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The British have a reputation for having a stiff upper lip, being super polite and reserved, but there’s a whole other side of them that never gets enough love. They adore their jokes, puns, and funny one-liners, and they value them so much to the point they’ve become famous for their witty British humor! This is especially true for the English, who have a long comedy tradition of creating puns, jokes, and telling funny anecdotes.
If you have ever lived in Britain, or if you have visited the country, then you must have come across the self-deprecating humor that is so common here. British comedy never lacks a good amount of sarcasm, banter, and puns, and even those topics that could be considered off-limits are subjected to the brutality of British comedians. Self-deprecation is so common that the British will never refrain from some good jokes about themselves. For example, if you decide to joke about how many times they drink tea per day, they will surely find it funny. In fact, there are many jokes about tea drinking here which are very popular among people and considered an integral part of their culture. Since British comedy is pretty unique and sometimes hard to understand if you’re not used to it, we’ve got some of the best jokes about British people that are sure to make you laugh out loud!
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#1
The past tense of William Shakespeare. Wouldiwas Shookspeared.
RELATED:
#2
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb? One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
Dead Died Death 3 years ago
I don't think anyone's laughing now, except possibly Boris and his tax evading mates.
Load More Replies... #3
What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation? Returning to the scene of the crime.
nooneimportant 3 years ago
the funniest jokes are the ones people feel the need to pick apart.
Dead Died Death 3 years ago
Surely if they were old enough to have been deported they'd still technically be British as they were born here?
#4
My father is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London. He works around the clock.
#5
What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?
Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.
Laura Ketteridge 3 years ago
The joke is that the only way England would win the World Cup is in the FIFA computer game.
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Daniel North 3 years ago
I can assure you that 99% of brits were singing in the way you think We are so very used to losing and know our team are normally do very badly.
Load More Replies... Al B. Wright 3 years ago
Lol, funny, but they're actually in with a pretty good chance at the real World Cup this time around.
#6
How much space has the EU left? 1GB.
#7
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman enter a bar. The Englishmen wanted to go, so they all had to leave.
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
The Irish are still in the EU. Also there was another referendum before Brexit where the Scots also overwhelming picked remain. Remain part of the UK. Seems not being a poor backwater is preferential to following the Franco-German biased rules of the sclerotic EU Commission.
James Twong 3 years ago
Scotland, the only country in the world with it's actual parliament in another country where any decisions on policy affecting it are ultimately decided by people who aren't Scottish.
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
That's because their own parliament keeps f*****g up their budget and coming back cap in hand asking for the English to give them more money. Also technically Westminster is the parliament for the whole of the UK, the Scots, Welsh and Northern Irish have their own representatives within it. In fact, England is the only nation within the UK that doesn't have its own regional parliament/assembly, so really the English are the most hard done by. In reality it's pretty much a federal system in all but name. No different to a citizen of Texas, California or Michigan being governed by Washington DC.
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#8
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Doctor! Doctor who? That’s a great T.V. show, isn’t it?
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
Not a fan of the modern ones. The episodes from the 70s and 80s are good though.
#9
"British people be like “Ken I get a cupa wa aaa.”"
Tweaked 3 years ago
The only accent this might make sense in, is a Scottish one. And Scots do not like being referred to as British. x)
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
Actually it looks like a weird mix between Scotland and Essex. I've seen this before though, and it's stupid since Britain has probably 20 or more unique accents depending on the region you're from. It's a small place by land but lots of variety I personally don't sound a thing like that.
SomeNorthernLass 3 years ago (edited)
That's sorta how we say it in the North East :)
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Apatheist Account2 2 years ago
In Britain, this should be "May I have" - "Can I get" is very American and one is even banned from saying it on Countdown.
#10
"I heard Europe is starting to look sexy. Now that it has lost a few pounds."
#11
How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels!
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
I'm sure many people will be happy with at least one side of that punchline!
#12
What did Britain say to its trade partners? See EU later.
#13
Why did they name it Brexit? They should have gone for the Great British Break Off!
#14
What do you call a London train that is full of lecturers? A tube filled with smarties.
#15
What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A referee.
Rabbit Carrot 3 years ago
That would make sense if England consistently failed to get out of the group stages but they generally make it to the quarters and last time around they made it to the semis (ultimately finishing 4th in the play off for 3rd place).
N Gregory 3 years ago
There actually used to be a (semi)related joke used in ISIHAC about our neighbours - "And, as they rarely say in Scotland, here we are in the second round."
