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“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore
Practice makes perfect, right? Whether you're learning a new language, playing an instrument or gaining athletic abilities, experience is a plus. And dating is no exception.
Recently, one curious Reddit user asked women to share the “smaller relationship boundaries” they’ve learned to set over the years, so below, you’ll find some of their most thought-provoking responses. Keep reading to also find an interview with Dating and Relationships Coach Rachel New, and be sure to upvote the behaviors you refuse to tolerate from your partners as well.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
When someone says “I was joking” after saying something cruel. And blaming me for “being sensitive.” Any cruelty masked as humour.
If they freak out when I set a perfectly healthy boundary. Red flag.
D. Pitbull 2 years ago
One of the hugest - in any relationship. If you just say straight up that it was hurtful, rude, etc... and they say 'fiiiine sooorrry' - then they do it AGAIN ... and again... yeah, buddy, you're not 'sassy', you're not 'clever', you're not 'witty'... you are gone.
Luke Branwen 2 years ago
Schrödinger's douchebag: decides whether the F'd up thing they just said is "just a joke" based on the surroundings' reaction.
Barbara Kelly 2 years ago
When someone says something cruel and then explains it is "because of their astrological sign". No! it's because you are an a**.
Jeya Mackelle 2 years ago
Couldn't agree more. If you wanna be a d**k, be prepared for me to dish out your own medicine so you feel as small and pathetic as your d**k is. Him: Damn, looking at your backside makes me think of a semi! Honk honk! Me: At least one of us has something worth bragging about related to size. My humps, my lovely lady lumps!
RELATED:
#2
My boundaries are simple. No trumper no racists and homophobics. The end.
Teatime Thots 2 years ago (edited)
Yeah, that's a complete dealbreaker for me. Any ignorant conspiracy c**p (including something as SEEMINGLY innocuous as flat earthing it) tells me that you are not intelligent enough or educated enough to recognize that someone with a PhD, whilst not always right about everything, of course, is still FAR more qualified to provide answers to questions in their specialty than YOU are, unless you are also a specialist in said field. Then argue away, of course. But you won't argue like these ignorant tossers tend to. Immediate red flag. No, immediate stop sign.
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Linda 2 years ago
Exactly. And it's not "just politics" - it's basic morals and human decency, and I can't be with someone who has none. Not "won't." CAN'T.
Upstaged75 2 years ago
Amen! Or I guess Heck Yeah since I'm not religious! :)
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Tams21 2 years ago
Add flat earthers, antivaxxers or similar for me. People don't have to agree on everything but an understanding of reality the absolute minimum.
DD 2 years ago
Flat earthers are always good for a laugh. I've always enjoyed watching gymnastics, even if they are mental, at least if they involve such benign issues.
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Claire Bear 2 years ago
I’m in Scotland/ no Tories, no homophobes, no transphobes, no racists, no misogynists. That’s my dating profile
Gardener of Weeden 2 years ago
WE just have a NO republican rule... if you can even think about supporting ANY of those people... WE want NOTHING to do with you.
Upstaged75 2 years ago
I think people are misreading your post. Gardener is saying they are AGAINST racists and homophobes.
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Marilyn Russell 2 years ago
And it sure is disturbing when your “partner” of many years starts saying weird intolerant c**p. You’re like who is this person I married? My husband sent me a link last week to a parole hearing for Charles Manson wanting me to watch it because he was speaking some truths and was his new hero - someone to aspire to and admire. I was like, WTF? Look up to a rambling nonsensical sociopath? Claims he was pulling my leg, and who knows? He does play pranks, especially when he’s drunk or high.
Wysteria_Rose 2 years ago
I don't know why but my first boyfriend had a lot of homophobic traits and I just thought it wasn't a big deal. Now I cringe at all of the stuff he said and I just rolled my eyes about it. Definitely not okay and downright unnerving how awful he really was.
To gain more insight on this topic, we reached out to UK-based Dating and Relationships Coach Rachel New, who was kind enough to have a chat with us about why it's so important to know our boundaries when dating. "We all have to live within our capacity. So if you know you can’t cope with being talked to when you’ve just got in from work because it will stop you winding down, then there is no point in just putting up with it," she told Bored Panda. "If we get depleted, our relationship will suffer. Or if your partner or new date has children and you don’t, you will need to carefully manage your capacity to care for others and for yourself."
"We must also protect our sense of autonomy when we are dating, so we continue to feel empowered," Rachel continued. "Set nights and times for dates and for messaging in between dates are better for our mental health than it being unboundaried, which creates uncertainty."
#3
Please do not make me make all of the decisions.
I don't know what I want to eat. I don't care what we watch. Can you please make these decisions 50% of time?
I make decisions all day at work and I just....can't all the time at home.
Ines Olabarria-Smith 2 years ago
If I say “whatever” I mean it. Don’t worry, I won’t complain later.
Linda 2 years ago
But that still makes your partner have to do the mental labor of choosing and making it happen. If you're not doing your part half the time, or doing something else to make up for it, it's a d**k move.
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Tracy Wallick 2 years ago
It's called decision fatigue, and especially in hetero relationships women tend to do the overwhelming majority of the emotional labor (thinking about and planning the things that keep a household running smoothly); having to make all the decisions, especially if there's a man in our life who has to be told what to do like a child, is f*****g exhausting.
kath morgan 2 years ago
Some people think they are being nice by making you do all of the planning.
kay s. 2 years ago
it's exponentially worse when partner is on a special diet, wants me to offer suggestions, then rejects every single suggestion bc "i'm on a diet, i can't eat that". then YOU tell ME what you want!! arggh
Lisa Crow 2 years ago
If your partner is on a special diet, THEY need to be the one to make 90% of the suggestions because it's THEIR diet, that THEY should know and care all about.
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Holly Benedict 2 years ago
At one point my bf made it clear he didn't like making decisions either but understood that by the end of the day my ability to make decisions for myself about what I want was fully spent. So instead of asking for me to tell him what I wanted, he asked for me to tell him what I didn't want . Instead of "what would you like to do together?" " Anything"; it was "what don't you feel like doing tonight?" "I don't want to play any scary games today." I didn't know what I wanted but I could at least offer what I didn't feel like so the options were narrowed down.
Manic Mama 2 years ago
It's taken 20 years, but when I come home from work and tell my family "I'm decisioned out" they know what I mean.
Heather 2 years ago (edited)
Honestly, I don't care if someone literally means they will eat dog food when they say "whatever." Contribute in all the ways you can. If I can think of something then so can you. It's exhausting to have someone shrug when it gets time to figure out a meal, or they stand there like a 2 year old with two shirts in hand asking which one you think they should wear because, "I just want to look good for you." How about when you go to the store and they say they need deodorant and when you ask what kind they look confused and say "I don't care, whatever you think smells best." Yeah, all that? It's work. And if you don't think it is, then why aren't you doing it? Stop being lazy and pretending it's for someone else's benefit. Do your part. Otherwise you are just adding to someone's work load. That's not love. It's manipulation.
MG Lorange 2 years ago
You know, to whom ever came up with the title of this thread, These are not cruel, these are boundaries and they are healthy!
Linda 2 years ago (edited)
"Cruelty masked as humor" is one of the things a woman posted here as a dealbreaker, MG. It's currently number one at the top. She was talking about when someone is mean to their partner, then says "It was just a joke!" That "cruelty masked as humor" isn't aimed at the things women are posting here.
Load More Replies... #4
I have pets and you have not just tolerate them but also enjoy them. If you can’t stand my dog cuddling you or the tortoise begging for a banana then nope.
Jana Spreemann 2 years ago
First time my boyfriend came to my place, He spent all evening bonding with my cat. They are Best buds now.
penguin 2 years ago
same here. my cat was greeted first, she was spoiled with treats, cuddled and when he went home I had to remind him to say goodbye to me too. 😼
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Rens 2 years ago
When I came out of a very unpleasant abusive relationship, I was very wary of men; I met somebody and I liked him but I didn't trust my own judgment; when I introduced him to my cat, she was besotted with him, she was all over him, purring like mad. She didn't even do that with me. I knew then that he was a good guy and we went on to have three wonderful years together until he died. Now my cat is helping me through the grieving process.
D. Pitbull 2 years ago
Pretty much... dated someone who was 'iffy' about my dog... and proceeded to be visibly annoyed and miserable whenever she was around... when walking the dog he would spontaneously tell passersby "SHE's the dog person. I don't like them"... yeeah... that was not good. Next relationship... I straight up said "If you make me choose between you or my dog? My dog's been more faithful, loyal and with me longer than any S.O... I will not be choosing you over her."
Just me, myself, and I 2 years ago
Save yourself and your dog the aggravation. Kick him to the curb now.
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lana del rey obsessed <3 2 years ago
my ex tried to kick my cat!! i kicked her out of the house and broke up with her reaaal quick
Angela Darling 2 years ago
I don't trust a person that doesn't like dogs! But I trust a dog when it doesn't like a person!
Ian Reynolds 2 years ago
I am not an animal lover, I don't like dogs or cats, but if this is the factor that puts you off me then maybe you are not the person for me also. People who make a decision on a persons whole persona on one factor are also, in my opinion, pretty one dimensional.
