Bride Wants To Keep The Reasoning Behind Alcohol-Free Wedding Secret, Friends Put Her Under Fire
People tend to have expectations—whether it’s a book or a party—which makes a wedding no exception. And on this big day, quite a few people might expect to raise a glass.
Such expectations are likely one of the reasons the redditor u/Ok_Cartographer_7439 didn’t receive much support from the AITA community. The bride-to-be asked if she was a jerk for planning a dry wedding but not telling the guests about it, and the internet voted yes. Scroll down for the full story and some of the redditors’ reactions.
Even if just a glass of champagne, alcohol is often expected at weddings
Image credits: IslandHopper X (not the actual photo)
This bride-to-be decided to have a dry wedding but didn’t tell her guests about it
Image credits: not the actual photo
Image credits:Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ok_Cartographer_7439
The majority of people seem to prefer weddings that serve alcohol over dry ones
Unless told otherwise, guests typically expect there to be alcohol when attending a wedding. Not only that, statistics show that that’s what they prefer; a survey of 1000 Americans revealed that 53% of them would rather opt for an alcohol-stocked wedding than a dry one.
But the US is far from the only country where people might want to raise a glass celebrating the union of their loved ones. Countries all over the world have all sorts of alcohol-related wedding customs, whether it’s what one consumes—‘Tears of the Bride’ (Bruidstranen) in the Netherlands, for instance—or how (from a traditional Nuernberg Bridal Cup; in Germany, at least).
With many people expecting to get boozed up at a wedding, it shouldn’t be surprising that the redditors deemed the OP a jerk, but not necessarily for not serving alcohol; some emphasized that it was more about not informing the guests about the couple’s decision.
Image credits: Magda Ehlers (not the actual photo)
If you’re planning on having an alcohol-free wedding, it might be best to say so on the invite
The Knot seconded the idea that if you’re planning on having an alcohol-free wedding, it might be beneficial to make it clear beforehand. Whether that changes people’s views on attending the celebration or not, it helps with setting the right expectations.
“Try phrasing it in an informative and inviting way, such as: ‘We are delighted to share this special day with you and kindly ask that no alcoholic beverages are brought to ensure a safe and enjoyable celebration for all of us,'” the owner of Tinted Events Design and Planning, Jacqueline Vizcaino, shared with The Knot.
Whether it’s a dry wedding or not, bringing your own alcoholic beverages is considered rude, unless that’s what it says on the invite; if you receive one with the abbreviation BYOB—Bring Your Own Bottle/Booze—make sure to stock up. But that wasn’t the case with the OP’s wedding. Moreover, they told the venue that there’s going to be no alcohol, meaning that the happy couple would have to pay up for any ‘illegally’ opened bottles.
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
It’s worth keeping in mind that the wedding day should be all about the happy couple
The OP had her reasons for choosing an alcohol-free celebration; and—no matter the reason—a growing number of people seem to be interested in such an option as well. Good Morning America pointed out that the use of the ‘drywedding’ hashtag has been on the rise (with over 3 million views on TikTok) and that, according to the wedding registry website Zola, roughly 4% of happy couples are expected to have a dry wedding in 2023.
Zola’s director of communications, Emily Forrest, told Good Morning America that it’s important to respect the decision of the soon-to-be-wed. “Guests need to keep in mind that the wedding is really about the couple getting married and it’s how they’ve chosen to celebrate their special day. And that may or may not involve alcohol.” Some of the redditors, opposing the majority’s views, expressed a similar sentiment in the comments under the OP’s post.
Bored Panda has reached out to the OP via Reddit and will update the article once we’ve heard back from her.
Image credits: Bashir Olawoyin (not the actual photo)
The redditor provided more information in the comments
Some redditors thought the bride was in the wrong here for one reason or another
A few people emphasized that it’s more about informing the guests rather than serving alcohol itself
Others believed the OP was not a jerk in the situation
Update after reading the comments
Alcoholic here. I tell it to people willingly. If someone wants to judge me, fine. I think it's better than keeping it a secret or lying about it. There's not a single perfect person on this planet. Edited to add that I am proud to say hubby and I are sober since March '22. 👍👍👍
fist bump. Ex dope head here. almost 20 years clean. I can't even get blood drawn on my left arm from all the ruined veins but now needles give me the squicks which makes me happy! I am not ashamed either. I survived, I learned and moved on. Life is hard. s**t happens. big ups to you and your hubby
Load More Replies...
She could stick with her past story and tell people she's allergic, she could come clean and say she's a recovering alcoholic (if they judge that, are they truly friends?). I think what she chooses to do is entirely up to her. However, not telling people it's a dry wedding is an AH move, that will p*ss people off. If anything, people will assume there will be alcohol, they will book hotels and cabs accordingly... if they know it's a dry wedding they can save all that expense and drive
That's a really good point. People might not mind that there's no alcohol, but that they spent money on the expectation to be too drunk to drive!
Load More Replies...
