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Someone Asks People To Share The Best Comebacks They’ve Heard, They Deliver 40 That Burned The Most
Do you know what sounds better than a really savage insult? A fatal comeback. One that completely shuts down your opponent, ending your exchange right then and there, and leaving no room for interpretation about who the winner is.
Interested in one-liners that can achieve all of this, Reddit user u/random-joe-shmoe submitted a question to the platform, asking: "What is the greatest comeback to an insult you've ever heard?" and people delivered.
Turns out, some of us actually have the superpower to come up with a brilliant response on the spot and not the shower three days later. Continue scrolling and check out some of the best replies to the post!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
“There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair,” - Alexander Hamilton to Thomas Jefferson
Hotdogking 4 years ago (edited)
Frickin love this. Come on Bp let me upvote something more than once
Pearl 4 years ago
Not to ruin anyone's fun but.. https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/factcheck/2021/04/08/fact-check-hamilton-didnt-threaten-hit-jefferson-chair/7144226002/
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Agnivesh Mishra 4 years ago (edited)
Wireline logging crew was having a break in a tea room at a rig site. The rig electrician, a scrawny looking looking guy, opened the door and looked around. The leader of the logging crew goes - “yes, what do you want?” Electrician- “I am looking for a spanner.” Logging guy cups his crotch and says “take this.” Electrician- “no, I want something that works” 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 3rd degree burn. True story
Amanita Virosa 4 years ago
My name is Alexander Hamilton And there's a million things I haven't done But just you wait, just you wait.
ryan_needs_a_life 4 years ago
When he was ten his father split full of it debt-ridden
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Debrina Blackmoon 4 years ago
Ok, wtf does "not the shower" mean??? Maybe I'm a little slow and missed something??? Autocorrect???
RELATED:
#2
Joe Pyne interviewing Frank Zappa
Joe: "I guess your long hair makes you a woman."
FZ: "I guess your wooden leg makes you a table."
Daria B 4 years ago
Regardless of whether it's an insult or not, it's a rather stupid joke and his answer showed it up.
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Ann Coffman 4 years ago
Probably a harder wood. Ash maybe, like baseball bats.
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CrunChewy McSandybutt 4 years ago
He had a wooden leg and his last name was Pyne? Oh irony, may you always be ironic.
Chewie Baron 4 years ago
I read a great story about Frank Zappa, where he was offered a record deal worth $1million for three albums. On the day to sign the Co tract he arrives carrying a briefcase. Everyone signs and he hands over the briefcase. Inside were the three albums. They had to pay him the $1million immediately.
Guy MacGregor 4 years ago
I had to Google "Joe Pyne". So he's a talk show host, and lost a leg during WWII
Terd Fergison 4 years ago
Great comeback. I would have preferred if he said, I guess your wooden leg makes you a pirate.
Ann Coffman 4 years ago
That's what I thought too!! Either one is wickedly funny.
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Woman I work with, but don’t like, was in a MOOD one morning. Male colleague comes in, after putting up with her for a bit, looks at her and says, ‘Are you on your period or something?’. She turns around and stony-eyed says, ‘I woke up in a pool of blood and if you don’t shut up, you’ll end your day the exact same way.’ Never respected her until then.
A B C 4 years ago (edited)
What am I seeing here? Did BP's censors miss an f-word? Or are we growing a little adult now and just stop editing this bullshit? Oh and also, that was the perfect response to a question that belongs into the last century. /edit: they actually DID miss it apparently, originally it said (and still says in the reddit post) "...and if you don’t shut the f**k up" :D
Izzy Curer 4 years ago (edited)
You know... Women don't get moody ON their period, they get moody BEFORE their period. That's why it's called PMS. And also, not every woman experiences it.
Remi Flynne 4 years ago
Honestly varies enormously. I even read a feature once about women who got happier before! Seemed exceptionally weird to me.
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BlackPearltheSeaWing/NightWing 4 years ago
I have been waiting for someone to ask me this and give me an opportunity to answer like this (First i have to actually get my period...).
S. 4 years ago
Do you really have to? I mean, nowhere in the submission it said the blood belonged to HER. ;)
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Adira Bennett 4 years ago
I'd be irritable too if none of my male colleagues at work respected me. Maybe she really is unpleasant to work with, because yeah, women can certainly be jerks too, but it's worth wondering what the real story is when one male colleague pulls the "Are you on your period?" and the other writes about how "unpleasant" she is in a story online. Can't help wondering if she's a woman working in a male-dominated environment who has given up on trying to be nice because she doesn't get much respect either way. That said, her comeback line is pretty great, and at least she is given credit for that!
#4
A french manager and a Karen were arguing.
Karen: customers are kings.
Manager: you're in France, here we decapitate kings.
Guy MacGregor 4 years ago
I am just perplex about the illustration picture: What the hell is... "flowing" on the croissant? You're going to make a few frenchmen quite mad...
lara 4 years ago
I had one two good experiences with sales people in France. One was in Paris, he was the owner of a small grocery store, he was Algerian and very, very kind and helpful. My friend was from Canada and spoke a "form" of French. She wanted to buy a bottle of wine. Second was at Versailles. We stopped out side of Versailles to buy more film. The man at the kiosk was so kind and so helpful. Those two times almost made up for the 50 other rude and unkind encounters.
#5
During WW1, Switzerland had a tiny standing army, but they were very skilled marksmen. Wilhelm II of Germany asked what 250k Swiss troops would do if he decided to invade with 500k German troops.
The Swiss said, "Shoot twice and go home."
Stephanie IV 4 years ago
Seriously, don’t. It’s no coincidence they guard the pope.
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Martin Kaine 4 years ago
If I had to protect quality Swiss Chocolate, I would do the same thing.
Dave P 4 years ago
it was a chat with the Swiss Ambassador who is the source for this story. The Kaiser denied till the day he died. But it sounds nice.
Celesta 4 years ago
The Kaiser denied something that made him look bad? What a shocking concept.
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Radek Suski 4 years ago
I doubt Germany would be able to invade them with even 4 times more troops. They would blood out. And not necessarily because how good trained they were but mostly because they were trained to act in their neighbourhood and the terrain would be very hard to win anyway
#6
Winston Churchill, of course.
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.
Dave P 4 years ago
He was the only person in Europe left standing up the Nazi's until Hitler broke his alliance with Stalin. As PM he gave more home rule the British Colonies, and had them elect local officials. Sure he had his faults and made mistakes. But without him, Hitler would have been able to defeat Russia (British Troops helped the Greeks tie down Hitler in the Balkans, causing the invasion of Russia to start 2 months late, which saved Russia, as well as later on was responsible for causing the Germans to divert tanks to Italy, helping the USSR win at Kursk, etc) and Europe would still be under Nazi Rule today.
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Paul C. 4 years ago
When berated for being drunk by MP Bessie Braddock, Churchill said: "My dear, you are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly."
Adam Jeff 4 years ago
Another good one. Although, given he was a massive alcoholic, not actually accurate.
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Steve Wilson 4 years ago
Another great Churchill comeback. When somebody told him he’d accidentally left his fly open he replied “Don’t worry. A dead bird never leaves the nest”.
Chewie Baron 4 years ago
There was another comeback but this time from Lady Astor. She was holding a fancy dress party, and Winston was invited. Passing her in the House of Commons before the party, Winston said "I've never been to a fancy dress party before and I'm not sure what to go as." Lady Astor replies "How about sober?" and carries on walking.
John Ishee 4 years ago
At a dinner party, a female M of P comes up to Churchill and pokes him in the stomach saying, "Mr. Churchill, if that belly was on a woman, I'd say she was pregnant!". Pausing to remove his stogie, Churchill replied, "Madam, an hour ago it was, and she is!".