DD 2 years ago
It's not a one dimensional view. It's that you wouldn't be accepting that person as that person is. Animal lovers typical will always want animals around. If you don't enjoy that, then one of you will never really be happy. It's simply a matter of not being compatible. You could say the same thing about racism, homophobia, or even how clean you each keeps your home.
Load More Replies...We also asked Rachel about the best ways to learn these boundaries we need to set when dating. "It’s good to keep a record and reflect on past relationships and dates, so we know what tips us over the edge," she shared. "But in a new relationship, new challenges may just come up that we can’t predict as they can be very specific! So then we should take some time to think about whether it was the 'last straw' when we were already dealing with lots of other things or whether it is going to affect us every time."
"We can also think about what the challenge represents," Rachel added. "An example might be when your partner tells you 'You’ll be fine' when you are feeling under the weather and don’t want to go out. They might be trying to be supportive by using positive and optimistic language, but you might hear it as dismissive and that they don’t really understand how awful you feel."
#5
someone who runs tests on me to see where i stand in the relationship instead of communicating (ex. not talking to me all day to see if ill notice or reach out)
Randy Klefbeck 2 years ago
Has wrecked a few of mine. Mind reader I am not.
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Candy Sheppard 2 years ago
Texting my husband and he never checks his texts. Gee why would I be upset? I remembered something I wanted from the store that you are in and you blew me off
Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
After about a week of not being spoken to, I told my ex I really enjoyed not having to listen to his whiny little b*tch voice & could he please keep it up for another week or two? Suddenly he wants to have a "discussion". I turned around and ignored him for at LEAST a week. Yeah, play stupid games - get stupid results.
#6
If you get a chance to say your opinion without me speaking, then I do too.
That means I get to speak without you talking over me, changing the subject, or not paying attention.
Jennifer_Crowley_Luci 2 years ago (edited)
One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is being talked over... If you don't care to hear what I'm saying, why should I care about what's coming out of your face hole?
Upstaged75 2 years ago
LOL, face hole just cracked me up for some reason.
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Beth Stubblefield 2 years ago
My guy talked right over me in front of two cashiers last week. I was talking to them… words literally coming out of my mouth and he bowled me down to flirt with them. I was so pissed, pretty sure I’m still angry about it.
Jacqueline Wells 2 years ago
With my husband it's, " If I don't say it when I think of it I'll forget." . Does it to his mother, aunts, me, daughter, NEVER other guys.
Tamra 2 years ago
You definitely can! I broke up with my entire family. Best decision I ever made.
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When it comes to how we should approach these boundaries with a new partner, Rachel says, "It can be difficult to judge whether to try and get used to a challenging behavior in a new partner, because sometimes it’s just that we don’t like change or it triggers a memory of someone else behaving like that or it isn’t a familiar way of behaving. For example, in some cultures it’s considered rude to say thank you to your family for cooking you a meal, but in others it’s rude NOT to! So you might react to this as an unfamiliar behavior that represents rudeness, but once you get used to it, you won’t get triggered."
"Often our boundaries involve differences in habits that come from our upbringing, such as cleaning and tidying habits, communication habits, organizing habits and so on," Rachel noted. "So don’t assume yours is the only or the best way. Discuss your different approaches with the aim of understanding your partner better."
#7
I can't be the only person willing to make effort like always going to see them or always doing all the planning.
D. Pitbull 2 years ago
Yeah.. learned this one right quick... "hey, look, we're dating, right? Yet.. it reeeally feels like you just don't care enough to be around me... you're really apathetic about even talking to me..." - find out a few weeks later, hey, that was EXACTLY it! Possibly the most useless human I'd ever met...
Upstaged75 2 years ago
This goes for friend relationships too. If I have to initiate everything are you really my friend? It should go both ways. There are several people who are no longer in my life because of this.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
Just be aware that sometimes life gets in the way. Too much work, got a new partner, got new kids, poor health, depression. There can be a ton of reasons for people to get busy and stop making contact even if they'd be happy to see you.
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detective miller's hat 2 years ago
Wasted over 2 years of my life in a relationship like that. Never again.
Tracy Wallick 2 years ago
THIS. This right here is what ultimately led to my divorce; I was pulling all of the weight (financial, emotional, etc.) while he only seemed to remember I existed when he wanted something from me.
Marilyn Russell 2 years ago
Yeah, I’ve had a few relationships like that. Turns out they aren’t that into you…
Sally Close 2 years ago
I have family like that. Only see my brother if I go to them. Annoying as hell
kay s. 2 years ago
i think it's all about what you're willing to accept in a relationship. if you're BOTH ok with the ratio of giving/receiving, then you're golden. if one party is not ok with the ratio, it's time to re-evaluate. ex: i'm willing to make it work if my partner and i flip flop between 40-60/40-60. anything beyond this ratio will result in words and a re-balancing of our relationship. but some people are ok with 70/30, 80/20, etc. it has to be ok on both sides to work, no matter what the ratio is.
#8
This is definitely a small boundary, but really insidious: when my opinions/likes/recommendations, basically any bid for sharing an interest, are ignored. But when one of their male friends share the exact same opinion/likes/recommendations, it’s like he’s hearing it for the first time and they suddenly are interested.
Example—
Ex-BF: Oh hey, my friend Sam just introduced me to this awesome band, check them out!
Me: I literally have been listening to this band on our car rides and talking about them to you for months.
This happened time and time again with shows I wanted to watch, music I’d been listening to, or books I’d been reading. It’s like I became an accessory whereas his friendships became his true source of meaningful connection.
Joey 2 years ago (edited)
Many men do this because they truly see women's opinions and interests as unworthy, uninteresting and unimportant. Even when it's their partner. She's a woman, so she only has value as someone who fulfill his needs. Whatever she thinks about anything or suggests doesn't matter. Only men have a real say and only men's opinions are respected. A lot of men who do this claim to not be sexist at all. It's beyond sad and really toxic.
D. Pitbull 2 years ago
ohh.. this is not a small thing... this is just incredibly insulting (in any relationship... SO, friend, anyone you hang with frequently). It means that you're there for a headcount, and they don't give a flying f**k about you as a person. At best you're a tool (used for: rides, living 'for-show' friend at events so they're not alone, alibi, etc.).
Angela Darling 2 years ago
when they don't take an interest in what you're saying, but listen to their friends = they're using you for sex.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
I'd assume it's because they don't trust their partner's taste. Maybe they assume "Oh she just watches rom coms and I hate them". I think in a situation like that simple communication fixes it. "You know I hate rom coms." "It's not a rom com. It's a zombie movie." "Oh cool!"
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Jeremy James 2 years ago (edited)
My partner is a little like this, but with most other people too and regardless of gender. Over the years, I've learned to just lay things in his path that I know he'd like and wait for him to discover them "on his own." Or gently steer him towards an idea so he can have it himself and get excited.
Simple Yaki 2 years ago
This is same with my Ex, when I said he need more water because I know he was dehydrate, all he said that he doesn't want to drink because he don't wanna to go to toilet. Even once he only drink a cup in a day and I explained he need more water but ignore me. At one moment me and him meet his friend and he told his friend about his habits, his friend told the exact word as I said before that he is dehydrate, after we come home he suddenly drink a lot of water even the days after.
Just me, myself, and I 2 years ago
My husband of 40 years will occasionally do this and I call him out on it big time, so he knows how infuriated I am. I'll be talking loudly (but not shouting) and waving my arms around. But otherwise he's a great guy!
Hugh G. Beef 2 years ago
There was an episode of Modern Family where Claire lost her sh*t with Phil bc of this very same thing
Rachel also shared some tips for how to convey these boundaries effectively to our partners. "It’s a good idea to use exploratory language such as 'When you do/say this, I feel …' and 'I’ve been thinking about my reaction to you doing/saying … and I wonder if it’s because … What do you think?' You can also say 'In this situation, I have these needs. What are your needs in this situation? I want to find a way to balance both of our sets of needs. Do you have any ideas?'"
"Often people go straight for 'You’re lazy' or 'You hurt me' or something else that is critical or accusatory because they have let their emotions build up," Rachel explained. "Take some time to mindfully consider your reactions – including thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations – and where they might originate. Ask yourself when else you have felt like this."
#9
I don't want to be the only person planning dates. I want you to *want* to do things with me, even if they're not my cup of tea - you enjoying them and wanting me to be there is enough to make it my cup of tea.
Greiland Norfölk 2 years ago
Even if it's going to a concert or festival or something else that may not be your style, just try. Go once. If you really don't like it, at least you showed you care enough to try out something your partner likes and enjoys. If however you do end up liking it, now you can share that interest
#10
Lies, even about small things, are a hard no from me.
I know so many people who think it's no big deal if someone lies about their age, height, job, etc. on a dating app. But I realized it's a big deal to me.
D. Pitbull 2 years ago
I get this. I mean purposeful they-know-they-are-lying kind of lies. Cheaters too... by being best bros/bffs/in any close relationship-of-choice with someone who frequently and openly does these things, you're telling everyone "Hey, I totally approve of this behaviour. I'm cool with it". So you're all too willing to date that person who you know is cheating (and no, they're not separated, they're not even discussing separation)... and what exactly makes you believe they're going to be faithful to you?