If people are that upset about not drinking at a wedding then they are not there for the right reasons and you don't need them in your life. A wedding is there to celebrate and witness to the union of the couple. It is not there to be a p**s-up and if you can't have a good vibe and fun without drinking, then you have some serious resocialisation to do. I think it would be better to tell everyone why because it will be important for people to know if they continue to share social situations, but honestly, if someone says 'no alc' and doesn't want to talk about it, it is clear that there is something important going on and it is polite to wait until they are ready to talk about it. I am amazed at the tone-deafness of their social group. Really, it should be the other way around: a warning if alc is being served so that people can plan their transport options and in case someone else has issues they are not wanting to lay open yet.
Agree, why is it such a big deal, that one can't drink for one night? Like you can't party or be festive without. Why would one spend hundreds of dollars (like a comment said) and travel far, just to drink at a wedding? Better spend like 20 dollars on a few bottles of wine, stay at home and get pissed. How would one think having drunk people at a wedding is funny anyway?
Load More Replies...
I find it pretty pathetic that people think the purpose of a wedding is to get drunk.
This is what I was going to say. You should be there to celebrate your friends or family member and if you can't do that without booze, I feel sorry for you.
Load More Replies... Wow, I never thought that anyone (other than alcoholics) would have a problem celebrating without alcohol. I'm so surprised it's an issue for so many people but then I rarely drink.
My best friend is a recovering alcoholic. He had a dry wedding. Best wedding I've ever been to. Although I feel it's easier if you're open about why. After all, being a recovering alcoholic is something to be proud of, not ashamed of.
I'm a recovering alcoholic. My thought process in my early sobriety was that obviously I hadn't cared who saw me drunk when I was hanging out in bars or staying late at parties. So I really shouldn't care who knows I'm sober. It's very freeing. It was also humbling to realize how many people already figured I had an alcohol problem before I did. (We generally don't hide it as well as we think.)
I do think she should come clean, but I find it incredibly depressing that in our culture people will riot if they can't get wasted on a wedding.
Weddings are boring. I don’t drink much, but I can see people wanting to get drunk enough to forget that they’re at a wedding.
Load More Replies... I don't understand the YTAs, really. It's HER business. It's HER right not to say anything. It's also HER wedding. Why is everyone "your wedding, your rules" until alcohol is involved? As someone said below, if people get angry there's no booze then they're not there for the right reasons. And if they feel "deceived" that's a them problem, in my opinion. I think she's right not to say anything and reduce the chance of people sneaking it in, and it's a shame she got pressured into revealing her personal reasons before she was ready. And honestly, mocktails are an awesome alternative (not saying she's doing that, but if she is, great!)!
Weird. In Asia alcohol is not a requirement. It's only required for a "toast". Most of the time only the bride and groom gets a glass of wine and everyone else gets fanta or any drink that's red.
It doesn't matter why, people can show up or not, they don't need to make their dependency your issue during one of the biggest days of your life.
NTA it's your wedding, if people want to leave when they get there because there is no booze that's on them. People are far too addicted to alcohol for their own good. As a struggling alcoholic I would know. I wish the s**t was illegal but we all know that ends even worse, cause people are so f****d up in the head the need it or they violent and s****y.
I'm not an alcoholic or addict and haven't done any recovery programs; but I have been to therapy, and one of the things I reremember is learning to own my mental health issues Not to be ashamed. The OP is sober and well. That should be encouraged and celebrated. The need to hide her drinking problem seems to have carried over to hiding her recovery. It's time to come clean. If the guests asking and making rude remarks at her fiancés birthday were mostly his friends or acquaintances then she could have him talk to them. Maybe give her guy the OK to take them aside and quitely give them the low down. But, yeah. She needs to make it clear that it's a dry wedding and that the venue will charge a large corkage fee to anyone that BYOBs. The bride and groom shouldn't be on the hook for that.
There is still a stigma with a recovering alcoholic. It is not her shame, but the judgement from others. Alcoholic = not trustworthy, in many peoples eyes, even after being sober for over 40 yrs ( husband). She should say it is dry, but why, is No Ones business. Anyways... how many weddings have been ruined by drunks? She can say she just won't have it, but the mocktails and food will make up for lack of intoxicants.
Load More Replies...
Sad how people can´t enjoy an event without being able to drink booze...
I don't have a problem with alcohol but I don't see that people need to make a fuss about drinking at weddings I go to weddings to celebrate the couple not to get a buzz on . If that's what the couple want Then that's fine it's their wedding.
Her prerogative, but she and those who love her should be proud of her sobriety.
You should be proud of your sobriety. You should tell them. Maybe it will help someone else.
If it's a dry wedding, then let people know? This is coming from someone who grew up very religious and never went to a wedding that even had alcohol until college. We didn't have dinner nor did we have drinks at our wedding, and we let everyone know all of that up front. We still had some people come drunk, but it wasn't a big deal. Had a beautiful time. Communication is key.
To quote a conversation: "How are we going to bring alcohol if we're not allowed?" "We'll smuggle it in our bloodstream."
Load More Replies...
you know who's the a§§hole here? this person...this person who gives absolutely zero śĥìťs about the couple for whom the wedding is taking place: "People get pissy when they are surprised by something negative. Every culture is different, but I go to a wedding to drink. I wouldn't travel and spend hundred of dollars to go to a wedding that was dry."
