What is the biggest red flag in a friendship for you? So many people have different opinions on this. I honestly am clueless and way too forgiving lol.
I made this because I wondered what you Pandas thought about friendships and what I should look out for because I am a mess. So yeah, please comment on your thoughts! Have a great day!
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When you realize that you always give what you can, but you never receive anything when you're the one in need.
I am not talking about goods or money, but about simple help or support in the difficulties that one may encounter.
It allows you to quickly tell the difference between a friend and a parasite.
A few red flags for me are:
1) They only come to me if they want something
2) hanging out with them drains me more than hanging out with others
3) they turn their backs when I need them
4) they never consider my input
5) they talk over me all the time so I never get to take part in any conversation
One way communication and well being check up then Blowing up my phone when they want something or during their emergencies.
people who are too religious. believe what you want but don't consider it the ultimate truth.
Or, even if you do consider it the ultimate truth, DON'T PUSH IT ONTO OTHER PEOPLE! They have the right to not believe, just as you have the right to believe!!!
If they accuse a innocent, for molesting kids, just because they don't like that person.
Manipulate people.
Their friends fear to stop the friendship, because the person is not right and will make your life a hell if you stop the friendship.
You always being the one to travel to see them. ALWAYS
I had the opposite problem. She would visit me, but if I asked her over from say 12 noon to 4 PM she would perhabs stay til 8 and I could hardly keep my eyes open. I have stopped asking her.
1) They leave you mid-conversation to hang with other people
2) They say something is "a joke" when really its hurtful and insensitive
3) They tell someone a secret they'd promised that they'd keep to themselves
Theres plenty more but these are the ones that happened to me personally
One of my friends (J) has a friend in one of her old schools. This friend told J that one of the girls (M) in the grade (7th grade) was PREGNANT. Apparently, M mysteriously dropped out of school in the middle of the school year. When M's friend S contacted M, M told her about her middle school pregnancy. M asked S to keep it a secret. S agreed, and told literally everyone about M's situation. Needless to say, M & S aren't friends anymore. M's return to school will also be highly awkward. Don't spill your friends' secrets.
I didn’t realize I was being used until I got treatment for addiction.
I had a friend who I would always hang out with, we were BFFs and I would always go to her house, go camping with her etc, I thought I was “using her”! But in reality we were both high functioning alcoholics and she was using me to drink with and go out with because what we were doing “wasn’t normal”. When I had enough and went to treatment she dropped me like a rock.
Don’t have friends you wouldn’t hang out with sober, be careful of people who only want to be around when you’re partying. It isn’t sustainable.
Took me way too long to notice this one. If you’re always nervous because getting one word wrong could make them mad. Walking on eggshells because you know they will give you the silent treatment for nothing at all.
When they're toxic. I had a friend from kindergarten to 5th grade(let's call her Destiny). Destiny had anger issues. She would bully me and my other friends and be toxic and make me angry at her and then the next day she'd be back to being nice and kind. I moved at the end of 5th grade and cut off contact from her completely.
How long ago was this? When I was younger I was a jerk. I hurt a lot of people. I recognize this and I am sorry if you are one of the people I hurt. I have changed quite a bit and feel bad about what I did.
TL;DR: Boundaries
I was a door mat growing up not having the self esteem to put boundaries. For me a huge red flag is when a “friend” doesn’t respect your “no”. If you don’t like something and the “friend” tried to convince you beyond once asking are you sure, that’s my red flag. I’ve become very protective of my boundaries and my real friends respect them. Full disclosure: I’ve got three real friends I’d do anything for. I’m an introvert and have social anxiety so this is an ample amount :)
This has really helped me realize how toxic one of my friends is, thanks :)
they always talk about themselves, but never ask you anything. it's a one way direction
Disrespect. Be it friendship, or any other relationship, disrespect alone turns out to be the biggest red flag. Period.
always lying to me, always talking over me, being a hypocrite, blaming me for everything, harassing other friends, and scared to end the frendship with crazy parents (this is a real friend)
When every apology is "I'm sorry you feel that way".