Load More Replies... #16
Why doesn't England have a designated kidney bank? They have a Liverpool.
Rabbit Carrot 3 years ago
There’s a Kidney Wood. It’s in Luton. I’ve been there. It’s very nice.
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
No, unfortunately kidneys from Liverpool would be useless, due to all the stab wounds.
#17
My British cousin recently opened up her own fish and chips shop. She named it "Oh My Cod."
#19
What do you call a Dollar Store in England?
Pound Town.
Rabbit Carrot 3 years ago
The only thing in this thread that has actually made me laugh!
Load More Replies... Al B. Wright 3 years ago
Poundland would rather not be known as that, although you might find both at the dodgy end of town!
#20
What’s the difference between a triangle and Manchester United? A triangle has three points.
#21
What’s the difference between Google Chrome and Manchester City? Chrome has history.
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
Same goes for Chelsea. There will always be something less enchanting about teams that buy success. It certainly makes them so much easier to dislike.
#24
Why is it that England football players can’t have dogs?
Because they can’t hold on to a lead.
#25
Brits prefer brooms over vacuum cleaners when it comes to cleaning their floors. But that might be a sweeping generalization.
Rabbit Carrot 3 years ago (edited)
Yeah we even refer to Dyson’s as the hoover. It’s just what we call all brands.
Load More Replies... Adrienne Mcginley 3 years ago
I always got tripped up by the word "vacuum", (until spell check) so even tho I'm American, I call them Hoovers.
#26
What do Brexit and my dog have in common? They beg to be let out, but just sit at the door when they finally are.
#27
"What time does Andy Murray go to bed? Tennish."
#28
"I’m so lonely. Even Brexit has been on more dates than me this year."
Anime fan 2012 3 years ago
It's because Brexit was Delayed to several days, it was meant to happen early 2020 but happened in December
Load More Replies... #29
What’s a redneck with a British accent called? An Australian.
#31
What do you call someone who is only kind of from Britain? Brit-ish.
#32
"British people be like “Oi.”"
#33
"British people could watch their family be murdered and be like "Hmmm I don't quite fancy that."
#34
"British people be like “Black lives ma-a.”"
Hugh Cookson 3 years ago
No, this is only the one's who are willfully and woefully undereducated (given that we have a reasonably good, free educational system), either that or they come from Essex or the rougher parts of Kent .... Most of us in what is laughably and possibly ironically called the 'United' Kingdom don't have a glottal stop but do have a huge range of wonderful and diverse range of regional accents, each with their own idiosyncrasies ..... please don't generalise, it's annoying and makes you look stupid.
Adam Eve 3 years ago
"don't generalise, it's annoying and makes you look stupid." Please tell me that is intentional irony! In light of your "this is only the one's who are willfully and woefully undereducated" comment. How do regional accents relate to educational attainment?
Load More Replies... John Parkes 3 years ago
yer it duz ma-a . I've got i a schozoprenic cricket bat that wants to mk a deel wiv ur ed :D
Load More Replies... #35
"I have no idea what’s going on with Brexit… Which is something I have in common with Britain’s government."
#36
With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say Make America Great Britain again!
nooneimportant 3 years ago
another question: did you attend school for 3 or 4 years?
Load More Replies... #37
Why is England described as being a wet country? The Queen has reigned over it for decades.
Anime fan 2012 3 years ago
Queen Elizabeth is drinking tea with God now, because whatever you do, if you want to avoid angering millions then you follow her every order, if the Queen tells you to do something, you do it, she is merciful but the uproatmr of angry brits can only me calmed down by her godly power
#39
Why do Brits end up losing weight easily? Every time they make a purchase, they lose a couple of pounds.
#40
My friend, an ice-cream seller, is obsessed with British rock bands. He even went as far as naming his ice cream shop "The Rolling Cones".
#42
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
#43
Why doesn't any member of the royal family go to Starbucks? They don't have an option for royal-tea.
Anime fan 2012 3 years ago
She is the only one able to over-power Chuck Norris, he might be amazing but The Queen can make him a gentleman
#44
How do individuals in Scotland, England, Northern Ireland, and Wales ask each other about their well-being on text? U K?
#45
An English detective was running around the country looking for Leeds for his case.
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
Leeds the city or Leeds the castle (for those who don't know, they're not in the same place)?
#46
The English baker was infamous for being a bad musician. He could never play the crumpet really well.
