“It’s Just Incredibly Patronizing”: 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect
Sometimes in life, it’s the thought that counts. But other times, particularly when picking out a gift for your partner of 5 years or when listening to your girlfriend vent about sexism at work, it’s probably best to have more than just that one obligatory thought.
According to women on Reddit, men often do things intending to be helpful that are actually perceived as inconsiderate, so below, you’ll find some of these behaviors women are begging them to stop doing. Be sure to upvote the replies you resonate with, and keep reading to find conversations we were lucky enough to have with dating and relationships coach Rachel New and relationship coach and marriage mentor Katariina Räike.
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I'm sure the guys who come here, asking questions like this trying to understand women, are attempting to be thoughtful. The thing is, any attempt to figure out what we like as a group is doomed to failure. There are roughly 3.5 billion women on the planet, and any group that size will have different opinions on lots of things. Being thoughtful is about paying attention to the individual not making assumptions based on what some people on the internet said.
I feel like in some situations it's nice to get a woman's opinion if you are trying to surprise your so. I have an idea what she would like but I'm still a dude. Just want a little reality check to make sure I'm not crazy. Sometimes I just go with what I think regardless. Nice stand mixer for a gift. One of my wife's favorite presents, but people were saying never to get it
To learn more about this particular topic, we reached out to UK-based dating and relationship coach Rachel New. Rachel was kind enough to have a chat with us and shine some light on why it’s so common for men to have the opposite effect when attempting to be thoughtful.
“Unless we've seen other approaches modeled many times or had some training in listening skills, our first instinct is to give advice,” the dating expert says. “This is because we want to help and are excited to share our experiences and knowledge. It makes us feel good about ourselves! Very few people listen to advice from others whatever their gender, and because of centuries of inequality, men giving advice to women has the added flavor of reinforcing gender power imbalances.”
Rachel also points out that, even if advice is given “in a clumsy way,” we can still try to remember that “the helper does have generous motives.”
“If it’s from our partner, we can also ask ourselves whether they are having those needs for self-worth and feeling appreciated and valued met in other ways (by us and others),” she continued. “If those needs are met elsewhere, they will have less reason to use helping behaviors to feel good about themselves. Ask yourself: Do you perceive a balance of both people contributing equally to the relationship, and if not, what can you do about it?”
When my husband cleans the kitchen its like he thinks he did me a favour and then expects a thank you. Its not just my kitchen, im not thanking you for something you should do more often...
Gifts were also brought up many times in this thread, and Rachel says that understanding one another’s love languages might help us see “why a man might buy, say, a gadget for a present.”
“We often project our own values and desires onto others, not using our empathy and imagination to try and understand what it is like to be another person,” the dating expert noted. “Asking questions early on in the dating process can be enlightening, like ‘Tell me what your best and worst presents have been’ or ‘Would you rather have a physical object or an experience for your birthday?’ Doing the languages of love quiz is a fun way to find out how to love your partner in the way that they are able to feel loved, whether gifts, experiences, words, touch or practical help. One person may feel loved through meaningful gifts that took a lot of thought, another may feel loved through having the lawn mown.”
When men refuse to go through a door I've opened for them, grabbing the door over my head, and insisting I go through first. Bruh, I'm just trying to be nice, I'm not challenging your masculinity.
I know they think they're being chivalrous and kind... but it comes off misogynistic. You simply can't bear the thought of a woman holding the door for you?
“Gifts also represent different things to different people,” Rachel says. “Some value the thought and effort rather than the financial cost; others would rather be involved in the choosing because they don't like waste or want to minimize the risk of disappointment. Some find the wrong gift (for example, getting silver rather than gold jewelry) represents their partner not being in tune with them, and for some that can have a big emotional impact because they did not get that attunement in their childhood. For those who experienced secure attachment with sensitive, responsive caregivers, getting the wrong gift is less of a big deal.”
"let's just do everything your way. You can decide. I have no opinion"
Sir this is your date/wedding/house/kids as much as mine. It doesn't come across as thoughtful, it comes across as you not giving a s**t.
It's basically dumping the mental load involved on their female partner
It's really really annoying when guys insist on doing something nice when I tell them no. More than once I've had to straight up argue with guys who insisted on being "gentlemen". It's not even a romantic angle thing, it's just an incredibly patronizing "I know what's best for you" thing.
Guys often do what *they* think is a nice thing without actually considering what the other person would perceive as a nice thing.
