of our money into one joint account, even though I told him I was willing to have a joint account, but also our own 'fun' accounts. He made more than me at the time, but I had upward momentum at my career and lots of room for advancement, and had been financially independent even before we met. When I called him on it, and his other emotional abusive tendencies, he told me he couldn't be emotionally abusive because "that's not a thing."
#30
If a guy is doing the minimum of what you want in a long term relationship at the beginning, it’s going to be well below your standards after a few years.
I would expect about half of what you see in the first year.
Norman van Druten 3 years ago
Most times in life and especially relationships we need make mistakes. So think of it this way: you didn't fail, you merely discovered a way not to go about doing something. You are now wiser as to what you expect from a meaningful relationship.
Load More Replies... Erica Knapp 3 years ago
What about those times when he does all the great stuff like taking out the trash without being asked only to become lazy and whinny once you move in together? It's like AFTER I married him, he got what he wanted and now gives zero f*$"! Yes, I divorced him lol but this " phenomenon " has happened a couple times with others.
Aureliana 3 years ago (edited)
This one is so difficult to catch at the start because we all try to give our best to the person we care about, to show them we care, and going above and beyond for them can often hide the fact that they aren't putting as much in, because we find joy in doing stuff for them. Then when life is at a point where there *needs* to be equal effort in order to sustain the relationship, it comes to light that you're still putting forth 80% and they're giving 20%, but by then it's many years later and it's become the expectation and it's much harder to rectify. **Edited because I didn't proofread and apparently can't spell 😅
LonelyLola 3 years ago
its true. its a lesson i'm currently in the process of learning and been trying to get out of for the past 5months...
Oskar vanZandt 3 years ago
I think everyone creates a facade (showing our best bits) when first dating... but that facade is NOT going to remain- it will shatter- once you know the person better.
Wondering Alice 3 years ago
I do get where this is coming from, but my experience has been the opposite. At first, I did absolutely everything in the house even though I was working longer hours. Looking back, my husband was just immature and had grown up watching his dad do nothing. I became ill and my husband started doing heavy things, my FIL was very negative about it not being a proper marriage if the man had to do wife things. Rather woke my husband up. He really upped his game, getting a better job so I could work less and took over all the jobs I struggled with. For a while, it was a fairly half and half split - now I do a bit more than him as he works longer hours.
#31
If they behave like they know everything. Change is certainly not their cup of tea.
Spocks's Mom 3 years ago
They say the smartest people don't think they know everything and will change their minds about things if proof goes against their common beliefs. I know people who will argue that the sky is red when it's most obviously purple. 🤫
Pizzagirl 91 3 years ago
Yeah, I had an ex (German like me, studying Latin at the time) "teach" me (studying English, had stayed in England for a year at that point) the right pronunciation of English words. I should have left him right then and there, instead we had a fight and he "punished me" for knowing better by not talking to me for several days...
Barbara Vandewalle 3 years ago
Does he have conversations with you or does he talk about what interests him. Does not listen to you, if he does not like what he hears does he not hear it.
Alan Christensen 3 years ago
Well, if you feel he needs to change, maybe he's not the right person for you.
#32
This one is extremely obvious, yet I've seen dozens of women still make the same mistake:
**If he's rude, selfish and possessive** ***before*** **you're dating, he will** ***NOT*** **change once you start dating.**
I don't know why so many women think that a man will "have an epiphany" and become better once they get in a relationship.
People VERY RARELY change.
Jordi Sharpe 3 years ago
And people with inflated egos rarely see a reason to change, without some external force affecting their personality.
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Stephanie Did It 3 years ago (edited)
You will never raise him up to your standards, he will drag you down to his.
Veru Jaros 3 years ago
People are capable of change. They were always. It's just about what the change is for?
Ralph Kretschmer 3 years ago
A lo ng time ago, when I was in a hotel at a health resort, I met a guy who seemed nice. But after the first date, he became obsessive, wanting every walk, every excursion together, insisted on calling him before getting to the meals - which were at the same hour every day. He always awaited compliments instantly returned. He was so clingy, planning our next visit there - in a room together. And he always had to be right. Which I finally used: when he got upset about a third person's behavior, I told him he overreacted a littlebit, and he yelled at me because I were "against him" and stormed away.
Ralph Kretschmer 3 years ago
... after this he told my friends there he awaited an apology from me, because I had yelled at him!! Of course, he never got it , because I was glad to get rid of him and his possesive behavior.
Load More Replies... #33
Not sure if this is more universal, though Reddit will correct me: If you have a guy friend and they say that another guy gives off weird vibes or only wants one thing, consider their opinion. Many of us have a sense about these things.
Chich 3 years ago
Years ago had a friend who would make fun of his GF when she was not around. A large part of it was being young and trying to 'fit in with the guys'. They eventually broke up and later he really got interested in this very sweet girl. I knew her and told her what I had seen. He took her rejection pretty hard and blames me for part of it but it did give him a wake up call.
FakeOptimist 3 years ago
That's what a true friend does : makes you grow. As in : giving him what he needs, not what he ( thinks he ) wants.
Load More Replies... Helena 3 years ago
Maybe. Given the number of times we've had guy 'friends' tell us something like this because they were just hanging around thinking if they pretend to be a friend we'll sleep with them, makes it maybe not the most reliable source of information. And we know, not all guys, but since we can't tell a true friend from someone who is just waiting around thinking they're eventually getting some, grain of salt.
Jordi Sharpe 3 years ago
I definitely pulled this stunt with one girl friend I had in high school. Looking back, he was actually a nice guy, and he treated her well. I was an immature jackass, and she saw that.
Load More Replies... LonelyLola 3 years ago
unless that guy that's telling you this has ulterior motives and is tryna f*** you himself...
Tess 3 years ago
This is definately universal, not gender specific. If they speak poorly of you when you're not around, or share very personal information; it's only going to end catastrophically if you break up. Even more so if they're part of "your family".
Azure Adams 3 years ago
Mmmm… for straight gals with straight male friends who say this sort of thing, usually you’re the male friend hoping to get out of the friend zone and go her pants by saying s**t like this
Jimmy Riley 3 years ago
Why are y'all hanging around with male friends, if you're sure that he just wants to get in your pants? Why not just tell him that you don't want to be friends at all. That way both of you save a lot of time and trouble,
Load More Replies... Artchangel 2 years ago
listen to what our friends say about someone, they can see what we don't
Eh-non-o-mous 3 years ago
I actually had a friend's father take me aside and warn me about someone I was seeing. I trusted him (the father) and started looking more closely at the boyfriend. Sure enough, I ended it not too long after.
--- 3 years ago
That's the case many times when a man befriends a woman, or tries to join a women group, and he's not gay. And many women know, it's not really a surprise or tragedy when a guy suddenly stops hanging out or even talking with his female friends after he didn't get anything more than platonic. We just shrug and move on.
uumanebs 3 years ago
Yes. A sense of wanting to get in where another guy already is. Parents try to use this to control daughters. Manipulative friends as well. A real friend is going to bring something concrete, not try to sabotage something based on a 'feeling.' Two people emotions is hard enough to work through. Adding additional people's feelings is a road to ruin.
#34
When he looks to you as his sole source of happiness, entertainment.
This usually means that they lack the ability to manage their own emotions or have healthy coping mechanisms. In addition, if you are in it for the long term, there will be times that you will get sick of each other and a guy needs some hobbies that can take his attention away to give you space. This can be an open door for manipulation.
Dre Mosley 3 years ago
You don't want a clingy man. Relying on a person for your own happiness is a bad idea.