Fabian Bernard 2 years ago (edited)
In general, I don't trust cheaters. If a person is willing to lie to his/her loved ones, how will he/she acts towards people without sentimental implications ? I mean coworkers, friends, newly met persons or business partners. A cheating friend or coworker is a big ''No'' for me
Marilyn Russell 2 years ago
I’d they lie about “small” things, who’s to say they aren’t lying about bigger things. Or won’t in the future? What kind of foundation is that relationship going to be on. Yikes! Now I just remembered that my friend who about to be going thru a breakup with her husband, told me that he ended up being much older than he claimed to be when they met online but she ignored that later. Now he’s got a side piece he thinks she doesn’t know about. Things may get nasty but she will keep it civil for her son’s sake and make sure she is lawyered up.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
I mean there are small, white lies like "yes I like that dress" that are acceptable. But I can't imagine lying about stuff on a dating profile is small stuff. Especially something like age, height or appearance which will be blatantly obvious the moment you see each other in person. And that includes the "It is a photo of me, it's just from 20 years and 100 pounds ago". I don't care if people think I'm shallow but if I turned up to a date and you looked nothing like your profile pic I'd walk out straight away.
dinoz71 2 years ago
When I was still dating (2004-05), I met my wife on Match. It was not cool then .. I can't tell you how many women would do this. 20yr old photo of trying to hide their weight. My wife told me that men do this too. Just show me who you are and I will decide. Or they want to essentially remain pen pals for months. I feel that they believe "once they get to know me, it won't matter because they will love me." I always tried to meet people within a couple of weeks. Who waste both our time? I also went thru single dates. They never made it to date #2. Just didn't want to be lied to or strung along. We like what we like. I was on the other end as well. It sucks. But, that's dating.
Load More Replies... KnightOwl 2 years ago
Yep, I grew up with a narcissistic sociopathic brother who was a compulsive liar and literally couldn't tell the truth about anything, he ruined my life in so many ways. Now I refuse to have any liars in my life, my friends know never to lie to me and I've ended long term relationships because of what others see as 'insignificant lies'. As far as I'm concerned even small lies show a lack of respect and often lead to more lies to cover up the original lie. Just be honest, it's not hard. Even if it's something you think might hurt my feelings or something I don't want to hear.
I just work here 2 years ago
I can't tolerate lying! I was in a relationship with a liar. Never again!
Veronika Bartáková 2 years ago
Yes! Like when someone needs to lie about little things, you can't trust them in important ones.
Finally, Rachel recommends we remember to give our partners the benefit of the doubt. "It’s best to assume your partner has a very good reason for behaving as they did, rather than assuming they are out to annoy or hurt you! Your aim is then to find out what they were thinking or why they behaved as they did."
If you'd like to gain more advice on your love life from the relationships and dating expert, be sure to visit Rachel New's website right here!
#11
Please respect my TV and movie tastes. Don't have to like the same shows/genres, but if I am watching something and you don't like it or aren't into it, maybe stfu? Do something else? 🤔
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
Just as long as it goes both ways. And if you know I'm not into a genre, then don't try to "convert me".
Load More Replies... Charley128 2 years ago
I agree with one exception. If you like so-called reality TV, then we don't fit together. No hard feelings either.
Marilyn Russell 2 years ago
Yeah, my husband will come into the room when I’m watching something and enjoying it, and make some comment about is it almost over because it looks boring/or a chick flick, or whatever. Makes me stop wanting to see the rest. Yet I sit through the c**p he chooses.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
Fair is fair. Just walk out on what he's watching and go do something else. Come back about 10 minutes before it's over and ask the same question he uses just sub out "chick flick" for "mindless action" or whatever he's watching.
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Mary Mosher 2 years ago
I have a husband who will walk in the room ... look at what I'm watching ... and literally pick up the remote and change it. At best, I might get "oh, you're not watching that, are you?" Makes me furious, and he's starting to learn it's not a good idea.
Margaret Zahn 2 years ago
I'm the same way. I'm in my 30s and some of my most favorite movies are classics from the 40s and 50s (which are some of these are way better than modern movies). TV shows, I mainly watch true crime and crime procedurals.
Susan Widomski 2 years ago
DON'T try to make someone else like your tastes or you to like theirs. It doesn't work. Trust me on this.
#12
Travel and vacation compatibility. I don't want to take cruises or sit on a beach, getting drunk and sunburned. And someone who does want to take vacations like that would probably find me an insufferable travel partner in return.
Fabian Bernard 2 years ago
Had this in my twenties. My student girlfriend. Like, ''No, we won't wake up at 10 , we have to go visiting this and that, must see this etc'' during a trip in Turkey I paid for. Told her as I was the one working 6 days a week and providing the money home so she can study with a peaceful mind ( no issue for me) , I needed rest and a good break.I'm OK with equity on the activities, but damn, I won't wake up earlier than when I work just to visit a few sites packed with tourists ! Ended up dumped a few months after her graduation, with the words : " What's your project ? Being a flowerist while I have a PHD?" Love makes you blind sometimes
Bart 2 years ago
Right in the guts Fabian, my ex told me, after 3 years in uni while I was providing for her, since she has a master degree now her plans in life upgraded and I couldn't be part of that. It was the one good decision in that relationship she took in the end :-)
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Sally Close 2 years ago
I so agree! I can stay at home and go to beach/get drunk etc. if I'm travelling I want to see things
Weasel Wise 2 years ago
This is REALLY important. It blows my mind when I hear someone mention they went on a vacation and they never left their resort. Or packing three suitcases for one week away from home. On the contrary, I've had people squeal in pain when I mentioned backpacking for 3.5 months with literally only the clothes on my back.
Upstaged75 2 years ago
And it blows MY mind that you'd want to do that rather than sit on a beautiful beach and read a book. Everyone is free to do what makes them happy - no judgement allowed. :)
Load More Replies... Marleina Hershberg 2 years ago (edited)
Who the hell said you have to drink alcohol, or not use sunblock?? Lmfao
Randy Klefbeck 2 years ago
Vacations sometimes marked the beginning of the end in more than one of my relationships. Stress in a different environ and capatability of interest doomed them what was already there.
Hugh G. Beef 2 years ago
This applies to non-romantic relationships for me as well. Traveling with a friend can be a make-or-break situation, at least for a bit
Michelle 2 years ago
So much this. The last ex and I went to Mexico and I told him IM GOING TO RELAX NOT PARTY. the entire time he’s doing a yeah me too. Then every night there he’s trying to get me to go party and I would say NO I’m here to relax. Then the last night I wasn’t feeling good at all to the point I was thinking of calling the resort medic and he b!tched at me that this is BS we haven’t partied the entire trip and it’s HIS (not ours but suddenly just about him) last night and he’s gonna party and walked out after I said I was having really bad stomach pains and think I might need the doc. Luckily I held out and a couple hours later it subsided. He also b!tched that I would just lounge pool side (cause he hates the ocean and only wanted the swim up bar) and how I needed to play water polo and do all the things because that’s how he felt a vacation should be. Luckily when other couples showed up and he tried to b!tch to the guys they shut him down fast saying if that’s how we vaca that’s OK
Just me, myself, and I 2 years ago
Compromise. Still on the same vacation so seeing each other daily, but you do your thing and SO does their thing and you'll both have interesting things to talk about over dinner! Frequently those things will overlap and it's great. That's what my husband and I do and it works out fine. My only refusal is golf trips with the guys (long weekends, not Scotland). He does those alone.
#13
Silent treatment. I get needing a little bit of time and space to process, but when a reaction to a disagreement is the full on silent treatment instead of mature communication, that’s a nope for me.
S Schmidt 2 years ago
The silent treatment is basically a silent tantrum. People who do this can't handle it when they realise you actually like it when they stop speaking.
Teatime Thots 2 years ago (edited)
As someone who does need some space to figure out how I feel and how to respond, I understand the need that some of us have to take some space. But I always TELL the person that I'm going to take some space. And I almost always do it pretty calmly. I literally say something like "We are both too upset to talk right now. This conversation is going nowhere right now. I need some time to sort through my thoughts and feelings, so just give me a day." THEN if they refuse, or keep pushing it, I simply hang up/leave the situation. And I TAKE THAT DAY. I've told you I'll be taking it, and I WILL take it. That's not the same thing as the silent treatment whatsoever. That's me making sure I've had time to parse what happened, sufficiently calm down, and craft a civilized response so we can pick up the conversation in a healthy way.
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LesAnimaux 2 years ago
the silent treatment is a normalized form of emotional abuse. I've read: you're basically telling someone "if you do something that upsets me, you no longer exist."
ILoveMySon 2 years ago
Unfortunately, family members can do this as well. Ugh.
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Randy Sanders 2 years ago
It can also be a break in the action so that you don't say something you haven't thought through, and would later regret.
Fabian Bernard 2 years ago
Totally my mom sadly. Can only gruntle for 48 hours period. Took my distances as soon as I could
Holly Benedict 2 years ago
The silent treatment does more harm than good. How the hell is a person supposed to understand what they did wrong if you don't talk about it. But it goes both ways. Not only do both have to be willing to talk but also to listen and to be open to seeing things from the other person's perspective. Not everything is a personal attack sometimes it's just poor communication.
