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30 Women Who Married A Person That Wasn’t “The One” Share How Their Life Turned Out
Successfully managing a lasting and healthy coupledom is something we all strive for. But how do you ever know that this particular person out of the 7.6 billion people on Earth is really the one? And aren’t we just over-rating this assumption that somewhere out there are our adorably compatible other halves that were sent from above and beyond?
Well, we may never find a definite answer, but we may as well look at what people who experienced the opposite feeling had to say about it. The question “Women who settled for someone that you knew wasn't the one but was otherwise a good person, how is it going?” was posed on one of the corners of Reddit and it surely brought some very illuminating responses.
Let’s see what women had to say about the subject matter, and don’t forget to share your opinions in the comment section below!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
There’s no such thing as “the one”. This is a toxic idea that destroys relationships that might otherwise work out. People are compatible with you or not. And then there are principles of marriage that you follow to have success. People don’t follow these principles and then they rationalize with this idea that they just weren’t soulmates. It’s tragic.
Carol Emory 4 years ago (edited)
I call bull***t. I did meet "the one." They're just hard to find. You know they are "the one" because, within a matter of days, you cannot imagine yourself with anyone else. You know they are the one you are going to marry. And there is no doubt.."Does he love me? Does he care?" You just know. It's hard to explain. Unfortunately, not everyone gets that moment because they are clouded over by what they THINK is the perfect person instead of just letting it go and being themselves. True love sneaks up on you when you least expect it. I married my husband after only knowing him 7 weeks. We're celebrating 31 years of marriage this year.
Karen Violette Cubbison 3 years ago
I agree. My brain tried to talk me out of it...bad experiences. But my soul knew. Scared the heck out of me at first. But I finally listened to my inner self. No doubts, no regrets.
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Cigdem Kanburoğlu 4 years ago (edited)
I did not believe THE ONE, until I met my husband. Even I did not believe love at first sight. After 19 years, I still believe he is the one, even when we argue or got really mad at him. I think some very lucky ones can find the one, but it is a rare thing. If you find one, be grateful. By the way, being one does not mean PERFECT, I think, which is impossible.
Bex 4 years ago
100% agree. It's a toxic idea that makes people stay in harmful relationships because this person is "the one." I've been in that situation myself. It's soul-crushing. I am currently married, and have an awesome relationship with my wife. I got lucky. We met in our mid-thirties, and we wonder if we'd have met earlier if she hadn't been busy trying to make it work with "The One." The One that was cheating on her, got her to move cross country, and abandoned her the next day because she went back to her other "The One."
KatHat 4 years ago
Yes. Love is a choice a lot of the time; it shouldn't be a horrible, difficult choice, but your intent around your relationship and your commitment to each other is more important than fluttery feelings.
Candace Walker 11 months ago
I can’t choose to love somebody anybody than I can choose to hate somebody.
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Legen ( wait for it ) dary 4 years ago
I'm starting to realize that, but at the same time, those butterflies I felt, were not frui of my imagination, I swear... Well, I guess... Or maybe. oooh I'm not so sure now.
Elisabeth Harris 4 years ago
There’s probably no the one...but also if a dynamic isn’t working early on its probably not going to get any better. It best to start high because there’s always highs and lows, but if you at least start in a good place it’s more likely you’ll find it again. But if it was never a good dynamic it’s not going to improve and the sooner you bail the better.
RELATED:
#2
I personally don’t believe in “the one,” I believe in making a choice just like with anything else. We choose our partners based off a long list of reasons of everything from looks to how comfortable we are with them, etc.... I chose my husband because he meets a lot of my needs, and I love him for that and for who he is. He’s not a GQ model, he’s not rich and yes sometimes he bugs the crap out of me, but I chose him. And I choose to love him for who he is rather than hold out for the idea of “the one.”
Verena Abt 3 years ago
Rational and a bit selfish. He satisfied my needs.
Load More Replies... Legen ( wait for it ) dary 4 years ago
I don't know. I went on a date and the guy was making a list on how I "fits" into his life and into him. Instead of getting as I compliment, it felt wrong. I need passion. Not that I paßt to you because I'm down to earth enough to probably connect with your daughter, and I'm intelligent enough for you to take me to your work party.
JASH80 3 years ago
but that's the thing. Once you've experienced a few times that passion fades and if there is no compatibility left your relationship is doomed you start to look out for more rational reasons. Of course there must be some kind of passion, but this "head over heels" approach is oh so wrong in most cases. And if you're a father then you're even more cautious and rather looking for someone who fits into your life characterwise than to go with the first spark (ich nehme an, du sprichst deutsch - es gibt diese Matchmaker, die potentielle Paare und deren Familie interviewen und aufgrund der Ergebnisse kompatible Partner vorschlagen, vor allem im jüdischen Umfeld. die Paare müssen nicht heiraten, aber diejenigen, welche es tun, sind oft glücklicher als Paare, die sich über eine Verliebtheit gefunden haben)
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Jiří Gerat 3 years ago
Sounds like he is the one for her after all ,) If she doesnt believe in „the one“, then she has just some wicked unreallistic definition of that word in her mind. For me the one means you are satiesfied with them in your life, that you happy. Thats it. Funny thing is that you can never tell in advance.
Lisa Mellors 4 years ago (edited)
I dunno. I would rather not be with someone who is basically just a "need filler" for the sake of being with someone who is only the "meh" of my life
JASH80 3 years ago
but no one says it's a "meh". Of course there must be attraction and affection, but people simply realise that attraction and affection can grow over time, and that it's more important to be on the same page. Nothing worse than to fall for someone over to realise after a year or so that you have nothing in common. I loved my ex husband, fell for him immediately, but I never liked him as a person when the butterflies had flown off and I got to see the real him. Unfortunately we were already married by then and I felt I had to stick with him.