Ann Coffman 4 years ago
I am Aghast!!! (But what an awesome, albeit disgusting, comeback)
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Bill Sugarman 4 years ago
Another Churchill/Astor exchange: Astor: Mr Churchill, you are drunk. Churchill: Madam, you are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning.
#7
Context: John Oliver from HBO interviews Stephen Hawking (may he rest in peace)
JO: And there may be a universe where I am more intelligent than you?
SH: There may even be a universe where you are funny.
Jesse Taylor 4 years ago
You can't help but respect a guy who was a guest star on Matt Groening's series, 'Futurama.' #anthologyofinterest
Sandra Nicht 4 years ago
His bucket list appearance on Star Trek Next Generation as a holodeck character in Data's program was hysterical.
Robert Miller 4 years ago
Hawking was hilarious ! Always loved his appearances on the Big Bang theory
#8
David Letterman: I'm not as dumb as I look.
Tina Fey: How could you be?
Brendan 4 years ago
Sorry, I know I'm coming off as (or actually am) dense, but I don't get this one. Could someone explain?
Kelli Lindsay 4 years ago
She's saying "how could you possibly be any stupider than you look" meaning she thinks he looks really stupid.
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BigFish Artwire 4 years ago
I absolutely love this. Someone needed to tell that man to shut the F up, really
Thomas Sweda 4 years ago
Related. I was in a liquor store line when the cashier answered the phone. She then asked her boss if they had Budweiser in the camouflage cans.I blurted out, “How would you know?”
SuperChicken 4 years ago
Thanks for clearing that up. I read that as Pfuck, as in Mr. Pfiffer (Golden Girls).😁
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Marky Mark 4 years ago
Tina is may be the all-around comedian ever. Brilliant writer, great delivery, and even a pretty good actress. If she's in a show - I'll watch it. If she wrote it, I'll buy it.
#9
A guy makes fun of his bald friend by rubbing his head and saying, "Wow, your head is as smooth as my wife's bottom." The friend also rubs his head and says, "Wow - you're right."
cybermerlin2000 4 years ago (edited)
When my youngest brother shaved his head, I lightly slapped it and said, "PING!" He replied with, "God, you are so childish!" So, to prove a point, I jumped onto his back piggyback style, shouted "LOLLY!!!" and licked his head. Going back a few decades, my old school friend started going bald, and I asked him if it ran in his family. He said "Nah! This ain't baldness. It's a solar panel for a sex machine!"
#10
A friend in highschool on our way to a track meet. He was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice. When this dbag saw him.
Dbag: “why bothering looking at that when you know you’ll never be able to get one?”
My friend: “the same reason you watch adult movies”
The entire bus erupted and it’s still one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.
Vicky Z 4 years ago
This reminded me this joke: a guy is watching porn but is often changing the channel to basketball! He says to his wife " i don't know what to watch! I really wanna see porn but i don't want to lose the match!" His wife's answer: watch the porn! You already know basketball!
les 4 years ago (edited)
they probably already have lotion... (and a hard sock)
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Anna Repp 4 years ago
I wish I had this super-power to think of a funny and witty answer right away, not months or years after...
Yort 4 years ago
We all have that super power when we re making up stories for internet points.
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#11
in middle school a boy asked when I was going to grow some boobs. So I asked him when he was donating his......
I'm still really proud of that one.
glowworm2 4 years ago
Apparently his were bigger than hers, so she asked if he'd give them to her.
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lara 4 years ago
Sorry I don't get the connection. Now if she said " thanks for noticing; are you growing anything down there? If you are, no one has noticed."
Gin 4 years ago
It probably means the kid had moobs. You do see them on some young boys who are overweight unfortunately.
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#12
English class in Middle School
Kid A - "yo, Kid B, your mama waited on me at McDonalds last night. Must feel like s**t having a mom that works at McDonalds"
Kid B- " at least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work"
English teacher far louder than he realized "DAYUM!"
The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on...
lil_gremlin 4 years ago
Idk why people rag on fast-food workers-they have to deal with a lot of sh*t, and it's an honorable job.
Callista pierce 4 years ago
i was reading this thinking he meant at least his mom has a job, and then i literally said out loud "oh. OH. WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE. HOLUP" and now the whole room is looking at me
#13
My mom was a librarian and pulled this one on a rude patron.
"Are you getting smart with me?"
"Would you be able to tell?"
Katinka Min 4 years ago
Huh? Who is saying that? the few librarians I met had a sense of humor similar to medical staff.
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#14
Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”
Mike Loux 4 years ago
Might be better off going to the garden center and ripping off a hunk of aloe.
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#15
Ghandi after a Reporter asked him a question.
Reporter: What do you think of Western Civilisation
Ghandi: I think it would be a good idea
Dave P 4 years ago
People forget what he said about Africans, and how horrible it was. he also condemned the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising and said the Jews in Europe should protest the Nazi's with "non-Violence". Not to mention his many very very young women he was with.
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Lenka Smetanová 4 years ago
Ghandhi the best. Remember a story of a woman, who don't wanna go to chemo to cure her cancer, because she believed in spiritualism and meditations and other things... She wrote about it to Ghandhi, and he responded her, to go a get her chemo asap
I' Gomez & Morticia's kid 4 years ago (edited)
I wonder if it's true?! Since he restrained his wife from taking any Medical Services
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#16
18th Century British radical politician John Wilkes was told in parliament by a political opponent "Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox".
Wilkes shot back with "That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress."
A B C 4 years ago
Oof. Guess we could find Wilkes' grave with a metal detector, massive balls of steel to find there.
Kisses4Katie 4 years ago
I’m sorry but the picture is cracking me up. “Confound it if only I could see straight. What am I pointing at” “The quill is here me lord”
Devil's Advocate 4 years ago
Parliament is great for things like this because you have to be polite still while insulting people
#17
It's gotta be the Aliens locker room scene for me.
Hudson: "Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?"
Vasquez: "No, have you?"
Marky Mark 4 years ago
What a great movie. What should have been another campy sci-fi horror was actually a well written, well acted and brilliantly shot movie.
Amina Hays 4 years ago
It's amazing but it's almost ruined when Drake says "You're just too bad!" after it. An incredibly cringey ending to such an excellent comeback. Never mind though!
Jace 4 years ago
Yeah but that’s kinda true to the character of the scene anyway. They’re like a bunch of muscle-bound middle-school kids with guns. Drake is just another lowbrow dude bro, but he’s tight with Vasquez and everyone knows Hudson is the class clown (and possibly butt-monkey, seeing how they forced him to submit to the knife trick he asked Bishop to perform).
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Drakaina Dreadnought 4 years ago
One of my favourites. We put this movie in every night right now for background.
#18
Saw a clip of a standup comedian the other day, and he says something along the lines of "the first time I had sex it was terrible... the first time I had sex..." and a woman chimes in with "you mean yesterday? " crowd laughs for a while, and while the comedian is waiting for them to calm down you can see the gears turn in his head, once it gets down to basically a few chuckles, he just says "Glad you remember " and the crowd just lost their [marbles], it was amazing
René Studer 4 years ago
Why would you insult a comedian? It’s like picking a fight with Bruce Lee.
Marky Mark 4 years ago
I'm pretty sure I could take on Bruce Lee. He's been dead a good while and I doubt his corpse would put up much of a fight.
