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Someone Asks ‘What Do Kids With Helicopter Parents Look Like As Adults?’, And Here Are 30 Illuminating Answers
You've probably heard of helicopter parenting, an approach to raising kids where parents pay extremely close attention to their kids' lives, before.
The chances are you may even know someone who had their mom and dad become overly involved in their lives. You may have experienced it yourself. And while helicopter parents walk the fine line between wanting what’s best for their kids and making their childhood miserable, the practice is still rather common.
Recently, someone on Ask Reddit drew attention to this topic and asked people “What do kids with helicopter parents look like as adults?” The stories started rolling in one by one, and it’s an eye-opening and thought-provoking read you may want to pull your seat closer for.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
My older brother and I both moved out as soon as we turned 18. He moved to the opposite side of the country, I moved three states away. He still keeps low contact and is still on the East Coast. I came back home when I became homeless at 25 and noticed that while we were gone, my mother (the helicopter) had done a lot of soul searching and realized that her controlling nature pushed her kids away.
She's been in Co-Dependents Anonymous for almost eight years now, and I'm happy to say for the first time in my life I enjoy spending time with my mom. Took a bit, but I was able to transition out of low contact.
Kitty 3 years ago
This may be controversial ,but sometimes it's good to have parents who care little bit more ( not the extent to this obviously) Im 26 , and my parents are very responsible but we are so emotionally distant that they are strangers to me who pays for studies but don't even what i like to eat I would be happier to have parents who know what i like to eat rather than parents who pay for my studies
Question everything 3 years ago
Helicopter parents don't just care a little bit more, they are in your face all the time and try to micromanage every aspect of your life, including the intimate one. You are unfortunately coming from the other end of the spectrum where your parents don't care beyond the basic need, and I'm not surprised you're hurting for it. What you're describing is emotional neglect, and it can feel as bad as a physical one. Here, have a virtual hug from me and don't forget you may soon find someone who will fill that need for you, like your future? in-laws. I know it's not the same but the closest thing to parental love
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Candice Cook 3 years ago
Congrats to you and your mother. That level of self awareness in a person that previously saw no issue with their behavior is something to be celebrated as it so rarely plays out that way. It took a lot of years of therapy to get out of the endless codependency cycle for me and I know it's difficult for everyone involved.
To find out more about helicopter parenting and how it affects the wellbeing of a child, Bored Panda spoke with Helen Marlo, a licensed clinical psychologist and Jungian psychoanalyst who provides psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, and consultation. Marlo is also a Professor of Clinical Psychology and the Department Chair at Notre Dame de Namur University. She frequently sees the deleterious effects of this kind of parenting in her clinical work, so she feels passionately about this topic.
Marlo explained that helicopter parenting is destructive because it is a self-involved style of parenting that lacks empathy. “It is dominated by relating through action which takes away from the parent genuinely engaging with the child. This parenting style prevents the child from experiencing which is, often, the best teacher in life.”
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#2
They tried to ground me after I came back from serving in the Marine Corps. Tried to take the keys to the car I own and prevent me from getting an education. Told my mom she can pound dirt and told my dad that if he didn't fix himself and stand up to my overbearing mom, I'd never talk to the two of them again. Then I got in my car and drove off. I was homeless for a minute until I saved enough for an apartment. You'd think that me moving out and being homeless instead of living with them would be the thing that made things click. No. About a year after my move-out, I'd reconnected with my family and agreed to take my mom to her aerobics class one day since her car was in the shop. Well, I drive about 10 minutes before she lays into me about my life choices, etc. I pulled the car over, looked at her, and said, "Get out." She looked stunned. I just repeated myself and added, "Now." She got out. I drove off to my apartment, played some Counter-Strike: Global Offensive, and she got her much-needed exercise.
SuperChicken 3 years ago
Wow. You served in the Marine Corp and your parents still treat you like a child. One thing, though... KUDOS! for standing-up to your parents. I hope they learned their lesson to treat you like an adult from then on.
Mary Hiers 3 years ago
I can't imagine "grounding" a former Marine! I'm glad he stood up to his parents.
Lucas Tidwell 3 years ago
No such thing as a former marine, once a marine always a marine.
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April Dancer 3 years ago
As you say, preferring being homeless than living with them should have been enough of a wake up call, but, you know what, I bet it never even crossed their minds. You gave them another chance, they took it and slapped you in the face with it. Well done for standing your ground. We all applaud you.
Kbg28 3 years ago
Exactly. Her parents probably chalked it off as being over dramatic or crying out for unnecessary attention instead of the actual problem.
Load More Replies... Kbg28 3 years ago
I was 38 a couple years ago when I decided to leave a very physically abusive relationship (I was starting to sleep in my car as a homeless person to get away from him) Moved back in with my parents... My mom almost tried to ground me during an argument. I am a grown adult. Not a child. I'm in the process of cutting them off. Having to write that letter of, you've pushed me away too much. I'm tired of the bs. Have a good life.
#3
My mom was a pretty bad helicopter mom. I'm 27. I was fortunate to have aunts and uncles who modeled a different kind of parenting when I stayed with them, and good friends in college/just after college who taught me a crash course in life. When I went to college, I couldn't make more than box mac and cheese. I couldn't drive. I had never done my own laundry. Phone calls paralyzed me. Somewhere around age 20-21, it dawned on me that my mom was misrepresenting how scary being an adult was. She made everything more difficult for herself: paying bills by phone instead of automatically, double checking her checkbook by doing the math by hand first and then with a calculator, washing dishes by hand and then putting them in the dishwasher, letting laundry pile up and then doing 5 loads a day for two days.... etc etc. When I payed my own taxes, filed my own FAFSA, unclogged my own drain, and just tried recipes without caring if I messed up, something clicked. You can give many things a try with minimal permanent consequences. Dumber people than me can cook, drive, vote, pay taxes, etc. So why couldn't I? I now have two graduate degrees and am about halfway through a doctorate. I am happily married and do the bulk of the cooking and running the household. I can drive, even though I'm still a fairly nervous driver. I make phone calls all the time. I can have my advisors point out something I did wrong without having a meltdown. I kept a cat alive for two years and she's doing great. I gave my mom's anxiety back to her and let her handle it. I'm doing just fine.
Question everything 3 years ago
That was my first thought. The mom seems to have an undiagnosed issue, she needs help.
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Momma Jess 3 years ago
"Dumber people than me can cook, drive, vote, pay taxes, etc. So why couldn't I?" This 34 year old trainwreck needed to hear that
Quinn Hofmann 3 years ago (edited)
Lol and you corrected the typo this two-times over masters, PhD candidate made without pointing it out
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J L 3 years ago
I am in awe of your ability to take charge of your own life after such an upbringing! P. S. My mother almost had an aneurysm when I put my kids (16 and 12) on the train to visit their sister 600 miles away. They were (of course) fine. My son had his cell phone with him and he knew I trusted him to take care of his sister. I've told her in other situations that I could wrap them in cotton wool and store them in the closet but then they wouldn't have a real life!
Anon Anon 3 years ago
Excellent decision, and I bet the kids had a great time, too!
Load More Replies... SuperChicken 3 years ago
Yay! Congratulations! - and to your upcoming PhD. Keep up the even more fantastic job you're already doing.
Totally happy Panda 3 years ago
This is so wholesome. So happy for how you have shaped your life so wonderfully
#4
Anxious. Suffocated. Helicopter parents have this unrealistic expectations but refuses to accept that their children are now adults.
I'm 23. Last year I rented an apartment near work (I could finally breathe properly) but still I have to text her when I step out of the unit, when I reached the office, when my shift is done and when I finally got home.
If I forgot to text, or if my message didn't go through; she won't stop calling me until I answer. The signal in my apartment is poor so I really have to go outside to get a single bar. One time she kept calling me but I was asleep, and since there's almost no signal then I'm not receiving any of her calls. When I finally went out that's when my phone rang, she told me she's already on her way to my workplace just because I didn't answer her calls.
Now my hand shakes and my heart always drops when I hear a text or call. Even if it's not from her. That's how my mother is affecting me.
E B 3 years ago
I recently heard that 'no' is a complete sentence. Blew my mind a bit.
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Rens 3 years ago
Change your phone number and go no contact. And yes, remember that "No" is a complete sentence. I wish you all the best of luck, you can do this and you will be stronger and better for it x
NotTodaySatan!! 3 years ago
My sister is a diagnosed Narcissist, which makes extreme helicopter situations. When my niece moved out, despite how very much she wanted to, going no contact is really more difficult than those without control issues believe. When we tell people to simply go no contact what they fear is they can't as they need tons of information to survive 1 day in the world, and yet they have no idea what that information is. Why? Because they have been told their entire life only the mom (or whomever the helicopter is) knows it and the child isn't capable of learning what is needed. And anytime they make any tiny mistake they are belittled and it is reinforced how they are incapable and only mom can do it correctly. They don't even really have to make a mistake. Simply not doing something exactly like mom is wrong, even if the endeavor ends perfectly fine with the same outcome. For my sister, my niece opened a checking account by herself at 22. Before this, my sister had insisted she had to be on
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Anjelika 3 years ago
I dread calls from some family members because I feel my energy leaving me straight away
Dara Lynn 3 years ago
Yep, energy vampires! They will suck the very LIFE out of you!
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deanna woods 3 years ago
I text either my mom or my sister every day when I get in my apartment. I do this as a safety measure because my neighbor has been acting weird.
Kisha 3 years ago (edited)
That's a very different situation. I make every effort to speak to my parents daily because we live too far away to see each other often, and they always want to know that I'm ok, especially since I've had a chronic illness since my teens and they like knowing what's going on in my life and vice versa. But I keep up this level of contact because I love, respect, and enjoy my parents immensely, not because they have control and boundary issues. I'm fortunate to have this so im grateful for them every day. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your family, as well, if you let them know you're safe and they want to make sure you're ok. 🤗 I obviously don't know the situation with your neighbor but from experience I can say to trust your gut, and if something is scaring you please trust that instinct. It's very rarely wrong. I would also let your landlord or another neighbor know you're having concerns. If nothing happens, great, but having someone else look out for you is a good idea. Be safe!🍻
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Patricia Thompson 3 years ago (edited)
I’m agreeing with many comments here. Change your phone number, let your HR know that your mother is stalking you, and then let them know that they are to call the police and have her either escorted off the premises or arrested, their choice.
Moreover, helicopter parenting can be especially destructive “because it involves activities that may masquerade as forms of ‘good parenting,’ and involve actions that lead to greater outward success for one’s child,” Marlo argues. She added that this can make it a hard style for parents to modify.
According to the clinical psychologist, helicopter parenting involves actions which are, seemingly, on behalf of the child and their alleged needs. However, in reality, they “more often are motivated by the parent’s own anxieties, expectations, hopes, wishes, and needs.”
#5
* Unwilling/unable to make decisions
* "I didn't do that because nobody directed me to"
* Doesn't take a single step without getting specific approval from someone
* No problem-solving ability whatsoever. Just waits around to be told exactly what to do
Sunny Ferragamo 3 years ago
I was like this when I left a psychologically abusive relationship. The key is learning to trust yourself again. I feel bad for kids that grew up never learning to feel their own gut instinct decisions.
Felice Coles 3 years ago
The other extreme is entitlement: "I want it. My mom and dad will make sure I get it."
Heather Crosmer 3 years ago
This is my step daughter. We got custody of her at 15, she is 18 now. Just finished HS and is now working her first job. It took a lot of work to teach her how to function without her mother coaching her thru every moment of her life.
Darian Starfrog 3 years ago
Ya gotta fix it then..seriously..that's no way to live.. that's how you get nazis
Load More Replies... #6
Friend of mine has a big time helicopter mom. He has never paid taxes, he’s 23 his mom handles everything. Recently he moved from his hometown to Austin so he can attempt to be an adult. His mom moved to Austin less than a week later. But other than that he’s the most depressed guy I know.
Caro Caro 3 years ago
A stalking controlling helicopter mum. No wonder he's depressed, poor man. I hope he moves again without telling her where he lives.
April Dancer 3 years ago
You raise your chicks until they leave the nest. You don't fly behind them saying have you had enough worms today. There's no mention of a father so I assume he's not in the picture for whatever reason, but it is not up to the son to fill that space.
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GirlFriday 3 years ago
A friend of mine did this. She was the ultimate helicopter parent, and when her daughter went away to college, she rented an apartment in the same town as the college (four hours away from home) so she could visit when she wanted to. The mom ended up quitting her job and moving to the college town because she didn't think her daughter could cope without her. Daughter transferred to another college and eventually ended up quitting altogether and moved across the country. Mom packed up and moved to the same city. Daughter is now considering moving abroad.
LangiStudios 3 years ago
WOW. If she keeps this up, her daughter is going to go NC completely.
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Joanna Malsbury 3 years ago
When I moved from Florida to Ohio (yes I literally moved across the country to get away from mine), I had my mom thinking I was living in Michigan for more than 6 months. Had a somewhat-deep cover story and everything. I'm just lucky she didn't hire a P.I. because that's something she's been known to do. I had to slowly transition back to contact, but even now, I have to be careful about how much I allow her into my life. She hasn't worked on herself, but being so far apart has helped calm our relationship. Having that space and the ability to get away from her did amazing things for my mental health.
Gail Peterson 3 years ago
I went from NJ to San Diego to get away from mine, the second I graduated high school. Never regretted it!
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John G 3 years ago
Need something similar to witness protection, but for helicopter kids.
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Pizzagirl 91 3 years ago
Is paying taxes something people usually do as soon as they are of age? I did my taxes the first time in 2020, when I was 28 - it's not something you HAVE to do in Germany, only if you get ordered to, because your taxes come off anything you earn legally, anyhow. When I was in uni, all my insurance was in my parents' names, and that was very normal in my peer group. I was still living on my own in a big city, just the taxes aren't something I'd take as sign of independence...
Elio 3 years ago
In the US it depends on how much money you make. That determines if you're required to file them.
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LynzCatastrophe 3 years ago
My husband and I are now preparing to move somewhere at the opposite end of the province without informing my helicopter parents.
