Humans are fascinating creatures. Not only are we all willing to go to great lengths to get what we want, whether it’s getting promoted at work or landing a date with your crush, we sometimes do it on purpose.
In fact, some people are very well aware that making others like you and helping you achieve what you want is a sort of skill to be learned. And this is all thanks to a handful of psychological tricks they use in everyday life, whether it’s getting a stubborn toddler to sleep or advancing in one's career.
In these two illuminating Reddit threads, here and here, people are sharing simple and harmless psychological tricks they swear by that help them to thrive in everyday life.
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This may sound ridiculous but it has helped me immensely.
I get terrible anxiety attacks from time to time, and my brain basically convinces me I’m seconds away from dying. When I start to go down this spiral, I tell my brain in Samuel L Jackson’s voice “I don’t remember asking you a GODAMN thing!”
Ever since I started doing this I find myself either chuckling or feeling empowered that I told my brain to stfu for once
If you whisper to a crying toddler, they'll quiet down to hear what you're saying.
If you make your words almost imperceptible, they will really quiet down. And if you mumble and throw in some words like "ice cream" or their favorite TV show, it works even better.
EDIT: I'm shocked at how many replies said "this also works in a prison on inmates".
Most inmates have suffered significant traumas that have rendered them very much like toddlers so it makes sense. Rehabilitate >punishing
“How?” - I got this one from a negotiating book by Chris Voss - former FBI Hostage Negotiator, lots of parallels for parenting young kids.
How can we go to the playground if you don’t put your shoes on?
How can we put dessert on your plate when there are vegetable in the way?
How can you have fun tomorrow if you don’t go to bed?
It flips the script on my kids - instead of giving orders, I’m trying to help them get what they want (by having them do what I want) and asking them for the solution. Yeah they can get smart and give chippy answers, but you just keep asking them how….
Oooo, using this today. We don't negotiate with (elementary-age) terrorists.
The power of "Might as well..." It's particularly useful if you're depressed and don't have a lot of energy to do things.
So for example, if I get up to put food in the microwave I'm going to be standing in my kitchen for exactly 1.5 minutes. Might as well put dishes away while I wait.
If I've gotten up to grab my phone from the other room, I *might as well* take this garbage with me and put it in the trashcan. Instead of letting it pile up.
I've just gotten home and am changing out of work clothes and into pajamas. I'm already standing in my closet. The pull up bar is right there in the doorway. Might as well do one or two pull ups. (I even throw in a couple squats while I wait for the shower to warm up.)
Assume stupidity instead of malice.
There are a lot more stupid people than evil ones, and we all do stupid things now and then. It helps empathizing with people who did something you don't appreciate.
Ask your son if he wants milk and he'll say no, but ask him if he wants milk in a blue cup or a red cup and he'll choose a colour and drink his milk! Magic!
Silence. Silence is easily the most powerful tool in conversation. Don't like what someone just said? Go silent and they'll backpedal. Want someone to elaborate when they might be reluctant? Just wait silently. They'll do it. Stay silent during a negotiation and they'll fight against themselves for you.
Being nice really does make life better.
I had to get a cortisone shot in my shoulder. I needed it immediately as I was in a lot of pain. Went to the ER. Doctor was cranky and told me I should have made a doctor's appt. I told him I tried but my appointment was too far away and I was in pain now. He told me I should have gone to walk in clinic. I told him they told me to go to ER. He huffed and puffed. He was overworked and tired and annoyed. I apologized for not knowing any other options. He grumbled. He gave me my shot. I thanked him. Then I said..."My grandmother would have said...today you got another jewel in your crown."....finally...he softened...smiled. Even laughed a bit. Then he sympathized with my situation and said he was sorry I was given the runaround.
I could have gotten mad...used an angry voice..sounded stern or defensive.... but instead..I was nice. Just........nice.
And it made the whole situation so much better.
BTW.. my shoulder feels much better.
