“I Don’t Care”: Woman Tells MIL To Get Out After Coming Unannounced While She Was Sleeping
Marrying someone, for better or worse, does mean dealing with their family. This can be a wonderful thing, a source of free food and babysitting, or it can mean having some folks who feel like they are entitled or your time and energy.
A woman vented to the internet about her MIL who would constantly show up uninvited and unannounced, to the point where she had to blatantly tell her to get out. Instead of having her back, her husband decided to throw a tantrum. We reached out to the wife in the story and will update the article when she gets back to us.
In-laws are often very very good at overstepping boundaries
Image credits: Alexander Grey (not the actual photo)
One woman had to kick her MIL out of the house after she kept showing up uninvited
Image credits: Specialist_Cattle597
Image credits: Selcuk S (not the actual photo)
The MIL joke has a long and storied history
While “annoying mother-in-law” jokes might be the territory of comedy-hacks these days, this worn out genre does have some pedigree. While many jokes in history go unrecorded, no doubt due to scribes being joy-kills, some of the first instances appear to come from the ancient Romans.
The poet Juvenal, in Satire VI, jokes that no one can be truly happy while their mother-in-law is still alive. Given the Roman attitude towards women, this is possibly one of the most intense cases of punching down ever recorded. Then again, there are enough horror stories about in-laws that at least some of these jokes start to truly make sense. It wouldn’t be the first time an overbearing mother was the reason for relationship drama.
This is evidence that these jokes go back even further, if this sort of reference can be made without further elaboration. For whatever reason, unlike a lot of other ancient humor, this sort of joke could be made today and still get a few laughs every and then. Fortunately, without context, it has started to appear more like hack-humor.
Interestingly, most “current” mothers don’t actually find these jokes that offensive. One survey found that actual mothers-in-law saw the jokes as inoffensive, although not particularly funny. The reasoning was simple enough, they believed that they didn’t exhibit this sort of behavior, so these jokes simply didn’t apply to them.
Image credits: Priscilla Du Preez / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Personal boundaries are very important in any kind of relationship
The real issue isn’t that this woman is the wife’s mother-in-law, although that complicates things. It’s that she seems to be entirely unaware of normal personal boundaries. While some might see them as limiting, the truth is that boundaries are actually entirely essential for healthy relationships. Otherwise, as this story demonstrates, one person will just develop more and more resentment towards the other. This is often the genesis for so many breakups and divorces.
This can be particularly difficult with family, as a lot of the “normal” social norms are not there. After all, your parents have probably changed your diaper, how exactly do you make them understand what they can and cannot do? In laws can be even worse, as the only one who can really stop them is your partner, and, as this story shows, sometimes one’s partner does not at all hold the same boundary.
As many of the commenters noted, most of us would never show up at a close friend’s home unannounced, so why exactly should an in-law feel like this is acceptable. Unfortunately, this woman is going to need to sit down with her husband and make him understand. The fact that he is “embarrassed” means that he has fully overlooked her needs and wants in this situation, which is not the stuff that lasting relationships are made of. There are countless failed relationships that originated in the things people chose to keep to themselves.
Some folks wanted more details
Most thought she was not at all to blame
A few thought her reaction was too much
Some thought she was absolutely in the wrong
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The YTA's are dreadful. It's common courtesy to call before you visit to find out if it's convenient. This especially applies when there is a newborn. My guess is that the YTA's need some serious therapy themselves. Being a grandparent and/or a MIL does't entitle you to anything. I so hate parents who ask their children when or whether there will be a grandchild. Not your business.
The YTAs are definitely people who show up unannounced and uninvited.
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I feel like the YTAs are probably men who have no idea how bad and long birth recovery can be. If someone woke me up from a nap after finally getting my infant to bed, id probably murder
The MIL and her husband walked into the room when her breast were out, i cant belive nobody commented on that. Nobody wants that to happen, and to be woken up when you have just fallen into sleep can be quite painful and upsetting, especcialy when you are sleep deprived..
