People Are Calling Out Toxic Parenting Tactics That Are Still Often Viewed As “Normal” (30 Answers)
Parents like to say that they know what’s best for their child. And who are we to argue? But in some cases, common parenting tactics, even if meant for the best interest of a child, can do more harm than good.
So recently, a thread on r/AskReddit got people weighing in on “normal” parenting tactics that shouldn't be considered normal. Even though discussing parenting with others always verges on the thin line of getting into an argument, some of the responses are truly thoughtful. Think of being protective and overprotective, or comparing a child to their siblings; how much of it is actually toxic?
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Refusing to apologize when you’re wrong.
Apologize to your children when you're wrong. Admit you don't know something when asked. Change your mind when your child gives you a valid reason. I grew up in an authoritarian household. ... It only teaches kids they have no voice.
Saying that a kid has a boyfriend/girlfriend any time they are close friends with a child who isn't the same gender. On top of reinforcing the idea that boys and girls can't ever be strictly platonic friends, it's so creepy to project adult ideas of romantic relationships onto kids who are practically still toddlers.
Telling your kids your personal problems. Like, 'Your dad is horrible; he didn’t even do the dishes. I hate my marriage.' Your kids are not your therapist. Also, they can’t do anything to solve your problem. Instead, address your issues with your spouse and a therapist.
'You can tell me, and I won't be mad' followed by punishing them for whatever they admit. Then they wonder why their kids never talk to them.
I am sure I have as many parental failings as anyone else (possibly more) but I've never understood this one, even if a parent does stick to not being angry. I've always said to my kids that if they've wronged someone, by accident or on purpose, then that person has a right to be angry. Of course they also have a responsibility about how they behave, just because you let someone down or scratched their car or whatever doesn't mean they can now hit you or pour personal insults on you. But yes, they have a right to express how they feel and you have to accept that. It doesn't mean you're less of a person, it means you're taking it on the chin as you should. I then talk about how these things will come out somehow and that person will always end up angry at some point, and it's a million times better to be upfront and in control and deal with it as soon as possible, than for them to find out you've lied and hidden it from then. Boy, then they're really going to be furious.
Being overly protective. If you don't let your kids fail or protect them too much, they'll be less capable of doing so once they've left home. Failure is good; just provide a safety net.
Failure is a great teacher. Frankly so is pain. To a point, if you don’t let them fail, they will freak out when they do, and they will.
Getting mad for 'disrespect' or 'talking back' when their kids win an argument.
Using humiliation and embarrassment as a punishment.
It's one thing to put a kid in someone else's shoes to show them shaming someone for being different isn't cool. But what this one means is it's toxic to actually cause traumatic humiliation and embarrassment for something like soiling the bed at night, or publicly shaming them just because they did something wrong at home.
Taking away their privacy. Unless your kid has a serious drug or self-harm problem, violating their privacy will almost certainly do more harm than good to their mental health, trust, and their relationship to you. It doesn't matter if it's installing spyware on their phones, tracking their movements, or taking away their bedroom door.
Telling little boys that they cant defend themselves against a girl who is hitting them just because theyre a girl. Thats bs, i was taught to fight back no matter who attacks you. Theres no gender in mutual combat.
EXACTLY. I remember being hit by a boy in kindergarten, and the teacher told him he couldn't hit me because I was a girl. I was FURIOUS. 'I've got a right to be hit! I WANT TO BE HIT!' Long story short, my parents got called in along with the parents of the boy and there was a whole thing about it.
Invalidating their kids' emotions, be it ignoring or shutting them down.
"Stop f*****g crying or I will slap you" one or my dads greatest hits
Making a child eat everything on their plate if they say they aren't hungry anymore. Do you want you kid to have an eating disorder? No, then don't because that's how you can cause one.
That said, you have to allow that parents do know their children and they do know when a child 'isn't hungry' because they have a standard main course and can't be bothered, but half an hour later are going to be whining in the kitchen because they're hungry and can they just have some biscuits or crisps. There's a balancing act, this is why parenting is harding than it looks on the surface.
Forced affection.
This is controversial (especially here in America) but I feel like we say “I love you” way too much to the point it loses its meaning. My dad (who was extremely emotionally abusive) used to force me to say the words “I love you daddy” to him, in private and in front of other people. By nature I have never been an affectionate person, especially in front of others. I don’t like to hug and kiss a lot.
I also don’t believe in making children hug people. If the child wants to hug them, they will. It shouldn’t be forced.
I have an acquaintance whose son's answer to being told "no" is "I love you", like that should change the answer to yes.
Comparing them to their siblings. The good old, 'Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?' does nothing for their self-esteem and really can keep them from becoming their own person. That's all they should be anyway — themselves, not their siblings.