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chrissy goodman 4 years ago
never insult a comedian they r professionals and ready for anything. u can try but they always have a comeback. my friends boyfriend tried once wen we saw dane cook it didnt end well for him. he was doing a joke about cheating me and my boyfriend at the time were with my friend and her new boyfriend. he yelled "cheating is wrong ur an a$$" now we were close to the stage and he stared at him for a bit and went "huh...i guess u should break up then cuz i dont see a wedding ring on her finger" and pointed at my friend. all 3 of us turned to my friends new boyfriend he was covering his left hand. thats how we found out her new boyfriend was married and cheating on his wife. he called dane cook an a$$ he was called out for cheating. after the show i mentioned to him usually half the jokes comedians do arent actual situations they were in. if he had kept his mouth shut he wouldve gotten away it. howd my friend deal with it well she sent the footage of that show to his wife idk wat happened after that but ya. dont mess with comedians they use everything at their disposal to make comebacks and they dont hold back
iblowsheep 4 years ago
I always liked one that Larry the Cable Guy did. During a very brief silent moment between jokes a woman in the audience yelled out something, i forget what, and he says "Hey I thought I told you to wait in the truck!"
#19
Air Traffic Control doing a poor job of vectoring an Airbus A330 in for landing. Pilot: "You've left us too high, I don't think we can make the approach." ATC: "You've got speedbrakes on that thing, don't you?" Pilot: (After a noticeable pause) "Yes, but those are for my mistakes, not yours."
v 4 years ago (edited)
Hopefully they used this recording for ATC and Pilot training around the world. ATC is responsible for X. Pilots are responsible for Y. Each has authority within their respective realm. Both should have authority to correct the other, without question, if the need arises.
Scott Baysinger 4 years ago
Yeah, but communications are recorded and the FAA is not known for their sense of humor.
Load More Replies... #20
When my younger brother was about 5 he would hold up a picture of an ape and say "Hey, look in this mirror", to which my older brother replied "That's a picture of an ape but I see why you thought it was a mirror."
Lauren Caswell 4 years ago
Why are you holding a picture of yourself is also an acceptable response ^-^ Full marks!
#21
In high school me and my boyfriend (we were gay) were walking together and some dumbass came up and said "Why are you guys always together? What're you, gay?" So my man said "Why, are you interested?"
Brandy McKay 4 years ago
When a boy calls my daughter gay (she is) she says "At least I get more girls than you!" And I've never been more proud.
No. 4 years ago
omg yall I did this too. So in 8th grade I got a pretty short hair cut and it was quite a bold move where I'm from. The week I returned to school after cutting my hair, I was BOMBARDED with questions and stares. I was definitely getting annoyed and generally pretty irritated. At one point on the bus, this really annoying, loud kid (wannabe class clown) turned to me and asked me>>"Are you a lesbian?". I completely lost it and replied back "Why, are you interested?". I felt kinda bad after but it was definitely worth it because he never spoke to me again.
iblowsheep 4 years ago
George Carlin had a comeback to "what are you? Gay?" it was " I don't know. Why don't you bend over and let's find out."
Gabby M 4 years ago
George is my hero!!! I have introduced him to my adult children and other relatives and had many night of hilarity.
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Joseph OReilly 4 years ago
Pulled this on someone at sleepaway camp when I was eleven or so. I've never seen someone so flustered in my life
HooowlAtTheMoon 4 years ago
SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENED TO ME THE OTHER DAY, a guy told me "i don't like you" i said "why?" he said "because you're gay" i said "that's not why you don't like me. You don't like me because your girlfriend left you for me" then i winked and walked away and he was FURIOUS
#22
My grandma asked my cousin, who'd had lots of partners and 2 kids at this point, if she was ever going to get married.
Cousin: It's not the same nowadays. We don't buy cars without test driving them first.
Grandma: Yeah. But they don't let you put a hundred thousand miles on them either.
Point goes to Granny.
kjorn 4 years ago
kinda sad these day. i don't care if a girl sleeping around, guys do it too. if you want to have fun have it! go for it. but the thing i find sad it's people get together and at the first thing of disagreement they split. like they only want to have the good thing. you can't always have happy time with someone. you'll always have a rough road sometime.
Shelby P 4 years ago
thank you... I am so tired of this double standard (among others)
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Celesta 4 years ago
When are we going to stop this "s**t" shaming bs? Numerous entries in this article alone joke about men being promiscuous like they are a hero or something to be proud of. But here its totally hilarious to shame a woman who has done the same thing? Seriously, stop the Victorian mindset crap.
Dilly Millandry 4 years ago
You get serial downvoters that are here to do nothing else. Honestly, just ignore it and then eventually most comments end up with upvotes. Well, that's assuming your response is not one of the ultra boring 'burn' or 'oof' types that do get overused! I can't think many people find the 10th one of the day especially worth reading. Not saying YOU do that but I confess I do think 'oh someone's written 'burn' again and just scroll on past.
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#23
"If you weren't so stupid what would you be?" Asks the husband. The wife replies, without even skipping a beat. "Single"
Tobias Rieper 4 years ago
well its kind of a double edged sword that one because she is saying he is horrible but also admitting that she is stupid as well
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Lance d'Boyle 4 years ago
Hold on. She basically agrees with his premise that she is stupid, right?
#24
One of my co-workers was cold-calling customers, trying to get appointments to drum up business. One of them told him to, "go f*** his hand," and he responded with "I've got that penciled in for 3. I should be done by 4 if you'd like to come in for an appointment then?" The guy laughed his butt off, and ended up coming in for the appointment.
#25
I have a twin brother. I’m older.
He once told me when I came out, they knew it was a mistake and immediately tried again.
I told him he was the “buy one get one of equal or lesser value free”.
There was a fight after that one
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
BOGO is now the younger twin's nickname. (Explanation: BuyOnGetOne half/off)
Louloubelle 4 years ago
I've got twins and we always says they were a BOGO. Especially because they were IVF babies and are always amazed at how much that cost. I tell them I wanted to get my money's worth.
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Legen ( wait for it ) dary 4 years ago
I really love that is very important for some twins who came out first. I heard one saying : it's not that you came in first class with champagne and more space for legs.
Frisinator 4 years ago
I was born first! I'm four minutes older. And four minutes wiser.
Load More Replies... cybermerlin2000 4 years ago
A better reply would have been, "What do you mean? Didn't you know you are just here for spare parts?"
Frisinator 4 years ago
I told him if he needs a kidney, I could sell him one at a reasonable price!
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#26
Is it cheating to use one of my own? I work in construction and a lot of the guys are exactly what you would expect from construction workers. There was one particularly loud one on this job. He would always go on about drinking and how much he drinks and the ensuing consequences. He went so far as to say he's never sold a car; he wrecks them, usually while drunk driving. I just recently purchased a house and another guy was asking me about it. The loud guy heard this and said, "What the f**k? I'm a journeyman and all I can afford is a basement suite in Langford (which is far away and considered sub optional). You're just an apprentice, how can you afford a house?" And I just said, "I don't have any drinking stories."
Uber Mensch 4 years ago
Know how you can tell carpenter ants from other kinds? By all the tiny little empty beer cans...
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Eric Myers 3 years ago
That is just stating a fact... again, they want examples that are humorous.
Jace 4 years ago
How do you know he got s**t done? That information isn’t in the story. You’re inserting it to defend him for no clear reason. What are you projecting? 😄
Load More Replies... #27
Marylin monroe once had someone tell her "the only reason you look so beautiful is your expensive clothes." The next day she went and did a photoshoot in nothing but a potato sack. I plan on getting that as a tattoo.
Amanita Virosa 4 years ago
I found it and she looks beautiful. https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/movies/movie-news/marilyn-monroe-potato-sack-1234947617/
tuzdayschild 4 years ago
I clicked your link. She was beautiful. But that sack had professional help.
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Stannous Flouride 4 years ago
One of two possible versions of the reason for the photo shoot. in 1951, Monroe was attending a party at the Beverly Hills Hotel and was wearing a dress that was on the low-cut side, much to the chagrin of a female newspaper columnist. Apparently, the columnist said that Monroe was “cheap” and “vulgar,” and that she’d be better suited to wearing a potato sack.