Pamela Blue 3 years ago
You're married and they're STILL helicopter parents? Why isn't your husband telling them where to go if you can't?
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Vickie Wofford 3 years ago
That could be my cousin and aunt by marriage. I caught her doing his homework while he was in college for nursing. She was a retired school teacher. All I said was let me know where he is working so I don't go to that hospital
Pamela Blue 3 years ago
Well she isn't going to be able to take his exams for him, nor his registration exams, so she's not doing him any favours. Just think - doing all that work for him and he's going to fail the exams. He won't be able to practice.
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Yggdra Zheir 3 years ago
I got married and moved to the next town. Guess what. My parents moved in the same neighborhood six months after.
#7
My best friend grew up with controlling, helicopter parents and there's a lot of things she never learned because they never taught her. My husband and I have been teaching her basic financial literacy because her parent's never helped her build credit, never let her have her own bank account, never let her apply for a credit card. They controlled everything so she ha to unlearn a mindset of spending any money you do have on hand ASAP.
She also struggled with honesty. In her household lying was second nature. The best way to get out of any problem was to lie. This caused a lot of problems for her because she would lie to fix things, cover things, and get out of things in her other relationship. That took a long time and a few destroyed relationships to really unlearn.
She also struggles with impulse control. She's much better now but she used to make a lot of bad choices simply because she could. She wouldn't stop to think through if it was a good idea or not.
We're in our late 20s and my husband and I have served as a lot of her safety net and support over the years. Her relationship with her parents and herself have gotten way healthier so now she's living on her own, supporting herself, and making smarter choices but oof, those early 20s were a rough time.
Kayla Albert 3 years ago
Wow! That's awesome you were they for her!! Sounds like exactly what she needed!
Dylan Armstrong 3 years ago
I'm in the same boat only with a failure story. I had to cut ties with my friend as they refused to get professional help or really do anything to improve as a human being or help themselves. They were just drowning and dragging me down with them. It's a hell of a lot of work and can put you at serious risk. If you can help guide them to freedom and functionality it is so rewarding and so worth it, but it is stressful, taxing, and dangerous work and some people just don't make it. I was really pulling for them and stuck it out from early childhood into my 30s but eventually had to make the call to walk away. I'm glad yours is making it. People deserve to make their own way in life and to thrive and support networks is how they get there.
Diane Murray 3 years ago
I had a friend in college whose mom was riddled with anxiety. I swung by her mom's to pick her up for a 7:00 pm movie, and her mom couldn't believe we wanted to go out "at all hours like this!" At the time, her mom was taking care of her older sister's infant during the work week. I was shocked to learn that she was giving the infant an ENEMA 30 minutes after each feeding, so she could control when the baby pooped! This is very dangerous, and can prevent a baby's muscles from functioning properly.
Kelly Boekhout 3 years ago
She's lucky to have you as a friend. Unfortunately overbearing parents do create liars. It's a survival tactic
Tomas Mockus 3 years ago
WTF why do you need to apply for credit card and spend money you dont have?
Elaine Roberts 3 years ago
Because if you use a credit card and make the payments on time, you build a good credit record for when you actually need to borrow, like when you want to buy a house.
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Keley Babs 3 years ago
Yes. Your patience and assistance basically raised an already dysfunctional adult. Hopefully she tells you thank you and how much you helped her, but if she doesn't, please look at all these comments
It’s important to understand that helicopter parenting is not just a mere parenting style, but that it can be intrusive and controlling of the child, their experience, and their self-expression. This self-involved style of parenting prevents the parent from seeing their child and from being conscious and attuned to their child’s needs.
Marlo told us that “it can interfere with the natural development and unfolding of one’s personality, coined by psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, as the process of, ‘going-on-being.’ When ‘going-on-being’ is impinged upon, it can lead to the development of a ‘false self.’”
#8
Honestly just an anxious mess. Every job I've had I've been constantly afraid I'll mess something up and be a disappointment. It's honestly paralyzing.
Eventually when I got married I just kind of gave up on having a career and became a housewife. Still constantly anxious I don't measure up but at least my husband is willing to reassure me.
Pjerrot 3 years ago
Sad to realize this… when My Mum died from Cancer 3 Yrs ago I was so depressed…. And Scared. Now I have this Giant relief,Cause She’s not here to controle My Life any more…. I Can move where ever I want to! Go out & don’t have to My Mumma telling me to text…. And I’m over 50!!
Kristina Hall 3 years ago
SAME I'm terrified of letting ppl down bc my parents constantly let me know when I've done something wrong and I can't handle when ppl are mad at me. 🙃
RafCo (he/him) 3 years ago
I can kind of relate to this. In my case it's the whole immigrant parent needs you to be a model minority in order to justify the sacrifices they made to keep you alive kinda thing. But being a constant disappointment does weight on you, and it makes it hard to to constantly beat yourself up. As I got older I learned to feed my mother as little information about my personal life as possible. It's easier that she's not a helicopter parent, she lives 200 miles away from me, I see her once every other month or so. I also left home at 21, moved to Africa, and didn't come back for about a decade. So she's glad to see me 6 times a year, lol. I keep things as vague as possible with people. For instance my family knows I lived overseas, but she has no idea where.
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Marianne Jerzyk 3 years ago
Get therapy and you'll be able to live the life you're meant to live.
Alannah Jones 3 years ago
Keep that guy. I get this. My parents weren’t just helicopters, they were abusive if they didn’t like something or you wanted to try something on you own. So now I’m always anxious and looking for approval etc etc. My boyfriend is always reassuring me that’s it’s okay. And slowly I’m starting to realize that not everyone is abusive, and that it’s okay to make mistakes or mess up. But that it doesn’t make you a disappointment. It takes a long time to unlearn. And it’s so hard. I still get traumatized, freaked out, anxious, and stressed over some weird s**t. But if you have someone who can remind you that you’re okay, and not a disappointment, life suddenly isn’t as bad. I hope you realize that you’re not a disappointment. You’re learning. And that it’s okay to make mistakes and not be okay.
DetongLhamo 3 years ago
I’ve become the same since 2020. I used to be gregarious, now I have no time for anyone but my family.
#9
Read the book *The Coddling of the American Mind*, and/or the article in The Atlantic by the same name. Kids who were treated that way seem to have higher suicide rates and more depression, more anxiety, and an unusually poor ability to deal with conflict (hence the craze for "safe spaces" and cancel culture that is sweeping HR departments and universities the world over).
Mosheh Wolf 3 years ago
This is a typical BS attempt to blame so-called "cancel culture" for all of society's ills. Conservative ran "Cancel Culture" for centuries without getting "Helicopter Parents". I guess that it's not "Cancel Culture" if the books being banned are about slavery, social justice, or LGBTQ rights. I guess that it's not "Cancel Culture" if a kid is banned from prom for coming as part of a same-sex couple. According to these whiners, the only people who have the right to speak are racist, homophobic relics from the 19th century. You can ban everybody else, but it's still "freedom of speech" if the White supremacist homophobes are allowed to spew hate.
Mosheh Wolf 3 years ago
Oh, as for "safe spaces"? The people complaining about "safe spaces" are the same people who established clubs to exclude women and minorities. These are the same people who establish "man caves" which only they can enter. Once again, their "safe spaces are sacred and untouchable. But when anybody who is not a White Christian man wants a similar space, well, that is Destroying Culture As We Know It. That entire book is one long whine "Why are all these inferior people demanding the same stuff that we have had for generations? There is something wrong with them"
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Cory Willson 3 years ago
People being held accountable and the reprocusions of their actions is not "cancel culture"
Becca Hauck 3 years ago (edited)
Agree. But even if it was, I have the right to vote with my dollars... Even if it's stupid. If I want to boycott your restaurant because you don't carry purple cups, I didn't do anything wrong by not giving you my money. We don't owe everyone our money.
Load More Replies... Darian Starfrog 3 years ago
Sad thing..these 'progressives' don't even know they are being used.. it's sick, and all decided by old white guys in the end after all.. old bankers who want to destroy America.. and it's working! Wakey wakey kids! You've been had! The people you voted in..ARE your enemy! ..I'm a kiwi in New Zealand btw..I have no stake in this.. it's just easy to see from afar.
Melissa Johnson 3 years ago
That's a big result of parents being taught that if they discipline their children, they don't love them.
Becca Hauck 3 years ago
Not just discipline either. If you expect your child to learn to do anything society thinks a mom should be doing, you don't love your kids, you're a bad parent.
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Liz Miner 3 years ago
Its stuff like that that makes it hard for ppl with anxiety and that cant handle conflict well. Ppl assume "oh its bc of the parents," but Im just an actually friggin mess. Relationship with my parents has nothing to do with it.
Becca Hauck 3 years ago
My life is a trainwreck and sure, my parents started it but at some point, it's up to me to get my life together.
Load More Replies... Becca Hauck 3 years ago
I think it's a symptom of the cause, not the cause itself. Moms are blamed for everything wrong that you'll ever do for your entire life. If you become a serial killer at 40, it's your mom's fault. I had social services called for being a helicopter parent when I wouldn't let my 6 year old daughter play at the playground beside our apartment complex by herself. Then I did let her and the same people said I was neglecting her. My ex took me to court for custody when he found out I was teaching my 10 year old daughter to cook (at her request) and giving my 10 and 14 year old the chore of doing dishes 3 times per week. The judge told me I needed parenting classes. Similar stuff with my son years later. Son has ADHD, Autism, 6 year speech and learning delay, learning disabilities, etc. The school said if I expected him to get the services entitled to him by law, he couldn't go to school there. I fought that. So I'm a helicopter parent.
ErrorGamer2000 3 years ago
Totally. Been forced to be a Christian for 17 years (since birth) because of my helicopter parents. As soon as I am out of the house, dropping religion in all forms, because it is my choice, not theirs.
Taylor ßudd 3 years ago
Ah look. We found the culprit of our wasteland of a country. Helicopter parents started it all.
Tiffany Tesla 3 years ago
No, it's a bunch of things. A big one is there's psyop from Russia that was started in the 70's or so pushing what we see, so what we see was taught in college, was brought into the home and to lower schools, reaching average person and our kids. There's a lot of other factors but helicopter parents started somewhere, and it's part of a cluster of other root issues.
Load More Replies... #10
My wife has helicopter parents and I constantly have to argue with them. We are in our mid thirties.
When we visit they plan our itinerary to the 15 minute block. Stopping for lunch as a family is not allowed unless previously approved.
They have tentacles that reach out though churches to check on us. When my daughter was born a stranger to us came up to us in a restaurant, picked up our new born and walked away with her. I had to chase her down. She told me my wife’s mother had told her to do so. She was over a thousand miles away.
We attended their church once. Again, we are in NC and they were in Maine. A strange family came up and questioned why my wife uses a breast pump and told her it makes her less of a mother. There is no way they could have known without someone telling them.
My wife’s siblings are all struggling. Can’t do anything for themselves. I own their cars and they make payments to me, I pay for their car insurance.
During one medical emergency while I was at work the parents called their friends at church to go get my daughter and no one called me. When I finally heard from my wife we didn’t know where my child was. Grandma had control.
Katie Lutesinger 3 years ago
Good god, I'd have called the police after the attempted baby kidnapping.
Fo An 3 years ago
I don't understand why they didn't, unless OP didn't mention it.
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Susan Bosse 3 years ago
These all sound like police intervention is necessary. Get a no contact order. Cover your family, home, work, church, etc., locations. NO WHERE should release a child to anyone other than the parents unless specified. I'd advise to make sure the siblings' insurance and cars are in their names (you/bank can be the lien holder) for legal reasons. If something happens in one of these cars and it's in your name, YOU are responsible. I would block them and call the cops every single time they do something. Maybe send a cease and desist letter through an attorney and be prepared to cut off/limit contract when push comes to shove. I'd have called the cops and cut ties the first time some stranger took my child out of my hands and that psycho wouldn't have taken more than two steps before I'd have been on her. What kind of unbalanced do you have to be to follow orders to take a baby from their parent's arms?
AnnaB 3 years ago
This isn't just 'helicopter' parenting. This is criminal, threatening behavior.
Pamela Blue 3 years ago
The church sounds very much like a cult church. It certainly doesn't sound like any of the mainstream religions I know.
Load More Replies... Quitethedilemma 3 years ago (edited)
No! This is an absolute nightmare, I'd pack up my wife and kid and leave the country in the middle of the night. That is the most outrageous and toxic situation.
Garritt VS 3 years ago
Someone *unrelated* to the child took the child on the instructions of a *non-custodial* relative. That's the long way of saying "they kidnapped a child."
Nikki Sevven 3 years ago
Dude, call the damn cops, ffs. Strangers are kidnaping your child. Jesus.
Marlo explained that, for example, “helicopter parenting can quash dimensions of the child’s personality and innate capacities, and foreclose emerging, influential experience, by preventing or intruding upon the child’s spontaneous behaviors as well as by sending strong messages about who the child should be, which often goes against their being and leads to the development of a false self.”
She added that helicopter parenting is a form of parenting that involves acting and doing in contrast to relating and understanding. “It consists of actions that can supplant and take away from communicating and being with the child.”
#11
One of my cousins had the worst helicopter parents. Her mother took her to school and for the entire year, waited outside the classroom door while class was in session. The next year she volunteered as a teacher's assistant for baby's class. This went on until baby graduated high school and applied for college - out of town. Mom and dad sold their house and bought a new one in the town where baby was going to college. Twice. They did this twice. Baby is a well-adjusted young lady. She's lovely, has a college degree and is in training to become a helicopter pilot. I'm not even kidding. The helicopter baby is becoming a helicopter pilot.
Alphabet Soupy 3 years ago
She might look ok on the surface, but there’s no way she’s well-adjusted. Unless she cut contact and has been going to therapy twice a week? I mean, that’s some real helicopter behavior!
SCP-3998 3 years ago
She may need therapy, or she may be one of those few people utterly unaffected by the behaviour of others. In which case I say, awesome!
