Teen Feels Like A Fake Daughter After Dad Blurts Out He Adopted Her To Babysit His Toddler
We have all probably said something in anger that we didn’t actually mean. This is not an excuse, as these words, even if not “meant” can and will hurt another person. Oftentimes, family members bear the brunt of these moments.
The internet was divided after a dad wondered if he was a jerk for making his adopted niece the emergency babysitter when his wife was in a major accident. In the heat of the moment, he shouted at the twelve-year-old and insinuated that “being a babysitter” was one of the main reasons she was adopted.
Words said in anger might not be true, but they still hurt
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov / pexels (not the actual photo)
One man shouted at his adopted daughter after she didn’t want to babysit during a family emergency
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / pexels (not the actual photo)
He later shared a small update
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwaway786680
Trust is a huge part of raising an adoptive child
To start with, it is natural to be tense and stressed in a situation where a loved one, like the man’s wife, is injured. The term “family emergency” gets thrown around frequently, but an accident definitely fits the bill. Naturally, tensions will be running high and it’s not always possible to find an emergency babysitter. Oftentimes, families will then “enlist” a family member to babysit, with predictable results. But in an emergency situation, it might be the only option.
While it might be harsh, parents should reserve the right to say “you will do it because I told you to” for cases like this. There are some things that parents want that are ridiculous and should be ignored, but this is not one of them. It’s understandable that the twelve year old would not want to babysit and is probably also stressed by the emergency, but this is exactly the time when her parent needs her to look after the younger child.
However, precisely because she is adopted, he should have been a lot more careful with his words. Unlike most biological children, who take their parents’ love for granted, adopted kids generally have attachment issues. After all, the first parent in their life, for one reason or another, is no longer there.
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk / pexels (not the actual photo)
Someone who has lost their parents would be more sensitive to “family emergencies”
In general, without a concept of “basic trust,” most people tend to feel stressed and isolated. This is particularly true for children. “Basic trust” according to researchers Barbara and Philip Newman “links confidence about the past with faith about the future.” Adopted children often do not have this confidence in the past, so it has to be built in the present. In general, part of trust is having good boundaries, which are vital to any relationship. Not being shouted at is a pretty normal boundary to have, even if the twelve-year-old doesn’t have the language to express it.
A parental figure, not only shouting, but setting conditions for adoption (and therefore for love and caregiving) is breaking that trust. Similarly, a child who has had her biological parents die would be even more sensitive to a parental figure in the hospital. This was a moment of great sensitivity and the father decided that a short-term solution was more important than allowing a sense of trust to grow.
Image credits: Ivan Samkov / pexels (not the actual photo)
This can be an opportunity for the father to learn
It’s also telling that his sister thought his words were way out of line, as this person has no doubt a lot more insight into the situation than any of us. The father later clarifies that he apologized and is willing to make things right. In a vacuum, he is not wrong to want his own child to help during an emergency, this is something that will take a lot of trust-building to restore. He has a responsibility to look after her, babysitting or not.
Some people tend to not be able to keep their temper in check when they are stressed, which often does lead to conflicts like this. It would appear that the father didn’t mean his words when he shouted at his daughter, but why should she then ever believe what he says? This is particularly bad, as the parent of an adopted child has to be very careful about what they say and he immediately failed.
Without introspection and learning, this situation could very easily repeat itself the next time they are both stressed together. All in all, he is not a terrible, unforgivable father, it is very human to make mistakes. But this should serve as a learning moment to ensure that he and his adopted daughter can actually have a healthy relationship in the future.
Image credits: Jonathan Borba / pexels (not the actual photo)
Many people thought he was a jerk
But a few also saw his side of things
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Nope, your true colours came out in a moment of stress, you may love her, but you don't think of her as your daughter and you think she owes you for adopting her. Absolutely do what you can to make it up to her, but now you both know, deep down, you're a terrible father.
And no matter what he does to fix it, she will always remember.
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If you really cared about her, that sentence would never have occurred to you. My heart breaks for the kid. OP's good dad mask slipped off.