Monroe decided to take the columnist at her word — and producers at Twentieth Century Fox immediately organized a photoshoot for her, complete with a fitted “Idaho Potatoes” sack and red high heels. In a twist that surprised absolutely no one, she looked stunning. According to Monroe, the photos were so successful that an Idaho potato farmer actually sent her a whole sack of potatoes as a thank you for the generous publicity, but Monroe apparently never got to enjoy them, saying: “There was a potato shortage on then, and the boys in publicity took them all. I never got one. 1VmtGBs5cb...7-jpeg.jpg 
Stannous Flouride 4 years ago
The alternative version is that the honchos at 20th Century Fox heard a rumor that someone said, "She's so beautiful she'd make a potato sack look good." And recognizing a gem of an idea the publicity guys set up the photo shoot. But the catty columnist one is more fun. 1Eb3MXtVXl...6-jpeg.jpg 
Ray Martin 4 years ago (edited)
How about you print it out and frame it, and then when you're tired of looking at it after a few months, you can be glad you didn't.?
Kristin Ingersoll 4 years ago
How about you let people get the tattoos they want for the reasons that mean something to them?
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#28
Between to ferns with Obama. Zach: "It must kinda stink that you can’t run three times." Obama: "No, actually i think it’s a good idea. If I ran a third time would be kinda like doing a third hangover movie. Didn’t really work out very well, didn’t it"
Logic and Reason 4 years ago
“Between two ferns” is a comedy show. The OP just can’t spell.
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Brandon Marlowe 4 years ago
Why would you say that? Oh, never mind. I think I know.
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#29
The classic: "You're adopted" "At least my parents chose to have me"
Louloubelle 4 years ago
I'm so slow. Being the youngest I was always told I was adopted. The best I came up with was, at least they finally got it right.
chrissy goodman 4 years ago
ive used this. some kid found out i was adopted called me unwanted and so on. i remember saying "my parents now chose and wanted me unlike urs" sad part is i wish i never said that bc it turned out he had a terrible relationship with his parents.
SumoNinja 4 years ago
I used that one a lot as a kid. That and "My parents picked me. Your parents were stuck with what they got."
Stephanie Keith 4 years ago
Uhh parents literally choose to have a baby. Both adopted and biological are are a choice/chosen.
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Stephanie Keith 4 years ago
Adopted and biological children are both chosen. People literally choose to have a baby, or not.
#30
In class someone used the f slur on someone and he replied with "I'm probably as straight as the pole your mom dances on"
Viviane 4 years ago
Drag queen to a rude man in the audience: "I'm more man than you'll ever be and more woman than you'll ever get!"
Tonya Wallace 4 years ago
Also said by Antonio Fargas' character in "Car Wash".
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Vicky Z 4 years ago
Oh i really want to learn!!! It's such a great exercise but looks also fun
Load More Replies... XSpooky_Mint 4 years ago
If anyone ever calls you a f*g just turn around and say "Why, because I'm smokin'?" (A f*g is also a cigarette)
renee brack 4 years ago
Now that we're in the 3rd decade of the 21st century, I hope males can see the misogyny in denigrating women another male may know and value. Guys sledging each other about their mums is so trite, ignorant and old school patriarchy. It says more about the insulted than it does about someone's mum.
#31
This happened about 5 years ago now. There was this one annoying kid in my math class in high school. Being loud, ignoring the teacher. He was mixed race, only bringing this up because it’s related. He’s talking rather loudly with a guy next to him. Teacher tells him “shut the hell up.” Kid makes a point that he’s half black and being mean to him is racist (some stupid s**t like that.) Teacher looks him dead in the eyes and says “I was talking to your white half, stupid.” Hands *down my favorite teacher.
Tobias Rieper 4 years ago
and did the whole class start to clap as well sounds like a load of BS to me if a teacher talked like that to a student they would be fired faster than a bullet
Donkey boi 4 years ago
Obviously never attended school in the UK. I've had teachers insult me, insult my mum, threaten various physical attacks, and some follow through. Just because they were Aholes. I've had others that give as good as get when the kid was the Ahole.
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Softsquatch 4 years ago
i don't really care about that kid but as a mixed race person i find that pretty offensive.
Alex Bailey 4 years ago
Claiming that any kind of rude comment to someone who is mixed race is inherently racist is rubbish though. I don't like the language used by the teacher but the child was using the fact that he was half black. Not on when there is real racism.
Load More Replies... Amina Hays 4 years ago
I'm assuming this happened in the states. I finished secondary school 22 years ago (god I'm old) in England, so things may have changed but if a teacher said anything remotely like that or even in that context, they'd be sacked immediately. No question.
RandomHumanBean 4 years ago
so many people at my school are like "tHaTs RaCiSt" whenever someone says they are annoying, obnoxious, etc. it is so annoying.
Marlowe Fitzpatrik 4 years ago
If this retort by the teacher offends you, I think you a) missed the point and/or b) never tried to work in a class with a 'class clown'. Honestly, sometimes the only way to get some respect is clapping back. Toeing the line between funny and truly hurtful is not easy, and sometimes there's a miss. But honestly... try being amidst 30 kids of 15 years and see how long it takes you to give lip back.
John Baker 4 years ago
About five minutes into my first class on my first day. :-)
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Sandra Nicht 4 years ago
I had an English teacher in high school who was really cool but did not put up with any s**t. One day one of the boys started yelling out the window to a friend (we were 3 stories up) and then he started throwing stuff out the window to his friend: a pen, a book, he picked up a chair and that's when Mr. Kohler said "if that chair goes out the window you will follow it". The boy sat right down and shut up for the rest of the class...
HooowlAtTheMoon 4 years ago
Once me and a guy (of color) at my school were insulting each other in that way you know is a joke but it doesnt sound like a joke, and we were doing it while playing volleyball and i said "you know, you're supposed to get it over the net" and he said "this is racism at its finest" and i just did finger guns and said "and homophobia" (bc im lgbt) and he had NO response
John Baker 4 years ago
One who's sick and tired of putting up with entitled little shits.
Load More Replies... #32
Timur the emperor of the Timurid Empire sent a chest full of horse poop to the Ottoman sultan Bayezid and the sultan sent back a chest full of sweets and delights with a note that said " Everybody gifts what they eat."
Rider 4 years ago
I read that as 'a child full of horse poop' then I tried to picture it....I need to finish my coffee before going on bored panda
Retro Dan™ 4 years ago
And that child grew up, painted himself orange, and was sadly elected as the 45th President.
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#33
Probably not the best of all time but here goes, at work one night my crew was cleaning up trash out of the middle of the interstate inside of a lane closure. We get up to where another crew is working on machines, and these guys are assholes. They seriously act like they are Gods gift to construction, so the conversation goes as this. Me: can y’all move over for a second so we can get by? Douche to his guys: c’mon guys let’s get out of this little lady’s way so she can pick up our trash. Douche to me: y’all are slower than hell, plus look you even missed some. Me: oh I’m sorry I don’t think I can fit you in this bag, I’ll come back after I open a new one and maybe we can squeeze you in there
Isabel Care 4 years ago
Manager told me "Anything that's laying around making the place look untidy, put it in the skip" It was a mini skip and he (6ft 4) was the first thing I put in. He helped me by curling into the foetal position as I picked him up.
#34
A friend of mine was getting b****ed at by these 2 identical twin girls in a class I had once, he replied with a troubling look on his face and said "if you two are identical, how come only 1 of you are hot?" That dude played the long game as those two girls looked rather perplexed for the rest of the session.
chrissy goodman 4 years ago
as an identical twin myself i can tell u that if one cares about looks more then the other it can start a fight between twins. im married my sister is single ive even had more boyfriends then her. keep in mind she wears a ton of make up and i wear none...ever. i am hated by her bc she says shes the pretty one so y m i the happy one. i simply told her "bc i dont look fake" she hates me even more and lives in california now but watever we were seperated at birth adopted to 2 different families so i dont mind. she really does look fake tho like someone made a living barbie doll of me.
