People Are Calling Out Toxic Parenting Tactics That Are Still Often Viewed As “Normal” (30 Answers)

Respect is not learned by being told to "behave" but by being given respect. From day one on.

Yes! This!

This is my uncle in a nutshell.

I am sure I have as many parental failings as anyone else (possibly more) but I've never understood this one, even if a parent does stick to not being angry. I've always said to my kids that if they've wronged someone, by accident or on purpose, then that person has a right to be angry. Of course they also have a responsibility about how they behave, just because you let someone down or scratched their car or whatever doesn't mean they can now hit you or pour personal insults on you. But yes, they have a right to express how they feel and you have to accept that. It doesn't mean you're less of a person, it means you're taking it on the chin as you should. I then talk about how these things will come out somehow and that person will always end up angry at some point, and it's a million times better to be upfront and in control and deal with it as soon as possible, than for them to find out you've lied and hidden it from then. Boy, then they're really going to be furious.

Failure is a great teacher. Frankly so is pain. To a point, if you don’t let them fail, they will freak out when they do, and they will.

OH MY GOD THANK YOU

It's one thing to put a kid in someone else's shoes to show them shaming someone for being different isn't cool. But what this one means is it's toxic to actually cause traumatic humiliation and embarrassment for something like soiling the bed at night, or publicly shaming them just because they did something wrong at home.

It will also lead to children learning very quick how to hide stuff and lie.

EXACTLY. I remember being hit by a boy in kindergarten, and the teacher told him he couldn't hit me because I was a girl. I was FURIOUS. 'I've got a right to be hit! I WANT TO BE HIT!' Long story short, my parents got called in along with the parents of the boy and there was a whole thing about it.

"Stop f*****g crying or I will slap you" one or my dads greatest hits

That said, you have to allow that parents do know their children and they do know when a child 'isn't hungry' because they have a standard main course and can't be bothered, but half an hour later are going to be whining in the kitchen because they're hungry and can they just have some biscuits or crisps. There's a balancing act, this is why parenting is harding than it looks on the surface.

I have an acquaintance whose son's answer to being told "no" is "I love you", like that should change the answer to yes.

I refused to be like my brother in school simply for that reason. My parents always used that line on me and I HATED it. Not just because my brother was a huge d**k head and a bully.

Isn’t it crazy how some parents have this mentality? It never even crossed my mind when I had my kids, did everything I was supposed to do, especially the essentials.

Yes! My parents always yell at me together. It's a team job. But it does have the effect of alienating neither of them. And I get my own back when it's my turn to lay the table--I give them sporks instead of forks.

I was chastised because I was teaching my younger brother how to wash clothes and prepare meals after our mom died. He was only twelve, but I was ten years older. I felt like he deserved a boost to be able to fend for himself and clean up after himself.

There is a small step before explaining EVERYTHING about your decisions - sometimes you have to make a decision because otherwise your electricity will be cut off, and telling the truth will unnecessarily cause your child to worry about the household finances when they are much too young to grasp every nuance or be able to do a damn thing about it and becomes one of those people who watches every single penny well into adulthood even though they have a good job and a comfortable life. Sometimes "because" is the right answer to protect a child.

wait what do people even do this??? I was only told to change if I was in PJ's!

Happened in another way to my brother and me too. We inherited from an aunt each 2000 €. Parents never gave even a cent and spent all on debts them had run up. My brother was 15, I was 18.

Oh yeah... this was a huge issue for me as a young teen for different reasons. I was more into the metal scene, and loved odd jewelry and accessory, so I would occasionally buy some. But all of them would disappear. My mom didn't approve of my style so she took those things and would throw them away in secret. =(

when my dad collected 600$ for my prom (from him and his side of the family cuz they didn't have a lot) and gave them to me, my mother told me to give them to her so she could "keep them for me", i did that, and later for reasons decided i wouldn't go to prom so i asked her to give me the money back at least and she said " on what account? i've paid everything for you so those money have gone back to you in advance." so yea :) not only did i not get money for graduating from her, but she also took the ones my dad gave me. she did send me 300$ a month while i studied in uni ( which was rarely enough but it was to pressure me to start working while studying 6-1 ) so she kept the money from the graduation to "support me with". as if a 18 year old girl who had to move to another city and had a broken phone and proken laptop that she had to study with wouldn't have a use for 600$

Unless they are buying drugs or something, then you can take them away.

I had to tell my mum that 'if I earned the money on my own I can use it on whatever I want' a lot... Our neighbour had a lemon tree and gave us lots of free lemons, so my brother and I did lots of lemonade stands (made the lemonade all by ourselves) and earned maybe $3-5 each every time. Also selling our old toys we don't use anymore (given from other family members usually) during a garage sale. So I earned a bit of cash on my own (we got cash from extra chores, but I won't count that here as they didn't HAVE to pay us) But yet, I want to buy a new toy or some lollies with the money I earned? Mum says no because I don't need it. Like, bish, I earned this money all by myself. You only get to say that when I ask YOU to buy me something. You can tell me when I'm allowed to eat the lollies, but not if I can buy them.

Sorry, no. There is a reason parents have control over their children's estate until the children reach the age of majority. It's a parent's responsibility to properly administer that ownership and if a child buys something that isn't good for them the parent absolutely should take that away, no matter where the money came from.