I concur, this is why I ended up having a small wedding (which had a cocktail hour, then beer, wine and soft drinks were served)- I had lots of members of the extended family who would only come out of obligation and then get drunk. It was easy to cut those people from the guest list and winnow it down to people we knew would truly want to be there.
Load More Replies...
This is ridiculous. You don't "owe" anything to wedding guests. Presumably, they are there to celebrate your marriage. How you choose to do that (and spend your own money to do so) is entirely up to you, and guests can choose to attend or not. The ones that are so put out about "discovering" upon arrival that they will not be supplied with booze at your expense are welcome to leave early and head to the nearest bar.
A recovering alcoholic who can't even be in the same room as alcohol hasn't recovered much. Does she stay out of restaurants that serve alcohol or grocery stores that sell it? But it's her wedding - and there's absolutely nothing wrong with not serving alcohol. If the guests can't endure a few hours without booze, then they're non-recovering alcoholics.
I kind of agree, I'm a recovering alcoholic 3 years sober and don't have an issue with people drinking around me. I suppose it's her wedding her rules though.
Load More Replies...
I would have told them. Saves you having a bunch of people just looking to get drunk.
I feel like if they're still mad about it after finding out the reason, they shouldn't even be invited. Then, it's clearly not about celebrating and sharing a loved ones special day, it's just about free drinks.
Load More Replies... The idea that people go to weddings to get loose absolutely floors me. I go to weddings to see people I love make a commitment to one another. The only purpose of the alcohol is to help me get past my self consciousness on the dance floor, and thats not super important (and helped if its some kind of called dance like a barn dance).
Reading these comments has been very interesting. I think it's perfectly fine to have a dry wedding. Weddings are expensive and alcohol is a big money-suck. You don't have to worry about guests drinking and driving, or making asses of themselves at the event (my cousin started a brawl with my uncle that involved the police breaking it up and a $2000 light fixture being broken). BUT you should let guests know when they're invited that they shouldn't expect alcohol there (I don't think the reason needs to be mentioned in the invitation). That will also help weed out the freeloaders who only come for free food and booze and haven't been in your life for years (those cousins you just "had" to invite). I don't think guests are entitled to a reason (to me it's like having guests ask why you're serving pork instead of chicken) the wedding is dry, but I think the bride's sobriety is something to be celebrated. If guests have an issue after knowing that, they don't belong there.
Replying to my own comment to mention that the brawl wasn't at my wedding, it was at a cousins, where there was an open bar for the entirety of the day.
Load More Replies...
If you think she should inform it will be a dry wedding, should she also state there will be no coke, heroin, mdma, weed, etc? Or that there will be flowers? Or that there will be absolutely no bunnies at all? I don't think she is obligated to inform anyone. If people so desperately want alcohol, i think they might have a problem themselves. And that is not the problem or responsibility of OP!
Ugh, people can be so dumb about alcohol. It is not a requirement for a party. If you can’t have fun without it, you need to look at why. I have nothing against people who drink responsibly, but if the host(s) aren’t serving any, grow up and deal. Your life will not end without alcohol. (I’m obviously not talking about alcoholism because that’s its own separate subject.)
Mormon here. We don't have these issues. All Mormon weddings are dry weddings. Never even occurred to me I would need to tell people. Hope my non-Mormon friends weren't disappointed at my wedding.
the reception, right? because don't your ceremonies take place within the sanctuary, and no one that isn't Mormon can go in. that's what i understand, anyway. As to your reception, i think all your non-mormon friends knew what to expect.
Load More Replies...
So… should they list all drinks that won’t be available at their wedding or just alcohol? Cuz I’m a big caffeine addict and I feel like maybe I should’ve made more of a fuss at all the parties I’ve been invited to that didn’t mention on the invite there would be no caffeinated drinks served, just sayin’. :p
I don't think I've ever been to a party attended by adults where no drinks containing caffeine were available. I actually do think such a thing would be worth mentioning to guests, since I'd consider it quite unusual where I am (in Scotland) and as a caffeine addict myself, I'd like to know if a party was caffeine-free so I could accordingly make minor adjustments to my plans (e.g. have a coffee beforehand). Alcohol-free is definitely something I think ought to be mentioned wherever there's a cultural expectation of boozing, since some people, particularly drivers, might make more major adjustments to their plans based on whether or not they anticipate drinking.
Load More Replies...
It is very interesting to look at the culture difference in all the replies. Too bad we can't see where all the reactions are from...
I feel bad for her. There is no shame in being a recovering alcoholic. There is no shame at all. In fact, I am proud of OP. She should own it. She may save the life of another person. I used to use heroin. A lot of it. It was a lifetime ago but I am not ashamed to say it. I beat it, I got better. I will never touch it again. I am stronger for coming out on the other side. OP should tell them there is no alcohol and say why. I hope she can get some more therapy and get over this hump. she has nothing to be ashamed of.
I feel bad for her because I understand her. It took a really long time for me to admit to being an alcoholic, even to my closest friends. Not so much anymore, but overcoming that shame and guilt took a s**t load of work , and just fully accepting the understanding that it's a sickness. I, too, am on the other side of it for today, and I'm glad to be in good company.