Load More Replies... Becca Hauck 3 years ago
It's hilarious that if anything bad happens to you or if you do anything bad or fail to do anything good, it's your mom's fault. But when you turn out to be Well-adjusted adult? It's in spite of your parents.
Pamela Blue 3 years ago
Of course a lot has to do with the personality of the child. Some children have very forceful personalities that even a helicopter parent can't break. Other poor souls are not lucky and simply cannot break the puppet strings. So sad. But I'm glad this one did! She obviously had a strong personality of her own.
Kristi Miklusicak 3 years ago
So basically your complaining about someone else having and then appreciating her attentive parents. Maybe you should look at your helicopter cousin-ing issues
Becca Hauck 3 years ago
I'm kinda with you but this mother definitely went beyond being attentive. I'm guessing she had some trauma in her life that she's was desperately trying to prevent from happening to her child.
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#12
I dated a guy like this. I was 49 years-old, he was 57. He resented his parents, always complained about them. He could not make decisions, so never made one. It was up to me to make all the dating plans.
He was helpless in that he had no life skills. He was laid off from his mechanical engineering job and could no longer afford rent, so I took pity on him, and let him move in with me. He could not cook or clean and expected me to do all that work for him. Even after all that, he started resenting me, probably because he was so dependent on me.
I kicked him out and he's now living with his parents. That was 4 years ago and he's still there, still resenting them.
Giovanna 3 years ago
I think 'resenting your parents' at 57 is kind of a red flag. I have friends who resent their parents at 40, like they were rebel teenagers. It's like they are not adults when it comes to the relationship with their parents, even if in any other aspect of life, they are.
Skeeter 3 years ago
I don't get that he was "unable" to cook or clean. Anyone can learn laundry, can learn to wash dishes, it is not a skilled job, can learn to make simple meals from a box. He was lazy on top of his issues, I think.
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SuperChicken 3 years ago
Sad to say, but I don't think that guy will ever grow-up. What will he do, if both his parents passes away?
Quinn Hofmann 3 years ago
Which I imagine is soon... He's already nearly 60. Even sooner - what about when he has to deal with taking care of them. Should really just get a caretaker for the 3 of them.
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Csilla Kaszas 3 years ago
There was an old lady in our street, his some moved back when he was 60-ish. When the old lady died, the son followed her the next year. I guess he couldn't/didn't want to take care of himself. It's sad.
Becca Hauck 3 years ago
So you're saying people can't learn life skills? Like if you were super sheltered at 17 and below, you're stuck like that for life?
Quinn Hofmann 3 years ago
Yeah, this sounds like typical nuclear-family-era misogyny and laziness
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#13
They go one of two ways usually. Either helicopter parents themselves, or completely wild childs that majorly screw up once they taste freedom.
I was #2, and it took a while to calm down.
Mistiekim 3 years ago
I think some turn to drugs or alcohol as an escape and then the parent goes from helicopter to enabler.
Diolla 3 years ago
I knew a guy who had extremely strict Christian parents. Soon as he left home to study he became a drug addict. Could not handle anything irl. Really sad.
Kbg28 3 years ago
I was straight edge before my mom married my stepdad. I was 15. By 17 I was drinking bc I was already getting punished for drinking when I wasn't drinking. So it was like 🤷 eff it. If I'm going to get punished for it, might as well just do it. I got grounded once for smelling like whiskey when all I had was chocolate milk that evening.
Load More Replies... Nikki Sevven 3 years ago
Disagree. I had helicopter parents and I neither emulated them nor went to the opposite extreme.
SCP-3998 3 years ago
Not everyone is going to fit these as some people are born as "their own person" and somehow the world doesnt affect them the same. Which is great for you and others like you, but I do hope you're not the norm here, and that's not an insult, I'd be proud of that if I were you.
Load More Replies... LynzCatastrophe 3 years ago
The very first time I visited my now hubby, I had graduated high school. It took a lot to even convince my parents to send me. The night he took me to the movies, I choose one with the latest viewing. For the sole purpose that For the first time, I could actually be out and about, not just because it was late, but I considered it amazing freedom to not already be home for the night by 5pm. My first official taste of freedom. It felt amazing.
Sunshine Payne 3 years ago
I was also #2....just str8 if dookie was a person when I was younger. I'm so glad that I have come so far since then.
Moreover, “a helicopter parent can mistakenly convince themselves that doing for their child or being anxiously preoccupied about their child is a form of engagement and love.”
We also asked the clinical psychologist and Jungian psychoanalyst what the children of helicopter parents are like. Marlo explained that they often “show a limited capacity for tolerating stress and they can become easily overwhelmed by stressors since helicopter parenting generally prevents them from having to face and cope with the usual stresses of life.”
#14
When I was 18 I just left. They didn't have legal guardianship, they couldn't say s**t. Things were rocky for a couple of years but so worth the freedom. As I got married and had kids they tried to be controlling over them and my spouse and I set extremely firm boundaries and made it clear that they would never see any of us again if they played that game with me. I was about two seconds away from filing a restraining order when they finally got the message. Unfortunately, I have to use their tactics against them and threaten extreme things in order to get them out of our personal lives. The one thing I took away from all of that is with people like that, you have to be willing to fight and accept that you may very well have to cut them completely out of your life.
Jefferson Selvy 3 years ago
Just a little advice, don't make a threat you won't follow through. Your word has to be as reliable as the sunrise. The first time you back down from a threat, you will be lost
Jenný Samúelsdóttir Herlufsen 3 years ago
Sounds like you are one of the few that came out of this as a strong independent person.
#15
My parents weren't [helicopter parents]. But a friend moved to a different state and got engaged, and my friend's mom still managed to be a helicopter parent. Visiting at least three times a month and contacting either her or her SO constantly.
It ruined the engagement because the significant other finally had enough [...] Even though my friend was annoyed with her mom as well, she couldn't cut her mom off completely... I don't know all the details, but it must have been superr annoying if someone was like, "I love you, but f**k having in-laws like this."
She is now single and has moved back home. It's unfortunate...
Sunny Ferragamo 3 years ago
This is so sad. Her mom clipped her wings. "If you love someone, set them free" is true.
Dave Hinckley 3 years ago
My nephew used to say, "If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it."
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Azure Adams 3 years ago
I wonder if helicopter parents know they likely won't being getting grandchildren. Especially helicopter moms to sons. No woman wants that man baby or his mommy.
Darina G. 3 years ago
Soooo true!! And in the end, they are the ones that crave grandchildren the most. Almost like they are ready to give birth to them themselves and marry their sons just so that they can be together forever. It's one of the most pathetic things a woman (and a mother) can possibly become.
Load More Replies... Kaitlynnnnnn 3 years ago
My mil used to be a little like this. She likes to be in control. She didn't like me because I stole her son. I contemplated not marrying him because of her but I love him too much. I am so glad I made the right decision. Her daughter went no contact with her and since then she has gotten immensely better and daughter is talking to her all of the time now. There is a really good family dynamic and I'm so proud of everyone for figuring it all out.
Pamela Blue 3 years ago
They think they love their children, but that is not love. Just about the opposite, actually.
Cindy Irvin 3 years ago
Very familar story. After 14 years without a relationship, I finally met someone I was totally smiiten with. My mother did everything she could do to break us up, I assume because she and I live together and are very close. She found every reason in the world to not like him, kept telling me how he was going to hurt me, and tried to sabotage anything we tried to do together. We tried and tried to keep things together, but one day he said "Your mom has her claws too deep into you. Nothing will ever change," and broke up with me. I'm still broken-hearted a year later, while she thinks she did the right thing in protecting me. I don't think I mentioned....I'm 62.
Bljurg 3 years ago (edited)
My girlfriend has a mom that is a controlling narcissist, uses her as a house asset. She's getting help and seeing stuff more clearly, but still lives there and puts up with certain things. She wants to move out, but doesn't know when she'll be ready. Don't wanna rush her, but I also don't want to (and can't really) see her get abused and guilt tripped for much longer. She's the most amazing and kindhearted person, but she suffers so much from the issues her mom engineers, and I'm frankly getting very tired by her mom's toxic and entitled behavior...
Lily K 3 years ago
This happened to both of my siblings. I, however, know to keep my SO a secret from them and we have lasted over a decade so far. I have a secret life they can't touch and ruin. I do feel bad for my siblings who are having all kinds of issues but they don't know how to push away controlling people.
Gennifer Miller 3 years ago
Yeah... Been there. Now I won't date somebody if I get anything stronger than a whiff of them being a Mama's person.
#16
Really good liars because they had to master it at a young age.
ErrorGamer2000 3 years ago
I agree 100%. That was the only way for me to have ANY autonomy for the last few years.
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Darian Starfrog 3 years ago (edited)
I haven't for years now.. but yea..I'm a master at that.. wasn't helicopter parenting though.. quite the opposite.. I lied to avoid my sisters or myself getting beaten..or worse
Joerct Drew 3 years ago
Lying is literally the only way some of them will leave you alone. Speaking from experience
SCP-3998 3 years ago
Lying can literally save your life in abusive situations. Is it acceptable in NORMAL society? No. But dont belittle the power of a lie to save your life or mental health from someone more than happy to fück you up one way or another.
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Having a helicopter parent often leads a person to develop a sense of specialness and a feeling of entitlement, Marlo argues. “That is, they develop an expectation that they should be treated differently from others, and that others could and should do things for them, often, because they are so unique or special.” Moreover, they may develop a feeling of superiority, “often in compensation for feeling so inadequate, insecure, or useless because everything is being done for them,” she added.
The clinical psychologist also noted that while having a helicopter parent who takes care of everything can feel good in the moment, it can backfire. “The person often winds up feeling incompetent, useless, or without purpose and that leads to increased depression and anxiety.”
#17
Failure to launch syndrome is something I mainly work with in my clients as a therapist. Lots of avoidance of conflict, not able to do basic life skills, executive functioning defects, and parents still overly involved in their lives well into adulthood.
Mary Linda Gail Gibson 3 years ago
Hell, better be scared, these are the ones going to govern a country. No wonder things are falling apart so badly. Getting away is really the only way out.
Sandra Lodewyck 3 years ago
I didn't realize that I was a helicopter parent until I read some of these stories. I thought that because my son was diagnosed with ADD, I had to watch carefully and make sure he got the support he needed in school. Now, as an adult with a home and family to care for, he is overwhelmed, overweight, and exhausted much of the time. He's got a low paying job and is struggling to make ends meet. I had to stop helping with money. I babysit for my two grandchildren. That's about all I can do at this time.
Estelle Winwoode 3 years ago
ADD is tough to deal with. Your son could be like that because of the ADD, not because you gave him support as a child. Good executive function is necessary for an organized life, and with ADD that's something you lack.
Load More Replies... Dylan Armstrong 3 years ago
Do you have advice on getting someone who needs your services to actually go to therapy?
Becca Hauck 3 years ago
And when your preteen then teenage then young adult child refuses to learn ANYTHING about adulting? Mom's fault too?
#18
I can answer this!
I'm scared of my parents, specifically my dad. I'm the youngest in my family and grew up conditioned to always be a delicate little flower who had to be protected at all costs. As I grew older and by them being particularly strict about what I could or couldn't do, my adult brain registered the 'couldnt do's as threats to my safety.
It's caused me a lot of issues. Here's a list-
- I have 2 separate personas around people. When I'm with friends, I swear a lot, I joke around, I deliberately try to p**s them off for a laugh. I'm not afriad to admit I enjoy playing video games or watch cartoons. Near my parents? I'm as quiet as a mouse. Even when I do speak near them I don't swear or try anything to bother them.
- I can't bring myself to update my social media where my parents can see it because I'm frightened they'll come in and tell me I have s bad opinion or I should delete my posts. If something minor is even put up, it gets taken down.
- As a result of being scared of my dad, I developed a severe anxiety disorder revolving around riding in his car as a passenger. If I'm carsick, he'll be mad. And that happens frequently. I'm getting better at not having a panic attack in his car. Gradually.
- They are so deluded in seeing me as a delicate little flower that they fail to encourage or acknowledge my real interest in playing video games. Like it's embarrassing to them. I do my best not to bother them by playing my games very discreetly.
- It's impolite to be loud. I listen to the TV at the lowest volume, I've trained myself to burp by like. Breathing it out through my nose so it's silent. People around me can belch loudly if they wanted. I don't know how to anymore. If I accidentally make any sort of unsavoury sound I have to apologize profusely.
- I'm afraid of the outside world at dark. Even at twilight. I was forbidden from riding a train home at 5pm to protect me from scary people. But now? I'm always frightened. It makes it difficult to go out in public at night without constantly being on edge. It's made people who are just having fun drinking with friends look like monsters who intend to kill me instead.
- ^^^ I'm too anxious to drink because I don't want to disappoint my parents AND all drunk people are dangerous and intend to hurt you.
I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist and both of them told me my mental health will improve drastically when I move out. They say right now, I am an independent adult...but I'm very much a robot conditioned at a young age to stay safe to the point of never really experiencing the world and learning to make mistakes so as a result I am always anxious and terrified of disappointing my parents.
Jul Chv 3 years ago
At least you have professional help. You will improve and get better. It takes time and it goes better gradually. Don´t be to hard on yourself. One step at a time.
Kitty 🇺🇦 3 years ago
They can’t hear you. None of these posts can. They were taken from Reddit.
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EpicWolfandSparrow 3 years ago
Umm. This is way to close to home. Like almost word for word my life. Kinda got used to it, never knew it wasn't normal. Welp🙃
Darian Starfrog 3 years ago
Please..get help..it works wonders to reach out and ask for help.. ..lol says my stubborn a*s who took waaay to long to learn that..
ErrorGamer2000 3 years ago (edited)
Would you've 1000 more times if I could. This story feels extremely familiar to me .
Kelli Brown 3 years ago
This was my life almost to the tee. Sad part was I ALWAYS thought it was me. Thank god for my husband who hated my parents. And taught me that the relationship I had with them was beyond unhealthy. My father has been dead since 2008 and I rarely think about him. My mother is still alive living in Georgia with my sister and I haven’t seen her or my father since 2004. TBH if she didn’t text I’d wouldn’t have contact with her. I do not miss them and feel nothing towards them.