Celina Kiss 3 years ago
I agree with this when the relationship has been going on for a while, but I also think we shouldn't warn of people being "clingy" at the start of a relationship. My boyfreind and I were both super "clingy" when we started dating and couldn't get enoughof each other. We were both self conscious about it before we were confortable sharing that with each other and noticed we felt the same. After a while though things "settled." We still love spening time with each other but have gotten back to our regular lives and friends as well. Still, I'm happy we spend so much time in the beginning and got to know each other really fast, instead of holding back because that's what other people said we should do.
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Karen Philpott 3 years ago
Nothing worse than a person who won't let you have your interests, work, or visit/spend time with your family or friends by yourself. You're not attached at the hip like a conjoined twin. Or a parasite.
Aureliana 3 years ago
It should also be added if someone tells you that you "make them so happy"... No one ever considers that in allowing that they are somehow responsible for someone feeling a positive emotion, it's only a matter of time before they are also responsible for them feeling a negative emotion ("you make me so angry"). No one *makes* us feel anything. That's a slippery slope to not taking ownership of one's feelings/actions.
TurquoiseTzarina 3 years ago
We gotta bring our own "happy" to the table.
Load More Replies... Dónal Ó Murchadha 3 years ago
You, and only you will make you happy, not anybody else. Your decisions and choices will determine your happiness, not somebody else's. Not your mother, father, child, partner.... it's all on you kiddo!
Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
In a lot of countries, men are taught from an early age that “real men” don’t need emotional support from other men. It’s really sad to see all these lonely people needing support and kindness from each other but are afraid to be seen as effeminate.
Lorraine R 2 years ago
I wonder if this changes when men are in a situation where they have to depend solely on other men -- for example, when they are in the military and in combat, or even in a high-level sports team, where everyone is working toward the same goal, and don't want to let their buddies/teammates down.
Load More Replies... BeepBeepBoopBoop 3 years ago
my current boyfriend doesn't seem to have friends, or at least he doesn't hang out with them, which he admits. He says he only needs me to be happy. I've talked about him before, I probably need to leave but it's so hard
Alan Christensen 3 years ago
But you might be dealing with an introvert. I was never the type who had a lot of buddies and spent my spare time with them. I had a small, contented life.
Load More Replies... Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 3 years ago
Both parties need outside interests as well as shared interests
Chucky Cheezburger 3 years ago
This is one of those things that is true for any relationship. Everyone needs their own space and time for their own likes and hobbies.
Hester 2 years ago
Yes. Yes. Yes. I love my husband. Been with him for many many years... but other than sports, he only considered socialising if I was going too. When our kids were small, he gave up his sports to spend more time with us (yes, lovely, but also... not good). I used to suggest that he should go away for a boys weekend, or go to the pub for a drink with [friend]... no. I felt like I was on a chain! I felt guilty for wanting to do stuff on my own. I felt obliged to do what he wanted all the time. I luxuriated in work trips away from home! Finally, depression got bad enough he went for therapy... best thing he ever did. He probably doesn't realise it, but all of a sudden he's socialising, on his own! Probably saved our marriage.
#35
If he believes relationships without arguments or screaming matches are doomed for lack of passion, he probably hasn’t learned to communicate in a healthy way.
Brazen 3 years ago
Equally being, the man who thinks if you have one argument or fight that you're doomed because "You shouldn't have to work hard at relationships. It should be easy."
robin aldrich 3 years ago
One could add: and after such a loud argument thinks you should be turned on and wanna have make up sex
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 3 years ago
Relationships/marriage is HARD! You have to work at it everyday
Oskar vanZandt 3 years ago
There will be disagreements in relationships... how you deal with them is what counts. Growing up in a household where there was constant bickering, arguments and tension was NOT healthy for me and my siblings nor for my parents' relationship.
Brazen 3 years ago
Definitely not a healthy thing...but you can't be in a relationship without some disagreements once in awhile. It just has to be dealt with in a better manner than screaming and yelling.
Load More Replies... Viper Dogfish 3 years ago
Growing up in a home where arguments and screaming matches (not between parents, 'cause they were divorced by then, but still) were common, I absolutely hate this stuff. I don't think I can even raise my voice without pushing myself hard. If you have a disagreement (which is normal)... well, just sit down and talk about it. Arguing won't make it disappear magically.
Jody Whitmarsh 3 years ago
I dated a guy that hinted that he likes the fight... we ended because I wouldn't give into the fight. I guess he took that as a lack of interest in the relationship not lack of interest in the drama.
Wondering Alice 3 years ago
I'm not sure it matters how you disagree, as long as both people are happy with the way it's done. My husband tended to shout a bit more than I was happy with, I tended to keep going longer than he was happy with. In calmer times, we looked for a solution - now we take walks if we need have a fall out (both of us prefer to argue the little things before they become big things).
Cherry Lane 3 years ago
Or if he thinks he should avoid or ignore you until you stop talking about the problem. Run!
#36
If what he loves about you is how you make him feel and/or the things you do for him rather than who you are, what you like, your goals and shared interests.
Jro308 3 years ago (edited)
This was my experience, I told him I didn't think he loved me just what I did for him and that any woman would fit the bill as long as she took care of him. He insisted that was not true, went to counseling and the counselor asked him what he loved about me and he started listing off things I did for him, counselor stopped him and said no what is it about her that you love and he stumbled and couldn't answer. I left shortly after that.
Catch 22ish 3 years ago
Too initially get to know someone, you talk & all questions right? Right. That's why usually within 2 dates you can see which way the wind blows. They happily talk about themselves, their interests and their lives when asked or spontaneously. However, other than a couple basics like where do you work/live, they don't ask about you or your interests. If you try to interject some of that into his monolog whatever you say is used as a launch pad for more about him. If you already know more about him, his family, friends, etc than he knows it cares to know about you, then that's how it will always be. You will live in the sideline of the him world.
Catch 22ish 3 years ago
When answering that question, the 1st thing he says is you're pretty. I always got same 3 answers; beautiful, funny, smart. Yet, they never asked my opinion or advise in my areas of knowledge. In fact, wouldn't accept it & still assumed they always knew more than me even in areas they knew nothing about. They'd take advise from any dude ever even if dudes had tot diff knowledge set/experience over mine every damn time. Funny? It's alright I guess, saying my sense of humor would be better, so I'm not just entertaining. But things that are personal to me are better; I love the way you..., admire your values..., tenacity, or, I love how your mind works, or, I like that we share an interest in...
Keating_5 3 years ago
This one should honestly be higher up. I used to always ask each of my partners and friends what they liked about me, and the abusive exes and friends could only list things I did for them or how I made them feel, not who I was or what I liked to do or what I was striving to be. As I got older I learned to take that as the red flag that it is and started cutting those people from my life. I’m MUCH happier now with those who like me just for me, because like everyone, I have “bad days” and can’t always be happy and nice for everyone else’s benefit and happiness. You have to like me for the good and the bad, and those who do are rewarded with my kindness and attention now, not the selfish ones who only care how I make them feel and the nice things I used to do for them to earn their love.
#37
If you end up cooking, cleaning, and doing the laundry, you have a child. My roommate, who id never f**k, expects me to do all this s**t for him and I don't have to wonder why he's alone. I'm a guy, btw.
Viper Dogfish 3 years ago
Cooking, cleaning, laundry - some of the first things I learned when I was younger. I might not be great at something, but it doesn't matter. I just hate relying on other people.
