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In the world of funny jokes, there’s one category that’s way funnier and way cuter than the rest. Have any guesses? Well, of course, it’s a sure shot as we can all agree that those jokes definitely, absolutely, obviously are animal jokes. Same as the animals themselves - curious, hilarious, and adorable - these cool jokes will most likely make you go ‘awww’ and ‘hee haw’ at the very same time. Dare to disagree? Then check out our collection of the very best animal jokes without succumbing to the charms of the fauna and without losing your socks writhing in joy. If you do succeed in avoiding these expressive matters, though, then we congratulate you on being the most imperturbable person on the face of the Earth.
Anyhoo, why don’t we talk about the cuteness of these awesome jokes and the animals themselves a bit more? Talking about round, fluffy, squishy, and peculiar beings is, after all, one of our favorite things to do! So, no need for high-stakes betting on the topics discussed in these hilarious jokes, for there will definitely be sharp-clawed kittens, snotty-nosed puppies, beady-eyed field mice, smooth-skinned piglets, and sharp-toothed crocodiles who promise to see you after a while. And if these animals are too regular for your taste, then how about some adorable jokes on aye-ayes, pink fairy armadillos, and ocelots? We sure do have some of those, too!
But, before we get a prominent toothache from listing the sweetness you are about to witness with your eyes and your heart, why don’t we go to the actual animal jokes just a bit further down? Once you are there, give your generous vote for the funniest (or the most charming) of them all, so they will proudly take their spot at the top of this list. Once this step is fulfilled, share these clever jokes with your friends. That is, if you wish to see them turning into mush from this cotton candy sweetness of animal jokes.
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#1
"My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer." - Matt Fernandez
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#2
A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!” “Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”
#3
My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
#4
A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
#5
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
#6
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Stewart Ritchey 3 years ago
Why do those birds in the water stand on one leg? If they pulled up the other one they'd fall over, silly!
#7
"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you." - Jay Leno
#8
"After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.” - Norie Bloom
#9
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
#10
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An Investigator!
#11
"We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet." - Rita Rudner
#12
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and rollover. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
#13
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
#14
"I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him." - Reid Faylor
#16
What do you call a dog magician?
A Labracadabrador!
#17
On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?” Another responded, “Wait till they’re asleep.”
Danish Susanne 2 years ago
This reminds me of a cat we had, that I only have photos of when asleep. If she didn't sleep she came running and stuck her nose onto the lens, which does not give good portraits
#19
Snake 1: Are we poisonous?
Snake 2: I don't know. Why?
Snake 1: I just bit my lip.
#20
"Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, "Snake! Run!" His companion laughs at him. "Oh, relax. It’s only a baby," he says. "Don’t you hear the rattle?" - Steve Smith
Panda poster 3 years ago (edited)
Lllllk kg do is so ur do if do us do is to E Eli woo woo So so EDIT: I was sp
#21
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.
#25
Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
#26
How are a cat and a sentence different? A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has a pause at the end of its clause!
#28
You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.
#29
Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit? It was the herd shot around the world.
#33
A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster. The offspring were the laughing stock of the community!
#34
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course. Buildings can’t jump.
#36
"It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed. Nobody wants a loyal snake." - Roy Blount
#37
An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?" ...... "Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said. "Wow, forty years ago! How did you remember that?" "Well I have turtle recall," replied the elephant.
#39
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey." The horse says, "You read my mind, buddy."
#42
Why did the pig have ink all over its face? Because it came out of the pen.
#44
I lost my dog today, So put an ad in the paper. Bob: What good would that do? My dog can't read!
#45
Wandering inside a pet store, I stopped in front of a birdcage to admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?” - Shirley Brown
#48
They make cat food out of cow, fish, turkey, chicken & lamb meat — but not mouse meat, which is probably all cats want.
#49
This report from an agent landed on my desk in the auto claims division of our insurance company: "Driver encountered a large deer that jumped out from the woods to challenge his vehicle. The deer attacked his vehicle without having any insurance."
Lorna Anne Skinner Emmons 3 years ago
I had that happen to me. The deer was a hit and run deer. I had the deer hair to prove it but they haven't located it yet. I got a new car door and front bumper. It bounded into the driver's side door. Jumped the vehicle and took off
#54
What did the sleepy Australian bear say at the job interview? "I believe I am koala-fied for this position."
#55
If you have 15 cows and 5 goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk!
#57
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
#61
A pony went to see the doctor because it couldn't speak. "I know what's wrong," said the doctor. "You're a little horse!"
#62
What is the best way to cook a gator? In a crock-pot.
#65
Pollen and allergies got the best of Liam, my 9-year-old son, so he stayed home from school with his grandma. When I got home from work, he said he had brushed our dog, Abby. Knowing that I kept the dog’s brush up out of reach so she couldn’t chew on it, I asked, “How did you know where I keep Abby’s brush?” He gave me a puzzled look and said matter-of-factly, “I didn’t. I used your brush.”
#69
A college girl was visiting my farm and noticed the ring in our bull's nose. Intrigued, she asked, "Did you put that ring in his nose or was he born that way?"
#70
How much money does a skunk have?
One scent!
#74
So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.
#75
Max the little camel walks into his parents' room at 3 a.m. and asks for a glass of water. "Another one?" says his father. "That's the second glass this month."
#79
What kind of ant is even bigger than an elephant?
A gi-ant!
Metallicd3ath 3 years ago
I think if you use the technical definition of giant, that's not even true, you'd have to use the fantasy definition.
#80
What's the smartest animal? A fish because they stay in schools!
Yuffa Kinazzo 3 years ago
Tuna. Because they're always in schools, and usually make on a roll.
#82
Why didn’t the elephant get the job he wanted?
His qualifications were completely irrelephant.
#83
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused? Can you please be more Pacific?
#93
What kind of snake would you find on a car? A windshield viper!
#97
Why did the baby elephant need a new suitcase for her vacation?
She only had a little trunk.
#101
What is black, white, and red all over? A sunburnt penguin!
#103
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
#106
There were 10 cats in a boat, and one jumped out. How many are left?
None, because they were copycats.
#117
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
What do you think ?
Metallicd3ath 3 years ago (edited)
Oldest joke I remember seeing was in a joke book about 10+ years back: "What's the difference between an elephant and a mailbox?" "I don't know." "Well, remind me to never have you fetch my mail."
Metallicd3ath 3 years ago (edited)
Oldest joke I remember seeing was in a joke book about 10+ years back: "What's the difference between an elephant and a mailbox?" "I don't know." "Well, remind me to never have you fetch my mail."
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