Husband Is OK With Letting Wife Die Instead Of Giving Her A Kidney, Loses Her To Another Man
Many couples vow to have and to hold for better or worse, in sickness and in health, but few imagine at that point what challenges the future might hold.
For this redditor, it wasn’t her spouse who ended the relationship when her health took a turn for the worse. She herself realized she no longer felt the same way about her husband after a friend donated his kidney for her—something her husband refused to do.
Any relationship can turn upside down at any point, especially after a life-altering event
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
This woman’s world was turned upside down when her friend donated a kidney for her
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwra-Fox-2800
The majority of individuals on the waiting list for an organ transplant are waiting for a kidney
Unfortunately, according to the American Kidney Fund, there are over 106,000 people on the waiting list for an organ transplant in the US alone; out of them, the vast majority—roughly 92,000 individuals—are waiting for a kidney.
Based on last year’s data, the kidney was both the organ that the majority on the waiting list needed and the organ that was transplanted the most over the year 2023. Others included the liver, the heart, and the lung that lined up respectively according to both the number of people in need of one and those who were lucky enough to receive it.
Unfortunately, getting on the list is just one of the steps towards a better life quality for people with medical issues. The American Kidney Fund emphasized that finding the right match from the list depends on numerous factors, such as the age of the recipient, the blood type of both of those involved, and the size of the donor kidney compared to the size of the recipient’s body, among other things.
A beam of light in a situation as grim as this, though, is that it’s possible for a living person to become a kidney donor. As a matter of fact, it reportedly is the most commonly donated organ by a living person, which they have given away to a relative, a friend, or even someone they don’t know.
Many people seem to support the idea of organ donation even if they haven’t registered to do it themselves
Despite not being actually obligated to—which some netizens in the comments made sure to point out—spouses reportedly comprise the largest group of living kidney donors. Research revealed that after taking the big step, the majority of them said that the relationship with their partner remained unchanged or took a turn for the better.
While spouses and others close to the individual in need of a transplant often become their guardian angels, strangers do, too; sometimes thanks to the relatives of said angel. After losing a loved one, family members can choose to donate their organs, that way providing hope for and often even saving the life of another person.
Some individuals opt for helping others themselves by registering to be an organ donor in the case of their death. Data suggests that roughly six-in-ten Americans are registered to become an organ donor, even though the absolute majority—roughly 95%—are in favor of such a deed.
Be that as it may, every person has their own reasons whether to become an organ donor or not, as likely did the OP’s husband. But while he chose not to undergo the testing required to see if he was a good match, the redditor’s friend stepped in, which eventually resulted in the OP’s life taking another unexpected turn.
Bored Panda has reached out to the OP via Reddit and will update the article once we’ve heard back from her.
The redditor revealed more details in the comments
Fellow redditors seemingly split into camps over whether or not the OP was a jerk in the situation, quite a few didn’t think so
Others weren’t as supportive of the redditor
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I don't even want to be in the same room as the people who say YTA.
Right? "Leaving your spouse is as bad as cheating." Eh... No. It really isn't. This is exactly what you're supposed to do instead of cheating - separate to investigate and then making a conscious decision.
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This is a two way street. The YTA voters all make the claim she can't demand that he risks his health to save her life. And that is absolutely true. But she didn't make that demand. She fully accepted that he didn't want to risk it, that was his right. But the thing is, he isn't entitled to her staying with a person who puts their own comfort over her life. Just as much as it is his right to say no thanks, it is her right to say no thanks. Those people want all the rights for OP's husband and none for her, and that tells you exactly which of them they think is worth more. And it is not OP. It is completely legitimate to decide that you'd rather want to be with a person who loves you so much they'll give their kidney to you, even if it is just out of gratefulness, and not wanting to be with a person who rather watches you die than taking a risk. Those NTA people and the husband all want to have their cake and eat it too. But OP wants to share the cake. And she found someone who shares
the one that said "you took a sacred vow" really blew me away. I guess the husband didn't take any vows, just OP. i wonder what they would say in an opposite situation, that he has a right to her kidney because she's his wife (aka property)?