Hubby invited his mom, she didn't show up uninvited. He just didn't tell OP she was coming. That makes him the AH. Mom earned her own AH award by trying to drag OP out of bed. Why couldn't she visit with her son (quietly) until OP woke up from her nap?
I think it's more likely his mommy didn't tell either of them, but his wife had already put her foot down about uninvited visitors and demanded he sets boundaries with mommy, but he doesn't want to do that, so he lies to his wife that she's announcing her visits to him and he doesn't see why he needs permission from his wife to see his mom to hide the fact that he enables her to do as she pleases.
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How privileged the ytas are. I would set fire to anyone who just showed up at my house without calling and i don't even have a baby. I don't care who you are. Even with family I need to prep for a visit. Having MIL just walk into my bedroom- which, btw, is weird in an of itself- is not okay. Now she could pull the MiL aside and tell her she really can't come if she doesn't tell her it's okay first. If she uses the excuse that she didn't answer the phone well... too bad. That means she's not available and she should try again later. And if hubby tells her it's fine then that's a convo to have with him. And if you don't care how I feel, then you should deal with the stress of how much attention that baby needs so let him take over. Hand him the baby and lock the bedroom door and get a nice long nap in. Baby screaming? Diaper change? Need to go to work? Too bad. Take care of it. A few times of that and he'll be more than happy to tell mom no.
All those who think ESH and YTA are a******s themselves. Didn't they read the part where BOTH the husband and MIL enter the BEDROOM while she has her breast exposed after breasfeeding?!!! Couldn't the husband at least entertain his mother in the living room while OP rested? Maybe make her breakfast or take her to eat ouside? I feel mad and I'm not the OP.
Anyone who thinks this poor woman is an AH definitely does not respect anyone else's personal space or time. You DO NOT barge in on a breastfeeding/sleeping mother with a young baby. When you're post-partum and sleep deprived the last thing you want is to worry about entertaining other people in your home. The husband needs a wake up call and to understand she has certain boundaries that need to be upheld. And anybody who pulled a blanket off me and told me to get up for their unannounced visit would immediately lose a hand!
Husband should be the one to soothe the baby because it's not had enough sleep and it's nap schedule completely messed around. Don't get me wrong, my child napped in a buggy (fortunately) and my life didn't revolve around it. But we still stuck to the times and lord help everyone if we didn't. 8 month olds need routine. And I'm not even going to start on being barged in on in your own house let alone bedroom
My husband and in-laws are like this. My MIL has respect though and would never come into my bedroom. I have talked to all of them, they dont see my point I dont need to be told when my in-laws are coming over its there farm. I even tried to bribe my FIL by telling him that if I know when hes coming over I will have fresh baked bread for him. Still doesn't help. They were here everyday of the school holidays, i ended up taking the kids camping i couldn't handle it any more because they expect you to sit at the kitchen table for hours talking about people you dont know and dont care about.
That sounds hideous. Nice that MIL hits the low bar of decency of staying out of your room, but they need to respect the fact that it's YOUR house. I am sorry.
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The YTA and ESH must be childless or entitled. No F-ing way I would schedule fam to see my wife and newborn without teaming with my wife. Sleep at that stage is soo important for the mother and the baby. Plus there’s this thing called texting/email/calendars and it eliminates all the he said she said
I am completely freaked out by MIL coming in your bedroom…and while you are asleep and exposed… then trying to rip your blanket off like you are a child. That lack of boundary is creepy. Who raised these people!! You are not the a*****e for any of it.
What a perverse group of trash to be adding thr YTAs. Id say I lost faith in humanity but those "people" are the reason I already had none.
The one about "it's 8 months, you should be recovered and not need to rest" was particularly infuriating. It can take years for a body to fully recover from pregnancy, all muscle tearing, etc. to heal, all minerals to be restored from the depletion pregnancy causes. Every person is different. Especially if OP has some PPD (post sounds like she may), she needs care and understanding, not "get up and be used as something to enhance other people's lives rather than having your own wants or needs."