I refused to be like my brother in school simply for that reason. My parents always used that line on me and I HATED it. Not just because my brother was a huge d**k head and a bully.
The old “as long as I’m feeding you, clothing you, you’ll do what i say!” Or the “just be grateful i put a roof over your head”.
Specially If your parents constantly use that sentence to boss you around, disregard your opinions and wants, and belittle you. You didn’t asked to be born. And it’s their obligation to take care of you, not something they should loom over your head as leverage.
Isn’t it crazy how some parents have this mentality? It never even crossed my mind when I had my kids, did everything I was supposed to do, especially the essentials.
I’m not sure if this is “normal” or just something I see online.. but mums pulling the “just wait till dad gets home” card. Why would you want your kids to be afraid of their dad? And why should the dad have to play bad cop all the time? The last thing I want is my partner coming home from work and yelling at the kids for me.
Yes! My parents always yell at me together. It's a team job. But it does have the effect of alienating neither of them. And I get my own back when it's my turn to lay the table--I give them sporks instead of forks.
Overly accommodating and praising children.
My sister always excelled in academics and was also an accomplished pianist in high school. My parents didn’t make her do any of the chores I had to in order to 'preserve her hands for piano.' Her excellence at school, in clubs, and with piano also kind of led to her being constantly praised by people around her. Now, in her mid-twenties, she lacks basic life skills (cooking, cleaning, and even self-cleaning) and is unable to take any criticism, no matter how small.
I was chastised because I was teaching my younger brother how to wash clothes and prepare meals after our mom died. He was only twelve, but I was ten years older. I felt like he deserved a boost to be able to fend for himself and clean up after himself.
Not explaining their decisions. Like, 'You have to do this because I'm your mom/dad, and I say so. End of discussion!' Instead, you can bring your kids on board with sooo many of the decisions you make for them if you take the time to explain your reasoning to them. Kids understand more than a lot of parents think — just give them a chance.
There is a small step before explaining EVERYTHING about your decisions - sometimes you have to make a decision because otherwise your electricity will be cut off, and telling the truth will unnecessarily cause your child to worry about the household finances when they are much too young to grasp every nuance or be able to do a damn thing about it and becomes one of those people who watches every single penny well into adulthood even though they have a good job and a comfortable life. Sometimes "because" is the right answer to protect a child.
Making your female children change clothes when male family members come over.
wait what do people even do this??? I was only told to change if I was in PJ's!
Taking away things that the child has earned for themselves. If your kid is old enough to work and use that money to purchase something for themselves than it's thiers and you have no right to take it. I don't care if it's a car or a playstation 5.
Same thing with the money itself. Just because your kid is old enough to work and bring home a paycheck doesn't mean you're entitled to that money. I personally had to open up a brand new bank account the day I turned 18 because my mother helped herself to over $700 of my money. When I confronted her she basically told me "[screw] you I'm the adult on the account so it's my money too!"
Happened in another way to my brother and me too. We inherited from an aunt each 2000 €. Parents never gave even a cent and spent all on debts them had run up. My brother was 15, I was 18.
My dad something similar. My sister and I didn't even know our favorite aunt (and my godmother) had left us anything in her will until one of my cousins (her son) mentioned it to me years later. Dad said he'd "invest it for us." We were in our 30s.
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I agree with the money part, but objects, no. My son bought his own playstation but if he's abusing his privilege and staying up past midnight playing games and failing at school, damn straight I'm taking the system until his grades improve. That being said he has a job, am I going to dip into his account? Absolutely not. That's ridiculous. Will I occasionally ask him for 5 bucks in between paydays so I can get something on the go on a day I forgot lunch at work? Yes, and then I usually give him 10 on payday just to show him I'm good on my word and I appreciate him.
Sorry, but if things (like grades) are slipping, that PS5 is mine until things improve. I couldn’t possibly care less about who bought it. That’s not abuse, that’s setting boundaries.
I won't take the PS5, but your electricity, internet, and probably most of your games all came from my pocket. The TV as well.
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Oh yeah... this was a huge issue for me as a young teen for different reasons. I was more into the metal scene, and loved odd jewelry and accessory, so I would occasionally buy some. But all of them would disappear. My mom didn't approve of my style so she took those things and would throw them away in secret. =(
If it is money the child has earned themselves or it left to them by another, it is THEIR money. If you did things right, they will know not to waste it and may actually save it.
when my dad collected 600$ for my prom (from him and his side of the family cuz they didn't have a lot) and gave them to me, my mother told me to give them to her so she could "keep them for me", i did that, and later for reasons decided i wouldn't go to prom so i asked her to give me the money back at least and she said " on what account? i've paid everything for you so those money have gone back to you in advance." so yea :) not only did i not get money for graduating from her, but she also took the ones my dad gave me. she did send me 300$ a month while i studied in uni ( which was rarely enough but it was to pressure me to start working while studying 6-1 ) so she kept the money from the graduation to "support me with". as if a 18 year old girl who had to move to another city and had a broken phone and proken laptop that she had to study with wouldn't have a use for 600$
Yeah when I was younger and played soccer very heavily creating me to be pretty good at it. I was having a hard time expressing myself to my parents and they threatened to take away my soccer. Which at the time was really my only way of getting out of the house besides school. And I had worked for more than 6 years on becoming one of the top soccer players for my age and region.