Load More Replies...
It's your wedding so if you want it dry then so be it. There are plenty of tasty drinks virgin to offer. Ask the place to make a specialty drink for the guests so it seems like you made a effort for them. And if you do decide to explain why it's a booze free event then so be it. But it's your event and they should respect that it's booze free.
It's a pity - you invite friends and family to your wedding. So we can assume these are her close circle but she feels she can't trust them enough to be open about her past alcoholism. While in fact getting and staying sober is a great achievement that deserves highest praise.
It sounds like the people close to the couple do know the situation. I agree with you that her sobriety should be celebrated, but I also don't think she should feel obligated to tell people like the grooms work colleagues.
Load More Replies...
It's none of their damn business why! Alcohol leads to stupid decisions and choices which can cause disasters like fights, puking, inappropriate speeches, etc and then they are embarrassed and the rest of the wedding party has to deal with it. If they want to drink before, so be it, but making poor choices because it's an open bar is unnecessary and unacceptable.
I don't think anyone should be obligated to serve alcohol at their wedding, or any party. But it's a always a good idea for the invitations to contain some info about what kind of event it's going to be - cocktails, wine & beer, vegetarian only, buffet style, etc. For some people, that info might determine whether they will feel comfortable attending. (I even know some people in recovery who would be more likely to attend if there's no alcohol.). That said, it's shocking how many people feel like they have a right to tell the bride and groom what to do at their own wedding. If you're doing anything nontraditional, that's your right, but you should also be prepared to put up with some backlash.
Addiction, mental illness... things like this affect a huge majority of people. Instead of carrying this burden, just tell people. It isn't shameful, it is strong and courageous. I think she would find a ton of support and enjoy no longer being ashamed of something she should be proud of.
While I totally hear what you're saying, it's up to each person to decide when, if, and how they tell others as stigma is definitely a thing, there's even a federal law in the US that protects the privacy of addiction treatment note that more stringent than regular HIPAA laws because of this. You don't out a person who is gay or who has been sexually assaulted or is in recovery. Part of all this is the feeling of disempowerment that comes with conditions or situations where stigma is involved. Just something to think about.
Load More Replies...
Really? An alcohol "allergy"? Trust me, everyone already knows, or that very least strongly suspect. I don't drink. It's the singular substance that i don't have a taste for (though it's been many years since i indulged in anything) I would sooner inject something in front of strangers, than drink. Drinking, sucks. It makes you stupid, aggressive, obnoxious and the next day you get to feel like the trash you behaved like the night before. Which is exactly what i tell anyone who asks why i don't or attempts to goad me into drinking. It doesn't mean i try to prevent anyone else, but i do have a threshold for tolerating drunken stupidity, and once that's passed, i leave. If you've been clean for over 4 years, it's no longer acceptable to try and force those around you into dealing with your problem, least of all when you're not even explaining what the problem is. If they're close enough to be at your wedding, it shouldn't be that hard to admit.
I have a skin condition that flares up if I have a single drop. Worse than the worst sunburn, and it hurts for a couple of days. Not that I was a big drinker, a couple of drinks a year, but haven't even had a praline with alcohol in years now. If you ignore it and just carry on as before, the damage becomes permanent and ugly. I tell people I'm allergic to alcohol because it's the short story.
Load More Replies...
It bothers me that her fiance's friends were getting on her back and insulting her so much... Where was her fiance in this? If not present, was he getting after them afterwards? I feel like he could have put a lot of it to rest by reiterating that he agreed and also wanted a dry wedding. I'm truly shocked at the amount of people who said they attend in order to get drunk, though. Wow. I don't even ever want a wedding but if I did, I wouldn't want them there. The only reason she needed to iterate it was dry was so people didn't pay for Uber and hotels unnecessarily.
I have been non-alcoholic (by choice) since I was a child. I then joined a church which consists entirely of non-alcoholics. And then I got married in that church. None of the church people were ever going to expect alcohol, but some family members would have expected to drink, had they not been warned in advance via the wedding invitations. The reception was held in a "cultural hall" attached to the church, both the church and the hall being "dry" venues. The event went well, as nobody turned up expecting to drink.
Plenty weddings are dry - every Islamic wedding is dry. But... you do know ahead of time. Not sure when a celebration of Union had to be free for all boozer but a heads up is kind, I guess. OTOH sobriety is an achievement to be proud of... and it takes a village, like so many things, telling is honest and open. People can respect your choice AND aid in your recovery by being on side! Best wishes for a lifetime of happiness together!!
Do I understand that the bride expects all her guests to be alcoholics, get seriously drunk and disgusting (and expensive for her). Nice point of view (not). Personally I'd attend the wedding ceremony but then just leave for the nearest bar and tell the newlyweds I'd raise a glass of champagne for their health from a safe distance.
Completely NTA. The alcohol situation was explained up front, so everyone's clear. Have whatever party you want.
Hang on, made NO mention.... my mistake. My assessment is reversed. If you don't want alcohol at your party, say so on the invite.