I accompanied my (extremely rude toxic narcissist) mother to her doctor's appointment today to get her second knee injection for pain. While waiting in the room for the doctor, my mother told me about how, during her first appointment, she had waited for over an hour in the room, and had then complained to the physician's assistant about the wait when the PA came into the room. Knowing my mother, she had really chewed out the PA (for something the PA couldn't control.) My mother said that the PA was then "curt" and "short" with her and that her injection had "hurt a lot" (surprise!) During today's appointment, I was able to cheerfully greet the PA before my mother could complain about the wait (about a half an hour today) or complain about something else. I ensured she did not chew the PA out for the "painful" injection that happened the last time. After the injection was over, my mother remarked at how today's injection hadn't hurt at all. Imagine that: being polite/nice to people XD
If I want to sway one specific person in a meeting, I attach my opinion to something THEY said. "I agree with Erica" or "To Erica's point earlier" makes Erica much more likely to agree with what I'm about to say next.
I use this constantly with people both up and down the chain from me.
When driving, always assume the other person has some legit reason to cut you off, merge late, tailgate…like maybe they are rushing to the hospital to see their daughter who is dying..you never know…just let them go, maybe they need to be there faster. No anger
I like to hand people stuff while I talk to them...most of the time they unconsciously take it, only to have to awkwardly put it down later. This benefits me in no way, but i find it endlessly amusing.
Have you ever heard of "don't think about your life after 9 pm"? You tend to think more negatively about your life etc. when you are tired and exhausted. Well, if i am having some rough week's or months and I notice that I start to view things in my life more negatively, I just say to myself that it's because it's past 9 pm and I just have to wait, things will probably turn out better then I expect right now
No, I haven’t heard it. This suggestion works? While I’m a ruminator (every possible second is used up ruminating), it gets worse (and goes as far as “scary”) at night. I didn’t know this is a “thing,” but I’ll try this tip to see whether I can at least stop the scary stuff.
When a “superior” is talking down to you, say the least amount of words as possible and stare directly at their forehead, never look them in the eyes. Keep a calm demeanor. This will absolutely destroy a superiority complex in the most subtle way possible.
When I meet someone for the first time, I make a point to remember something specific they told me about themselves and then ask them about it the next time I see them. It could be about their job, family, hobbies, it doesn’t matter.
You’d be amazed how much it means to people when you not only actually/actively listen, but when you can show that you were interested/cared enough to remember what they said and follow-up the next time you see them.
My girlfriend often doesn't know what she wants for dinner. So I'll tell her I'm getting dinner and it's a "surprise" inevitably she takes a few guesses and I pick one of those places.
90% of the time I use my customer service voice instead of my normal voice. People just treat you better when you're cheery and upbeat. I also think it kinda makes me more cheery and upbeat.
If you smile, even if feeling down, your brain gets confused and thinks that you're happy, so you start feeling better. Trick I learned while working in call centers - have a small mirror on your desk to remind you to smile. Even so, you can't please everyone. Had a customer become aggressively spicy because I was too happy for such an early time ... Lol *shrug*
When dealing with customers, I do a lot of "positive language" EX: It's never "sorry for your wait" more "Thank you for your patience". I am pretty good with customer service, often have my name mentioned positievely in Google Reviews, and my boss points me out to the new guy as "the one we need to be like" for customer service
If you're regularly considered a bit strange, (not in a bad way but out of left field sometimes strange) lean into it rather than trying to hide it completely (if it is acceptable/safe to do so). Hidden strangeness that slips out of the mask can be off-putting, strangeness used tactically can make you a loved coworker
I work in an internal medicine clinic and my practice manager gave me my employee review, it was specifically noted that I lighten the mood of the office by making jokes and comments to the benefit of other staff
I caww at the passing nurses and they all make sounds back at me, I referred to samples as "danger candy" making a provider chuckle on a hard day, a nurse and provider came to thank me for helping them get needed patient records quickly and I told them "I don't want your thanks, I want you to acquire me a venomous barb from the hind leg of a platypus" -cue 10 minute long conversation about why I even know about that-. Everyone jokes more, I would like to think everyone is a little less stressed
I was constantly bullied through school until around highschool for being the odd one, now jobs want to keep me around and give me the benefit of the doubt when I struggle with my mental health. Not everything can be turned into a strength but I'm glad I could do it with this
I guess I would call it using inertia. It’s a million times easier to keep doing something once you have started. So if I don’t feel like working out I tell myself I’ll just do a short work out. Or if the dishes need to be done I’ll tell myself to do one. More often than not once I start doing something my brain stops fighting so much against it.
The important thing though is to let yourself only do the short workout or that one dish if you start and still are fighting yourself. Otherwise you just don’t start in the first place because you know you are really talking about doing the whole thing.
