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40 Comedy Quotes From Famous Folk That Might Make Your Sides Split From Laughter
Are you a standup comedy fan? Admittedly, this type of entertainment is not for everyone. However, if you are having not the best day of your life, all it may take to brighten things up for you are a couple of funny quotes. After all, scientists keep saying that laughter is the best medicine and prolongs your life.
Some comedians are so good at their job, they can come up with funny sayings not only when they are on stage but also during interviews or on social media. But you don’t need to be a professional comedian with one-liners up your sleeve at all times to be considered witty. Some celebrities also have quite a reputation for making us laugh in real life. One good example would be Ryan Reynolds, whose entertaining and sometimes sarcastic quotes on Twitter earned him a huge following.
And of course, Mr. Deadpool is not the only celebrity with quick wits. If you are looking for funny quotes for bio on your social media accounts, or funny short captions for today’s selfie, we have gathered quite a collection of witty things comedians and other celebrities have once said. You can come back to this article anytime you need funny inspirational quotes to help you through the day, a witty response to an email, or just a good laugh.
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"Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die." - Bill Murray
“Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“ – Bill Murray
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.“ – Betty White
"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list." - Denis Leary
“When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?” ― Billy Connolly
"A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die." – Conan O’Brien
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to 'put down.'" - Bob Newhart
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.“ – Lily Tomlin
"I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? 'Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.'" - Chris Rock
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." - Bob Hope
"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later." - Margaret Cho
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." - Joan Rivers
"It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads." — Andy Borowitz
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.“ – Kurt Vonnegut
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall
“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long
That's exactly why my last relationship ended... Dumb@$$ didn't know there's supposed to only be two in a couple.
"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town." – George Carlin
“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.“ – Paul Fix
I must be ancient, because this is the person I associate with that name: Paul_Fix-6...96da6c.jpg 
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." – George Carlin
My fave Carlin quote: "Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."
"I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it." - Adam Sandler
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." – Steve Martin
“What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.“ – Redd Foxx
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something." - Jackie Mason
"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it." ― Mindy Kaling
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." – Mitch Hedberg
Mitch continues to harvest the kind of humor pioneered by Steven Wright.
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." – Zach Galifianakis
"I told him comedy—real comedy—wasn’t only tellin’ jokes. It was about telling the truth..." - Richard Pryor
“Humor is just another defense against the universe.” ― Mel Brooks
I've lived my life by this rule. I just wish the rest of the world understood the wisdom in humor.
“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.'” – Eddie Izzard
In the beginning there was nothing, and the Lord said, let there be light. And there was light. Mind you, there was still nothing, but now youse could see it.
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." - Billy Crystal
“I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.“ – Ron White
“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.” — Mark Russell
“There’s 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There’s big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn.“ – Gabriel Iglesias
There's also a level where your gravitational attraction affects the tides and the lunar orbit.
“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.“ — Gilbert Gottfried
“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.“ – Sid Caesar
“As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.” — Mel Brooks
“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.“ – Larry David
There's only a few perfect heads in this world, the rest are covered in hair.
"I’ve been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour." - Maria Bamford
"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it" is one of my fave sayings
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” — George Burns
"I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that’s tragic. Because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity." - Jon Stewart
"Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most importantly, laugh at yourself." – Chelsea Handler
If you can't laugh at yourself, you have a very poor sense of humor and self.
“My name is Adam. My father’s name is Adam. Having the same name as your father, it’s alright until your voice changes. My friends would always call up, “Is Adam there?” My father would say, “This is Adam.” My friends would say, “Adam, you were so wasted last night.” — Adam Sandler
"I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'" - Bill Hicks
"If you think you have it tough, read history books." ― Bill Maher
The Holocaust, witch trials, the Inquisitions, sure, that's true. But the evil and ignorance that inspired those historical events is still with us, alas.
"I can't believe we're still giving clothing as a gift. Cause whenever you get clothing as a present, you always open it up and you think, 'Not even close.' And the person that gives it is always like, 'You can take it back if you don't like it.' 'That's alright. I'll just throw it out.' Don't give me an errand." - Jim Gaffigan
Which has led to people giving gift cards. Here's some money, but you can only spend it here.
"I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right." - Richard Pryor
“I saw that show, '50 Things To Do Before You Die', I would have thought the obvious one was ‘Shout for help’.” — Jimmy Carr
"If God had really intended man to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport." - Jonathan Winters
"I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me." –Marc Maron
"People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car." - Doug Benson
"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out." ― Rodney Dangerfield
“When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees, grass, flowers, the sun... that was nice...“ – Emo Philips
"Some of the things I was anxious about as a kid don't bother me at all anymore. Like I always thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be." - John Mulaney
Was that a thing for every millennial?? Because I was terrified of quicksand lol. It was in so many movies, shows and cartoons growing up.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." - Dave Attell
The hottest date I ever had proved that you should never trust food your sister sends from Arabia - apparently chilli stuffed dates are a thing.