Ruth Watry 2 years ago
Unless he is willing to scrub a toilet to show that he loves me, I shouldn't have to scrub a toilet to show that I love him
Artchangel 2 years ago
also: just run this errand for me, it'll only take you 15 minutes and you're already running errands anyway.
Andrea 3 years ago
This is mainly a problem, because a lot of people weren't thought how to do these things for themselves or think it's boring, so they don't want to do it.
Pizzagirl 91 3 years ago
No, those are the reasons why they don't want to do things, nobody WANTS to do these things. Those aren't the reason why they make it a problem for OTHER people. I learnt basically nothing household-related from my parents, since my mother banned everyone from the kitchen to have her peace, and I went to boarding school from age 14, so all I ever had to do was clean my room. I still never expected anyone but myself to be responsible for feeding me and taking care of my place when I finally moved out. Was I overwhelmed? Yes. Was I expecting to have someone pick up the slack? No. It's not a problem to be lazy, it's when you expect others to take responsibility for you when you're a grown person.
Load More Replies... #38
If he's a selfish lover in bed, he'll likely be a selfish partner in life.
LuckyL 3 years ago
I'm still trying to learn this lesson. Or to accept that it's true.
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Dre Mosley 3 years ago
Yes, if he just wants to stick it in, pound away and cum and doesn't care if you do or not, that's a problem.
S Mi 3 years ago
Yes. Although don't mistake selfishness for lack of experience or never having learned. Especially when it comes to a partner with different parts. Sometimes Worth the investment to teach (and can be fun too)
Shane S 3 years ago
Agree. P*rn has taught a lot of guys some very bad habits. And that’s completely unintentional. A lot of guys think they can just do one thing in bed and satisfy their partner completely. That’s rarely the case.
Load More Replies... Shane S 3 years ago
Also remember that a lot of guys learned their “moves” from p*rn. And that has been reinforced by women in their lives who fake it or don’t provide any feedback. Don’t fake it, ladies. You’re not helping yourself or the woman after you. If he can’t handle constructive feedback, you don’t want him anyway.
Steve Robert 3 years ago
I always strived to make my lover feel as good as possible. By pleasing her gave me the best sex possible. That's what you do when you truly love a woman
Susan Teter 3 years ago
That's why vibrators were invented...they have 5 speeds and they don't talk back.
Pizzagirl 91 3 years ago
And if you both can't COMMUNICATE your sexual needs and desires, it will be hard for you when you've got something more important than orgasms to work towards.
Cara G 3 years ago
It means that your partner is only interested in and focused on their own pleasure and their own experience instead of the shared intimacy of sex and making sure that both of you are enjoying it and are comfortable. Both (or all if it's a group sitch) should be equally involved in the encounter.
Load More Replies... #39
Sober men trying to pick up super drunk women.
FakeOptimist 3 years ago
I think you mean abuse. Deviance is a kink, something different. Picking up someone unable to say yes or no is abuse. Unless you're the designated driver.
Load More Replies... Katie Andrews 3 years ago
They want to score, they know she's out of their league, so they look for a way in when she's not in her right mind and not on guard. This is coercion, and it's predatory.
Oskar vanZandt 3 years ago
And without consent it's rape. Rape is a crime.
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#40
No one mentioned doing menial tasks like laundry or unloading the dishwasher solely for being rewarded with sex.
Stephanie Did It 3 years ago
Sex should never be offered as a reward nor withheld as a penalty by either partner, ever. It is not a commodity.
K Y 3 years ago
Nobody "withholds sex as a penalty," if they aren't interested in having sex then they shouldn't. Males who think women don't have sex with them as some sort of punishment are HUGE red flags. Frankly speaking, if a male does domestic labour because he thinks he's going to get some reward out of it, he's acting like a child, I'm not attracted to children, therefore I do not want to have sex with him.
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Jordi Sharpe 3 years ago
Sex is a mutual thing. It's not a treat or a cudgel. This is how you weaponize sex. That's unhealthy.
Oskar vanZandt 3 years ago
Sharing household tasks and responsibilities are part of a balanced relationship... a "we're in this together" attitude.
vglw 3 years ago
In our home, I cook, he does the dishes. He does the laundry and I fold and put away. I dust, he does the vacuuming. We both work on shoveling snow. We both contribute to menial tasks, big stuff and caring for the other. We both live here (in the house) so we both take care of it and each other. The only way it should be!
Jill Bussey 3 years ago
It was a commodity. Decorating a room = sex. Working on my car = sex. He's bored = sex. Everything. Every night. For many years. I waited until the chikdren were old enough to understand and left. So much wasted time and energy.
Robin OConnor 3 years ago
BUT...if there's anything that isn't mutually enjoyable there's nothing wrong with a little quid pro quo. My husband paid $$ for 'special favors '.
Catch 22ish 3 years ago
Sooo aggravating. And wanting/expecting lots of praise for doing things you do all the time without the applause. 'Did you see I did the dishes'? Didn't I do a good job? Bet you weren't expecting me to do the dishes tonight! There were a lot, but I wanted to do it for you!
#41
Men aren’t nearly as complicated as women want them to be. Listen to their words. Take note of their actions. Notice what they don’t do and don’t say. I’ve always had female friends and it blows my mind how often women seem to believe that an a*****e is just pretending and there’s actually prince in there waiting to come out.
El Dee 3 years ago
Wise words. Beneath the surface there isn't anything else. I don't mean offence by this I just mean that what you see is what you get..
Lama 3 years ago
I agree that actions speak louder than words, but let's not prolong this fairytale that men don't/can't have a rich emotional life.
Load More Replies... Wondering Alice 3 years ago
I'm thinking all those fairy tails about kissing frogs has been programming girls to think like this for a long time.
Luna Crow 3 years ago
Absolutely agree about watching the words and actions. Watch closely though. I'm friends with a decent number of men who aren't really a******s, but they pretend in order to cover up their vulnerability, because of toxic masculinity. In reality they're actually teddy bears who are afraid to be mistaken for "weak"
Mistiekim 3 years ago
As a young teen my favorite soap opera couple consisted of the man who didn’t want to admit his feelings for the woman. You knew how much he loved her, she knew it, and she finally was able to get him to show her how much he did. I was impressionable and thought this was how relationships worked from then on. I finally figured out how crazy that is.
Poeha 3 years ago
Or Doris Day and Rock Hudson. The guy with loads of women, who changes because he meets her.
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Artchangel 2 years ago
Maya Angelou says: when he tells you who he is, believe him the first time.
#42
Men who make fun of the way someone looks , especially older men . Many guys do this when they are young and obnoxious but most grow out of it . You can have the thought that someone is butt ugly , but you keep it to yourself . Or at least you should . Takes maturity and the realization that people are born who they are, and not all of them are eye candy. It’s gross for the person on the receiving end, and it makes the guy saying it look like a mean spirited d**k.
Connie Bonneville 3 years ago
My ex had a guy friend that did this... he was obese and very unattractive but as soon as he saw a woman who was slightly chubby he was super critical. Can't stand that guy.
Veru Jaros 3 years ago
My family all hated on one streamed I was friends with and I couldn't tell them to f**k off, so I moved from them. My health is getting better
#43
The men who are 40 plus but still act like they are just fresh out of high school. Spend money like it’s no tomorrow without a plan for the future. Looks at every girl as a score or a fun time , flakes on you for games or to hang with the bros and thinks of his own self over you.
Chich 3 years ago
I knew a guy (late 30s) who took his wife to the hospital to deliver their first child. Stayed with her a few hours and then left for a fishing trip with his buds because "we've been planning it for a long time". At least he says nothing bad about her but he can't understand why he is now divorced.