Anime fan 2012 3 years ago
Us brits love our marmite and Cheese Crumpets with a nice cuppa in the mornin, we do
#47
Two English fishes were debating how to pay for the lunch they were going to order. Finally, both of them agreed to chip in.
#49
Why was Sherlock Holmes looking at the Monopoly box with suspicion? He thought a game was afoot.
#51
The name of the most famous barber in all of Britain is "Jack The Clipper."
Anime fan 2012 3 years ago
No no no no no good sir, I don't appreciate that dark humour, he was known for all sorts of things
#52
Why don’t Americans spell “color” like “colour?” It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don’t need u.
#54
Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end? The English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went to church. And the Scots had a closing down sale.
the shrimp whisperer 3 years ago
and the americans went to mcdonalds and smoked crack in the parking lot until 4am
#56
Why didn't Frideric Handel shop in London? He had gone Baroque.
Muffy Pease 3 years ago
Tangentially, sign hung on music store door: "Gone Chopin, Bach in a Minuet".
ThatBoredDolphin 3 years ago
Better than most of the jokes on this thread roflmao 🤣
Load More Replies... #57
"The last time I talked to my brother he was really sick. I haven't talked to him in a while so I don't know if he is sick Orwell anymore."
#58
Why did the evil man try to poison the baker and his assistant? He wanted to try killing two Brits with a scone.
#59
Why shouldn't you argue with someone while riding the London Eye?
There's no point, you'll just keep moving in circles.
John Parkes 3 years ago
Most of these can be applied to any country in the world. Like this one could be called "why dont you argue with someone on any ferris wheel in the f*****g world or on a roundabout.
#60
If they were going to make a British food version of "Game Of Thrones", they'd name it "Game Of Scones."
#61
My friend just invested in a new company that provides haircuts to British people on flights. It's called "British Hairways."
#62
The conjoined twins went to Great Britain for what reason? So the other one could learn to drive.
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
That's not a British joke, it could apply to numerous other countries.
#63
When you are driving your car in central London and you see a spaceman, what should you do?
Park in it, of course.
#64
What is the longest word in the English language? "Smiles." Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
Zack Podany 3 years ago
It depends if they're walking, biking, or jogging and I don't remember which one's which.
Load More Replies... the shrimp whisperer 3 years ago
this is technically an american joke 'cause it uses miles instead of kilometers ... now i cant stop thinking about "skilometers"
#66
"British people getting stabbed be like: "Oit there mate, bit rude to put that knoife in me chest innit?""
Nathaniel 3 years ago
I am not sure what language these "British people" are speaking in these jokes.
Wondering Alice 3 years ago
I'm thinking D**k Van Dike in Mary Poppins. Try this one as an American trying to do a cockney accent without having spent any time with people who speak cockney. That's about all I can think of.
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#67
"British people be like "I'm bri ish.""
Hugh Cookson 3 years ago
No, only the 'Mockneys' or the willfully stupid would want to be identified with the knuckle dragging exponents of the glottal stop, or 'Estuary' English ....
#68
"British people watching spider man be like “Peta paka.”"
#70
"British people be like "Subscribe to my Youchube.""
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
Well, that's the closest phonetic spelling of the correct pronunciation, as opposed to the incorrect "Youtoob".
the shrimp whisperer 3 years ago
americans exist, im sure youre sick of hearing about us but...
Load More Replies... #71
"British people be like: “Yu luuk beutiful loaf.”"
#72
"British people b like "Yoove gOHt to be joe king.""
Wondering Alice 3 years ago
When you are trying to make a joke about someone's pronunciation, perhaps using "people b like" undermines you superiority.
#73
"British people be like “Mafffmatics is hard, innit!?”"
#75
"British people be like: "I'm not bovered.""
#76
"British people be like “You must fink I’m schewpid innit.”"
Dead Died Death 3 years ago
Never heard anyone say schewpid in all the time I've lived here. People would assume you had a speech impediment.
DennyS (denzoren) 3 years ago
"No, I know you're scheqpid and a twat" Why is that so British. Lol
#78
"British people be like “Can I get a chuna sanwich?”"
ThatBoredDolphin 3 years ago (edited)
Can I get some funny jokes pls. Hold the chuna sandwich though
the shrimp whisperer 3 years ago
fr this post is just dumb jokes with rude people and politics in the comments
Load More Replies... #80
"British people be like “Fookin ell.”"
#83
"British people be like "Can I get a boao of wooa.""
ThatBoredDolphin 3 years ago
A bottle of water. I’m Aussie but am ok at sounding things out.