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All YTA's can take a cactus up their pee holes! I'm actually surprised at OP's restraint. If it were me, hubby would have needed to call a priest for the extremely massive amount of hell I would have rained down on them both! Y'all nailed it by saying all the YTA's ARE those that show up uninvited smfh
My husband does this all the time. He'll tell me someone is coming, like the day before, and then I have to clean frantically, because our house just isn't always company ready. (11 cats) It doesn't bother him but we all know who gets blamed if the house is messy or stinky or whatever. I'm (F72) and I can't do stuff like I used to. He'll give me excuses, like he forgot, or he told me (when I know he didn't) but I think it's just because he doesn't want to be involved in any prep. He's retired so...He'll do this about other things too, just not inform me of stuff and I'll hear from someone else about it. I get pretty annoyed but doubt he's going to change at this point. If she can get her husband to understand about boundaries and communication...don't wait until you're 110.
Maybe the OP can turn it around on the MIL and see how she likes it. Wait till about 7:00 pm drive 3 hours and wake her a*s up at 10 or 11 at night and wake her up with the same excuse "I didn't drive 3 hours for nothing, come on get up". Do it a few times and see if it doesn't stop.
I mean, there's no reason at all the MIL and husband couldn't wait an hour and a half. Instead they walked into a room while a person was naked and saw no issue? The MIL travelled 3 hours and she can spend that hour and a half with her baby boy while the new mom and baby sleep. People saying YTA are obviously either men "that child is also his" or MILs who pull the "I'm a mother" card all the time. That's some serious red flag issues
Her husband is the problem. Why the f**k did she pop out his kid? What did you actually expect of your moron husband? This cannot be new behaviour to you.
The article was pretty clear that it’s not new behavior hence why she finally snapped.
Load More Replies... I am surprised by the yta votes. Plz ignore them. U r totally NTA. Plz remind ur husband and MIL tht u r not an item but a fully grown adult human being who cant be taken for granted. Moreover u r a mother taking care of a baby and will hv ur own share of physical necessities. He is treating u like an item taking u for granted doing whatever he wants. Ask him how wud he feel if the roles were reversed and he was also treated like tht without any consideration. The actual problem is MILs taking DILs for granted and so husbands grow up seeing it as normal. U got to tell ur man child to grow up!
i'm not a mother, i'm not going to be, but even i know you don't f**k with new moms. the husband and MIL are equally at fault for assorted reasons, and i hope this woman and the baby divorce from them asap, jesus.
NTA. First the husband should have discussed the visit with his wife! Having a baby is alot of work and very tiring. Second the husband's mother should have never been in the bedroom! And to try to get her up by pulling off tge blanket is inappropriate! I would have thrown them both out too!!
My brother and his family live twenty minutes or so walk away from me, but even so I would never *dream* of just showing up on their doorstep unannounced.
Why not just say, "Sorry, I wasn't expecting anyone. (Name of husband) didn't let me know you were coming. Sorry, I just woke up but he'll take good care of you." And let him take care of unexpected guests - he can order in, make them a cup of coffee, whatever, just as well as she can, can't he?
Both hubby and MIL are treating you like you're the resident slave, as in, "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, hop to it you lazy b w i t c h". I wouldn't put up with this s h i t and I can't uinderstand by you bred with this jerk. HOOF HIM IN THE NUTS!
Yta's lack empathy and common sense. That's the simplest and nicest way to put it. Makes me wonder if they were a single child and their parents put em on a pedestal....
When my oldest was an infant, my mom came to "help out". When she banged on my door the first morning, and told me I had slept long enough, I knew in that moment she wasn't the grandmother I was hoping she'd be. Raising children without help from family is definitely possible, but incredibly lonely.