#19
My parents track my location at all times now. I’m 27.
That way they don’t call the cops if I don’t pick up within 30 min... which has happened multiple times. [...] I once fell asleep on the couch and my parents couldn’t get a hold of me for an hour. They concluded I had hit my head in the shower and died.
My parents are immigrants and only have me, so I’m not sure if that has to do with their anxiety.
Weim Central 3 years ago
It sounds less like helicopter parents and more like you are their only asset and they want to make sure you are safe. It makes sense that they are immigrants and are overly concerned with your whereabouts but they will need to give you space to let you build your own life if they truly love you.
Miriam K 3 years ago
Agree, and maybe a family therapy can help in this case
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Eunice Probert 3 years ago
Get a new phone with a different number and don't tell them. Don't allow them to put a tracker on your phone. Then move. Seriously.
Quitethedilemma 3 years ago
IMO it definitely has something to do with their anxiety. I hope for all of you that this can be resolved.
Wendy Hamilton 3 years ago
Let them call the police. Eventually that will get them in trouble.
Jro308 3 years ago
I track my 24 yr old daughter's phone, mostly because she lives 8 hours away and it gives me a level of peace that I can see where she is, also helps me not to bother her with a call if she's at work. She can also see my location so she has the same peace of mind that mom is good. I also pay her cell bill and told her when she starts paying her own bill she is welcome to stop sharing her location.
EpicWolfandSparrow 3 years ago
I'm really happy you two are using that technology in a positive way! That's so awesome! I wish my parents were more like you. :) Also folks: don't downvote people for being positive! @Jro308 is an amazing Mother!
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Taylor ßudd 3 years ago
Yeh you need to cut that s**t off and let them worry. That's absolutely ridiculous.
Pamela Blue 3 years ago (edited)
Oh my goodness that is SO sad. You need to sit them down and try to get through to them that they are pushing you away, that you will break off communications if they don't give you some space. Also, if your parents need to know that if they continue to call the police on you, they will file charges for wasting police time with frivolous calls. AND - for God's sake, change your cell phone!
Susan Locks 3 years ago
Notify the local and state police that your parents are crazy and controlling and that they should take any reports, from them, of your being missing with a grain of salt.
Helicopter parenting often shapes subsequent relationships, including how the person relates to others and who they connect with in relationships. “In relationships, they may, for example, be drawn to someone who replicates a pattern of being intrusive and controlling, leading the person to become less competent, confident and more dependent.”
“Similarly, they may be drawn to others who treat them as special, which is not conducive to maintaining healthy, long-term relationships, particularly by failing to learn to manage inevitable human disappointments, limitations, imperfections, and boundaries,” Marlo concluded.
#20
My ex has an overly doting mother. He couldn't crisis manage, troubleshoot or handle anything on his own. He also ONLY trusted her advice, I suggested something, he refused she suggested the same thing and he obliged. He lacked motivation to do better for himself, look for a better job, get our own place, etc because his mom always took care of him financially. He had no faith in his abilities or talent because he never had the chance to prove to himself he could handle anything.
Mistiekim 3 years ago (edited)
If your spouse chooses their mother over you, it’s time to get out. Glad he’s your ex.
Honu 3 years ago
I think in a case like hers, most definitely. My "choosing my parents over him" situation with my ex was because he was employing the classic abuser tactic of trying to keep me away from my support network. Ultimately, I chose them over him for good reason. I had a great relationship with my parents. They fostered a sense of independence in me and weren't at all controlling. My ex was trying to control me by trying to keep me from seeing them or talking to them. I was the one that needed to get out.
Load More Replies... Sunny Ferragamo 3 years ago
Aw but this picture is so sweet 😊 This is sad though, "He had no faith in his abilities or talent because he never had the chance to prove to himself he could handle anything." I'm prone to anxiety. What helps me is forcing myself to do something unimportant in life, but challenging to me. For example, someone asked me why I've climbed 14ers (mountains over 14,000 ft); I do it to prove to myself that I can. It replenishes my confidence and I feel less anxious about other areas of life afterwards, even though they are unrelated. I can do hard things. You can do hard things. Accept failures and wins. They are all part of life, keep going.
Becca Hauck 3 years ago
It's mom's fault that this adult man clings to his mother? My son has a lot of challenges but has seen some stuff, been bullied with teacher's defending the bullies, etc. Etc. He's 14 and until he turned 13, me and his sisters are the only people he trusted. He loves his girlfriend, they've been together a year and when it's her birthday and I suggest gifts, he shuts me down. I back off. When I suggested that his girlfriend might not want to discuss first person shooter games for hours on end, he shut me down. Her knows her, she likes that too. Turns out he's right...I asked her mom when we exchanged kids. I was trying to help. He's Autistic with significant communication problems and he's only 14. He adores me, we're very close. But if I try to help with his girlfriend? Nope, he's got this.
#21
Child free and an absolute f**k up and failure. Still trying to make up for lost time of my adolescence and I'm almost 30. I'd rather be dead some days.
Thanks for asking.
Dylan Armstrong 3 years ago
Invest in things that make you happy and F*CK what society thinks is "age appropriate." Seriously. It will be a huge game changer for your quality of life. Legit, watch kids shows and movies. Buy a stuffed animal to hang out with. Use coloring books. Dress like a ranger out of a fantasy series. Do whatever brings a smidge more comfort and choice into your life. I highly recommend Avatar the last Airbender as a TV show to watch if TV is your thing. You don't have to live your life by what other people think. Just do one thing at a time, one day at a time.
Samantha Whitley 3 years ago
I absolutely love this advice ❤. A lot of people need to learn to stop being so damn serious all the time. There is nothing wrong with acting like a kid sometimes no matter how old you are. I am so thankful I have instilled in my kids to not worry what others think. I've always told them that if they are comfortable and having fun and not hurting themselves or anyone else then they are fine.
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Microwave Chef 3 years ago
Start traveling, buy some of the toys you wanted and never got. Whenever you're in a hotel, make sure to jump on the bed. Watch the sun rise and the sunset. You need to start with your inner child. Also, get a therapist. Some are really easy to talk to.
Mariah Gensmer 3 years ago
Remember you are not your parents but i understand trying to undo years of programming but what can make it hard is not falling into again from relationships
Mary Linda Gail Gibson 3 years ago
Learning and growing is painful, but the reward is huge. If you avoid pain, you will never grow, find yourself, rid yourself of the wrong pain. It's called living a real life. No excuses anymore, no one speaks out any more, it's time.
Carolina Eiras Sá 3 years ago
Same here. I've also become pretty sure that the cause of my mother's helicoptering is the same type of mental disorder I was diagnosed with a few years ago; a highly heritable one.
Zuzia Kaupa 3 years ago
You’re not a bad person for feeling what you feel, it’s because of what happened to you. I understand the feeling like you have so much pent up energy to release after years of grinding fear and control. A lot of self-destructive behavior happened as a result. Get it out of your System but also love yourself through it. Your trauma is real and your pain is valid. Seek out a professional that you click with to help navigate the way forward. It won’t be a straight shot to the moon but it will get better ❤️
LynzCatastrophe 3 years ago
In my early 20s I moved away to attend college. In my early 30s I moved back to my hometown because hubby got a good job that would have been stupid to turn down. In those 10 years I worked hard on myself, found a confidence and independence I never thought I could have. I was happy. In the past 2.5 years since being back my depression has returned with a vengeance, I'm reclusive to the point my husband has to force me out, my suicidal thoughts have spiraled, my confidence is long gone. I honestly don't want to die, but I can't stand feeling this way every day.
LynzCatastrophe 3 years ago
If anyone suggests therapy, I'm trying. The minute my family found out I was in therapy, they made it all about themselves. They were the reasons why I am back in therapy and became hurt and offended that I would need it again because of them. Every single problem I've had, when I mention how they make me feel, it's turned around on me.
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#22
Anxious, never believing they're good enough, always feeling as if they're being watched and judged. Sheltered life so no experience of the real world because the parents taught them everyone is out to get them and they won't survive "out there". Might have one personality for the parents that's inoffensive and childish and one for everyone else. Terrified of making decisions or doing adult things.
The best thing I ever did for myself was to go to university too far from them to be able to live at "home" and refuse to move back in with them when I graduated. I don't think I'd have made it to 25 if I had to live under their roof again.
Jude Laskowski 3 years ago
My parents didn't want me to go to college, so I worked and attended community college part time. I was offered a job across the country, and took it in a heartbeat. Also finished my B.A. and started my career. My mother kept asking when I was coming "home"; I told her I already was home. She thought I would move back and get a secretarial job after I got college "out of my system." Then she called and said she was selling my bedroom furniture. I told her to get a good price.
Eunice Probert 3 years ago
I did the same thing! Worse in their eyes was that I met a chap and moved in with him. My mother really didn't like that, so she burned all my stuff that was still at "home". Luckily I had William, my old teddy bear with me or he would have been burned. I have no yearbooks from school, nothing from my past because she destroyed it all. Now I am something of a hoarder.
1.21Gigawatts?! 3 years ago
This hits too close to home. I act super different around my parents than everyone else. I act like an angel to my parents but I swear, make inappropriate jokes, just basically the opposite of what I act like to my parents behind their backs
Sande Knight 3 years ago
Leaving home the way you did was healthiest for you. But please consider professional counseling or therapy. There are too many embedded behaviors you will need help with later.
Lori Berryman 3 years ago
Sorry others had to go through this too. But it's good to know I'm not alone. I've spent so much time full of shame because of how my mom 'raised' me. Feeling so abnormal, pretending to be like everyone else
EpicWolfandSparrow 3 years ago
Omw, I think I have helicopter parents. I thought I just had my own issues. Welp I'm already planning on trying to move out as soon as I'm 18, so there's that :)
#23
Kids with helicopter parents tend to become adults with helicopter parents. No boundaries are set so the parents never take a step back.
LynzCatastrophe 3 years ago
I've tried doing this with my parents. The response to it was "family doesn't need boundaries". They wonder why I avoid visiting as much as possible and volunteer to work holidays.
Julianne M 3 years ago
My friend siri has helicopter parents. They won't even allow her to question herself. "You have to be straight. " "You have to get all A's in school." "You cannot be disrespectful." etc. She hates it and doesn't give two shits about what they say anymore. She's 14
#24
My husband deals with this with his mother. We make decisions as a married couple, then later everything changes after they talk to each other. Even situations dealing with our daughter, like I have no say even when he and I were on the same page before decisions were put into action.
He is so desperate to please his mom, he turns his back on me. When I confront him, he blames me for causing drama or being petty.
His mom acts like she is his wife and he lets it happen. It grosses me out.
Rens 3 years ago
This is why my ex-husband is my ex-husband. Get out now because he will never change x
Dylan Armstrong 3 years ago
Welp, this is emotional incest and you are headed for divorce. Get prepared now. I wish there was a softer way to say it, but that's the reality of the situation and you'll be much better knowing that than trying to pretend this is anything less. By staying you are teaching your daughter how men should treat her. Contact a lawyer right away.
Azure Adams 3 years ago
You married this guy knowing all this? You accepted to be second to his mother? At this point I am judging you for staying in this marriage as the other woman because that is what you are. Have some self-respect and send him to mommy with Mexican divorce papers
s0nicfreak 3 years ago
Mom probably hid it until they were married. It's how abusers operate (and this *is* a form of abuse). They hide their true personality until they feel the person is trapped. My ex-MIL hid hers until we had a kid on the way.
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#25
My college roommate had a helicopter mom. It was so bad she brushed her hair herself for the first time in college. She couldn’t take care of herself. She had never spent a night away from home and she cried every night. She ended up dropping out after the first semester.
A random girl on the internet 3 years ago (edited)
This hits hard because I'm embarrassed and ashamed. With a "bad" OCD I have tried and tried to at least put my hair in a ponytail. Each time it ends up with my hands shaking or me crying or wanting to kill myself or cut my hair entirely. Unless I wash it every day, but I realized with my hair down I feel tired, as if I've never washed my face that day. So I wash my face every single day for about ten times. This is what I hate about me the most, I let my mother do my hair because she can do it well... This is also what makes me anxious that I'll never even get married when a guy sees I can't do these stuff. If my hair is not done nicely, I can't do anything else but think about it all day and even get angry at myself.
Pursuing Peonies 3 years ago
Just keep trying. Do it when you have the time but don't have to go anywhere or "look nice". If you can, get a cheap doll that you can practice on (if you do, have it face the same way you are so you can more easily figure out the same or at least similar steps for your own hair) that isn't you (but with similar hair type) so the anxiety is hopefully lessened. Breathe. Remember that you are just new, and just like a toddler isn't great at walking at first, they learn and figure it out. And sometimes they need help, so try watching some how to videos. You can do this. It may take a while, and that's okay. You may not do it exactly as she does it, or may not be able to do everything she does, especially at first. But you can do it. Sincerely, someone who is only just recently figured out how to do more than just a (not necessarily great) ponytail.
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Sande Knight 3 years ago
You just described the emotional atmosphere in which a child murders his/her parent(s) eventually.
Mary Linda Gail Gibson 3 years ago
I think these parents need to get a damn life or something.
#26
I had one working for me at an architecture firm as an intern. Gave her work that was slightly challenging for someone starting out (where she had to figure some things out on her own). Failed miserably. Resorted to giving her redlines to pick up— literally a print out of a drawing with red pen showing what needed to be changed— move this wall over 8”, fix this typo, etc. She finished about half of the changes and brought it back “done”. I went back and told her the way to track her work was to go over the red marks with a highlighter as she finished each change, to make sure she picked it all up. Still brought it back partly done, but with highlights indicating she had done all of it. Couldn’t understand why that was a problem. She wasn’t dumb, just couldn’t fathom that no one would be picking up after her, or that errors in the drawings could cost tens of thousands of dollars in lost time and materials down the line.
