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Someone Asks “People Who Don’t Ever Want To Have Kids, Why?” And People Deliver 30 Honest Replies
Family life in the Western parts of the world is changing: cohabitation is rising and childbearing is plummeting. More and more people are now opting for voluntary childlessness, a conscious decision to not have children despite the pervasive societal expectations, which are especially hard on women.
But despite the outdated views of a fulfilled family that sees kids as a crucial part of its equation, a life without children is the new normal. So when a redditor who goes by Foxscream posted the question “People who don’t ever want to have kids, why?” people had a lot to say about this topic.
The thread offers a fresh and much-needed perspective on what makes people not want to have children, and it’s a very important read for anyone who’s still skeptical about being childfree by choice.
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I'm lazy. I like my free time. I like money (well, the little I have!). I like sleep. I've also just never had the instinct in me to want kids. I feel complete without them.
Plus it's scary enough worrying about my own future, let alone the future of miniature humans I am responsible for bringing into the world. Rather give it a miss.
Did I write this while sleeping? 😂. I hate when people say "it's different with your own kids" or "you would be a great mum". Nooo, motherhood is not for me and it would make me deeply unhappy. People need to deal with the fact that we are women, not walking wombs. We don't dry and die if we don't "fulfill" our "purpose". I have lots of better things to do, like learn archery😊
In psych class we learned about a study where they separated monkeys from their mothers at birth. The monkeys grew to be anxious and twitchy. When those monkeys had their own kids, the mothers didn't know how to care for them. I was raised horribly so I don't know how to raise someone well. My parents had children even though their parents abused them. My grandparents' parents probably also abused them. I'm just cutting off the cycle.
I am so damn happy my mom broke the cycle of abuse. No idea how she did it, but she did amazing. I would understand it perfectly if she decided against having kids (except of course I would not exist). I am not sure I would have had the courage if I were in her place. And I honestly think my aunt/her sister never should have had kids. My cousins think so too btw.
Thank you for breaking the cycle. This is one of the (many) reasons I don't want children of my own. I have absolutely zero good role models and zero good connotations with "being a parent". My mom *specifically* said (yep, I heard her directly while she was yellin' at my dad) "We had it so hard growing up, why shouldn't she suffer too?". She was consciously encouraging mistreatment. It was justified in her mind, somehow.
I'm so sorry you had to live with an abusive mom. Sending you a virtual hug from an internet stranger. I wish you an happy life despite beginning in an hard place and having this taking a toll on you mental, physical and emotional well-being.
Load More Replies...Even if they had a nice mother primates need a lot of learning and experience to be a good one. In the first place I worked they had a female orangutan that didnt know how to be a mum so the staff needed to raise her baby by hand. Then they adooted a second female with experience so she would have a baby and teach the second one who to act as a mum. Apes in particular learn a lot from their group.
I 100% respect this person's decision but please don't reduce yourself to the ability of a lab monkey. As someone who was also raised like crap, I plan to break the cycle by raising my kids with love. You are not destined to repeat your parents mistakes if you are actively working against repeating them. I just want to put this out there so that someone else with a crappy upbringing that wants a family doesn't feel doomed lol. This is like saying if you had a good upbringing then you are going to raise your kids well, it's not necessarily true.
Yes! It can be done and I feel bad for people who want children but are scared to have them because of abusive childhoods.
Load More Replies...Yeah, the researcher torturing those monkeys, cause if his own grief and anger. Literally the cycle of abuse.
Load More Replies...I'm always afraid of what if I mess up with my kids. What if I make the same mistakes.