Us as parents do what we think is the best to protect our children and we learn everyday, from the child and life ,that being said , if me as a parent see the actions or path taken to be of harm and self destructive nature INHERITANCE OR NOT IT WILL BE GONE, I will not enable due to a clause or circumstances allowing my child some one i swore to do what's best by is going to hate me and jump on Reddit whining how his selfish parents took the money and spent all of it ..... Where's there rest of the story.... If your parents took it , I guarantee you know why and that leads me to Self Integrity , the ability to tell the truth to yourself and be honest with your actions If this was these generations strength wow , but no this is a value less taught and even less known.
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Unless they are buying drugs or something, then you can take them away.
I agree of course. If it's hurting them or someone else, take it away. But otherwise, take away something you are paying for/have paid for, or something that they need for the thing they bought, like an internet connection. Not the thing that the kid paid for. It's theirs.
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This has perplexed me my whole life when my friends would tell me this happened. How dehumanizing. Earning a paycheck is such a monumental feeling of pride for a kid. That feeling contributes to a lifetime of ambition and self-sufficiency. Don't take that away.
I had to tell my mum that 'if I earned the money on my own I can use it on whatever I want' a lot... Our neighbour had a lemon tree and gave us lots of free lemons, so my brother and I did lots of lemonade stands (made the lemonade all by ourselves) and earned maybe $3-5 each every time. Also selling our old toys we don't use anymore (given from other family members usually) during a garage sale. So I earned a bit of cash on my own (we got cash from extra chores, but I won't count that here as they didn't HAVE to pay us) But yet, I want to buy a new toy or some lollies with the money I earned? Mum says no because I don't need it. Like, bish, I earned this money all by myself. You only get to say that when I ask YOU to buy me something. You can tell me when I'm allowed to eat the lollies, but not if I can buy them.
So me and my spouse have discussed when our son gets older and gets a job, that we are going to tell him he needs to help with "rent" but really we will be putting this money into a savings account for him for when he is older and a little more responsible. That way he will learn about budgeting and will have some money to start his young adult life.
Sorry, no. There is a reason parents have control over their children's estate until the children reach the age of majority. It's a parent's responsibility to properly administer that ownership and if a child buys something that isn't good for them the parent absolutely should take that away, no matter where the money came from.
Wow. My kids will be charged a nominal rent once they start working. Enough to cover their expenses, if that, because that's how my parents did it. Taught me that accommodation isn't free. The rest of their money is THEIR MONEY. I don't want my parents touching my hard earned, why should I be allowed, or even think I'm allowed, to touch my kids' money? That's low. Like, really frikken low.
You absolutely don't help yourself to your kids (or anyone else's) money, whether it's salary or pocket money. Some people have horrendous parents. My kid has her own bank acct since age 13 and I have no access to it, cant even see the balance.
I'm sorry when it comes to a car, even if they paid for it by themselves, if they are going to be driving dangerously -- you take away those keys! A car is a weapon! Driving is a privilege NOT a right they could not only harm themselves but others. I'm not talking about just minor stuff either, I'm talking about death. Fatality! Might sound fun when its yelled after you win in mortal combat, but in real life its much less fun. Now, when it comes to money, yes anything that is gifted/inherited/earned belongs to the child. The only thing I would argue against is when say my son bought a viewing of "Raya and the Last Dragon" early, before it was a general release I made him pay $30.00 to his Uncle because he technically bought it, and it was on his Uncles account.
my step mother and my dad spend the money in my bank account when they don't have enough money to pay there bills they usually don't put it back and they have 5 kids they can do that to
I never understood the parents doing this. My parents were giving me money, even when I became an adult and my salary was higher than what they were earning together! And not taking them was not option, they were finding all the times ways to hide them (in the backpack or luggage somewhere in most unexpected places) and I was finding them when I was arriving home. They both passed away some years ago, but this still brings tears to my eyes.
Since money I earned and saved for college (uni) was accessible to my parents, I lost every penny when I was 17 to pay my dad's medical debts. Welcome to "insured health" in America.
Yes. If the money was earned/given to the child from the parent (and the child is around my age), then I can understand. But if the child earned the money elsewhere or found the money, then it's theirs! As long as they aren't buying crap through your credit card because they don't have one, I don't see how you can try to dictate everything they purchase.