Your husband should have told you his mother was coming, they should not have walked in on you while you were sleeping(mother in laws don't belong in your bedroom) you could have been a little less rude...All 'round everyone is an AH...time to lay some boundaries down or you're in for some terrible times
Time to get a lock on that bedroom door!! Each of them need to evolve. The mother in law needs to adjust that this isn't her daughter or her baby, she does need to respect boundaries. The dynamic is different now. Let the daughter in law get used to being a new mum. Let her take her time adjusting to life now. Don't manipulate her son knowing it will unsettle them as a new family unit. The husband/son needs to grow some balls. He needs to accept that his role is now of a mediator between his mum & wife. Which means being able to tell his mum that the timing doesn't work this time. The timing might be better when the baby is older; but first needs to check with his wife if she feels up to being bombarded with visitors or is she too tired this time. Support her decision. He doesn't have to please his mum on every occasion, he has a new family now & his mum isn't in charge of it. The wife needs to adapt, there are going to be times when her husband & childs needs/wants his mum around.
We only have her word that husband didn't tell her...maybe she was too tired and forgot?
Possibly. Thats no reason to walk into her room after she's exhausted from feeding the baby, andputting said baby down for a nap; to DRAG HER OUT OF BED. And otherwise be very rude to her trying to rest from producing food for her child.
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Not the AH. I think OP should talk to MIL and SIL and calmly explain the problem to them. Ultimately, it would probably be best to schedule all future visits with OP only, as her husband can hardly be relied upon in this regard. OP should make it clear, that not everyone is the same and that OP can't handle unannounced guests as well, as MIL and SIL apparently can. That baby doesn't always work "according to schedule" and OP herself is sometimes just too exhausted, to receive visitors. After all, visits should be an enjoyable experience for everyone involved... not just for the guests.
If someone wants respect, they should give respect first. Plus communication is key, especially for preparing for a visitor. If one knew (not psychically) one could prepare their schedule, have snacks, and wicked stories ready. Unexpected visitors are as bad as a fly in your drink
The YTA's are dreadful. It's common courtesy to call before you visit to find out if it's convenient. This especially applies when there is a newborn. My guess is that the YTA's need some serious therapy themselves. Being a grandparent and/or a MIL does't entitle you to anything. I so hate parents who ask their children when or whether there will be a grandchild. Not your business.
The YTAs are definitely people who show up unannounced and uninvited.
Load More Replies... I feel like the YTAs are probably men who have no idea how bad and long birth recovery can be. If someone woke me up from a nap after finally getting my infant to bed, id probably murder
The MIL and her husband walked into the room when her breast were out, i cant belive nobody commented on that. Nobody wants that to happen, and to be woken up when you have just fallen into sleep can be quite painful and upsetting, especcialy when you are sleep deprived..
Hubby invited his mom, she didn't show up uninvited. He just didn't tell OP she was coming. That makes him the AH. Mom earned her own AH award by trying to drag OP out of bed. Why couldn't she visit with her son (quietly) until OP woke up from her nap?
I think it's more likely his mommy didn't tell either of them, but his wife had already put her foot down about uninvited visitors and demanded he sets boundaries with mommy, but he doesn't want to do that, so he lies to his wife that she's announcing her visits to him and he doesn't see why he needs permission from his wife to see his mom to hide the fact that he enables her to do as she pleases.
Load More Replies... How privileged the ytas are. I would set fire to anyone who just showed up at my house without calling and i don't even have a baby. I don't care who you are. Even with family I need to prep for a visit. Having MIL just walk into my bedroom- which, btw, is weird in an of itself- is not okay. Now she could pull the MiL aside and tell her she really can't come if she doesn't tell her it's okay first. If she uses the excuse that she didn't answer the phone well... too bad. That means she's not available and she should try again later. And if hubby tells her it's fine then that's a convo to have with him. And if you don't care how I feel, then you should deal with the stress of how much attention that baby needs so let him take over. Hand him the baby and lock the bedroom door and get a nice long nap in. Baby screaming? Diaper change? Need to go to work? Too bad. Take care of it. A few times of that and he'll be more than happy to tell mom no.
All those who think ESH and YTA are a******s themselves. Didn't they read the part where BOTH the husband and MIL enter the BEDROOM while she has her breast exposed after breasfeeding?!!! Couldn't the husband at least entertain his mother in the living room while OP rested? Maybe make her breakfast or take her to eat ouside? I feel mad and I'm not the OP.