For example, buying me flowers when I'm pissed off that they were disrespectfully late for a date and haven't been answering texts regularly. You could just... promise to not do those things anymore and then legitimately never do them anymore. I'd prefer that over flowers.
I don't find it a personal affront if himself get me some flowers to say sorry, if the implicit agreement behind the gesture is that it won't happen again. Gifts are fine for minor indiscretions...however, anything serious deserves full and frank discussion to resolution.
Marriage mentor and relationship coach Katariina Räike was also kind enough to discuss this topic with Bored Panda, noting that perspective is an important factor to consider. “Whenever we focus on something, that’s what we tend to see,” she shared. “The more we assign a negative meaning to something our partner, potential partner or just someone we know is doing or saying, the more negatively we assume they will behave in the future. That’s then exactly what we’re going to experience. So when we assume all men are (fill in the blank), that’s exactly what we’re experiencing. The 'cancel culture' has strongly influenced our perception in the last decade, and made us more intolerable. We're less likely to see other people, especially the opposite sex, in a positive light.”
Mansplaining. Do things for me when I have indicated I prefer to do them myself. Thinking that the response they would want to something is the one I would want, without actually asking me or listening.
Make big grand gestures because they think that what girls want (thanks movies and social media), ignoring the fact that you're a very low key person who hates attention.
Kinda specific but if a guy tries to get pass me and puts his hand on my lower back. I get that he might have good intentions and doesn't want to bump into me but having a stranger make any form of physical contact instantly makes me feel like I'm in danger
No theres absolutely no reason for a stranger to toucha woman like that! He would never do that to a guy when pushing past, would he?
Katariina pointed out that it is not actually that common for men to have the opposite of their intended impact, but often that’s our perception because of the meaning we assign to their actions. “Our own intolerance for different ways of doing things or not seeing the positive intention behind their actions and words is what causes us to suffer!” the relationship coach says. “Good communication skills help with this, as with all challenges in a relationship. If your partner does something that is hurtful to you, it’s best to talk about it. If he does something that’s annoying, you can check in with yourself to see what his positive intent might have been and learn to accept it. If you can’t find any positive intent, have a conversation to find it.”
“In today’s world, it's the traditional gentlemanly acts that are often interpreted as something negative,” Katariina continued. “Such as paying for dinner, holding the door open, pulling out a chair, complimenting looks or offering to carry something for her. All these can be seen as politeness and kindness, or condescending behavior, depending on your own viewpoint.”
My motorcycle stalled and wouldn’t start again. I was pushing it down the street back to my house when this guy saw me and insisted that I needed help. He pushed my bike a total of ten feet before he dropped it, picked it up and dropped it again, then started complaining that it was too heavy. Thanks to his “help” my poor bike got all scratched and dented. Funny I was doing fine on my own without him?
Say things like “there are men who actually love [thing you’re insecure about]. I for one actually love [thing you’re insecure about]” when you open up about your insecurities. It’s not about whether men like something or not. Whether I love my own body shouldn’t be determined whether there are men out there who find it attractive. You could have a 100 men compliment the thing you’re insecure about and still hate it by the end.
Sometimes I’m self conscious about a thing because I know men have weirdly fetishised it. I am not for you.
Offering to do something to help around the house but then half as*ing it. I’d have rather honestly just done it by myself than have to get frustrated and finish it
When it comes to making sure that our actions actually do have the desired effect, Rachel told Bored Panda, “It’s important to start with communicating that you believe the other person is very capable and competent and that you have complete trust in and respect for their abilities. You could say something like, ‘This looks like exactly the kind of problem you are good at solving!’ or ‘I can see that you have this completely under control!’ Then, rather than giving advice or sharing expertise, ask ‘Is there anything I can do to support you?’ or ‘Would you like a suggestion or an idea or would you rather work on your own?’ Very few people take advice from others, so even the perfect solution to a problem or the most useful tip in the world will probably fall on deaf ears unless they have asked for advice. People like to make their own mistakes and learn that way.”
I've had several men insist on helping me lift something they think is too heavy for me while I'm at work. I have to explain that I was hired to do a demanding job and I need to be physically capable of doing it, and their attempt to "help" me is actually hurting my image.
Happens to me all the time. Especially my FIL tends to act like this. "Are you sure you can carry this?" "No, don't lift that. It's too heavy for you." and similar things when it comes to objects that don't even come close to the weight of a normal grocery shopping bag. I know he just tries to be nice but damn! It's annoying! If I need help, I have no problem to ask for it.