Yup. In my worst stage of depression, my sister would set a 5 min timer for me to clean with her. And when it went off I could go back to bed. Most times I didn't go back to bed. Would have a bite to eat, since I was up, etc
My teacher friend told me this trick years ago and it works every time. Instead of asking a child something like ‘Can you put that back please?’ You say ‘Put that back thank you.’
When it’s phrased as a statement as if they’ve already done so, rather than what sounds like you begging them to do something, they’re more likely to do it. This tiny phrasing manipulation works really well and is not obvious to the children.
When giving options, give a subtle nod to the option you want them to pick.
Choice paralysis destroys people and renders them unable to do anything. It is far easier to make a choice between two options than every option.
So don't give them every option. Change from open ended questions to multiple choice.
"Do you want to do this or do you want to do that?" Instead of "What do you want to do?"
"I'm thinking of watching this or watching that tonight" instead of "What would you like to watch this evening"
Works on yourself pretty well too. "Are you going to start cleaning the house by vacuuming or taking out the trash?" leads you to make a decision, and look at that you've already done something.
Mental momentum is a serious thing. It's easier to do things if you're already doing something. So instead of confronting the grand tapestry of things you can do, pick two at random and force yourself to choose one. You'd be surprised how quickly you do the second thing as well after completing the first, because you're already working so why not keep working?
When my fiancée and I are trying to decide on dinner. One person does the top 5 options, the second top two of 5 and the first picks the final.
Neuroplasticity... the ability to literally change your brain by what you think about. I used to be constantly negative, and it turns out negative thinking eventually becomes habitual. It changes the connections in your brain. It all starts with the brain. It all starts with how you think. You can form new and healthy pathways in the brain if you can change how you think.
My son won’t eat dinner, but he will eat a snack. Dinner is now called snack time for everyone.
Idk what the name for the trick is, but it’s a way to remember tasks to do that you might forget.
Let’s say you have to take the garbage bins out after work because it’s trash day tomorrow, but you know you’re gonna forget by the time you get home. Take some random object and put it in a place where you know you’ll see it when you get home. Like throw a box of food or the TV remote at the top of your staircase. When you get home, you see the random object and immediately remember that you need to take the trash out.
Or let’s say you need to run to the pharmacy on the way home from work to fill a prescription. Throw some random object in your car on the drivers seat. You get off work, hop in your car, and immediately remember to drive to the pharmacy when you clear off your seat.
I can’t come up with any examples for actually important stuff but you get the idea.
People are more likely to do what you ask them to if they have already done something for you in the past, no matter how small.
So if you want to butter someone up for a big ask, do a lot of little ones first. Just like "Hey, can I borrow your pen?" or "Could you hand me that, please?".
It is also said that this can help you remember someone's name. "So-and-so, may I borrow your pen?" Brain-wise, we are more likely to remember those we need something from.
Tell someone you only have two minutes to talk, and then start your conversation. The false time pressure can make them pay much more attention.
Sam Lefrak, the great real estate mogul was one of my clients-- Sam used to set a strict agenda, take out all the chairs, limit the the meeting to 5 people or less, and at the end of 15 minutes, walk out-- Man do I miss Sam.
I have a tendency to overeat. To combat this I do two things that help. I use smaller plates for meals and when I'm out I tell myself that if I'm still hungry after the main dish I'm ordering I'll get that appetizer that sounds so delicious.
When a group of people laugh, people will instinctively look at the person they feel closest to in that group.
If you ask someone a question and they only partially answer just wait. If you stay silent and keep eye contact they will usually continue talking.
To judge someone by their intentions instead of judging them by their actions. My dad taught me this when I was a little kid. He’s a big “Tinkerer” as he calls himself. He loves doing projects, almost to the likes of Doc Brown. I was maybe 7-8 and my dad was working on a clock. He had got this really old clock, maybe from the 1800s, and was going to stick it inside of an old wagon wheel from the the 1700s. He’d taken it apart and had everything set up, took him a few days to do so. I went into the garage when he wasn’t home and decided to get the project started for him because he’s my dad and I love him.
Ended up dropping everything. The gears in the clock spilled out and the wagon wheel broke apart. He came home and asked what happened and I told him I dropped it while I was trying to start the project. He just exhaled and cleaned it up. I wasn’t punished or anything. A few years later I asked him why because I would’ve been pissed if my kid did that to my project, the clock and wheel were easy a few hundred dollars. His reasoning, why would I punish you when you were just trying to help. I use this constantly in my life. Recently when my kids used a sharpie on the wall to write about how much they love me and when my girlfriend kills my tomato plants because she trimmed them too much since I wasn’t able to due to working extra shifts at work.