Marilyn Russell 2 years ago
Yes, mature adults talk issues through. Like adults. My husband can be ridiculous like this so it has gotten to the point where I pick and choose what is most important to talk about, and leave so much else out because it just isn’t worth the tantrums.
Upstaged75 2 years ago
I had several coworkers at a former job who would do that rather than tell you why they were upset about something. SO immature. Last time I checked we were all adults.
#14
Please put your phone down and enjoy this present moment with me.
Marilyn Russell 2 years ago
My husband will be on his phone all the time, texting other people while not telling me what’s going on I should know about and if I do it, he tells me to put the phone down.
J 2 years ago
Please allow me space/time to stim (slow down my brain with a soothing repetitive activity) which I sometimes do with phone games or mindless scrolling. Don’t criticize my activity - but please tell me you’re craving some connection and intentional presence together, because I know I can get lost in myself sometimes but that doesn’t mean I don’t love spending time with you. Tell me what you need, not what I’m doing wrong. I promise I’ll accommodate because you’re my person.
DD 2 years ago
I understand your point but you're also asking them to do for you what you should be doing for yourself. Maybe you (or me as I'm guilty of similar activity) need to make the effort to actually seek out what the other needs rather than expecting them to chase after us. Sometimes merely being together is enough and the mindless scrolling is ok but often times I hear "I didn't want to interrupt what you were doing". They, wanting to be considerate of me, will often just let me scroll away.
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Jordan Miller 1 year ago
Yup. Also, If you start doing the phone thing, so will I (or read a book) and will not engage when you suddenly want attention.
Tommy DePaul 1 year ago
No matter who or where it is, when the phone comes out, I leave. NEXT!
#15
As much as we rib each other in private, we never do so in public. Also, if someone makes fun at either one of us, the other one doesn't participate in the roasting nor the laughing.
We learned this the hard way.
Charley128 2 years ago
No one puts down my GF, not unless they want a torrent of biting sarcasm.
DD 2 years ago
This is similar to how families interact. We fought like absolute enemies in private but we were united against the world outside of the home. Marriages (and other such relationships) means while we joke around in private, we also understand it's kidding around. It's embarrassing to have your SO join in your mockery. You expect your SO to be on your side. When they aren't, it makes it difficult to trust them and be fully open with them. . You tend to become guarded even in private as anything you say or do may become public knowledge.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
I think they should clarify their "makes fun at either one of us" statement. I think it's perfectly fine to poke harmless fun at someone, especially if they're a close friend. There is a difference between say, a gust of wind ruffling your skirt and a friend making a joke about Marilyn Monroe, and you eating a second helping of pie and someone calling you Porky Pig.
Tommy DePaul 1 year ago
Disparaging your partner, especially in front of others = end of relationship. Even "just" rolling your eyes. There is research on this.
Amberlie Mikelsen 2 years ago
"Nobody hurts/makes fun of my (insert relationship here) but me!" (Either accompanied or immediately followed by a solid right hook to the jaw (or whatever I happen to be able to reach)) (yes, this is usually reserved for the bullies in school in regards to your siblings, but it works for all relationships)
#16
I do not like when people mock me when I make mistakes or drop things. I have had a lot of abusive relationships in the past, and my parents were really verbally abusive.
Summer Woodsong 2 years ago
Actually, no one needs to be treated this way. It's not funny, informative or educational.
Kristina Leon 2 years ago (edited)
Does it matter? Are people with disabilities, illnesses, effects of aging/being extremely young and uncoordinated, or otherwise more prone to dropping things....more acceptable to make fun of?
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Bree Piper 2 years ago
Me. I have a very thin skin, and do not take teasing or embarrasment well. Deal with it or go away.
Becky Samuel 2 years ago
Wow. Maybe read his follow up comments and then contemplate your own knee-jerk misandrist overreaction to yourself for a while.
Load More Replies... ravenhorse 2 years ago
Recovering from trauma is not the same thing as having 'insecurities'
Load More Replies... #17
Dismissal of feelings. You don't care how I feel? You therefore can't care about me. It plants the seed of doubt.
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
yep If I raise an issue don't just pretend I'm being unreasoable. Men are told to speak up about feelings. But when we do, we get told we're ranting/being unreasonable. Fine? I will then just keep quiet and let the resentment build as per the stereotype.
kelliewhyte_85 2 years ago
See this is what annoys me (and I'm not talking about you personally, your point is one million percent valid) both exes have mainly the same issues but you get so many of both sexes pretending it only happens to them. When women speak up about how they feel, we're told we're "nagging"
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Angie Wakefield 2 years ago
My OH would hit me 'playfully'. When I complained that it hurt I was told 'No it didn't. I barely touched you, I'm only playing'. What right does someone have to tell someone else how much something hurts? I'm too damn old to be rough housing. Don't hit me AT ALL!!
Tris Hunt 2 years ago
I seriously get this. My brother does it to me, and I have a sensitive body. Yet, everytime he lightly taps my arm, and I say it hurts, he gets annoyed saying what your OH would say and then say I'm too sensitive. It's freaking irritating. I just wonder how many times it needs to be said to someone that we don't like being hit, doesn't matter if it's 'playful' 🙄.
Load More Replies... Susan Widomski 2 years ago
Sadly, I am breaking up because again and again my thoughts and feelings aren't counting. Unfortunately, my thoughts and feelings saved this person many times in the past year. I do not ever want to hear 'whatever' again. Destroyed.
#18
Please don't talk to me for 15 minutes after I wake up, and please don't ask me questions for 30 minutes.
My brain is still smooth and hasn't gone online yet.
rob 2 years ago
doesn't seem like a very reasonable demand though. basically just saying "shut up in the morning until I'm ready to talk"
CrazyKnitter 2 years ago
I think that it's totally reasonable. I also can't function well just after I get up and anything said to me will just be immediately forgotten, not due to malicious intent, but I just don't register it.
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Nihil Supernum 2 years ago
People seem to be really blowing this one out of proportion? It just seems like they very much aren't a morning person, and have some problems functioning for a half hour or so. Might be a bit of coffee dependency possibly, but either way it's not like they are saying they act like a monster or anything, just that they aren't very present for a while after waking. Most people who are sleepy won't be great conversationalists, no?
Charley128 2 years ago
Could I just wish a "Good Morning" and then blessed silence for the appropriate period?
Fabian Bernard 2 years ago
Seems legit to me. I'm like a bear untill I hadn't have a mug of coffee, so is my SO.
pelemele 2 years ago (edited)
@Thenatural : uh, why a red flag? In fact I'm pretty much like that in the morning, I don't like talking and I don't like being talked to. Not with some bizarre aim of trying to control the other or whatever, but just because my brain is still so stuck in sleep that I don't understand anything. I have to make a big effort to get into elaborate communications. xD
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Matt Smith 2 years ago
You never know if they're trying to say/ask about something important, though. Something that might not be able to wait 15-30 minutes...
DD 2 years ago
You won't get much of an understandable response from me until I have accepted I have to actually get up. My brain is going to be in the "we're going back to sleep" mode and I wont comprehend much of anything until that dreaded acceptance kicks in. My SO has said things to me before that point that I didn't recall later because my brain wasn't in listening mode. Anybody that thinks they are in "I'm as focused the instant I wake up as I am any other time" is simply fooling themselves.
miameows 2 years ago
lol, my poor husband. I wake up and I am a stream of conciousness babbler until I go back to bed.
DD 2 years ago
Well, having looked in the mirror and realized who you are, also realize your husband has seen that same person and is still with you. There is no perfect person. There can be the perfect person for you, or him, or me, etc. Sounds like he accepts however you are and that's what makes a good relationship.
Load More Replies... KnightOwl 2 years ago
Yes! When I'm forced to stay in a house with other people I always tell them this the night before but they always do the opposite and start trying to having big long complicated conversations with me the second I open my eyes. I just refuse to engage and walk away mumbling that I'm still sleeping and basically refuse to acknowledge them until I've had time to wake up.
#19
This applies for both friendships and romantic relationships for me, sometimes even family:
I consider it a red flag, or an orange flag when I see that people are into gossip.
Gossiping is normal, but when I notice that this person has nothing else to offer but gossip- to the point where almost 70-80% of the conversation revolves around gossiping I'll be wary of the person.
It's an ick. Especially when the things they talk about could be considered malicious or slanderous about the person/subject.
It immediately gives off a vibe that the person I'm talking to isn't someone safe.
Hawkmoon 2 years ago
And if that person talks about others like that, you can be sure that they'll talk about you like that too when you're not around.
J 2 years ago
Are they getting pleasure out of another person’s misery or are they genuinely concerned? That’s my litmus test.
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Teatime Thots 2 years ago (edited)
Gossip should be reserved for major tea. If you're ragging nonstop about how someone's top still had the tag attached, you're unglued af
Noelia Jaime 2 years ago
And you'd be correct,because that person who is gossiping about others to YOU is doing the same thing TO you with others.
#20
No looking in each other's phones. I don't have his password; he doesn't have mine. Why? Because our friends haven't given each of us permission to read their conversations with the other.
