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Becoming a mom is a significant life shift. For many women, whether they want it or not, their baby becomes their whole world. In fact, 79% of new moms say that they feel “invisible” as mothers. And it doesn’t help when their partners only see them as mothers to their children, either.
This dad didn’t quite get that as he grappled with why his wife was so angry at his note. In a well-meaning goodbye letter, he addressed his 2-year-old and 4-month-old but referred to his wife as only “Mommy.” The guy looked for advice online, and people’s opinions were split. Some thought the wife was being “delusional,” while others pointed out what he was missing.
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A wife got upset at her husband after reading his “sweet” goodbye note
Image credits: choreograph / envato (not the actual photo)
The husband didn’t understand her reaction and asked folks online if the letter was really that bad
Image credits: Fit_Bowl_7313
Many mothers lose a part of their identity when they give birth
Changing identity is a part of life; hardly anyone is the same as they were when they were 15, right? However, some life changes can be more jarring than others. For women, motherhood is often the shifting point: suddenly, your whole life becomes about other people and doing the things you used to do seems like a luxury.
The act of giving birth itself can be traumatic, both physically and emotionally. In fact, according to a recent survey of 2,000 women, 59% of moms feel like they’re unofficially “recovering” even two years after having their baby.
This loss of identity is linked with postpartum depression. According to one study, new moms feeling a loss of identity corresponds with depressive symptoms. When they become mothers, many women lose their previous status in certain groups like at work, among friends, and in their social life in general.
Founder and CEO of Thrive Postpartum, and host of the Let’s Thrive Postpartum podcast, Kelly Siebold, says that a loss of identity for mothers equals a certain kind of grief. But the most important thing is that it doesn’t have to impede a woman’s ability to be a mother. “You can love your baby and still grieve parts of your past self,” Siebold writes. “These feelings can coexist.”
Still, most moms feel like being a mother defines their whole identity. In Motherly’s 2020 State of Motherhood survey, 71% of moms said they felt “most strongly defined by their motherhood.” Stay-at-home moms were even more likely (87%) to think that.
Feeling fulfilled as a parent isn’t about being with your kids all the time
To be fair, dads also grapple with a loss of identity. A quite recent study from Headway showed that 49% of all parents feel like they lost their identity after kids. However, women experience this on a different level because of gender roles and societal norms.
“Women are also expected to ascribe to an unrealistic societal narrative that perpetuates the idea of women carrying most of the responsibility in the home,” notes licensed marriage and family therapist Gayane Aramyan. “[That includes] parenting the children and household management tasks like cleaning, cooking, or maintenance – making the transition into motherhood ten times more difficult.”
It’s natural for parents to still want and like the things they did before having kids. Passion for travel, hobbies, or career doesn’t just fade because a baby is born. In order to preserve their sanity, both parents need some time for those things so they can feel like themselves again. Licensed psychologist Stefanie Mazer, PsyD, explains that fulfillment as a parent isn’t just about being with your kids all the time.
“Social time, travel, and career freedom matter because they keep a person connected to their sense of self,” Dr. Mazer told Parents. “When those things fade, people can start to feel smaller inside, like their world has shrunk.” She recommends parents to get rid of the guilt of wanting to spend less time with kids and more doing activities that enrich them in other ways. That doesn’t mean a parent loves their kids any less.
Some commenters thought it was cute and didn’t understand why the wife was making such a big deal out of it
Most people called out the dad for being so clueless: “Nothing is directed to her”
But others observed that more was going on here and both wife and husband were right
And some thought the mom was completely delusional
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What do you think ?
Yvonne Dauwalder Balsiger 2 hours ago
It would be different if the kids could actually read this themselves. But this way, it's just a to-do list for her (read this letter to the kids, then practice letters with one kid and tummy time (?) with the other) while he addresses her as "mommy". Yikes. And really, unless the 2 year old shows interest, why practice letters at such a young age?
Emilu 3 hours ago
Hm. I think the letter is cute and I personally wouldn't be offended, but I can understand why someone would be, as well. Especially if she's primary carer (which typically women are) and she's already been relegated into 'mum' role by most other people, having it emphasised by her husband may not sit well if she's having trouble adjusting to the role. Not everyone wants their identity to be 'mum'.
Yvonne Dauwalder Balsiger 2 hours ago
It would be different if the kids could actually read this themselves. But this way, it's just a to-do list for her (read this letter to the kids, then practice letters with one kid and tummy time (?) with the other) while he addresses her as "mommy". Yikes. And really, unless the 2 year old shows interest, why practice letters at such a young age?
Emilu 3 hours ago
Hm. I think the letter is cute and I personally wouldn't be offended, but I can understand why someone would be, as well. Especially if she's primary carer (which typically women are) and she's already been relegated into 'mum' role by most other people, having it emphasised by her husband may not sit well if she's having trouble adjusting to the role. Not everyone wants their identity to be 'mum'.
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