The day before yesterday, one of my twin daughters felt sick and went to the hospital, as a result of which my wife and I missed the concert that my wife had been waiting for for several months. I, in turn, spent about an hour and a half trying to get our youngest son to sleep. Therefore, the topic that this post is dedicated to is very close and understandable to me.
Don't get me wrong - my wife and I dote on our children, and parenthood for us is a lot of joys, small and large... but at the same time, it is also a very difficult thing. As probably for any parents. For example, all those who responded to this viral thread in the AskReddit community, whose starter asked: “What’s the worst part of having a child?”, receiving over 1.8K various comments.
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Losing them. We lost our son on Saturday, and it is by far the most painful experience of our lives. It is unnatural for parents to bury their children.
If they are born with severe disabilities, you will need to take care of them or make plans for their care for as long as they are alive. It’s heartbreaking, many marriages don’t make it. My utmost respect to parents of special needs children.
I have a nearly 18 year old that will never live on her own. She will be with me until I die and then will be cared for by her brother and his wife. Her "father" just walked out so long ago she doesn't even remember him.
You've got a piece of your heart walking around outside your body where it can be hurt and there's not a whole lot you can do about it.
My dude broke his arm on the playground yesterday. Hate seeing him in pain.
The physical pain my kids experience bothers me far less than the emotional pain. I have several nurses in my families, so I tend not to panic or otherwise freak out when my kids are injured. Broken finger falling off the swing? No problem, x-rays and tape it up. Mild concussion after running into a pole? Cool, let's lay around for a couple of days! But my daughter is at the age (preteen) where girls (which is my experience; I don't have as a boy) start getting clicky and especially nasty. I remember how painful that drama was, and it makes my heart hurt when my daughter comes home crying from it.
So, nine months of waiting are over - and you are holding in your arms this tiny bundle of happiness, so similar to you... and, probably, you do not always realize that from this moment your life changes drastically, and you are at the very beginning of an endless journey, where the joy of the first words, the first steps (and the first self-changed diaper, yes!) will be also replaced by all-conquering fatigue, emotional breakdowns and many new activities that you, quite possibly, did not even suspect existed before.
Worrying about how the outside world will treat them.
This is the main reason I'm happy I don't have children. The world of today stinks.
The days drag on, but the years fly by.
Once your baby grows out of one stage, you will never have them that age again. It doesn't get sad because they turn into a cool new little person at the next stage. Until they become teenage a******s and you find yourself sobbing over home video montages
I'm so tired. Just tired all the time. I don't ever remember not feeling tired.
Before the kid I thought: Stupid parents monopolizing tiredness, I'm tired, too! Now I'm feeling more tired than ever before, even when I've had an episode of severe depression back in the day. So, if you're tired now, when you get kids remember it will most likely be even worse
And we're not even talking about changing diapers here - once you learn, your hands will remember this sequence of movements forever. It's cleaning, cooking, cleaning, buying clothes (which kids grow out of at an incredible speed - some of the purchased items your tot will not wear at all, simply because they will outgrow them, deal with it), cleaning, cleaning, rocking, cleaning, learning new lullabies... did I mention cleaning? And at the same time, your usual activities will inevitably have to be sacrificed.
Having an actual fear of death cause you never want them them to feel the pain of losing a parent.
The fact that it's 24/7. Like please don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be a mother and I really don't even want to change a single thing about my life, but you know how sometimes KNOWING you can't have something makes you want it? It's like that. No matter what, it's like I'm on a timer. I've got this little thing that I have to care for or it will die. Especially with a baby, you feed it and then the clock immediately starts ticking before you just have to feed it again. When my toddler goes to bed/takes a nap/has independent playtime/goes to grandma's house that's my time but it's ticking away and I also need to sleep/clean/run errands. There's legitimately no 'pause', there's no free day. If you're sick, or upset, or tired, you still gotta take care of them. If you hire a sitter and leave for the night you just miss them or worry about them. Even people who have the mentality of 'after 18 they're on their own' that still isn't true. You're still their parent. You're always their parent.
I love this one because it really captures the fact that a mother can love their kid, be happy they had them, wouldn't trade them in for anything but still show that it isn't easy. Alot of my friends are either men and/or child free and they all seem to think everytime I complain about being a mom it means I regret it. I don't I actually love it, I just like other things too.
Having to take care of a sick child when you are also sick. For me that has been the most challenging part so far.
