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Loneliness is an epidemic, and not just in the U.S., but all around the world. In 2025, the Pew Research Center reported that 16% of Americans feel isolated from the people around them all or most of the time. Other research shows that American men under 35 are among the loneliest groups in the world.
This leads to them developing unhealthy coping mechanisms, which, for some, are to blame women for their loneliness and adopt the incel lifestyle, or be involuntarily celibate. There's no exact number on how many young men identify with the term, but research suggests that between 60,000 and 100,000 young men are active on incel forums.
This time, Bored Panda wants to highlight the stories that made former incels realize that the community is hella toxic and made them leave. We're bringing you the experiences that people shared when one netizen asked, "Former incels, what was the moment you realized what you were and what did you do change/better yourself?"
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
So I’ve never had any luck with the ladies, and I was a very angry teenager about it. Never said it out loud, but thought several times about government-provided girlfriends, that kind of stuff (again, I was a teenager). The misogyny went hand in hand with some homophobia and transphobia.
What took me out of it was finding an online community early into my adult years (not about this stuff, it was video-game related) that didn’t ostracize me when I was being normal but had no qualms about telling me how much of a jerk I was when the incel stuff came out. Not really sure what the tipping point was, but there came a time when I realized holding onto all that bitterness wasn’t helping me, and I’ve ended up changing a lot for the better in the years since.
Still never been in a relationship but, although I still want to find that special someone, I feel less defined by it now. I have other things going on in my life and am finding ways to make my own happiness. I’ve even been able to go on a handful of dates, though right now I’m taking time out from it to work on becoming more like the person I want to date while also focusing on my personal projects that make me happy.
To anyone currently within that incel space, I’d say this: Whatever’s happened to you in life, however mistreated you might feel by women (and, in empathy, it’s not wrong to feel lonely - humans are social creatures, after all), it’s simply better to accept being single as your current status and work upon maximizing your happiness as an individual, rather than being single and bitter about it, which will only make life and interpersonal relationships less pleasant for you.
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#2
I was kind of a "nice guy" incel. There was never really any animosity towards women in general or feminism, although I did resent girls that I was interested in, for not being interested in me, and I'd get all obsessive and "in my head" about them.
Eventually I was just so desperately lonely and there was this girl that was interested in me. So I figured "what the hell?". It was only after I started dating her and figuring out what being in a relationship actually is, that I realized how messed up my priorities had been. I had sooo many chances to break out of my loneliness and I regret wasting all that time that I felt sorry for myself.
It was a long road to recovery, but we've been together for 14 years now.
#3
My father cheated on my mom and believed he did nothing wrong
He listens to people like Andrew Tate and religious people who justify cheating through religious loopholes. I used to listen to the same people until my father did what he did and it hit me real hard and I had never seen my mom cry like like that, That was the moment I changed completely.
#4
I wasn't the "women are at fault and I am perfectly fine" type of incel. I was the actual involuntary celibate kind of person that just never felt any attraction towards women and that one time I could have had something with a girl I just stayed flaccid no matter what.
After that, like 12 years later when I was 28 I realized I was actually just gay and living in heavy denial of it. After accepting and living as a gay guy I am happy and got an amazing partner.
Laserleader 7 hours ago (edited)
Yay! Not an incel situation but my new Sister-in-law is a Trans who gave up on denying that they wanted to be in fancy dresses and makeup, and went on a lesbian dating site where they met my sister who had given up on finding decent man and decided to try women, and they instantly fell in love. I couldn't be happier for the both of them, and if they want the surgery my sister and I support them.
#5
I spent a lot of time trying to please girls. I didn't understand how anyone could reject me.
I'm ugly, and when I finally accepted that, I spent more time focusing on my hobbies and ignoring others, and someone found me interesting enough to spend part of their life with me. Weird.
Luke || Kira (he/she) 1 hour ago
I like that this story's moral is not "I was ugly, so I lost weight, molded myself into conventional beauty standards and found a relationship" but "I'm still ugly, but I found a compatibile weirdo nevertheless" 😁
#6
A lot of it was understanding I had to become the representation of the person I wanted to date. I never actively held hatred for folks who didnt like me back when I was 16-20. Just frustrated. All I had to offer was being a "nice guy" and funny. That got me friends but its not always enough for a good relationship.
Wanted somebody who had their own job/money? I had to have one first. How about somebody with their own transportation? Had to have one first. Wanted somebody who was in shape? I had to put in the hours to be fit myself.
Just basic stuff. I didn't have to be a male model, but just removing as many negatives as I could control did wonders for who was suddenly in my dating range. Half of dating is selling who you are to the other person and seeing if they want to buy into that relationship as a partner.