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#3
Married for 28 years! We have had our ups and downs, but to be honest, he was the one — I just didn't know it at the time. Sometimes 'the one' is an ideal based on youthful priorities, but with maturity, you realize some of those qualities aren't as important anymore... I might add too, that I ran into 'the one' again a few years back. Was not impressed, and I think I made a good escape there!
GirlFriday 4 years ago
This is 1000% true. I met my love later in life and I am absolutely elated with him and our life. Had I held to my youthful ideals of "the one," I would have let this absolute gem slip through my fingers.
Judi Sherosky 1 year ago
The one to me means, my ideals count, our views on life mesh and kindness and loving count!
Everyone wants a perfect partner, there’s no doubt about it. But when it comes to finding one, our society puts quite the pressure on having that picture-perfect love story where everything just sticks and flows like a movie.
But in reality, fostering a healthy and mutually beneficial relationship takes as much magic as hard work, if not more of the latter. Whether it’s “the one” or not, the couples are destined to face similar if not the same challenges that, in the end, test their love and really see if they are meant for each other.
#4
My husband now is good. He's a fine person, a strong provider, he makes me laugh, the sex is satisfying. We can talk to each other easily. It's just not the 'IN LOVE' experience that everyone says they want. Don't get me wrong: There is love. But the romance/Prince Charming/ride-or-die thing is not there. I'm in this for the long haul. So is my husband
Carol Emory 4 years ago
The "talk to each other easily" is the key. It's what keeps a relationship strong!
Aunt Messy 4 years ago
That whole "in love" thing is a lie. NO ONE has that kind of relationship over the long term.
Night Owl 4 years ago (edited)
The "in love" thing is often in romance novels and romcoms and is actually more of a crush and infatuation and that's ok too but, in real life it doesn't last long and after that first rush is gone it doesn't mean that the love is gone. The problem is, some people confuse it for real love and leave a perfectly good relationship as soon as that rush is over so they go from one relationship to another chasing that rush and ending unsatisfied and disappointed over and over again always hoping to find "the one". But a loving long term relationship takes time to develop, needs more work, and lasts years after the faze of rose colored glasses is over
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KatHat 4 years ago
She knows this. She's explaining it as a response. Your "oh sweety" comes off as hella patronizing.
Load More Replies... Leodavinci 4 years ago
I find it rather sad that anyone thinks it's either/or. This sounds an awful lot like "settling".
Judi Sherosky 1 year ago
Oh now you are room mates. Building a deep love is what lasts and is meaningful. Keep the intimate moments flowing. Hand holding, kissing, sharing thoughts, showing nurturing.
Tracy Storey 4 years ago
That "in love" thing is exciting. It's new. The question is, when the newness wears off, do you still love each other? Want to commit and work at a real relationship?
#5
I was convinced 'the one' was going to give me butterflies and be overwhelmed by my presence. When I met my current partner, none of those things were true. I kept questioning it, being like, 'Something's wrong. I don’t know if he’s the one.' We’ve been together for a while and I’m glad I didn’t listen to those shreds of doubt. Butterflies are overrated. My partner shows up for me every day, and we have built a really strong and solid foundation.
GirlFriday 4 years ago
EXACTLY. This is what counts. They show up everyday because they love you. They partner with you out of love. I think that when we let go of the foolish ideas of fairy tales and look at love in a mature and emotional way, we find our person.
Brendan 4 years ago
I'm glad they have a strong relationship, but I thought everyone felt butterflies when they fell in love. Is it just me, or do butterflies and falling in love not come hand-in-hand?
MyCatsTheRealPanda 4 years ago
I think it depends on the individual person and situation. I think what they're saying is a lot of people expect "in love" to look or feel a certain way and when it doesn't we think somethings wrong. That's not the case though but that's what movies, society, magazines, etc. have taught us we need to feel for it to be "true love" and that's just not accurate. For some people they might feel that way and things might play out like a romcom but the majority of the time for the average person, it doesn't but that doesn't mean they're not in live or have love for someone.
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Judi Sherosky 1 year ago
Need to understand the difference between fairy tales and true connections of the soul.
Christina Rosetti 3 years ago (edited)
For many people raised in a home with unhealthy relationships, feeling "butterflies" can often be a sign of repeating unhealthy relationship patterns. I learned to recognise (after therapy) that when I felt butterflies that I needed to stop and think about what exactly I was finding so attractive about this person. In my case, I was repeating my unhealthy relationship with my mother.
Margot Artner 4 years ago
It´s strange, but after two marriages, I´ve discovered what I really appreciate in a (future) partner: Intelligence, patience and humour! Sofar, unfortunately, these guys are already taken! buhuhuuuu
Xan Maranya 4 years ago
Butterflies don't come around every day, no matter how much "in love" is love you feel.
Jazzy Mc. Jaz 4 years ago
That's me and my boy friend when we were in fifth grade we were talking about traveling the world together and when we started dating as freshman it was a crazy thing with crazy feeling and we've been together ever since and before him I didn't even care if I had a relationship now I couldn't live without him.
Legen ( wait for it ) dary 4 years ago
To build a strong and solid foundation it's important but together with this o want the butterflies. Is that ask too much ?
#6
I don’t believe in The One TM so I married a man who is an incredible human being. I spend my time working on our partnership with a very pragmatic view.
A.M. Pierre 4 years ago (edited)
My dad once told me that he believed they were many people out there that you could be happy with, but once you fall in love with one person and committed yourself to them, then they truly become the only one for you. I’ve always thought that was a lovely way to look at it.