Load More Replies... The real solution was to just say there won't be any alcohol at the wedding on the invite. I've had weddings that have said no alcohol and it's never occurred to me to ask why as there are a number of reasons why this could be (ie recovery either my own or someone in the wedding party, religious beliefs, etc.), none of which are any of my business. Even in 2023, there is a lot of stigma and ignorance around addiction. People might ask and then it can be a decision based on who it is and how close the OP is to that person. For example, I might tell a best friend something that I may not want to tell my mother's best friend that she begged me to invite to my wedding.
Sounds to me like her and James aren't on the same page in general. She's a recovering alcoholic and is clearly trying to avoid alcohol, but he still wanted it and had what sounds like a fair bit at his birthday party. This may become a bit of an issue later in their relationship. If my partner was a former alcoholic then I would only drink when out without them, and not during big celebrations when they were present. But that may just be me. That being said I do think OP should just tell people and own up to it, sneaking around with it isn't going to do anyone any good and at this point it's just going to start rumors, but hey it's up to OP if she's fine with stuff like that or cutting people out if she wants to take more drastic measures.
i agree with others comments that it wasn't on the invitation because OP new it would affect how many attended why not tell people its because you are recovering alcoholic maybe they would be more understanding about no alcohol.
Sober alcoholic here. My red flag is why does she lie about her recovery? Makes me question the strength of her program. I don't walk around announcing it but I'd never lie about being sober. She said "steep fine" if it's brought in since she told venue there would be none. What's the cost if she tells them its byob? I get her not wanting to pay for alcohol but if it's an evening wedding, ppl are going to assume there'll be drinks. Some will likely book a nearby room and rides so not telling them would cause them to spend money unnecessarily. That would p**s me off worse than there not being alcohol if I were a drinker.
Be proud about being 4 years sober, not ashamed that you were once an alcoholic. Shame about things like this is a good way to fall back into the addiction. Separately, you should inform people if the event will be dry, or vegan, or fish only, or any particular thing like that as it helps people plan ahead.
Yeah. It makes me question the strength of her program.
Load More Replies...
Alcoholic here. I tell it to people willingly. If someone wants to judge me, fine. I think it's better than keeping it a secret or lying about it. There's not a single perfect person on this planet. Edited to add that I am proud to say hubby and I are sober since March '22. 👍👍👍
fist bump. Ex dope head here. almost 20 years clean. I can't even get blood drawn on my left arm from all the ruined veins but now needles give me the squicks which makes me happy! I am not ashamed either. I survived, I learned and moved on. Life is hard. s**t happens. big ups to you and your hubby
Load More Replies... She could stick with her past story and tell people she's allergic, she could come clean and say she's a recovering alcoholic (if they judge that, are they truly friends?). I think what she chooses to do is entirely up to her. However, not telling people it's a dry wedding is an AH move, that will p*ss people off. If anything, people will assume there will be alcohol, they will book hotels and cabs accordingly... if they know it's a dry wedding they can save all that expense and drive
That's a really good point. People might not mind that there's no alcohol, but that they spent money on the expectation to be too drunk to drive!
Load More Replies... If people are that upset about not drinking at a wedding then they are not there for the right reasons and you don't need them in your life. A wedding is there to celebrate and witness to the union of the couple. It is not there to be a p**s-up and if you can't have a good vibe and fun without drinking, then you have some serious resocialisation to do. I think it would be better to tell everyone why because it will be important for people to know if they continue to share social situations, but honestly, if someone says 'no alc' and doesn't want to talk about it, it is clear that there is something important going on and it is polite to wait until they are ready to talk about it. I am amazed at the tone-deafness of their social group. Really, it should be the other way around: a warning if alc is being served so that people can plan their transport options and in case someone else has issues they are not wanting to lay open yet.
Agree, why is it such a big deal, that one can't drink for one night? Like you can't party or be festive without. Why would one spend hundreds of dollars (like a comment said) and travel far, just to drink at a wedding? Better spend like 20 dollars on a few bottles of wine, stay at home and get pissed. How would one think having drunk people at a wedding is funny anyway?
Load More Replies... I find it pretty pathetic that people think the purpose of a wedding is to get drunk.
This is what I was going to say. You should be there to celebrate your friends or family member and if you can't do that without booze, I feel sorry for you.
Load More Replies... Wow, I never thought that anyone (other than alcoholics) would have a problem celebrating without alcohol. I'm so surprised it's an issue for so many people but then I rarely drink.
My best friend is a recovering alcoholic. He had a dry wedding. Best wedding I've ever been to. Although I feel it's easier if you're open about why. After all, being a recovering alcoholic is something to be proud of, not ashamed of.
I'm a recovering alcoholic. My thought process in my early sobriety was that obviously I hadn't cared who saw me drunk when I was hanging out in bars or staying late at parties. So I really shouldn't care who knows I'm sober. It's very freeing. It was also humbling to realize how many people already figured I had an alcohol problem before I did. (We generally don't hide it as well as we think.)
I do think she should come clean, but I find it incredibly depressing that in our culture people will riot if they can't get wasted on a wedding.
Weddings are boring. I don’t drink much, but I can see people wanting to get drunk enough to forget that they’re at a wedding.