This poor girl will remember those words her entire life and will be able to recall everything as if it happened yesterday. This dòuchebag....gggrrrr...I'm just enraged. As someone who heard something similarly awful told to me by my mother at the same age, I can empathize with the enormous scar those words are going to leave her. 😔😔😔
Some words really can't be taken back I remember when my stepdad who took me in like I was his own told me I was the reason why their marriage was failing, and yet somehow years later it's still falling apart and I have nothing to do with it. I will never forget it.
Saying hateful things when you don't get your way, then love bombing and apologising a d reassuring the child that they are overreacting and it's normal to yell and say hateful things because everyone says stuff like that is the classic pattern of an emotional abuser.
The NTA completley missed the point. Yes we all say things when we are pissed, but some things are permanent
A grown man should be able to parse his speech, especially in front of children. I guess he doesn't qualify.
I just wanted to comment on the niece/daughter aspect as I have multiple experiences with that. We received permanent custody of 2 nieces and a nephew (at the time ages 12, 3 and 8, respectively). Because they still had memories of their parents, they preferred to refer to me as Aunt, so I respectfully referred to them as niece and nephew who I was raising. The youngest saw and referred to me as mom, and I referred to her as daughter. Later, we adopted my two grand-nieces from oldest niece we raised. They were 2 & 3 respectively. We told them they could call us whatever they wanted... still using our names, as mom, or even new mom. On their own, I am now Mommy (name), and their birth mom they went to calling new mom (because she was now a new kind of mom than before....a visit mom). I call them My Girls. So, I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on that subject. What he said, however, is the most wrong thing that can be said. Apologies ir not, that stuf stays with you.
YTA: why the HELL did you not grab both kids (cause 12 IS a kid) n haul a*s to the hospital?! First you expected a CHILD to watch over another child then proceed to say what you did when she said no. She'll never forget this for fully forgive you
He was speaking from the heart. I'd never forget that statement. I hope that there's an adult this kid can confide in, she's going to need real support from someone who actually cares about her as a human and not as free labor.
This poor girl. First she lost her bio parents then gets adopted by a sociopath who views her as his slave, his property. And he basically to her that! He told her he doesn’t love her but wants to use her. I really feel sorry for her.
Did I miss the part about why the neice didn't want to babysit? It sounds like there was already an arguement going on before the accident occurred. Also, 12 years old is not a teen and may not be old enough to watch a 4 year old alone.
Where I grew up, most girls were babysitting family or other kids by the age of 12. It didn't say why she refused but 12 is generally an adequate age to watch a child for a few hours
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Just seeing this, and needed to add...because we've been there. Yes, YTA for saying that. And it's important to realize that adopted kids can be super sensitive (especially as teens) to comments like that, even ones that aren't malicious. Things we say as jokes to securely attached kids can do this. One time we were camping with family and close friends. Our youngest (adopted) was hanging out on our friends' site while we were packing up to leave. Our friend joked, "Oh, they'll just leave you here." And he panicked. Friend felt terrible. Kid was so afraid. NEVER say things like this.
Yeap big ol fat AH. How can expect a 22 yo to be the caregiver of a 4 year old to start with? Do you even care about your so called real daughter. What a crock.
Having grown up with hateful things being said to me & my siblings, in anger, I can tell you that you might be able to MEND the relationship, but it will likely never be 100% what it was. As a result of my upbringing, I learned NEVER to say things in anger that I would regret later...instead, I have yelling matches by myself when I get very angry or hurt. Gets it out of my system, and yes, I'm able to compartmentalize and carry on as normal. It works for me
She’s only 12! Where I live you can’t even leave a child under 14 unattended, let alone give them a toddler to take care of. Why the hell didn’t he just take them along? What did I just read?
I don't know what op was expecting... That's probably the worst thing I've ever heard of someone telling their adopted kid. Her saying no to the request of watching the 4-year-old had some bearing... It's not the first time she's been used as Free labor. The 12-year-old saw it, called him out, and he confirmed it... I don't know how anyone could have found him to be NTA. A core memory was made for that kid, and it wasn't a good one.