What actually happened is I became self sufficient, confident, and motivated. This just naturally attracts peoples as I was already a decent guy. I found peace in myself and progressing my own life. This is such a huge attracting force its crazy.
Edit: I don't have all the answers but doing nothing and souring yourself is never the right direction. You cant control what SHE thinks. Changing what you can in a positive way will bring people who want to be with you, not just people who see you as a friend. If you want more, you need to be worthy of more. You need to be worth more yourself. A girl wont fix your life magically and she wont fall into your lap if you put off hard work for another day. Deal with as many problems as you can and your life will improve. YOU CAN DO THIS.
#7
I wasn't allowed to express myself. My anger grew and I didnt how to express that either, fomenting a deep hatred for myself. The internet became the only venue I could vent out my hatred and anger.
The turning point was college and meeting people who were better than me and people who were worse than me, as well as people who showed me compassion and love.
I hate the government now instead.
Laserleader 8 hours ago
Dont hate the government... hate politics. The government are people just doing jobs they are hired for and usually have to prove their ability tobperforn the job duties... politicians and politics are the same as religions where the popular or rich can gain power and don't need to prove they can do a job they are voted in for.
#8
When I realized that the girl I was “in love with” didn’t actually exist in reality and was just a concept I made up in my head. She was just a friend, no more no less. I spent so many nights getting angrier and angrier because she didn’t meet unrealistic expectations that I never communicated. At one point it clicked for me, if I loved her, why do I hate her so much? How does that make any sense?
Real progress for me started when I realized that it was actually because I hated myself and was (and still am) dealing with mental health issues. So I started talking about it. I talked to friends, my mom, and my doctor and found out that people do in fact care about me, and I care about them too, and that I don’t need to make up versions of people in my head and can instead just enjoy their company for what it is.
Fortunately, I can say I’m still friends with the above girl. She’s amazing and someone I’m grateful to be in my life, but anything more than that just wasn’t meant to be. Which took me way too long to realize is still very much a great thing.
#9
I was never an incel but I had a cousin who clearly was. Changing his views started with realizing that women are people. They weren’t evil Chad collecting demons. How did he learn this? By getting off the internet and talking to them in the real world. He got a job at a grocery store and started making friends with actual women.
Luke || Kira (he/she) 1 hour ago
Can recommend - interacting with real-life women can cure many things, not only incelism. I spent ~20 years of my life thinking of myself as unlovable and repulsive, until I started doing things that let me interact with women more and I realized they're actually... fine with me, even comfortable, which I accept as a massive compliment of who I am.
#10
I didn’t have some dramatic “movie moment.” It was quieter than that.
I remember scrolling through forums where everyone was angry at women, at “Chads,” at society. And for a while it felt validating. It felt good to have something to blame.
But one day I noticed something uncomfortable: none of the guys there were actually improving their lives. We were just recycling the same bitterness. Years would pass, and nothing changed except the resentment got stronger.
The real turning point was when a female classmate treated me with basic kindness and I caught myself immediately assuming she had some hidden motive. That’s when it hit me — I wasn’t “unlucky in love.” I was distrustful, insecure, and projecting.
I realized I didn’t actually hate women. I hated myself. And it was easier to turn that outward.
#11
My resentment towards the frustration of women not being interested in me was rooted in my own self hatred.
I started losing weight through diet and exercise which gave me more self confidence, but more importantly, it gave me the psychological bandwidth to focus on the things that I enjoyed rather than being resentful that I could get a woman's attention.
I also really began taking to heart the idea that no one owes you their affection. Being nice to someone with the hopes/expectation of them being romantically interested is a scummy thing and takes agency from women. I always thought of myself as a "nice guy" but I wasn't. I was a piece of s...
It sounds obvious but breaking through the toxic masculinity/misogyny of the 2010s and treating women like human beings and as equals was really the crux of it.
#12
It was pointless. I’ve wasted my anger on nothing during my teens. No amount of self-wallowing would help so I just… stopped.
Well, nothing changed so I just redirect my mind away into other hobbies and work. I do cosplays and tinker with stuff, and I’d make sure I’d pamper my best friends with attention and loyalty.
Luke || Kira (he/she) 1 hour ago
Cosplay is a brilliant reason to reinvent oneself. Sheer majority of cosplayers I've interacted with were basically angels among humans.
#13
I remember for years thinking, 'Why won't anyone date me? Why can't I get a girlfriend?" It wasn't a single moment, but eventually I started to ask myself, "Well, why WOULD someone want to date me? What exactly do I bring to the table?"