It all fell into place for me the second day, when she drove up in a new car her parents had bought for her (she had been driving it for a month). I had been thinking of getting a similar car, so I asked her what she thought of it. Was it designed well? We’re there any annoying features? All she could tell me was that the brakes were “sticky”. I kind of gave up on her after that. If she had been inexperienced but wanted to learn and asked questions and made an effort to get things right, I would have put in the effort to teach her.
Kallen Kneeland 3 years ago
I think the whole point of this list is to acknowledge that these kids are not "entitled" but disabled by their bad parents. And of course they're oblivious, they've never been allowed to think for themselves, or experience consequences.
Load More Replies... #27
I saw a post on relationship advice from a guy whose mum was a helicopter parent.
He was nearly 30 and still lived with her, she used to check his bank account and turn up to his work to make sure he was there. He'd never had a relationship and wanted advice on moving to new city and going no contact. Does this help?
Alphabet Soupy 3 years ago
Kudos to him!! I hope he accomplishes his goal of becoming his own person!
Felice Coles 3 years ago
It's sad that the only two options are suffering and NC. When will parents learn?
LynzCatastrophe 3 years ago
I had my first job when I was still living at home. My parents actually opened my bank statements that were sent in the mail and my payslips.
Sande Knight 3 years ago
Ahem! He may need counseling to help him deal with the fierce games his mother will play to keep him there.
Birdylou68 3 years ago
Helicopter parents or not virtually all young people nowadays live with mommy and daddy until they're at least 30. All of them are on mommy and daddy's health insurance until they're 26 for crying out loud. So freaking glad I'm old and not a part of that completely messed up generation. And FYI my son is 35 and moved out when he was 18. He was told growing up to be prepared because he was on his own at 18 and if he didn't like it he could lump it.
#28
i’m 21 years old and my dad still tracks my location when i go out. if i hang out with my friends past midnight (pre-quarantine) he’d get mad and try to call until i left. they’re also on my case about applying for a job, which i’ve been actively doing. they’re not necessarily supportive, they just think “she’s gotta do it.” i live with them still so i never make phone calls while i’m in the house because they’ll walk in and interrupt me, asking who i’m talking to and what i’m talking about. it’s super embarrassing if the person on the other end hears them. i have an entire separate “brand” of social media that they don’t know about because they follow all of my personal socials and always comment if i post something they don’t like, so i feel like i don’t have free range to post about certain things (sexuality is a big one but i don’t even like using bad language or talking about alcohol) even though i’m an adult and can make decisions for myself. vanishingpals allows me to post what i want and just be myself online. i’m still terrified they’re gonna find out about it someday. i still feel like every decision i make revolves around them and their reactions. i don’t go shopping often, i don’t make plans with friends easily, i don’t use facebook because my dad still has my password and i hated using it after that. he tried to get my email password too, but i refused to give it to him. my mom apparently comes into my room to check out my stuff either when i’m asleep or when i’m not there. she used to come in to check my phone for messages so i started shutting my phone off at night. (and i just found out my dad checks to see if i’m awake by using the Find My Friends app to see if my phone is on.) one time, she noticed something in my room and asked what it was. i told her i didn’t want her to know (because it’s private and mine) and she said “you know i’ll just come in when your not here and look at it.” i’ve never wanted to punch someone more, if i’m being honest. this affected my brother too. he just got married without telling any of us (separate story, he had a good reason) and now he feels super uncomfortable talking to our parents about it because of this horrible helicopter thing they’ve done. helicopter parents are the absolute worst and at times, it’s straight up abusive. i have absolutely zero sense of privacy and it’s honestly driving me over the edge. the lack of boundaries makes me not want to pursue anything they won’t like and i feel like i don’t have total free range or control of my life, even though i’m an adult who could handle everything on my own. i think they’re trying to keep me safe and secure? but it’s just invasive and the fact that they don’t even think twice about it (especially my mom; sometimes i call my dad out and he listens) just makes it especially horrible. tl; dr: please don’t track your kids like this, i really, really, really hated it growing up and still have a space for resentment for them.
Whodathunkit 3 years ago (edited)
This might be unpopular, but I have never tracked my kids' phones or social media. I have taught them about the dangers out there...but I believe they need their space. I trust that they will make good decisions. I trust that they will communicate with me if they mess up. I have faith in them. I think that says a lot to them. I dunno. I'm certainly not a perfect mom...but I love my kids. I respect their autonomy.
Markus It/He 3 years ago
This is also my mum's attitude. I tell her pretty much everything because I can, she won't flip out. I trust her and we're very close
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Pursuing Peonies 3 years ago
Idk if they know this, but you can and should change your passwords fairly often. And if you have someone you don't want getting on something that requires a password, change the password.
Miocha 3 years ago
This! My dad did that to me too. Back then when smartphones were still unaffordable, my dad always checked me via text message. Every single time. If I didn't message him, he would call me. He also said that I have to give him my Facebook and email password because it's the wisest decision. Like, no. I didn't give it to him. And now, I'm an adult and married. He still calls me at inappropriate time, talking about something unimportant or complaining about things that make him uncomfortable, trying to guilt trip me because I can't give him a comfortable live. It's exhausting.
Stephanie Cunningham 3 years ago
My mother expects me to call her twice a day, every day, at scheduled times. If I'm out with my boyfriend or involved in a house project or any other thing that might take me away from my phone near a scheduled call time, I am supposed to let her know in advance. If she calls or texts and I don't answer, she will call and text repeatedly until I answer. She once called/texted me 10 times in four minutes. I am 52 and have not lived at home in 27 years. It's a MILLION times worse for my sister who lives with her.
Elio 3 years ago
Maybe block her for a while? This is ridiculous. And tell her why you're doing it.
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Eva Dukes 3 years ago
I have all my kids 15 & 21 on track, not being a helicopter but just to know things like did they miss the train because they’re not home from work yet or if I need to ask them something, is it a good time to call EG: they might be at work or at a friends or to see if they’re near a store and wouldn’t mind popping in to get milk etc. I’m not interested in what they get up to or who they’re with they’re good people.
DBK 3 years ago
Why not text them. Then they can text back when they choose/can do it! I like to give them their privacy. It is none of my business where they are!
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Rusty R 3 years ago
I have never tracked my kids or even stalked their social media. When they were younger and got their first cellphone, I reminded them that it's ACTUALLY my phone and if I had any reason to suspect they were doing something illegal or unsafe, I reserved the right to go through it, and I did have social media passwords until they were like 13, but never felt the need to use them. Now both of my kids understand why I said those things, and will come to me or my wife if they have a problem or if they need help with something. We offer advice but do remind them they make their choices, and have to live with the consequences.
christy may 3 years ago
You need to get a job and move out of your parent's house. Problem solved.
Terry Plank 3 years ago
So what you are saying is they have ypur phone on tbeir plan and you ate living under their roof still. If you want independance that starts with you becoming independant.
Kevin Moore 3 years ago
For adults with parents like this, if you want to post whatever you like on Facebook, check out the friends accept... Option. You can exclude whoever you want to.
#29
They are unable to fend for themselves, have crippling anxiety, poor social skills, and a fear of failure. They have a hard time coping, are risk adverse, and generally can't make decisions.
April Dancer 3 years ago
The weirdest part is that they most likely weren't raised like that themselves. My Brother was doing this to his kids, raising them to be totally dependent, no idea about handling their finances or supporting themselves, and when I questioned him he said he didn't want them to have the strict upbringing he had. After I picked my jaw up off the floor and stopped laughing, I reminded him that he wasn't denied a thing when he was growing up, he had no curfew (I did, despite being 5 years older and having a steady boyfriend, because obviously, as a girl I couldn't be trusted out later). He was given the freedom to be his own person, which, ironically, he stole from his children.
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Mason Dalmau 3 years ago
I had a similar situation growing up, which was compounded by divorced parents with drastically different parenting methods. The inconsistency I'm sure was incredibly detrimental, though idk what I would have done if I couldn't escape my mother every other week. My main issues ended up being lying and procrastination. Lie about everything, always. You always f****d up somehow, so you might as well try to hide it or defer the repercussions, right? Work? F**k that, I worked enough for a lifetime as a child. Two hours of chores per day, and 10-14hr work days on the weekends. All while demanding that my homework be done somewhere in the few hours I had. This was to ensure I had no leisure time. I remember one day, it was winter and we were working outside far past dark, and when I was finally allowed in, I went to wash my hands and the water felt like I was being scalded because they were so cold. The moment when I realized that the "scalding" water was just the cold side of the tap... oof
Sabrina Akins 3 years ago
I'm pretty liberal, so I just told my son (turns 20 this month) "if it's something you think I'd be offended by, then you probably shouldn't post it". (he's clear that having different opinion than me is fine & encouraged) I also have worked in Corporate Security so that colors what I do & my guidance to him - "the Internet is forever" has burned employees I work with/supported, so... Yeah.
#30
Adults who rely on their parents to make decisions.
Kallen Kneeland 3 years ago
Don't the parents who do this to their kids never realize that someday they won't be there for their kids (mortality is 100% and most kids outlive their parents). What kind of selfish control freaks don't get that their job as a parent was to teach kids to be independent adults?
Tricia Frank 3 years ago
I appreciate so much of this article, but I must also add there is a way to be friends with your parents at a certain age and take their advice like you would a sibling or close friend.
Sande Knight 3 years ago
Adults who have been systematically brainwashed to rely on their parents to make all decisions.
#31
My cousin is a nervous ball of wax, despite an Ivy League undergrad and a law degree from Cardozo that my uncle and aunt paid for and pushed him on for the first 25 years of his life.
He makes less money than a Panera employee (yep, even as a lawyer- he can’t get a decent firm associate position because he’s a nervous mess), he is deeply closeted, and would feel a lot better if he just admitted he was gay. Instead he’s hiding under the guise of Orthodox Judaism and wondering why every religious friend of his is married with 3-5 kids a piece by the time they’re 32.
Felice Coles 3 years ago
Sounds like a miserable life: suffering at his job, at his religious institution, with his friends...
Azure Adams 3 years ago
this is not uncommon in the orthodox community to varying degrees. I have treated many men and women with even helicopter communities and they addiction rates, depression rates, anxiety rates in all of them were very high. Loads of generational and religious trauma to contend with.
#32
at 22 years old: - I was on a date and did not answer my phone. Within an hour or two, my mother tracked my location and showed up outside my date's apartment, crying. She had my dad calling me on repeat the whole time so I had a ton of missed calls, messages, etc. (Before I left I had told her where I was going, who I was seeing, and had texted her so she knew I had arrived safely.) - One night around midnight I drove my girlfriend to Steak n Shake for milkshakes. I was called irresponsible, dangerous, disrespectful, etc. I told my parents in advance where I was going and let them know when I made it back home safely. But I did not text them while at the drive-through, which was reckless and unsafe apparently. They could track my location the entire time. - I moved across the country and my mother followed me and now lives there as well. - While living with her, she trained me to be anxious. When I tried to leave the house, she would tell me statistics or stories of people who died that week (murder, hit by car, fell on train tracks, kidnapped, etc). All the dangers of the world. Or, it was too hot/cold, or I seemed sick. - When I told her of jobs I wanted to apply for, there was some reason it wouldn't work out, the hours would get me out of work after dark or I'd have to walk too far, she didn't want to drive me, the job wasn't safe, etc. - She tried to get my dad to bully me out of going on a road trip with my friends (that I had been planning for 6+ months and already paid for some things). The day of the trip she cried until I cancelled. It wasn't until these events that I realized anything was wrong. I adored my mother and had no boundaries with her. If she called, I answered. If she wanted me home, I would come home. If she said a certain degree wasn't a good choice, I changed my major. If she had an opinion, it was objective fact. I couldn't make a single decision without getting her opinion. Now? I need extensive therapy, am incredibly anxious, struggle with decision-making, and I'm trying desperately to get on my own feet. Damn coronavirus has set that back a little bit though. Now that Im breaking down the illusions, I have to re-work how I've viewed the world, relationships, and family dynamics for over two decades. It's traumatic. Editing to add why I put up with it/lived with my parents so late: I was taught my entire life that my parents were giving me a good healthy life and that everything happening to me was normal/good. I was homeschooled and my mom kept me somewhat socially isolated, and monitored/edited the media I consumed as a kid. It took me a LONG time to realize that I was somewhat brainwashed to her anxiety. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
EpicWolfandSparrow 3 years ago
This thread is scaring me. It's too accurate. Right down to the homeschooled friendlessness. :/
#33
A V-22 Osprey. No identity of their own, gets tilted easily and high maintenance.
#34
I’m completing a thesis on this! They are more likely to: use pain medication with a prescription, have a prescription for depression and anxiety, use unhealthy coping strategies, feel alienation from peers. That’s off the top of my head. But it’s a really fascinating topic!
Azure Adams 3 years ago
therapist here and can confirm your finding will be the same stuff I see with clients with childhood trauma due to extreme enmeshment (helicopter parenting).
#35
1.) I moved to a different country. 2.) I do not go back to visit. 3.) When they come visit, they stay in a hotel. 4.) My husband, who was not raised in an overbearing environment, is always present when they visit. He serves as a reality check and is effective in shutting down misbehavior. 5.) I'm going to have to explain one day that they wont be allowed unsupervised visits with any children I have.