Read Philip Larkins poem - This Be The Verse. It's pretty accurate! Mistakes will get made. What matters is how you handle them. My father didn't think you should apologise to children - he was truly wrong about that! If you make a mistake apologise, explain, move on and try to do better. Your children will learn great lessons from that. The fact that you worry, that it matters to you, speaks volumes! 👍
Load More Replies...Same here, exactly. My mom used to bug me about having kids until I told her the above, which was the truth. She took it hard but she knew it was the truth. I was assured by people that it's "different when you have them" and somehow, this Love and Brilliant ability to be Supermom kicks in. Like you just have a kid or two, and see how it goes, at their expense. I'd tell people there are plenty of kids who are abused, ignored, abandoned and worse. So no, it doesn't magically work that way. People quiet down if you explain it like this, and say, "I never thought of it that way, I guess you have a point". Then I wonder why people who have kids and IMHO aren't the best parents didn't think of this simple stuff before they had them.
I didn't have abusive parents, I had selfish think of only themselves parents. You don't have to take a bath or brush your teeth. Who cares if your room is clean. I had to teach myself all the use thongs. This is why I didn't have children. Raising myself was enough.
It’s fine not to want to have children, but it’s sad to think of people who want them not doing so because of their own bad upbringings. Unlike monkeys, humans can take parenting classes, get therapy, and make a deliberate choice to be good parents. My dad had a rough upbringing in some ways but he has been dedicated to doing better and has been a great dad.
My parents should not have kids, so they should not have me, they are just thinking responsibilities is the most thing we should learn, never taught me how to love, communicate. They think giving me food, place to rest and how to become the first of my class is a good parenting, they never hugged me until I am 35 that I took them and make them learn how to hug really it was me who made them learn that. When I was a kid I was someone who fight back but never ever think of starting a fight, I always mind my own business but bullies try to beat me and I fight back sometimes I win, sometimes I lose but in everytime my father learn about that he would beat the s**t out of me because I got into a fight (even if I wanted to escape it). with that as a kid I grow up wanting to do horrible things to him when I become adult, but never thought of it while I am grown up (responsibility). Even if they repeat when I insist on asking that they love me,I don't want to have kids for many reasons
I can totally understand this. I, luckily, broke the cycle. I grew up with a single mom that was a functioning drug addict who would bring other functioning drug addicted men in our lives. She was better than her mom, but that is not saying much, my grandmother is a sociopath. I vowed what when I had kids I was going to do the exact opposite of things she did. I now have 2 wonderful kiddos (16 and 13), but there was a point in my life that I did not want kids for fear of choosing the wrong man or falling into patterns that my mom did out of sheer laziness. Thankfully, based on how my kids are turning out, I think my husband and I are figuring it out!
My mother's parents were helicopter parents and quite abusive.MY FATHERS PARENTS DIDNT GIVE A CRAP WHAT THEY DID.they are both good parents,my dad pays attention(unless we are on a different level of the house) and mom does as she needs to,let's say someone is crying or shouts they run to see what happened,they are attentive but not too much and caring but not smothering this is the type of parent o strive to be,however I am afraid of having kids because I'm probably going to be a helicopter because I don't want them to be hurt.I don't want to be a helicopter but kids are at least 5 years away.(realizes I'm gonna be 18 in 5 years)HOLY S---
Children are resilient, you cant just go by one study or point of view!
Harry Harlow and his monkeys. He did some awful things. It's a worry for many people who have had rubbish parents. They (OK we) often come out damaged from the experience and doubt that we'll ever be able to be the sort of parent we wished we'd had. Maybe we'd be just as awful because we never learned better? I'm not saying this is true, just that it's a worry.
This is so sad if the abuse keeps her from experiencing the greatest joy I have ever known. I mean OK, if someone doesn't like kids, that's one thing. But if someone simply thinks they would suck at parenting or never let themselves want to be a parent, that's just sad. Honest truth is that if you're open to learning from others, you're probably oceans ahead of someone who thinks they know what they're doing (and continues to think so in front of so much evidence to the contrary, because no schemes persist in the "fog of war.")
If this is the only reason and you wish you had kids: go for it! My grandmother (mother’s mum) was abounded and she also left her kids and so my mother did to her 4 children when I was 6. Three generations (at least three) of betrayed kids! When I was 20 I was told by my gynecologist I can’t have kids - and I have been thinking thinking: thank god! When I was 37 I got pregnant. My daughter now is 19, and we have the most loving, respectful and appreciative relation you can imagine. I always thought it was my fault my mother left us alone. When my daughter was 6 I learned: No way! She couldn’t do anything that makes me leaving her. If you don’t want kids: fine, live your life! (Good for the planet.) But if you’re yearning for children and just don’t dare: go for it!