That it is not an apology but an excuse which is something completely different.
You're the one who's always messaging first... :')
My friend does this. I try to respond to her, but I'm just more busy than her. I make an attempt though, and show that in my texts to her. So don't use this advice as a one-size-fits-all thing.
1. Manipulation or gaslighting
2. Guilt tripping
3. Feel like you can’t even mention other friends let alone talk to them bc they’ll be mad or sad
4. Feeling like you can’t end the friendship bc your nice and it’ll hurt there feelings or they’ll be mad
5. Constantly walking on eggshells around them
6. Dreading seeing them or being emotionally drained after
7. Always having to do what they want, no compromising, and no balancing time with other friends
8. they get upset about everything and you always have to help and they never care if your upset
9. You make a playlist about them containing the songs “mean” “your not sorry” “this is why we can’t have nice things” and “the devil doesn’t bargain” among others
10. Googling the cycle of abuse, or quizzes about being manipulated/gaslit/emotionally or mentally abused with them in mind
11. When you are nice and always there for them but then you prioritize your suicidal friend (that they used to be friends with and pushed away like everyone else) over there tiny bit of drama and they call you a jerk and bad friend
12. When friends again they deny they ever said that
13. A rocky or unstable or on-and-off relationship
14. They are controlling or mean
15. You attempt suicide and relapse self harm bc of them
Sorry these are all so specific I’ve recently experienced them with someone hope they help, I’m also clueless and too forgiving and generous, and I’m a people pleaser due to trauma. I really hope this helps anyone out there going through similar things
…I had a friend like this. My other friends told me it was normal. So did my mom. People got mad at me for being attention seeking when I tried to bring it up.
When they are self-obsessed, 'always the victim' and belittle you. One should stay put for the subtle signs.
1. It always starts with smartly diverting every single topic to them.
2. Slowly you become so tangled in their life that you often avoid their calls or company.
3. They can't bear the thought of your accomplishments and belittle you in every single way.
4. Academical rivals or other rivals. (Not always)
5. Doesn't respect what you are going through.
This gradually leads to you becoming bitter or having the 'friend' surping you to no ends. If you don't end or set up boundaries with these friends, soon you will be begging them for even the littlest things like spending time with your loved ones.
Narcissistic behaviour.
Lack of give and take.
Being treated differently if you aren’t at the same “life stage”.
When they don't vaccinate.
I have a friend who is not vaccinated, not because she is anti vax, they are actually pro vax. Its just her parents who believe in a bunch of pseudosciences and some conspiracy theories.
When you listen to their problems but they make your problems about them.
Lying. About small and large things. About things that can be easily discovered and inconsequential. Why?
My cousin always makes things up even when the lie makes them look worse than the truth. I seriously don't know why he continues to lie for those little things. Not that he doesn't make up big lies. And when I find out he just lies and blamed somebody else.
I've experienced this recently, and I was the one who did this.
I was friends with a girl, and I found her pretty, but I accidentally took it too far and asked her out.
EDIT: I asked her out but she didn't want it
When that friend guilt trips you frequently into doing something, saying something, or anything of the like. Or gaslighting you. Another red flag from personal experience? 24 year old men who's only friends are 13 year old girls he tracked on the internet!
If someone manipulates other people into hating you so that they can be your one and only friend, When someone forces you to listen to EVERYTHING they like but won't listen to anything you say, When someone threatens to fight you, and people who do ALL THREE AND STILL ACT LIKE THEY'RE FRIENDS WITH YOU. (Yes, this has happened to me.)
When the person only talks about themselves and doesn't listen to you. And when he or she just complains about his problems without looking for solutions. You finally realize that you're just the person who listens to problems that never get resolved.
When they ignore you and when you wonder why call you an attention seeker.
Speaking from experience, unfortunately, If you have to work hard for a friends attention its not good.