Just taking money is not OK, but I see no problem in asking for a set amount of money earned if the child is over 18. I know kids who have stayed with their parents well into their twenties paying nothing while making a good salary and not even pitching in for groceries. If it is necessary, feel free to ask for rent/food money, it is still a better deal than living alone so they should be thrilled.
Id understand the parents if they were going to PAY YOU BACK but if they dont without permission or paying back its considered theft and you can sue
In California, parents have the right to have all monies their children earn until they turn 18 because all earned money is supposed to contribute to the household. My teachers made sure I learned that because it was the law.
Kids can get a paper round at 13. If they're spending that money on crack, what parent will say "ah well, they earned it themselves, so I shan't take it away"
Yes and no. Just because they paid for it doesn't mean that they get to make all the rules. You bought a car, computer, Xbox, whatever, cool. You act a fool and break rules, you pay the consequences like loosing the use of your your car or consoles. Obviously punisent must fit the crime and a pause of privilege is not the same as taking away ownership of the item
I disagree. That item they bought with their own money is theirs, just as if you bought something with your own money, no one would have the right to take it from you. However...if you pay the utilities nothing says you have to supply internet, or electricity for that matter, to their bedroom. Or keep anything in their room they didn't pay for. Take something away that's NOT theirs. There's really no logical argument they can make against that. (Won't stop the whining, but at least they won't be saying, "My dad is a thief; he stole something of mine.")
Load More Replies... The church I am a member of can only take away what it has given me. Membership in the church for example. It can not discipline me by taking away anything that it doesn't provide.
My dad would take the money from cards FOR MY COLLEGE FUND. He really meant it. DON'T SAY HE IS A BAD PARENT. I know I sound stupid rn XD But apparently a lot of people in in college debt
I don't agree with the way the mother in this post acted BUT... it costs an average of $250,000 to raise a child from birth to age 18... if the adult child is working and still living with parents - he or she should absolutely pay their fair share toward rent and groceries - as adults, they aren't entitled to anything free of charge - mom and dad stop being legally financially responsible for kids once they reach adulthood - those kids aren't going to get free rent, free food or free transportation if they weren't living with mom and dad anymore so why should the parents continue to pay for them... once you reach adulthood, your necessities in life are YOUR responsibility, not your parents.
Yup. "You're living in my house. You give me your money. You know why? You're just going to ask me for money ANYWAY when you waste yours on something stupid. Since I"m paying either way, you need to sign your paycheques to me" And hence... when... many years later... my (ever-spoiled-never-denied-anything) sibling blithely said "If you need tuition and want to get a further degree, just ask mom and dad for money". I have NEVER asked my parents for "money" (I mean, real money... not the occasional, 'do you have an extra quarter' kind of thing). The closest would be "allowance" - which was earned through chores. In fact, the thought that kids would "just get money" for doing nothing... always messed me up when I was younger... I couldn't understand it... because I wouldn't get a NICKEL unless I found it or I 'exchanged' it for... saaay... sweeping the kitchen.
try having ur parents spend ur disability money for you wen ur in ur mid 20s. i was on the verge of getting a lawyer bc they were spending it on s**t they wanted not wat i wanted or needed which is wat it is for...me not them. once i met my husband after 2 years they started to get scared started giving me some of it until eventually i had full control. my parents r good ppl they just parent wrong in alot of ways. im suprised im actually sane and have a normal life considering how i grew up. thank u grandma and grandpa for teaching me everything i needed to kno.
Forcing your children to give family members that make them uncomfortable, hugs and kisses. Additionally inviting family who actively distress your kid to your house to stay for an extended period and forcing the kid to be nice and interact.
If a kid doesn't want to hugged by someone they should be able to say "No thank you, I don't want to hug." And the adults can deal with their own offence/embarassment/ discomfort/ rejection. The burden of managing the feelings and reactions of adults should not be placed on the shoulders of a socially anxious ten year old.
Giving in when your child is being difficult. It teaches them all they have to do to get what they want is throw a fit. You're encouraging more difficult behavior.
The correct way to handle it is sit in whatever storm they whip up. Stay calm and hold the boundary.
My son used to throw huge tantrums when he was little. I always did the same thing: looked into his eyes, told him I loved him very much, stand next to him and let him cry. I never caved. I never yelled at him. I just let him have his feelings and when he was done, we'd do whatever it was we were doing. Worked like a charm.
Invalidating their emotions just bc they're children, Cruel jokes ab their physical appareance or behaviour
Saying anything along the lines of 'just be happy.' Like thanks, my depression is cured — especially since depression runs in my family on both sides.
THIS. Mental illnesses aren't just 'being sad' and 'being happy' isn't some kind of internal switch you can flick. See a therapist who knows what they're doing and take their advice. Also, eat chocolate. It encourages the production of endorphins. Also chocolate.