Instead of thinking about getting a girl, I simply directed my energy and effort into self improvement. Better education, more philosophy and reading, passionately pursuing hobbies, ambitiously improving my career.
Eventually, I became something to pursue. A catch. Then I got snapped up. XD.
#14
I don’t think this comes close to some of the more real experiences, this is more my brief experience with the mindset itself.
I was like 13 and remember coming across some nice guy (pre incel era) forums.
I was accelerated for my age and everyone around me was like a year or two older and pubertying up and dating while I felt left out and just assumed dating wasn’t going to happen for me.
I remember identifying with the nice guy mindset for a short while before realizing the last people I should be seeking dating advice from were the people who weren’t going on any dates.
I ended up dating someone later that year after I figured that it would be better to at least try a few times before giving up on getting dates and the first chick I asked out said yes.
I was 99% sure she was going to say no and went for it anyway.
I was ready for it (and I remember tearing myself down for the approach just after I did it) the yes actually caught me off guard hahaha.
I realized afterwards how limiting the mindset actually is.
I think the extended loneliness and a fear of rejection keeps them caged in a state of inaction.
They seek like minded people to share in their suffering, not knowing that all it’s doing is exacerbating the underlying problems.
It’s like they’re waiting (hoping?) for something to start without realizing that nothings gonna change until they do.
I’ve helped a fair few online friends crawl out of the mindset and they’re doing well for themselves now.
It all starts with getting them to accept the worst aspects of themselves and realize that person isn’t the monster they think they are just because they’re lonely and feel guilty about their fantasies (weirdly common trend with vastly different kinks heard from different people?)
Because when you improve out of self hate- there’s always an element of lethargy to it because who wants to help out somebody you hate? (unless the hate is like, really strong).
It’s way easier to help out a person you care about imo- that includes oneself.
#15
The entire incel philosophy can be dismantled with a single observation: you're angry that an attractive woman won't choose you, and you resent her for it. But you yourself would never date someone you weren't attracted to. You have your own standards too. So would you think it's fair if *they* hated *you* for rejecting them? Of course not, you'd tell them to get lost.
There's your answer. The energy spent resenting people who don't find you attractive is just irrational and misplaced and the focus should be in improving oneself.
#16
People in this thread claiming they “weren’t actually an incel” and then still putting the weight of bettering themselves on someone else is kind of wild.
I had no intention to respond to this when I saw it as the top post on my home feed, but here I am.
I literally told people I was involuntarily celibate, before the term incel was even coined. I spent the better half of my 10 year “involuntary celibacy” claiming that to people. I had a bad breakup after my first experience with someone who, in my eyes, finally gave me a chance. I was dealing with a wealth of budding mental illnesses at the time and felt extremely inferior. I fell in on myself. Certain life events made things worse. I became a victim and getting diagnosed solidified most of what I was feeling.
Look, I’m not gonna pretend I have answers here. I’m not gonna try to give anyone advice. I’m gonna state what I’ve observed.
We are all victims. Victims to life. It can be cruel. None of us asked for any of this. People can be cruel. And we’re all in this together, right? Stuff gets hard. It gets unbearable. It becomes a thought of “maybe I’m not the problem and everything else is.”
That’s not right tho. Its perspective. There are so many beautiful things in this world that outweigh the ugly. People don’t want to be reminded of the ugly.
No matter what relationship it is, you have to remind people that they, and yourself are beautiful and there is plenty of beauty in this world to be had. You can’t do that if you don’t believe it.
Acceptance. That’s where you start. Accepting the circumstances. Accepting the nature of things. Accepting who you are. Accepting that you aren’t who you want to be. Accepting that everything is a little messed up, but man it feels so much better to just accept that there is beauty to be held. If you can’t see it directly, then be responsible and make it happen yourself. It doesn’t take much work or cost anything to just accept that things are awful and still be kind anyways. And it gets easier the more you do it.
That’s not an end all be all statement. Stuff still gets rough and hard to navigate. You can’t let it drag you back into the ugliness tho. What you can do is fight back. Love yourself. Love your family. Love your friends. Love everyone on this planet because we’re all going thru it.
Not a single one of us asked for this, but we are still here. I still have trouble coming to terms with that. But, I’ve learned that being a victim to it, making that your excuse for horrible behavior, trying to blame other people who might even be going thru it worse, whatever negative disposition you may have doesn’t mean jack and people honestly don’t want to be reminded of it.
Just try to be fair, try to be supportive, try to be accepting, try to be what you feel like you might need. Try to be better. Just try to be better.