You can raise children happy and good! Genetics and way you were raised is only part of equation but as predisposition for obesity can be handled by quality food and exercise, same way you can actually be a good parent. What from my experience is often issue is patience (lack of it) and making yourself (parent) the center of universe. You gave up, that's not cutting off the cycle,so if you ever feel like, you shouldn't dismiss it too easily.
I've read an article where it states trauma can be passed on in fhe wo.
Load More Replies...No, you are letting them win. It is possible to BREAK the cycle... It takes REAL and CONSTANT EFFORT... but it is possible.
Nobody is obligated to have kids just to "not let them win"
Load More Replies...Since childfree life has become a much-discussed topic these days, Bored Panda reached out to three amazing childfree women, Colombia-based Isabel, Kristen from the US, and LeNora from Canada, who run the project Childfree Girls, a podcast and web series for the childfree community.
When asked if more people are opting for a childfree life, the Childfree Girls said that even though global fertility rates have been falling in the past few years, it would be hard to state that more and more people are opting for a childfree life.
“We believe that what has been happening is that more people are openly talking about their choice to not become parents, so it might give the impression that more people are choosing to not have kids. The childfree choice is not a new choice, but it is certainly a lot easier to express it nowadays than it was a few decades ago, let alone a few centuries ago,” they explained.
My life is complete without children. Plus, I'd rather just stick to cats.
With me it's my pet rats. I guess you gotta have something to love and fuss over and worry about, even if it's not kids!
For me its the myriad of mental disorders i have, i dont want to pass that on to another human being, much less my own child
There are many reasons behind choosing a childfree life, and they’re all specific to each person, the authors of Childfree Girls told us. They continued: “These include lack of a support system, lack of a permanent romantic partner, environmental concerns, medical issues, lack of financial stability, exposure to danger or risk (in war zones, for example), personal beliefs, among many others.” Moreover, “Some people just don’t want to be parents, period.” Essentially, “All reasons are valid reasons,” they explained.
I have two boys, and I love them, but boy do I wish I hadn't had them. Whether it be political, climatic, or economical, their future doesn't look too bright, and my whole life is now dedicated to making sure I can be around and financially available to help them in a cutthroat world.
Thank you for your honesty, I think a lot of parents feel the same way but are afraid to say it. It doesn't mean you don't love your children, it just means you are human. Kids are such a huge, overwhelming responsibility.
Freedom. My husband and I would probably be pretty good parents and we’re in a good spot financially, but we feel complete with each other. We have fun together and want to spend the rest of our lives without the responsibility and stress of kids.
There are many misconceptions about people who choose not to have kids in this society. So when asked how childfree people deal with societal pressure, Childfree Girls said that people cope in different ways for any number of reasons, and childfree folk are not the exception. “Unfortunately, we live in a pronatalist world, so many of us do feel pressured to have kids a lot of the time.”
“There isn’t one specific way to deal with societal pressure, and some people have a better grasp on this than others. In general terms, we believe that when childfree people are totally accepting of their own choice and have a healthy amount of self-love and self-confidence, it comes naturally to not be too adversely affected by the criticism (blatant or subtle) that might come from family, friends, co-workers, news articles, TV shows, movies, magazines, etc.”
I just have no desire. I don’t hate kids, I love my Nieces and Nephews and have a great time being an influential part of their life. However, that means that I also see how difficult and stressful it is to raise kids. I understand that people really love it and it’s worth it to them, but that’s just not me.
Have you seen the world out there? I mean several generations have already looked at serious looming problems and said, "but the children are our future! They'll fix it!"
Within my lifetime I've seen climate change go from "global warming" and very mild changes to once-in-a-century environmental events happening every year.