Gaslighting their children into believing things that are simply not true in order to defend themselves.
You mean like telling them that people working in the fastfood industry do not deserve to earn a livable wage and they are some sort of lower species that doesn't deserve any respect at all.
Being overly involved in your childs life. I'm talking about relationships. Your child should have their own relationships without the parent acting like the third wheel, and seeking validation from the friends or partner too. Being involved is a good thing, but when you are so invested in their relationships too it can be damaging to your kid and their future relationships.
Letting one sibling bully another and turning a blind eye, with the philosophy that they should work everything out for themselves. Punishing both siblings equally when one is 3 years older, much larger, much stronger, much more verbally sophisticated and adept at manipulation, and when the younger one complains, shutting them up by saying, "Well, did he put a gun to your head?"
That's how you teach a kid to be a victim.
Another side to it: the older sibling by 7 years gets her first record player. 5 year old sister gets exact same record player because "you have to be fair".
Not necessarily personal experience, but I do think it's absurd how often parents will speak of their own child as "spoiled" for having all kinds of nice possessions like video game systems, cell phones, cars, as if that wasn't entirely the parent's choice. If you don't think your kid should have those things for free, then don't buy them for the kid. Don't shower gifts on your child and then act like the child is a bad person for owning them.
People have this obnoxious reactionary/conservative tendency to speak automatically about kids as if they're brats who don't appreciate the nice things they have. People look at a place full of 13-year-olds with expensive phones in their pockets and act like it's the downfall of society. It's just assumed, based on nothing, that all those 13-year-olds must be ungrateful and entitled and believe they automatically deserve an expensive phone.
I feel this. One of my friends has severe depression and at one point she and I were travelling on a bus together. She was crying over her phone because her teacher had given her back an assignment she spent ages on and she'd got a terrible grade. I was comforting her, and this old guy yelled at us 'I don't believe your generation! No one here cares if you broke up with your boyfriend! Quit inflicting your noise on the rest of us!' So I yelled back at him, which only made my friend cry harder. We got off the bus a stop early and walked the rest of the way home.
Listening solely to other parents for advice. My mom listened to my grandmother instead of taking me to a psychiatrist. It wasn’t “a phase” it was autism and OCD. Now I’m in my 20s with trauma from the way my mental health was disregarded and autism leaving me more vulnerable to abuse. I’m left to navigate by myself.
Threatening to take away things and 50% of the time never actually doing it. Leads kids to live in a state of being unsure of what will happen. Take the thing away or don't.
ikr, like when i was a kid and my parents used to do this a lot, I just never thought of it as a punishment anymore because i knew it wouldnt happen.
Having kids before you've gone to therapy to address your own childhood trauma, as this just causes undue trauma on the kids
I have issues with my stepmother and I feel as though I would not pass that down if i had kids knowing this pain that it has caused.
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Emphasizing how big of a burden your children are, saying how much work you have to do to provide for them.
And yet you never asked for this life you have. That was their decision.
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Forcing your abusive religion on your children. No child should ever be told they're going to hell. Implying mental health issues are because of "sin". Denying mental health issues even exist and if they do then said child can't possibly have any because they're just naughty and dramatic. religion should be banned anyway.
When I was seven years old, I was told that my mother was going to Hell. (My parents have never been together, so I’m raised by both.) I can’t pull any direct quotes, but basically the gist of what they were saying was “you’ll be so happy worshipping the Lord in Heaven that you’ll forget about her.” It was either that, or that “she still has time to change.” I managed to hold it in in front of my Sunday School teacher, but that night I cried. I’ve been atheist since.
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"I spent a lot of money raising you, it's a loan and I expect to be paid back" is something I've been told growing up. We're poor, extremely poor because my father abandoned us so my mother wracked up a lot of debt to raise me but she always made sure Inknew exactly how much that debt was and how long it will take her to pay it off without my help. She would always tell me that if she dies before the debt is paid, I will still have to pay it off for her. Any extra pocket money I made as a child, I would hand it all over to her because I felt guilty for existing. I grew up feeling like she would have been happier if I was never born or if I died. At the ripe old age of 16, I started making plans and researching how to kill myself. I would submerge myself into a bathtub full of water and stay under until I started spasming from needing to breathe before surfacing. Luckily I never really went through with any of my attempts but her holding that debt over my head really did a number on my mental health
I wish you best of luck for getting past this, and to find happyness. Children owe their parents nothing – and I say that as a Father myself. What we can hope for is love – if we as parents loved unconditionally.
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This is oddly specific to me, but when dealing with grades and report cards and such, my parents would give me hell for my low math scores,and ignore any high scores I got in other classes( history, biology, science ) because " Your good at those and enjoy the subject, so they don't count." Just because I did well doesn't mean I didn't work for it. My parents tried to punish multiplication tables into me...Turns out I have a difficulty understanding math. All the spankings and groundings that I got for not reciting them on demand would have never helped.
