Having a good comeback to anything is a skill that doesn’t come easy to some people. At least to me anyway. Sometimes I wish a spider would bite me, and I would magically turn into a master of quick and witty remarks. Which, let’s be honest, would probably up my quality of life only slightly.
However, some folks are naturally born this way. Luckily for us, they occasionally put their superpowers to noble use by shutting down online absurdity. Today, we have an impressive collection of some of the best savage comebacks that might inspire you to sharpen your wits and get your keyboard ready to fight some internet trolls.
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Shots Fired, Two Men Down
Find A Different Career
Deutscher Patriotismus vs. American Patriotism
If you ever suffered from “l’esprit de l’escalier” or "the wit of the staircase," that is, thinking of a comeback once you’ve reached the stairwell of your home, don’t worry; experts have several tips that can help with that.
They emphasize that in order to have a witty answer, timing is everything. This means that your remark should be as fast as the words that took you by surprise. The key to doing that is honing your listening skills so that you can essentially respond at lightning speed.
Just Try Not Being Straight For Awhile
I adore Amy. When that article popped up, I became an everyday reader. Also reading some of those makes my eff-ed life feel a whole lot more normal 😂
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but she has a busy life! If you have a busy life, you have a calendar, a$$hole
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'forgetting his birthday for the past three years': way to go mum, you are the mother of the century even without all the homophobic drivel.
If homosexuality is a choice then so is heterosexuality. If you choose to be heterosexual then that's kind of gay. An American comedian said this, and said it better, cannot remember his name. Credits to him, anyone know his name?
Legit. I had that argument with my mom a couple of decades ago. She said something about "People who decide that they are homosexual," to which I instantly responded with "Oh? And when did you decide that you were heterosexual?" Blew my mom's mind, she laughed and said she never thought of it that way before. Mom was never big with the logic.
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It's always about what the neighbors will think. If you truly believed that your child was going to Hell for the "sin" of homosexuality, you would be tearing your hair out in grief. But that's not really what you're worried about at all.
And we want those brown eyes of yours to be blue by next week at the latest!
Load More Replies... My mother made it very clear that being gay would not make her love me a bit less. I happened to turn out straight, but it was still nice to know, mom.
oh definitely a good way to get back back your mum for forgetting your birthday right he sure showed her
I had this argument with a family member about being transgender. Trans folk have a much greater risk of being victims of assault, higher rates of unemployment and discrimination, a much higher incidence of mental health issues and a higher rate of suicide than cis (partly because its hard to find healthcare for transitioning). So why would you "decide" to be trans-family member thinks its just a phase and attention seeking. Why would you put yourself through all that? You don't opt for seriously invasive surgery just because you're a bit bored and want to see what it's like being a woman for a while.
The only choice people make about their sexuality is whether to be open about it or not. We still have a long way to go. But I am glad my girls are growing up in a world where they can be open without as much scrutiny than when I grew up. As children grow up and start to learn about their sexuality, they aren't choosing. They are just trying to understand.
The way I put it to homophobes who think it’s a choice to be gay is ask this question… what man on this earth do you think you would look at and say “yeah I think I’ll be gay now for him” they always say there is not a man on earth they would be gay for. Exactly! Because it’s not something you just turn off and on!
This is the most brilliant response I have ever hears. My sincere compliments.
As someone who grew up in the 80s and 90s, If I could have chosen to be hetero and cis, I would have chosen that in a heartbeat. Getting to the "I'm who I am and if you have a problem, well that's on you" took decades. And I'm afraid what the future holds, because of the very successful troll campaign from mos cow
People who believe that being part of the LFBT+ community is a choice, should be put on a rocket, and sent to the sun! Idiots!
ok, not related to lgbt, but what you said reminded me of a meme that my mom showed me for autism awareness month. i put it here because i love it images-4-6...5004d.jpeg 
wait, just a little confused, i thought a persons sexuality wasnt a choice? but like a feeling? because, like, people dont choose to be homosexual or trans, just like how others dont choose to be hetrosexual and cis, right? was just wondering
It's not a choice. The response was using the 'betrayed' persons logic (really, lack thereof, but it was the foundation of their argument) against them. "He will not stop being gay." infers it is a choice the son is making, so Amy advised the writer to stop being heterosexual since they view sexuality as a choice. Sorry if I rambled, or confused you more, but I really hope I helped lol.
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I love Amy Dickinson . Her advice is usually (I'd like to say 'always', but that's probably unrealistic) spot on.
Being as this is an advice column from a newspaper I’m curious how old this is.
A very brief Google search shows it on the Washington Post website in 2013! I didn’t look much further than that but I believe Ask Amy is a WP column :)
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So, you're saying you had the choice to be gay or straight, and you purposefully chose not to present yourself as gay? Sounds pretty gay to me......