When I am upset that they said/did something they knew I would be annoyed about, and then want to give me a hug or kiss to make me feel better. Dude, it's you who wants the hug or kiss to feel better, not me.
Thinking that I need practical advice when I’m just trying to vent. Focusing on problem solving instead of listening.
Maybe woman should learn to communicate what message they want to get across. It's not that hard to say something like "I know I could just do *solution*, but I'm still so angry about how xy acted". Then everyone would understand that the problem is about being angry at xy acting like an idiot. The solution would then be to tell the woman that they understand that she is angry and that the person really behaved like an idiot. By the way, I'm a woman and I hate this kind of communication when someone expects others to interpret their mixed messages.
Exactly. Specify what you want before the conversation and there won't be any issues.
Load More Replies...Been married for 25 years...learned a long tine ago to just ask the simple question..."are you looking to vent or are you looking for help"...works wonders...its called communication, some of you should really try it.
I do get this, but do you realise just how hard that can be for some people? It's not just men, but for many people the 'sharing' of a problem is not a natural thing to do, so they don't recognise it when others (and not just women) are doing this. Try to make it clear that you're not looking for advice, then we can switch off our 'problem-solving' circuits.
or YOU could make the effort to ask if they want to vent or want help
Load More Replies...When a friend needs to vent, I ask "do you need space to just vent or would you like advice?" And just let them tell me how I can support them. I'm a woman but I automatically go into problem solving mode. I've learned to step back and let folks decide how I can support them and asking this question lets them control the conversation.
Key phrase for us ....."do you want solutions or comfort?" Just one word let's the other know what your needs are. Men are by nature solution focused, they like to *fix* so their go to is to try and work out what will sort out the problem. 99% of the time tho, us women will know the solution....we just want to vent about the whole thing before we fix it ourselves!
Taken me 20 years to be good at this. I always just ask which mode is wanted cause occasionally it's problem solving. When it's me talking about something it's like vanilla ice. Got a problem? Yo I'll solve it
Best thing I ever do with the adult daughters & female friends is ask at the beginning - "Need me to listen or need me to listen AND help solve?" Helps me focus either way :-)
Load More Replies...I get this, but on the other hand I'm someone who likes to fix things too. I don't think it is entirely a gender thing.
I sense a pattern - people not communicating well - being not direct in what they need or want, not listening, not asking! Acknowledging that I may not know exactly what the other needs or wants. Accepting that we're individuals not necessarily bound by generalizations of whatever groups we might belong to, and that how you interacted with a past him, or her or them or other gender may not be how this current person enjoys.
We generally just ask if they’re looking for solutions or just want to b***h - if it’s the former then solutions will be discussed, both serious ones and silly ones, if it’s to b***h then let the bitching commence and before long we’re crying with laughter at the over the top drama we stir up between us - in both scenarios we’re both left laughing and feeling much better
We know that men tend to like fixing - simply say before your vent how much support or help you want - guys should also ask - vent or fix?
When will we all realize that men are trained to be problem solvers and shamed for "venting" or showing their feelings?
Sometimes just be onside. No matter how irrational I’m being. Lol. My poor partner.
I like to tell folks I'm just venting and need to get it out of my system. I have a friend who I have to say that too every time I vent. She is a fixer type and wants to fix the things I vent about in in reality I just need to get it out so I can move on and fix it myself.
We provide context up front in these cases. Usually, "You're a bartender for this one."
But as Moo said, that only works if the person listens. But at least the context is there when the person you're talking to is genuinely listening.
Load More Replies...This is how we're wired. My wife and I learned this early, especially since she doesn't seek me for venting as much as some I know. You need to.tell him up front that you're just looking to release pressure. You *also* need to not complain exceedingly about the same frustration, or we'll very much want to stick our oar in. Complaining about Janet in accounting for overperfuming for the 100th time is not something we can handle. We will eventually tire of it and tell you what we would do, because in your place we'd not dare to keep venting, we feel it a weakness, and we would just take steps to solve the problem. I know this isn't every woman, but women do need to see this from our perspective too.
We had a discussion on this - always ask if you need help or are venting. Clears that right up.
Yes. Because letting the man know you're just "venting" and don't want advice would just be too hard since the man is supposed to instinctively know what a woman wants while your venting makes the man feel like it's his fault.
This comes down to communication. My wife is a “fixer.” She does it with the kids, our parents, me, her job, everything—and she’s REALLY good at it. There are times when I’m upset about something and I say to her, “babe, I love you—but I just want to vent and want you to hold my hand and sit in this with me. Can we talk about solutions later, please?”