In the times of worldwide pandemic, couples have faced unprecedented challenges. We were all thrown into extremely stressful situations, trying to make remote jobs, quarantine, home school, and limited leisure time work from home. No wonder the pandemic caused a never-before-seen spike in breakups and divorces.
So to find out how to keep that love flame burning even in the most hostile conditions that put our relationships under never-before-seen strain, Bored Panda reached out to Jane Parker, a Strategic Intervention Advanced Relationship Coach who coaches clients to have successful, fulfilling, and healthy relationships.
#7
It has gotten better with work. He’s a good man and I love him, but I never fell in love with him. At the time we met I didn’t want or need that. I needed safety and stability. Now that we’ve settled into life together, I’ve embraced those traits he brings, and when I get the urge for something more exciting, I find it in other ways
MyCatsTheRealPanda 4 years ago
Also, how exactly does safety and stability equal gold digging? Those are two very important things in any functional relationship.
SirPatTheCat 4 years ago
I think that person thought she was literally cheating on him, but pretty sure she means picking up a new hobby or something haha
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AzKhaleesi 4 years ago
This is just sad. If you're not IN love then there's no point. there is a difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone. I LOVE my friends, doesn't mean I would ever want to be with them in an intimate way. They are wrong for me. But my FH I am IN love with. He's also my best friend, my partner in every way. And to "get the urge for something more exciting and I find it elsewhere." I feel bad for her "partner" because she only kept him for convenience.
noralin 4 years ago
The feeling of falling or being in love with someone is only temporary. hat phase usually lasts for about 3 to 8 years. After that it usually becomes being attached and loving the other person. Unfortunately many couples end up breaking up at that time, because they are still looking for those butterflies. And this is not just my experience but an actual study I have read about.
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Samantha Lomb 4 years ago
Where doe it say she cheats? Other ways of finding excitement could be things like skydiving or some crazy competitive sport just as easily as cheating
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#8
I fell unexpectantly in love with a man 31 years older than me. It creeped me out because I was in this cycle of dating guys five years younger than me. He kept giving me gifts, helping me, and taking me to lunch. We somehow were married five months after meeting. Even after a year of marriage, I couldn't wrap my head around him being so old. I was always holding out for someone in my age range. After a decade I realize that he is definitely the one and realize that men in my age group are stroke-inducing. It's going well.
Aski Markup 4 years ago
Wow, that's some difference. 10 years OK, but 31? Fair play if it works for both of you though.
Dan Buczynski 4 years ago
If the past year has taught me anything, it's that we're not guaranteed a set amount of years on this planet. Things could go sideways, or worse, in the blink of an eye. Someone makes you happy? That's my type. Age? Race? No matter. (No conservatives, though. They don't make me happy.)
Legen ( wait for it ) dary 4 years ago
Are you the girlfriend of Leonardo di Caprio? Age it's just a number, what is inside your mind and heart that counts. (unless it's with a under age person)
Kevin Hogue 1 year ago (edited)
Let the haters hate. Opinions are just that. Age gap relationships can be healthy. If people live their lives based on what others think, then we are doomed. Live your own life and let others live theirs. If, for some reason, it was done in an unhealthy or abusive manner, then yes, I would have to agree. If both are willing participants and can fulfill their partners' needs and their own, then so be it.
Sakka van Slooten 1 year ago
“He kept giving me gifts, helping me and taking me to lunch. We somehow got married after five months”. I’m sorry, but if something is screaming GROOMING out loud, this is. And it saddens me.
Load More Replies... #9
Will be six years together in a few months. He is the kindest person I know and he has always treated me with nothing but respect. He is the definition of a good man. And — I can't explain how I know this — but from the depths of my heart I just know that he will never, ever hurt me. And safe is what I need to feel
“It is important that we have our own space, mentally and physically, and so the restrictions of the pandemic have taken much of that away from us,” Jane explained and added: “We are all dealing with our own feelings and responsibilities and that can affect what we are capable of giving to our partner and children. So it has a knock-on effect.”
#10
It ended years ago. Like some others have said, when you feel that someone isn’t “the one” it’s usually your mind trying to indicate to you that something is off. After some years I realized my emotional needs just weren’t being met no matter how hard he tried. Also, while I was attracted to him, he was not my physical type so when the going got rough, I didn’t want to sleep with him.
Now, I prioritize emotional compatibility and physical attraction more than I had in the past.
#11
He’s wonderful, a big part of my life and my best friend. We’ve already agreed that he will be my maid of honour and I will be his best man. Sadly we were too incompatible romantically but it’s turned into a fantastic friendship. He even chats to and plays game with my other half.
KC Lancaster 4 years ago
I had something similar, being the Best Man at his wedding. Unfortunately, no one would allow it since I wasn't male nor did I identify as male. The family, announcer, DJ, everyone insisted on calling me the Best Woman. This, to my view, was incorrect - the Best Woman was the Bride! Still, I stood for him out of respect and love, gave the best speech I could, and no there was no stag party (at the Groom's insistence).
Legen ( wait for it ) dary 4 years ago
My best friend and travel buddy Christian. Soooo perfect, just not for each other. V
#12
It became clear after 8 months in that he never wanted a relationship, just a girlfriend as a sign of successful "adulting" and to not show up at family functions alone anymore. All the time, I was completely committed to the relationship even though I knew he wasn't the one from the get-go.
My saving grace was that I found my dream job roughly 2 hours away from where we lived (we lived in the same town, just not together). I was eager to move away and finally pull the plug. I still would have broken up with him anyway, but I was glad to be moving far (enough) away.