#36
28 years old with highly abusive helicopter mom. Up until she died 4 years ago my life was an anxious mess. I never had to think for myself as a kid since she was the one always deciding who i got to hang out with or what my future should look like. I slowly started rebelling when i left for college 1000 km away but i didnt free myself from her grip until she died. I have absolutely no ambitions, i finished college and studied what she wanted me to, but i have 0 interest in my career and could not care less about continuing my education (i'm a doctor so this should be important, but i just dont care) I am super lazy, i procrastinate a lot, i was used from a young age to have her breathing down my neck making sure i got stuff done, so now that she's gone i see no reason to make the effort. I have a really hard time making decisions, i'll get really anxious and i almost always need someone else to help or validate me. I also get very very anxious when i have to turn someone down, tell someone something thats bothering me or just stand up for myself in general. This has been an issue with my SO. This could be because of her abuse and not because of her helicoptering though. I also have a really hard time being okay with disappointing people. My mom would lose her s**t if i failed her, she would get really hurtful and sometimes she would resort to physical violence. I will do stuff i dont want to just to avoid feeling i let someone down. This is a hard one because not only have i done projects or chores i didnt want to, i have also done sexual things with partners i did not feel comfortable with just to avoid them thinking i am not good enough. Working on this though. Lastly, because my mom was so overbearing, when i finally left for college i realized the best way to get her off my back was to lie. I would lie to her all the time, about my grades, me friends, the people i dated, if i thought that something would bother her just a little bit, i lied. Now i still struggle with this, i lie to my dad, my friends and my SO. Not big bad lies like ripping them off or cheating or whatever, but i will find myself continually sugarcoating things, leaving important details out or just right out inventing things (for example i lost my wallet a few weeks ago because i was goofing around, but i told my SO and my dad that i had been robbed just so i didnt have to hear them tell me i should be more careful). I dont even plan on lying, it comes out on its own and then i would look bad if i corrected myself :c All in all my life is pretty good now, i have a loving SO, we just bought an apartment and i have a steady job, but i always look at other people with their own dreams and ambitions and wonder how that must feel, i just float through life with no real goal except getting my paycheck so i can buy something/go out to eat/get a present for my SO.
Diolla 3 years ago
You're so honest. Very enlightening. Happy to see you're doing OK. If your current mentality troubles you a lot, maybe you could find a coach (not a shrink, you don't need that) to sort that out. I did and it helped me a lot, now I am happy with myself even though I have issues.
OneHappyPuppy 3 years ago
I feel this, my parents weren't the definition of helicopter parents but were really controlling
#37
I know several graduates of a high end private preparatory high school who have said that, by age 30, they attended more funerals than weddings for their former classmates because the suicide rate was so high. They all had had helicopter parents and took any sort of setback in their lives as a failure because they lacked any sort of coping skills.
Edit: I will also add that they were all said to lack any intrinsic joy or motivation in their own lives. They completed degrees and took jobs that made their parents happy or that were socially acceptable in the elitist/rich circles they grew up in instead of pursuing their interests. They also apparently had no understanding that things like marriage and children weren’t just 100% happy if done right so they internalized any marital or familial strife as personal failings.
Azure Adams 3 years ago
This is unfortunately the biggest truth and the parents still don't get it
#38
My mom was the original helicopter parent. My dad was a stereotypical "fun dad" who my mom didn't trust *at all* to look after myself and my siblings. Adulthood was hard. I had zero real life skills. Moved out when I was 18 to go to school in another city. My parents found me an apartment, paid the deposit, connected the phone/internet for me, sent me enough money for rent each month. My bf moved with me, he had a very different upbringing. It was a rough first year and I honestly can't believe he didn't just dump me. Not only did I not know how to do many, many things, I honestly wasn't even really aware that some things needed to be done. I had never been taught things like that there was a specific day of the week on which garbage would be picked up, for example. I had to learn *everything* from how to cook a meal to how to make and follow a budget. Now I'm 40 and have kids of my own. As a parent I am *much* more relaxed than my mom (or even my husband). I actually lean well into the "benign neglect" end of the parenting spectrum. I held a lot of resentment towards my mom for years for not teaching me things, and for "saving" me all the time. I love my kids like mad, so I let them fail and learn from their mistakes. My kids are way more competent as kids than I was as an adult. They know how to budget and save, how to cook and clean and are learning so many other aspects of "being a real person". I still struggle with some things, but I was also diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and that certainly plays a part for me. Unlike some of the other responses here, I don't struggle with anxiety. I'm rather probably not anxious enough about things. My default reaction is to blindly trust that something will "save me" in the end. Not always a great way to be.
#39
Well I have gone fully noncontact and I look like s**t a lot because I have crippling depression and don’t take care of myself well. Though it was more overly controlling narcissistic tiger parent b******t than classic overly invested pta mom type s**t. EDIT: Read through some other responses and saw that everyone was being brutally honest so — extremely mentally ill & qualifying for disability accommodations — eating disorder they never bothered to do anything about f****d up my heart and it has almost given out several time — permanent scars covering one arm and a large parts of the rest of my body — can’t put value into anything, nothing in the future appeals to me, I have no passions/goals/etc & I’m mostly dealing with it by popping any pill I can find — have absolutely no regard for my safety because I’m pretty sure I’m a toxic presence on the world — holding relationships is painful because I’m always convinced my friends are conspiring against me and I’m very heavily burned out by minimal social interaction. Being alone really f*****g hurts though so it’s a catch-22 But I’m in one of the top business schools in the country, am holding down 3 jobs, managed a 3 year relationship, and am 100% financially self sufficient since age 20. Also they tried to commit tax fraud after I cut them off and I dragged lawyers in and ends up with 100k so that’s cool I guess.
SparkleFarts 3 years ago
(((Hugs))) my love!! So so many hugs!! Other than their tax fraud, this sounds an awful lot like my parents.
Kallen Kneeland 3 years ago
It's not you who is a toxic presence in the world, but the abusers who treated you this way. May you get the help you need/deserve and recover enough to enjoy your adult life.
#40
I had a friend in college who will be 25 in a few days, and to this day her mother requires her to call when she gets to work and everytime she gets home. If she doesn't call, she will be called within minutes of arriving at a location. Her crazy mother tries to decide which boys she should date regardless of compatibility with her daughter. So she's been single for over three years now, and doesnt understand why. She uses tinder but refuses to leave her home city, so she is very limited. Her personality has slowly become "I own a cat" because she won't leave her comfort zone at all. The mom hates video games so she stopped playing them because she will get yelled at over the phone for doing so. Its really sad.. I miss the girl I knew I college and had so much fun with. She wasn't obsessed with finding a boyfriend, she was always down for adventures. Even though we don't talk I worry she's going to be forced to become a mom before she's ready because her mother just wants her to pop out kids and go to church. If she's happy I guess that's what's important.
#41
I'm 25 and it took moving to a different continent to realize my mom is the root of my anxiety problems. Even as far back as high school I sort of had to separate parts of my life so she wouldn't take over. I never told her about assignments or named friends. I don't date because I'm too emotionally distant to maintain a relationship. She's let up on my younger brother a lot but she still treats me like an invalid who can't do basic household chores. She hovers over me when I cook so I basically lived off frozen food. She also constantly tells me that I'm unqualified for my job and it's made me seriously doubt myself in the past. When I try to have hobbies she'll either get involved and take over, or if she can't do that she'll try to disrupt me if she sees me doing something I enjoy. When I was living on my own for the first time I realized that I have no problem with chores and cooking. My mom was just so stressful to be around that it was making me shut down and not want to do anything. When I moved to a different country my anxiety completely went away (my acne literally cleared up lol). As it turns out the farther away I am from her the less crippling my social anxiety is.
#42
If I'm around my parents. I better not make my own decisions. Even if it's the best one, since it is mine - it is wrong.
loyalhufflepuff07 3 years ago
My mom always assumes that even though she might be wrong, she is right just because she is the parent. She never lets me give any reasoning for my answers or opinions because if I do I'm "talking back"
EpicWolfandSparrow 3 years ago
This. Makes me always second guess myself. Makes me wonder why I bother with anything
Load More Replies... Felice Coles 3 years ago
You: "Yes, yes, uh huh, sure..." (makes your own best decision anyway)
Taylor ßudd 3 years ago
Best response to this, "oh yeah? Good thing I'm not you. F**k off cuntface"
#44
I ended up having to remove my parents from my life, and at first, it was really hard. But seriously, they've controlled every aspect of it: * When I was a kid, my internet time was limited and supervised. I was allowed like an hour a day on electronics. * I wasn't allowed to play any violent video games. I really only played Mario Kart. * I wasn't allowed to play Pokémon because it had evolution in it. * I wasn't allowed to read Harry Potter because it was magic and magic is bad. * They decided which college I went to when I was 18. They decided which degree I got. When I was struggling to find work, they pushed me to go into a field I didn't want, which I am now stuck in. * When I was sick as well, it was really rare I went to the doctor. At one point, I was dying from a bad case of pneumonia, and they refused to hospitalize me, even though I was almost dead (quite literally). My lungs were full of fluid, and my oxygen level was running at 82%. Even on oxygen, that number didn't go up. Once I moved out of my house, I started to talk to them less, until last year I finally just decided to cut them off. Talking to them gave me anxiety, and they always tried to steer my life a different direction, so I figured it was better to cut them off completely. At first it was hard, but it's gotten easier over time.
#45
College seniors who don’t know how to find resources on basic things like housing, mental health, how to find a job, and other basic functions that are necessary for someone to live an independent and productive life. I know of one person who didn’t even know how to fill out a basic job application to work as a bagger at the local supermarket. This same person also drove four hours every week to have their mom wash and iron their clothes for the week because they couldn’t figure out how to operate the machines in the local laundromat and said figuring it out was too much work. I was floored.
#46
Went no-contact with my helicopter mom in May of 2018. I was 25. She sent me bi-weekly emails trying to talk to me. Texted me random things, like a photo of her cat, from her phone and her husband's phone. Her last email consisted of her telling me she was going to come over to my house, and if I wasn't there, she was going to come to my work to find me. A week after that email, I packed up everything and moved 1200 miles away without telling her. She messaged a "woe is me" sob story to my SO's mom about how "worried" she is because she "can't find me." Still talks to her to this day. Then on this past Saturday, she calls my job and says, "Hi [name], this is mom." I hung up immediately and am now seriously searching for jobs. I don't care what it is, I need to change jobs NOW. I'd get a restraining order, but she is just out of the legal requirement for stalking. A lawyer laughed at me when I asked them if I can have one.
I'mNotARoboat 3 years ago
She's literally harassing you and stalking you but a lawyer laughed at you wtf?
#49
Adults with helicopter parents. Know a few they moved away to college and parents followed and moved where they moved and had them move in with them. Mid 20s and parents run their lives same as when they were teenagers.
#50
I will tell you. At 32, he still lives with his mommy. Mommy wakes up everyday before he goes to work to make him a smoothie, and hands it to him. He leaves his clothes on floor of the bathroom, and mommy picks it all up and washes all his clothes. Mommy folds it and puts it in his room. This guy has been dating the same girl for 10 years and they are still dating and only see each other on the weekends. Mommy washes, cleans, and does EVERYTHING for him. It's pathetic.
loyalhufflepuff07 3 years ago
This makes me so angry that this even happens. Eventually they're going to have to learn!
#51
Mental illness. Bad at articulating and defending themselves, indecisive, poor communicators.
#52
My parents were/are really overbearing and our family is very enmeshed. My brother is in his 40s, calls my mom every day and will still go to her about decisions in his life, but he gets a break because he's a man, and married and has kids. My sister and I are in our late 30s and 40s and both unmarried with children, so in my mom's eyes we're still children. I had a medical issue that required surgery a couple years ago, and my mom was still trying to make appointments for me and wanted to go to my doctor's appointments. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness and she asks to see copies of my labwork so she "can get a second opinion" even though I told her I didn't need one. She assumes every job I get myself is a "bad" job and tries to get me to look for something better. OH and she is a nurse and was potentially exposed to COVID, did that stop her from giving me the guilt trip when I don't feel comfortable seeing her for her birthday? Nope.
#53
They have imposter syndrome, are depressed and anxious. I was raised by a helicopter mother.
#54
They look like my brother in law, a 32 year old gamer who just got his drivers license and who has only had one date, which my mother in law chaperoned. He’s never had a job, never pays rent, never had sex, just sleeps until 2 or 3 pm and goes to bed whenever the f@ck.
#55
I grew up with strict Evangelical parents. Fundamentally, I have a good set of principles and fortitude, and there were 9 of us (I’m one of 6 boys, 3 girls), so I didn’t expect any miracles. They definitely had control issues and I pretty much cut them out of my personal life after I got my BA and left home. It was mostly my mother and my father going along with it. It’s better now, but mostly because of distance. In answering your question, the biggest damage is being severely under-developed emotionally and being vulnerable to abuse. As such, many children of helicopter parents have ambivalent relationships because they don’t know what they need or what to expect when confronted with relationships outside of authoritarian figures. Good principles helps you personally, but most people you come into contact with are petty, manipulative, abusive and violent and indifferent, and I was woefully unprepared knowing how to navigate that. Emotionally, I’ve also had a lot of issues with attachment and seeking acceptance, even when My first long-term relationship was exhausting as I did all of the work, while being abused and disposed of eventually. I’ve improved but learning how to advocate for yourself is difficult and I have problems with anger, which I think is a healthy normal emotion. But now when I know people are gaslighting me and trivializing my concerns, I lash out.........and since I’m not an angry person.......I don’t really always know how to manage that. I’m mostly avoidant or I cut people off now. I know those are extreme options, but abusers, controllers and disrespectful people need to be explicitly told about why their behaviour is unacceptable, they need to be accountable and they need to know that any future interaction is contingent on their behaviour changing. Some people don’t change.
Karen Lyon 3 years ago
No, see, most of the people you come into contact with are NOT "petty, manipulative, abusive, and violent". Those are the ones who stick around, because you don't know how to make them leave you alone, and healthier people can't be around you because it's too stressful.
#56
I think there is three routes: 1. That person has never been able to get away from their parents. It is like an emotional dependence where there is an intense need of validation. There might be inability to make decisions for themselves. Those people tend to put a wall around themselves from the world and would feel extremely sharply to rejection. 2. The type that would become extremely wild. In a sense that they will do the opposite of anything that the parents would want them to do. They tasted freedom and got addicted to it. So, anything that cause them to feel like they are being controlled will be received in extreme hostility. However, they are crippled by insecurity. 3. This type was able to get off from the feeling of dependence and learn to make decisions for themselves. They also learned to control their feelings and establish their values well. This type of person started from the bottom, learning independence, coping skills, and their own emotions. They might experience a lot hardships due to the lack of certain life skills that they should have learned throughout childhood development such as right coping skills. However, humility and self awareness can save them from the insanity of this world without experience or knowledge of these life skills.