I read a book about it, we men don't vent about the problem, we talk about the problem to find solutions.
So a little tip for anyone reading this... if you want to vent then start off the convo with your man by saying "I just need to get this off my chest I don't want any advice right now" it's a huge help. Letting them know that you need to vent lets them know they just need to sit there and listen. Men are solution orientated and will jump in with a solution unless you let them know you don't need it right now.
I am a woman but I actually tend to do this too, because I am wired to go directly into problem solving mode. I have learned to ask straight up - do you just want to vent or would you like solutions? It's better for me because I know my role. It's better for my friends and family because they feel heard and supported in the way that they need.
This should go as number one actually. That’s our main problem as men.
It's so easy to say "I'm just venting," or "Can I vent to you?" Made my life (and my partner's!) much more peaceful since I've started doing that. And if I don't say it, he's started asking if I'm venting or looking for a solution.
Women's minds work differently mens. Ok that's fine. But both are equal. Talking as if men's mindset is a flaw is unfair. If there is an easy solution, you wouldn't need to vent and life would be better. Why would you reject that option?
Are you serious? People need to talk about their feelings even if they have a good life
Load More Replies...Attempts at problem solving are evidence that he IS listening, even if it's not what you're looking for. Maybe you should communicate with people what you're hoping to get from the conversation rather than assuming they can read your mind
maybe you should communicate and ask whether they want problem solving or someone to vent to
Load More Replies...Bring on the downvotes. If this is a common issue, then the logical thing to do is to talk to another woman. That way you can vent and she will know to just listen without making you more angry by offering a solution. Then this anger towards men will cease to exist.
Oh yeah cuz men are sooo oppressed 🙄 like are you stupid? maybe instead of victimising yourself, learn to listen
Load More Replies...Katariina also says making sure our partners perceive our actions the way we want them to is simple. It requires “communication, communication, communication!”
“And before communication, both of you need to take responsibility for your own mindset and beliefs about other people and their intentions,” the mentor noted. “This mindset is something that takes a lot of effort to change, so it’s good to pay attention to this tendency already in the dating phase. Is your date criticizing other people, comparing, and do they have unspoken rules that cause drama if broken? Does it seem that what you do is often wrong, or is it that you don’t receive positive reaction and feedback even if you do something ‘right'? These are red flags that should not be ignored.”
“This tendency is likely to also cover you sooner or later in the relationship,” Katariina says. “In any case, you need to learn to communicate your priorities, intentions and likes, and be ready to receive feedback and learn from those of your partner.”
My rage soars when I get the: “what can I do to make it up to you, now?” question. After I’ve explained that I’m mad they did this disrespectful thing. And what they mean is ‘is there a gift I can buy you to fix this so that I don’t have to change my actions’
This whole, 'oh if I see another guy harassing you I'm gonna beat his a*s'. Unless I specifically ask you to do that (which I won't because that's stupid) you're just going to make the situation worse, get hurt and make it about your heroism (or pain when you likely get battered)
There are ways to help in those situations without making it more dangerous for everyone involved
Unsolicited advice on ways for me to get fit and/or live healthier, particularly if they’re my partner (they think they’re being supportive but what I hear is “you’re fat”)
If you want to motivate your partner to live healthier, you can support them by participating in their resolutions. If they decide to run three times a week, you could run with them, etc. Absent of any positive resolutions, you can make your own. Who know, they might decide to join you.
“The way to communicate what you want to see from your partner is the same as all other needs and desires should be communicated: appreciating the positive intent and communicating your hopes in a respectful and positive manner, with plenty of positive feedback along the way,” Katariina went on to share. “It’s only fair to let your partner know how they can make you feel good and what makes you happy, and ask in what ways you can do the same for them. And at the same time, we all are responsible for our own happiness, it’s nobody else’s job to do that. This is something good to remember.”
Finally, Katariina urges readers to “remember not to take life too seriously! If someone tries to be helpful and according to your standards fails at it, so what? Have a laugh, learn from it if there is something to learn, and move on. Expressing negativity and judgment or taking offense are decisions. We rarely feel good doing that.”
If you’d like to hear more wise words from Katariina or gain some insight into your own relationship from the expert, be sure to visit her website right here.
Thinking sex cures everything.
Trying to have sex with an angry woman usually ends up making her more angry lol
Trying to be supportive or validating by saying things like, "You're feeling [type of way] right now" or "I know you're thinking [thoughts]" that are not at all how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.