Two weeks before I officially ended it, he told me that if one of his friends was dating someone like me, he would tell him to run and never look back. So I quoted this in the breakup and asked him what exactly he thought would happen? If he felt that I would want to stay after being told something like this? He said, and I kid you not, that he thought that by saying this to me that I would try to be a better girlfriend
N G 4 years ago
Successful adulting also means having the emotional maturity to acknowledge and accept people for who they are and not try to change them. Having a girlfriend is not a sign of adulting. My nephew has a girlfriend (his words). He's 6.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
I don't understand the downvote because you're right. I always believed that if a person can't accept you for who and what you are, there's no way that you'll end up in a happy and loving relationship with that person. And also, Yes, you're right about boys calling even a superficial social interaction a relationship.
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But it’s not only the restrictions that have taken their toll on so many otherwise happy relationships. Jane explained that inequality within relationships has also been highlighted by women who feel like they’re having the best romantic time of their life.
“Many women feel that the sacrifices and responsibilities that have come about because of lockdown have fallen at their feet whilst their partners have been able to focus on their work as usual,” the relationship coach said.
#13
We got divorced after 3 years bc he wasn’t the one and he turned out to not actually be a good person either. I settled because I wanted a family but actually ended up wasting even more time by staying with the wrong person. Now I’m divorced and 40 with no children and no partner.
Full of Giggles 4 years ago
I broke up with “the one” at the peak of my baby making years because he didn’t want kid. He’s now happily married and the proud father of three. I’m almost 40, twice divorced, single, no kids, and now barren. He recently told me that he realized a year after we broke up that having kids with me would be an amazing adventure. I was dating my second husband at that point so he moved on with his life and settled on his now wife. People change. Sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad. Unfortunately, not even “the one” is not immune from change.
Hugh Cookson 4 years ago
40 is young, and children are overrated (and noisy, emotionally draining, expensive and bloody annoying until they're about 25 ...)
Judi Sherosky 1 year ago
Not too late. I know a person who had her first child at 43. be realistic when you choose a love not a sperm donor
Margot Artner 4 years ago
Enjoy yourself. Try out new hobbies and passtimes. Some may stick and give you more satisfaction that any cheating creep! The more inner security you attain, the more likely you will attract men mature enough for a satisfying relationship! It all starts within yourself!
Legen ( wait for it ) dary 4 years ago (edited)
Hope you find a great partner that teaches how to love and be loved. Look the positive side : at least you are still young and strong enough to rebuild your life. 3 years are the price you paid for a lesson some people take 10 years to learn.
#14
Married for five years, together for 16 years. It isn’t always easy. We’re in a rough spot and it’s easy after every issue to think, 'I knew I never should have stayed with him.' Sometimes I wonder if I’m being a coward... My husband adores me and is a good man but does not fulfill me intellectually, is emotionally immature, and we are on different planets of sexual desire. It’s a struggle but it’s not a nightmare
NJ Valueinvestor 4 years ago
Does he show you patience, forgiveness, respect, understanding??? Is he kind, reasonably self-controlled, generous with time, talent, and treasure. I know MANY lonely people who's expectations are a tad to high.
Carlotta Müller 3 years ago
To be with someone who is not fulfilling intelectually is hard. I can't think this is worth it. If he is also immature AND sexually inadequat.... what for are they together? I'm really curious.
#15
It's going decently well. We have some communication issues to work on (as well as emotional maturity on my partner's side), but otherwise it's functional and I'm mostly happy.
Legen ( wait for it ) dary 4 years ago
This is working, not yet perfect but they are building the bases, as they (he/she) already identified the issues and it's work on it.
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Arctic Fox Lover 4 years ago
"Functional" and "Mostly happy" doesn't sound like it's gonna last... but what do I know about relationships
Judi Sherosky 1 year ago
That takes time but it is worth it in the end. Nobody is happy all the time.
Anthony Tilke 4 years ago
Too bad you only use stock images because it makes any comment about the post based on the couple in the picture not relevant. In this case, we can thank @madbyte for this stock image of a couple in Glendale. My comment based on the couple in the picture cross referenced to the post, and assuming the dialog is from the woman's perspective: She may be happier if she wore looser fitting jeans. But then, my comment is moot. Funny, but moot. https://unsplash.com/photos/sf4ihZObGOY
Moreover, “It has been assumed that the woman will be the one who will home school, care for the children or elderly relatives, run their businesses/work from home and look after the house.” This especially can “cause resentment if not addressed,” Jane concluded.
#16
It’s going. I know it’s not right, but he is a good person. Sometimes I want so much more. Right now, it would cost me so much to leave, and I do have love for him. Our children have a great support system between us, and we live a decent life
Carol Emory 4 years ago (edited)
Had a coworker come in one Monday and said that her boyfriend of 4 years proposed to her. I said "What did you say?" She said "I'm not sure." I said "Then don't marry him. If you have doubts after 4 years in a relationship, then how is it going to be 5, 10, 20 years from now. You have to be sure this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with." She broke up with him the next weekend.
Stephanie IV 4 years ago (edited)
A fulfilling love life isn’t worth sacrificing your children’s happiness. If you respect each other and get along fine, I’d stay for peace of mind and family reasons.
Anna Simpson 4 years ago
Fully agree. Its complete imagination that life would be better without him.
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Mark Fergel 4 years ago
I want to ask her "What are you doing to make the relationship special?"
Judi Sherosky 1 year ago
Talk to him one on one and do it often until all things improve. remaining silent builds resentment.
Pasha Hudson 4 years ago
Couples therapy? Sounds like some open conversations could make you both happy
Arctic Fox Lover 4 years ago
Decent isn't the same as happy. You should never feel like "happy" is too much to aim for.