I see this just popped up on bored panda. The reason what you did was so bad is you can't make it go away. Even therapy can only help her understand and deal with her feelings. At any age if someone doesn't know how to care for a child dangerous things happen. You didn't have empathy for your niece who might of been terrified of losing someone else. You need therapy to learn to think before you open your big mouth.
Dude is dellusional to think that some gifts can fix saying something like that.
He’s a complete and utter a*****e because the poor thing isn’t part of the family. He makes that clear by calling her his “niece” after adopting her. My heart breaks for her, now knowing WHY she isn’t a part of the family: she’s a service provider. I’d love to punch this d**k in the throat for that.
Oh my goodness.. how heartbreaking for that poor girl. My mother made an offhand comment once, about how she loved me, but didn't like me very much. I have never forgotten and I am almost 60 years old.
You have RUINED any relationship you were trying to create. You are SO the A$$hole.
She's 12. She may never fully get past what you said. She'll never fully feel like she belongs thanks to you.
That NTA regarding the "one time" ... how do we know this is the only "one time" ...
When she leaves at 18 and you never hear from her again maybe it will finally sink in that YOU ARE THE AHOLE!
All these people saying he should have brought the kids with him to the hospital really don't know much about emergencies. A lot of hospital units (esp burn units or intensive care units) won't allow children under a certain age to enter. Plus, if the mom was in a severe state, seeing her like that could be very haunting to them at their ages. If she wasn't so severe, and she was in a unit that would allow children to visit, then yes, he could have brought them until other arrangements could be made. He also tried to get their known babysitters to help, but no one could, so I think it was absolutely fair to expect the older sibling to babysit for a little while. If he and the wife didn't adequately prepare her to watch the younger sibling in the event of an emergency, then that's on them, but otherwise she should have been willing. 12 is old enough to watch a 4 year old. That said, NONE of that excuses his choice of words. Emergency or not, you don't ever cross that line, so OP is TA.
In some states it's illegal for a 12 year old to babysit. A 12 year old shouldn't be responsible for a four year old unsupervised regardless.
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1) some of these people are delusional and forgot about the pandemic. Hospitals never liked small children in them to begin with and now they mostly still use it to block you from bringing a child in. I've taken care of several people where their husband or wife couldn't visit right away because they had to take care of the children. 2) he could have said a dozen other harsh things to get her to cooperate that didn't bring into question her position in the family. Heck even 'You are a part of this family and are expected to help in times of emergency", would have conveyed the message he wanted to well also solidifying her position in the family. 3) The fact that she refused to begin with even though she realized her adopted mom is in the hospital leads me to think that she needs family therapy anyway because if she felt like she was actually part of the family she would not have said no.
I have been the main hospital in my city this week, no signs about age limits, a usual number of kids around. The Covid restrictions on visitors have all been lifted for a while.
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I think everyone's being a little harsh. He made a mistake. He knows he made a mistake. If we're all being held to the standard of "perfect parent" no one is going to succeed. Yes, he was the a*****e, but he knows it and is trying to fix it.
The point is, he made a mistake he can't fix. In every upcoming argument, she'll remember she is "only adopted to babysit". Even if he didn't mean it It will cross her mind everytime he asks her to do a task (did he adopt me because he doesn't want to do this chore?). Maybe it will get less, but everytime she gets hurt by him in an unrelated argument where he is right and she doesn't get her way / is wrong, then she'll think back on this and feel "less". It is a core memory for her now and probably impacts her a lot, unless he shows (not buys) how much he truly cares for her. He can't show that by having 1 day of dedicated time. Not by two, not by two weeks. He needs to show that over time, and by sacrifices he makes for her. Show her she is valued and loved for who she is, not because of her past.
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I remember years ago my mom told her she wished she had aborted me. She was on d***s then and I was 10 and denying my mom money. I'm 19 and our relationship is great, she's not on d***s any more and we do any of things together. Even tho that memory will stick telling her and making it known she was adopted cause you love her will change how that comment feels. It will go from hurt to understandment soon but she needs time. Your not a bad parent it was a stress filled situation and anger and stress lead to hurt but hurt can be fixed.