Taking care of three healthy under 6's when both adults have a severe GI bug is beyond awful. We had to take turns making PBJs because the smell made us hopelessly ill. Clap hand over mouth, run to bathrooms. Rinse and repeat.
Grandparents help some parents to the best of their ability, but you understand that you cannot rely on this help as something permanent - at least because your parents, as well as your partner’s parents, have already gone through this stage in their lives. And it is quite possible that they are also working now. Some countries have programs that financially encourage grandparents to help newly minted parents raise their children - for example, the introduction of a similar program is being actively discussed in Poland, but the main burden of parenthood will still be placed on you and me. And it’s not easy, damn it, not easy at all!
Having to deal with their total lack of self preservation. They are creative and come up with all kinds of ways to try and [end] themselves, keeping ahead of the game is exhausting
My little one found out , the bug with eight legs is not a big ant, after 3 days in the ER...
Cleaning. Endless....cleaning. It's infinite.
You have to clean whether you have kids or not. But when you have kids it's a line between good enough vs. someone's going to notice and call CPS.
The sheer anxiety of it all. Wondering who they gonna be when they grow up. Worrying about if they’ll have friends, happy and do well in school. Worrying about them being kidnapped. Worrying about them dying. Worrying about if they are eating “good” food. Worrying about if you’re setting a good enough example. Worrying about keeping a roof of their head. W
Worrying about worrying.
Does anyone else think forcing a child to pick what they want to do at such a young age without exploring the world a little first? I'm 45 and my entire friend group is doing something other than what they went to school for and they regret that.
The main benefit of such collections of opinions is that parents who have kids may learn something wholesome from the experience of others. And for those netizens who are just considering the possibility of having a child, this may be food for thought so that parenthood is as conscious as possible. After all, as the ancients said, “forewarned is forearmed.”
And the better we know what awaits us ahead, the better we are prepared for it, the more opportunities there will be to simply enjoy parenthood - because believe me, there are much happier moments in this experience... Okay, let's now scroll this list to the very end, and I’ll go rock my son to sleep again, because he seems to have woken up once more at the most inopportune moment...
Watching them stray down the wrong path. Wishing they’d listen to you.
It’s not my children. It’s the lack of a village. It’s the fact I never have anyone to call on that becomes exhausting. It’s a combination of constant stimulation and loneliness all at once. Still freaking worth it though. And I’ll be the best damn village these kids could ever need one day!!!
" constant stimulation and loneliness". conveys the message clearly. You've made someone out there understand a little better. Thank you for sharing love
Thinking about all the possible pain in their future. From their first heartache to whatever the f**k climate change and late stage capitalism bring.
I get that, yet I try not to. I came to the realisation that worrying does not help or prevent a single thing from happening. It takes away from the (good) time now and maybe things turn out differently in the end anyway. So I try to focus on the good each day brings and worry when problems arrive, yet not sooner than that...
When people ask me this I say. You know those video games where you have to escort a character to a destination without them being attacked. That's parenting. Those missions are a pain in the a*s.
Everyone’s unwanted opinions
This one is no joke. To whom do you listen? Especially when you have a strong willed child? Spanking advocates? Free range child optimists? A church that wants rigidity and expects impossible attendance of little kids, and that girls marry young and nobody is ever gay, Trans, or...career minded? It's impossible to deal with if you get dealt a different hand.
Loss of spontaneity/freedom. My wife and I could just up at a whim grab dinner or spend a weekend somewhere. Now everything is planned weeks in advance and largely around nap and bedtime schedules. Oh, and sleep, what’s sleep?
It's like taking a 2nd job that lasts 18+ years with 24/7 schedule with no holidays or sick days.
With a disabled child it is much longer that 18+ years. It's for the rest of your life.
The worry that I’m a bad parent that’s doing things wrong.
Of course you're doing something wrong, you're a human. If you're not learning from those mistakes, then you have a real problem.
You won't know you'll regret it until its too late.
I don't regret having my kids at all. But I know some people who do, or wish they'd stuck with one or two but were persuaded to have more because their partner didn't want to have an only child. Kids know when they're something you'd rather not have to deal with, no matter how good you tell yourself you are at hiding it.
And for me personally the worst thing has been my own childhood stuff re-emerging in ways I can't explain. I see my parents very differently now I have my own kids. I don't find parenting my kids that difficult, but dealing with my own stuff has been an unpleasant challenge.