Stephanie IV 4 years ago
The pursuit of happiness - maybe, just maybe, happiness needs to be defined more somberly. I am quite sure the founding fathers never intended hedonism and sex to be happiness. I agree that they can very easily be mistaken for that - but I strongly believe happiness means being able to chose what to be governed by. But governed we must all be, inside and outside; our sentiments as well as our societies.
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Anna Thomsen 3 years ago
Mine was like that. We married even though he was not my "type" at all but he was a really good man, very safe. We raised 4 kids, we were married for 36 years before we he said he was lonely and I couldn't help him. When we were together it was like sitting around waiting for the dog to die! Is was quite scary for me, in my 60's, what would I do,but I am the happiest I've been for years and we get on great and talk now and then.
#17
It went bad. Staying in a relationship like that for me felt like giving up a piece of me. It's mature to compromise yes, but do it for the rights reasons with the right person for you. If your truth is to feel safe, if that's the most important always, then go for it. I personally felt a void, something missing..I felt ultimately lonely and we broke up.
C.S. E. 4 years ago
And there is nothing wrong with that. I've never agreed with the 'our grandparents toughed it out!' Yeah, because the other option was to become a social pariah. Compromise is good, but there are certain places that should not be compromised, such as feeling safe. It's important to discuss these things within a relationship - too often it goes bad because people don't use their words. Personally, it's important for me to have a partner I can talk to - someone I feel safe enough to speak as well as feel heard. As someone with a deep seated fear of rocking the boat, someone I feel safe enough with to truly say what's on my mind is . . .well, it's a godsend I've yet to find.
C.S. E. 4 years ago
clarification: it's important to discus your hard stops; where you are not willing to compromise, such as fidelity (if that's your thing). Don't assume other's hard stops and don't assume they know yours.
Load More Replies... Judi Sherosky 1 year ago
Sad. Keep looking you sound like a good person Someone out there will be happy to know you!
#18
Twenty years of marriage and three kids later, we are very good partners and make a great team. However, I am somewhat sad about how little we have in common outside of that.
#19
It went well for 10+ years. We are now apart but co-parenting. Life isn’t perfect, but that’s ok
Jazzy Mc. Jaz 4 years ago
It's rough when your parent's hate each others guts and you live with one and a step parent who could care less, so good for you.
#20
Pretty good. It wasn’t really a honeymoon at the start but we have now been together for five years and are very happy.
Tracy Storey 4 years ago
Yeah. I truly believe my husband is the one, but that first year of marriage is tough. Learning to live together, who is going to do what, getting on the same page over expectations, and we through in moving, starting new jobs and him going back to college. We've been married almost 29 years and I would advise newlyweds to just try to keep communication open and survive that first year!
#21
I chose my husband because he meets a lot of my needs, and I love him for that and for who he is. He’s not a GQ model, he’s not rich, and yes, sometimes he bugs the crap out of me. But I chose him. And I chose to love him for who he is rather than hold out for the idea of 'the one'
J. Cole 4 years ago
I'm thinking you're totes right. With the older couple..
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#22
Divorced. Currently remarried and sometimes I could wring his neck, but it feels SO good to truly be in love and be attracted to him
#23
I don’t know ... I’m definitely with the one, but we are miserable as we are not very compatible.
So, I don’t know ... I’ve always wondered if I could be with someone I wasn’t passionate about. I want to say yes, but I also have to be honest with myself. I am not sure I would be happy and may end up being tempted outside the relationship.
I had tried the practical route before and it didn’t work out. So I determined to marry for nothing but love. God knows I love him more than anything or anyone, but he is just a horrible partner
Nomadus Aureus 4 years ago
Get out. No. Seriously. I know what it's like to be with someone you love but who is a horrible partner. I know what it's like to be walking on eggshells when around him, changing your behaviour, trying so hard to figure out what he wants to be hearing. And every time he leaves, you are just sitting there, shell-shocked. It's abuse. Plain and simple. And absolutely no one deserves that.
Monday 4 years ago
Nothing in this post says anything about abuse. Being a horrible partner could just mean he's fairly disinterested or selfish. Or maybe he refuses to compromise on time he's spending gaming or something.
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Full of Giggles 4 years ago
Here’s the first thing you need to be honest about with yourself: If you’re not compatible and you’re not passionate about him, he is NOT “the one.”
Anna Simpson 4 years ago
If he is a horrible partner then he's not the one. Loving someone doesn't mean its what's best for you
C.S. E. 4 years ago
This is discussion territory. Consider their reactions to this. Have a sit down and discuss your thoughts and fears and wants and needs with each other. No accusations, no blame, this is just how you feel. Listen to how they feel; I think their reaction will help clear your mind for you. Are they reactionary, loud, verbally cruel, defensive, interested, calm? Do they both hear AND listen to you? Do they contribute with their own worries? Do they feel comfortable enough to tell you? I think, either way, you will grow; either together or apart.
Arctic Fox Lover 4 years ago
Um... what? I can understand loving a family member even though they're a terrible person, but being in a relationship, loving the person even though you know that they're not good for you/the one? This just doesn't compute to me.
AzKhaleesi 4 years ago
This whole thing contradicts itself. How can you know he's the one and love him more than anything but he's horrible? I'm sorry but this makes no sense. If you're not passionate get out. I get life happens, we are not passionate 24/7 but there has to be some....
Cynthia McDonald 4 years ago
IDK, he doesn't sound like "the one" (not that I believe in that, her words). I think by definition, the one doesn't make you miserable and isn't a horrible partner, unless I've misunderstood this entire concept?