Load More Replies... I don't understand the YTAs, really. It's HER business. It's HER right not to say anything. It's also HER wedding. Why is everyone "your wedding, your rules" until alcohol is involved? As someone said below, if people get angry there's no booze then they're not there for the right reasons. And if they feel "deceived" that's a them problem, in my opinion. I think she's right not to say anything and reduce the chance of people sneaking it in, and it's a shame she got pressured into revealing her personal reasons before she was ready. And honestly, mocktails are an awesome alternative (not saying she's doing that, but if she is, great!)!
Weird. In Asia alcohol is not a requirement. It's only required for a "toast". Most of the time only the bride and groom gets a glass of wine and everyone else gets fanta or any drink that's red.
It doesn't matter why, people can show up or not, they don't need to make their dependency your issue during one of the biggest days of your life.
NTA it's your wedding, if people want to leave when they get there because there is no booze that's on them. People are far too addicted to alcohol for their own good. As a struggling alcoholic I would know. I wish the s**t was illegal but we all know that ends even worse, cause people are so f****d up in the head the need it or they violent and s****y.
I'm not an alcoholic or addict and haven't done any recovery programs; but I have been to therapy, and one of the things I reremember is learning to own my mental health issues Not to be ashamed. The OP is sober and well. That should be encouraged and celebrated. The need to hide her drinking problem seems to have carried over to hiding her recovery. It's time to come clean. If the guests asking and making rude remarks at her fiancés birthday were mostly his friends or acquaintances then she could have him talk to them. Maybe give her guy the OK to take them aside and quitely give them the low down. But, yeah. She needs to make it clear that it's a dry wedding and that the venue will charge a large corkage fee to anyone that BYOBs. The bride and groom shouldn't be on the hook for that.
There is still a stigma with a recovering alcoholic. It is not her shame, but the judgement from others. Alcoholic = not trustworthy, in many peoples eyes, even after being sober for over 40 yrs ( husband). She should say it is dry, but why, is No Ones business. Anyways... how many weddings have been ruined by drunks? She can say she just won't have it, but the mocktails and food will make up for lack of intoxicants.
Load More Replies... Sad how people can´t enjoy an event without being able to drink booze...
I don't have a problem with alcohol but I don't see that people need to make a fuss about drinking at weddings I go to weddings to celebrate the couple not to get a buzz on . If that's what the couple want Then that's fine it's their wedding.
Her prerogative, but she and those who love her should be proud of her sobriety.
You should be proud of your sobriety. You should tell them. Maybe it will help someone else.
If it's a dry wedding, then let people know? This is coming from someone who grew up very religious and never went to a wedding that even had alcohol until college. We didn't have dinner nor did we have drinks at our wedding, and we let everyone know all of that up front. We still had some people come drunk, but it wasn't a big deal. Had a beautiful time. Communication is key.
To quote a conversation: "How are we going to bring alcohol if we're not allowed?" "We'll smuggle it in our bloodstream."
Load More Replies... you know who's the a§§hole here? this person...this person who gives absolutely zero śĥìťs about the couple for whom the wedding is taking place: "People get pissy when they are surprised by something negative. Every culture is different, but I go to a wedding to drink. I wouldn't travel and spend hundred of dollars to go to a wedding that was dry."
I concur, this is why I ended up having a small wedding (which had a cocktail hour, then beer, wine and soft drinks were served)- I had lots of members of the extended family who would only come out of obligation and then get drunk. It was easy to cut those people from the guest list and winnow it down to people we knew would truly want to be there.
Load More Replies... This is ridiculous. You don't "owe" anything to wedding guests. Presumably, they are there to celebrate your marriage. How you choose to do that (and spend your own money to do so) is entirely up to you, and guests can choose to attend or not. The ones that are so put out about "discovering" upon arrival that they will not be supplied with booze at your expense are welcome to leave early and head to the nearest bar.
A recovering alcoholic who can't even be in the same room as alcohol hasn't recovered much. Does she stay out of restaurants that serve alcohol or grocery stores that sell it? But it's her wedding - and there's absolutely nothing wrong with not serving alcohol. If the guests can't endure a few hours without booze, then they're non-recovering alcoholics.
I kind of agree, I'm a recovering alcoholic 3 years sober and don't have an issue with people drinking around me. I suppose it's her wedding her rules though.
Load More Replies... I would have told them. Saves you having a bunch of people just looking to get drunk.
I feel like if they're still mad about it after finding out the reason, they shouldn't even be invited. Then, it's clearly not about celebrating and sharing a loved ones special day, it's just about free drinks.
Load More Replies... The idea that people go to weddings to get loose absolutely floors me. I go to weddings to see people I love make a commitment to one another. The only purpose of the alcohol is to help me get past my self consciousness on the dance floor, and thats not super important (and helped if its some kind of called dance like a barn dance).