When something s****y happens, I tell myself 'there's no bad days'. Like basically hey, this one thing sucked, but no day is inherently bad, and you only think it is cuz you don't always notice the stuff that goes right- you didn't spill coffee all over yourself in the gas station this morning, you didn't lose your wallet or keys leaving the house. Every day can have bad moments, but one thing doesnt represent a whole day. Idk, i kind of realized that the moment you tell yourself you're having a bad day, you focus on and overemphasize every minor inconvenience or small mishap, and put yourself in a s****y mood over a few little things. Don't let stupid s**t kill your vibe, no bad days.
I keep telling myself that people would miss me if I was gone. That little life hack has prevented me from ending it on many occasions.
OMG, I'm so sorry and I've been there as well. If you need to talk, pls let me know.
Mine involves job interviews (software contractor, interviewing frequently for new gigs). Having done a little stage acting in the past, I learned to reframe interviews and get into a character. In my version I already work there and am returning from a sabbatical. It's going to be great to get back and see my old friends again. It's a really fantastic group, we get along great, working there is a blast, we love our boss, etc.
So instead of studying interview questions like I'm cramming for an exam and then walking in feeling like it's an exam, I would google streetview the building, so when I get there it feels like I've been there before. Walking into their office feels like coming home. I'm genuinely glad to see everybody, totally comfortable with the situation. This attitude comes through when we meet, and when you feel comfortable with people they feel comfortable with you. The whole cultural fit thing falls right into place, which I think is a major factor in interviews. I'm actually retired now, but I had a very high success rate and I give a lot of credit to this approach.
So cool, one of the 'mind manipulation' examples that actually doesn't seem manipulative at all, only win-win for everyone
Instead of using willpower to resist junkfood, I've stopped feeling compelled to eat it by just internalizing that it causes more instances of pain than pleasure.
Every time I bend over to pick up something and feel my fat stomach, there's a pang of guilt and disgust. It happens every time I sit down for any reason and feel my gut protruding. Passing a mirror causes it. Every morning shower I mortar myself with that feeling.
Being overweight is an ever present cloud of self-disgust for me, and for some reason I choose to feel that all of the time for a fast food meal that feels good for five to twenty-five minutes and then f*****g evaporates. Immediately afterward I'm aimless seeking another pointless ephemeral distraction. It makes about as much sense as choosing all that self-hatred for a pooping's worth of reddit scrolling, when the craving usually dies with my hunger if I just eat healthy anyway.
If I'm about to eat like s**t, I imagine the moment I'm finished with it, have a sluggish tight gut, and am instantly in need of another vice to replace it. The comfort doesn't last ten seconds after the final bite.
The wrong choice has stopped making sense to me, which feels so much different than forcing myself to make the right choice with willpower, so much easier.
Love the honesty, the very humanness of this. Good for OP, working so hard to get out of that old neural pathway that no longer serves them. This is the hard truth of real, lasting change, not some santized '3 steps to a perfect life' article. Down with self-hate.
Reframing is pretty solid.
Instead of: “my girlfriend dumped me.”
Try: “why would I want to be with a person who treats me this way?
Make it about you, and that you value yourself instead of a disappointment.
if in a class room/meeting setting and you suspect someone is watching you, YAWN. Then turn to see if they yawn also. if they do, they've been watching you closely.
I’m not naturally great at time management. To combat my tendency of failing to give myself enough time, I put a lot of appointments on my calendar a random interval of time sooner than it’s required. If my doctor appointment is in 2 months, I’ll put down that it’s 45 minutes sooner than it actually is (i.e. 1:15pm instead of 2pm). By the time the day of appt has arrived, I don’t remember whether I tricked myself or not. It helps that I incorporate this change at random and using different intervals of time so I can’t remind myself “oh, I know I have an extra half hour because I always buffer my calendar with 30 minutes to spare.” So I have to trust my calendar and abide by the time it says, just in case old-me was telling the truth this time :)
I don’t assume.
This applies to too many situations to list but here’s a couple. I don’t assume I know what another person is thinking. I don’t assume they’ll make the same decision as me even if they have the same information.