Pizzagirl 91 3 years ago
I often get this vibe when guys past 40 still put their hair in gel spikes... Like, dude, you're at an age where it's not likely to be discovered for a boy band anymore, please just wash your hair...
#44
Acholholics are not the best bet
Rahul Pawa 3 years ago
Could probably be generalized to "addicts are not the best bet." There's a heck of a lot more addictions than alcohol. I'd stay away from any kind of addict if possible.
Spocks's Mom 3 years ago (edited)
Slippery slope that my husband and I rode for years. I got tired of drinking and how it was destroying our lives and I almost left the man I loved more than most anyone. He admitted himself to treatment, completed it ( his counselor said it's rare to see someone finish the whole program), and we have both been sober since March. I am so proud of him and it actually made me feel important when he quit. I wanted him to quit because of how important he is to me. I know there's a chance of restating but so far, so great!
Kaa 3 years ago
Alcoholism isn't that easy to define in a society that sets drinking alcohol for celebration and holidays as normal, that's the problem. It's so easy to hide that you have a drinking problem
Rahul Pawa 3 years ago
The short definition is when someone really wants to stop and they find they can't (or suddenly finds a reason to keep drinking). Another way to put it is that an alcoholic can't control AND enjoy alcohol at the same time. Either they control it and don't enjoy it, or they enjoy it and don't control it. There's a great book available free online that can help someone understand it better, Google "AA Big Book" to find it.
Load More Replies... Jordi Sharpe 3 years ago
I mean, that's a generalization that's pretty hurtful. I know plenty of addicts who have cleaned up and gone on to have healthy families. If you mean active alcoholics and addicts, then yes, I agree. And I would even go as far as to say that anyone getting into a relationship with a recovered addict should always be cautious, because sobriety can disappear in a heartbeat. But writing off people who struggled with addiction is pretty miserable.
Shane S 3 years ago
Defining someone as an addict is a relative term. When you suspect someone has a problem, just decide, right then and there, what is acceptable behavior and what is not, and STICK TO IT! Going out with the guys every Wednesday might be not preferable but could be tolerable. Spending rent money on bourbon may not be. But decide going in because the longer you stay, the more your boundaries move and more complacent you get. I don’t agree with writing someone off instantly unless you truly thought it through.
FoodieBeck 3 years ago
This is true, depending on each partner's stage of change (or not changing). Been there done this. It could have been a total disaster but thankfully, for me, it was just a tremendous heart ache. I am not the doctor.
censorshipsucks 3 years ago (edited)
Yep, dating one now. She's fine when she's not drinking but as soon as she hits about 3rd or 4th hardtack drink, she rambles, doesn't engage properly in conversation, makes a mess in the kitchen and doesn't clean it up, laughs and dismisses me when I speak. Not good. Going to post an ultimatum soon.
AgedViolet 3 years ago
Whatever problems there are in the relationship will NOT improve after the wedding ceremony. In fact, without professional intervention, they will only get exponentially worse.
#45
A green flag to look for is long term friendships. Long term friends require good communication skills and emotional intelligence. It's also a pretty good indicator that they're willing to compromise for someone's emotional needs.
Swoosh Loops 3 years ago
My(f20) husband and I were good friends from the age of 12 , we started dating when we were 17, and will have been married for a year December 28th:) he went to basic training and we picked right back up when he had a little access to his phone in AIT. We watched girlfriends (I only ever dated girls) come and go for years, never a thought expressed that we should date until age 17!
Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
That is a very good point. I also like to see them get tipsy/drunk and see which side of the personality comes out. That’s what will show under stress.
Lupita Nyong'heaux 3 years ago
yup! as the saying goes, "drunk people tell no tales"
Load More Replies... Sarah Cagley 3 years ago
My husband and I were friends for almost 2 years before we got together. He is the love of my life and the king of my heart. He is my best friend. We have been together for over 10 years now.
DragonflyGreen 3 years ago
Not always a sure-fire indicator. If he has long-term friends, but they constantly check on you when he is out of earshot, that is a huge red flag for you.
Alan Christensen 3 years ago
Ah, but many of my long-term friends were friends because we didn't need to talk much.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 3 years ago
Didn't even like hubby at first. Then we were friends for 2 years. Married 25 years now, together 29
#46
When you have to cater to his needs/wants over your own with no compromise. It can be something as only watching shows that he wants or doing things only he wants to do or ordering takeout that only he likes.
Lisa H 3 years ago
And big stuff, like moving to a different city because he wants to and is going to, with or without you. Remember, you are still two people, but you share one life, if that makes sense. The one life that you two share also means your input and desires matter, too. If he's unwilling to find a compromise that makes you both happy, then he's too selfish for your own good.
Oskar vanZandt 3 years ago
And that can all hinge on previous, smaller non-compromises on his part.
Load More Replies... Alan Christensen 3 years ago
But I learned you can take it too far in the other direction. I deferred to my former wife on so many things, either because I wanted her to have what she preferred or because I really had no preference on the matter at hand. She took it to mean nothing mattered to me, that I was weak and unwilling to defend my opinions.
Memere 3 years ago
I was just going to say that - being indecisive, not speaking up for one's own needs/wants is bad too. If the partner is perceived as a "doormat", it's just as bad.
Load More Replies... censorshipsucks 3 years ago
Yep, I have this as well. I lost my s**t about it a few weeks ago, told her, we either alternate episodes or we only watch stuff we both want to watch, or we watch separately.
Teddy O'Malley 3 years ago
I still wanna throw up when I hear the Family Guy theme song. he had to have it on...all day every day...he did not care what I wanted to watch.
#47
If he doesn't want to talk about awkward stuff while you are dating, then he might not want to talk about awkward problems in the relationship.
EDIT: It is interesting how people make their own interpretation of things. I never gave any definition of "awkward," nor did I specify any timelines, but some folks seem to cherry pick the definitions they want, so they can discount this.
Unfortunately, it doesn't change the core concept. If you are dating someone, and they have stinky socks they leave lying around (instead of going into the laundry), that's an awkward topic. If one person talks about how much they want to be a parent to their own biological kids, and the other knows they don't want children, that's an awkward topic.
Humans do have a tendency to try to avoid stuff that makes them uncomfortable, or scares them. We tend to hope problems will go away if we leave them alone. I've talked to a lot of friends who got divorced, who thought their partner would change after marriage.
You don't need to give your intimate autobiography on a first date, but if you see an obvious issue, like the children example, there's no point in waiting a while to point it out.
BeepBeepBoopBoop 3 years ago
yea if one person wants children and the other doesn't... I don't think that's gonna work my dude
Dónal Ó Murchadha 3 years ago
he needs a bread board and they should close that kettle....... kids these days
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Sarah Cagley 3 years ago
Not having a conversation about fundamental ideological differences in a relationship is a killer. Communication is key! Never make assumptions
Eh-non-o-mous 3 years ago
Hubby of 30 years would just stare at me in helpless silence when I was assertive about something I was unhappy about. By "assertive" I mean I wasn't unpleasant when expressing myself and was respectful of his feelings. He was totally unable to reply. Guess what. Marriage failed and this basically defined the communication style in the relationship. Oops.
Dónal Ó Murchadha 3 years ago
The edit made this all the weirder! DONT TRY AND CHANGE PEOPLE! Thanks for listening!
#48
When a man talks way more than they listen.
Agent 8433599 3 years ago
Personally, i kinda think that this depends on context. Like if he's super social, or if he has a bunch of friends or something. IDK
Mama Penguin 3 years ago
That's true. But some people talk over others and they just hear what the others are saying, but not really listening.
