People Are Calling Out Toxic Parenting Tactics That Are Still Often Viewed As “Normal” (30 Answers)

Respect is not learned by being told to "behave" but by being given respect. From day one on.

Yes! This!

This is my uncle in a nutshell.

I am sure I have as many parental failings as anyone else (possibly more) but I've never understood this one, even if a parent does stick to not being angry. I've always said to my kids that if they've wronged someone, by accident or on purpose, then that person has a right to be angry. Of course they also have a responsibility about how they behave, just because you let someone down or scratched their car or whatever doesn't mean they can now hit you or pour personal insults on you. But yes, they have a right to express how they feel and you have to accept that. It doesn't mean you're less of a person, it means you're taking it on the chin as you should. I then talk about how these things will come out somehow and that person will always end up angry at some point, and it's a million times better to be upfront and in control and deal with it as soon as possible, than for them to find out you've lied and hidden it from then. Boy, then they're really going to be furious.

Failure is a great teacher. Frankly so is pain. To a point, if you don’t let them fail, they will freak out when they do, and they will.

OH MY GOD THANK YOU

It's one thing to put a kid in someone else's shoes to show them shaming someone for being different isn't cool. But what this one means is it's toxic to actually cause traumatic humiliation and embarrassment for something like soiling the bed at night, or publicly shaming them just because they did something wrong at home.

It will also lead to children learning very quick how to hide stuff and lie.

EXACTLY. I remember being hit by a boy in kindergarten, and the teacher told him he couldn't hit me because I was a girl. I was FURIOUS. 'I've got a right to be hit! I WANT TO BE HIT!' Long story short, my parents got called in along with the parents of the boy and there was a whole thing about it.

"Stop f*****g crying or I will slap you" one or my dads greatest hits

That said, you have to allow that parents do know their children and they do know when a child 'isn't hungry' because they have a standard main course and can't be bothered, but half an hour later are going to be whining in the kitchen because they're hungry and can they just have some biscuits or crisps. There's a balancing act, this is why parenting is harding than it looks on the surface.

My mom wasn't like this but my step-mom was. She would just harp on us if we didn't finish the heaps of food she shoveled on our plates then wouldn't shut up if I couldn't eat anymore. I hate her so much.

Or forcing kids to eat things they clearly don't like, when they are old enough to articulate the dislike of certain things.

My parents tried to do that. Worked very well. Had Anorexia and bulimia since I was 15 years old ( now it's under control, but I still hate being pressured to eat something I disgust).

This is something we have had to learn, knowing when my son is actually full as opposed to him saying he is full because he wants to play on the iPad instead.

Also forcing a child to eat something on their plate that they don’t like. My babysitter would not let us leave the table unless we ate all our food. Guess what, zucchini didn’t agree with us and we all gagged it back up. Guess who spent a good part of thirty minutes, until our dad saved us by picking us up to go home, trying to swallow gagged/thrown up zucchini while crying. My siblings and I and her 4 autistic kids.

yes! If they are hungry they will eat. Listen to them!

My friend had horrendous eatung habits because her dad did this to her. He used to force her to eat food until she was physically sick. For years she only ever ate plain foods.

Yup, our kid has always been told "don't feel you have to eat it all if you're full".

As a parent, you have to know when your kids really aren't hungry or when they just don't want to eat what you put in front of them. Best option is to include your kids, if they're old enough, in your meal planning to minimize that issue. I came to know what my kids really didn't like and on those nights that I cooked that, I would let them make themselves something else.

Thanks to this, I've got eating troubles now. I can't eat at the dinner table because I get panicked and feel trapped. I've got nightmares of being forced to eat until I throw up.

Well it depends on how much they have like a pictures of a couple bites that’s a bit unreasonable.

The best reason I ever heard for not doing this is, "If you don't let your daughter say no to peas, how will she say no to a penis?"

Amen

I was 10 and my mom was a cook, so she often made huge, high calorie meals. I was forced to eat everything on my plate, which was quite a lot. I was younger and had a faster metabolism so I didn't get fat, but I got sick cause of it a lot. Not only that, but my mom is overweight and constantly says how being fat makes her ugly. She would compliment my skinny body a lot, saying I was perfect. Flash forward-- I'm now 15. My body now got used to consuming meals the size of a person everyday. My body can't function without it, but my metabolism isn't fast anymore. I forced myself not to eat and my mom started complimenting how my body now had curves. No, that's my hip bones poking out because of how skinny my belly is.

Parents put adult sized portions on the plate and then expect the child to adult portions. This does not allow the child to eat to full and then stop.

Yup. THIS is how you make FAT KIDS.