Yeah, like how did 70-million-some people watch the same campaign as I did and then vote for Donald Trump? Don't assume everyone is reasonable.
I use these at work all the time:
1. When you want someone to respond to a whole bunch of things in an email, number the items. That way when they respond to only a couple items, you can say, "please also give a response to items #4, 7, and 9."
2. If you want a meeting with someone, suggest a time and place. They are more likely to respond to you than to come up with a meeting themselves. This was great when I was in sales and trying to get a meeting with a prospective new client. Sometimes I'd even send them a meeting invitation and say, "please suggest a different time/day if this doesn't work with your schedule."
3. If you need information from someone to make your deadline but you aren't getting the info you need, tell them you can't meet your deadline if you don't get it by a certain date. Then that date becomes a deadline for them. "I need those markups by Tuesday if I'm going to have enough time to finish by the May 13 due date." This works really well if their boss or client is also on the email. Just make sure it's organic and it doesn't appear you copied their boss just to be a jerk. Also, don't do this to your own coworkers.
What these all come down to, is be specific when communicating with people. You can't rely on people to put your needs ahead of their own. So you need to make your needs a part of their needs.
I'm an engineer and I work with architects and other engineers often. It's a collaborative job so there's a lot of moving parts. People often fall into the trap of thinking everybody is working toward your needs but the reality is they have their own deliverables and deadlines.
#1 ... this works BUT in my experience it is important to severely limit the number of items. You are far more likely to get answers to three questions than ten. I prune my demands ... could I get this from somewhere else? Do I really need this? Which are the three most important requests, and could I ditch the rest or defer them to a later date?
This is entirely anecdotal, but it's worked for me for years: while walking through bad neighbourhoods, people seem less likely to bother you if you're eating something. I think a lot of it has to do with appearing calm, but I've never had anyone give me a hard time while I'm munching on an apple or banana our whatever. Much safer than fiddling with one's smartphone, anyway. :P
Would love an explanation for this, even if it's just something I've constructed in my own mind.
*don't fiddle with your phone when walking anywhere, including to and from your car. Look around, stay alert. Get in your car and lock the doors first thing. You'll stave off a lot of attacks by just paying attention and barring access. Shady people go for people not paying attention.
Taking a late lunch at work.
I find that if i wait and take my lunch break closer to the end of my shift (around 2pm), it makes the days feel shorter/more bearable. Idk why, it just always felt awful taking it in the middle of my shift and having a whole other half to go after i finished lunch.
I've always had jobs where I started really early, but I've always tried to take lunch at noon for that same reason. I'll work six hours before lunch and 2 hours afterward, etc.
If you have trouble remembering if you've done a daily task, say OUT LOUD that you are doing that task as you do it. I am taking a multivitamin. I am locking the door. I am feeding the dog. It will be easier for you to remember that you did that task because you are using the speech part of your memory.
I do this when I leave for work and I have had the stove on. I turn it off, look at the dog and tell him I turned the stove off.
The physical act of smiling has been shown to improve your mood, so I'll often smile or even chuckle to myself over nothing. And I always smile at everyone I meet, as much for my own sake as for theirs.
Also saying a quick "Good morning!" (or whatever time of day) to those you pass on the street or interact with before negotiating.
I have a few ADHD tips that have helped me in life. I see the "10 minute" rule float around on Reddit every now and then, meaning if a task takes less than 10 minutes to complete then go ahead and do it. Another procrastination tip that my psychiatrist told me is if my "plans" don't exist on the face of a clock then they are not actually plans. I can tell myself "I'm gonna do the dishes today" all I want but if I don't make those plans more concrete then they are less likely to actually get done. So I try to say things like "I'm gonna do the dishes at 2:30 today"...I'm not perfect at executing these strategies all the time and that's okay; I do manage to follow them at least some of the time. Even a few successful occurrences help keeps things from piling up too quickly and becoming overwhelming.
On a more interpersonal level, I try to be more mindful with my compliments and actually compliment the person rather than an object. For example, instead of saying "that color looks great on you!" I'll try to say something like "oh wow, that color really makes your eyes sparkle!" or "that color makes you look incredible!"...it shifts the compliment away from the color looking great to the person looking great thanks to that color, if that makes sense.
This is for my toddler.
I’ve tried a bunch of things to get her to do thing. For example I’m trying to wean her off the pacifier.
Tried gentle parenting techniques, pacifier fairy, even hiding some. Nothing.