Not Proud British 4 years ago
Sounds like unrequited love from here. Does he love you just as much? If not then don't put up with it. Don't settle for someone who doesn't love you just because you feel you ought to be with someone. Who says you should be with someone all the time? Take time out for yourself, learn to love yourself and place yourself first. You will meet someone when you stop looking for 'The One' and that someone will love you, because it will be clear you love and respect yourself.
Tom De Paul 7 months ago
Why do all these people (honestly mostly woman) hate the idea of being alone? That's the unspoken belief behind all the "I'll stay even though I don't love him." What's so horrible that you can't be satisfied with your own company?
#24
I thought he was perfect, always complementing me, buying gifts, being positive. But deep inside I didn't love him or get butterflies. He pushed for marriage and I was hesitant but ultimately talked myself into it. I thought "he's good for me, you're just used to bad guys that treat you like shit". Married him and he turned into a nightmare. Ran up my credit cards, constantly wanted to buy new cars, new everything. Then as suddenly as he came on, he dumped my ass but not before meeting another woman. And another, and another. And in less than 7 months since he ended our 4 year marriage he got engaged to a new woman. She makes a lot of money. I hope she doesn't get fooled like I did.
C.S. E. 4 years ago
The key phrase was 'he pushed for marriage.' This is a hard stop. It's like when my sister had her second child. Her eldest was 10 and she always said she didn't want anymore kids. When she told me she was pregnant, I asked what changed and she said that both her husband and son 'wore her down.' This INFURITATED me, though I kept it to myself. It was her situation and had nothing to do with me. Though she loves her two youngest (we all do), it infuriates me to this day. Out of every compromise one can make, having children and marriage are two ultimatums that should NEVER be made.
Victoria Lenny 4 years ago
I hope you find healing and joy after being treated so poorly. <3 you deserve better
Margaret Brown 3 years ago
I'm guessing the new woman is already fooled, or she wouldn't be with him.
#25
It's going fairly well — ups and downs for six years now. He works long hours and I love spending time on my own! It’s harder when we have his kids, as I have no desire to be a mother, but I’m better at organizing than him, so I take on a child minder role anyway. Hoping for the world to open up soon, as one of the things we enjoy is a romantic getaway. I love him, but I’m not in love with him.
Bunny Lady 4 years ago
How on earth can u have a romantic getaway with someone you are not in love with?
DarkAngelNic 4 years ago
I was thinking the same thing. I am pretty sure you need some kind of passion for a getaway to be romantic.
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AzKhaleesi 4 years ago
Well she's just a little ray of friggin sunshine. Good Lord what is wrong with these people? If you didn't want kids, why the f**k did you have one? It takes more than organization to be a "mother." Hell, I suck at organizing anything but I love my kids unconditionally and would lay my life down for them.
WildHoneyPie 4 years ago
I agree. I feel so sorry for those kids. Believe me, kids know if you're that apathetic toward them.
Load More Replies... Tom De Paul 7 months ago
What do you bring to the relationship? We know what you get out of it. Let him go. He deserves to be with someone who loves him. You do too; but you've shown you'll settle if security is offered.
#26
I didn't know he wasn't right until our first argument after getting married. I was convinced at that point that we would get divorced one day. I'm still pretty sure it will happen eventually. We have been married for seven years and have three kids. We keep our finances separate. I have protected myself in case of a divorce. We are great friends and he is a good dad
SBW71 4 years ago
That's the best thing to do in a relationship. Keep finances separate. Works for us now after 33 years together
C.S. E. 4 years ago
Both my Mom and Stepdad were married before marrying each other. They both keep their finances separate; all home décor she pays for (because she cares more about the interior than she does) and he pays for all home repairs (since his father built the house and his son will inherit). They have one credit card together and, at the end of the month, Mike pays his purchases, Mom pays hers. They are much much happier for this. Separate finances are not bad things, sleeping in separate rooms, not a bad thing, pre-nups are NOT A BAD THING! Stop thinking in such an archaic fashion!
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infinite upvote 4 years ago
I'm very sad for a lot of these people, both the posters and their spouses
Ionut Tautan 4 years ago
"I didn't know he wasn't right until our first argument after getting married." - if you don't know who you're marrying, then why marry? Religion maybe?
#27
My partner and I are doing alright. We communicate well enough and we support each other well. Is he 'the one'? I don't think so. I don't feel a passionate love between us and I'm not super sexually attracted to him (even though he is conventionally good looking). We have been together for four years on and off. We live together. But if he asked me to marry him, I would say no. That's usually a good way to determine whether you're 'meant to be.'
Monika Rhodes 4 years ago
So you're friends with benefits? If there is no love, no spark and no chance of marriage?
Ileana Sky Aviles 4 years ago
So...partnership of convenience? Parasite, host? Fear of being alone? Unfair to him. Honest conversations need to happen here.
Arctic Fox Lover 4 years ago
Soooo, from what I can see here, I believe that he thinks that you're the one for him, but you don't feel the same. If you have no intention of marrying this guy and are just living with him and "pretending" to be in a loving, healthy relationship, I don't think you should continue this. It's selfish and unhealthy.
Tavia Gervais 4 years ago
so you are selfish, you are keeping him from finding the person he deserves (Not you)
C.S. E. 4 years ago
Again, this is a discussion you should both have. It's unfair to keep another person in a relationship where both are so diametrically opposed in their feelings. If you don't see a future with them, then it is unfair to keep them on a line. Heck, maybe they feel the exact same way! If so, you have a better chance of salvaging a friendship - don't let it drag on and potentially leave you both with a history that leaves a bad taste.