I had someone pretend to be friends with me just so they could try to steal my real friend, they almost succeeded too, but my friend moved, I still keep in contact with my real friend, but the fake friend actually started to bully me like many others had because I'm nurodivergent, kinda glad my real friend left when they did, because the fake friend was really toxic.
TL;DR: using you to talk to your actual friends.
My friend V knows I’m in a feud with this kid C, but she decided to be friends with him anyways. C has been manipulating V the entire time they’ve been friends and V thinks they’re best friends. I warned V about being friends with C and she didn’t listen.
She doesn’t talk to me anymore, I don’t know why.
When we sat down to snuggle and he turned on pro wrestling. I should have ended it right then and there.
that sounds more like an emotionally-stunted man who you thought you were romantically interested in. But not a friend-friend. More like a bad relationship (lover).
When they always try to help you with anything that it's slowly getting creepy.
I had this happen to me with a person who first did innocent favours like doing my dishes (without being asked for) when I was sick. Making a doctor's appointment for me at a doctor they recommended. Nice, but... okay, thanks? I randomly mentioned I consider buying a new phone. Next day the person told me to come over, she had organised a new phone for me. And so on. Gave me advice on things I didn't even asked her for advice for. It became creepy and suffocating. I never asked for any of this. Turned out the person talked to my other friends, who meanwhile called/texted less and less, behind my back and told them I was unable to care for myself and abusing her helpfulness.
a couple for me is...
-you or the person has to reassure you that yall are friends
- the sarcastic "okay?" if you ever say something about yourself maybe randomly, it hurts.
-they seem to be annoyed if you share something about you or what happened to you, but they seem intrigued when they talk about something they did.
-they tend to act different when in a group than when its just the two of you, specifically more positive when with others.
ive had a lot of experience but these are just some recent ones
if we get into a fight, sometimes, I have to ask if we're still friends, cuz I cant tell. but other than that, I don't need reassurance
When the person you're dating is communist. (I'll see myself out)
What's wrong with communism, in theory? You'd need to have an informed opinion about why it's theoretically incorrect. In practice, it has never worked. Sure. Well except in china, where it's about to overtake the US as the world's dominant economy. So... maybe think about it. Don't accept american mccarthyism unquestioningly. If you want the gist of it... basically the idea is that humans are part of a society and we depend on each other. Hence, deliberately exploiting people to make a profit, and not sharing your profits with them equally, suggests that you see people as mere cogs / tools, rather than humans, and their products as mere commodities to sell, rather than creative output with inherent value. So capitalism is inherently dehumanising. That's the basic position. See if you understand that and can engage it? PS in my country we still have a communist party but they do not get much in the way of votes.
*these are all real life examples
Friend 1: talking over me, only texting occasionally, joking around in a really insensitive way, pushing her beliefs onto me bc im a year younger than her.
Friend 1 conversation example:
Me: hi (s)! I brought the book you wanted to read!
S: thanks!
M: *talks about my babysitting for three mins*
S: fun! *glazes over*
S: *talks about a boy for a hour *
M: *pays absolute attention, doesn’t waver from the convo*
Idk about this friendship but I always feel when I complain about her I always wind up being a better friend to her when she’s trashier to me. Advice?
When your friend makes you do stuff for them and never give you or help you back. This gets old real fast.
"There are only 2 kinds of people in this world, users and stupid people who deserve to be used" This is what she said after I spent hours helping her write her resume
"It's just a joke, stop being so sensitive."
Anything similar to that, BIG. RED. FLAG. Last summer, I had a friend group who at some point, decided to just call me "Bitchless." repeatedly. I was laughing with them at first, but then it made me really uncomfortable, and asked the group to stop. They didn't, kept going, and eventually, it literally pushed me to a breakdown ( And almost sh ). Oh, and what they said to me? "It's just a joke, stop being so sensitive.". Please drop friends who are like this to you.
If they are overdramatic, oversensitive, and you dread/overthink something that could possibly offend them.