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Totally NTA, if you commit to spending your life with someone, to cherish and to love, in sickness and in health, I'd like to think you'd give up a kidney for them or *at least* get tested to do that, rather then see them suffer. No idea why people say YTA
@Joanna Dark. Do yourself a favor and go read that again. The husband never even got tested. He was fine with his wife dying. Id give whatever organ I could to my wife it would help her. you are incredibly delusional.
Load More Replies... all the YTA people must have read some other thread because none of them are talking about this one properly.
It's like they are deliberately missing the point lol
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My husband and I discussed this post and there is no way we could stand by and watch a loved one suffer like that.
I don't see how anyone could. Isn't that what love is?
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WTF is a kidney chain? I'm imagining it to be like house buying where everyone passes a kidney along to the next person, but that makes no sense whatsoever! If you have a failing kidney, you don't pass it along, saying it just needs a coat of paint. Thet normally leave the failing/failed kidney in place and attach the donated kidney as a third kidney.
Pretty sure you can Google this, but anyway. An organ donor chain is where several people all need an organ and they have someone who is willing to donate but they're not compatible. So the doctors match donors to compatible recipients such that every one who needs an organ gets one and also has a loved one who gives someone else an organ. So person's 1, 2 & 3 all need kidneys. They're partners A, B & C (respectively) are all willing to donate but not compatible with their loved one. So instead person A gives a kidney to person 2, B gives to 3, and C gives to 1. Everyone in the chain who needs a kidney gets one, and each of those people have a loved one who gives up a kidney to a stranger.
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NTA. John doesn't have to donate. He didn't. She didn't cheat. She didn't have an emotional affair. You don't owe anyone your bodyparts, you also don't owe anyone a relationship.The guy who donated only prompted her to question her marriage, it was her whole relationship with her husband that gave her the answer. Sometimes people get tested and aren't a match, or they aren't cleared for surgery, or they decide they can't handle the discomfort, or the risk. Relationships can sometimes survive that - they can't survive your partner not wanting to help you. If I needed a kidney, two of my siblings would say yes, and two would consider it, offer to get tested and if a match would find it a difficult decision, and might ultimately say no. Not because they didn't care, but because there are other factors. Not everyone can do that for someone else - physically, emotionally, mentally, or for reason of personal beliefs. Not wanting to do it enough to even find out if you could? That's bad. SMH
Neither are AH. It's totally understand for her husband to have his fears and make his choices. It's not really a reflection on the marriage or his love for her. However It's totally reasonable for her to have new thoughts and perspective on her own love for him based on those fears & concerns. And if someone else leads you to re-think things, you are correct, an emotional affair is not okay. You both made difficult, adult, decisions. They just didn't happen to be compatible with one another.
I agree. Get tested first, then have a long conversation together to check out the pros and cons. He still should have the right to refuse at that point. But not getting tested at all for the reasons she listed sounds a lot like a red flag.
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The idea of losing an organ scares me a lot... but Id give one up without 2nd thought for not just my fiance but my two best friends... how can you be married and watch your s/o go through that without even trying. What a p.o.s.
It is indeed his decision not to be tested but I just don't think that relationship could ever be the same after knowing that. To know that the person who loves you most in the world can't even be bothered to have a test done to see if they could save your life would be pretty unsettling to live with.
The man's logic is sound. "You can't have the spare kidney, we must keep it because one day maybe somebody needs it. Get one elsewhere!". We had an inventory manager that did the same, prided himself in never having any unavailable thing --- by refusing to use the last. So it's out-of-stock one item sooner but he got a stock management excellence bonus each time.
