“AITA For Telling Her ‘It’s My Choice To Leave Too’ After She Said ‘My body, My Choice’”
For those seeking to bring children into the family, infertility issues can be a strong blow to take. Fortunately, there are other ways to become parents, such as adoption or surrogacy.
The latter is what this redditor’s partner was ready to undertake for her sister, in case she’s unable to have children. This was a promise she made when they were children, but the woman’s boyfriend wasn’t too happy about it. Scroll down to find the full story below, where you will also find Bored Panda’s interview with the Assistant Professor of Health Communication at the University of Connecticut, Elizabeth Hintz, who was kind enough to share her thoughts on the matter.
People interested in marriage should likely talk about certain important things beforehand
Image credits: Alex Green / pexels (not the actual photo)
This couple didn’t see eye to eye on the matter of surrogacy
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image source: StuckinBluein2024
Finances is one of the main things most people believe should be talked over between partners
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov / pexels (not the actual photo)
Discussing certain matters—no matter how unpleasant the conversation might be—is arguably a must before making a lifelong commitment. Even if everything seems perfect as it is and the partners are highly compatible, some things the future holds might lead to not seeing eye to eye or in some cases, even result in people going their separate ways.
“It is extremely important for people to discuss their perspectives on serious topics including whether, and if so, how, they plan to become parents. People who fail to have these serious conversations tend to experience more conflict in their relationships down the road,” health communication expert Elizabeth Hintz told Bored Panda in a recent interview.
Research suggests that without strong communication skills and practiced space to engage in difficult conversations, people in a romantic relationship might face troubles during certain transitional periods in their relationship.
For many of them, moving in together often marks the first shift of a larger extent in their partnership. And that provides them with an opportunity to work on developing said skills or have certain conversations, which might benefit the relationship in the long run.
Whether it’s marriage or moving in together, one of the main topics to discuss, even if it makes some people uncomfortable, is money. Surveys found that the absolute majority of respondents—as much as 99% of them—believe that it’s important to have a discussion about finances; however, only 35% of them actually do. The main reason seemingly stopping people from talking about it is not knowing how or when to address the topic.
“Honest and open communication is extremely important, but what is even more important is the perception that you could be open with your romantic partner if you wanted to be (not necessarily that you are open all the time, which might sound like it would be a nightmare). Knowing that you could talk to your partner about any issue is essential,” Hintz pointed out.
The topics that should be discussed range from intimacy to family and children
Image credits: Katerina Holmes / pexels (not the actual photo)
According to author and affiliate associate professor at the University of Washington School of Social Work, Wendy Lustbader, some of the most important things to discuss before marriage, in addition to money, are views towards such aspects of a relationship as monogamy and intimacy, attitudes towards family, including the existing one and the one the couple might start together, and religious beliefs, among other things.
Some of the important questions the expert suggested that couples talk through included whether the partners respect each other’s beliefs about the role of a higher power in human life or the absence thereof, how do both of them feel about the importance of communicating their desires and preferences to each other, and are there cultural differences in terms of how relationships within each other’s extended family are viewed, just to name a few.
In terms of starting a family of their own, Lustbader emphasized the importance of talking about whether both of the partners want to be parents, how do each of them view the necessary compromises that come with having a child, and how best to approach a situation when one person believes in strict parental discipline while the other feels that a gentler way might work better.
“Confirmation theory suggests that these kinds of conversations are best received when they communicate two things: firstly, acceptance—the validation that the other person is loved and supported, and secondly, challenge—a prompt to make a behavior change or consider an alternative perspective,” Hintz explained.
“In other words, it’s really important when having difficult conversations about health-related matters, such as the possible outcomes of a pregnancy, to affirm your unconditional acceptance and care for the other person, and then also share your concerns in the form of a challenge to the other person. For example, ‘I love you and I am here to support you no matter what, but I’m worried about your decision and think you should seriously weigh the potential health risks of surrogacy and childbirth’.”
In the OP’s case, the talk about children he had with his partner was not related to having kids of their own and involved a promise made by his girlfriend he was not even aware of. And even though at the time of the conversation it was just a theoretical question, the partners didn’t see eye to eye on the matter, which is why some redditors pointed out that even though neither of them was necessarily a jerk to the other, they might be incompatible with each other.
Netizens shared their thoughts in the comments, many believed the couple was not that compatible
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Even if you don't agree with surrogacy, saying she's crazy because a girl you are not even engaged to is considering giving birth but not keeping a child is wild. Obviously before engagement, discuss kids etc, but you haven't "reserved her body" she's not a library book. Jesus.
