I'm not going to write a long description, but I will say that my dad is a master of dad jokes and puns. Having gotten my sense of humor from him, I would love to get some new jokes as well as share some with the rest of you. It can be as cringe-worthy as you want, the cornier the better! Feel free to make one up, too, if that's something you're good at. Have fun!
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i was kidnapped by mimes
they did unspeakable things to me
So far, the only one I haven't heard before. I love it, has a real Tim Vine feel to it!
Kid: "Dad, im hungry"
Dad: "I'm Austria the country nextdoor".
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
i'm going to make an airline for bald people its going to be called receding airlines.
Do trees poop? Of course they do! How else would we get #2 pencils?
𝑺𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒘𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒔 𝒇𝒖𝒏 𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒔𝒐𝒂𝒑 𝒊𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔. 𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒂 𝒔𝒐𝒂𝒑 𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒂!
“I’m hungry”
“Hi hungry I’m dad”
And that’s the story of how I started saying “I crave food”
What does James Bond do before he sleeps?
He goes undercover!
And why does he go to bed early?
So he can wake up at 0:07
Me: that doesn't make sense
Dad: you're right it makes dollars
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
I'll start us off with a personal favorite...
Why did the pony go to the doctor?
It was a little horse. (Hoarse)
What do you call an amputee doing karate?
Partial arts.
Daughter/Son: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Dad:I dont know. Why?
Daughter/Son: To get to the idiot's house. Knock Knock.
Dad:Who's there?
Daughter/Son:The chicken.
Dad:You live with me though, daughter.
Daughter/Son:...
Dad: what do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
My daughter: I don’t know dad.
Dad: Nacho Cheese!
Dad: What do you call a king who's only 12 inches tall?
Son: IDK
Dad: A ruler!
Dad: What do you call two banana peels?
Dad: A pair of slippers!
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent
Reminds me of...A little boy raised his hand to ask his teacher if he could go to the batheroom. The teacher said he had to say the alphabet first. So the boy started...ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO---QRSTUVWXYZ! Now can I go? The teacher said but you missed the P! The little boy replied no I didn't, it's running down my leg!
When people discover I'm a bad electrician, they're shocked.
I went to the doctor because I drank invisible ink. She still hasn't seen me.
How does the Pink Panther handle pesky picnic insects?
"Dead ant, dead ant, dead antdeadantdeadant,"(and so on...)
I never believed orthopedic shoes worked. I now stand corrected.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
‘Cos he was outstanding in his field
Slightly offensive joke incoming...
Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an itheburg.
How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You see one later and one in a while.
Back in the 70's, this was the parting line for my dad and my Uncle Bob every. damn. time. My dad: "Later Gater!" Uncle Bob: "Afterwhile Crocodile!" Oh how I miss those days. And them. RIP dad. RIP Uncle Bob. Miss you both so much. xo
Norway started putting barcode on their ships so they can scandinavian
Why are spread sheets so weak?
They have all them cells, but no mitchondria
Why did the Toilet paper roll down the Hill? To get to the Bottom
Dad Jokes
What do you call a cow with two legs: lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs: ground beef.
Why are cows so dramatic: because they’re milking it.
I am not the best at making up jokes. I just went with my favorite ones.
What type of pants do the Super Mario Brothers wear?
Denim. Denim. Denim.
This morning, I coughed up a rook, knight, and a p**n. I think it's a chess cold.
I used to think this one was SO funny, and Idk why...
why was 6 afraid of 7
because 7 ate 9
I remember giggling for 12 hours straight because of this joke when i was 6 or 7. I thought it was hilarious.
If you see a very drunk person hanging on a lamppost, how can you tell that he is a Freudian Psychologist?
He is singing the old Victorian love song "I want a girl, just like the girl, that married dear old dad."
Do you know what Mt. Saint Helen's looked like before they carved it?
They say its beauty was un-president-ed (unprecedented).
What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
Sofishticated
In the event of a fire, what steps should you take?
Really big ones
Did you know that Diarrohea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans
Actually said by my dad-
Me: So, are you good at PowerPoint? 'Cause I need help.
Dad: I can say that I EXCEL at it.
Me: Was that a microsoft joke?
Dad: Word.
I'm fairly sure he watches too many shorts.
son: dad... im gay....
mom: fred... don't. you. dar-
dad: HI gay im dad!
Q: Why were sodium and chlorine arrested?
Ans: For a salt
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
Ans: If you can’t helium or curium then you might as well barium
Can February March?
Idk, but April May!
I had a job at an ED clinic…
I had to quit because I haven’t gotten a raise in years.
Kid: "Dad, how long to dinner?"
Dad: "about 2 and a half foot"
My sister once asked my dad if she was adopted and he replied "if I had a choice do you think I would've picked you?" Hahaha he has a wicked dark sense of humour
My dad once told me that he had no fear of me ever being kidnapped. He said as soon as they saw me in a good light, they would let me go.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No-eye-deer
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no-eye-deer
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, ears or legs?
A: Anything you like, he can't hear you
Squirrel fried itself on a transformer, power went out. Next station picks it up, comes back on. It fails, power goes out. This happened about 5 times. After power out for the time being, Dad looks at me and says "This is the worst disco I've ever been to."
Orignally, the Dwarves from Snow White, were 9, not 7. But, when Tasty went missing, Hungry got banished
How does a cheerleader answer the phone?
Give me an "H", give me an "E", give me an "LL-O"!!!!
How many times do you have to tickle and octopus to make it laugh?
Ten-Tickles…
Of course it already has 8 of them, so the first two are just Test-Tickles!
What did the pencil say to the paper?
“I dot my i’s on you!”
two guys walked into a bar. you think the second one would have seen it coming
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Where did George Washington hide his armies?
In his sleevies
Q: How do you make a sausage roll?
A: You push it down the hill.
Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was assaulted!
It's easy to make plans for date-night with a gymnast - they're very flexible.
Know why your bike is leaning against the garage?
It's TWO tired. get it?
Two tired.
[At the grocery store] Don't look at that shelf! Don't watch salad dressing, you pervert!
Me: Dad, you really can't believe everything you hear on Fox News! You have to do some research!
My dad: If I wanted to hear from an a*****e, I'd just fart.
This one is a joke my step dad likes to tell. He's a Catholic for background.
Dad: how do you teach religion?
Me: how?
Dad: feed'm s**t
To know faith in Latin is "fidem scire" pronounced FEE-dim SHEER-eh.
Here's one I tell my kids. There were two cats having a boat race. One cat was named One Two Three, the other cat was Un Deux Trois. Which cat won the race? One Two Three did, unfortunately the Un Deux Trois cat sank.
Here’s something my dad used to say when I put the word ‘succeed’ in a sentence:
Dad: “What succeeds?”
Me: “I don’t know”
Dad: “A budgie with no teeth”
what’s green and has wheels?
grass. i lied about the wheels
some of my favorites are part of Cyanide and Happiness' "Jim Saga" (the last two aren't canon though, so don't worry) https://cyanideandhappiness.fandom.com/wiki/Jim_Saga
some of my favorites are part of Cyanide and Happiness' "Jim Saga" (the last two aren't canon though, so don't worry) https://cyanideandhappiness.fandom.com/wiki/Jim_Saga