Not specific to you. I got beat for a B in phys ed but my other marks were straight A. All it taught me was terror of the day my grades were sent to my parents.
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Teaching a child to identify with a group according to their skin color or their sexual preference rather than their unique values, dreams and loves.
"My house, my rules", punishing me for being left-handed; being taller (6ft) than an adult at 15; not being allowed to have my bedroom or bathroom door closed as a teenager; punished for things my younger siblings did because I was responsible for their behaviour, or expecting me to "set a good example" because I'm the oldest. My mom never protected me from being abused by my stepfather. Never pick anyone or anything over your kids!
Fam this is low key me now just without my step dad abusing me (and I’m a short af 13 yo)
Load More Replies... "Mommy juice" to cope with parenting. Your kids will know sooner than later their mom wasn't sober much of the time because she couldn't handle raising kids without alcohol. Saying "Don't get smart with me." Usually followed with "Smarten up!" Parents, it's okay to allow your kids to teach you something they've figured out.
Yes, this. When my son was born I promised he'd never see me drunk. And he hasn't at almost 17. He's seen his grandparents drunk though. That was fun for all of us.
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Using s**t/whore all types.of s**t shaming language towards your daughter as if you're taking about the weather. I brought you in ri this world I can take you out nonsense. Any type of narcissism or feelings of grandeur. If you're like this, just don't have kids. Ever.
To all the comments saying that these points are judge mental and you don't know what it's like...I do know what it's like. I am a parent. Have been for 18 years. No,not a perfect one. No one is perfect. I've made some mistakes and bad calls. But the points in these posts and comments go from bad all the way to physical and mental abuse. Just because that's how you were raised and you " turned out fine" doesn't mean it's ok to treat people like that. What you think is "fine" may be someone else's "mal-adjusted alcoholic with anger issues". But to the point, I am in those shoes, and I've made mistakes, but nothing as bad as a lot of these.
there are some things that need fixing in life and parenting, but I see parenting as this "if what you are doing, is the best for your child, doesn't cause mental problems, and helps your child to grow in the world, who is to say that you are a bad parent?" yes, I know my opinion will get downvotes but, sometimes you have to consider the background of some people, sometimes they are raised in a certain way, sometimes they talk advice from people but one thing is for sure, there will be bad advice but the important thing is that you can make your child feels that they are protected and loved. thanks for reading my opinion.
when you hurt or sick and they say your faking it just get attention,
Well, sometimes my son says his feet hurt to get out of soccer practise, but he's just lazy, lol. I usually let it slide.
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I hope I am not the only one that thinks majority of these seems to be written by kids or people without kids. Few are good points but most are absurd.
Don't tell them you'll give them up for adoption if they don't behave as you want them to, don't lock them into their room just because you're overwhelmed, be able to apologize, don't gaslight to hide your mistakes, don't have kids if you're unable to regulate your own emotions. Just... Don't have kids at all if you're mentally unstable, it'll only hurt them.
Gee thanx Not like my struggles with depression dont already make me feel guilty enough now I’m being told I should never have had kids as I’m just hurting them
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Parents are just people, they don't automatically gain knowledge and experience from giving birth to kids and raising them. I don't know why some moms like to say "you should have a kid yourself so you know." Well, it seems you don't either! People always make mistakes and parents do too. Also, stop glorifying parents as if they are some kind of heroes. Having a child is completely the person's own decision based on their own wants in most developed countries. I see a lot of adults with kids who can't even take care of their own problems. Ignorance is acceptable only when you are trying to learn to improve. You are responsible for someone's life and health. Take full responsibility until the kid reaches young adulthood, do the job right. If you can't, plan ahead and don't have a kid!
If only we had the energy and patience to all take heed. But eh, we parents are people too and teenagers can push you quite close to the point where the only way to get through seems to be to match their ar$ehole-ology.
That's a bad attitude to have. I know raising kids is hard and thankless but relegating it to the "it's too hard" basket and not trying to be better is not ok. None of these suggestions cost anything. Most are simple attitude shifts. If you can't refrain from being an ahole to a child with a developing brain then rethink? Yes i get you're human and not perfect and teens are a lot but we owe it to our kids to be better and at least try before getting defensive and shutting these suggestions down.
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When parents don't get their kids evaluated for autism/adhd ect because "its just a label"
‘That could have been you’ attacking your children for their choices can be very damaging to their mental health. Your kids should be allowed to make their own choices.
My favorite overheard in a restaurant ----> behave or I'll call the police and they will put you in jail...