In reality, all deviances from the (natural) norm, have a mental cause and as a society it is high time that we start addressing the possible (silent-unaware) trauma. There is one thing that I found to be a common factor with sexually deviant people and that is that they generally lack the feeling of being loved for who they are. This feeling could have originated before birth since the unborn child who has a subconscious mind that registers all its experiences and registers what it feels. And it feels what its environment feels. It's high time that we, as a society, begin evaluating the influence of things on the subconscious mind and not the conscious mind. A thought can be easily changed, but an imprint, not so much.
This is not an expression of anti LGBTQ. Everyone can be who they want to be, as long as the effects of that remain in private circle and are legal/ethical. I want everyone to be happy and to achieve that it is important that we learn to be happy as we are. That is a very valuable lesson and would go much further than caving in to what imo is a temporary phase until the underlying trauma is healed.
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‘He will not stop being gay’ ‘-feeling betrayed’ just find him a good little lady and he’ll be cured! Unless, if you’re really unlucky, he becomes bi! *screaming*/s
Love that answer but o also feel like the original comment was probably joking. Or just really really stupid
That is Not a Christian and they're not a nice person especially as having missed his birthday since he was about 14... 😒
And yet, way down at the bottom of this post is a self-professed christian who says homosexuality is a sin, and that Jesus can cure it. This is how so many people see christians, because this is how so many of them act.
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It's Never Just About A Cake
What's done in the name of Christianity by people calling themselves Christian is truly heartbreaking
Luckily, people tend to think faster than others speak, giving the hearer additional time to come up with a reply, even though they might look as if they are still listening. This is especially handy when a conversation turns sour and someone needs to defend themselves.
Such a skill can definitely be improved with practice. One strategy for better listening skills is playing a game of one-word volleyball, where two people are telling a story by quickly taking turns and adding words to what the other said before them. The simple exercise forces players to be less focused on what they are going to say and instead helps them listen and respond to others spontaneously.
Sarah Has Been Reported Dead
I'm Gonna Take The Surgeon's Side On This One
Now Sit Down, Stefan
Belina Raffy, the CEO of Maffick, who often uses improv skills in business, adds that not overthinking the situation is key. “You’re taking yourself out of unfolding reality if you think too much,” she told Mental Floss. It’s important to be in the moment and to deliver an answer that is relevant in the instant. After all, a comeback that is off-topic most likely won’t be effective or amusing.
"Educate Your Self"
Who Doesn't Love Irony?
and then they do terrorist attacks yelling " in the name of nooothiiiing "
Yes, The Answer Is Yes
The guy with the turban is most likely Sikh, not Muslim. He’s also sick of your c**p.
In addition, if you find yourself thinking about the reply too much, chances are you may end up saying nothing at all. Meanwhile, putting too much pressure on yourself can make your mind go blank, similar to a fight-or-flight situation. In a quick and witty comeback, this is the opposite effect you want to achieve, so try not to take it so seriously and just let your personality shine through.
Disabled Parking Should Only Be Valid During Business Hours 9 To 5
This Belongs Here
That Backfired
Something else that might help with quick-wittedness is expanding your knowledge, whether that’s learning new things or techniques from your comedy heroes. For this, you may want to watch some comedy specials or your favorite sitcoms. It’s not necessarily about memorizing certain lines or imitating them, but picking up certain subtleties like amusing observations or timing.
Due For Some Good Luck Eventually
Women Aren't People, Apparently
Love Andy Murray. Always leading the charge for women. Great guy.
The Fact That He Never Removed The Post Surprises Me
Even if you wish to pass certain comebacks as your own, there’s no shame in doing that. Winston Churchill, who was famous for them, has borrowed a lot of them. One of his well-known lines was in response to politician Bessie Braddock’s remark, “Sir, you are drunk.” The PM replied, “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning, and you will still be ugly.”
On A Comment Thread About UPS And USPS Workers
Well, When You Put It That Way
Cut The S**t Lady. You Chose The Bathroom
This iconic phrase was copied from American actor and comedian W.C. Fields. Despite this, it took quick thinking to recall and adapt the quote in the moment, which is why Churchill was considered a master of timing. “It was an off-the-cuff recall of something he had synthesized, composed earlier, and that he was waiting to perform,” Tim Riley, director and chief curator at the National Churchill Museum, said.
I Proudly Served In The Gay Wars Of '07
You Dense Mother ---!
Columbus Day
Lastly, as with any skill, practice is what makes one improve. For a quick-wit exercise, Hack Spirit recommends trying to make a mental note of something you’ve heard a person say during the day. Then set a timer for 5 minutes and try to come up with as many witty things as you can during that time. Some of them might not be that good yet, and that’s totally fine. The activity is all about training your brain, and over time, you will get better.
This Guy Wants All The Cake
Your Bigotry Is Showing
This is exactly what most sane people want. People with different cultures, beliefs, sexual preferences, styles etc etc, getting along and don't fight. Respect, understanding and honor are rare, but hopefully it will be common in the future.