Mshauri Mazuri 4 years ago
For the rest of their life even, always guessing who's hot was he talking about hahaha
IlovemydogShilo 4 years ago (edited)
is this the only picture Bored Panda has of twins.? They used it again on another post today.
#35
My grandparents used to bicker. My grandmother generally came out on top, as she was fierier. One time though, she was asking him to do a bunch of stuff, and he muttered
"If you'd lose some weight, you could do it yourself."
She fixed her gaze on him, and glowered "I'm thinking of getting rid of about 200 lbs of useless fat immediately..."
He replied "You're going to cut off your foot?"
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
Calling your husband "200 lbs of useless fat" justifies his comeback.
Jesse Taylor 4 years ago (edited)
I would have cut his precious jewels off with the tip of my shoe.
#36
Not heard, but read. Easily the Spartans reply to Philip II of Macedon:
"As Philip II of Macedon was conquering Greek city-states left and right, Sparta was left alone. Philip had achieved a crushing victory, and Sparta was relatively weak and without walls. Philip sent a message to the Spartans saying “If I invade Lakonia you will be destroyed, never to rise again.” The Spartans replied with one word, “If.”
René Studer 4 years ago
Gotta love the spartan comebacks. Didn’t Philip try again years later? He asked: „Should I come as friend or foe?“ the spartans replied with, „neither“.
Alberto Cevallos 4 years ago
the Spartans were experts in responding ... When Xerxes wrote to them "surrender your weapons" the Spartans replied "come and take them"
Donkey boi 4 years ago (edited)
The spartan education had punishments if you did not answer questions quickly of wittily! They literally taught it in school!
lara 4 years ago
One of my favorite books about the Spartans is "Gates of Fire" by Steven Pressfield. It was recommended to me by one of my professors who taught Ancient History. I couldn't stop reading. He said "don't get the idea that the Spartans were "good guys" but for the time period they were as close to good guys as you will ever find. That is something I have always kept in mind.
Enea 4 years ago
"Gates of Fire" is fiction. The Spartans were a horrible society, teaching their people to show no mercy towards weaker or socially less privileged people. They threw newborns who looked "feeble" off cliffs, had no other role for women than to bear and raise children, and encouraged the male aristocratic youth (the future warriors) to pillage and terrorise the lower classes (which was seen as a sort of practice for war). They were xenophobe and sexist and elitist. They basically aimed to create the society of Übermenschen that the Nazis wanted. The stories of brotherhood amd solidarity that contribute to their myth refer to a very small, male privileged group of society. The rest were miserable and exploited.
Load More Replies... Analyn Lahr 4 years ago
The Spartans were pretty witty. Too bad they tossed unwanted babies into a ravine.
Donkey boi 4 years ago
You are referring to the chasm on Mount Taygetos. Excavations of the area have only revealed adult bones (and other remains). The only records stating that they performed infanticide were written by a (at the time) rival state. Athenian and Spartan records both state that the submerged babies in watered-down wine, if the baby cried afterwards it was deemed weak, if it drank the wine it was deemed strong, if it did not drink the wine but did not cry they could train but would not be considered a Spartiate but a Perioiko (essentially a free man but without full citizenship). They did allow adoption of the "non-strong" so that if they passed training they could become a spartiate. The Spartans were the first state to have laws protecting homosexual relationships, they also gave more power, status and respect to women than any other ancient civilisation.
Load More Replies... #37
Quiet guy in my art class got called queer bait.
He replied with “If I’m the bait then you’re the catch of the day”
Yvonne Dauwalder Balsiger 4 years ago
Sounds more like a compliment and the beginning of something to me... Did they at least go on a date afterwards?
#38
Back in high school, I was in the orchestra. We went on several big national trips each year. One year, a group of upper classmen were busted for pot in their hotel room. Everyone except one guy was suspended and prohibited to attend future trips. The one guy who wasnt in trouble apparently hid in the shower and played dumb, and they believed him. So a week later the entire orchestra is practicing with the teaching assistant when our conductor enters the practice room, and in front of the entire 114 members of the orchestra, says "Jason, all your friends ratted you out. They're mad. I'm mad. You played me like a fiddle." "That's what I play," Jason replied, raising his violin.
California Jones 4 years ago
Perfect! He should avoid punishment, just for being able to avoid punishment. Also, some friends they are.
lara 4 years ago
I had a student in my US History class. He played in the college jazz ensemble. They were invited to perform in Little Rock and were going to stay downtown. I said, "I am so sorry, I spent a week in Little Rock one night." He said "oh, no Dr..... we are going to be RIGHT DOWN TOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING." When he came to class the next Monday he said "oh, man you were so right. That place went to sleep at five pm and did NOTHING."
LH25 4 years ago
Us orchestra kids got away with a lot. Everyone watched the marching band kids, they thought we were just nerds who behaved ourselves. Trip were a lot of fun!
chrissy goodman 4 years ago
i played violin i remember the band being jealous bc we got to go on trips while they were stuck at sports games. idk y my school needed every sport to have the band there but us we got to have fun.
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Ryyde Cade 4 years ago
Not a comeback - when I was in 8th grade our school had an outing to a water park- found out the day free the whole school got banned because some seniors got caught smoking weed.
#39
Me: We should learn from our mistakes!
My friend: So that's why you have a younger sister?
#40
An arab poet met a guy on the streets, trying to belittle the poet the guy said "i saw you from afar i thought you were a woman" the poet responded "i saw you from afar and thought you were a man"
A B C 4 years ago (edited)
We seriously need to stop calling men women as an insult. It's just ... ugh. I fookin' hate it.
Martin Burley 4 years ago
The poet in question was Al-Mutanabbi, who died in 965 AD, so I think all parties involved may have stopped doing this by now.
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#41
I used to work with this like 70 year old woman, she was our supervisor, and one day one of the ladies who worked with us told this old lady to “kiss my ass” and the old lady replied “where do I start, you’re so fat your crack goes all the way up your back”
Dave van Es 4 years ago
Once someone told me to kiss her ass, I looked her in the eyes and said, that would take me all day, I have better things to do
Suzanne Clark 4 years ago
Gotta say, I kinda resent that photo representing a 70 year old woman.
#42
Arguing with my mom for the millionth time, and she would always say something along the lines of "you're just like your father". One day i got tired of it, and told her: "im not like my father, i'm smarter than him" "oh yeah? and why is that?" "because i had a girlfriend like you and i broke up with her" Didn't talk to me for a couple of days.
Miss Frankfurter 4 years ago
My mom used to say that to me too, sometimes meant in a not so good way. I'd just turn to her and say "Yes I am just like him and I'm very proud of that". My dad was a wonderful man.
Lillukka79 4 years ago
That's what I told my granmother. My dad is also a wonderful dad.
Load More Replies... IlovemydogShilo 4 years ago
My mother said that to me too on many occasions. One day she said it to me and I just said" well it's better than the alternative".
Patricia Healton 4 years ago
My mom used to say the same thing about me and I just said "Thank you".
#43
A dude in my class called out a semi friend of mine, that people are talking behind his back. In fact, that wasn’t the case, as far as I know, and that guy said: "Well you know what the say about you? Nothing, nobody cares."
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
When people talk behind your back you don't see their ugly faces.
Jaime Higgins 4 years ago
Oscar Wilde: There's only one thing worse than being talked about - not being talked about.