I don't get why you are downvoted for sharing your experience. You had a reason for your mom acting out, and you still remember those words. You'll never forget them. I hope op and his daughter can overcome this too.
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It looks like a large number of people here either were raised up in entirely toxic households, or lived a life without stress or without people that they love, and have delusions about how people behave to somebody that they love. Whoever believes that people "say what they mean when they are stressed" also probably believes that you can torture the truth out if somebody. When people are under an unbelievable amount of stress they say whatever they feel can solve the immediate problem.
Absolutely I don't believe in torture, that's an insane comparison. But it would not occur to a parent who actually loves and values their child to say they were just free childcare. He either believes it or chose to say it because it was the thing he could say that would so the most damage. That's not normal. Adults, even under stress (and parents have a lot of practice) don't just say hateful things because they are upset. No good people do that. Only people who keep that violent/denigrating streak hidden during daily life. People who don't have that, don't accidentally let it out when angry. Lashing out with that kind of venom is as much a practiced behavior as taking deep breaths when stressed.
Load More Replies... None is needed. It's an unforgivable thing to say.
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Gifts don't make up for those kinds of comments. Apologies don't either. When your parent tells you you aren't wanted or that they're using you for something or anything equally hurtful, you never forget. Ever. I don't care how much junk he gives her or how many times he says he's sorry, I guarantee she will never forget what he said. I'm decades older and still remember every nasty comment my parent made to me. Every. Single. One. As other people have suggested, he needs therapy to figure out where that horrible comment came from, and they need to go together and hopefully she'll be able to forgive him one day.
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But to say I adopted you because you'd be useful is beyond the pale. The inherent power dynamic and family history means that it was the worst thing he could think to say and he said it to get his way. That is different than snapping at a sibling or friend.
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He's fine to snap. But the fact is what he did is permanent.
Load More Replies... Nope, your true colours came out in a moment of stress, you may love her, but you don't think of her as your daughter and you think she owes you for adopting her. Absolutely do what you can to make it up to her, but now you both know, deep down, you're a terrible father.
And no matter what he does to fix it, she will always remember.
Load More Replies... If you really cared about her, that sentence would never have occurred to you. My heart breaks for the kid. OP's good dad mask slipped off.
This poor girl will remember those words her entire life and will be able to recall everything as if it happened yesterday. This dòuchebag....gggrrrr...I'm just enraged. As someone who heard something similarly awful told to me by my mother at the same age, I can empathize with the enormous scar those words are going to leave her. 😔😔😔
Some words really can't be taken back I remember when my stepdad who took me in like I was his own told me I was the reason why their marriage was failing, and yet somehow years later it's still falling apart and I have nothing to do with it. I will never forget it.
Saying hateful things when you don't get your way, then love bombing and apologising a d reassuring the child that they are overreacting and it's normal to yell and say hateful things because everyone says stuff like that is the classic pattern of an emotional abuser.
The NTA completley missed the point. Yes we all say things when we are pissed, but some things are permanent
A grown man should be able to parse his speech, especially in front of children. I guess he doesn't qualify.
I just wanted to comment on the niece/daughter aspect as I have multiple experiences with that. We received permanent custody of 2 nieces and a nephew (at the time ages 12, 3 and 8, respectively). Because they still had memories of their parents, they preferred to refer to me as Aunt, so I respectfully referred to them as niece and nephew who I was raising. The youngest saw and referred to me as mom, and I referred to her as daughter. Later, we adopted my two grand-nieces from oldest niece we raised. They were 2 & 3 respectively. We told them they could call us whatever they wanted... still using our names, as mom, or even new mom. On their own, I am now Mommy (name), and their birth mom they went to calling new mom (because she was now a new kind of mom than before....a visit mom). I call them My Girls. So, I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on that subject. What he said, however, is the most wrong thing that can be said. Apologies ir not, that stuf stays with you.
YTA: why the HELL did you not grab both kids (cause 12 IS a kid) n haul a*s to the hospital?! First you expected a CHILD to watch over another child then proceed to say what you did when she said no. She'll never forget this for fully forgive you
He was speaking from the heart. I'd never forget that statement. I hope that there's an adult this kid can confide in, she's going to need real support from someone who actually cares about her as a human and not as free labor.