Tavia Gervais 4 years ago
you are keeping him from being happy (selfish) if you don't want to marry him let him go
S Q 4 years ago
I get the point here that the woman is being selfish by "having him around" and so on. But what I don't get is that why people think that relationships has to always end up with people getting married. You can love someone and spend the rest of your life together even without getting married!
Load More Replies... #28
Finally ended it just under three years ago, after a decade of on and off. Now living a happy life with someone, who is definitely the one.
#29
It drained my soul. And he turned out to be not such a good person.
Divorced for many years now, amicable for a few years. Once he met his now wife it turned very antagonistic and mean
#30
It went exactly as you would think; past tense
#32
Currently amicably divorcing. I'm terrified
Sergio Bicerra 4 years ago
As long as it is amicable, be positive, hold any grudges you may have as you may hold on them and turn into a bitter person. Sorry it didn't work, but better now than later. And if you have children, be cordial to each other for their sake.
#33
It's sad and boring, but safe. I do miss 'the one' sometimes, but we're just friends and we could never be more than that. It's either this or total solitude, so at least I have companionship, sex, and someone who truly loves me. Of course I would give my right arm to have my true love, but here we are.
Pervinca 4 years ago
I really don't understand this. Is it so terrible to be alone? I prefer my "total solitude" that stay with " a boring man". She says he loves her and treat her right, but she seem to see him just like a leftover she bears until finding " the one". I find this irrespectful, mean and rude. Total solitude is much better that treating other people and yourself like that. I can assure you.
Ozacoter 4 years ago
A lot of people cannot really live alone. Or they can’t afford it financially. Nowadays with the low salaries and the high rent it’s almost impossible to be single and have an apartment
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#34
He was the first man I’d ever lived with and I had to move out last month because he came out as gay. Things were okay before that but he had a lot of mental health issues that were a drain on me, he was having trouble keeping a job during the pandemic and I loved him, but wasn’t in love with him like he was with me
#35
It’s only going well because I’m no longer alone, but goddamn I really made a sacrifice...
Adam Francis 4 years ago
It sounds like people have unrealistic expectations of relationships. You won't have a fairytale romance. It's not real.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
If your relationship is nothing more than an escape from loneliness, you're unfair to yourself and to your partner. But karma has it's way of making that clear to you.
The Dave 4 years ago
With the exception of abusive, or otherwise toxic relationships, people divorce because one or both people quit. The divorce epidemic needs to end and people really need to start working at their marriages. I’ve been happily married for 4 years, and my wife and I have vowed not to quit. The “til death do us part” line needs to really be taken seriously. Not, “til we get tired of each other.”
What do you think ?
Data1001 4 years ago
This whole article seems like it's about people trying to convince themselves that settling for "Mr. (or Mrs.) Right Now" just because they wanted kids or didn't want to be alone was the right thing to do. There are people in my family who admitted they "settled" (my brother actually did so publicly, right at his wedding reception!), and they just don't ever seem to be very joyful about their relationship. This all kinda just makes me sad.
Rissie 4 years ago (edited)
That's because the concept of a perfect match is far fetched. Many cultures don't roll with that fantasy, but Westerners are dead set to believe in it. Most couples are attracted to each other in some way, but to stay together long term and completely matching on every level is not plausible.
Load More Replies... Not Proud British 4 years ago
Let me give you a more positive one. I have been married for 22 years, 2 children. No butterflies and it took me a long time to consider dating him. I wasn't physically attracted to him and in some ways we are incompatible. But he's a great friend, we share a great sense of humour and that has carried us through. I fell in love with him after many years. It doesn't happen all at once. It took time and whilst he's not drop dead gorgeous and has imperfections, neither am I. We've been through life together and grown together, not apart.
Sanne H. 4 years ago
Thanks for your positive story! I quite relate to it when replacing “kids” by “cats” 🙂
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Truth Monster 4 years ago
There are people you are compatible with and those you aren't. Chasing after "the one" will cause you to never look at potential mates who would make you happy. Find someone who will stay with you in the dark times, and can share your burdens in life.
Carol Emory 4 years ago (edited)
My MILs Aunt was with the wrong man in a relationship for 40 years. He verbally abused her and physically beat her. When he died from a stroke, she was finally free. At 72, she met a man her age and married again. She joked that he's her sugar daddy and she's his trophy wife. He treats her like a queen. For their honeymoon, they spent 6 months on a round the world cruise. She's never been happier. Never give up hope of finding that perfect love!
Sentinel 4 years ago
Wow this is actually really sweet. Good for them both
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Keith Nolen 4 years ago
How about a man's perspective? My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We met at 30 and married at 32, after both being with a "one" previously. Those earlier relationships failed because they were built on sexual attraction, idealization, and immature expectations. We have built our marriage on mutual love, respect, and a commitment to the commitment. After 20 years we are still working on it. Some days are REALLY GOOD and somedays are bad. But because we love each other the bad days together are better than the alone days we would have had if we hadn't learned to compromise and grow together.
Marcellus the Third 4 years ago
I like Dan Savage's concept of "rounding up to one". Because there's obviously not a single "the one"; you have to settle and overlook imperfections, and if you all add it up and round you can end up with one. As Tim Minchin sang, " Your love is one in a million/ You couldn’t buy it at any price./ But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other loves,/ Statistically, some of them would be equally nice."