Lillukka79 4 years ago
I had a colleague that kept asking me what are the others saying about her and never believed me when I said nothing. I finally told her that she isn't interesting enough for anybody to even notice her and she finally stopped.
chrissy goodman 4 years ago
i had that problem in high school and it was fun for me bc everything they said wasnt true but one day, i remember it well cuz it shocked everyone, i went up to the worst one of them all and simply said "do u lie about me bc u have no friends and i do" and walked away. it shocked everyone bc i never showed any disrespect to anyone had tons of friends i was that nice girl who respected everyone and never held a grudge. turned out i was right they apologized the next day and i said "i except ur apology the key to having friends is u dont talk behind their backs and make up lies about ppl. stop doing that and ull have more friends." they didnt stop but they did stop talking about me they thought bc i was too nice i wouldnt strike back. they were telling my friends i was calling them names behind their backs and telling others i was pretending to b nice. never piss off the too nice kid they have their own way of fighting back and it hurts wen they do. they learned that the hard way by the end of the year no one talked to them bc alot of ppl did wat i did made quick remarks and walked away not letting it bother them. there was alot of bullies in my school only 2 ever bothered me the one i stopped and the one who refused to give up and said things to my face. that bully i pretended was invisible and would ignore them which fustrated them it wasnt until senior year i finally spoke to them i said "if ur so fustrated with me not being hurt by ur words hit me. i kno u have 1 strike left and the school would b better off without u." they did and got expelled had to repeat their senior year. i feel bad cuz i didnt think theyd hit me but the rest of my grade saw it as me taking one for the team. i graduated in 2008 that bully still sends me hate messages which i ignore just like wen we were kids.
Miss Frankfurter 4 years ago
I usually ask the person who's talking about someone behind their back, "Do you ever wonder what people say about you behind your back?"
#44
I work at a hotel. A few years ago this guest got into a spat with our security officer over something, but she wasn't getting whatever she wanted so she told him he was full of s___
Our security officer replied immediately, "no I'm not, I took care of that this morning. But thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity." At this time I was about to bust up laughing so I had to excuse myself to the back office, and as I was leaving I heard him continuing on with this lady, deadpan, "but I promise I eat a healthy diet full of fiber. It warms my heart to know you're concerned with me having regular bowel movements. So the next time I'm constipated I know you're thinking of me," It continued on and on, and all the more he's playing this deadpan and it's making the lady madder and madder, and I'm in the back laughing so hard I'm nearly crying.
After that spiel was over though she didn't give us anymore problems the rest of the night.
J&B FitzTubeKidz 4 years ago
If you would like to donate you laxatives they would really appreciate it lol
chrissy goodman 4 years ago
continuing on and on with the smartassery was genius. it works perfectly on entitled ppl who rant and rant about things if u dont give them a chance to strike back the rage just builds till they crack and simply walk off. this security guard is brilliant and handled the situation beautifully
#45
Once some woman was trying to road rage with my dad in a parking lot and he said in a monotone voice to reply to her, “why don’t you act your age and die?”
BasedWang 4 years ago
Definitely gave someone a "10 steps from death" comment before.... There was another dude who used to come in our liquor store I worked at and I coudlnt tell if he was joking half the time or just an asshole, but one time he made a joke that seemed off. It was about my guys skin color and we couldnt tell if this old man was joking or not........ didnt see him for months, he comes in "Oh you're not fired yet" and like a bullet I hit him with " Oh, you're still alive?" yeahhh one of my proudest moments
#46
I have a bunch but one of the more memorable ones was back in 8th grade. For context I didn’t make the basketball team 7th grade, but I made the team in 8th grade. This kid that was on the team the previous year but didn’t make it currently was really upset and telling me how bad I am and blah blah blah. I told him that if he is better than me then why didn’t he make the team, and he replied with “it’s just cause of my grades bro”. So I replied with “oh so you’re just stupid then?” He gave up cause it was either accept that he was bad or accept he was an idiot so...
#47
I've been called worse things by better people.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
Standard answer to people insulting you, indicating that their insults are weak and so are they.
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Eithne Griffiths 4 years ago
A customer leaned over the counter and said" you are a f£$%ing b!!ch" I looked over my glasses and replied "excuse me, that's super f$%^ing b!!ch to you". That shut him up.
#48
I expected a better insult from someone of your upbringing and education
#49
Back in the day, being openly gay could be downright dangerous, but George didn’t really gaf. Someone called him a queen and he responded, “I’ll have you know: my mother is still alive, which makes me a princess!” Once worked w a “Karen” who was actually named Karen. In addition to being a b!tch on wheels, she was also next level morbidly obese. One day, I was on the phone with one of our clients who, in the course of the conversation, complained about her to me. I took the complaint to our team lead. She said, “Yeah, I get a lot of complaints about her, but she says the clients don’t like her because she’s heavy.” Before I could stop myself, I shot back with, “But Jo, if I were blind I’d still think she’s a b!tch!”
#50
I went to Catholic school and the teacher said “there’s a special place in hell for people like you” and I said back “see you there”
Lauren Caswell 4 years ago (edited)
The "special place in hell for children" who are treated badly or abused could only be a special visitors box they can access from heaven, should they wish to watch their abusers reap what they've sown.
cybermerlin2000 4 years ago
I didn't go to a catholic school, but a teacher said the same thing in a religious education class to a kid who was always talking in class. She said the "There's a special place for people like you in hell!" and he replied "Yeah, it's called teaching" To the teachers credit she just shrugged, nodded her head and said "You're right"
California Jones 4 years ago (edited)
No, the correct response is always, "Yeah, and it's called a throne."
#51
So there was 2 girls fighting and one of them looks at my sister who was minding her own busyness and says: you go to hell too! My sister:do you want me to say anything to your mom?
Jaded Queen 4 years ago
Oh. Shut up. If u r that sensitive about heaven & hell than just stop making distinction between heaven and hell. It's all in human imagination and nature. There is no geographical place or other dimensions
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#52
When your ex calls you stupid, you respond “you’re proof of that”
chrissy goodman 4 years ago
i have have used this before but u have to b careful bc some ppl have a side they hide i got a broken wrist for saying this to one of my exs it was the day we broke up.
#53
Was out with a friend who was wearing a silly outfit. Someone came up and said "Why are you wearing that, it's not Halloween!" He replied with "Then why don't you take off that hideous mask?"
#54
My brother was in his history class that just happened to have accumulated all the really disruptive and not-so-intelligent kids. They'd constantly interrupt and make the class hell, and the teacher didn't really do anything about it. One day, a girl who had caused a ton of problems acted up in the usual way to derail the class and he had had enough. He turned to her and told her to shut up and she flipped. The teacher told her to be careful what she says to him, because she might be working for him one day. My brother turns to the teacher and goes, "Nah, I don't plan on being a pimp." The class loses it, the teacher has to step out from laughing, and that girl apparently didn't bother my brother for the rest of the year.
S. 4 years ago
Correct me if I'm wrong, but this submission feels stolen... Screenshot...-18-86.png 
tuzdayschild 4 years ago
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how little I care that some of these were in Reddit first.