You know what worked? Pacifiers are for babies, babies don’t get ice cream. Boom, that simple psychological trick got her to give it up.
Most applicable thing I learned from doing sales for a few years is the "upfront contract." I use it all the time. Basically get an agreement from whoever you're talking to that they'll do something if you do something before you do that something. Makes everyone way happier.
Super common example: you have a roommate or SO who you live with. The common bathroom and kitchen both need cleaning.
How most people do it:
1) Clean the bathroom
2) Approach SO/roommate and say "hey, I just cleaned the bathroom but the kitchen is still really dirty. Can you clean that?
Your roommate or SO will often hate this. They feel like they're being told to do something that they had no say in, which builds resentment. They will often think things like "the kitchen was way dirtier than the bathroom, you took the easy job" or "the kitchen isn't even that dirty and I'm in the middle of something, what a nag you are."
With an upfront contract:
1) Approach SO/roommate and say "hey, the kitchen and bathroom are dirty. If I clean one will you clean the other?
2) Reach an agreement before acting. Make sure they explicitly agree to do their end. Should be easy (unless they're a jerk, in which case you have bigger problems)
3) Clean what you agreed to clean
With this approach they'll feel like they had input on the plan, and even like you're offering a favor by letting them choose which one to clean. Now if you have to remind them about it, they'll feel more guilt over not holding up their end of the bargain rather than you coming off as a nag. This makes a HUGE difference, and if you think about it, is much more fair than option 1.
When i make any decision i ask myself why i'm making this particular choice. What is my current emotional state. Am i using my mind or emotion to buy this thing or do this? I delay to stabilize my emotional state and then i make the decision. This always helps me to to clarify my values and priorities and more thoughtful and intentional decisions.
Apparently mirroring people, like doing similar body movements and using the same words, makes them like you more as they feel more connected to you. Be careful though to not overdo it, because there is a thin line between mirroring and mocking.
I always think to myself before interviews or speeches "I'm not nervous, I'm excited" Because it's almost the same brain chemistry.
I try to determine if I can remember any one person’s mistake. Like can I remember their name, what they did, or when it happened?
It’s almost always no, that I can’t remember it. So I then I remind myself it’s ok for me to make mistakes. As long as I don’t KEEP making the same mistakes, and become memorable, it’ll all be ok.
Think of my future self...
How will my future self feel in an hour or two if I skip my gym session?
Will my future self be happy if I do this pile of dishes now, before bed? Or would he prefer to have to do it in the morning, before work?
I have a three month deadline on this project, will my future self appreciate my current self taking the first three or four weeks easy, or will he be really pissed off?
...essentially delayed gratification. Pretty much all the bad stuff gives us instant gratification, while all the good stuff has delayed gratification. I always try to remember that - if I have to wait to reap the rewards then it's probably the best option.
I fix things in factories, they are typically broken by operators either accidentally or maliciously. When I speak to the operators, they typically get jumpy and panicky.
I tell myself they don't know as much about the equipment, and I need to give them the benefit of the doubt.
I reassure them that I'm not interested in getting them in trouble or reporting them, I just want to know what they or the machine did before it failed so as I dont spend hours looking in the wrong place. Since doing this, I have earned a lot of trust, I have become more relaxed at work and my work rate/repair time is much better
Try to avoid using the word "but," or if you must, put whatever part you want to emphasize after. "But" tends to negate whatever you said before it Here's an example:
"You're doing great, but you could do x and y better."
Versus
"You could do x and y better, but you're doing great!”
It's better to phrase the whole thing as a positive and a goal. "You're doing really well in math, especially addition. Now we can focus on subtraction so you'll be great at both!"
I used to work with a guy who was super opinionated about everything... he would die on every single hill, usually for the stupidest reasons. Like, everyone in the room would agree our next meeting should be Tuesday at 3pm, he would grind the entire process to a halt, single-handedly arguing that the next meeting should be Tuesday at 3:15pm. He'd dig his heels in and argue until it wore everyone down and we did it his way. Whenever he was called out for it, he justified it by saying he was a person of strong conviction and that he would always "speak up for what he believed."
I started getting ahead of it by crediting him for ideas he didn't have. So in the example I just gave, I'd chime in first and say, "Brent and I were talking earlier and I liked his idea of meeting at 3pm." Or I would say, "Brent had an interesting idea," and I would go on to share my idea as if Brent had told me.