Reading these comments has been very interesting. I think it's perfectly fine to have a dry wedding. Weddings are expensive and alcohol is a big money-suck. You don't have to worry about guests drinking and driving, or making asses of themselves at the event (my cousin started a brawl with my uncle that involved the police breaking it up and a $2000 light fixture being broken). BUT you should let guests know when they're invited that they shouldn't expect alcohol there (I don't think the reason needs to be mentioned in the invitation). That will also help weed out the freeloaders who only come for free food and booze and haven't been in your life for years (those cousins you just "had" to invite). I don't think guests are entitled to a reason (to me it's like having guests ask why you're serving pork instead of chicken) the wedding is dry, but I think the bride's sobriety is something to be celebrated. If guests have an issue after knowing that, they don't belong there.
Replying to my own comment to mention that the brawl wasn't at my wedding, it was at a cousins, where there was an open bar for the entirety of the day.
Load More Replies... If you think she should inform it will be a dry wedding, should she also state there will be no coke, heroin, mdma, weed, etc? Or that there will be flowers? Or that there will be absolutely no bunnies at all? I don't think she is obligated to inform anyone. If people so desperately want alcohol, i think they might have a problem themselves. And that is not the problem or responsibility of OP!
Ugh, people can be so dumb about alcohol. It is not a requirement for a party. If you can’t have fun without it, you need to look at why. I have nothing against people who drink responsibly, but if the host(s) aren’t serving any, grow up and deal. Your life will not end without alcohol. (I’m obviously not talking about alcoholism because that’s its own separate subject.)
Mormon here. We don't have these issues. All Mormon weddings are dry weddings. Never even occurred to me I would need to tell people. Hope my non-Mormon friends weren't disappointed at my wedding.
the reception, right? because don't your ceremonies take place within the sanctuary, and no one that isn't Mormon can go in. that's what i understand, anyway. As to your reception, i think all your non-mormon friends knew what to expect.
Load More Replies... So… should they list all drinks that won’t be available at their wedding or just alcohol? Cuz I’m a big caffeine addict and I feel like maybe I should’ve made more of a fuss at all the parties I’ve been invited to that didn’t mention on the invite there would be no caffeinated drinks served, just sayin’. :p
I don't think I've ever been to a party attended by adults where no drinks containing caffeine were available. I actually do think such a thing would be worth mentioning to guests, since I'd consider it quite unusual where I am (in Scotland) and as a caffeine addict myself, I'd like to know if a party was caffeine-free so I could accordingly make minor adjustments to my plans (e.g. have a coffee beforehand). Alcohol-free is definitely something I think ought to be mentioned wherever there's a cultural expectation of boozing, since some people, particularly drivers, might make more major adjustments to their plans based on whether or not they anticipate drinking.
Load More Replies... It is very interesting to look at the culture difference in all the replies. Too bad we can't see where all the reactions are from...
I feel bad for her. There is no shame in being a recovering alcoholic. There is no shame at all. In fact, I am proud of OP. She should own it. She may save the life of another person. I used to use heroin. A lot of it. It was a lifetime ago but I am not ashamed to say it. I beat it, I got better. I will never touch it again. I am stronger for coming out on the other side. OP should tell them there is no alcohol and say why. I hope she can get some more therapy and get over this hump. she has nothing to be ashamed of.
I feel bad for her because I understand her. It took a really long time for me to admit to being an alcoholic, even to my closest friends. Not so much anymore, but overcoming that shame and guilt took a s**t load of work , and just fully accepting the understanding that it's a sickness. I, too, am on the other side of it for today, and I'm glad to be in good company.
Load More Replies... It's your wedding so if you want it dry then so be it. There are plenty of tasty drinks virgin to offer. Ask the place to make a specialty drink for the guests so it seems like you made a effort for them. And if you do decide to explain why it's a booze free event then so be it. But it's your event and they should respect that it's booze free.
It's a pity - you invite friends and family to your wedding. So we can assume these are her close circle but she feels she can't trust them enough to be open about her past alcoholism. While in fact getting and staying sober is a great achievement that deserves highest praise.
It sounds like the people close to the couple do know the situation. I agree with you that her sobriety should be celebrated, but I also don't think she should feel obligated to tell people like the grooms work colleagues.
Load More Replies... It's none of their damn business why! Alcohol leads to stupid decisions and choices which can cause disasters like fights, puking, inappropriate speeches, etc and then they are embarrassed and the rest of the wedding party has to deal with it. If they want to drink before, so be it, but making poor choices because it's an open bar is unnecessary and unacceptable.
I don't think anyone should be obligated to serve alcohol at their wedding, or any party. But it's a always a good idea for the invitations to contain some info about what kind of event it's going to be - cocktails, wine & beer, vegetarian only, buffet style, etc. For some people, that info might determine whether they will feel comfortable attending. (I even know some people in recovery who would be more likely to attend if there's no alcohol.). That said, it's shocking how many people feel like they have a right to tell the bride and groom what to do at their own wedding. If you're doing anything nontraditional, that's your right, but you should also be prepared to put up with some backlash.
Addiction, mental illness... things like this affect a huge majority of people. Instead of carrying this burden, just tell people. It isn't shameful, it is strong and courageous. I think she would find a ton of support and enjoy no longer being ashamed of something she should be proud of.
While I totally hear what you're saying, it's up to each person to decide when, if, and how they tell others as stigma is definitely a thing, there's even a federal law in the US that protects the privacy of addiction treatment note that more stringent than regular HIPAA laws because of this. You don't out a person who is gay or who has been sexually assaulted or is in recovery. Part of all this is the feeling of disempowerment that comes with conditions or situations where stigma is involved. Just something to think about.