Load More Replies... Michael Largey 3 years ago
For some people, conversation is divided into two parts - talking and waiting to talk.
Teddy O'Malley 3 years ago
I once went on a date with a man who wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise. he would finish his thought and move onto the next one. He was basically monologuing.
FeelingFrisky 3 years ago
My ex would proudly announce (around my friends and family) how he did not listen to a word I said. Even made the carlie brown school teacher sound. Yeah. 29 yrs. I am the stupid f**k he always said I was. Thanks BP. I SEE HIM NOW.
Alan Christensen 3 years ago
What about the ones who rarely talk, mostly just listen and observe?
Poeha 3 years ago
My uncle said a few words now and then. My aunt talked non stop. They were a cute couple. It can be a problem though. Reminds me of that guy from my girl. He's so funny. https://youtu.be/jZ4CSzeHO9M
Load More Replies... Dónal Ó Murchadha 3 years ago
nonsense! he maybe talkative. if we applied the same rule to most women we'd all be single!
#49
If he has kids that he's not allowed to see...
Crazy catz 3 years ago
I actually disagree on this one, I have a friend that stopped her kids seeing their dad because he got into another relationship, mothers can be just as toxic, it isn't always the dads fault
Kaa 3 years ago
If it's the case that the mother blocks him from seeing his children, I would at least expect him to take legal actions. If he just shrugs it off because "too much hassle", then he's also TA.
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Dre Mosley 3 years ago
As in court ordered not allowed to see or. . .the mother is being difficult and wielding the kids as a weapon making it damn near impossible for him to get time with them? I've witnessed that one more than once. That being said, no matter the case, it's still drama you should avoid.
Billie Templeton 3 years ago
And definitely google prospective dates. I know a man who is a CONVICTED CHILD MOLESTR and his mug shot pops up... but he still has no problem getting dates or finding women WITH CHILDREN who let him move in with them. I'm like...WTF is wrong with these moms?
Erica Knapp 3 years ago
I think it should read: If he has kids he CHOOSES not to see... same can go for women to.
Teddy O'Malley 3 years ago
Not necessarily. I was talking to a guy who was not allowed to see his children. He ended up going after a 14yo when we stopped talking. yeah, he was like that.
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ToGo 3 years ago
One of my friends isn't allowed to see his kids, but man does he fight tooth and nail to try. His ex is bitter and is using the kids as a weapon. I've met her and seen them together when they were still a couple - she's the issue. So, this one isn't always a red flag. Use your judgement.
BeepBeepBoopBoop 3 years ago
why? If he's not allowed to see his kids, something's up. Whether it be court ordered, or a crazy ex.
Load More Replies... #50
If they don't like dinosaurs.
ToGo 3 years ago
It's okay if they don't like dinosaurs, it's if they don't believe they existed for me 🚩
Spocks's Mom 3 years ago
My inlaws are sevens and they even believe in dinosaurs. I have met some of their fellow parishioners, however, and they actually think god put fake dinosaur bones in the ground to test the faith of the world.
Load More Replies... Chich 3 years ago
This is just a sad fact of life. The older you get nobody cares what your favourite dinosaur is. Then grandkids come along :)
#51
My great grandmother always said: make a guy very drunk. Does he become nicer and nicer or more aggressive. Avoid the latter, or are mor cautious. It's still used as a test in my family.
HangryHangryHippo 3 years ago
Hahaha, once I went out with friends and came home quite late. My (then) bf had opened a bottle of whiskey that originally bought because the bottle looked nice, and seemed that the content tasted nice too... I was welcomed by a pillow to the face, and we got in a pillow fight at 3am. This was ~5 ago, we celebrated our 3rd anniversary this year. I love him to bits
BeepBeepBoopBoop 3 years ago
omg I think I'm watching too much true crime. "I was welcomed by a pillow to the face", I literally just saw home trying to suffocate you... maybe I should go to sleep
Load More Replies... Dónal Ó Murchadha 3 years ago
this is nonsense and an awful way to judge people. also if somebody needs to be drunk to be nicer to you......RUN!
#52
If they don't believe in or make fun of platonic friendships between men and women.
oboe lover (he/they <3) 3 years ago
or they "ship" you or others!! leave that with the 8 year olds on the playground!!
#53
If he never really seems to apologize for anything, even if you both know he’s clearly in the wrong. Ex. I’m sorry you feel that way.
El Dee 3 years ago
Other example, 'I'm sorry IF you FEEL offended' No, it should be, 'Sorry, I have offended you'
Poeha 3 years ago
Not if it's just the truth and he did nothing wrong. An ex said sorry when I was in the wrong, cause his ex taught him that. Why do you say sorry? You don't have to say sorry to me. You did nothing wrong.
Load More Replies... Rahul Pawa 3 years ago
Add to this, if the apology always comes with an excuse or justification.
#54
constantly indirect, it's leaving wiggle room so he can claim he wasn't lying later.
oboe lover (he/they <3) 3 years ago
dude my ex girlfriend used to do this all the time,, english wasn't their first language so i gave them the benifit of the doubt most of the time until i realized they were just telling half truths being indirect all the time ://
#55
Emotional reactivity, anger, blaming and shaming in arguments or times stress. Get out now!
#56
He is not liked by basically any other guy, only women. Can’t tell you how many douchebags I’ve met that are suddenly charismatic as soon as a girl he wants to f**k/her friends are around.
oboe lover (he/they <3) 3 years ago (edited)
additionally: ive seen guys act way differently around gay girls than straight ones!! ladies, be careful!! guys are shitshows!!
#57
He says he doesn’t know why his marriage ended.
Poeha 3 years ago
No one guy had absolutely no clue why his kids and stepkids hated him. He barked at my son once and out he went.
Load More Replies... FakeOptimist 3 years ago
Well, if he is just incredibly stupid but good looking and you want a holiday fling or something...
#58
As someone who is VERY guilty of this: focusing a ton on you and your needs, but hardly paying attention to their own. Someone like this can come across as sweet, selfless, and caring, but they're actually avoiding their own problems to focus on yours. You're not a partner to them, you're a distraction, and even they themselves may not realize it.
FakeOptimist 3 years ago
Yep, totally relatable. Wich is why I don't want a relationship now : I need to invest in myself first. Disappointed someone I really like but she respects it.
Argle Bargle 3 years ago
I believe in you. And the time spent working on yourself will be time well spent. Good luck 🍀
Load More Replies... Haywood Jablome 3 years ago
As someone up to his neck in abandonment issues, it's extremely difficult to love myself when there's no significant other. I over-care for others because I'm not worth being taken care of myself, is probably how my subconscious works. Parents suck.
#59
Men who get triggered easily like screaming and cursing at other drivers on the road
Stephanie Did It 3 years ago
The way a person reacts to others while driving, drinking, or in pain is a huge window into their true personality!
Bianca Saville 3 years ago (edited)
Not sure about this. Both me and my husband get cross at other drivers and we've been happily married for 35 years. In fact I challenge you to drive in London's rush 'hour' and not get peeved. We don't actually shout at the other drivers. We shout about them, e.g. "Why's that idiot trying to cut in"
Dónal Ó Murchadha 3 years ago
Everybody I know is angrier behind the wheel of a car. its the only place I have heard my mother swear. Dont think this is a good measure tbh.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 3 years ago
Hubby has gotten bad as we've gotten older (he's 60). Nobody knows how to drive as far as he's concerned 🙄
Poeha 3 years ago
That'll go away in 20 years. My dad always said: it's either a woman or an old man, when someone was slow. Lol in his 80s he drove us. He drove so slow. They took away his driver's license.