Run from anyone who thinks that a husband has the right to "reserve" his wife's body and someone would need his permission to affect it. Marriage doesn't given you rights over the other person's body.
False argument. He never consented to being responsible for her pregnancy care, the expense, the work, the mood swings. That's being forced upon him without his consent, and I choose those words deliberately because they are accurate.
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Both are right. She CAN do this and doesn't need anyone's permission. He CAN decide this situation is not for him and leave. She will have to deal with it if he does, choices have consequences..
Absolutely, thankfully this came up before things got too serious
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A lot of people are taking his comment about discussing it with her husband a little implicitly. If you're married, you make decisions as a partnership. And yes, spending 9+ month acting as an incubator for your sister is a pretty major decision that should be made together. Yes, of course it's her body and choice. But the repercussions of that choice have a major impact on both their lives, especially their lives together. That's why couples discuss things like quitting a job even though it's ultimatley the choice of the person doing that job. It's not about having control over the partner, it's about having respect for the partnership.
This would be a valid point if they were married or close to marriage. But he clearly refuses to see her point of view, also an important part of marriage, even when you disagree. But this is a decision made before even being engaged, she is letting him know which is good, but he has no say over this. There's no obligation to include him. I have never wanted kids, that something I made clear before any relationship got serious. Having kids should eba discussion if you are both open to it, but it was never up for discussion for me. Very much accept this or we aren't compatible, and there's nothing wrong with that. Potential partners set on being parents, it's the same. But you don't have to consider the feelings of a theoretical husband/fiancé. Except if course if you are an American hoping to get tubal ligation, then it seems they trump the woman.
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This guy sounds like someone who doesn't believe consent is needed after marriage. I hope they break up sooner rather than later.
I obviously read a different article from you, as I saw no such thing.
Load More Replies... Either you love someone enough to accept surrogacy as the price of admission, or you don't love them enough to marry them. It's not complicated. She put her cards onto her table and he folded. That's for the best. His use of language and his inability to understand her point of view, even if he were to disagree show he's a bad partner anyway. Break up asap
That girl needs to run I'm seeing a lot of red flags and I'm not hearing circus music!
Her body her choice, but she's also trying to dictate that he participate in something he never agreed to. He will be forced to deal with expenses, crankiness, vomiting, eating habits, 3am care, and a bunch of other things he never consented or agreed to. Consent is a two way street, contrary to what she thinks.
They don't even seem to llive together, it is his timeline only and nothing agreed on her part that he envisions her being pregnant when they are married. She hasn't consented to marriage and you are worried about him being up at 3 am for a theoretical pregnancy?
Load More Replies... Also, not at all the point, but he heavily implies you can't have sex during pregnancy, which is a really odd belief, but consistent with his Incel attitude. Edit for spelling
I never got that. Pnly that for 9 months she wont be doing well in any way.
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These kind of attitudes from males need to stop but it's only increasing. It's like they are looking for ways to punish independent women. Oh you wanna make this choice about your body or future, great suffer consequences that are x100 worse than how I'm actually feeling.
though I understand the feeling you are refering, and this guy is an AH for how he phrased it. Being pregnant, specially in a country with no paid maternity leave is something that affects a marriage. Your bills don't get reduced cause someone is pregnant, they increase. No paid maternity leave means you now have more expenses, and less income, so it does affect directly the partner, cause someone is gonna have to "pick up the slack" and either lower their expenses, or gain more money, and no, it cannot be the pregnant woman that now has way more expenses than before.
Load More Replies... Beware anyone who says marriage track, you never hear the average person say that, just trad wife sympathetic folks.
He's part of the marriage so certainly should be consulted before being forced to support and live with a pregnant woman who is not carrying his baby. Yes, her body, her choice, but it does imapct her partner in so many ways, she should be cognizant of that. What if there are complications with the pregnancy that aren't covered by insurance? What if, after she has that baby, she medically can't have any more, therefore denying his rights to be a father? And let's be honest here, he would also be giving up intimacy with his wife for a time for someone else's baby. There are many ramifications here that need to be sorted before surrogacy. She doesn't exactly come off as being considerate of her partner either. They should definitely not get married. Calling him a misogynist is unfair when she's the one wh0 has unilaterally decided she will do this.
THEY ARE NOT MARRIED, NOR ARE THEY ENGAGED. How can people be missing this? That is a large part of why he is possessive and unhinged. He feels they are in a marriage track, but that ust means he puts a lot of stock in marriage and they aren't close to that yet. They are only beginning to discuss kids. That's pretty basic info when you're dating. He even admits the baby wouldn't be when she's still single, which implies he considers her single now. That's less committed than most relationships six months in.