I only have one viable kidney. Right now, it's only working at 80%, hoping it doesn't get worse. If anyone in my life refused to be tested if/when it fails, I would look at them differently. As long as they were healthy, had 2 working kidneys, but I wasn't worth enough even for them to get tested, I'd be pi$$ed. Of course, I have a lot of abandonment issues...
Your ex-husband is a total AH. You're fortunate to have a friend who cared enough to take a chance and helped save your life. Best wishes for continued good health.
I'm voting for NTA, but I do think there is more behind their marriage, and this might have been the needle that broke it.
Same thing I was thinking. OP was a little quick to end the marriage over a kidney donation. It sounds like trouble has been brewing for quite a while. Little things add up quickly, and this latest episode tipped the scale in the direction of divorce.
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NTA. I'm baffled by those who were ok with OP's hubby not supporting her during medical treatment, refusing to comfort her after she lost her hair, and being more comfortable with letting OP die than with doing something to help her live, but they excoriate OP for leaving him. He refused to support and help her when she needed him the most. Why would anyone stay in a marriage like that?
I lost my fiancé in a car accident when I was in my twenties, if I could have given a kidney then (or even now) to get him back I would do it in a heartbeat. This guy is not even willing to get tested to save the life of the person he is supposed to love most in this world. It’s his right to refuse but I have to be honest and say my feelings for him would change enough to get a divorce, it’s just the feeling that you’re willing to put in 150% if your partner needs help and your partner is barely willing to bring 50% to the table when you are the one in need of help (especially since OP stated he didn’t even want to come to appointments with her).
I don't get the YTAs... So basically the husband CAN make the choice to let her die and then move on, but OP CAN'T make the choice to live and move on?!?! How's that fair?! Or even logical, for that matter?!?!?!
I am so so glad that we have anonymous Organ donors here. Of course you can get a transplant from a relative or a close friend but if one side is not comfortable with that due whatever reason you get listed for an anonymous organ. And If you think of giving or getting an organ from a close human, both - the giver and the receiver - will be asked If it is their free will or if there are any doubts . If it is so, the procedure will not be continued. There is one question I am asking myself about this story. If I am able to get dialysis I am not gonna die. The machine will be my supplement to the kidneys and I can use ir for a long time. So why is this friend of her her life saver? It surely is a new kind of life If you get a new kidneys and live without dialysis and it's side effects. But dialysis IS a life saver.
So...I may be in the minority here, but I don't think I would ever willingly donate any of my organs (except maybe blood), even for a loved one. HOWEVER, they would have any and all -other- support I could offer. Meals, comfort, etc. Her husband didn't give her that. That's where he becomes an a-hole, in my opinion...
Is a kidney chaun even a thing? I fail to see how that would get her a matching kidney sooner
Yes, it would. See the explanation above by Rahul Pawa. Most "random chance" organs come from deceased organ donors, not living people. But if you have more than one person who needs a kidney, but their partner/family member/friend who is willing to donate isn't a match, they might be a match for someone else. This starts a donation chain.
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She didn't demand it???? She just made a choice based of his choices
Load More Replies... The problem is not OWING anything, it's the fact that the husband refused to get tested in the first place. Also the fact that he was no support while she was going through all that chemo and the rest. The way you stated your comment means that we absolutely have to do it. No we don't.
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Even if it's entirely fake, it has helped educate people. Right here on BP, people learned what a "kidney chain" is, and how one might be able to help a family member who needs an organ even if they aren't a direct match.
Load More Replies... I don't even want to be in the same room as the people who say YTA.
Right? "Leaving your spouse is as bad as cheating." Eh... No. It really isn't. This is exactly what you're supposed to do instead of cheating - separate to investigate and then making a conscious decision.