My father was very controlling and abusive, especially when it came to food and dinner time. Shaming children about what they eat and tormenting them over it, doesn't help anyone. In addition to a possible eating disorder, it can damage your relationship with your child for many years to come. My mother was pretty good with dealing with us not wanting to eat everything: She didn't get mad or yell or punish us, she just had a rule that if we didn't want dinner and we were hungry later, we could have some fresh fruit or make ourselves a PB&J sandwich. The option never included unhealthy snacks, so couldn't just skip veggies and eat junk food (as various folks have suggested). The other thing about how you approach it depends on the age of the child when the issue comes up. They may have a valid reason (such as digestive issues with certain foods--we found out years later that a couple of us were lactose intolerant). It shouldn't become a power struggle with an a, that doesn't nourish anyone. Besides, there were lots of (healthy) foods we loved that my father wouldn't eat, but as he was "the grown-up" he said he could do what he wanted.

You also have to teach them not to waist. It's a balance.

My youngest son says it all the time because he wants to go play instead of eat his fill, then come back to me an hour later saying he's "hungry again". We used to tell him he had to stay at the table until everyone was done, but he'd just sit there an not eat. Now we tell him dinner is dinner and there are no meals after that. Just started it, but we only had to tell him "sorry you already had dinner" the first night.

Yes indeed! And my folks had no idea how small a child's stomach is. It took me hours after they'd left the table to finish what they put on my plate. When I grew up it was decades before I could enjoy eating at a table. But I loved snacks. You can _stop_ eating snacks.

I always took my own food so I knew how much I needed. I was also always forced to eat the veggies I didn't like, no excuses.

Unfortunately, when parents do this, food becomes a weapon. And the child is the one in control. The proper response, when a child refuses to eat is, "OK." And that's it. No dessert, no snacks, just the next meal. And do not "save the food" to make them eat it again. Just ignore it. Do NOT turn it into a control thing. Let them know that there are mealtimes and they do not set the schedule.

I have an acquaintance whose son's answer to being told "no" is "I love you", like that should change the answer to yes.

I refused to be like my brother in school simply for that reason. My parents always used that line on me and I HATED it. Not just because my brother was a huge d**k head and a bully.

Isn’t it crazy how some parents have this mentality? It never even crossed my mind when I had my kids, did everything I was supposed to do, especially the essentials.

Yes! My parents always yell at me together. It's a team job. But it does have the effect of alienating neither of them. And I get my own back when it's my turn to lay the table--I give them sporks instead of forks.

I was chastised because I was teaching my younger brother how to wash clothes and prepare meals after our mom died. He was only twelve, but I was ten years older. I felt like he deserved a boost to be able to fend for himself and clean up after himself.

There is a small step before explaining EVERYTHING about your decisions - sometimes you have to make a decision because otherwise your electricity will be cut off, and telling the truth will unnecessarily cause your child to worry about the household finances when they are much too young to grasp every nuance or be able to do a damn thing about it and becomes one of those people who watches every single penny well into adulthood even though they have a good job and a comfortable life. Sometimes "because" is the right answer to protect a child.

wait what do people even do this??? I was only told to change if I was in PJ's!

Happened in another way to my brother and me too. We inherited from an aunt each 2000 €. Parents never gave even a cent and spent all on debts them had run up. My brother was 15, I was 18.

If a kid doesn't want to hugged by someone they should be able to say "No thank you, I don't want to hug." And the adults can deal with their own offence/embarassment/ discomfort/ rejection. The burden of managing the feelings and reactions of adults should not be placed on the shoulders of a socially anxious ten year old.

My son used to throw huge tantrums when he was little. I always did the same thing: looked into his eyes, told him I loved him very much, stand next to him and let him cry. I never caved. I never yelled at him. I just let him have his feelings and when he was done, we'd do whatever it was we were doing. Worked like a charm.

The worst thing of this type is probably mocking a kid for being forgetful. It's not like someone deliberately chooses to forget things, it's usually beyond our control. Mockery just makes it worse.

THIS. Mental illnesses aren't just 'being sad' and 'being happy' isn't some kind of internal switch you can flick. See a therapist who knows what they're doing and take their advice. Also, eat chocolate. It encourages the production of endorphins. Also chocolate.

You mean like telling them that people working in the fastfood industry do not deserve to earn a livable wage and they are some sort of lower species that doesn't deserve any respect at all.

This should be higher.

Another side to it: the older sibling by 7 years gets her first record player. 5 year old sister gets exact same record player because "you have to be fair".

I feel this. One of my friends has severe depression and at one point she and I were travelling on a bus together. She was crying over her phone because her teacher had given her back an assignment she spent ages on and she'd got a terrible grade. I was comforting her, and this old guy yelled at us 'I don't believe your generation! No one here cares if you broke up with your boyfriend! Quit inflicting your noise on the rest of us!' So I yelled back at him, which only made my friend cry harder. We got off the bus a stop early and walked the rest of the way home.

Downplaying issues and treating them as just a "phase" - oh, what could possibly go wrong?