#57
Romani culture is inundated with domineering parents who make peremptory demands, expect deferential reverence, and their children to be subservient. You have the juxtaposition of an over-indulgent mother who's children are trammelled by her living vicariously through them and an authoritarian father who imposes his rigid, often antiquated, sensibilities up in them. The repercussions are an entire generation of Roma who cannot assimilate in western societies, a manipulated dependency upon Elders who luxuriate in their authority, no self sufficient, no gumption, no adaptability, tempestuous tempers, social ineptitude, contemptuous disregard for education, and no prospects. Too many are maladjusted and incapacitated by a lack of autonomy.
#58
They live in fear of all new experiences. Turns out never falling off the monkey bars, never learning to ride a bike, and never having a sleepover lead to never falling in love, never learning to manage your finances, and never having fun. Kids with helicopter parents turn into boring adults.
#59
I dated a girl who was an only child and had a helicopter mom. She couldn’t make decisions, had to talk to her mom daily (before cell phones), and was pretty much a narcissist. She cheated on me, I guess her mom told her to always look for something better. We talked once about 20 years later on Facebook, she was still single and after about 3 back and forth updates she made some shi**y comment about my wife (whom she had never met) so I blocked her immediately. She got married around age 45 I guess because her last name was changed on LinkedIn. What is funny is that her married name is something horrible, like Focker. Poor guy.
#60
I honestly think it depends on the child. A very independent child will probably rebel. A dependent child might flourish to a point. I've noticed all types of kids react differently. Some do well and some don't. It's just like kiddos that grow up in an abusive household. Some kids will find away to flourish as they need and some kids will suffer.
#61
Kids with helicopter parents can grow to become jaded because of so many missed opportunities. Granted, some things they may have missed out on may have very well saved their lives but there is still that regret. It's important to create some distance as you grow up if you find yourself under this type of roof not simply to get away from your parents but to grow as a person. You will get older and your parents won't always be there to make every decision for you. It is important to learn how to steer the rudder under normal circumstances because it does not take a lot of time before the tides change.
#62
I was a kid with a helicopter parent. I ended up developing two EDs, developing severe anxiety, depression, and PTSD, I was willing to marry someone who was super abusive so I could leave the house and just get away, if I wasn't working or at school my senior year I drugged myself with benadryl so I could sleep all day and developed a dependency and I've been to jail twice over said ex although one of the charges have been dropped because it was false accusations (I'd legit already been to court over this same thing just with different dates I dont know how a grown a*s man looked at that and didnt laugh her out of the room but what ever) and I'm currently in the process of getting my life together...... oh also the school kind of begged her to get me checked for ADHD as a kid and she wouldn't because she just didnt want to and she had a hero complex because she "saved" me from a "lifetime of taking pills" in reality all that happened is I only completed highschool thanks to the pandemic because regular highschool just didnt fit my needs I couldnt concentrate Edit to add something I forgot: I would also be punished for self soothing and stemming in school which she for some reason was fine with so my life was honestly hell until I moved out
#63
As someone who is 21 and has helicopter parents i can tell you that we get very clever in hiding things and very paranoid about the smallest things. My parents still check my bank account to see what I purchase, read through my text messages, and is very strict on playing video games. But I can tell you that from years of this I have found ways around it. I have a venmo card to hide purchases, use dms on Twitter or discord to talk to people, and setup macros to mute and switch applications in one keystroke to avoid getting caught playing video games when i shouldn't be.
#64
Honestly, me and my husband are trying to figure this out. My MIL is a total helicopter parent; if one of us (me, my husband, or his brother) doesn't respond to her messages within an hour or two, she'll bombard the other two about where we are/if something happened to us. She freaked out on me when I didn't respond to her after three hours (we were doing a cross-country drive) and accused me of trying to shut her out and said we're never going to be a real family because of the "walls" I've built up around myself. I don't know what to do. My husband won't stand up to her as much as I want him to, but I can't do this for the rest of my life. We have to establish some boundaries, but it's not my mom, so I can't be the one to initiate.
#65
Detached from said helicopter parent. Not mine, but one of my best friends. I'm amazed she hasn't done drugs the moment she moved out of her mom's place but she's doing well for herself now and is all good.
#66
I've interviewed them for work. I will not likely ever hire one. When they ask for their parents to join the interview (yes they do that), I know a couple things, first they will not have any idea what confidential means for our corporate info, mom and dad will get it all including client information, second, they will not be reliable to do anything at all on their own, they will have to be walked through everything. In short, they tend to be extremely unhirable for the roles I interview them for.
#68
They either grow up to be non functioning adults that depend on their parents entirely, or they vastly limit their interactions with (if not cut them out completely) and become fully formed adults. My parents were incredibly controlling, saying they were helicopter parents would be an understatement. They were also incredibly abusive, so despite their best efforts, I've done alright for myself. When they die, I will be over the moon. And judging by how ignorant and stubborn they are, that might be very soon.
#69
When I was coming up, this term hadn’t been invented...my father was a ‘control freak’... Sadly, children who have no say in their own lives are quite likely to run a bit haywire - or have a breakdown - when they go away to school...
#70
I’ve known a couple people whose parents were in ABSOLUTE control and here’s what I’ve seen so far. - number 1, they either go wild child style and go crazy. Some of them do drugs, drink often, and are really bad at making decisions because their parents have made decisions for them. Usually, they were the baddest in the group because once they were out of reach of their parents they flipped their switch. A lot of them aren’t aware of “Consequences of their actions”, because when you have someone making decisions behind the scene, you won’t experience the consequences and learn from them. This results in a lot of them having to learn the consequences when their much older and messing them up for a long time. -or number 2 they turn out to be extremely independent. Another half of these children turn out to be extremely independent, not relying on any outside help and some of them also fully cut off communication with said helicopter parent or parents. They also turn out to be successful and very capable people. A lot of them learn through experiences with friends and don’t end up having to learn about “consequences of their actions.” Because they’ve already learned.
#71
I mean from what I’ve learned from books and witnessed from my friends... - they can’t stand up for themselves or make decisions - trauma typically runs deep and they develop some sort of trust issues - their work ethic is god awful if they get the opportunity to get out of their parents control - and, obviously to us, spectators, but not to the helicopter parents, theyre typically depressed & end up with low self esteem. My evidence? I took a bunch of psychology/sociology classes (even though I’m younger I still value being able to learn about children and the impact their parents & their parenting styles have on them). A decent amount of my friends also have helicopter parents. My friend complains to me constantly about how her work ethic got significantly worse after she left for college. Her parents are better now sure, but their consistent pestering forced her to stay on top of her work. Same thing goes for my neighbor....his mom actually DOES his projects. He’s off to college this year and I often wonder how he’ll handle it.
#72
I’m in the midst of dealing with this exact thing. My helicopter mother still tries to call the shots in my life, my wife’s life, and my sons’ lives. I’m 37 years old. I’m trying to set boundaries. My new boundaries are being received by my mom as withholding my family from her presence. My mom is telling my kids that I’m brainwashing [them] and teaching them lies about her. The victim roots run deep with my mom. Here are some more details: (Fair warning, it’s a lot.) January 2020: My dad became ill with a misdiagnosed illness. His condition deteriorated. He was transferred to a leading University Hospital ICU. My dad was diagnosed with “a Coronavirus, we just can’t seem to figure out which one.” Tests for COVID-19 hadn’t been invented yet. February: (Money was the only way my dad knew how to show his love/support to his kids. Rather than bleed my dad dry, I asked for his financial support on an “as needed” basis, and I rarely needed his support.) My dad was a safety net for me, monetarily. Since my dad was in the ICU and deteriorating, I saw what may need to happen, so I explained to my baby-mom that [...] I may need to file for child support if my dad died. (I’ve had my boys for seven years without filing for child support.) My dad died of “a Coronavirus,” which caused my mom to lose her mind. March: Lockdown began. Wife is out of work, I’m “essential.” I tried to mend the bridge with my mom, twice. Each time, my mom tried convincing me that my wife is wrong for her part in the falling out. My mom tried convincing me that I was wrong for my part in the falling out. My mom tried convincing me that she was without fault in the falling out. Okay, noted. April: No change. The Department of Child Support determined a certain dollar amount that my kids’ mom is required to pay. The payment amount is based on my household income/expenses, baby-mom’s income/expenses, and the amount of time we each spend with our kids. I have my kids 90% of the time, per court orders; Also, baby-mom dipped out of the state and lives 680+ miles away. A hearing is scheduled. My mom openly interpreted my boundaries as abusive and neglectful behavior to my kids. May: Work reopened. I went on furlough for mental health reasons. My dad died from COVID, and my work wanted me to screen guests on their way into my place of work, a casino. I had problems with that. June: My boys’ mom started her court-ordered visitation. At the beginning of her visitation, she improperly served me with Emergency Custody/Visitation Revaluation paperwork. In her paperwork, baby mom quoted my mom, citing my abusive and neglectful behavior. I confronted my mom and asked her if she’s colluding with my kids’ mom, and she said yes. I said, “This means my kids could get taken away from me, mom. What happens if my kids get taken away from me, mom?” She replied, “What if your kids get taken away from you?” Since then, I’ve been investigated by my county’s Sheriff’s department as well as Child Protective Services for allegations of abuse/neglect. Baby-mom’s request was denied. She filed the same thing again. It was denied again. Baby-mom said she’s not going to return my kids. The Court isn’t helping because “this is a civil matter, not criminal.” Law enforcement isn’t helping because, “We don’t have orders to remove the children from her (baby-mom’s) custody and return them to your custody." Silver lining: My attorney said that my baby-mom’s behavior is common and the court system knows it. A parent who is suddenly required to pay any amount of child support typically panics; they then try to smear the other parent in an attempt to get out of paying child support. My attorney also said that my mom’s behavior is common, and the court system knows it. A grandparent who is suddenly denied access to their grandchildren will side with whichever parent grants them access to the grandchildren, even if it means alienating their own child.
FinkAdele 3 years ago
I registered specifically to respond to this post. This thread is all about me, but this post... I don't have kids, but it vibed with me the most. I cannot imagine how dreadful it must be to have your children kidnapped and discovering their "grandmother" is involved... It is shock for me. I hope law would be eventually by your side.
#73
The technical term is "disasters" I think. They're often utterly incompetent at life - both personally and professionally.
#74
Anxiety, immaturity, inability to make decisions, identity crisis all the time, psychological self-abuse. And when they have kids of their own, they'll do the same.
#75
Oh me! I cut them out completely and flipped my life. Entering the world for the first time as an adult was terrifying, however, as I had little real life skills and crippling anxiety/doubt. I'm painted as the villain in my family, but f**k if I care... I couldn't live with their abuse any longer. All that being said, I'm positive their terrible parenting is the reason I have zero desire to start a family or exist in anything permanent. I carved my path on running, and, unfortunately, it worked so well for me a decade ago that I just can't give it up. In recent years I have tried, and I am pretty blessed to be around people that understand it and support me "running in small doses," if that makes sense. I am still a high strung soul, I am flighty when I get too cozy, and I ultimately feel like a burden in any long term relationship, but I'm an overall drastically different and an exponentially happier person.
#76
Bulldozer parents, the extreme version of helicopter parents that push away everything in their child’s way.
#77
Helipads. Parents just continue to use them if the child didn't cut them off.Worst case scenario,they live with their parents and are unemployed.Their "looks"are predominated by indecisiveness,a slighter thinner or bigger build,and usually with a hobby that seems inexpensive at first,but gradually becomes unbearable.They also end relationships and friendships based on their parents' decisions. If they had cut off their parents,then they are ALMOST a normal adult.Almost because their parents keep pestering their life every day till they die.But what is beautiful about them is that they will usually never do what their parents did.
#79
it never stops. you can never truly feel "free" or independent. even when you are making close to 800 or 1000 a week, are successful, have your own things going on etc etc...it never stops. there's always this weird "thing". im not sure if it's overprotective? it's just odd
#80
I had mild helicopter parents, partly because they had trouble conceiving and because I’m an only child (extra protection, extra attention on myself with no siblings). Most recently, I realized how bad it was when I became engaged a year and a half ago. We wanted to get married where we currently live, whereas my parents insisted we get married by them because I’m the bride (about 475 miles away). They refused to contribute a cent to the wedding because of the dispute (not even for invitations or a cake topper? No). My mother kept asking why I was pushing my family away, which got worse last Christmas when I spent the holiday with my fiancé’s family for the first time. My mom called me crying on *Christmas Eve* because she insisted that I’d rather be in his family than my own and that she doesn’t know me anymore because of how distant I’ve become. Which is such utter bs because it’s healthy to need space once in a while, and it’s perfectly normal for a couple to split their holidays between families (we spent Thanksgiving with mine that year). We’re better now, but postponed the wedding because of how much drama was happening with my family, and how distraught I was that I couldn’t please everyone. We still don’t have a date partly because the whole planning experience was so traumatic the first go-around.
#81
A friend of mine just cheated on his wife, and moved out. They're on their way to a divorce. His wife has a helicopter mother. When I asked him if he thought they could work it out he replied very seriously, "her mom knows I cheated so there's no going back even if I wanted to." In other words, he didn't even mention his wife's feelings about being cheated on or their marriage, her mother was such a force between them that he regarded her as the ultimate response. Toxic.
#83
I was not raised by helicopter parents however I notice most my girlfriends with helicopter parents either never left moms house or only moved out of moms house when literally married and planning to be a housewife....they are adult women with no control in their lives.