Load More Replies... This is a two way street. The YTA voters all make the claim she can't demand that he risks his health to save her life. And that is absolutely true. But she didn't make that demand. She fully accepted that he didn't want to risk it, that was his right. But the thing is, he isn't entitled to her staying with a person who puts their own comfort over her life. Just as much as it is his right to say no thanks, it is her right to say no thanks. Those people want all the rights for OP's husband and none for her, and that tells you exactly which of them they think is worth more. And it is not OP. It is completely legitimate to decide that you'd rather want to be with a person who loves you so much they'll give their kidney to you, even if it is just out of gratefulness, and not wanting to be with a person who rather watches you die than taking a risk. Those NTA people and the husband all want to have their cake and eat it too. But OP wants to share the cake. And she found someone who shares
the one that said "you took a sacred vow" really blew me away. I guess the husband didn't take any vows, just OP. i wonder what they would say in an opposite situation, that he has a right to her kidney because she's his wife (aka property)?
Load More Replies... Totally NTA, if you commit to spending your life with someone, to cherish and to love, in sickness and in health, I'd like to think you'd give up a kidney for them or *at least* get tested to do that, rather then see them suffer. No idea why people say YTA
@Joanna Dark. Do yourself a favor and go read that again. The husband never even got tested. He was fine with his wife dying. Id give whatever organ I could to my wife it would help her. you are incredibly delusional.
Load More Replies... all the YTA people must have read some other thread because none of them are talking about this one properly.
It's like they are deliberately missing the point lol
Load More Replies... My husband and I discussed this post and there is no way we could stand by and watch a loved one suffer like that.
I don't see how anyone could. Isn't that what love is?
Load More Replies... WTF is a kidney chain? I'm imagining it to be like house buying where everyone passes a kidney along to the next person, but that makes no sense whatsoever! If you have a failing kidney, you don't pass it along, saying it just needs a coat of paint. Thet normally leave the failing/failed kidney in place and attach the donated kidney as a third kidney.
Pretty sure you can Google this, but anyway. An organ donor chain is where several people all need an organ and they have someone who is willing to donate but they're not compatible. So the doctors match donors to compatible recipients such that every one who needs an organ gets one and also has a loved one who gives someone else an organ. So person's 1, 2 & 3 all need kidneys. They're partners A, B & C (respectively) are all willing to donate but not compatible with their loved one. So instead person A gives a kidney to person 2, B gives to 3, and C gives to 1. Everyone in the chain who needs a kidney gets one, and each of those people have a loved one who gives up a kidney to a stranger.
Load More Replies... NTA. John doesn't have to donate. He didn't. She didn't cheat. She didn't have an emotional affair. You don't owe anyone your bodyparts, you also don't owe anyone a relationship.The guy who donated only prompted her to question her marriage, it was her whole relationship with her husband that gave her the answer. Sometimes people get tested and aren't a match, or they aren't cleared for surgery, or they decide they can't handle the discomfort, or the risk. Relationships can sometimes survive that - they can't survive your partner not wanting to help you. If I needed a kidney, two of my siblings would say yes, and two would consider it, offer to get tested and if a match would find it a difficult decision, and might ultimately say no. Not because they didn't care, but because there are other factors. Not everyone can do that for someone else - physically, emotionally, mentally, or for reason of personal beliefs. Not wanting to do it enough to even find out if you could? That's bad. SMH
Neither are AH. It's totally understand for her husband to have his fears and make his choices. It's not really a reflection on the marriage or his love for her. However It's totally reasonable for her to have new thoughts and perspective on her own love for him based on those fears & concerns. And if someone else leads you to re-think things, you are correct, an emotional affair is not okay. You both made difficult, adult, decisions. They just didn't happen to be compatible with one another.
I agree. Get tested first, then have a long conversation together to check out the pros and cons. He still should have the right to refuse at that point. But not getting tested at all for the reasons she listed sounds a lot like a red flag.
Load More Replies... The idea of losing an organ scares me a lot... but Id give one up without 2nd thought for not just my fiance but my two best friends... how can you be married and watch your s/o go through that without even trying. What a p.o.s.
It is indeed his decision not to be tested but I just don't think that relationship could ever be the same after knowing that. To know that the person who loves you most in the world can't even be bothered to have a test done to see if they could save your life would be pretty unsettling to live with.