This poor girl. First she lost her bio parents then gets adopted by a sociopath who views her as his slave, his property. And he basically to her that! He told her he doesn’t love her but wants to use her. I really feel sorry for her.
Did I miss the part about why the neice didn't want to babysit? It sounds like there was already an arguement going on before the accident occurred. Also, 12 years old is not a teen and may not be old enough to watch a 4 year old alone.
Where I grew up, most girls were babysitting family or other kids by the age of 12. It didn't say why she refused but 12 is generally an adequate age to watch a child for a few hours
Load More Replies... Just seeing this, and needed to add...because we've been there. Yes, YTA for saying that. And it's important to realize that adopted kids can be super sensitive (especially as teens) to comments like that, even ones that aren't malicious. Things we say as jokes to securely attached kids can do this. One time we were camping with family and close friends. Our youngest (adopted) was hanging out on our friends' site while we were packing up to leave. Our friend joked, "Oh, they'll just leave you here." And he panicked. Friend felt terrible. Kid was so afraid. NEVER say things like this.
Yeap big ol fat AH. How can expect a 22 yo to be the caregiver of a 4 year old to start with? Do you even care about your so called real daughter. What a crock.
Having grown up with hateful things being said to me & my siblings, in anger, I can tell you that you might be able to MEND the relationship, but it will likely never be 100% what it was. As a result of my upbringing, I learned NEVER to say things in anger that I would regret later...instead, I have yelling matches by myself when I get very angry or hurt. Gets it out of my system, and yes, I'm able to compartmentalize and carry on as normal. It works for me
She’s only 12! Where I live you can’t even leave a child under 14 unattended, let alone give them a toddler to take care of. Why the hell didn’t he just take them along? What did I just read?
I don't know what op was expecting... That's probably the worst thing I've ever heard of someone telling their adopted kid. Her saying no to the request of watching the 4-year-old had some bearing... It's not the first time she's been used as Free labor. The 12-year-old saw it, called him out, and he confirmed it... I don't know how anyone could have found him to be NTA. A core memory was made for that kid, and it wasn't a good one.
I see this just popped up on bored panda. The reason what you did was so bad is you can't make it go away. Even therapy can only help her understand and deal with her feelings. At any age if someone doesn't know how to care for a child dangerous things happen. You didn't have empathy for your niece who might of been terrified of losing someone else. You need therapy to learn to think before you open your big mouth.
Dude is dellusional to think that some gifts can fix saying something like that.
He’s a complete and utter a*****e because the poor thing isn’t part of the family. He makes that clear by calling her his “niece” after adopting her. My heart breaks for her, now knowing WHY she isn’t a part of the family: she’s a service provider. I’d love to punch this d**k in the throat for that.
Oh my goodness.. how heartbreaking for that poor girl. My mother made an offhand comment once, about how she loved me, but didn't like me very much. I have never forgotten and I am almost 60 years old.
You have RUINED any relationship you were trying to create. You are SO the A$$hole.
She's 12. She may never fully get past what you said. She'll never fully feel like she belongs thanks to you.
That NTA regarding the "one time" ... how do we know this is the only "one time" ...
When she leaves at 18 and you never hear from her again maybe it will finally sink in that YOU ARE THE AHOLE!
All these people saying he should have brought the kids with him to the hospital really don't know much about emergencies. A lot of hospital units (esp burn units or intensive care units) won't allow children under a certain age to enter. Plus, if the mom was in a severe state, seeing her like that could be very haunting to them at their ages. If she wasn't so severe, and she was in a unit that would allow children to visit, then yes, he could have brought them until other arrangements could be made. He also tried to get their known babysitters to help, but no one could, so I think it was absolutely fair to expect the older sibling to babysit for a little while. If he and the wife didn't adequately prepare her to watch the younger sibling in the event of an emergency, then that's on them, but otherwise she should have been willing. 12 is old enough to watch a 4 year old. That said, NONE of that excuses his choice of words. Emergency or not, you don't ever cross that line, so OP is TA.