Apparently, It's Impossible For Women To Be Smart And Beautiful At The Same Time
In The Interests Of Public Safety
This always astonishes me (sorry for my English) I mean boys also have shoulders??? But if they show them nothing happens
M*rdered By Kindness
My Christian granny read the koran because according to her, she wanted to know how others interpreted it
If He Were Here He'd Consume These Morons With Fireballs From His Eyes And Bolts Of Lightning From His Arse
The Best Putdowns Come From The Truth
Dammit George!
Pride month, lots of colours all over the place, crazy decorations, weird and wonderful people coming out and enjoying themselves, what's not to like?
Grandmothers Are Overrated
$10 To Clean The Bathroom?!
The Media Makes It To Be A Feel Good Story Over A Dystopian Nightmare
That’s A Stupid Reason To Ban Transgender People
mmmmhhhh, nice d**k, can I ..... yeah we're surrounded you're right, i forgot
See Ya, Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya
We have more guns in private ownership than at any time in our history. We only restrict what type of guns people can have, have strong requirements for how those guns are stored, and don't allow people who can't pass a background and psychological check to own them. We also don't fetishise guns. They're a tool for doing a thing, nothing more.
Waddaya Say, Then?
Room Temperature Iq Is My New Favourite Insult
Yellow Tape Around Her Body It's A Homicide
failure of obamacare ? where ? when ? you mean the fakenews from kolonel Von Shitzpantz before killing it
Anti Vaxxer Pretends To Be Educated
How the f**k do vaccines *weaken* your immune system??? That's like the exact opposite of how they actually do work. Huh?????????
I Love It
The only place I expect a doctor to be a medical doctor and anyone else to say they're not a medical doctor is in a f*****g hospital.
Pray Away The Gay
I went to a conversion camp when I was 19! It was a load of b******t but on the upside, I slept with half a dozen men which was great fun. I'm still gay by the way, it had the opposite outcome they were wanting.
I Love Arnold's Wholesome M*rders
Mmm Spicy
Pot, Meet Kettle
Bit Of A Stretch
Girls Have Ankles Too
Don't B Confused
Homeless charities supply phones to people, because they understand (unlike fückwit above) that it's barely possible to survive without a phone these days if you have a home, impossible if you don't.
Tomi Lahren
Note: this post originally had 66 images. It’s been shortened to the top 50 images based on user votes.
This whole list has been on BP before. Fortunately most are still amusing
Stop blanking out the names of these dolts! We have a RIGHT to know who they are so we can celebrate them for the forward thinking individuals they truly are, lol.
Earlier, the mentally deranged and challenged were put in homes and watched over carefully by competent personell. Now they have their own country with unlimited guns and d***s and unchecked global power.
it doesn't matter some of these have been posted here in various lists - most of them are universal enough to grant the topic a forever pinned status with new ones added (eg in the comments or new instalments)
I’m so tired of reading hate against the United States. Not because I disagree but because I’ve always agreed, never been patriotic, but it just breaks my heart that this country gets so so much wrong and I watch my loved ones have to suffer by its poor management. And the hating on Americans is so unhelpful. I get that there’s a loud minority that are incredibly obnoxious and inspire vitriol. But most of us are not like that and suffer under our government. Why hate on us when there’s little we can do? And to say look who we elected? We literally didn’t. The popular vote was not for Trump, but our messed up electoral system still put him in office.
This article isn't about the US, it just contains a lot of American extremists who have been given power by the messed up system that elected Trump. I upvoted you because your statement doesn't say anything offensive and doesn't deserve that downvote.
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This whole list has been on BP before. Fortunately most are still amusing
Stop blanking out the names of these dolts! We have a RIGHT to know who they are so we can celebrate them for the forward thinking individuals they truly are, lol.
Earlier, the mentally deranged and challenged were put in homes and watched over carefully by competent personell. Now they have their own country with unlimited guns and d***s and unchecked global power.
it doesn't matter some of these have been posted here in various lists - most of them are universal enough to grant the topic a forever pinned status with new ones added (eg in the comments or new instalments)
I’m so tired of reading hate against the United States. Not because I disagree but because I’ve always agreed, never been patriotic, but it just breaks my heart that this country gets so so much wrong and I watch my loved ones have to suffer by its poor management. And the hating on Americans is so unhelpful. I get that there’s a loud minority that are incredibly obnoxious and inspire vitriol. But most of us are not like that and suffer under our government. Why hate on us when there’s little we can do? And to say look who we elected? We literally didn’t. The popular vote was not for Trump, but our messed up electoral system still put him in office.
This article isn't about the US, it just contains a lot of American extremists who have been given power by the messed up system that elected Trump. I upvoted you because your statement doesn't say anything offensive and doesn't deserve that downvote.
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