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#55
When I was in high school I had an ancient history class with a teacher named Mr. O'Neil. He was a really educated and well-spoken (but quiet) younger guy, a bit chubby with clurly blond hair, and liked wearing bow ties. In this same class was this kid named Jake, who was one of those kids that always acted like a smartass to every teacher in order to try and get a laugh. He was so annoying he actually had a stapler thrown at his direction by another teacher, which is a whole other story I told the other day. Anyway, I remember one day Mr. O'Neil was having trouble reaching the string to pull down the screen for the projector. He would make little jumps and swat at the string, but just barely couldn't get it. Jake noticed and saw an opportunity so he yelled out, "What's the matter Mr. O'Neil, can't reach?" Him and his buddies chuckled to themselves like a bunch of goons in the corner. Mr. O'Neil replied, "No, Jake. I'm just getting my morning exercise." and then he started touching his toes. It wasn't the most clever comeback, but coming from a guy like Mr. O'Neil it was pretty hilarious. More importantly, it shut Jake up and a majority of the class started laughing at him. Mr. O'Neil became a bit of a hero for being the guy to shut down one of the annoying smart ass kids that would always disrupt class.
chrissy goodman 4 years ago
my middle school librarian was like this he was short kind of a dork and proud to admit that. one student in paticular would make fun of him alot. mr. leif's comeback well he got on who wants to b a millionare back wen regis still hosted it and won the million dollars. wen he came to school he brought a picture of him holding the check standing with regis showed the kid and simply said "being a nerdy dork can get u places" and went back to work. the kid never bothered him or any teacher ever again. wen we graduated high school in 2008 he actually brought mr.leif his final report card to show him all i kno is that mr.leif was proud to make a student want to learn even if it was bc he wanted to have a great comeback lol.
#56
It was a exchange between 2 co-workers a few years back, basically a slut shaming gone wrong. Person A had only ever slept with one person, their previous boyfriend that they were still obsessed with. Person B was the opposite and would bang a different person every week.
Person A: “I can’t believe how many people you’ve slept with, I don’t understand how people can have sex with someone they aren’t in love with”
Person B: “Well your ex-boyfriend seemed to manage it okay”
Person A: silence as he dies inside
Sarah@C 4 years ago
Disagree. Trying to shame someone for their sexual choices is not just mean but rude and intrusive. Shutting them down is necessary. If more people minded their business about sex between consenting adults, life would be better for all of us.
Load More Replies... chrissy goodman 4 years ago
s**t shaming isnt ok if a woman wants to b that thats their choice. however if u r s**t shaming someone who isnt a s**t at all then thats different use all the mean comebacks u want. ive had it done to me i was s**t shamed just bc ppl assumed all the guys around me were guys i slept with. the reality i had more guy friends then girls and they were like brothers to me so we were really close. i had it with the constant s**t shaming so i went up to the s**t shamer and said "im sorry i have friends who r guys. i didnt realize the friend police was here" everyone just stared at her in disgust bc she assumed the worst about me. this was after college may i add and in a public park. wat were we doing? we were helping one of my friends decorate his snowboard. he was moving to colorado and wanted to bring a piece of all of us with him and since he makes skateboards and snowboards i thought it would b a cool idea and to do it in our favorite park. apparently painting and drawing on a piece of wood with a bunch of guys makes u a s**t to some ppl.
#57
I can't remember the best one I've heard, but I can remember the best comeback I ever did. It is also, in fact, the only good comeback I ever did. I was in 7th grade, and we were in the locker room after gym. People were discussing shoe sizes because this one kid had enormous feet. I don't know if I have small feet, but mine were the smallest. They said, "Small feet, you know what that means!" I didn't mind too much, but one kid crossed the line. He said, "Don't worry, fella, there's like 10 different ways to make it bigger." So I said, "Have you tried all 10?" Not very impressive, but it shut him up.
#58
Son: Dad you don't know how to make a joke
Dad: I Made You!
FluffyKitten 4 years ago
Toxic. Parents should not make fun of their children or make them feel small.
IlovemydogShilo 4 years ago
My dad used to say stuff like that to me all the time . It really hurt but he didn't care. As long as he got a laugh out of it that was all that mattered.
Load More Replies... #59
Prob Dylan’s last phrase of Positively 4th St: I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes And just for that one moment I could be you Yes, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes You’d know what a drag it is to see you
#60
I was 14 or 15 and had a quiet nerdy friend with really bad acne. My older brother had these three friends, all brothers 2, 3, & 4 years older than me and my friend. They were all gangsta, & started their own gang, which I always thought was really funny. Me and my friend walked in the front door my brother and his friends were all sitting at the TV playing Halo. One of the brothers looked at my friend and said "holy s**t Sam, I got two words for you ACNEEE PADS" Sam replied "Cool and I got two words for you Johnny SPEECH THERAPY" The guy had a pretty bad stutter. He jumped right up and started trying to fight my friend. As long as I could remember after that he wanted to fight Sam, but we just ignored them. I dunno why this stuck with me for so long, it was such perfect delivery and shut down of a bully.
#61
“Mr. Faraday, your demonstration is very interesting, but for what purpose does demonstrating that electricity and magnetism are related serve?” “I’m not sure Sir, but no doubt one day you’ll find a way to tax it.” Alleged interaction of a politician and James Faraday, who discovered and demonstrated the link between electricity and magnetism and consequently the electric motor and entire basis for the power stations we all use every day.
#62
I was 13 years old: Carrying a bunch of books for the teacher. Some joker thought it was funny to pretend to fall right in front of me. I told him: don’t fall for me man. My whole book carrying crew and his prank crew all started bursting into laughter. I didn’t register what had happened until much later.
#63
I asked my mother why she always wears makeup despite being in her 40s.
She told me she wears makeup so she doesn’t look like me
I was 9
Paul K. Johnson 4 years ago
I think she was trying to say she looks very young. E.g. she looks like a child without makeup. I don't think she was dissing her kid but it's hard to tell without more context.
Load More Replies... IlovemydogShilo 4 years ago
You don't to look young and pretty. Well congratulations, it's working.
#64
“What are you looking at?”
“I’m still trying to find out.”
#65
Many, many years ago, when we were about 18, a friend of mine was arguing with another person we knew. This person was trying to be a badass and intimidate my buddy. He says"my feet are registered". Without missing a beat my friend replies"Where? Health & Sanitation?". Forty years later I still crack up at this when it comes to mind.
Kisses4Katie 4 years ago
He’s saying they’re registered as weapons. Weapons of death 😂
Load More Replies... #66
Being a lesbian, I get the 'you never had a real man' pretty often. Someone stood up for me: well no one around here...
Sky Render 4 years ago
Mostly jealousy. A lesbian has a better chance at getting a girlfriend than they do, after all.
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Louloubelle 4 years ago
Have you ever noticed that anyone that uses the term "real man" rarely is?
Isabel Care 4 years ago
I told the guys I worked with, that were joking about my "lesbian" haircut, that I was in fact straight. But they shouldn't be afraid as I only fancy men. Took the brightest a couple of minutes to say "Oi"
#67
Overheard some little kids bickering on the train, little boy (maybe 6 or 7) says to younger girl (maybe 4): "you can't even READ!" She says, "oh yeah? Well at least I don't EAT MY BOOGERS!!!"
#68
I'd have to save my own. I had this one teacher in high school who taught computer classes and I had taken almost every class she offered so I knew her very well and we mostly just goofed off in her class as long as we got our work done. I was trying to date her daughter throughout all of high school and everyone knew including her and every time I met something up or made a fool of myself she would hit me with "and that's why you don't have a girlfriend" this became a trend and about 4 weeks after it was a thing she said it to me one last time and I hit her back with "That's why you can't keep a man" she had been through about five marriages and had one kid with each and everyone knew because she talked about it before. As soon as I said that she got red and chuckled and the whole class stopped what they were doing and stared at me like I slapped her straight across the face. One of the over-dramatic kids even ran out of classroom hollering.
#69
Overheard by me, the school bus driver, one fifth grade student was belittling a first grader. When it was time for a comeback, first grader shouts out, "Congratulations!"
The bewildered fifth grader had nothing to say and went to sit down with her friends in the back of the bus.
#70
This short guy at a bar was talking s**t to my friend and he said “I’m going to be the bigger man and walk away.” To which my friend replied, “you will never be the bigger man”
Miss Frankfurter 4 years ago
Robert A. Heinlien: "Never make a short person angry. They'll kill you.". I believe this was from a book that was a collection of sayings by Lazarus Long.