Load More Replies... #60
Love Bombing.
If you guys aren’t in high school struck by puppy-love, this is just a manipulation tactic.
Just my opinion, but somebody who respects the women or men they’re dating aren’t going to tel you they love you and see a future with you in the first couple of weeks.
the Return of Bruno 3 years ago
I disagree with that last paragraph. Sometimes people just know. The red flag would be if he's making all sorts of plans without any signal from you that you're also there.
LazyPanda 3 years ago (edited)
Agreed. Some people who "fall" too fast are major flags. Either emotionally immature, just looking for "passion" and enamored feelings that will eventually fizzle out when you do something that reminds them you're human. But then there are other people who don't want to play games, are very honest, and are excited about you. Maybe the best way to differentiate is to observe other areas in their life and their other relationships. Are they constantly changing? Is there mess and instability, or signs of selfishness? Relationships with high turnover (including friends, family)? Then probably stay away.
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Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 3 years ago
Hubby says he knew the day we met that he was going to marry me. The day we met I called him an a$$hole. He didn't tell me for several years
Squirrelly Panda 3 years ago
The vast majority of people need time to learn whether or not the relationship has a long term chance, but there are the rare "love at first sight" couples. I know a couple, been married for a 3+ decades so far, that married just 2 weeks after meeting. They are the exception. Also, neither love bombed the other, they hit it off in nearly every way, enjoying each other's company as friends as well as physical attraction. But again, very much the exception. One in ten thousand couple.
Dónal Ó Murchadha 3 years ago
you dont understand respect or get that people, all 7 billion of us are not all like you. and thats ok too! some struggle with commitment and openness;)
#61
Don't ever be fooled by how a man treats you. Look at how he treats unattractive women and other men.
#62
Just like jobs there's a 90day probationary period. I've hired people who interviewed great worked great for a month or 2, then the racism, laziness or any other massive issue rears its ugly head. This is the same for relationships. Especially since it biologically takes us about 90days to truly experience love on a chemical brain level.
#63
Men, on the whole, don’t change. You cannot fix us. We are not a project and will resent you for trying. We are who you see and not much more. If you like us at first glance, and like us more when you get to know us, that is who we are. If after a few dates something is tickling the back of your mind, PAY ATTENTION! Follow that instinct.
K Y 3 years ago
And when you DO show your real self and the woman leaves, don't blame her for not being interested. If this is a pattern, work on yourself. If you're not willing to work on yourself, learn to come to terms with the fact that you're likely to not have a woman in your life.
Dónal Ó Murchadha 3 years ago
I think it's you who needs to work on yourself. nobody should change who they are so you can be happy. you take care of your own happiness and dont be so entitled and selfish.
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Kristy Nelson 3 years ago
Sometimes there's not a concrete sign of abuse, which makes it extremely difficult. Just knowing that you are incredibly tense and stressed when the person is around versus when they're not is more than a good enough reason. Then when you are able to distance yourself a bit you start to notice a little more. Trust yourself and how you feel. You don't need a trip to the hospital to have been abused. Sometimes it's purely mental or sexual and that absolutely counts.
#64
If he never admits when he’s wrong, even when it comes to things that don’t matter he’s likely a narcissist
#65
If they say things along the lines of "I don't deserve you, you should have someone better, everybody always leaves me, etcetera" it's a f*****g warning
Gem 3 years ago
Unfortunately I am like this but not because I do bad things in relationships but because I have no self esteem and really believe those things 😔
🤣🤣🤣 (Me while reading bp) 3 years ago
I really hope it gets better for you. When your ready work on the reasons why you feel like this/where it came from. Believe me you will feel a whole lot better and life will open up to you. My thoughts are with you🤗
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Sami-Jo Ross 3 years ago
My self esteem has been so thoroughly destroyed that if I start spiraling, I normally try to tell my fiancee she should be with someone else--because my ex who caused me to develop severe anxiety and depression ingrained it into me that no one should be with a neurotic mess like me.
#66
Lots of gossip. If he talks about other people, he'll talk about you.
#67
Best to wait for him to get over his issues with his mother before starting a relationship
PiscesMama 3 years ago
I was waiting to find a family related flag! I’d add…if he has moved back to his parents (in these economic times it can be understandable) but if they don’t trust him with a key to their house? Oh that’s a bad sign. Or that his sister won’t let him know where she lives and they haven’t spoken for 3 years! That’s exactly what I have done to my brother who was violent and abusive…it wasn’t so much a red flag as a screaming siren! He was also oddly generous, I’m fiercely independent and he wouldn’t take my refusal to accept help/things…but I felt he was trying to put me in a position of owing him. Bad news dude.
#68
If they like to solve problems with violence then just keep in mind that you may be the source of problems at some point.
#69
This is gonna get buried under the comments, but if you have a problem with him, and he responds with "actually, I have a much bigger problem" and basically victimises himself, that's manipulation. A lot of other signs of manipulation are hard to see when it's done to you, but this one is very bold and blatant, and if he does this, you can be almost entirely sure that he manipulated you all this time in smaller ways without you realising. Never, ever date someone who is capable and good at manipulating people. It's not a one time thing. It's a habit.
#70
ITT: the most obvious red flags listed in every red flags post. I think being passive aggressive is a way bigger deal than people think.
oboe lover (he/they <3) 3 years ago
passive agressive is different than petty!! if he plays little pranks, be mindfull of his action, if he humiliates you, leave him!!
#71
If he seems "dangerous," it's probably because he is. Don't think you're the One Girl who's going to step in and save him from himself. He'll cause you nothing but trouble and you'll only have yourself to blame.
Daffydillz' Cold Contagious 3 years ago
The only person you have the power to change in this world is yourself.
#72
Many many men only know how to "relationship flirt".
They will say things like "im looking for something long term" when really they just want to hook up.
#73
If he's not kind to strangers like people in service industry. Chances are he's hiding his true character when he's with you and it'll eventually converge to how he treats others.
#74
If he’s the type of person who “hates everyone (except you),” he’s not a good guy. the “bad boy” archetype isn’t real, he just thinks he’s better than everyone and as you stop being useful or giving him what he wants, he’ll turn on you too. edit: punctuation.
#75
If they play video games religiously. At first you will say “at least they aren’t going out or I don’t have to worry about cheating” then it turns into you living with them and they don’t wanna clean or do anything but game
Moosy Girl 3 years ago
It works if you both do it. Nobody will want to come to your house though… :p
Ches Yamada 3 years ago
Define constantly..? In our household we both play a lot of hours a day, but we also make sure to do what needs to get done, often helpung each other so we can go back to gaming faster! Like Moosy Girl said, it works if you both do it.
Aureliana 3 years ago
Agreeing with Moosy & Ches here. As a gamer, having been in a happy relationship with another gamer, so long as you are in agreement that each person's basic needs are met and no one is doing extra work so the other gets to spend more time gaming (except on birthdays, that's a special gift that's worth more than anything money can buy 💜) then there's no issue. I'd rather raid or explore new worlds or make it to the top of the Leaderboard with my beloved than go out and do stuff.
#76
Over pleasers. They never seem to have their own opinion especially if it conflicts with yours. “Yes men” are for corporations not relationships
oboe lover (he/they <3) 3 years ago (edited)
i do this because i have some abandonment issues,,, mostly by giving people little gifts, drawings, but it is overwhelming for people and a turn off :< im working on it trying not to be so clingly
Anička 3 years ago
I don't want to overstep, but i think it would be better to work on fixing your abandonment issues than just fixing your behaviors. I have abandonment issues too - other people don't see them but I'm still miserable. (Yes, I'm working on them.). Attachment theory is a good place to start if you're curious.