The boomers kept saying that one day the younger generations will be in charge and they'd deal with it then, but even now the boomers are a massive proportion of the voting population with it only being 3 years since Millenials have outnumbered them.
It's time to stop making more people until we can fix the problems we're causing.
According to Childfree Girls, some people might decide not to engage at all and let it slide. “Others see these moments as opportunities to have a conversation with others about how parenthood is a choice” they said and added that “The important thing to remember is that we do not owe an explanation, nor do we need to justify our choice to anyone.”
It's also important to note that childfree people get called “selfish” a lot, and this is a huge misconception. “We believe that understanding that we are not selfish, but self-aware, is the first step to deal with societal pressure,” the authors of Childfree Girls said. “There is nothing inherently selfish about choosing not to reproduce. There is, however, something incredibly selfish about demanding others reproduce in order to satisfy one's own ideas or beliefs about who should be creating more people.”
I find them very annoying
Oh SO many reasons. Where to begin.
I am a woman, which means 100% of the physical aspects of pregnancy (extreme nausea, discomfort, pain, hormone imbalances, etc) and then labor which is widely recognized as one of the single most painful things the body can go through. Then once the baby is born you feed it with your boobs, and in many cases are the main caretaker, emotional support, time manager, cook, maid, and breadwinner for that human. I simply do not want to do ANY of that. For me personally, pregnancy and birth is the equivalent of body horror like the Saw movies, or most aptly, Alien!
I grew up in a very culty evangelical church in the midst of Mormon Utah. So EVERYONE around has super conservative traditional values and woman’s sole purpose in life is to squeeze out kids. Not to have hopes and aspirations, careers, or anything like that. If you’re a woman where I’m from, you have to make your dream around having kids. You are only a womb and you must be owned by a man.
I have a sensory processing disorder that makes me get very overwhelmed pretty easily. Kids are noisy and messy and stinky and fragile. And while I like kids, en masse they are REALLY hard for me to be around.
Nothing about being a parent whatsoever appeals to me. I simply don’t want to do any of that. I absolutely love being able to go anywhere and do anything on a whim and I love my alone time.
I have more than my share of physical and mental disorders I would never wish on another human.
There are millions of orphans in the world - what about ME and my genes is so special that I have to create an entire new human from scratch? The world doesn’t need more people. I’m curious actually many people find making their own babies more important giving a home to child in need? (Not trying to be a dick or accusatory - genuinely curious. I know couples who’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments when that money could’ve just as easily gone to adopting a child.)
FOR THE RECORD: this is solely my opinion. I don’t expect anyone to feel the same and I’m happy for people who love kids and want to have their own.
I wanted to adopt but then my health went awry and it wouldn't be fair, let alone likely that I would have been given the go ahead.
At this point, the Childfree Girls believe that there will be more people who choose not to have children. “We’re already seeing this choice being more prevalent in people from Gen Z, who are, in general, a lot more vocal about the things that they want, what they don’t want, and what they believe in.”
“Younger generations display a growing concern for environmental, social, economic, and political issues, some of which could be alleviated or resolved by a decrease in human population. For example, in the past few years, several reports from international organizations about the reduction of the carbon footprint have been published.”
“One of these studies’ main conclusion was that the greatest impact in fighting climate change is to have one fewer child, which in some countries translates to having none (Environmental Research Letters, 2017).”
I dont even know if I will have a future myself. It feels selfish to bring a child into this world at this current state.
I don’t see the point. There are enough kids on the planet, and I don’t think I’m so precious that I need to replicate my genes. Honestly, I’ve never met anyone who is.
However, more than believing that childfree life is the future, Childfree Girls hope that in the future, people take more time to really reflect on the choice to become a parent. It’s important to realize that “bringing a child into this world is a huge responsibility and it takes a big commitment to raise happy and loved human beings. To introduce and rear a new human being because of pressure, and not out of a genuine, conscious desire, is tragic for everyone involved,” they said.
I was parentified as child to my 4 younger siblings. When I see a child now, I act nice but cannot wait to get away from it.