Mia Black 2 years ago
I have told it friends and others, that I live and share my life and all impact of live with my partner as he does with me so if they want something to be private they have to address this extra. Open communication is the key. All friends thought it was not necessary to explain this but I once met a person who was not happy that I talk with my SO about stuff that is going on in my head. Stuff that is of course about friends too. It helps to evaluate things and sometimes to give friends with problems a better advice or we create together an idea to cheer friends up ...
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
As long as you respect the friends enough to warn them in advance I don't see that as a problem. Out of curiosity if a friend said "I want you to keep this just between us" would you still tell your partner?
Load More Replies... Ian Reynolds 2 years ago (edited)
I agree with this, my phone and my wife's have passwords, but we both know them, she knows that she can pick up my phone and read my messages whenever she likes. And the same for me with her. But we don't because we trust eachother
Just me, myself, and I 2 years ago
Same here. After 45 years together we even use the same password! We're open books (phones?) to each other.
Load More Replies... Upstaged75 2 years ago
I seriously have never been interested in what my SO is doing on their phone. If you don't trust them why are you even in a relationship?
Jus 2 years ago
So important! I've recently felt betrayed when it turned out my intimate conversations with friends were available and read by their partners!
Just me, myself, and I 2 years ago
I learned at a young age never write, txt, record, or say anything you don't want broadcast. Doesn't apply to my husband but does to friends and family.
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Hannah Kirtley 2 years ago
trust is the key. if u cant trust ur SO and instead need to "spot check" their texts and what not. there's other issues
#21
Don’t pick on me. Even if its just minor joking around. I was traumatized by constant picking and bullying by an older brother growing up and i cant handle much light hearted picking/joking nowadays. I will explode
Saint Thomas 2 years ago (edited)
That's actually pretty sad :-/ Because joking around is not a bad thing as such. It's even pretty healthy, I think, and a nice aspect in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I understand that the OP has a trauma linked to that. But they would maybe benefit from working on it with some professional help, because it seems that it makes their life a bit miserable.
Janet C 2 years ago
Joking around is one thing. Making you the "punchline" of some joke is NOT the same. And "I was just teasing/joking" is just an excuse from a schoolyard bully who is now all grown up.
Load More Replies... Charley128 2 years ago
Comedy is based on gentle teasing, but if you make someone feel bad, you're missing the point. You need to tailor it to the person and situation.
Bex 2 years ago
Hard pass. I don't even like watching it done to others because it's 99% bullying, 1% humor. Also never seen it done by anyone who wasn't a jerk, whether blatant or gaslighting style.
Angela Darling 2 years ago
Please seek some therapy for this - it's not going to go away by avoidance.
Summer Woodsong 2 years ago
You don't need to justify your stance - no one deserves to be belittled, challenged or deliberately offended. It's not funny, it doesn't make anyone look good or smarter. This goes all the way back to the old adage, 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.'
Marilyn Russell 2 years ago
You know what? A mature relationship is base on respect. You don’t need to joke around and tease someone to be funny. It’s the lowest form of humour.
DD 2 years ago
Sounds like somebody needs some psychiatric help. Not condemning them but rather recognizing they have suffered to the point it has caused long lasting injury and is causing issues in their life. They need to get some help so they can enjoy life rather than needing to be so defensive and find the need to warn others.
Tommy DePaul 1 year ago
I love to be picked on, and I'll pick on you. Guess we're not compatible.
Janet C 2 years ago
I have a very very low tolerance for "just teasing" b******t. I was the youngest child in the family and the teasing was relentless. I was also the youngest and smallest, but also the smartest, kid in most of my classes. The bullying was relentless. My partner needs to feel 100% safe to me.
kelliewhyte_85 2 years ago
That sounds like a you problem. If you explode on someone who is being nice and lightheartedly joking with you, then YOU'RE THE PROBLEM!!!
#22
Criticizing how I do things. You’re not my parent, my teacher, or my boss. I don’t give a f**k if your way is more efficient or effective. If I need help or advice, I will ask for it. All you’re doing is stealing my joy in the moment to make yourself feel good.
Pittsburgh rare 2 years ago
I appreciate if someone teaches me a better or more efficient way to do things. Not a biggie for me if it comes from a good place.
Charley128 2 years ago
If it comes from a place of gentle suggestion and encouragement, I will appreciate furthering my knowledge on any subject. Criticism, however is a bad road to head down.
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ADJ 2 years ago
Sure, make something longer, using more resources, produce more waste, use more energy to do something in the worst way possible because THIS IS THE WAY YOU DO IT. Totally big red flag for that gal. If someone is not able to accept reasonable criticism, then I would not expect that person to be a good partner.
J 2 years ago
A good partner is also flexible and doesn’t insist on everything being done “not the worst way.” Having your every move scrutinized feels horribly degrading. If you’re constantly disappointed by your partner’s way of doing things, you are the problem.
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Lucy Shupe 2 years ago
BTW, I’m married for 47 years and since he retired he’s been pointing out “subtlety” that the way I wash laundry, cook, bag the garbage, water the lawn or drive isn’t the way he would do it. I snapped and told him you’ve eaten my food, washed your clothes, watered the lawn, etc for over 40 years, I’m not going to do it your way, I’m quite happy doing it my way. I also pointed out what the hell does it matter if it’s getting done (such as watering the lawn). After that discussion, he’s eased up a little bit.
DD 2 years ago
You missed an opportunity. You should have said; don't just tell me, show me. Then let him do all those things until he figured out he'd been played.
Load More Replies... Angela Darling 2 years ago
If you think you're right all the time = you miss opportunities to LEARN!
Duane Ringlein 2 years ago
My late wife would tell me she wants something done, I would then go do it, and when I finished she would say but you didn't do these steps that I would do. I would then ask if the result is what she wanted, and usually she would say yes. I told her if she is comfortable doing all the extra steps, that was great, but for me I thought they weren't needed. We both just had a different approach on how it should be done.
Brent Echols 2 years ago (edited)
As long as skipping the steps (she worked out from doing it before) does not result in more work down the line,..
Load More Replies... DD 2 years ago
Wow, a bit defensive and insecure. There are ways to make suggestions without making a person feel inadequate. There are times I've developed a process that is better than another uses. I make suggestions not because I think I'm better. It's to make their life easier or better in some way. People make suggestions to me as well. If I see value or benefit in their advice, I thank them and incorporate it in my activities. If I don't see value or benefit, I still thank them and let them know I prefer my way. Sharing one's knowledge and experience is what we do with people we like. It helps us to grow.
Brent Echols 2 years ago
Good in general obv, but dynamic can be much different in partners
Load More Replies... kelliewhyte_85 2 years ago
Simple solution: if you hate the way I do it so much, then do it yourself. Obviously giving pointers is good and helpful, but straight up trashing you is just not on.
Chantal Guyatt 2 years ago
I'm a little sensitive to criticism too but a lot of the time it's coming from the right place and the person is doing it to help. Shutting it down before it even happens is unreasonable. Do you do that to your employer, too? If so you'd be out of a job pretty quickly.
#23
I always get downvotes for this one even though it’s a perfectly valid boundary to have, but I no longer date/sleep with people who have a problem with period sex!
It’s fine that some people don’t like it. Completely understandable, actually. Those people are just not compatible with me, though, and that’s fine.
October 2 years ago
Dutch proverb: a true seaman also sails the red sea. (Een echte zeeman bevaart ook de rode zee.)
Fabian Bernard 2 years ago (edited)
You made my day with that one. Now I can't keep seeing Fisherman's Friend Captain ridind his wife
Load More Replies... Sarel Seerower 2 years ago (edited)
As someone who gets periods, that is super gross for me. I like to be clean and look my best. I'll give a bj but don't touch me on my period.
Teatime Thots 2 years ago (edited)
I like this post! I'm actually not ok with period sex, personally, at least during the rage-phase of my period. Because my cervix gets pretty sensitive, and sex can just be weird and uncomfortable. Plus, I hate cleaning up the mess, or anyone else cleaning up the mess. It's just a tender, cranky time for me, and I just want to be left alone in my corner and thrown chunks of chocolate from a safe distance. And I don't even get cranky. I just need space. But I also understand that some people LOVE period sex, and sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker. Full stop.
Michelle 2 years ago
Bahahahaha omg i love ur description. It sounds like I used to be LOL u made my day! Thank u
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Michael Largey 2 years ago
When I was a teen, I always welcomed my girlfriend's periods. They meant she wasn't pregnant.
Just me, myself, and I 2 years ago
This is seriously still an attitude? 45 years ago I never ran into this and I'm surprised it's rolled around again.
Pittsburgh rare 2 years ago
I'm the same! I understand not wanting to do some things but skipping sex altogether because they're grossed out is a no for me. However, l've found very few men who will object it.
#24
Not dismissing my feelings. My SO used to say things like you can choose not to be upset. I told him how much of an a*****e mindset that is. He never used that line again.
Also not messing with my food. My SO used to add sauces and spices to my food without asking me. Sometimes I would say no while he is already pouring and all he would say is "oops already added". I couldn't take it anymore and one time I pushed his hand away while he's pouring sauce over my food, made him spill it and he was slightly annoyed but I just wouldn't back down. I didn't apologise for pushing his hand and I firmly said "I. Said. I. Don't. Want. Sauce" he finally got it and now he asks before adding anything to my food
Linda 2 years ago
Toxic positivity. I f'n hate that c**p. I'm still dealing with having my feelings invalidated as a teenager and I'm in my freaking fifties. Seems I didn't have a right to be angry about my dad dying and the stepfather replacement being a drunk that beat on us. Kids are resilient, right? They're supposed to just get over that sh*t and not trouble adults with their feelings.