Load More Replies... She's not going to keep the baby and generally the parents pay the surrogate's baby related expenses, so it really doesn't seem like there's a conflict between potential husband and potential baby.
For those saying they aren’t married, they are planning on getting married! She’s informing him of what will happen during marriage!
Yes...and...? "planning on getting married" but not married, not engaged. Just talking about how they see their future- ya know, the EXACT TIME that things like this should come up and be discussed to see if you're compatable. He didn't go "oh, oh, that's a dealbreaker for me." Or just disagree. He got UPSET that his girlfriend had previously decided on one direction her life is going to take. And then threw out that she should not have made that decision (when she was 8 years old) because she should have known she'd need to get a future husbands permission. That's what freaks people out. That his girlfriend told him about a decision she made when she was 8, before she'd even MET him, and is angry that she didn't reserve that decision for him to weigh in on later. There's a HUGE difference between the need to make decisions as a couple, and revealing decisions you've already made to someone you are dating seriously.
Load More Replies... I understand the cost of surrogacy as the woman but there seems to be very little acknowledgement of the cost to the partner. A marriage shares cost. For example, husband says he’s going to go on a dangerous motorcycle racing trip with his buddies. His body, his choice. But if he is injured or disabled, his partner will share the cost. For this reason, I believe it’s super important in a marriage to make decisions together. It’s called teamwork.
Is OP really colonising his gf's body by essentially calling dibs? It's not his body. It's not his wife. It's not his call. You don't own someone because you decide you might want to marry them anymore than planting your flag is a legitimate way to aquire land.
She said she will be doing this after they are married, with him having no say in the surrogacy.
Load More Replies... This is a deal breaker afaic. Yes, by all means surrogate for your sister, but at the price of your marriage.
One thing I will add to this, It's not 9 months. It's two or more years dedicated to the endeavor. She'll have to make sure she doesn't get pregnant with her own child leading up to a possible pregnancy with her sister's child, which could take one or many months of treatments. Then a decent amount of time for your body to recover after the pregnancy. If they want their own kids, that will take years out of them trying for their own. I feel like his feelings are completely valid in this context, although this doesn't seem to be the context he's presented his feelings in. He just seems rather possessive. Like she belongs to him and he doesn't want to share.
Sounds to me like neither if them were ready for this conversation or approached it well. This is a very mature adult conversation and sounds like they both approached it like children
am i wrong or are the YTA posts from delusional, highly frustrated female humans that try to talk men down in their feelings and expectations?
No she doesn't have to consult with you - and she is informing you ahead of the wedding. No you don't get a say just because you're married or getting married. Talk like that sounds like you think she is property or that you are gaining some kind of ownership over her. You can decide to not be in the relationship though. But you are definitely the AH here.
He would be the husband of a pregnant wife though. Required to take care of her for 9 months + recovery
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I don’t understand why she waited THIS long into the relationship to spring it on him. That’s the kinda thing you tell someone early in the relationship, not after you’ve begun planning your OWN family. What was the purpose of that? I’m thinking she thought she’d wait until it’s “too late” (he’s deeply invested in the relationship) and feel as if he couldn’t say no. This is the kinda thing he needed to know right off so he could easily walk away. Now that they’re tangled in each other’s lives, it’s a crappy thing to spring on him. Also, I could use some help: I totally don’t understand the commenter who said something about “‘when the situation’s reversed, ‘my body, my choice’ doesn’t hold weight anymore.” I didn’t understand what she’s getting at. Help, please? Thanks! 💋
By his own admission they aren't engaged, they are only starting to talk about kids. This is when you do bring that up.
Load More Replies... This is a tough one, they are both right but st the same time willing to listen with compassion is lacking lacking. They both seem to see no middle ground and that's a bad place for a relationship
When it comes to reproduction, there's not a middle ground. You can't be half pregnant, half a parent or half a surrogate. Those things are something you want and choose or they aren't. Pretending you're open to options when you have made up your mind would just be gaslighting.
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both of you need to stop arguing about hypotheticals. Why don't one of you actually ask the sister if she has fertility issues and if she needs a surrogate? If he answers yes then let the debate continue. But right now it seems like you guys are arguing just to argue over something that may never even be a real thing.
Hypotheticals are really important if you think you might want to marry someone. You can't cover everything, but it shows how they think and how they cope with different opinions, it shows it you are compatible.
Load More Replies... Even if you don't agree with surrogacy, saying she's crazy because a girl you are not even engaged to is considering giving birth but not keeping a child is wild. Obviously before engagement, discuss kids etc, but you haven't "reserved her body" she's not a library book. Jesus.