Anyone who thinks this poor woman is an AH definitely does not respect anyone else's personal space or time. You DO NOT barge in on a breastfeeding/sleeping mother with a young baby. When you're post-partum and sleep deprived the last thing you want is to worry about entertaining other people in your home. The husband needs a wake up call and to understand she has certain boundaries that need to be upheld. And anybody who pulled a blanket off me and told me to get up for their unannounced visit would immediately lose a hand!
Husband should be the one to soothe the baby because it's not had enough sleep and it's nap schedule completely messed around. Don't get me wrong, my child napped in a buggy (fortunately) and my life didn't revolve around it. But we still stuck to the times and lord help everyone if we didn't. 8 month olds need routine. And I'm not even going to start on being barged in on in your own house let alone bedroom
My husband and in-laws are like this. My MIL has respect though and would never come into my bedroom. I have talked to all of them, they dont see my point I dont need to be told when my in-laws are coming over its there farm. I even tried to bribe my FIL by telling him that if I know when hes coming over I will have fresh baked bread for him. Still doesn't help. They were here everyday of the school holidays, i ended up taking the kids camping i couldn't handle it any more because they expect you to sit at the kitchen table for hours talking about people you dont know and dont care about.
That sounds hideous. Nice that MIL hits the low bar of decency of staying out of your room, but they need to respect the fact that it's YOUR house. I am sorry.
Load More Replies... The YTA and ESH must be childless or entitled. No F-ing way I would schedule fam to see my wife and newborn without teaming with my wife. Sleep at that stage is soo important for the mother and the baby. Plus there’s this thing called texting/email/calendars and it eliminates all the he said she said
I am completely freaked out by MIL coming in your bedroom…and while you are asleep and exposed… then trying to rip your blanket off like you are a child. That lack of boundary is creepy. Who raised these people!! You are not the a*****e for any of it.
What a perverse group of trash to be adding thr YTAs. Id say I lost faith in humanity but those "people" are the reason I already had none.
The one about "it's 8 months, you should be recovered and not need to rest" was particularly infuriating. It can take years for a body to fully recover from pregnancy, all muscle tearing, etc. to heal, all minerals to be restored from the depletion pregnancy causes. Every person is different. Especially if OP has some PPD (post sounds like she may), she needs care and understanding, not "get up and be used as something to enhance other people's lives rather than having your own wants or needs."
Load More Replies... All YTA's can take a cactus up their pee holes! I'm actually surprised at OP's restraint. If it were me, hubby would have needed to call a priest for the extremely massive amount of hell I would have rained down on them both! Y'all nailed it by saying all the YTA's ARE those that show up uninvited smfh
My husband does this all the time. He'll tell me someone is coming, like the day before, and then I have to clean frantically, because our house just isn't always company ready. (11 cats) It doesn't bother him but we all know who gets blamed if the house is messy or stinky or whatever. I'm (F72) and I can't do stuff like I used to. He'll give me excuses, like he forgot, or he told me (when I know he didn't) but I think it's just because he doesn't want to be involved in any prep. He's retired so...He'll do this about other things too, just not inform me of stuff and I'll hear from someone else about it. I get pretty annoyed but doubt he's going to change at this point. If she can get her husband to understand about boundaries and communication...don't wait until you're 110.
Maybe the OP can turn it around on the MIL and see how she likes it. Wait till about 7:00 pm drive 3 hours and wake her a*s up at 10 or 11 at night and wake her up with the same excuse "I didn't drive 3 hours for nothing, come on get up". Do it a few times and see if it doesn't stop.
I mean, there's no reason at all the MIL and husband couldn't wait an hour and a half. Instead they walked into a room while a person was naked and saw no issue? The MIL travelled 3 hours and she can spend that hour and a half with her baby boy while the new mom and baby sleep. People saying YTA are obviously either men "that child is also his" or MILs who pull the "I'm a mother" card all the time. That's some serious red flag issues
Her husband is the problem. Why the f**k did she pop out his kid? What did you actually expect of your moron husband? This cannot be new behaviour to you.