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William Watkinson 2 years ago
Can I get a bower of wooah ? Is this an anagram because I have no idea what this means.
#84
"British people b like “Fink it frough bruv.”"
#86
"Why do number plates on cars in Britain have different colours on the front and on the back of the car? So Brits can tell where the front and the back of the car is."
Rabbit Carrot 3 years ago
No. They’re the same colour unless broken and the mechanic you take your car to is all out of the colours you want . What the hell even is this thread.
John Parkes 3 years ago (edited)
It's like a deliberate p**s take That doesn't make sense :D
Load More Replies... Al B. Wright 3 years ago
In what universe does a stereotype exist where British people don't know which end of their car is which???
#87
How much do cockneys pay for shampoo?
Pantene.
ThatBoredDolphin 3 years ago
At this rate, we will need a separate thread for explanations of these jokes
#88
What’s the good thing with jokes about the brexit? They will be still relevant in a decade.
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
They will, but the joke will be on the pessimists that are scared the UK won't remember how to actually do well for itself. It will.
#89
Why can’t British people go to North Korea? Nobody at the ticket counter knows what “North career” means.
#90
What had the English telecom representative said to the man who wanted to describe a nuisance caller? Oh, you again.
ThatBoredDolphin 3 years ago
Because the dude was acting like the perfect description of a nuisance caller. But how dis be a British joke?
Load More Replies... Al B. Wright 3 years ago
There's never been a company called English Telecom. There used to be a British Telecom, now known as just BT, but even if you swapped that into the joke it still wouldn't make sense.
the shrimp whisperer 3 years ago (edited)
Yeah Al that sounds pretty c**p to me, Looks like BT aint for me either
Load More Replies... #91
What does the English owl call his favorite TV show?
Dr. Whoot.
#92
Why did children have to always main a 3-foot distance from English kings? The kings had limited heirspace.
#93
Why did the woman have a horrible time in London? She had a horrible heir day.
#94
Why did the graduate reminisce his college days in England so fondly? Those were the best of Thames.
William Watkinson 2 years ago
Don't know of any college in England called Thames, though there is one called Magdalen pronounced Maudlin.
#95
Why was the pet owner having such a hard time with the puppy he'd just adopted in England?
The puppy couldn't be thamed.
ThatBoredDolphin 3 years ago
It’s pronounced like Tems, so the pupper couldn’t be Tem-d, which don’t make no sense
#96
What had the son said to his mom when she expressed her worry about him going to the Big Ben? It's just the Big Ben, there's no reason to be alarmed.
Scagsy 3 years ago
What? These are actually physically painful. I'm gonna finish the thread because I never leave one when I start. But seriously, can you die from **CRINGE**?
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
I feel like some of these have been poorly translated from other languages, or maybe translated fine but they just don't carry over!
Load More Replies... #98
What did the English banker say to the river who was looking to open a new account? You can easily bank on me.
#99
Why is everybody in London always nearly late? They're always nearly on the Thames.
the shrimp whisperer 3 years ago
im dying from secondhand embarrassment and i'm american so just know NONE OF US think this is okay
Load More Replies... #100
What is the main distinction between ohms and watts?
Watts measure energy, while Ohms are the places that Brits reside in.
#101
Why was the English man so sad about being in college, so far away from his lover? He couldn't Oxford to see her.
#102
A pair of English twins loved to play with water while traveling. Their favorite part of summer trips was always Bath time.
#103
A couple was standing under the famous London clock, when the husband asked his wife, "I wish we could have Ben here when it was being built."
Rabbit Carrot 3 years ago
And she slapped him upside the head for being unfunny and replied “Gerald, don’t be stupid. Only the bell is called Big Ben, the tower is the Elizabeth Tower.”
#104
A group of friends was going around England trying to look for greater theatres in order to recreate their amazing London experience. They were globe-trotting.
#105
The English Strait was having a rough month, so his friend suggested that he channel his energy into being productive.
Rabbit Carrot 3 years ago
The English Strait is in Antarctica. The bit of sea that separates the U.K. from France is called the Strait of Dover (or Dover Strait).
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
This thread really shows how little some people actually know about Britain!
Load More Replies... #106
Two friends decided to ride around a park for 10 hours straight. After the crazy experience, one of them mentioned "That was a wild Hyde."
#107
The English dessert was really grateful that her friend, the Haggis, was by her side all the time. "Thank you so much for pudding up with my mess!" said the dessert.