PS Parents give great advice on this stuff. Thanks mom
When your "friend" seems to want to have a say and control over everything in your life. Not just advice but you almost need to be free to be at their whim, come when they call, NOW. I saw this with my SIL controlling her friend of 40 years until the friend just couldn't adhere to SIL's standards. The friend's mom was dying and needed care which SIL wouldn't "tolerate "! And those who backed the friend are now on SIL's s**t list. Toxic as hell!!!
Sorry if this one’s been said already, but…
When the friend “forgets” birthdays. I mean, it’s fine when you’re just meeting this person and you have to remind them from time to time, but I once had a friend who was constantly asking, “When’s your birthday?” Again. And again. And AGAIN. I knew this person for years, and they still couldn’t seem to remember it was my birthday — every. Single. Year.
And another one:
When they purposefully make you feel left out. The same friend mentioned earlier would always do things and go places with her other friends (and no, I’m not upset she had other friends, she had every right) that I had told her I didn’t like. Sometimes it felt like she was doing it on purpose, and I knew her friends and they were fine with the things I was fine with.
I took off a few years back.
I don’t mean to sound like a jerk with either of these, I’m just sharing the two things that made me end a “friendship.”
TL;DR: forgetting birthdays and ignoring my preferences.
I'm very dumb and have s****y memory and I can never remember birthdays. It's not because I don't care, its literally just cause I'm stupid
Broke up with a woman because she couldn’t stop talking about all the guys she banged.
she sounds insecure and in need of validation as desirable. So you were/are just another checkmark to validate her. Best to leave her, yes. But maybe tell her that's the reason and that she needs therapy.
when they only talk to you for stuff that they need, or if they do something to you and tell you to get over it
I will not get over you excluding me from things
or they get annoyed if you talk about an interest you have *when it comes up in conversation* and not too much. sorry I like a band, when you were like, "Why would they even name themselves, 'Green Day,'" (I told them why and they got pissed) /rant
That they seem to like me back. Big red flag. Usually means they want something, want to sell me something, or want to convert me to their religion so they can get into heaven.
They start asking you to do things for their benefit and get mad when you won’t.
They always tell you you're wrong for being worried about things because their trauma or they're already going through that thing you're worried about right now. (Not to say that their trauma isn't valid, it is, but like, "You're drowning in 8 feet of water? Well I'm drowning in 16 feet")
Also, always talking about trauma or complaining about work, or talking about inappropriate events between them and their partner, even if you've already said it makes you uncomfortable, because "not everyone is asexual like you"
They throw you under the bus aka rat you out aka fink you out
stuff happening to me rn:
1. never reaches out to talk to me
2. always leaves me on read when i'm trying to start a conversation
3. betrays my trust and then says it was just a joke
4. only hangs out with me when he wants to
the list goes on but it gets worse
Already answered once, here's another
When they're finally out of your life, for whatever reason, you start to realize just how poor your mental health was around them, and that it was because of them.
When they guilt trip and then ghost you by saying "You don't understand, I'm working hard, harder then you ever had to and am important too"
This is after you tell your friend you have to miss a phone call with them because you found out your pet was dying of late stage cancer and you're desperately looking for a pet oncologist during the covid pandemic.
Oh and did I mention I spent hours and hours with her on her stupid resume and LinkedIn page? Never got so much as a thank you
You give them Christmas present and the only thing they say is: "This doesn't mean I have to buy you anything, it was your choice to do this for me"
I took the box right back
friend 1. said: doesn't like dogs friend said:
they enjoy children
When they start dating someone, you suddenly become invisible. No calls, texts, invites, etc.
When they only show up while you have beer and marijuana, and leave when you run out. B******!
People who only talk about themselves and don't ask about you.
When they make really questionable parenting choices that aren't abuse but could be potentially dangerous.
Belittling your thoughts or beliefs.
I once went out with a girl I had known for a while and for some reason she brought up religion. I told her I didn't believe in it and she said I really did but didn't want to admit it. We never hung out again.
These posts apply to relationships as well, not just friendships.
These posts apply to relationships as well, not just friendships.