You absolutely don't help yourself to your kids (or anyone else's) money, whether it's salary or pocket money. Some people have horrendous parents. My kid has her own bank acct since age 13 and I have no access to it, cant even see the balance.

what a horrible person she was!

I never understood the parents doing this. My parents were giving me money, even when I became an adult and my salary was higher than what they were earning together! And not taking them was not option, they were finding all the times ways to hide them (in the backpack or luggage somewhere in most unexpected places) and I was finding them when I was arriving home. They both passed away some years ago, but this still brings tears to my eyes.

Yes. If the money was earned/given to the child from the parent (and the child is around my age), then I can understand. But if the child earned the money elsewhere or found the money, then it's theirs! As long as they aren't buying crap through your credit card because they don't have one, I don't see how you can try to dictate everything they purchase.

Id understand the parents if they were going to PAY YOU BACK but if they dont without permission or paying back its considered theft and you can sue

Hell no. You worked for it. It's YOURS. PERIOD. I'd slap the B!!

Yes and no. Just because they paid for it doesn't mean that they get to make all the rules. You bought a car, computer, Xbox, whatever, cool. You act a fool and break rules, you pay the consequences like loosing the use of your your car or consoles. Obviously punisent must fit the crime and a pause of privilege is not the same as taking away ownership of the item

My dad would take the money from cards FOR MY COLLEGE FUND. He really meant it. DON'T SAY HE IS A BAD PARENT. I know I sound stupid rn XD But apparently a lot of people in in college debt

Yup. "You're living in my house. You give me your money. You know why? You're just going to ask me for money ANYWAY when you waste yours on something stupid. Since I"m paying either way, you need to sign your paycheques to me" And hence... when... many years later... my (ever-spoiled-never-denied-anything) sibling blithely said "If you need tuition and want to get a further degree, just ask mom and dad for money". I have NEVER asked my parents for "money" (I mean, real money... not the occasional, 'do you have an extra quarter' kind of thing). The closest would be "allowance" - which was earned through chores. In fact, the thought that kids would "just get money" for doing nothing... always messed me up when I was younger... I couldn't understand it... because I wouldn't get a NICKEL unless I found it or I 'exchanged' it for... saaay... sweeping the kitchen.

If a kid doesn't want to hugged by someone they should be able to say "No thank you, I don't want to hug." And the adults can deal with their own offence/embarassment/ discomfort/ rejection. The burden of managing the feelings and reactions of adults should not be placed on the shoulders of a socially anxious ten year old.

My son used to throw huge tantrums when he was little. I always did the same thing: looked into his eyes, told him I loved him very much, stand next to him and let him cry. I never caved. I never yelled at him. I just let him have his feelings and when he was done, we'd do whatever it was we were doing. Worked like a charm.

The worst thing of this type is probably mocking a kid for being forgetful. It's not like someone deliberately chooses to forget things, it's usually beyond our control. Mockery just makes it worse.

THIS. Mental illnesses aren't just 'being sad' and 'being happy' isn't some kind of internal switch you can flick. See a therapist who knows what they're doing and take their advice. Also, eat chocolate. It encourages the production of endorphins. Also chocolate.

You mean like telling them that people working in the fastfood industry do not deserve to earn a livable wage and they are some sort of lower species that doesn't deserve any respect at all.

This should be higher.

Another side to it: the older sibling by 7 years gets her first record player. 5 year old sister gets exact same record player because "you have to be fair".

I feel this. One of my friends has severe depression and at one point she and I were travelling on a bus together. She was crying over her phone because her teacher had given her back an assignment she spent ages on and she'd got a terrible grade. I was comforting her, and this old guy yelled at us 'I don't believe your generation! No one here cares if you broke up with your boyfriend! Quit inflicting your noise on the rest of us!' So I yelled back at him, which only made my friend cry harder. We got off the bus a stop early and walked the rest of the way home.

Downplaying issues and treating them as just a "phase" - oh, what could possibly go wrong?

ikr, like when i was a kid and my parents used to do this a lot, I just never thought of it as a punishment anymore because i knew it wouldnt happen.

I have issues with my stepmother and I feel as though I would not pass that down if i had kids knowing this pain that it has caused.

When I found my mum's pads in the bathroom bin when I was little and asked her about it, she gave me a perfectly age-appropriate explanation for periods and I was perfectly happy. No need to make up a ridiculous story or anything. Just be straightforward. Take it from a stranger on the internet with no kids.

Exactly. I started fabricated more lies that made sense and reason and they believed me. I never got caught. But then I realized that the problem wasn't getting caught, it was me doing the lies. So I talked to my dad about it, and he stopped the spanking and now resorts to leaving me to my own device and intervening when things get hectic.

Oh yes. "My Children Are My Mirror" narcissistic parent syndrome. Ugh. My dad was like that. Ugh.

Not to mention the risks.

I think this is ok, if it's clearly a joke.

OP, please seek out someone safe to talk with about your feelings. The mentioning of self-harm is a clear warning sign that you are in need. Your regard for your brother is admirable but please do the work that will help you view yourself as worthy and necessary on your own account. Best of luck to you.

Spanking apologetics, i.e. "I was spanked and turned out fine." Or did you?

Amen! Scare tactics suck.

Preach, brother/sister !

I'm not sure what this means. Do you mean putting people down for achieving what they want? Or do you mean trying to make the child achieve what the parent wants?