The constant anxiety that you’re doing enough to shape them to make good choices,a good life,be a good person and for them to have the life they deserve.
Once your child/children become adults, their choices are no reflection of you. Although you feel that you are raising them "right" and shaping them to be good/decent/responsible people, they will make decisions that may go against everything you taught them. One piece of advice...our son (gifted athelete, handsome, kind-hearted, and a joy) is not addicted to heroine and has been in and out of so many rehabs and jail. He has stolen from every member of his family and now no one will allow him to live with them. We love him and that's all we can do.
Time, it really does fly.
When I realize that my oldest is already halfway through her childhood and she’s already outgrown just being a child in so many ways, I just get so sad.
Because when you’re in the thick of it, you’re just so tired and stressed and busy that you just can’t appreciate all the little moments that are passing you and you’ll never get back. I can’t remember the last time I picked her up or she asked me to play or held my hand to cross the street.
Then you feel guilty that you didn’t enjoy those little moments more when you had the chance.
The thing is is that if you were to know it would be the last time you were going to pick them up or hold their little hand then you would never let go. It’s very difficult emotionally to be a parent.
Anxiety.
When my kids were babies I would check to see if they were breathing..
When they go to school you feel bad because you're leaving them with strangers.
You try to raise them to be good people and you constantly judge yourself and try to be better and overthink everything.
You want them to eat healthy, enjoy life, have a good education, feel confident, etc.
You don't want them to be a******s, you don't want them to be weak.
You want them to be confident but not arrogant.
You want them to speak up for themselves but not be rude.
The list goes on..
The lack of freedom, especially with a toddler or baby.
It takes a lot of effort just to get to the store for milk.
That's what "being tied down with a baby" means. We used to hear that phrase all the time.
No sleep.
The identity loss. It's like someone died, but that someone is you.
Nope. Someone is doing themselves a great disservice if they make this choice and they need to find some support from those around them.
being invisible. nothing about me matters anymore and most things are even expected to be given up so they can thrive. the loneliness and how f*****g fast your life rushes away. I'm not even allowed to exit life to not f**k kid up
But it does matter. If you're depressed and withdrawn, your child suffers. You are not invisible. You need to ask for help.
People used to say "the terrible twos"...Nope, it's the teen years.
I think it's the closest a parent ever gets to removing from earth what you brought to it.
They become "know-it-all, smart-a**ed, money-suckers" that will stand in your face & scream at you all your failings as a parent, they will tell you they hate you, they disengage from the family, & it doesn't matter how privileged & spoiled they are, the parent is the only problem in their lives.
I sure hope the old adage of "you get back 10x what you gave to your parents'. I am so looking forward to this!
When I hear people complain about toddlers, I just laugh. The worst years by far, are 12-16. They think that, because they're the size of an adult, they are an adult. Not just any adult, but the smartest adult in the world. And, the food and clothing cost is way more than a baby or toddler. My oldest two, magically turned back into reasonable people around their 17th birthday. I'm hoping it'll go as well with their younger siblings. 🤞
You’re no longer the most important person in your own life and your priorities have to change. While it sounds like you just substitute some time this problem can become more insidious if you’re never putting your own needs in front of your child’s. This is how you start resenting others for not putting you first, because you give so much to the other people around you and they can’t just see that you need a break.
So because of this the hardest part of being a parent is having your own life together enough to be a present. Dealing with setting your own boundaries, dealing with your own childhood traumas, and navigating all this change while also trying to provide for a young child.
You've taken personal responsibility and ownership of their life, 24/7, for at least two decades.
and your reward for that? most likely nothing but abandonment when you get older and your child leads their own lives.
Losing your freedom. Want to wake up late and go out for breakfast? Tough you can’t anymore
From what I see with friends:
One of the kids is severely mentally handicapped and it destroyed their marriage and it's destroying their lives. They cannot afford permanent housing for the kid, and they don't want to. The guy broke down once and said he wished the kid would die.
Another friend has told me several times over: "I love my kid, but if I could go back in time and forget all about them, I would not choose to become a father." Turns out, he hates that his primary identity is being *a dad* now. He really dislikes other parents and in particular their children.
On top of exceptions like this, general complaints:
1. The cost;
2. The time;
3. Other kids;
4. Other parents;
5. Child-safe everything;
6. Restricted travels;
7. Lack of sleep;
8. Stuck in a relationship "for the kids"...
One of them would divorce the mother of his kid, but he can't afford child support + alimony. Plus, they'd have to sell the house, sell the cars, sell his motorcycle, and everyone would be worse off.