He always looked really confused, but he never argued.
I shop for records and video games at flea markets and such a lot, and a useful trick I use is that I've invented a fictional person on whose behalf I am acting. It's pretty useful to be able to pretend I know less about stuff than I actually do, and it can be a great shortcut to get out of a situation where their asking price is completely insane for example and I don't want to get bogged down fruitlessly haggling - I tell them "Okay, let me text my friend" and walk off tapping at my phone for a while.
If someone you want to get to know better is telling you something about themselves, ask questions about that thing. When people share they are looking for connection. By participating in the convo and asking for more info you’re showing them you care about what they’re saying. No it doesn’t matter if you’re actually interested. What really matters is that you’re putting in the effort to think of the other person. This may seem so simple, but you’d be surprised how much it can mean to someone to just care about what they care about.
If you think you’re going to quit something or do something that is a questionable or tough decision, just give it one more day…
Ex:
If you really just need a cigarette, but you know you shouldn’t. Just don’t smoke for one more day.
This works so well for caffeine. I've been drinking red bulls for 3 years and this is gonna help so much
"**We'll cross that bridge if we get there"** - that helps with anxiety.
When ingratiating yourself to someone, don't give the obvious compliment. Say someone has gorgeous, thick, long hair. Find something less obvious to compliment them on. It's likely they get a lot of comments about the obvious thing. A different compliment will stick with them more.
If you're lying, always always ALWAYS include some detail that is embarrassing to you. It makes your story far more believable.
For example:
Instead of saying, "No I wasn't at Jimson James' house. I was with Randy the whole time."
Try saying, "No I haven't been to Jimsons' in a while. I clogged his toilet so I don't think his parents want me over there for a while... So me and Randy hung out."
The extra embarrassing detail makes your story seem more truthful. It gets you out of a lot of s**t.
When I can sense my thoughts turning dark, I start singing to myself. It's basically distraction and does help when I can catch things early enough.
When someone asks me an impertinent or nosey question, instead of answering I ask them why they are asking. Usually, even a Karen will actually answer *my* question and we can chat about their reason until I'm done without ever answering their question. Only rarely do I have to say that I am suspicious about the motivation behind the question and will not answer.
Or say "I'd prefer not to talk about that." "Tricks" that teach us to avoid being upfront and truthful aren't helpful.
If you’ve lost something and are looking for it but can’t find it, stop. Start looking for something else completely different and you will find the thing you lost first.
And if you can't find the first thing, start looking for a third one until you completely forget what you were looking for in the first place, and it no longer matters :D
My father was a psychologist, and I remember being very, very little when he explained to me that people are much more likely to say yes to any question when you smile and nod at them.
If you want people to like you, just let them talk about themselves and don’t argue with anything. People love to talk about their lives and usually nobody cares. Giving that person a chance to speak while you just listen will subconsciously make them like you (or at least not dislike you).
If you want someone to do you a favour, phrase the question so that they have to say no to agree with you. Chris Voss did a really good video about how he was having trouble getting Robert Herjavec to commit to buying tickets to his seminar, so he emailed him saying would you be opposed to buying three tickets. Robert emailed him right back agreeing to buy three.
I’ve tried that many times and I can’t believe how effective it is. The principle is that people like saying no because it makes them feel like they’re in control. If you’re asking for a favour, they’re doing something for you. By letting them say no, they still feel like they’re in control.
I had to say no to Voss' merely because I couldn't get the day off-- when he did the videos, learned a lot
This won't be applicable to everyone, but as a sysadmin I've learned years ago that for career advancement it's much better to be visible to the rest of the company than 100% on top of things and mostly invisible. I will occasionally let something go wrong that I could have prevented because I knew it was coming, and have the fix ready immediately. You look like a hero for fixing things so quickly and management loves you. You have to space it out though you don't want things going wrong so regularly that they start to question why things break, but you also don't want things never going wrong so they wonder why they even have you in the budget.
Using someone's name when talking to customer service over the phone.
A simple "Hi John" after they introduce themselves or "Thanks, John" when they're looking into the issue. I find it goes a long way to getting the outcome you want.
I think it's totally fake and almost creepy when people do that to me. YMMV.