Instead of being thoughtful, it comes off as assuming they know me better than I know myself or shows that they've totally misinterpreted my thoughts and feelings and just assume things about me that aren't true.
It's infuriating and actually *highly* invalidating.
It is to everyone. Never assume you know how someone feels. Instead, try: You look upset, are you angry because of [thing]?
Doing things for me instead of teaching me how to do it. I want to learn; I don’t want it handed to me.
My wife doea that as well and I hate it. She says I am not doing it right, let me do it instead of teaching me How she wants it.
And when it comes to gifts in particular, Rachel says that making sure your partner picks out the appropriate ones for you requires a long-term strategy. “Over a period of months, listen carefully to what your partner says, make notes on or take photos of anything they admire, ask questions about what they like about the admired objects, such as ‘So is it the color, the material, or the style that you like?’ Find out what their favorite ornaments, jewelry, etc. mean to them and where they came from.”
Rachel also warns women not to have unrealistic expectations about a man’s ability to know what kind of jewelry or clothes they like. “It can be very difficult to extrapolate general rules from one or two examples! Many women have had many years of refining their tastes, discussing them with friends, browsing through thousands of images and designing hundreds of outfits, but men have not,” the dating coach notes.
When traveling alone on a plane, I’ve had men ask if I need help lifting my bag into the overhead bin. I say no, but they grab my bag and do it anyway. It’s so rude and patronizing. I am more than capable of lifting my own bag or asking for help if I need it.
Just shout "That's my purse, I don't know you!" And kick them between the legs.
Surprises. For some it might be the pinnacle of thoughfulness, but for me it's stressful. I've been told off before for making plans on a night he planned us a romantic dinner at home. Dude you can't be mad at me for dissing an event (on a random night for no reason) that you didn't tell me about.
You should know if your partner hates surprises or likes being surprised
When I'm sick and they INSIST "okay, I'm coming over; what can I bring?" Why would you come and get sick when I'm sick? I get that it's sweet and a great gesture, but if I'm sick, I'm not in the mood to entertain, have sex, or talk much. Just telling you I'm sick so you know why I'm not texting a lot 😂
“Although the Reddit examples are mostly women complaining about men, it can be instructive for women to get some insight into how hard it can be for men to generalize correctly,” Rachel continued. “Let's use a stereotypical example of a man showing a woman a shirt he likes. The woman may notice one or two features she thinks are relevant (perhaps the shape, or the collar) but the man might value completely different features (such as the length of the sleeves, or the fact that it doesn't need ironing). So the woman might try to create a ‘rule’ about which shirts he likes, but the rule may be wrong. Similarly, men may try to create a rule based on one or two pieces of jewelry, but get it wrong. We bring our own tastes and values to the process, and we will get it wrong unless you ask for a few more examples and discuss it!”
“If your man doesn’t have the very specific ability to choose the right jewelry, ask for other gifts rather than being disappointed: it’s not the most essential relationship skill!” Rachel added. “It might help to think of this skill as being like the ability to distinguish particular instruments in an orchestra: very nuanced, needs a lot of practice, not useful in any other context, and not something everyone can do.”
Buying generic gifts. For example, one birthday my then boyfriend of years bought me a silver pendant necklace that looked like whatever you usually see in a Jared commercial. I don’t wear jewelry often and when I do it’s gold and isn’t that style at all. So while the gesture of the gift is appreciated, it also says you could not take the time to figure out what I like, and just went with what product marketing decided women want.
This is very me specific, but I hate being the first person walking into someplace new. It's an anxiety thing I suppose. My partner however, always wants to open the door for me, which is sweet but results in me...walking in first.
Letting me on the elevator first if it's just the two of us and we're strangers. I'm going to need you in my sight the whole time thankyouverymuch.
“The best way to communicate any requests for changes in behavior is to first show appreciation and then to be specific,” Rachel told Bored Panda. “Often we start with criticism, which doesn't achieve our goal of changing behavior – it just makes them feel bad and like giving up. We are more likely to change if we first feel good about ourselves. Don’t assume they haven’t put any effort into picking out the gift, just because you don’t like it.”
“Don't say ‘You just don't put any effort into gifts’, say ‘Thank you’ and then a few weeks later, suggest that you pick gifts together. Or have a list they can pick from or move to buying an experience (like theatre tickets or a boat ride) rather than a physical object. Don’t say ‘You just don't get me’, say ‘I’d love us to spend some time talking about what’s important to each of us,’” Rachel continued. “Don’t say ‘Stop patronizing me!’, say ‘That's lovely of you to try and help me. It's really important to me that I learn how to do this on my own. But I'd love it if you could clean the car/feed the baby/tidy up instead!’”