Dina Anastasakos 2 years ago
l am so sorry this happened to you. Maybe therapy can help to heal your inner child that is still hurting. Hugs to you.
Load More Replies... kay s. 2 years ago
it's hard for me to watch an adult invalidate someone's feelings, but especially kids. saying things like "don't cry," "it doesn't hurt that bad," or "it's too spicy for you" are HUGE red flags for me. don't tell me how someone else feels. let them cry, let them hurt, let them try new things. it costs nothing to be present and supportive.
LuLuBelle 2 years ago
Letting your child eat something you already know is too hot for them seems cruel to me. That's not invalidating their feelings, that's protecting them from something you know will be unpleasant or possibly painful for them.
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DD 2 years ago
Sorry your spouse was an inconsiderate, over bearing, power mad jerk. Hopefully he has grown enough to make your relationship healthy. I doubt it but I'm not there. People that are as controlling as you describe are usually that way in all aspects of their life. They often are incurable without some drastic event where they realize yes, they are the a*****e in the room and realize they need to change lest they will lose things they don't want to lose.
Charley128 2 years ago
Never would I presume to know what a person likes. I always ask and remember. Just common courtesy and a show of respect for your GF. Or anyone for that matter.
Sandrapocalypse 2 years ago
I'm sorry but I agree with asshat.one or two complaints about what people say or do, ok I will commiserate with you but when it goes on and o,n, there's immaturity there. While you can't control what other people say or do, but you can control how you respond. If you are gonna go "He did this, he said that or she did this or she said that" and complain, I'm sorry I'm out. You can control your response to the things people say and do. I'm gonna dismiss feelings if somebody whines anytime someone does something that bothers them. S**t happens. Move on. .
Amberlie Mikelsen 2 years ago
Too many people these days don't accept "No" as a complete answer, or accept "No" as an answer at all, for that matter. Not only is "No" a complete sentence, it means "No"! Not "No means yes and get lost means take me I'm yours"
#25
Don’t say you’re gonna do something if you’re not going to.
Marilyn Russell 2 years ago
Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Learned that from some wise older person when I was a kid. Along with The Golden Rule.
Starbelly Eleven 2 years ago
I dated a guy years ago who had all these grand plans for his life and a decade later he has done absolutely none of them. We're still on friendly terms and I talk to him maybe once a year. He is still going on about those grand plans but now I know he'll never accomplish them.
Pittsburgh rare 2 years ago
This so much. Sometimes l've heard it was "a spontaneous decision" when left down, but if you've already planned you stick to the plan or apologize PROFUSELY and make up for it.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
I think this depends on two things, what you say you're going to do and the reason you didn't do it. "Not mowing the yard because it was too damned hot" is fine. "Not picking up the kids from school because I thought I'd have a few beers instead" is not.
Michael Largey 2 years ago
Just because a man promises to do something is no excuse for pestering him every six months about it.
A. Starhawk Hunt 2 years ago
If a man says he is going to do something and he hasn't done it for 6 months? You can bet, absolutely, that he is going to hear it from me. Incidentally, I won't take it from a woman either.
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Pittsburgh rare 2 years ago
If you tell yourself something and later don't do it, you're only failing yourself. If you tell someone you're going to do something, do it or don't say anything in the first place. It's basic decency. Too many people don't think before they open their eating hole and end up upsetting or hurting others.
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#26
Don’t annoy me for fun, or because you get a rise out of my reaction. It’s not funny and cute anymore after 9+ years. My STBX does this all the time, he’s like a dog after a bone once I let on that something annoys me. An ongoing one that we’ve had since the beginning is that he deliberately puts empty sauce bottles back in the fridge (eg. tomato/bbq/mustard). Like we’ll use the last of a bottle during a meal, but he sneakily puts it in (as well as the newly opened one). He knows it annoys the absolute s**t out of me but still does it, even though most of the time I just don’t react anymore. I think it gives him satisfaction now, knowing that it annoys me. And it has eroded away my feelings for him.
Olivia Dean 2 years ago
I totally understand that he is probably expressing his internal naughty boy.. but in my experience, when I've had enough in similar circumstances and said pretty much what you have - ie every time you do this I like you less and less and I'm starting to despise you etc.. the shock and horror on their face is starling. Like, I genuinely don't think many men truly listen when we say "please stop doing it, I really don't like it/ find it funny". I think they interact with us like they do their mates - it becomes quite toxic cos we want an equal, not a boy child
Kristal 2 years ago
My dad is like this. He kind of does those fake-out things where he purposely disappoints you then "makes it better". Like, getting me a present that I specifically said I didn't want, but it was just the box and the real present is inside the disappointment box. I had to firmly tell him not to do c**p like that to me, it's not endearing, it hurts cause my brain clings to the negative more than positive (yay depression) so the "oh no it's okay!" part is lost on me, I'm stuck in the hurt that a loved one goes out of their way to give me negative feelings for their amusement. Thankfully, he listened.
Linda 2 years ago
"I'm stuck in the hurt that a loved one goes out of their way to give me negative feelings for their amusement." That is a really great way of putting it.
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pug nose curly tail 2 years ago
I hate when people try so hard to aggravate you and then are shocked when you get aggravated and pisssed!
Kitty Cat 2 years ago
This one is actually a big deal. I had a nasty ex that would purposefully argue, almost venomously argue, for a position he didn't even believe in just because he wanted to upset me. These people are poison. Nobody should have to deal with that useless, petty behavior, and it just stressed people out.
Nay Wilson 2 years ago
My mother used to do that. Not with the sauce bottle but if I asked her not to do something because it bothered me she’d just keep doing it. By the time she died I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as her. If you matter to someone they should care about your feelings
DD 2 years ago
When I first read STBX (many years ago) it was always as part of a story of a horrible relationship. Rather than soon to be ex, I interpreted it as sh*t box. Often times it was just as accurate as soon to be ex. There is nothing wrong with annoying your partner for fun IF it's enjoyed by both. Even when initially it's fun, it can turn to too much quickly. It comes down to mutual respect for each others feelings and caring enough to learn how your partner feels about things.
Lucy Shupe 2 years ago
Another one not throwing away the empty medicine bottles, shampoo bottles or body wash bottles. Pick them up and throw them away.
#27
We need our own chip bowls. No sharing because he ham fists all of the damn chips before I can even get a third one.
Octopus 2 years ago
no its really not. i hate competing for snacks when we could be enjoying the movie!
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K. Johnson 2 years ago (edited)
I’m also married to someone who will, undoubtedly and unintentionally, take ALL of whatever is in the bowl before I can get 3 pieces of whatever it is then he’s like “oops”
Gustav Gallifrey 2 years ago
My wife and i have separate bowls just because it's more convenient. If one of us finishes our bowl before the other, we ask 'would you like some of these?'
Summer Woodsong 2 years ago
We once had a conversation about how much milk he drinks, so there was rarely any left for me. We finally bought 2 gallons, one for me and one for him. He was startled to discover he drinks milk two to three times more than I do. We've been together now for over 30 years, but there is a learning curve on sharing a fridge.
Susan Reid Smith 2 years ago
I eat my chips with chopsticks from my own dish. I don't want someone else's potentially grubby hands in my food.
#28
I refuse to do all the planning. If you can’t plan a date, make the decision on dinner, or be bothered to sort out any f*****g plans? I’m out. I have no desire to date a lazy, uninterested person.
Tracy Wallick 2 years ago
This. You are a grown-a*s adult, you should know without needing to be told like a child what kinds of things need to be done to maintain a household, or plan something. If you want help, that's fine, but women do the overwhelming majority of emotional labor and decision fatigue is real.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
The post doesn't mention gender. And honestly I feel like this cuts both ways, guys feel exactly the same about having to make the decisions about where to go, what to eat, do we go to the movies, or whatever. So in a perfect world, each partner should organise dates. She plans this one, he plans the next.
Load More Replies... Randy Klefbeck 2 years ago
The only issue I have had with this one is, when I do plan and share the plans with you, don't shoot down every suggestion I give, and then say "I don't care, just plan something." Likewise keep an open mind about some outings, instead of complaining the entire time we are on the outing.
#29
I care. Just because it isn't important to you, doesn't mean that it isn't important to me (or vise versa). The boundaries come after that understanding, both by me and by the other person. If the other person is doing things either on purpose or accident that you've explained are annoying it hurtful, then it's either because they want to hurt you, or because they care so little about what you're telling them that they don't remember/care what you said it how you feel. Neither option is acceptable. I'm not saying that mistakes won't slip through, but there is a huge difference between "whoops, let me fix it and I'll try to remember for next time" and "it's such a little thing. Like why do you even care? You're so dramatic. No, you never told me you don't like that"
Charley128 2 years ago
You have my permission, and I add 50 for good measure.
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#30
I won’t be shamed for what I need to do to maintain my best self, including mental health medication. Along those lines, no one has the right to ask if I’ve taken said medication. Feelings aren’t symptoms.