Run from anyone who thinks that a husband has the right to "reserve" his wife's body and someone would need his permission to affect it. Marriage doesn't given you rights over the other person's body.
False argument. He never consented to being responsible for her pregnancy care, the expense, the work, the mood swings. That's being forced upon him without his consent, and I choose those words deliberately because they are accurate.
Load More Replies... Both are right. She CAN do this and doesn't need anyone's permission. He CAN decide this situation is not for him and leave. She will have to deal with it if he does, choices have consequences..
Absolutely, thankfully this came up before things got too serious
Load More Replies... A lot of people are taking his comment about discussing it with her husband a little implicitly. If you're married, you make decisions as a partnership. And yes, spending 9+ month acting as an incubator for your sister is a pretty major decision that should be made together. Yes, of course it's her body and choice. But the repercussions of that choice have a major impact on both their lives, especially their lives together. That's why couples discuss things like quitting a job even though it's ultimatley the choice of the person doing that job. It's not about having control over the partner, it's about having respect for the partnership.
This would be a valid point if they were married or close to marriage. But he clearly refuses to see her point of view, also an important part of marriage, even when you disagree. But this is a decision made before even being engaged, she is letting him know which is good, but he has no say over this. There's no obligation to include him. I have never wanted kids, that something I made clear before any relationship got serious. Having kids should eba discussion if you are both open to it, but it was never up for discussion for me. Very much accept this or we aren't compatible, and there's nothing wrong with that. Potential partners set on being parents, it's the same. But you don't have to consider the feelings of a theoretical husband/fiancé. Except if course if you are an American hoping to get tubal ligation, then it seems they trump the woman.
Load More Replies... This guy sounds like someone who doesn't believe consent is needed after marriage. I hope they break up sooner rather than later.
I obviously read a different article from you, as I saw no such thing.
Load More Replies... Either you love someone enough to accept surrogacy as the price of admission, or you don't love them enough to marry them. It's not complicated. She put her cards onto her table and he folded. That's for the best. His use of language and his inability to understand her point of view, even if he were to disagree show he's a bad partner anyway. Break up asap
That girl needs to run I'm seeing a lot of red flags and I'm not hearing circus music!
Her body her choice, but she's also trying to dictate that he participate in something he never agreed to. He will be forced to deal with expenses, crankiness, vomiting, eating habits, 3am care, and a bunch of other things he never consented or agreed to. Consent is a two way street, contrary to what she thinks.
They don't even seem to llive together, it is his timeline only and nothing agreed on her part that he envisions her being pregnant when they are married. She hasn't consented to marriage and you are worried about him being up at 3 am for a theoretical pregnancy?
Load More Replies... Also, not at all the point, but he heavily implies you can't have sex during pregnancy, which is a really odd belief, but consistent with his Incel attitude. Edit for spelling
I never got that. Pnly that for 9 months she wont be doing well in any way.
Load More Replies... These kind of attitudes from males need to stop but it's only increasing. It's like they are looking for ways to punish independent women. Oh you wanna make this choice about your body or future, great suffer consequences that are x100 worse than how I'm actually feeling.
though I understand the feeling you are refering, and this guy is an AH for how he phrased it. Being pregnant, specially in a country with no paid maternity leave is something that affects a marriage. Your bills don't get reduced cause someone is pregnant, they increase. No paid maternity leave means you now have more expenses, and less income, so it does affect directly the partner, cause someone is gonna have to "pick up the slack" and either lower their expenses, or gain more money, and no, it cannot be the pregnant woman that now has way more expenses than before.
Load More Replies... Beware anyone who says marriage track, you never hear the average person say that, just trad wife sympathetic folks.
He's part of the marriage so certainly should be consulted before being forced to support and live with a pregnant woman who is not carrying his baby. Yes, her body, her choice, but it does imapct her partner in so many ways, she should be cognizant of that. What if there are complications with the pregnancy that aren't covered by insurance? What if, after she has that baby, she medically can't have any more, therefore denying his rights to be a father? And let's be honest here, he would also be giving up intimacy with his wife for a time for someone else's baby. There are many ramifications here that need to be sorted before surrogacy. She doesn't exactly come off as being considerate of her partner either. They should definitely not get married. Calling him a misogynist is unfair when she's the one wh0 has unilaterally decided she will do this.
THEY ARE NOT MARRIED, NOR ARE THEY ENGAGED. How can people be missing this? That is a large part of why he is possessive and unhinged. He feels they are in a marriage track, but that ust means he puts a lot of stock in marriage and they aren't close to that yet. They are only beginning to discuss kids. That's pretty basic info when you're dating. He even admits the baby wouldn't be when she's still single, which implies he considers her single now. That's less committed than most relationships six months in.