#17
Yeah i think the real issue is that a lot of guys in that mindset are just... not dealing with rejection well. like you can be socially awkward or whatever but the moment you start blaming women as a group for not wanting you, that's when it gets weird. i wasn't full incel but i definitely had that "why don't girls like nice guys" phase when i was younger and it's embarrassing to think about now.
for me it was just growing up and realizing women are just people with their own preferences, same as i have mine. also got in better shape and actually put effort into hobbies instead of just sitting around feeling sorry for myself. turns out when you're not constantly bitter about your situation you're way more pleasant to be around. who knew.
#18
Facebook decided i'm an incel once.
It was, frightening, I fit a lot of the boxes and the checkmarks just line up so nice, so the algorythm tried to have me pegged.
It started via comics. Truth is the best way to lie to a person. Jokes are the best way to disarm them, and at the end of the day, uf you never say the content straigth, you can always walk away and claim you never meant anything at all with your content.
So comics, I like manga, anime, other stuff. I started seing lots of comics. Always 3rd party. They were reposts. In many of them, a slightly religious theme, very innocent. It was often a particular series where a demon girl softly wants to leave "punishing sinners" behind and get with a bookish guy up on the human plane, with many slightly biblical points to make.
It ramped up. Comics by a variety of authors, but always the same theme. Cheating, scandalous behavior, often involving a cheating wife, or else a woman being in some strange charged trouble. These authors had made plenty of other stuff, but this is what the Algorithm decided I wished to see.
I hadn't made the connection, these jokes I barely gave 2 thoughts about were making some statements selectively, not be creating and presenting content, but by borrowing it and parsing it to fit a theme. They didnt say things out loud, they just platformed jokes. "Sometimes people cheat, and it can be funny, I guess". It's a reasonable assumption, I can't refute it.
Then came the videos. Women. Being. Wrong. A deluge of it. Video after video was a woman being a thief, throwing a tantrum, messing up a workplace, and so on and so forth. This was where I really started being alarmed. So I started looking at the accounts. Account after account had rows if this exact content, repeated, compounded, it's like somebody was gathering every single video of a woman being in the wrong and wanted me to see them all. Similarly for the comics, they wanted me to experience every cheating cartoon woman ever penned.
The truth: "look, some women are bad".
The lie: "these women, like all women, are bad".
Suffice to say I went on a blocking spree and totally reshaped my feed. Do I still get some women on my feed? Yes, but it's so much more positive and balanced now.
#19
I don't think I was ever actually a full incel, but I was, for sure well on my way back in late college. I was stressed, frustrated, and having exactly zero luck. I wasn't taking care of myself. I was almost finished a second-rate degree (non-math CS...CIS...the "I" doesn't stand for "Information", it actually stands for "Insufficient") at a 3rd rate school, it was 2008, the market had just started crashing and 6 in-person interviews I had scheduled with recruiters canceled with dear john emails the day after Microsoft laid off 1500 engineers.
It was bad. I wanted to blame anyone for my failures.
But I'm lucky. I've got a younger brother who is a rock, and one evening we were walking to Zips for dinner when he interrupted my insane, not-so-borderline incel ranting with some hard truth.
"Blaming everyone else isn't going to fix your problems."
If you have 1000 bad experiences, you are the common denominator in all of them.
Likewise, if you fix 1000 problems, you are also the common denominator in all of them.
He was just tired of hearing me complain, but I'll be darned if he wasn't 100 percent correct.
I took it to heart. I'm still 3/4ths of a failure, but it's with almost 20 years of work experience behind me and a career that is, I would say, almost good if not great (in parts).
If I had fallen into being an incel, I really would have turned into a failure because the mentality I needed to actually get what successes I've had would never have surfaced.
#20
I was on the path untill my father noticed it and put in the time to righten the ship. But with how absent parents are now days and how easy it is for young men to fall into self validating pits of nihlism thanks to social media I feel sympathy.
Best I do and what any childless addult who has his affairs in order and some free time every other week...go join big brothers and sisters of america and find a kid or teen who lacks a support system, share some joy and some life knowledge, its only a few hours a month and a couple of check ins and you are doing your part to help the next generation.
#21
I dated someone who was deep in that mindset and didn’t even realize it at first.
The moment it clicked for me wasn’t anger, it was entitlement. He genuinely believed that if he was “nice enough,” attraction should follow. When it didn’t, he’d spiral into “women only want jerks” territory.
What changed him (and eventually ended us) was therapy. He started unpacking how much of his identity was built around comparison and resentment. Once he stopped seeing women as a scoreboard and started seeing them as people with their own preferences and fears, he softened a lot.