Kitty Cat 2 years ago
I got the feeling they meant "in a discussion or a difference of opinion, or if I'm demonstrating a valid human feeling, do not devalue me or my position by insinuating I just haven't taken my meds." Men do this about women's periods all the time, it's irrelevant, insulting, and is mega-disrespectful. Just checking up on someone you care about and saying "hey, did you take your X this morning?" I don't think that's a problem.
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Chez 2 years ago
Agree but also don't agree. My husband takes medication to help with anger issues and if he hasn't taken them then life becomes unbearable. He stopped taking them for a while to test if he could manage it himself but decided not to tell me. Cue major issues and near divorce before he finally told me. To say that I was unimpressed is an understatement. It nearly destroyed our family because he chose to hide this from me.
Tracy Wallick 2 years ago
Soft disagree on this one. I do think a partner checking in to make sure you took your meds (or whatever you have to do to manage your condition) is a reasonable thing as long as they're doing it out of care and concern, and not as a way to dismiss your thoughts/feelings/behavior.
Mary Kelly 2 years ago
yes, if it's along the same lines as "are you getting your period?"...you know, a complaint in the form of a question....but no if the question is asked in an unheated moment...your health is your partner's business and vice versa
Charley128 2 years ago
As someone with depression and OCD, I think people just want to help but they're not sure what to say. So they think you're feeling bad maybe you've overlooked it.
Angela Darling 2 years ago
Feelings are ABSOLUTELY symptoms for someone on medication! and dismissing THAT fact says you may be on the wrong medication!
Dana Ondráčková 2 years ago
Its ok if They ask if I remembered to take them because They know it could be dangerous without, not using it in an argument or to mock
Cassandra McTaggart 2 years ago
That depends entirely on the people involved. I don't always remember my meds, my daughter will often ask me if she happens to think of it or if I seem to be having a particularly bad day. There are certain communication patterns with her partner and some friends that indicate medication may have been forgotten. So often it will take the form of one question before we continue, have you had your meds? It's not an effort not to have the conversation, but concern for your health in that case.
Carlotta Müller 2 years ago
I check on my fiance very often, cause he is forgetful and is always thankful if I remember him to take his medicine. It is not malicious if I ask. I only know he forgets often, but does not want to forget.
Lady La'Starr 2 years ago
As MH patient... timing is everything...don't ask while we are arguing or having a disagreement. I'll lose my shyt...just because I disagree or see something different doesn't mean I'm unbalanced. A******S!!!
#31
They have to be respectful at night- not turn a bunch of overhead lights on when I already have my moodier lights going before bed or when I’m trying to sleep, or make a ton of noise getting ready for the gym at 4am, or cook smelly food while I’m trying to sleep. They have to stay out of the camera (or better yet the room) when I’m on a work zoom call. They have to speak kindly and respectfully about groups of people that are different from them.
Linda 2 years ago (edited)
They absolutely do. No sarcasm. They sound likethey just expect simple kindness and consideration. You on the other hand, not so much.
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#32
Thoughtful gifts. I don’t mean expensive materialistic things. Just things/experiences you remember me mentioning or being into. Can be from the dollar tree I don’t care about price. But I put so much thought into what I gift people and genuinely try to only gift things I know are special, not just a watch or a pair of shoes. My ex of 3 years bought me concert tickets to HIS favorite band for my Christmas present one year. And included an extra ticket for his brother to come along too. I didn’t know more than 3 songs by this artist and definitely wasn’t a fan. I was so bummed out and tried not to make it seem like a materialistic thing, but my feelings were genuinely hurt that after dating for 3 years he couldn’t think of something special that I’D enjoy. I stuffed my hurt feelings down for a while and of course it came out during an argument months down the line. He was genuinely confused as to why it bothered me and said he thought it would be a fun experience for us to do together. We broke up like 4 months later due to selfish tendencies (go figure) and I moved out.
D. Pitbull 2 years ago
Ah yeah... the pink bowling ball.. (Simpsons ref...). Think for a moment... who is this for... is it for YOU, the receiver of the gift... or is it really for them because they want you to have it/like what they like/think what they think? Even worse... when they give you exactly what you said you **did not want** but they figure you'd like it anyhow because **They** wanted you to have that particular thing.
#33
A weird one but I cannot stand when my husband (used to, I’ve told him I hate it and he’s stopped), tell me what time it was when I was getting ready. Every five minutes “it’s half past, you’ve got 10 minutes left” or whatever. I can manage my own time, I’m a fully functioning adult with a job. My mom also used to do it when I was younger.
Linda 2 years ago (edited)
That's not weird. That's valid. The reason why is in your next to last line: "I'm a fully functioning adult with a job." Doing the time thing is infantilizing you and trying to make you hurry so they don't have to wait. It's gross. And you are right for hating it.
Dina Anastasakos 2 years ago
Agree! Put a stop to this PDQ when my husband started doing it. Just NO.
Load More Replies... censorshipsucks 2 years ago
well then get ready sooner. I hate this s**t. All my partners would do this, not be ready on time. I started lying to them about party time starts and putting it 3 hours before so they have enough time to be inefficient.
#34
Shutting the damn bathroom door when using the bathroom and staying out when I’m using it.
If my partner is hurt or sick then absolutely- I’ll be there in whatever condition. But just peeing with the door open and stuff normally? Can’t do it.
Firstname Lastname 2 years ago
Our bathroom door sticks where you have to put all your weight into it to slam it shut, so if you're in a rush to pee, you can leave it a smidge ajar so that you don't pee your pants arguing with the door. But if you need to poop, you argue with the door.
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
easy to fix. Knock the pins upwards out the hinges. You'll need a hammer and thin screwdriver. Once the door is off, get a hand plane and shave off ¼". JackPlane3...a55929.jpg 
CrazyKnitter 2 years ago
I'm actually the opposite. I'm a human being with human functions and they need to respect that. Not early in the relationship, but if we're having sex, you're going to have to be okay with the rest of my functions as well. And it's totally fine if you don't want that. We are just not compatible.
#35
I’m realizing post baby that I’m really sensitive to other peoples’ moods. I get into Fix It mode then get burned out and exhausted and annoyed that none of my efforts Fixed It (which is fair - despite my best intentions I’m not FIXING what’s wrong exactly)
Anyway. I need to distance myself from my partners feelings and problems. I’m still working on it. I want to find a place where I can listen empathetically and offer support in any way he needs/wants without feeling like I must fix it and/or soaking his bad mood in and making it MY bad mood.
Being a kid from a troubled household’s tough. I didn’t realize til I had a kid and our stress levels skyrocketed that I was carrying this baggage around.
#36
I need a lot of space and independence. I have an unconventional relationship that allows this to work.
Fabian Bernard 2 years ago (edited)
We have very opposite hobbies but always manage personnal free time for each other. I restore mopeds, she likes zumba and Pilate. She hates old grease, I can't stand sport, but we always speak on how our respective sessions have been, as we know that it is important to each other and needed for personnal balance. We also have a free vacation week every year allowing each other to do whatever he wants alone ( a solo travel, partying with friends...) Respect your SO tastes, whatever they are.
Adam Belaire 2 years ago
Don't know about anyone else, but I'm curious about the mopeds you've restored! Do you sell them after or do you have a collection?
Load More Replies... #37
When you mentioned that you want something the way it is and they still do the exact opposite over and over and over… you just wonder if they actually forget it time and time again or just simply doing it on purpose
#38
I am clean, but I am not a neat person and it doesn't add value to my life to stress myself out making my home look like a museum. My husband is neater than me so I keep things at a baseline level but since he cares more about things being pristine than I do, he cleans and organizes more.
#39
He has to be ok I don’t shave Celebrations compatibility - I’m not someone who wants a giant surprise birthday party or who wants to plan one for other people. Nor do I have a meltdown if there’s no Christmas tree. Silent treatment Weaponized incompetence Party boy (super extrovert), heavy drinker / staying in bed until noon on a regular basis Has people over at my/our place a lot Other good ones I’ve seen while scrolling this thread are vacation compatibility and he has to respect whatever TV shows/books I enjoy even if he doesn’t have to like them/watch them with me
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
1. No, I hate hair. It gets stuck between your teeth. TMI I know. 2. Agree. 3. Agree, no with passive aggression. Say "I need time to think" instaed of sulking. 4. Yep, f**k you. 5. Hmmm it depends. If you NEVER do that then you are probably boring, but not every evening and not every friday/saturday. 4. What is "a lot"? To me once a week is reasonable.
#40
Blatantly checking out other women in front of me. I get that people are beautiful and aesthetically pleasing, but if you’re just staring at a fast food workers a*s while we’re at the payment window, it’s gonna take me out of the moment and ruin my mood a little bit.
Fabian Bernard 2 years ago
My SO and I are very open about this. Looking at the menu doesn't mean you gonna eat. We often speak openly when seeing someone handsome, in the term of '' Sure, she/he is cute, but probably not kind and loving as you are '' Often ends up roasting the hot Guy/girl and having a good laugh about that. We love and trust each other so much
Linda 2 years ago
It's not about "loving and trusting" each other. It's about how society constantly tells us women that we are never good enough, so having our SO look at another woman drives that point home yet again and makes us feel not safe with the person who we are supposed to feel the most safe with.