So, they choose to live in some kind of permanent loveless cold war type of family situation, you know, "for the kid". Because that's how you show your child what love is.
I usually don't advocate that a parent disappear from a child's life, but in both of the above cases, these fathers should. They can pay their child support and never interact or see their kids again. Both of them are doing more damage to their kids by staying than they would by leaving. I'm truly concerned about the safety of the child with disabilities who father WISHES died. Severely disabled children are unalived all the time by a parent so my concern is not irrational. Even if this father doesn't physically harm his child, I can't imagine that he isn't at least emotionally unavailable or abusive. Regardless of this child's level of understanding, they don't need a parent around who actively wishes they died.
The balancing act of not raising an a*****e. Instilling discipline while not being to harsh or too permissive.
Luckily, while my kid does not look much like me (he favors his father in looks) he’s my little carbon copy on how he handles and responds to things so I know exactly how to communicate with him. His father and I are divorced, and he has majority custody right now (I have most of the kid’s life) so I get phone calls to solve issues weekly. Kid wanted to live mostly with his father this year, made it 3 months and wants to go back to living with me. I haven’t mastered the balance but I think I do ok, especially given my harsh father.
Being a parent, for me, is the most beautiful and greatest thing I could ever experience. At the same time it is sometimes the hardest and most painful thing you can experience. At the end of the day I love my kids more than life, I am happy I get to be a (self chosen) parent and I can totally respect people who choose to be childfree.
Thank you for being respectful of other people's choices. Not a lot of parents are like you.
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Our biggest worry is if our son can live an independent life and live on his own as he is autistic. We are teaching him to do things around the house but there is always the worry that he wont be able to cope living by himself
be sure not to coddle him too much. I dont know him or his abilities but I know my cousin is almost 30 and on the spectrum but he refuses to try harder because his mom(my aunt) coddled him so much and made him think that being on the spectrum meant he cant ever do certain things. The guy is not stupid or untalented. He can hold a job but he has no reason to becasuse Mom pays for everything and lets him sit around. I also work with a guy who has heavy aspergers but he holds a full time job(Sure its warehouse work) but he has an apartment, drives a car and takes care of himself for the most part. he does have a case worker who sort of checks on him but he is very independent. his parents pushed him to try and he succeeded enough. I hope your son is able to reach whatever level of independence that suits him.
Load More Replies... Deeply Regretted Their Decision To Have Kids… what a click bait headline. Most of these are people expressing that a period in their life is challenging. I’m so bored of the relentless ‘child free’ articles. Think of something new and interesting to write about.
Too bad. It's something that been hidden far too long. It's not a childfree post, it's a parental regret post. It happens. They need to vent.
Load More Replies... Being a parent, for me, is the most beautiful and greatest thing I could ever experience. At the same time it is sometimes the hardest and most painful thing you can experience. At the end of the day I love my kids more than life, I am happy I get to be a (self chosen) parent and I can totally respect people who choose to be childfree.
Thank you for being respectful of other people's choices. Not a lot of parents are like you.
Load More Replies... Our biggest worry is if our son can live an independent life and live on his own as he is autistic. We are teaching him to do things around the house but there is always the worry that he wont be able to cope living by himself
be sure not to coddle him too much. I dont know him or his abilities but I know my cousin is almost 30 and on the spectrum but he refuses to try harder because his mom(my aunt) coddled him so much and made him think that being on the spectrum meant he cant ever do certain things. The guy is not stupid or untalented. He can hold a job but he has no reason to becasuse Mom pays for everything and lets him sit around. I also work with a guy who has heavy aspergers but he holds a full time job(Sure its warehouse work) but he has an apartment, drives a car and takes care of himself for the most part. he does have a case worker who sort of checks on him but he is very independent. his parents pushed him to try and he succeeded enough. I hope your son is able to reach whatever level of independence that suits him.
Load More Replies... Deeply Regretted Their Decision To Have Kids… what a click bait headline. Most of these are people expressing that a period in their life is challenging. I’m so bored of the relentless ‘child free’ articles. Think of something new and interesting to write about.
Too bad. It's something that been hidden far too long. It's not a childfree post, it's a parental regret post. It happens. They need to vent.
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