#84
Not me but a close friend. She's in her early thirties and struggling. She moved across the country to take a dream job and her parents will still visit her for months at a time and call her everyday. I once watched them flip out and call her 15+ times because they didn't listen when she told them where she was going and she didn't check in as she was at a movie. This was just a few months ago. It's always shocking to see her interract with them because she is constantly seeking their approval like a young kid. She's actually the most social person I know and makes friends really easily as her parents were very social, just extremely strict. She's really struggling finding a partner because she didn't start truly dating until she was 29. She had a few flings but everything had to be kept secret so she never had the option to truly date people. She is really behind in terms of dating intelligence and has a lot of drama and ghosting as a result. Think about the cringey things you did when you started now put that in a 33 year old. To make matters worse her parents are now wanting grandkids and wondering why no one wants to date their daughter. They've even tried arranging marriages and we aren't in a culture that does it. It's really effected her self esteem but I guess she always thought when she was ready to settle down and start a family her perfect partner would just show up? I've tried gently guiding her to not get obsessive and be patient but she has been single for so long it's not easy.
#85
I mean I still live with my parents because I’m too scared to fail if I move. I’m 18 :/
Gemma jones 3 years ago
i moved yes you will fail, at first but then you wont ever again, and you will feel amazing
#86
It's complicated actually. It depends on how the helicopters interacted with their kids, and the types of restrictions. Then you have a narcissistic element that can really roll the dice. Usually they're fine, but over compensate as parents. It really depends on the degree of helicoptering, and rarely on the child. Be nice, push them off a pier. Don't let them drown.
#87
When they have kids theirselves, they will likely not develop the proper experience to raise their own children and their helicopter parents will become helicopter grandparents, dictating every action of the parent for good or for worse.
#88
In contrast to some of these comments: My mom and aunt had four kids each. My aunt was a helicopter mom, and my mom definitely was not. My aunt’s kids are all pretty well adjusted and successful. Us four are arguably in worse shape. I dont think a blanket statement can be made about helicopter parents and their kids. I feel it’s a pretty diverse result from that kinda parenting.
What do you think ?
Rens 3 years ago
I had the opposite of a helicopter parent, I grew up with parental neglect so I will send you like having absolutely no life skills when I moved out of home at 17. I didn't know anything about opening a bank account and managing my money. I was always expected to f**k up and fail at everything; I was in my forties before I was finally diagnosed with Asperger's but I struggled with dyslexia, depression and anxiety and developed borderline personality disorder. I've worked extremely hard on myself over the years and I'm very proud of what I have achieved. I struggled with low self-esteem my whole adult life and it was only in my mid to late 40s that I discovered my own self-worth and recovered my self-esteem. My ex-husband had helicopter parents and it totally f****d him up. I think now he is a lot better off and doing something he enjoys. His father has passed away but his overbearing mother lives in a different country to him and he doesn't have much contact with her. Our daughter will be 21 next month and she has her head screwed on straight. She's smart and savvy and independent and has the life skills both her parents lacked at that age.
SCP-3998 3 years ago
I had 1 of both, was a psychotic game of push and pull.
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Alphabet Soupy 3 years ago
I had a coworker buddy in her 30’s like that. One evening she came over to my place to make decorations for a work contest. While we waited for pieces to dry, we took my dog for a quick walk and bc it was a *quick* walk, left our phones. As we were walking back, I see my then husband waiting for us outside looking worried. He handed her the phone & said it was ringing non-stop. my heart sank thinking she had a family emergency hours away in her hometown, but nope. It was maybe 8pm and her mom was calling to make sure she was home and getting ready for bed. My friend lied and told her she was. This girl had issues for days and eventually I had to cut her out of my life. I believe her mom was controlling and expected perfection bc even though she had super low self esteem, anxiety and an eating disorder, she was ruthlessly competitive, unethical and a pathological liar. Who also semi-stalked her friends. And a quick, hot temper, blew up every time I tried giving advice.
joop 3 years ago
With some ppl I first thought their parents were the problem. Goodness, why so controlling, treat him like an adult, but then it turned out that they had major problems, were very reckless and childish, some mental problems and I was like: maybe those parents also don't really have a choice to treat em like an adult. It was a bit of a mix, too controlling on one hand, but on the other hand a bit understandable.
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Markus It/He 3 years ago
I have a friend with parents who are like half neglectful and half helicopter parents. They (my friend) are a very closeted enby ace who bought a pride flag at a camp we were at together and then panicked because they didn't know where to hide it. They have to deal with being constantly misgendered and deadnamed because they don't dare come out. They have autism and a physical disability and they do their best to hide their physical pain and their discomfort when their sensory needs are not met because their parents flip out on them for this. They are still a minor and have no way out. Their parents have threatened to slit the throats of their dogs if they leave. Not to mention while all of this is going on they get bullied a lot at school and elsewhere (relating to the autism and physical disability) so they have terrible self esteem
Markus It/He 3 years ago
They're a close friend of mine and I've promised they can move in with me and my parents (their parents don't know where we live) whenever they can because honestly it's no way to live
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LangiStudios 3 years ago
I remember watching a report many years ago on ABC News. It was when Peter Jennings was still alive and working there, and I was about...20/21 maybe? Anyway, they were talking about this "new phenomenon" of baby boomer parents (yes, they used that term) writing their children's college essays and applications for them, writing their resumes *and* attending their college and job interviews with their children. When I tell you I was sitting their slackjawed by what I was seeing and hearing. When asked why the parents were doing this, at least two of them said that they were just doing for their children what they wished their parents had done for them. Even at my still-green age, I knew that was a recipe for disaster.
LynzCatastrophe 3 years ago (edited)
My parents are. I moved back to my hometown at the start of 2020 because my husband got a good job. I had already been away for 10 years in another province to get away from them. Un the past nearly 3 years, nothing has changed. We moved into one of my dad's rental properties which turned out to be a big mistake. He actually repeatedly drives by the house to see if we're home and if he finds out my husband isn't working because he actually wanted a day off, my dad freaks out and threatens to raise rent, kick us out, insults my husband, ect. Just this week he threatened to sell the house and make me move back home and him on the streets. I will be homeless before I spend a single day at their house. Everytime I spend any time with them, they just go on about what a disappointment I am, and get mad that I don't come by as often. Why would I? It took me ten years to find my confidence and independence and they destroyed it in two.
LynzCatastrophe 3 years ago
My husband and I are now looking for a new place at any price. It's safer to pay more money than to constantly have that over our heads, and knowing my dad can't come over whenever he wants. In a year, we plan to leave again, he's already working on a transfer request and my job allows me to work wherever as they would fly me to my location every rotation. This was the last straw, I am done with my family. Trust me, there's so much to this.
Load More Replies... Max 3 years ago
I (they/them) am too anxious about my parents reaction to come out about my gender. My mum is incredibly homophobic - i came out as bisexual at 14 with a girlfriend and she rejected me. At 19 realised I was also nb and have never told her. Coming home I know now she likes (surprisingly) my girlfriend; but hates my sexuality. I will never tell her who I am. I was homeless for three months because of my sexuality and I can't do that again.
Lydi 3 years ago
I'm so sorry you can't share things like that with her. Whether you do or don't is up to you, but just know that you are valid and you deserve to be yourself no matter what anyone says.
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Tiffany Wilson 3 years ago
Very few of these stories were about actual helicopter parents. Mostly this was about extreme control.
Joerct Drew 3 years ago
21 years old, was actually raised by my grandparents (who where originally helicopter parents to my aunt, uncle and mother and was the same way to my sister and I). Moved out at 18 and I'm glad I went low contact.
Helpful Reviewer 3 years ago
I'm going to try to keep this brief because it is pretty long and complicated. I didn't have helicopter parents, but a helicopter grandparent. I moved in with my grandmother because she asked me to, didn't want to live alone. After I moved in and with my daughter, I was a single mom, I noticed she was doing everything she could to undermine my parenting and try to be my daughter's mom. This went on for a few months and all my family would point out that she needed to back off, she wouldn't listen. Finally, over Christmas, my daughter wanted to spend a few days with my parents and my grandmother says "absolutely not", completely shocking my surrounding family. My daughter looks at my grandmother and says, "I was asking my MOM!" My grandmother was taken aback and my family applauded. After that, my grandmother must have figured out she wasn't an authority over my child or me and backed way off.
Rens 3 years ago
I had the opposite of a helicopter parent, I grew up with parental neglect so I will send you like having absolutely no life skills when I moved out of home at 17. I didn't know anything about opening a bank account and managing my money. I was always expected to f**k up and fail at everything; I was in my forties before I was finally diagnosed with Asperger's but I struggled with dyslexia, depression and anxiety and developed borderline personality disorder. I've worked extremely hard on myself over the years and I'm very proud of what I have achieved. I struggled with low self-esteem my whole adult life and it was only in my mid to late 40s that I discovered my own self-worth and recovered my self-esteem. My ex-husband had helicopter parents and it totally f****d him up. I think now he is a lot better off and doing something he enjoys. His father has passed away but his overbearing mother lives in a different country to him and he doesn't have much contact with her. Our daughter will be 21 next month and she has her head screwed on straight. She's smart and savvy and independent and has the life skills both her parents lacked at that age.
SCP-3998 3 years ago
I had 1 of both, was a psychotic game of push and pull.
Load More Replies... Alphabet Soupy 3 years ago
I had a coworker buddy in her 30’s like that. One evening she came over to my place to make decorations for a work contest. While we waited for pieces to dry, we took my dog for a quick walk and bc it was a *quick* walk, left our phones. As we were walking back, I see my then husband waiting for us outside looking worried. He handed her the phone & said it was ringing non-stop. my heart sank thinking she had a family emergency hours away in her hometown, but nope. It was maybe 8pm and her mom was calling to make sure she was home and getting ready for bed. My friend lied and told her she was. This girl had issues for days and eventually I had to cut her out of my life. I believe her mom was controlling and expected perfection bc even though she had super low self esteem, anxiety and an eating disorder, she was ruthlessly competitive, unethical and a pathological liar. Who also semi-stalked her friends. And a quick, hot temper, blew up every time I tried giving advice.
joop 3 years ago
With some ppl I first thought their parents were the problem. Goodness, why so controlling, treat him like an adult, but then it turned out that they had major problems, were very reckless and childish, some mental problems and I was like: maybe those parents also don't really have a choice to treat em like an adult. It was a bit of a mix, too controlling on one hand, but on the other hand a bit understandable.
Load More Replies... Markus It/He 3 years ago
I have a friend with parents who are like half neglectful and half helicopter parents. They (my friend) are a very closeted enby ace who bought a pride flag at a camp we were at together and then panicked because they didn't know where to hide it. They have to deal with being constantly misgendered and deadnamed because they don't dare come out. They have autism and a physical disability and they do their best to hide their physical pain and their discomfort when their sensory needs are not met because their parents flip out on them for this. They are still a minor and have no way out. Their parents have threatened to slit the throats of their dogs if they leave. Not to mention while all of this is going on they get bullied a lot at school and elsewhere (relating to the autism and physical disability) so they have terrible self esteem
Markus It/He 3 years ago
They're a close friend of mine and I've promised they can move in with me and my parents (their parents don't know where we live) whenever they can because honestly it's no way to live
Load More Replies... LangiStudios 3 years ago
I remember watching a report many years ago on ABC News. It was when Peter Jennings was still alive and working there, and I was about...20/21 maybe? Anyway, they were talking about this "new phenomenon" of baby boomer parents (yes, they used that term) writing their children's college essays and applications for them, writing their resumes *and* attending their college and job interviews with their children. When I tell you I was sitting their slackjawed by what I was seeing and hearing. When asked why the parents were doing this, at least two of them said that they were just doing for their children what they wished their parents had done for them. Even at my still-green age, I knew that was a recipe for disaster.
LynzCatastrophe 3 years ago (edited)
My parents are. I moved back to my hometown at the start of 2020 because my husband got a good job. I had already been away for 10 years in another province to get away from them. Un the past nearly 3 years, nothing has changed. We moved into one of my dad's rental properties which turned out to be a big mistake. He actually repeatedly drives by the house to see if we're home and if he finds out my husband isn't working because he actually wanted a day off, my dad freaks out and threatens to raise rent, kick us out, insults my husband, ect. Just this week he threatened to sell the house and make me move back home and him on the streets. I will be homeless before I spend a single day at their house. Everytime I spend any time with them, they just go on about what a disappointment I am, and get mad that I don't come by as often. Why would I? It took me ten years to find my confidence and independence and they destroyed it in two.
LynzCatastrophe 3 years ago
My husband and I are now looking for a new place at any price. It's safer to pay more money than to constantly have that over our heads, and knowing my dad can't come over whenever he wants. In a year, we plan to leave again, he's already working on a transfer request and my job allows me to work wherever as they would fly me to my location every rotation. This was the last straw, I am done with my family. Trust me, there's so much to this.
Load More Replies... Max 3 years ago
I (they/them) am too anxious about my parents reaction to come out about my gender. My mum is incredibly homophobic - i came out as bisexual at 14 with a girlfriend and she rejected me. At 19 realised I was also nb and have never told her. Coming home I know now she likes (surprisingly) my girlfriend; but hates my sexuality. I will never tell her who I am. I was homeless for three months because of my sexuality and I can't do that again.
Lydi 3 years ago
I'm so sorry you can't share things like that with her. Whether you do or don't is up to you, but just know that you are valid and you deserve to be yourself no matter what anyone says.
Load More Replies... Tiffany Wilson 3 years ago
Very few of these stories were about actual helicopter parents. Mostly this was about extreme control.
Joerct Drew 3 years ago
21 years old, was actually raised by my grandparents (who where originally helicopter parents to my aunt, uncle and mother and was the same way to my sister and I). Moved out at 18 and I'm glad I went low contact.
Helpful Reviewer 3 years ago
I'm going to try to keep this brief because it is pretty long and complicated. I didn't have helicopter parents, but a helicopter grandparent. I moved in with my grandmother because she asked me to, didn't want to live alone. After I moved in and with my daughter, I was a single mom, I noticed she was doing everything she could to undermine my parenting and try to be my daughter's mom. This went on for a few months and all my family would point out that she needed to back off, she wouldn't listen. Finally, over Christmas, my daughter wanted to spend a few days with my parents and my grandmother says "absolutely not", completely shocking my surrounding family. My daughter looks at my grandmother and says, "I was asking my MOM!" My grandmother was taken aback and my family applauded. After that, my grandmother must have figured out she wasn't an authority over my child or me and backed way off.
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