I tell myself that I'm doing it for my wife. My love language is doing things for her. Since I absolutly hate cleaning I'll just tell myself "I'll wash these dishes so my wife doesn't have to" "I'll take the trash out so she doesn't have to" ect. I now clean everyday and whole it's not not deep cleans or anything it helps keep everything under control.
I was a fill in supervisor and fully expected to be given the job permanently. They ended up giving the job to a less qualified man who was now my boss. I was devastated.
I made sure that when I addressed him, I used the most positive cheerful voice I could muster. It took three days and my whole attitude changed. Surprisingly, my resentment toward him disappeared.
I have carried that lesson with me to this day...the tone of my voice can set the 'tone'.
Taking recommendations. If someone recommends a movie or a restaurant, I make an effort to try it out. If you like a movie or food someone recommends it's a sweet compliment for them
Make someone feel good by complimenting their hair or an item of clothing they’re wearing.
Tell myself “I’ve been through worse.” Whenever something painful like an injury or even just s****y happens. Always gives me that extra bit of drive to push through it. If I think I’ve gotten through it before, there’s no reason I can’t a second time.
I've given birth twice and had gallstones. I imagine death might be worse but not much else.
The s**t sandwich. If you want to take the sting off of negative feedback, sandwich it between 2 positive (or at least neutral) statements.
Not that fun but if you are in a meeting with someone who can be confrontational, sit next to them.
How fun it is depends on what you like. Alice Roosevelt Longworth (Teddy's daughter) had a cushion on her sofa embroidered "If you don't have anything nice to say, sit by me."
I sometime ask people about something i know the answer to, and they answer correctly they feel good because they knew something i didn't, and helped me.
To avoid the sidewalk shuffle with someone coming the opposite way, look over one of their shoulders and point your whole nose in that direction. This will telegraph which side you want to pass them on.
Or just walk on the right side of the sidewalk (in the US). When people use sidewalks like cars use roads (walking/driving on the "correct" side) then everything works without any issues at all.
Minimize the amount of variation in your day to day tasks. If you are living life to the fullest you will find that you are constantly bombarded with problems, get togethers, calls, appointments, etc.
Eventually this becomes overwhelming and the little things start to unwind for you - making life difficult because of the thousand little issues that you run into. (Can’t find keys, forgot to brush teeth so your breath smells bad, etc)
My recommendation is get a system in place that only you need to know. For example, no matter where I am when I stand up I do a pat down, keys, phone, wallet - good to go. Get out of the shower, brush teeth - never forget. Little stuff like this over the long term leads so much less small level stresses which allows you to take on so much more responsibility - ultimately helping others.
If you look happy at work, someone will find more and worse things for you to do. Look stressed and you can do virtually nothing and no one says much.
Repeat the last three words they said as a question to keep the conversation going. Obviously not always the exact same three words, but it makes people feel noticed and listened to, and makes you look interested.
People love you after a short but of this, and will also give more info than they may have wanted to.
The Drama Triangle
Whenever I feel my nervous system getting activated over some interpersonal dynamic, I think-
“Am I in the triangle? Am I being a victim? Playing the role of Prosecutor? Rescuer?”
Then something amazing happens, i simply *decide* to not take on that role. Instant relief from the drama. I smile and go about my business. I don’t know what it is, but something about picturing the triangle re-frames my perspective from emotional to logical and then I’m just over it.
In a room of quietly talking people start gently tapping something, or any mild noise that isn't particularly notable, gradually increase the intensity and the volume of conversation in the room will gradually increase, I've brought a quiet room to be almost shouting at eachother with this.
Does it work the other way round? I can't imagine why I'd want to make the room louder
If you are indoors with a baby that's crying out of sheer angst, as babies sometimes do, go outside. The outdoor light will usually cheer the baby up immediately. If the weather's awful, just standing by a bright window will often do the trick.
I try, emphasis on try, to remember that if I let another driver make me angry while on the road they "win". Don't let them win. I also have chronic back pain, so I try to remember to ask myself, "What if that person is in as much pain as I am?" I can't always manage it, but I am trying.
If you are indoors with a baby that's crying out of sheer angst, as babies sometimes do, go outside. The outdoor light will usually cheer the baby up immediately. If the weather's awful, just standing by a bright window will often do the trick.
I try, emphasis on try, to remember that if I let another driver make me angry while on the road they "win". Don't let them win. I also have chronic back pain, so I try to remember to ask myself, "What if that person is in as much pain as I am?" I can't always manage it, but I am trying.