Load More Replies... #78
If a guy tells me about all the girls he’s f****d without being asked…great job man. You just confirmed that you tricked alll of those girls and you suck for revealing their business.
Kise Miarse 3 years ago
I think it's more about the bragging. Shows little respect for the women.
Load More Replies... #79
If he is the hero of all his stories or his stories often end with the idea that people doubted him but it turns out he was right all along. If he talks about work and always seems to save the day with his exceptional skills or knowledge. If he repeats stories in which others compliment him. These kinds of narratives speak to someone who is trying to reassure themselves when in fact they have deep self doubt. Someday you will be the focus of these stories where you wrongly doubted him or were a helpless damsel in distress who was saved by his amazing abilities.
El Dee 3 years ago
Everyone is the hero in their own story. The stories where they were wrong, didn't save the day or were the bad guy are told by someone else..
Sonja 3 years ago
No, that's not true. A healthy adult will talk about this stuff too to receive comfort from their friends or to amuse them if the mishap was funny. They'll at least share their mishaps to comfort their friends if they botched something and feel bad about it. My moms favourite story was when she baked a bread and forgot the yeast and how my father very unhappily chewed the doughy mass and pretended it was great. And my best friend, who has a masters degree talked about how she accidentally botched a study beyond repair when I lost my job due to a stupid mistake. Real and good people own their failures and talk about them. They don't just tell the good stuff, because failure is normal and an inevitable part of life. Pretending it doesn't happen is just stupid and makes you look stupid. Always only talking about successes and pretending to be perfect is unhealthy and unnatural.
Load More Replies... #80
Appearing to be perfect. If someone appears to be perfect, then either you've made up an image of them in your head or they're really good at manipulation
#81
I'd say whining. If a guy tells you how about he was supposed to be - or have - this and that but "got f****d over" , 90% of the time they turn out to be the sort of person that expects things handed to them on a silver platter. Or worse: expect them getting what they want is the norm and get angry when they don't.
#83
Narcissists might seem attractive and charismatic, but it's not because they're special. It's because they're narcissists. If they find you sexy or convenient, beware of being used.
Negatoris Wrecks 3 years ago (edited)
Don't underestimate the gross ways they'll do it, either. My ex was still milking me "cheating" (long story, I broke up with him. He kept telling everyone we were still together. ) 8 years after the fact. He has gotten lots of great places to crash, jobs, free drinks, pity, a car, and people to harass me online or be rude to me at parties, all over me being a big old cheater who broke his heart. I only dated that jerkwad for a little less than 3 months.
rodger coghlan 3 years ago
Ask a narcissist "on a scale of 1 to 5, how much of a narcissist are you" they will actually say '5'
#84
Sort of the opposite, but in my life I've found that people who constantly read are more open to new ideas, changing themselves, and (perhaps a negative) buying a c**p-load of books.
#85
If their respect and decency is contingent upon liking that person then it is not genuine respect/decency. Means they dont see respect as a basic requirement but as a conditional perk/privilege free to be withdrawn should you get on his bad side. This goes for everyone really. Plenty of women will happily say flatly disrespectful stuff about others but save those they like as the "exception". Its generally good to avoid such people altogether...but I see it a lot more in men and it can be hard to catch when you're in relationship twilight and they always kind of "like" you. Good rule of thumb, look for how they treat people whom they are neutral or even antagonistic with. It's as the saying goes "you arent really an ally if your slurs are reserved for your enemies".
Sonja 3 years ago
Adding to this: if they're dismissive of other people's passions because they don't share them or behave as if liking something irrelevant like pineapple on pizza has any merit as an indicator of character. Also be on your tiptoes if they're overly judgemental about stuff and dismiss it as 'childish' or 'immature' although liking or disliking it is nothing more than a personal quirk. Those people judge others by superficial traits and will be neglectful if you ask them for help with something that's important to you but not to them. They will kill your plants, let your pets starve or use your favourite mug that was the last gift from a deceased relative to clean their dirty paintbrushes. They will hurt you left and right and excuse their recklessness by you having silly passions and being overdramatic.
H.J. carlson 3 years ago
I hope you have a better life. There has to be better than what you went through. Be strong and be safe 🐱
Load More Replies... #86
If he never disagrees with you, it means he’s putting in a show. Be prepared for that to change at some point.
#87
attempts at “rapport”, this is different, subtle but different, to normal discourse. An active attempt to create a connection as quickly as possible without the other party noticing. It is used by everyone in marketing, think used car salesman. Instead of trying to express themselves or listen to a woman, they will instead focus on points, mirror tones and use language as if a connection has already happened. if you ever think to yourself, “this man is charming” reword it to use the word in it’s original format, a verb. ”this man is charming me.” And if that makes you feel even a bit off, perhaps a step back and a second date are due before you jump into a one night stand.
#88
If they genuinely get angry when their team loses. Or if they lose a game. Most men don't do this.
#90
I would suggest a list of questions around self care, self reflection, the ability to recognize mistakes and the ability to talk about his emotions. What kind of reason would you need to go to therapy? What are the personal teachings of your past relationships? What did you change? Why? What is according to you a good emotional connection? What was the biggest fight of your past relationship where you changed your stance later on?
Kise Miarse 3 years ago
This feels more like an interview or interrogation. It's an aggressive approach, and there are better ways to discover these things about a person.
#91
He doesn't have a good relationship with his sister/s. The way a man treats his sister is indicative of how he's going to treat you. If he's protective of his sister, you also should expect that he's going to be protective of you. If he shits on his sister, he's going to s**t on you. You may ask, why not his mother? She would be in a position of authority over him that may have required respect or respect was given, as a result of her providing the essentials for him to survive to maturity.
Jai Stewart 3 years ago
Not strictly true. What if the relationship between them is bad because of her behaviour?
dar Rah 3 years ago
True. I'm NC with my mother, which has been used as an indicator before. My wife is very happy about that arrangement.
Load More Replies... TotallyNOTaFox 3 years ago
I disagree with that, as somebody with an older sister - the s**t she did to me over the years is bad enough, that she thinks of me as loser while she's the one constantly needing help from others and always guilt tripping people if she doesn't get what she wants are more than enough reasons to absolutely not being on her side
#92
If they like or act like Andre Tate, run as far as way as you can
Jen Hart 3 years ago
OP probably means "Andrew Tate," an influencer who's famous for his misogyny.
Load More Replies...
#93
If it seems like they text back super fast all the time and get annoyed when you don’t reply fast enough. They may be overly clingy and may be the jealous type who will constantly be paranoid about you cheating.
Viper Dogfish 3 years ago
Nah, I just f*****g hate leaving a text unanswered for long. The faster I text back, the better. Don't give a f**k if the other person doesn't reply immediately, but I HAVE to text back ASAP
Kel_how 3 years ago
This comes out quickly in online dating. I've had multiple guys get annoyed that I didn't text back immediately. I don't text at work unless it's to a coworker about work. I'll text freely after I leave work, but my life doesn't revolve around my phone or a person I've never even met.
What do you think ?
XenoMurph 3 years ago
I used to know a bloke who would interrupt his GF all the time. Some thought would pop into his head and he would just say it even if he she was midsentence. It was very disrespectful to her. One day someone pointed it out. He was devastated, he just hadn't realised he was doing it. He loved his GF, 20 years and 3 kids later, he loves his wife. And is still overly polite when she speaks, for those of us who knew him back then it's kinda cute ot see after all this time. Some things are not red flags, some things are just people being imperfect and thoughtless. And they will get more socially and emotionally able as time goes on. I don't want to imagine how many little things I do that some person might see as a red flag. And I bet most people reading this will have some too.