In some states it's illegal for a 12 year old to babysit. A 12 year old shouldn't be responsible for a four year old unsupervised regardless.
Load More Replies... 1) some of these people are delusional and forgot about the pandemic. Hospitals never liked small children in them to begin with and now they mostly still use it to block you from bringing a child in. I've taken care of several people where their husband or wife couldn't visit right away because they had to take care of the children. 2) he could have said a dozen other harsh things to get her to cooperate that didn't bring into question her position in the family. Heck even 'You are a part of this family and are expected to help in times of emergency", would have conveyed the message he wanted to well also solidifying her position in the family. 3) The fact that she refused to begin with even though she realized her adopted mom is in the hospital leads me to think that she needs family therapy anyway because if she felt like she was actually part of the family she would not have said no.
I have been the main hospital in my city this week, no signs about age limits, a usual number of kids around. The Covid restrictions on visitors have all been lifted for a while.
Load More Replies... I think everyone's being a little harsh. He made a mistake. He knows he made a mistake. If we're all being held to the standard of "perfect parent" no one is going to succeed. Yes, he was the a*****e, but he knows it and is trying to fix it.
The point is, he made a mistake he can't fix. In every upcoming argument, she'll remember she is "only adopted to babysit". Even if he didn't mean it It will cross her mind everytime he asks her to do a task (did he adopt me because he doesn't want to do this chore?). Maybe it will get less, but everytime she gets hurt by him in an unrelated argument where he is right and she doesn't get her way / is wrong, then she'll think back on this and feel "less". It is a core memory for her now and probably impacts her a lot, unless he shows (not buys) how much he truly cares for her. He can't show that by having 1 day of dedicated time. Not by two, not by two weeks. He needs to show that over time, and by sacrifices he makes for her. Show her she is valued and loved for who she is, not because of her past.
Load More Replies... I remember years ago my mom told her she wished she had aborted me. She was on d***s then and I was 10 and denying my mom money. I'm 19 and our relationship is great, she's not on d***s any more and we do any of things together. Even tho that memory will stick telling her and making it known she was adopted cause you love her will change how that comment feels. It will go from hurt to understandment soon but she needs time. Your not a bad parent it was a stress filled situation and anger and stress lead to hurt but hurt can be fixed.
I don't get why you are downvoted for sharing your experience. You had a reason for your mom acting out, and you still remember those words. You'll never forget them. I hope op and his daughter can overcome this too.
Load More Replies... It looks like a large number of people here either were raised up in entirely toxic households, or lived a life without stress or without people that they love, and have delusions about how people behave to somebody that they love. Whoever believes that people "say what they mean when they are stressed" also probably believes that you can torture the truth out if somebody. When people are under an unbelievable amount of stress they say whatever they feel can solve the immediate problem.
Absolutely I don't believe in torture, that's an insane comparison. But it would not occur to a parent who actually loves and values their child to say they were just free childcare. He either believes it or chose to say it because it was the thing he could say that would so the most damage. That's not normal. Adults, even under stress (and parents have a lot of practice) don't just say hateful things because they are upset. No good people do that. Only people who keep that violent/denigrating streak hidden during daily life. People who don't have that, don't accidentally let it out when angry. Lashing out with that kind of venom is as much a practiced behavior as taking deep breaths when stressed.
Load More Replies... None is needed. It's an unforgivable thing to say.
Load More Replies... Gifts don't make up for those kinds of comments. Apologies don't either. When your parent tells you you aren't wanted or that they're using you for something or anything equally hurtful, you never forget. Ever. I don't care how much junk he gives her or how many times he says he's sorry, I guarantee she will never forget what he said. I'm decades older and still remember every nasty comment my parent made to me. Every. Single. One. As other people have suggested, he needs therapy to figure out where that horrible comment came from, and they need to go together and hopefully she'll be able to forgive him one day.
Load More Replies... But to say I adopted you because you'd be useful is beyond the pale. The inherent power dynamic and family history means that it was the worst thing he could think to say and he said it to get his way. That is different than snapping at a sibling or friend.
Load More Replies... He's fine to snap. But the fact is what he did is permanent.
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