William Watkinson 2 years ago
1. Haggis is Scottish delicacy served as a main course not a dessert. 2. A mess is where you eat when in the armed forces. 3. Pudding can be sweet or savoury unless you like custard on your steak and kidney and etomologically is derived from the old French boudin.
#108
The chef made sure he took a tour of all the bakeries in England. He didn't want to leave a single scone unturned.
#109
The English prince has been having a really hard time coping at school for the last couple of years. He has to appoint a tudor.
#110
"I want to get the term 'England's Royalty' printed on my hoodie. I think it has a nice ring."
#111
English warlords didn't have a lot of choices when it came to their enemies. They could only play the hand that they were celt.
#112
My friend's favorite series is Harry Potter, so she goes to England many times in a year. Fortunately, she is Rowling in money.
ThatBoredDolphin 3 years ago
My most sarcastic eye rolls from Hogwarts Castle #slytherinsforever
#113
An English journalist went to the train station to catch his scheduled train at 2 pm when someone accidentally mistook him for a luggage handler. "I can't handle your luggage, I'm only a re-porter", he chuckled.
#115
What do British people eat in the morning? Cheerios mate!
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
Aren't cheerios American though? The jokes not good if half the punchline doesn't work. Here's my attempt at a better version: What's inside and outside a British kitchen in the morning? Frosties!
#116
Why was the tourist getting his eyesight fixed before going to Britain? He wanted to see the London eye.
#117
What is the reason for British people driving on the left? Because they have no rights.
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
Ever heard of the Magna Carta???? The British had legally enforceable rights before pretty much anyone else!
#118
When British women have their periods, what do they call them?
A bloody mess.
#119
It drives me crazy when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean. They shouldn’t talk like that about their country.
#120
"Remember when Britain was still part of the EU? I still remember it like it was yesterday."
#122
"British people be like munday, chewsday, wensday, thuhsday, FROIday, sa-a-day, sunday."
#123
""Fank yew" - any British person ever."
Rabbit Carrot 3 years ago
And maybe Kevin the Teenager’s mate Perry. “Fank Yew Mrs Pattinson”
Load More Replies... #126
"Why does the sun never set on the British Empire? Because god doesn't trust the English in the dark."
#127
A man told his wife from Brighton, "You really Brighton up my life".
What do you think ?
Nathaniel 3 years ago
There might be a couple of genuine odd jokes in this lot, otherwise it is a painful list of unfunny. Half of this stuff does not even make sense. If you want some good jokes about British people ask us British people and we will provide, we do not mind a good joke or a funny insult, it is our culture, this is just a lazy list of jokes based on what "British" people sound like in bad Hollywood films.
N Gregory 3 years ago
I've worked out the accent entries - they're using a definition of British that's referring to the five mile radius surrounding Watford.
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
No, wrong side of London. It would be surrounding Dagenham.
Load More Replies... RoseTheMad 3 years ago
Whoever made this be like: "England = London lol" and clearly has never met any actual British people. There's some good stuff here but most of it is just painfully unfunny. Like, honestly just cringeworthy and lazily made.
Rabbit Carrot 3 years ago
What the f**k is this thread? Us Brits do have a sense of humour, we’re renowned for our sarcasm and irony, but these jokes are pure garbage and unfunny. Do better.
Dead Died Death 3 years ago
I gave up, most made no sense regardless of being unfunny, it's like someone let toddlers try to make up jokes.
Nathaniel 3 years ago
There might be a couple of genuine odd jokes in this lot, otherwise it is a painful list of unfunny. Half of this stuff does not even make sense. If you want some good jokes about British people ask us British people and we will provide, we do not mind a good joke or a funny insult, it is our culture, this is just a lazy list of jokes based on what "British" people sound like in bad Hollywood films.
N Gregory 3 years ago
I've worked out the accent entries - they're using a definition of British that's referring to the five mile radius surrounding Watford.
Al B. Wright 3 years ago
No, wrong side of London. It would be surrounding Dagenham.
Load More Replies... RoseTheMad 3 years ago
Whoever made this be like: "England = London lol" and clearly has never met any actual British people. There's some good stuff here but most of it is just painfully unfunny. Like, honestly just cringeworthy and lazily made.
Rabbit Carrot 3 years ago
What the f**k is this thread? Us Brits do have a sense of humour, we’re renowned for our sarcasm and irony, but these jokes are pure garbage and unfunny. Do better.
Dead Died Death 3 years ago
I gave up, most made no sense regardless of being unfunny, it's like someone let toddlers try to make up jokes.
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