Load More Replies... Really? An alcohol "allergy"? Trust me, everyone already knows, or that very least strongly suspect. I don't drink. It's the singular substance that i don't have a taste for (though it's been many years since i indulged in anything) I would sooner inject something in front of strangers, than drink. Drinking, sucks. It makes you stupid, aggressive, obnoxious and the next day you get to feel like the trash you behaved like the night before. Which is exactly what i tell anyone who asks why i don't or attempts to goad me into drinking. It doesn't mean i try to prevent anyone else, but i do have a threshold for tolerating drunken stupidity, and once that's passed, i leave. If you've been clean for over 4 years, it's no longer acceptable to try and force those around you into dealing with your problem, least of all when you're not even explaining what the problem is. If they're close enough to be at your wedding, it shouldn't be that hard to admit.
I have a skin condition that flares up if I have a single drop. Worse than the worst sunburn, and it hurts for a couple of days. Not that I was a big drinker, a couple of drinks a year, but haven't even had a praline with alcohol in years now. If you ignore it and just carry on as before, the damage becomes permanent and ugly. I tell people I'm allergic to alcohol because it's the short story.
Load More Replies... It bothers me that her fiance's friends were getting on her back and insulting her so much... Where was her fiance in this? If not present, was he getting after them afterwards? I feel like he could have put a lot of it to rest by reiterating that he agreed and also wanted a dry wedding. I'm truly shocked at the amount of people who said they attend in order to get drunk, though. Wow. I don't even ever want a wedding but if I did, I wouldn't want them there. The only reason she needed to iterate it was dry was so people didn't pay for Uber and hotels unnecessarily.
I have been non-alcoholic (by choice) since I was a child. I then joined a church which consists entirely of non-alcoholics. And then I got married in that church. None of the church people were ever going to expect alcohol, but some family members would have expected to drink, had they not been warned in advance via the wedding invitations. The reception was held in a "cultural hall" attached to the church, both the church and the hall being "dry" venues. The event went well, as nobody turned up expecting to drink.
Plenty weddings are dry - every Islamic wedding is dry. But... you do know ahead of time. Not sure when a celebration of Union had to be free for all boozer but a heads up is kind, I guess. OTOH sobriety is an achievement to be proud of... and it takes a village, like so many things, telling is honest and open. People can respect your choice AND aid in your recovery by being on side! Best wishes for a lifetime of happiness together!!
Do I understand that the bride expects all her guests to be alcoholics, get seriously drunk and disgusting (and expensive for her). Nice point of view (not). Personally I'd attend the wedding ceremony but then just leave for the nearest bar and tell the newlyweds I'd raise a glass of champagne for their health from a safe distance.
Completely NTA. The alcohol situation was explained up front, so everyone's clear. Have whatever party you want.
Hang on, made NO mention.... my mistake. My assessment is reversed. If you don't want alcohol at your party, say so on the invite.
Load More Replies... The real solution was to just say there won't be any alcohol at the wedding on the invite. I've had weddings that have said no alcohol and it's never occurred to me to ask why as there are a number of reasons why this could be (ie recovery either my own or someone in the wedding party, religious beliefs, etc.), none of which are any of my business. Even in 2023, there is a lot of stigma and ignorance around addiction. People might ask and then it can be a decision based on who it is and how close the OP is to that person. For example, I might tell a best friend something that I may not want to tell my mother's best friend that she begged me to invite to my wedding.
Sounds to me like her and James aren't on the same page in general. She's a recovering alcoholic and is clearly trying to avoid alcohol, but he still wanted it and had what sounds like a fair bit at his birthday party. This may become a bit of an issue later in their relationship. If my partner was a former alcoholic then I would only drink when out without them, and not during big celebrations when they were present. But that may just be me. That being said I do think OP should just tell people and own up to it, sneaking around with it isn't going to do anyone any good and at this point it's just going to start rumors, but hey it's up to OP if she's fine with stuff like that or cutting people out if she wants to take more drastic measures.
i agree with others comments that it wasn't on the invitation because OP new it would affect how many attended why not tell people its because you are recovering alcoholic maybe they would be more understanding about no alcohol.
Sober alcoholic here. My red flag is why does she lie about her recovery? Makes me question the strength of her program. I don't walk around announcing it but I'd never lie about being sober. She said "steep fine" if it's brought in since she told venue there would be none. What's the cost if she tells them its byob? I get her not wanting to pay for alcohol but if it's an evening wedding, ppl are going to assume there'll be drinks. Some will likely book a nearby room and rides so not telling them would cause them to spend money unnecessarily. That would p**s me off worse than there not being alcohol if I were a drinker.
Be proud about being 4 years sober, not ashamed that you were once an alcoholic. Shame about things like this is a good way to fall back into the addiction. Separately, you should inform people if the event will be dry, or vegan, or fish only, or any particular thing like that as it helps people plan ahead.
Yeah. It makes me question the strength of her program.
Load More Replies... 
53
96