Victoria Pitt 4 years ago
Well. I was with a guy for 6 years, late 20s into early 30s. He eventually proposed. The whole time, I never felt in love or really connected to him but I was kinda young and hadn't really been in a long term relationship before. As an insecure young girl, I was just happy someone liked me and I liked the self esteem that came with having a partner. So dumb. Anyway, about 6 months before our wedding, I just "woke up" one day and all at once realized I should not marry this guy.... Hardest thing I ever had to do... It shocked him, it shocked all of our friends and family. So quickly, like 2 weeks later I was living by myself and I too was in shock over it for a few months. Even though I broke up with him, the whole trajectory of my life changed, ya know. BUT to this day I consider that the most awesome and courageous thing I ever did for myself. And honestly whenever something tough arises in my life, I'm like well, I was able to do that so this should be easy.
Victoria Pitt 4 years ago (edited)
And just to add to that, I've been dating off and on for years and I wholeheartedly feel that I'd rather be single than with someone who doesn't feel right. I'm super comfortable being single and doing my own thing. People will stay in a bad relationship so they aren't alone but I can speak from experience, I felt the most alone in a bad relationship rather than on my own. With that said, my current boyfriend is pretty great and this relationship has long term potential. Is it as deeply emotionally and intellectually sparky as I've found in other relationships, maybe not. But is it the most healthy, happy, fun and loving relationship I've ever had, yes! Now that's cool.
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Tracy Costa 4 years ago
I never believed in soul mates. I married my best friend, who I love deeply, mainly because we have a good time doing chores. I've been married 15 years and he is my soul mate. Maybe they're developed and not created.
Data1001 4 years ago
This whole article seems like it's about people trying to convince themselves that settling for "Mr. (or Mrs.) Right Now" just because they wanted kids or didn't want to be alone was the right thing to do. There are people in my family who admitted they "settled" (my brother actually did so publicly, right at his wedding reception!), and they just don't ever seem to be very joyful about their relationship. This all kinda just makes me sad.
Rissie 4 years ago (edited)
That's because the concept of a perfect match is far fetched. Many cultures don't roll with that fantasy, but Westerners are dead set to believe in it. Most couples are attracted to each other in some way, but to stay together long term and completely matching on every level is not plausible.
Load More Replies... Not Proud British 4 years ago
Let me give you a more positive one. I have been married for 22 years, 2 children. No butterflies and it took me a long time to consider dating him. I wasn't physically attracted to him and in some ways we are incompatible. But he's a great friend, we share a great sense of humour and that has carried us through. I fell in love with him after many years. It doesn't happen all at once. It took time and whilst he's not drop dead gorgeous and has imperfections, neither am I. We've been through life together and grown together, not apart.
Sanne H. 4 years ago
Thanks for your positive story! I quite relate to it when replacing “kids” by “cats” 🙂
Load More Replies... Truth Monster 4 years ago
There are people you are compatible with and those you aren't. Chasing after "the one" will cause you to never look at potential mates who would make you happy. Find someone who will stay with you in the dark times, and can share your burdens in life.
Carol Emory 4 years ago (edited)
My MILs Aunt was with the wrong man in a relationship for 40 years. He verbally abused her and physically beat her. When he died from a stroke, she was finally free. At 72, she met a man her age and married again. She joked that he's her sugar daddy and she's his trophy wife. He treats her like a queen. For their honeymoon, they spent 6 months on a round the world cruise. She's never been happier. Never give up hope of finding that perfect love!
Sentinel 4 years ago
Wow this is actually really sweet. Good for them both
Load More Replies... Keith Nolen 4 years ago
How about a man's perspective? My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We met at 30 and married at 32, after both being with a "one" previously. Those earlier relationships failed because they were built on sexual attraction, idealization, and immature expectations. We have built our marriage on mutual love, respect, and a commitment to the commitment. After 20 years we are still working on it. Some days are REALLY GOOD and somedays are bad. But because we love each other the bad days together are better than the alone days we would have had if we hadn't learned to compromise and grow together.
Marcellus the Third 4 years ago
I like Dan Savage's concept of "rounding up to one". Because there's obviously not a single "the one"; you have to settle and overlook imperfections, and if you all add it up and round you can end up with one. As Tim Minchin sang, " Your love is one in a million/ You couldn’t buy it at any price./ But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other loves,/ Statistically, some of them would be equally nice."
Victoria Pitt 4 years ago
Well. I was with a guy for 6 years, late 20s into early 30s. He eventually proposed. The whole time, I never felt in love or really connected to him but I was kinda young and hadn't really been in a long term relationship before. As an insecure young girl, I was just happy someone liked me and I liked the self esteem that came with having a partner. So dumb. Anyway, about 6 months before our wedding, I just "woke up" one day and all at once realized I should not marry this guy.... Hardest thing I ever had to do... It shocked him, it shocked all of our friends and family. So quickly, like 2 weeks later I was living by myself and I too was in shock over it for a few months. Even though I broke up with him, the whole trajectory of my life changed, ya know. BUT to this day I consider that the most awesome and courageous thing I ever did for myself. And honestly whenever something tough arises in my life, I'm like well, I was able to do that so this should be easy.
Victoria Pitt 4 years ago (edited)
And just to add to that, I've been dating off and on for years and I wholeheartedly feel that I'd rather be single than with someone who doesn't feel right. I'm super comfortable being single and doing my own thing. People will stay in a bad relationship so they aren't alone but I can speak from experience, I felt the most alone in a bad relationship rather than on my own. With that said, my current boyfriend is pretty great and this relationship has long term potential. Is it as deeply emotionally and intellectually sparky as I've found in other relationships, maybe not. But is it the most healthy, happy, fun and loving relationship I've ever had, yes! Now that's cool.
Load More Replies... Tracy Costa 4 years ago
I never believed in soul mates. I married my best friend, who I love deeply, mainly because we have a good time doing chores. I've been married 15 years and he is my soul mate. Maybe they're developed and not created.
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