If you’d like to learn more about Rachel or seek her advice about your own dating life, you can find her website right here!
Most compliments on my physical appearance, annoy me.
I know that most women are insecure but, I'm not and idc if you desire me sexually.
I know I look good. Try and give a meaningful compliment.
An excellent rule for everyone: try to make compliments about people's choices, rather than something they have no control over. (Ie, "I love your outfit" or "I like the way you handled that situation", and not "you're cute when you blush" or "damn girl those some killer legs!")
Assume things, my partner will sometimes just assume I'm going to say no, therefore doesn't tell me or ask me, and when I confront him about it, he just says "I was going to ask that but i didn't think you would want to"
My mom is like that. She's angry at me without even having asked me anything, because I 'wouldn't do it anyway' 🙄
I always split the check on first dates and I hate that I have to argue with them! It’s thoughtful that you’d want to pay for me but I’d prefer to pay for myself. Usually they’ll settle with me buying drinks and they’ll buy food but it’s frustrating and looks weird in restaurants.
Not really his fault though, after years of conditioning by some women who really do expect the man to pay. I was always very happy to go 50/50, but normally if I'd arranged a special/expensive evening out (i.e. not really 'first date' type of thing) then in the first instance I would expect to pay..
Note: this post originally had 46 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
Dear author of this post, we women are not some hive minded creature. Just because you don't like flowers with an apology or generic gifts doesn't mean the entire female subset of this species agrees. This entire post could be summed up to "Women, talk to you damn man about what you like/want. Men, listen to your damn woman about what she likes/wants".
I 100% agree. The last of these posts a week or so ago, some of the complaints were the exact opposite of the complaints here. It really is an individual thing, and the important thing is to communicate with your partner, listen to your partner, get to know your partner, learn to respect their likes and dislikes, learn to accept differences in the way they do things or like things, and cooperate like adults.
Load More Replies...So many simple, well intentioned, ways to offend people. It must be exhausting to look for and find so many ways to misinterpret your partner's actions. I'm happily single, and articles like this just make me realise how lucky I am to be happy that way.
I'm 100% with you on that, I read these articles and see a culture I really don't want to be part of. I Just want to find someone I can share life experiences, in a relationship where both parties make the effort and grow old happily together but these articles just make me think that despite being a genuine person who has nothing but kindness to give I'm probably better off alone
Load More Replies...I am so glad that I’m in a loving, stable relationship with my partner! We find that communication is the way to find out what does and doesn’t work. We don’t get offended if the other one tries something new, we apologise when we get stuff wrong, we try to make life better for each other and we know that life has ups and downs, no one gets everything right. She isn’t covered by the blanket term ‘a woman’, she’s Sam and she is an individual who doesn’t need treating ‘like a woman’, she needs treating like Sam, the woman I love.
My wife and I have been married over 30 years, and I completely agree. I think the cornerstones of a solid relationship are communication, cooperation, patience, mutual respect and trust. I often describe my wife as my best friend, and she tells our children (both adults now) that I'm her "buddy"!
Load More Replies...Correction: pleasing THESE women. Please don't lump us all in here. Mature women will know that we can actually just talk to our man about what we want/don't want and we can also look at the intention behind the action, instead of jumping to offense. I'm grateful for everything my husband does, even if it's not done in the way that I would have chosen.
Load More Replies...I got irritated halfway thru these posts,as a woman i feel for men actually as woman have so many conflicting rules,do this dont do this,be kind and considerate dobt be kind and gonsiderate it is condescending jeez id hate to be a man.Lotta very self defensive women out their that get bent outta shape for basically lack of communication or because males process things differently.Are there males who purposely try to be "alpha male" sure but majority of them just trying to do the right thing but are clueless.
I just know i'm going to get downvoted all to hell for this, but I'm not sure why people downvoted you. You were expressing an opinion, and even if they disagree, I don't think that's a good reason to downvote you. I personally appreciate your post, and I agree: it's confusing. For example, some of the complaints above are "Don't open the door for me!", "Don't buy me flowers!", "Don't try to pay my half on the first date!" and literally a week ago, the complaints were the exact opposite! It's very much an individual thing, and people need to communicate and respect each other. My other thought is: do we REALLY need a new "50 ways men are clueless and useless" or "50 things men do that women hate" literally every week?