The article was pretty clear that it’s not new behavior hence why she finally snapped.
Load More Replies... I am surprised by the yta votes. Plz ignore them. U r totally NTA. Plz remind ur husband and MIL tht u r not an item but a fully grown adult human being who cant be taken for granted. Moreover u r a mother taking care of a baby and will hv ur own share of physical necessities. He is treating u like an item taking u for granted doing whatever he wants. Ask him how wud he feel if the roles were reversed and he was also treated like tht without any consideration. The actual problem is MILs taking DILs for granted and so husbands grow up seeing it as normal. U got to tell ur man child to grow up!
i'm not a mother, i'm not going to be, but even i know you don't f**k with new moms. the husband and MIL are equally at fault for assorted reasons, and i hope this woman and the baby divorce from them asap, jesus.
NTA. First the husband should have discussed the visit with his wife! Having a baby is alot of work and very tiring. Second the husband's mother should have never been in the bedroom! And to try to get her up by pulling off tge blanket is inappropriate! I would have thrown them both out too!!
My brother and his family live twenty minutes or so walk away from me, but even so I would never *dream* of just showing up on their doorstep unannounced.
Why not just say, "Sorry, I wasn't expecting anyone. (Name of husband) didn't let me know you were coming. Sorry, I just woke up but he'll take good care of you." And let him take care of unexpected guests - he can order in, make them a cup of coffee, whatever, just as well as she can, can't he?
Both hubby and MIL are treating you like you're the resident slave, as in, "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, hop to it you lazy b w i t c h". I wouldn't put up with this s h i t and I can't uinderstand by you bred with this jerk. HOOF HIM IN THE NUTS!
Yta's lack empathy and common sense. That's the simplest and nicest way to put it. Makes me wonder if they were a single child and their parents put em on a pedestal....
When my oldest was an infant, my mom came to "help out". When she banged on my door the first morning, and told me I had slept long enough, I knew in that moment she wasn't the grandmother I was hoping she'd be. Raising children without help from family is definitely possible, but incredibly lonely.
Your husband should have told you his mother was coming, they should not have walked in on you while you were sleeping(mother in laws don't belong in your bedroom) you could have been a little less rude...All 'round everyone is an AH...time to lay some boundaries down or you're in for some terrible times
Time to get a lock on that bedroom door!! Each of them need to evolve. The mother in law needs to adjust that this isn't her daughter or her baby, she does need to respect boundaries. The dynamic is different now. Let the daughter in law get used to being a new mum. Let her take her time adjusting to life now. Don't manipulate her son knowing it will unsettle them as a new family unit. The husband/son needs to grow some balls. He needs to accept that his role is now of a mediator between his mum & wife. Which means being able to tell his mum that the timing doesn't work this time. The timing might be better when the baby is older; but first needs to check with his wife if she feels up to being bombarded with visitors or is she too tired this time. Support her decision. He doesn't have to please his mum on every occasion, he has a new family now & his mum isn't in charge of it. The wife needs to adapt, there are going to be times when her husband & childs needs/wants his mum around.
We only have her word that husband didn't tell her...maybe she was too tired and forgot?
Possibly. Thats no reason to walk into her room after she's exhausted from feeding the baby, andputting said baby down for a nap; to DRAG HER OUT OF BED. And otherwise be very rude to her trying to rest from producing food for her child.
Load More Replies... Not the AH. I think OP should talk to MIL and SIL and calmly explain the problem to them. Ultimately, it would probably be best to schedule all future visits with OP only, as her husband can hardly be relied upon in this regard. OP should make it clear, that not everyone is the same and that OP can't handle unannounced guests as well, as MIL and SIL apparently can. That baby doesn't always work "according to schedule" and OP herself is sometimes just too exhausted, to receive visitors. After all, visits should be an enjoyable experience for everyone involved... not just for the guests.
If someone wants respect, they should give respect first. Plus communication is key, especially for preparing for a visitor. If one knew (not psychically) one could prepare their schedule, have snacks, and wicked stories ready. Unexpected visitors are as bad as a fly in your drink
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