Lauren Caswell 3 years ago
Disclaimer: I'm saying this before I have to see it, due to recent trends. This is a list of messages from men, about men, written as advice for women. Yes we know men experience this. https://www.respect.uk.net/articles/international-men-s-day-supporting-male-victims-of-domestic-abuse You are free to publish your own articles here should you wish to represent this. As a side note, I like to see this kind of cooperation/helpfulness from men in general. It is a heartening reminder than despite gender/s@x, we are all people. Looking out for each other, im glad to see it still happens.
The crushinator 3 years ago
I told him i didn't feel any chemistry and he turned me into a newt!!
Load More Replies... Shane S 3 years ago
Be wary of homophobia. I’m biased because I’m gay but I’m saying this, ladies, because a homophobic man is usually insecure in his masculinity and has some clearly defined gender stereotypes that is usually accompanied by misogyny. I’m not saying he has to hang out with all your gay friends on the weekend, but he just has to be cool and accepting in allowing others to live their lives. It’s a sign of security and emotional maturity.
Tams21 3 years ago
One of the better analogies I've heard is that the first few dates (and begining of a relationship) can be compared to a job interview - you're on your best behaviour. If you see red flags then, run! It will only get worse! (I haven't read through all 93 of these so I don't know if it's already been said)
Kel_how 3 years ago
Here's a green flag: he has pets that are treated really well. If he has a dog, it's trained and socialized. If he has a cat, he plays with it and it has cat trees and other enrichment. If he can show love and responsibility for an animal, he's very likely a good guy!
Oskar vanZandt 3 years ago
Immanuel Kant: "He who is cruel to animals becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals".
Load More Replies...
wowbagger 3 years ago
I've dated several people who claim, with pride, that they never get angry. They're just so laid back and accepting that they never feel anger. All of them ended up being very passive-aggressive.
Alan Jay Weiner 3 years ago
I know a guy who used to be very angry. About anything he disagreed with. He worked very *very* hard to change. He now controls his anger, talks when he gets angry, and walks away if he can't talk at that moment. He's a very cool guy now.
Load More Replies...
Sonja 3 years ago
If he's not telling anything substantial about himself and even after several dates you don't really know anything about him as a person, about any likes or dislikes and he never asked your opinion on anything, then he's not seeing you as a person but just an accessory. He then doesn't value you as a fellow human being but only a subhuman. He will then ignore you whenever something important comes up and mask ot as 'protecting' you.
ToGo 3 years ago
I love and fully appreciate the amount of people who want to give other advice/are sharing their experiences. However, lots of these points really require your own judgement. I only say this because there will be people out there who use them as rules rather than guidance. If a guy, for example, happens to say "I'd like to think I'm a nice person" that doesn't mean you have to run for the hills right away. Listen to your gut.
Tim 3 years ago
There's a difference between "I'd like to think I'm a nice guy" and repeatedly stating that he IS a nice guy. The first is usually the preface to a question like, "was I wrong about that?" The latter is more like a point being made in an argument.
Load More Replies...
Arabiata Arabiata 3 years ago
Mocking at psysical disabililies is very bad manner, he won't help you when you're in need. Some more red flags: impulse buyer,short-tempered, likes booze / heavy smoker, has no hobbies or to much hobbies.
censorshipsucks 3 years ago
oof my current girlfriend has all four of those. sheesh.
Load More Replies... XenoMurph 3 years ago
I used to know a bloke who would interrupt his GF all the time. Some thought would pop into his head and he would just say it even if he she was midsentence. It was very disrespectful to her. One day someone pointed it out. He was devastated, he just hadn't realised he was doing it. He loved his GF, 20 years and 3 kids later, he loves his wife. And is still overly polite when she speaks, for those of us who knew him back then it's kinda cute ot see after all this time. Some things are not red flags, some things are just people being imperfect and thoughtless. And they will get more socially and emotionally able as time goes on. I don't want to imagine how many little things I do that some person might see as a red flag. And I bet most people reading this will have some too.
Lauren Caswell 3 years ago
Disclaimer: I'm saying this before I have to see it, due to recent trends. This is a list of messages from men, about men, written as advice for women. Yes we know men experience this. https://www.respect.uk.net/articles/international-men-s-day-supporting-male-victims-of-domestic-abuse You are free to publish your own articles here should you wish to represent this. As a side note, I like to see this kind of cooperation/helpfulness from men in general. It is a heartening reminder than despite gender/s@x, we are all people. Looking out for each other, im glad to see it still happens.
The crushinator 3 years ago
I told him i didn't feel any chemistry and he turned me into a newt!!
Load More Replies... Shane S 3 years ago
Be wary of homophobia. I’m biased because I’m gay but I’m saying this, ladies, because a homophobic man is usually insecure in his masculinity and has some clearly defined gender stereotypes that is usually accompanied by misogyny. I’m not saying he has to hang out with all your gay friends on the weekend, but he just has to be cool and accepting in allowing others to live their lives. It’s a sign of security and emotional maturity.
Tams21 3 years ago
One of the better analogies I've heard is that the first few dates (and begining of a relationship) can be compared to a job interview - you're on your best behaviour. If you see red flags then, run! It will only get worse! (I haven't read through all 93 of these so I don't know if it's already been said)
Kel_how 3 years ago
Here's a green flag: he has pets that are treated really well. If he has a dog, it's trained and socialized. If he has a cat, he plays with it and it has cat trees and other enrichment. If he can show love and responsibility for an animal, he's very likely a good guy!
Oskar vanZandt 3 years ago
Immanuel Kant: "He who is cruel to animals becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals".
Load More Replies... wowbagger 3 years ago
I've dated several people who claim, with pride, that they never get angry. They're just so laid back and accepting that they never feel anger. All of them ended up being very passive-aggressive.
Alan Jay Weiner 3 years ago
I know a guy who used to be very angry. About anything he disagreed with. He worked very *very* hard to change. He now controls his anger, talks when he gets angry, and walks away if he can't talk at that moment. He's a very cool guy now.
Load More Replies... Sonja 3 years ago
If he's not telling anything substantial about himself and even after several dates you don't really know anything about him as a person, about any likes or dislikes and he never asked your opinion on anything, then he's not seeing you as a person but just an accessory. He then doesn't value you as a fellow human being but only a subhuman. He will then ignore you whenever something important comes up and mask ot as 'protecting' you.
ToGo 3 years ago
I love and fully appreciate the amount of people who want to give other advice/are sharing their experiences. However, lots of these points really require your own judgement. I only say this because there will be people out there who use them as rules rather than guidance. If a guy, for example, happens to say "I'd like to think I'm a nice person" that doesn't mean you have to run for the hills right away. Listen to your gut.
Tim 3 years ago
There's a difference between "I'd like to think I'm a nice guy" and repeatedly stating that he IS a nice guy. The first is usually the preface to a question like, "was I wrong about that?" The latter is more like a point being made in an argument.
Load More Replies... Arabiata Arabiata 3 years ago
Mocking at psysical disabililies is very bad manner, he won't help you when you're in need. Some more red flags: impulse buyer,short-tempered, likes booze / heavy smoker, has no hobbies or to much hobbies.
censorshipsucks 3 years ago
oof my current girlfriend has all four of those. sheesh.
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