Load More Replies...When did we move from being offended by things that were actually offensive to things that were supposed to be pleasantries?
I wish men would stop second-guessing me at work. Yes, I do know how to do my job, and when I put a bag in the reject pile, there is a good reason. I do not need to be mansplained at about when to put bags in the reject pile, and I did not do it randomly.
I have a coworker who wants me to let him know when I need certain computer access at work, he wants to do it himself. He thinks he knows computers when just knows how to do the tasks he's been taught. I have two degrees in IT and all of our computers are networked which requires Admin level privileges which he doesn't have.
Load More Replies...Its no wonder why men are choosing to remain single. We are sick of you constant whining and complaining about how we wrong all the time. Enjoy being alone. Men dont need women to live happy lives.
Honestly everyone seems to want to remain single these days. You have control over your own life. But whoever asks another person out should pay. Or say we're going dutch.All women, like all men, are not all the same. You know that.
Load More Replies...Many of these are annoying, but some are just sad. So many people terrified of strangers!
100% of this comes down to sharing what you appreciate while respecting the intent. Then accepting the rejection while respecting the intent.
I got on the tube last night with my folded up push scooter and a bag, so placed the scooter somewhere no-one will fall over it, and stood by it (not busy). A man offered me his seat, I said no thanks. He then got up and proceeded to insist I take his seat - I kept saying no. The same happened when I was pregnant. Very nice to offer, but accept my answer. In both situations, sitting down would have meant either not enough space for my stuff, me being uncomfortable or me not being able to get back up again. I know me, and my needs and if I say "thanks but no thanks", accept it.
I know. I'm a guy. On the train last week, a high school student got up and offered me their seat. I said "No, no! I'm okay!" but they insisted. I'm not THAT old, am I?
Load More Replies...One thing I absolutely hated. And I told him a million times, even got mad. When I was telling him something, anything at all, he would interrupt me and finish my story. Most of the time that was not what I was going to say. He even did that with other people around. I just gave up, gave up on him.
As a woman I cannot personally agree with any of the points made in this article. I genuinely feel saddened to read this is what the men of our society may read today who may take this article to be actual advice- it’s not positive or healthy advice to read. Instead it seems to be an angry attempt to strip men of their intrinsic duty to provide and protect women and also to be real gentlemen who take on their natural masculine role in society with their families and loved ones. Where has all the peace, love and understanding of each other gone? Where have the natural honour, truth, and respect of the roles of men and women gone?
But where does it say you're supposed to personally relate to each of these experiences??!!
Load More Replies...I do not like strangers calling me pet names, like honey, or sweetie. I'm actually not found of it period from anyone. I had a student call Me sweetie once. Ummmm, no. I hate it even more coming from cashiers or waitresses. I'm no one's "love" or "dear." My boyfriend calls me all kinds of sweet names, but he's my boyfriend.
Lol, don't go to the US South. I'm a guy, but even so, growing up, a lot of older women would call me "hon" or "sweety" etc.
Load More Replies...Dear author of this post, we women are not some hive minded creature. Just because you don't like flowers with an apology or generic gifts doesn't mean the entire female subset of this species agrees. This entire post could be summed up to "Women, talk to you damn man about what you like/want. Men, listen to your damn woman about what she likes/wants".
I 100% agree. The last of these posts a week or so ago, some of the complaints were the exact opposite of the complaints here. It really is an individual thing, and the important thing is to communicate with your partner, listen to your partner, get to know your partner, learn to respect their likes and dislikes, learn to accept differences in the way they do things or like things, and cooperate like adults.
Load More Replies...So many simple, well intentioned, ways to offend people. It must be exhausting to look for and find so many ways to misinterpret your partner's actions. I'm happily single, and articles like this just make me realise how lucky I am to be happy that way.
I'm 100% with you on that, I read these articles and see a culture I really don't want to be part of. I Just want to find someone I can share life experiences, in a relationship where both parties make the effort and grow old happily together but these articles just make me think that despite being a genuine person who has nothing but kindness to give I'm probably better off alone
Load More Replies...I am so glad that I’m in a loving, stable relationship with my partner! We find that communication is the way to find out what does and doesn’t work. We don’t get offended if the other one tries something new, we apologise when we get stuff wrong, we try to make life better for each other and we know that life has ups and downs, no one gets everything right. She isn’t covered by the blanket term ‘a woman’, she’s Sam and she is an individual who doesn’t need treating ‘like a woman’, she needs treating like Sam, the woman I love.