Load More Replies... censorshipsucks 2 years ago (edited)
sounds insecure to me. Looking doesn't mean wanting to f**k. speaking from a male perspective it's instinctive, you don't know you're doing it until someone poitns it out.
#41
Being ignored for games, social media, texting conversations. I understand if it's about their kids, but that's the ONLY exception for me.
#42
Texting all day. I hate feeling obligated to reply all day, especially since I have a 9-5 job. Say good morning, talk about relevant things when they come up. But don’t send me memes and random pictures allllll day
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
i send tons of things but they are generally specifcically curated for the person who gets them, I don't send random stuff. meaning I took the time to think about you.
#43
I do not acknowledge what happens in bathrooms. Pee is okay, but I don't do other stuff in there. Please go along with this. Do not try and catch me on the toilet, or try and tell me how it's important to be comfortable. This is a thing that should never be discussed, ever.
Alex D. Y. 2 years ago
Although I personally don't care about toilet privacy in my relationships with my partners, I agree that if it's your boundary, then it should be respected.
Elain Smith 2 years ago
Nope. This attitude is the reason men still freak out over periods. Do you eat? Yes. Therefore you also poop. Pretending you don't is incredibly immature.
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
on this one I kinda agree. poop is gross. You can joke about it but not involve people you know.
#44
I refuse to be in a long term relationship with someone who doesn’t readily agree to get a vasectomy once we decide we’re done having kids.
Linda 2 years ago
Why should someone have to get major surgery that takes a month to heal from when a vasectomy is a ten minute outpatient procedure that is healed in a week? Really, why?
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What do you think ?
TheDag 2 years ago
I'm gonna put this out there but why the focus on women vs things they hate in men? 90% of the examples given are applicable to both genders and should be promoted for both genders in the idea of promoting healthy relationships. I still don't understand why bored panda "journalists" seem to have this massive push to generally make men feel bad for being them. I used to love coming to bored panda for the insightful articles about cool stuff like art or places i haven't seen and now every time I come to this site I leave feeling just a little worse about myself
pelemele 2 years ago
The problem is that for some time, BP has been trying to make clickbait articles by trying to create oppositions of A vs B most often completely artificial or even totally false as for this article which can apply to both women and men.
Load More Replies...
Stardust she/her 2 years ago
I would find it very hard to date someone when they tell me to shut up. It hurts me a lot and I feel depressed for the rest of the day for some reason. I prefer it if any partner of mine would gently remind me of how loud/talkative I am and ask me to stop talking for a while. I also can’t date someone who doesn’t communicate properly and expects me to do all the guessing .
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
if you are aware you're loud and talkative have you thought about mitigations? I am not loud at all but defo talk too much. I try not to.
Load More Replies... Kristal 2 years ago
Okay so this is a super recent thing for me. One, cause I've only been single recently and two, cause I just started the program. I'm in a PhD program and when I tell guys that are interested in me that I'm in a PhD program, it's a red flag/turn off when they reply "oh, I just do [insert job]". Like, my dude, you don't JUST do anything, you work for an income in an impossible economy, be proud! I find these are the guys intimidated by me. When I make friends, they don't compare at all, they state what they do, they don't belittle their livelihood. So I know it's just guys that are insecure. It's really quite frustrating how many people put themselves down, like, you're financially secure! My finances depend upon writing grant proposals, being enrolled at school (currently), and having to find temporary work that works with a research schedule. Like, man, appreciate your consistency! Lol okay .. it's mostly just a red flag for insecurity and after my ex, I'm done with that
Mad McQueen 2 years ago
I make hubs buy two bags of chips we like. Mostly because he eats over the bag an I don't want mouth chips. And also he pets the cats a lot an sometimes there is fur in the bag. And chip clips don't work so I dump my bag into a ziplock I reuse for chips when it's empty. This way I can get the air out. And see what's left. My name is also on the bag. Lol
Khandnalie E 2 years ago
Literally only one of these things is really only relevant to one sex or the other. Though, I will say, it's absurd how many of these posts are complaining about having a partner that can't plan dates, when men are *overwhelmingly* expected to do most of the planning and effort when it comes to setting up dates. I'd like to ask since if these women when the last time *they* actually put effort into a setting up a date was. When was the last time they planned anything for their partner?
Vira 2 years ago (edited)
That's an interesting perspective. I've experienced the exact opposite. I wonder how much of our perspectives are based on the people we attract into our lives, or possibly sub cultures? Also, I'm bisexual and I've always done all of the planning, regardless of which partner. Actually, thinking as I go, here: I used to have a friend in grade school who would get angry that I didn't do what she wanted, but she also refused to come up with ideas or pick something if I gave her a choice. I've never seen men as having the expectation to plan everything. They are seen as hands off except for maybe a couple dates, and eventually a proposal, in my experience.
Load More Replies... charolette 2 years ago
yeah, i think it was number 20. if you are married there should be no passwords on phones unless both know each others password. in the past 5 years i have seen friends go through hell because of emotional cheating via texts and email. my husband and i have never had passwords on out phones. mainly because we wouldn't remember them! we are 50 and 60 years old and been married for 39 years. i didn't understand my friends that couldn't just pick up their husbands/wife's phone to answer it or to make a phone call. i grab whichever one is closest to me. my husband does the same. remember back in the day when the home only had one phone and it was hooked to the wall??! now it seems that people want to keep their phones locked up. that's fine unless you are a married couple who are supposed to share everything.
TheDag 2 years ago
I'm gonna put this out there but why the focus on women vs things they hate in men? 90% of the examples given are applicable to both genders and should be promoted for both genders in the idea of promoting healthy relationships. I still don't understand why bored panda "journalists" seem to have this massive push to generally make men feel bad for being them. I used to love coming to bored panda for the insightful articles about cool stuff like art or places i haven't seen and now every time I come to this site I leave feeling just a little worse about myself
pelemele 2 years ago
The problem is that for some time, BP has been trying to make clickbait articles by trying to create oppositions of A vs B most often completely artificial or even totally false as for this article which can apply to both women and men.
Load More Replies... Stardust she/her 2 years ago
I would find it very hard to date someone when they tell me to shut up. It hurts me a lot and I feel depressed for the rest of the day for some reason. I prefer it if any partner of mine would gently remind me of how loud/talkative I am and ask me to stop talking for a while. I also can’t date someone who doesn’t communicate properly and expects me to do all the guessing .
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
if you are aware you're loud and talkative have you thought about mitigations? I am not loud at all but defo talk too much. I try not to.
Load More Replies... Kristal 2 years ago
Okay so this is a super recent thing for me. One, cause I've only been single recently and two, cause I just started the program. I'm in a PhD program and when I tell guys that are interested in me that I'm in a PhD program, it's a red flag/turn off when they reply "oh, I just do [insert job]". Like, my dude, you don't JUST do anything, you work for an income in an impossible economy, be proud! I find these are the guys intimidated by me. When I make friends, they don't compare at all, they state what they do, they don't belittle their livelihood. So I know it's just guys that are insecure. It's really quite frustrating how many people put themselves down, like, you're financially secure! My finances depend upon writing grant proposals, being enrolled at school (currently), and having to find temporary work that works with a research schedule. Like, man, appreciate your consistency! Lol okay .. it's mostly just a red flag for insecurity and after my ex, I'm done with that
Mad McQueen 2 years ago
I make hubs buy two bags of chips we like. Mostly because he eats over the bag an I don't want mouth chips. And also he pets the cats a lot an sometimes there is fur in the bag. And chip clips don't work so I dump my bag into a ziplock I reuse for chips when it's empty. This way I can get the air out. And see what's left. My name is also on the bag. Lol
Khandnalie E 2 years ago
Literally only one of these things is really only relevant to one sex or the other. Though, I will say, it's absurd how many of these posts are complaining about having a partner that can't plan dates, when men are *overwhelmingly* expected to do most of the planning and effort when it comes to setting up dates. I'd like to ask since if these women when the last time *they* actually put effort into a setting up a date was. When was the last time they planned anything for their partner?
Vira 2 years ago (edited)
That's an interesting perspective. I've experienced the exact opposite. I wonder how much of our perspectives are based on the people we attract into our lives, or possibly sub cultures? Also, I'm bisexual and I've always done all of the planning, regardless of which partner. Actually, thinking as I go, here: I used to have a friend in grade school who would get angry that I didn't do what she wanted, but she also refused to come up with ideas or pick something if I gave her a choice. I've never seen men as having the expectation to plan everything. They are seen as hands off except for maybe a couple dates, and eventually a proposal, in my experience.
Load More Replies... charolette 2 years ago
yeah, i think it was number 20. if you are married there should be no passwords on phones unless both know each others password. in the past 5 years i have seen friends go through hell because of emotional cheating via texts and email. my husband and i have never had passwords on out phones. mainly because we wouldn't remember them! we are 50 and 60 years old and been married for 39 years. i didn't understand my friends that couldn't just pick up their husbands/wife's phone to answer it or to make a phone call. i grab whichever one is closest to me. my husband does the same. remember back in the day when the home only had one phone and it was hooked to the wall??! now it seems that people want to keep their phones locked up. that's fine unless you are a married couple who are supposed to share everything.
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