Hello there! Sorry in advance for this rant but I do want to talk. I do feel that my parents are manipulative. I feel bad for some resentment I have and I'm not sure if it's valid. Basically, I'll just go through some things that my parents have done. They have been so strict with everything, and grades especially, I'm afraid to come home with so much as a low B. They'll be very judgemental about so many things that I'm afraid to express myself. I came out to them as bisexual, but as I've gotten older I've noticed that they're pretty homophobic, to say the least. When I told my mum she had to (and continues to) ask for confirmation that I "still like boys" and that I'm not a lesbian. As well as talking s**t about NB's and trans people. They always judge people for not being "normal". Just brushing me off whenever I question my mental health state. And recently, going off at me and calling me useless. There's more but I can't recall. I love them, but... Am I just being immature? help!
I hate it when parents said “I raised you and gave you a roof over your head so you should do this for me” like it wasn’t my choice to exist-
"I got my bottom tanned, too, when I was being unruly. Taught me respect and certainly didn't leave lasting damage". Yes, because finding it okay to be violent to a much smaller being and telling them it'll "hurt me more than you" is totally fine...
Divorced parents who let their new partner move in and expect their kids to like this person. Choosing sex over your children is ugly and selfish.
...i think this thread is kind of toxic. I imagine its harder being a parent than a high pressure job. So much judging.
No one is expecting parents to be perfect - just to think about the effect their decisions will have on their child, rather than blindly doing what they feel like.
Load More Replies... Emphasizing how big of a burden your children are, saying how much work you have to do to provide for them.
And yet you never asked for this life you have. That was their decision.
Load More Replies... Forcing your abusive religion on your children. No child should ever be told they're going to hell. Implying mental health issues are because of "sin". Denying mental health issues even exist and if they do then said child can't possibly have any because they're just naughty and dramatic. religion should be banned anyway.
When I was seven years old, I was told that my mother was going to Hell. (My parents have never been together, so I’m raised by both.) I can’t pull any direct quotes, but basically the gist of what they were saying was “you’ll be so happy worshipping the Lord in Heaven that you’ll forget about her.” It was either that, or that “she still has time to change.” I managed to hold it in in front of my Sunday School teacher, but that night I cried. I’ve been atheist since.
Load More Replies... "I spent a lot of money raising you, it's a loan and I expect to be paid back" is something I've been told growing up. We're poor, extremely poor because my father abandoned us so my mother wracked up a lot of debt to raise me but she always made sure Inknew exactly how much that debt was and how long it will take her to pay it off without my help. She would always tell me that if she dies before the debt is paid, I will still have to pay it off for her. Any extra pocket money I made as a child, I would hand it all over to her because I felt guilty for existing. I grew up feeling like she would have been happier if I was never born or if I died. At the ripe old age of 16, I started making plans and researching how to kill myself. I would submerge myself into a bathtub full of water and stay under until I started spasming from needing to breathe before surfacing. Luckily I never really went through with any of my attempts but her holding that debt over my head really did a number on my mental health
I wish you best of luck for getting past this, and to find happyness. Children owe their parents nothing – and I say that as a Father myself. What we can hope for is love – if we as parents loved unconditionally.
Load More Replies... This is oddly specific to me, but when dealing with grades and report cards and such, my parents would give me hell for my low math scores,and ignore any high scores I got in other classes( history, biology, science ) because " Your good at those and enjoy the subject, so they don't count." Just because I did well doesn't mean I didn't work for it. My parents tried to punish multiplication tables into me...Turns out I have a difficulty understanding math. All the spankings and groundings that I got for not reciting them on demand would have never helped.
Not specific to you. I got beat for a B in phys ed but my other marks were straight A. All it taught me was terror of the day my grades were sent to my parents.
Load More Replies... Teaching a child to identify with a group according to their skin color or their sexual preference rather than their unique values, dreams and loves.
"My house, my rules", punishing me for being left-handed; being taller (6ft) than an adult at 15; not being allowed to have my bedroom or bathroom door closed as a teenager; punished for things my younger siblings did because I was responsible for their behaviour, or expecting me to "set a good example" because I'm the oldest. My mom never protected me from being abused by my stepfather. Never pick anyone or anything over your kids!
Fam this is low key me now just without my step dad abusing me (and I’m a short af 13 yo)
Load More Replies... "Mommy juice" to cope with parenting. Your kids will know sooner than later their mom wasn't sober much of the time because she couldn't handle raising kids without alcohol. Saying "Don't get smart with me." Usually followed with "Smarten up!" Parents, it's okay to allow your kids to teach you something they've figured out.
Yes, this. When my son was born I promised he'd never see me drunk. And he hasn't at almost 17. He's seen his grandparents drunk though. That was fun for all of us.