My wife and I have been married over 30 years, and I completely agree. I think the cornerstones of a solid relationship are communication, cooperation, patience, mutual respect and trust. I often describe my wife as my best friend, and she tells our children (both adults now) that I'm her "buddy"!
Load More Replies...Correction: pleasing THESE women. Please don't lump us all in here. Mature women will know that we can actually just talk to our man about what we want/don't want and we can also look at the intention behind the action, instead of jumping to offense. I'm grateful for everything my husband does, even if it's not done in the way that I would have chosen.
Load More Replies...I got irritated halfway thru these posts,as a woman i feel for men actually as woman have so many conflicting rules,do this dont do this,be kind and considerate dobt be kind and gonsiderate it is condescending jeez id hate to be a man.Lotta very self defensive women out their that get bent outta shape for basically lack of communication or because males process things differently.Are there males who purposely try to be "alpha male" sure but majority of them just trying to do the right thing but are clueless.
I just know i'm going to get downvoted all to hell for this, but I'm not sure why people downvoted you. You were expressing an opinion, and even if they disagree, I don't think that's a good reason to downvote you. I personally appreciate your post, and I agree: it's confusing. For example, some of the complaints above are "Don't open the door for me!", "Don't buy me flowers!", "Don't try to pay my half on the first date!" and literally a week ago, the complaints were the exact opposite! It's very much an individual thing, and people need to communicate and respect each other. My other thought is: do we REALLY need a new "50 ways men are clueless and useless" or "50 things men do that women hate" literally every week?
Load More Replies...When did we move from being offended by things that were actually offensive to things that were supposed to be pleasantries?
I wish men would stop second-guessing me at work. Yes, I do know how to do my job, and when I put a bag in the reject pile, there is a good reason. I do not need to be mansplained at about when to put bags in the reject pile, and I did not do it randomly.
I have a coworker who wants me to let him know when I need certain computer access at work, he wants to do it himself. He thinks he knows computers when just knows how to do the tasks he's been taught. I have two degrees in IT and all of our computers are networked which requires Admin level privileges which he doesn't have.
Load More Replies...Its no wonder why men are choosing to remain single. We are sick of you constant whining and complaining about how we wrong all the time. Enjoy being alone. Men dont need women to live happy lives.
Honestly everyone seems to want to remain single these days. You have control over your own life. But whoever asks another person out should pay. Or say we're going dutch.All women, like all men, are not all the same. You know that.
Load More Replies...Many of these are annoying, but some are just sad. So many people terrified of strangers!
100% of this comes down to sharing what you appreciate while respecting the intent. Then accepting the rejection while respecting the intent.
I got on the tube last night with my folded up push scooter and a bag, so placed the scooter somewhere no-one will fall over it, and stood by it (not busy). A man offered me his seat, I said no thanks. He then got up and proceeded to insist I take his seat - I kept saying no. The same happened when I was pregnant. Very nice to offer, but accept my answer. In both situations, sitting down would have meant either not enough space for my stuff, me being uncomfortable or me not being able to get back up again. I know me, and my needs and if I say "thanks but no thanks", accept it.
I know. I'm a guy. On the train last week, a high school student got up and offered me their seat. I said "No, no! I'm okay!" but they insisted. I'm not THAT old, am I?
Load More Replies...One thing I absolutely hated. And I told him a million times, even got mad. When I was telling him something, anything at all, he would interrupt me and finish my story. Most of the time that was not what I was going to say. He even did that with other people around. I just gave up, gave up on him.
As a woman I cannot personally agree with any of the points made in this article. I genuinely feel saddened to read this is what the men of our society may read today who may take this article to be actual advice- it’s not positive or healthy advice to read. Instead it seems to be an angry attempt to strip men of their intrinsic duty to provide and protect women and also to be real gentlemen who take on their natural masculine role in society with their families and loved ones. Where has all the peace, love and understanding of each other gone? Where have the natural honour, truth, and respect of the roles of men and women gone?
But where does it say you're supposed to personally relate to each of these experiences??!!
Load More Replies...I do not like strangers calling me pet names, like honey, or sweetie. I'm actually not found of it period from anyone. I had a student call Me sweetie once. Ummmm, no. I hate it even more coming from cashiers or waitresses. I'm no one's "love" or "dear." My boyfriend calls me all kinds of sweet names, but he's my boyfriend.
Lol, don't go to the US South. I'm a guy, but even so, growing up, a lot of older women would call me "hon" or "sweety" etc.
Load More Replies...