We didn’t stay together, but he became a healthier person. And honestly, that was the win.
#22
Doesn't really count, but back in high school, as an edgy teen 20 years ago, I was on 4chan every day, for lack of anything better to do.
One day it clicked that those people were NOT joking about being full-on actual racists.
I do sometimes wonder how some of my fellow edgy classmates turned out after high school.
#23
Partly it was because no one taught me how to socialize and as a result I was always an outsider as a kid. No one was checking if I was doing my homework or if I was brushing my teeth. I had a few items of clothing that were nothing special. Basically t shirt and jeans everyday. No one really taught me hygiene, or enforced it. So basically I was the smelly loner kid with big feelings and greasy uncut hair. I was being bullied at school and at home. Then I moved out and realized that I was just disassociating with reality. Not being in a state of constant sorrow really does wonders for your mental health. I used to joke that my life started at 22 and anything before that I can't remember. I started to groom myself for myself. Then I realized I couldn't talk to anyone. Like I just couldn't figure out what to say ever. Big ol blank anytime someone asked me a question. So I figured out that talking about hobbies makes you a more interesting person, so I started taking up hobbies. Which then led to meeting people organically and having some sort of community. Which leads to dating those people. Also tinder was new and really helped with meeting people and setting up dates. Then I also discovered conversational threading (aka listening to people) and started practicing that. It made me an ok conversationalist and engaged with what people are saying. Which people generally like. Then after a while I realized I was doing okay socially and it wasn't taking up so much energy that I didn't want to do it at all.
Honestly I partly just grew out of it and partly it was because of the situation I was in. All this happened before "incel" was a word though. But I identify my old self with some of the behaviors you'd usually see from them.
#24
It was the song “My Poor Friend Me” by Bad Religion. There’s a verse that goes:
“Lately, I've come to see the solution,
And it begins with me.
But I'm so fallibly human,
I'll pick the lock, but will not turn the key”
And it stuck with me. I was lonely. I hated the job I worked at. I didn’t socialize because of crippling social anxiety. It all just got to a point where I just got sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself and “turned the key”. I quit my job and got a job with people my own age and common interests. Made friends. Went to parties. Went on dates. Made mistakes and learned from them. Luckily this all happened before the internet turned into what it is now. I don’t even think the term “incel” existed yet. I’m just thankful that I wasn’t radicalized online.
#25
I wasn’t an incel per se, I have had girlfriends and I’ve dated, etc, but I had that incel energy. For me, it had a lot to do with the inability to take responsibility for my own actions. Ie, if I rage, it’s someone else’s fault, not mine.
I sought therapy and my relationships with people and myself are much healthier now, and I am in l control of my own emotions.
#26
Fixing the self hate. Never hostile towards any women, but held a resentment on the "Attractive guy gets everything" standpoint. Once i realized being sorry for myself did nothing, it flipped my entire world around. It worked lmao.
#27
I was an incel for about 5 minutes. I heard of the group and could relate. It’s hard to accept that even though you know you’d be a good boyfriend, husband, and father no one else seems to see your potential and your worth.
I go to one of the communities and see the misogyny and the hatred towards women and I’m like yeah this is not me. My issues are personal, they’re not women’s fault.
#28
Oddly realizing that I don't need a woman to feel complete. I just work on myself every day by exercising, do activities I like to do and go to work.
I don't feel any hatred of women, I just don't think I understand them and I'm not meant to. Once I accepted that and started to put the focus on myself and making myself happy and working on making myself better and healthier I felt allot of the stress that was making me unhappy disappear.
I'm older now and have no interest in kids anymore and most of my interests and hobbies are either male centric or better done solo.
#29
I still believe the war between the genders is a planned psyop by shadowy elites who want to divide and control the populace. They made up nonexistent issues and brainwash the average folk through media to hate each other instead rising against of those who hold all the power.
The red pill-, the feminist- and the tiktok influencers are also paid to create false narratives and to brainwash their viewers.
Hostile algorithms also personalise the users news feed to feed them raige baiting garbage 0-24.
This is why I don't want to follow these influencers anymore. I want to be a free thinker and have my own opinion on things, to make my own judgements.
Explore more of these tags
What do you think ?
michael Chock 7 hours ago (edited)
Best place to meet women (IMO) is at community events. Just get out and talk to people, realize everyone is just as lonely as you.
michael Chock 7 hours ago (edited)
Best place to meet women (IMO) is at community events. Just get out and talk to people, realize everyone is just as lonely as you.
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