Load More Replies... Using s**t/whore all types.of s**t shaming language towards your daughter as if you're taking about the weather. I brought you in ri this world I can take you out nonsense. Any type of narcissism or feelings of grandeur. If you're like this, just don't have kids. Ever.
To all the comments saying that these points are judge mental and you don't know what it's like...I do know what it's like. I am a parent. Have been for 18 years. No,not a perfect one. No one is perfect. I've made some mistakes and bad calls. But the points in these posts and comments go from bad all the way to physical and mental abuse. Just because that's how you were raised and you " turned out fine" doesn't mean it's ok to treat people like that. What you think is "fine" may be someone else's "mal-adjusted alcoholic with anger issues". But to the point, I am in those shoes, and I've made mistakes, but nothing as bad as a lot of these.
there are some things that need fixing in life and parenting, but I see parenting as this "if what you are doing, is the best for your child, doesn't cause mental problems, and helps your child to grow in the world, who is to say that you are a bad parent?" yes, I know my opinion will get downvotes but, sometimes you have to consider the background of some people, sometimes they are raised in a certain way, sometimes they talk advice from people but one thing is for sure, there will be bad advice but the important thing is that you can make your child feels that they are protected and loved. thanks for reading my opinion.
when you hurt or sick and they say your faking it just get attention,
Well, sometimes my son says his feet hurt to get out of soccer practise, but he's just lazy, lol. I usually let it slide.
Load More Replies... I hope I am not the only one that thinks majority of these seems to be written by kids or people without kids. Few are good points but most are absurd.
Don't tell them you'll give them up for adoption if they don't behave as you want them to, don't lock them into their room just because you're overwhelmed, be able to apologize, don't gaslight to hide your mistakes, don't have kids if you're unable to regulate your own emotions. Just... Don't have kids at all if you're mentally unstable, it'll only hurt them.
Gee thanx Not like my struggles with depression dont already make me feel guilty enough now I’m being told I should never have had kids as I’m just hurting them
Load More Replies... Parents are just people, they don't automatically gain knowledge and experience from giving birth to kids and raising them. I don't know why some moms like to say "you should have a kid yourself so you know." Well, it seems you don't either! People always make mistakes and parents do too. Also, stop glorifying parents as if they are some kind of heroes. Having a child is completely the person's own decision based on their own wants in most developed countries. I see a lot of adults with kids who can't even take care of their own problems. Ignorance is acceptable only when you are trying to learn to improve. You are responsible for someone's life and health. Take full responsibility until the kid reaches young adulthood, do the job right. If you can't, plan ahead and don't have a kid!
If only we had the energy and patience to all take heed. But eh, we parents are people too and teenagers can push you quite close to the point where the only way to get through seems to be to match their ar$ehole-ology.
That's a bad attitude to have. I know raising kids is hard and thankless but relegating it to the "it's too hard" basket and not trying to be better is not ok. None of these suggestions cost anything. Most are simple attitude shifts. If you can't refrain from being an ahole to a child with a developing brain then rethink? Yes i get you're human and not perfect and teens are a lot but we owe it to our kids to be better and at least try before getting defensive and shutting these suggestions down.
Load More Replies... When parents don't get their kids evaluated for autism/adhd ect because "its just a label"
‘That could have been you’ attacking your children for their choices can be very damaging to their mental health. Your kids should be allowed to make their own choices.
My favorite overheard in a restaurant ----> behave or I'll call the police and they will put you in jail...
Hello there! Sorry in advance for this rant but I do want to talk. I do feel that my parents are manipulative. I feel bad for some resentment I have and I'm not sure if it's valid. Basically, I'll just go through some things that my parents have done. They have been so strict with everything, and grades especially, I'm afraid to come home with so much as a low B. They'll be very judgemental about so many things that I'm afraid to express myself. I came out to them as bisexual, but as I've gotten older I've noticed that they're pretty homophobic, to say the least. When I told my mum she had to (and continues to) ask for confirmation that I "still like boys" and that I'm not a lesbian. As well as talking s**t about NB's and trans people. They always judge people for not being "normal". Just brushing me off whenever I question my mental health state. And recently, going off at me and calling me useless. There's more but I can't recall. I love them, but... Am I just being immature? help!
I hate it when parents said “I raised you and gave you a roof over your head so you should do this for me” like it wasn’t my choice to exist-
"I got my bottom tanned, too, when I was being unruly. Taught me respect and certainly didn't leave lasting damage". Yes, because finding it okay to be violent to a much smaller being and telling them it'll "hurt me more than you" is totally fine...
Divorced parents who let their new partner move in and expect their kids to like this person. Choosing sex over your children is ugly and selfish.
...i think this thread is kind of toxic. I imagine its harder being a parent than a high pressure job. So much judging.
No one is expecting parents to be perfect - just to think about the effect their decisions will have on their child, rather than blindly doing what they feel like.
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