Load More Replies... She's not going to keep the baby and generally the parents pay the surrogate's baby related expenses, so it really doesn't seem like there's a conflict between potential husband and potential baby.
For those saying they aren’t married, they are planning on getting married! She’s informing him of what will happen during marriage!
Yes...and...? "planning on getting married" but not married, not engaged. Just talking about how they see their future- ya know, the EXACT TIME that things like this should come up and be discussed to see if you're compatable. He didn't go "oh, oh, that's a dealbreaker for me." Or just disagree. He got UPSET that his girlfriend had previously decided on one direction her life is going to take. And then threw out that she should not have made that decision (when she was 8 years old) because she should have known she'd need to get a future husbands permission. That's what freaks people out. That his girlfriend told him about a decision she made when she was 8, before she'd even MET him, and is angry that she didn't reserve that decision for him to weigh in on later. There's a HUGE difference between the need to make decisions as a couple, and revealing decisions you've already made to someone you are dating seriously.
Load More Replies... I understand the cost of surrogacy as the woman but there seems to be very little acknowledgement of the cost to the partner. A marriage shares cost. For example, husband says he’s going to go on a dangerous motorcycle racing trip with his buddies. His body, his choice. But if he is injured or disabled, his partner will share the cost. For this reason, I believe it’s super important in a marriage to make decisions together. It’s called teamwork.
Is OP really colonising his gf's body by essentially calling dibs? It's not his body. It's not his wife. It's not his call. You don't own someone because you decide you might want to marry them anymore than planting your flag is a legitimate way to aquire land.
She said she will be doing this after they are married, with him having no say in the surrogacy.
Load More Replies... This is a deal breaker afaic. Yes, by all means surrogate for your sister, but at the price of your marriage.
One thing I will add to this, It's not 9 months. It's two or more years dedicated to the endeavor. She'll have to make sure she doesn't get pregnant with her own child leading up to a possible pregnancy with her sister's child, which could take one or many months of treatments. Then a decent amount of time for your body to recover after the pregnancy. If they want their own kids, that will take years out of them trying for their own. I feel like his feelings are completely valid in this context, although this doesn't seem to be the context he's presented his feelings in. He just seems rather possessive. Like she belongs to him and he doesn't want to share.
Sounds to me like neither if them were ready for this conversation or approached it well. This is a very mature adult conversation and sounds like they both approached it like children
am i wrong or are the YTA posts from delusional, highly frustrated female humans that try to talk men down in their feelings and expectations?
No she doesn't have to consult with you - and she is informing you ahead of the wedding. No you don't get a say just because you're married or getting married. Talk like that sounds like you think she is property or that you are gaining some kind of ownership over her. You can decide to not be in the relationship though. But you are definitely the AH here.
He would be the husband of a pregnant wife though. Required to take care of her for 9 months + recovery
Load More Replies... I don’t understand why she waited THIS long into the relationship to spring it on him. That’s the kinda thing you tell someone early in the relationship, not after you’ve begun planning your OWN family. What was the purpose of that? I’m thinking she thought she’d wait until it’s “too late” (he’s deeply invested in the relationship) and feel as if he couldn’t say no. This is the kinda thing he needed to know right off so he could easily walk away. Now that they’re tangled in each other’s lives, it’s a crappy thing to spring on him. Also, I could use some help: I totally don’t understand the commenter who said something about “‘when the situation’s reversed, ‘my body, my choice’ doesn’t hold weight anymore.” I didn’t understand what she’s getting at. Help, please? Thanks! 💋
By his own admission they aren't engaged, they are only starting to talk about kids. This is when you do bring that up.
Load More Replies... This is a tough one, they are both right but st the same time willing to listen with compassion is lacking lacking. They both seem to see no middle ground and that's a bad place for a relationship
When it comes to reproduction, there's not a middle ground. You can't be half pregnant, half a parent or half a surrogate. Those things are something you want and choose or they aren't. Pretending you're open to options when you have made up your mind would just be gaslighting.
Load More Replies... both of you need to stop arguing about hypotheticals. Why don't one of you actually ask the sister if she has fertility issues and if she needs a surrogate? If he answers yes then let the debate continue. But right now it seems like you guys are arguing just to argue over something that may never even be a real thing.
Hypotheticals are really important if you think you might want to marry someone. You can't cover everything, but it shows how they think and how they cope with different opinions, it shows it you are compatible.
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