The man's logic is sound. "You can't have the spare kidney, we must keep it because one day maybe somebody needs it. Get one elsewhere!". We had an inventory manager that did the same, prided himself in never having any unavailable thing --- by refusing to use the last. So it's out-of-stock one item sooner but he got a stock management excellence bonus each time.
I only have one viable kidney. Right now, it's only working at 80%, hoping it doesn't get worse. If anyone in my life refused to be tested if/when it fails, I would look at them differently. As long as they were healthy, had 2 working kidneys, but I wasn't worth enough even for them to get tested, I'd be pi$$ed. Of course, I have a lot of abandonment issues...
Your ex-husband is a total AH. You're fortunate to have a friend who cared enough to take a chance and helped save your life. Best wishes for continued good health.
I'm voting for NTA, but I do think there is more behind their marriage, and this might have been the needle that broke it.
Same thing I was thinking. OP was a little quick to end the marriage over a kidney donation. It sounds like trouble has been brewing for quite a while. Little things add up quickly, and this latest episode tipped the scale in the direction of divorce.
Load More Replies... NTA. I'm baffled by those who were ok with OP's hubby not supporting her during medical treatment, refusing to comfort her after she lost her hair, and being more comfortable with letting OP die than with doing something to help her live, but they excoriate OP for leaving him. He refused to support and help her when she needed him the most. Why would anyone stay in a marriage like that?
I lost my fiancé in a car accident when I was in my twenties, if I could have given a kidney then (or even now) to get him back I would do it in a heartbeat. This guy is not even willing to get tested to save the life of the person he is supposed to love most in this world. It’s his right to refuse but I have to be honest and say my feelings for him would change enough to get a divorce, it’s just the feeling that you’re willing to put in 150% if your partner needs help and your partner is barely willing to bring 50% to the table when you are the one in need of help (especially since OP stated he didn’t even want to come to appointments with her).
I don't get the YTAs... So basically the husband CAN make the choice to let her die and then move on, but OP CAN'T make the choice to live and move on?!?! How's that fair?! Or even logical, for that matter?!?!?!
I am so so glad that we have anonymous Organ donors here. Of course you can get a transplant from a relative or a close friend but if one side is not comfortable with that due whatever reason you get listed for an anonymous organ. And If you think of giving or getting an organ from a close human, both - the giver and the receiver - will be asked If it is their free will or if there are any doubts . If it is so, the procedure will not be continued. There is one question I am asking myself about this story. If I am able to get dialysis I am not gonna die. The machine will be my supplement to the kidneys and I can use ir for a long time. So why is this friend of her her life saver? It surely is a new kind of life If you get a new kidneys and live without dialysis and it's side effects. But dialysis IS a life saver.
So...I may be in the minority here, but I don't think I would ever willingly donate any of my organs (except maybe blood), even for a loved one. HOWEVER, they would have any and all -other- support I could offer. Meals, comfort, etc. Her husband didn't give her that. That's where he becomes an a-hole, in my opinion...
Is a kidney chaun even a thing? I fail to see how that would get her a matching kidney sooner
Yes, it would. See the explanation above by Rahul Pawa. Most "random chance" organs come from deceased organ donors, not living people. But if you have more than one person who needs a kidney, but their partner/family member/friend who is willing to donate isn't a match, they might be a match for someone else. This starts a donation chain.
Load More Replies... She didn't demand it???? She just made a choice based of his choices
Load More Replies... The problem is not OWING anything, it's the fact that the husband refused to get tested in the first place. Also the fact that he was no support while she was going through all that chemo and the rest. The way you stated your comment means that we absolutely have to do it. No we don't.
Load More Replies... Even if it's entirely fake, it has helped educate people. Right here on BP, people learned what a "kidney chain" is, and how one might be able to help a family member who needs an organ even if they aren't a direct match.
Load More Replies... 
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