LadyManx 4 years ago
Great book!, As I recall, had some pretty groovy calligraphy as a typeface. Now I'll have to treasure hunting through my books to see if I can find it for a re-read.
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Me Oh My 4 years ago
As a fairly short person myself, I can assure you the friend probably got his clock cleaned by the short one.
Tom Spade 4 years ago
Pro bull riders are not big people. They be cleaning some clock...
Load More Replies... #72
Said this to my mom. I was on the toilet about 5 minutes before we left for a doctor's appointment (I really had to poop). She called my name and said, "Where are you?". I told her were I was. "Well get your ass busy and come on!" I replied, "Where do you think the poop comes from?'".
#73
Once heard it as "after they had you they got to pick one they actually wanted". From the outside stuff like that sounds rough, but they seem not to care much.
What do you think ?
Daria B 4 years ago
Here's one I learnt from a video about Medieval female royal jesters. I don't remember exactly now, so the details might be a bit off, but here we go. In a theatre (I think), a jester lady set next to a noble lady. The noble lady said "I don't want a fool to be sitting on my right". The Jester then switched seats to the lady's left and said "I don't mind."
Tonya Wallace 4 years ago (edited)
The Wizard of Oz had played on tv the previous night, so the next day, while in class my teacher said to me, a little Black girl, "Didn't I see your family on tv last night? The flying monkeys?" I shot back, "Probably. We did used work for your mother." I knew I'd get away with it, because he'd have to tell what he said to me first. I despised that man.
Liam Walsh 4 years ago
Good for you for not just taking it. That was absolutely bloody disgusting - I am so very sorry you had a teacher who felt they could say something that repugnant.
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jk nbt 4 years ago
Hey Panda, you forgot to mention the famous insult Winston Churchill gave British politician Bessie Braddock when she encountered an intoxicated Churchill, and she expressed her displeasure by saying: “Sir Winston, you are drunk.” His answer: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning, and you will still be ugly.”
Phantom682 4 years ago
My friend got 7x6 wrong because she forgot and one of our classmates said "this is why you're failing honors math." and my friend replied "what's 12x12" and our classmate responded "24" and my friend said "this is why you're not in honors math"
Shelby P 4 years ago
Whenever my daughter says "hey, you know what's weird" I like to respond with "your face" (it's just for fun and she knows that I think she's beautiful inside and out). I also like to say "your mama" to her... cause you know... that's me...
MzFitz1215 4 years ago
I use the your momma on my daughter too lol, when she says you know what? I always say chicken butt she hates it
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Barbara Skolly 4 years ago
15 year old me was dumped by a guy because I refused to give him and hand j0b in the park. A few days later we were at an event and a mutual friend showed up with a newly shaved head, down to the skin. Everyone kept rubbing the friends head, i took at turn and looked at the boy who dumped me and said "at least someone is getting their head rubbed by me". He went quite pale.
Jo Choto 4 years ago
Back in the day of cold calling, this guy was trying to sell me "free" magazines, but you know there's always a catch, so I kept telling him no. But he kept persisting and asking me why I wouldn't want FREE magazines? I told him, "STDs are free and I don't want any of those either." He was laughing so hard he had to cover the mouthpiece for a bit and then was trying to tell everyone else in the call center what I said. Finally he came back on the phone, "I guess you're not taking the magazines, then..."
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
"What do you want for your birthday?" Hubby asked me. I said, "Nothing. I'm cheap." And my hubby immediately said, "Oh, I pay, believe me, I pay."..... Twenty years later, he commented, "I'm cheap," and I said, "Oh, I pay, buddy, believe me, I pay," and thus is marriage.
Louloubelle 4 years ago
Sounds like my husband. Although I did say I was cheap once, and he said, yeah, you are. And winked at me.
Load More Replies... whodunnitfan2013 4 years ago
A girl was mean to me in high school. Her birthday was coming up. I almost said, "You should go to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate with other people of your maturity level!" Then the pandemic hit. :/
Kiss Army 4 years ago
Me and my siblings were sitting around one day just bs-ing and my sister made a joke that she was so poor she might have to start selling it on the street corner. My brother said that if she did that she could only charge half price because she was so old. I piped up and said "How do you split a quarter in half?" Us four siblings thought it was hilarious... the sister I said it to, not so much...
Daria B 4 years ago
Here's one I learnt from a video about Medieval female royal jesters. I don't remember exactly now, so the details might be a bit off, but here we go. In a theatre (I think), a jester lady set next to a noble lady. The noble lady said "I don't want a fool to be sitting on my right". The Jester then switched seats to the lady's left and said "I don't mind."
Tonya Wallace 4 years ago (edited)
The Wizard of Oz had played on tv the previous night, so the next day, while in class my teacher said to me, a little Black girl, "Didn't I see your family on tv last night? The flying monkeys?" I shot back, "Probably. We did used work for your mother." I knew I'd get away with it, because he'd have to tell what he said to me first. I despised that man.
Liam Walsh 4 years ago
Good for you for not just taking it. That was absolutely bloody disgusting - I am so very sorry you had a teacher who felt they could say something that repugnant.
Load More Replies... jk nbt 4 years ago
Hey Panda, you forgot to mention the famous insult Winston Churchill gave British politician Bessie Braddock when she encountered an intoxicated Churchill, and she expressed her displeasure by saying: “Sir Winston, you are drunk.” His answer: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning, and you will still be ugly.”
Phantom682 4 years ago
My friend got 7x6 wrong because she forgot and one of our classmates said "this is why you're failing honors math." and my friend replied "what's 12x12" and our classmate responded "24" and my friend said "this is why you're not in honors math"
Shelby P 4 years ago
Whenever my daughter says "hey, you know what's weird" I like to respond with "your face" (it's just for fun and she knows that I think she's beautiful inside and out). I also like to say "your mama" to her... cause you know... that's me...
MzFitz1215 4 years ago
I use the your momma on my daughter too lol, when she says you know what? I always say chicken butt she hates it
Load More Replies... Barbara Skolly 4 years ago
15 year old me was dumped by a guy because I refused to give him and hand j0b in the park. A few days later we were at an event and a mutual friend showed up with a newly shaved head, down to the skin. Everyone kept rubbing the friends head, i took at turn and looked at the boy who dumped me and said "at least someone is getting their head rubbed by me". He went quite pale.
Jo Choto 4 years ago
Back in the day of cold calling, this guy was trying to sell me "free" magazines, but you know there's always a catch, so I kept telling him no. But he kept persisting and asking me why I wouldn't want FREE magazines? I told him, "STDs are free and I don't want any of those either." He was laughing so hard he had to cover the mouthpiece for a bit and then was trying to tell everyone else in the call center what I said. Finally he came back on the phone, "I guess you're not taking the magazines, then..."
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
"What do you want for your birthday?" Hubby asked me. I said, "Nothing. I'm cheap." And my hubby immediately said, "Oh, I pay, believe me, I pay."..... Twenty years later, he commented, "I'm cheap," and I said, "Oh, I pay, buddy, believe me, I pay," and thus is marriage.
Louloubelle 4 years ago
Sounds like my husband. Although I did say I was cheap once, and he said, yeah, you are. And winked at me.
Load More Replies... whodunnitfan2013 4 years ago
A girl was mean to me in high school. Her birthday was coming up. I almost said, "You should go to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate with other people of your maturity level!" Then the pandemic hit. :/
Kiss Army 4 years ago
Me and my siblings were sitting around one day just bs-ing and my sister made a joke that she was so poor she might have to start selling it on the street corner. My brother said that if she did that she could only charge half price because she was so old. I piped up and said "How do you split a quarter in half?" Us four siblings thought it was hilarious... the sister I said it to, not so much...
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