"I'm gonna tell you right now—somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke." - Wanda Sykes
"Raising two teenagers is a tough job. Kudos to my assistant." - Conan O'Brien
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller
"Let’s go to brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking." – Bill Burr
My fave Bill Burr routine has to be Punching the Muffins: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnOg01N1u3w
“Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now.” — Ali Wong
"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers." - Matt Groening
“Accept who you are. Unless you are a serial killer.“ – Ellen DeGeneres
“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’“ – Demetri Martin
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." - Steve Martin
"Go on TikTok. There are teenage girls editing themselves into Harry Potter movies. I mean, it's incredible! If that technology existed when I was 11, I would have lost my virginity even later." ― Taylor Tomlinson
"College was like a four-year game show called 'Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?'" - John Mulaney
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’" – Steven Wright
Steven Wright...The Drollest, Dryest, most Ironic Dude ever...and a Comedic Genius. ✌️
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?“ – Jay Leno
They would say that they can only predict other people's future, not their own.
Then I'd say, "Fine. Predict winning lottery numbers for me and I'll split it."
Load More Replies...
Psychic said "I see all and know all." I asked "how much for a reading" she told me 50:00 I replied, "Then you should know that I only have 20:00.:
"If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract." - Jon Stewart
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton
“Found a fragrance called Vixen. Guess they can't name them after the people who actually wear them. Nobody's going to buy Secretary.“ – Whitney Cummings
"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months." ― Henny Youngman
"Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves." - Johnny Carson
"It was so hot in Los Angeles today, I saw a robin basting his own worm." - Johnny Carson
“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson
"Why don't women have crazy men stories? I don't really hear them. And then I realized, it's because if you got a crazy boyfriend, you're going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize they're crazy, it's like, 'Time to kill everything I love.'" – Donald Glover
Women don't have crazy men stories because we either have creepy date stories or end up on dateline stories.
"Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that's just in the hot dogs." - David Letterman
"I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over." - Garry Shandling
“What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?” ― Billy Connolly
"In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say 'scientists'? I meant 'Irish people'." - Tina Fey
"Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as pain-go-bye-bye juice?" - Patton Oswalt
"Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes." ― Bob Thaves
"I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that." – Mitch Hedberg
"My report card always said, ‘Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students.’" – Jim Carrey
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry." - Maria Bamford
"I went home with this French guy 'cause he said something adorable, like, 'I have an apartment.'" - Amy Schumer
“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert
“I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.” - Stephen Colbert
"I’d like to have kids. I get those maternal feelings. Like when I’m laying on the couch and I can’t reach the remote control. It’s like, 'Boy a kid would be nice right now.'" - Kathleen Madigan
When I was a kid, I was the youngest in my house, and we did not have a remote control for the TV. My mom, dad or my older brothers would say, "Somebody get up and change the channel". That was my cue. I knew I was "somebody".
"At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other." ― Ann Landers
“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” – Greg Davies
“My theory is that all of the Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” — Mike Myers
"The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked." — Andy Borowitz
“Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.“ – Thomas Sowell
“The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.“ – Josh Billings
"If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy with any and all bodily functions." — Janeane Garofalo
My mom: I hurt my foot, I think it's broken. Me: You need to go get an xray. Mom: I can't, if I do that he'll tell me it's broken.
"First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.“ - Steve Martin
"She said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sittin' around time." – Maria Bamford
"If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you." ― Dick Cavett
“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson
“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell
"A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old." — Craig Ferguson
"I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room." — Don Rickles
"Girls in Los Angeles like to say, 'I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.' I like to reply, 'I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.'" - Daniel Tosh
"According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That’s right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch." - Conan O'Brien
“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.“ – Jimmy Kimmel
“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
"I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly." — Peter Cook
“Normally you have news, weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre
"Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows." — Natasha Leggero
"If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton." - Jimmy Carr
"Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets." – Jerry Seinfeld
"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it." - Buddy Hackett
"I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, 'Do not go in there.'" - Tig Notaro
“Your twenties are the worst part of your life that you don’t actually know at the time is terrible.” — Julie Klausner
"My friends who have babies can't do anything. You can't go out at night. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.” — Natasha Leggero
“If you text 'I love you' and the person writes back an emoji - no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back.” – Chelsea Peretti
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.” - Gary Delaney
“I don’t have credibility, I’m a comedian.“ – Dennis Miller
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.“ – Henny Youngman
“When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.“ – Dane Cook
“Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!“ – Dave Attell
"My doctor said to refer to my nervous breakdown as an episode. To be honest, it was more like a season finale." — Joe Jacobs
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." — Jack E. Leonard
“In life, there’s a ying and a yang and a balance. And when you don’t have balance, you have comedy.“ – George Lopez
“I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.” — Bill Hicks
“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane
“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood
“My therapist was like, ‘What brings joy to your heart?’ And I was like, ‘I like to see teeth. I guess maybe I should have been a dentist.'” – Tiffany Haddish
“Corduroy hits the sweet spot between jeans and slacks. They’re a trouser middleman.” - James Acaster
“For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I’m making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I’m going.” - Jim Gaffigan
"Of course Trump isn't here. . . I would drag him here myself, but it turns out the president of the United States is the one pu$$y you're not allowed to grab." -Michelle Wolf on 45's refusal to show up at the White House Correspondents Dinner.
"Of course Trump isn't here. . . I would drag him here myself, but it turns out the president of the United States is the one pu$$y you're not allowed to grab." -Michelle Wolf on 45's refusal to show up at the White House Correspondents Dinner.