A child crying/screaming immediatly puts me in a angry/foul mood for the rest of the day.
I had my share of caring for kids, and have next to nothing positive come out of it...
So I'm super late to the party (as usual) but maybe one person will see this. I grew up with an abusive father. Sadly, I see myself acting like him way too much. I really hate it. I know that when I raise my voice at my mum she thinks I'm just like my father. If I ever get kids I'd mess them up. I'll be just as bad of a parent as he was and I don't want to be someone who brings this kid into the world just to end up f**king them up.
You are very brave and very insightful and I commend you for such a wise decision- you can’t change how your father treated you but you’re taking responsibility anyway and I have so much respect
I’d love to if I could be a father. Motherhood asks you to sacrifice everything from your body to identity to even your life for your child (my mom almost died in childbirth). I love my body, my financial freedom, my career, my relationship, and the cleanliness and silence of my home. I refuse to give any of that up for a child I know I would resent for upheaving my life.
I firmly believe that unless you have daydreams about having children and know you ABSOLUTELY want to have them, do NOT have them. They are not something you can feel ambivalent about. They are the ultimate lifestyle change and anyone saying otherwise is lying.
Lack of desire to become a parent or have kids.
You know how some people want kids so bad, they suffer mentally and emotionally from not having them or knowing they can't have them? How people say they feel hormonal, wanting kids real bad, they can't control it? Their ovaries are exploding? Baby fever? Or any other colloquialism about wanting to have a baby real soon?
Never had that. People kept telling me that as I'd grow older, would reach my 30s, find my soulmate, my friends start having children, etc., I would start to have that feeling. I went through all these milestones and I still EDIT don't have that desire for kids.
And I don't think it's necessary to have kids if one does not have the desire for it.
This was the problem with my ex, she wanted Kids so badly it drove her crazy when she couldn't get pregnant. We tried very hard the traditional way, then with insemination and I.V. Ruined me financially and the broke the relationship. She couldn't accept that it, specially because in her family the woman, her sisters, aunts, cousins are like factories, they pop 'em out like hot bread!! She became emotionally abusive towards me, sometimes violent....I know she tried on her own after we broke up but she never got pregnant. Now I'm single in my early 50's I'm so grateful we never had a child, I meet so many single mothers with "forked up" relationships and children, growing up with bad blood everywhere, so sad.
Bored Panda also spoke with Zoë Noble, the creator of We Are Childfree, which is a storytelling platform celebrating childfree women and gender-diverse people. It helps to explore the experiences of childfree people and dispel the myths the world holds about them.
“Personally, I never felt the need to have children, but if I was born earlier, or elsewhere, I might not have had a choice in the matter,” Zoë said and added that: “Whatever people decide to do, it's important that they make a conscious choice that's right for them and the planet.”
Kids? In this economy?
No, I’ll just settle for my cat.
Children make me uncomfortable. With very few exceptions I find them creepy and weird and not at all attractive or emotionally appealing. Babies are generally hideous to me. They do not make me want to care for them, they make me want to get away from them as quickly as possible. I’d rather have someone hand me a tarantula.
I believe having children is a privilege not a right. Parents should have to prove they deserve that privilege instead of deciding hey now I should have a baby. You have to have a driving license and insurance to have a car. You should have to have a baby license and insurance to have a baby. It should be difficult.
I've always felt children should be seen as a gift. Right feels the wrong word, especially when there are people who simply cannot. It's like saying we all have a right to sight when there are blind people. Human rights state it like this: "Men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family. They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage and at its dissolution. Marriage shall be entered into only with the free and full consent of the intending spouses. The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State". Family is the right. Access to health care and support to endeavour for a child, yes.
When asked if she thinks that more and more people are choosing not to have children, Zoë said that it may be true, “but the main cause of falling birth rates are parents choosing to have fewer children.” Moreover, “Both choices are being influenced by financial insecurity, climate anxiety, greater access to contraception and, for women, to other opportunities in their life,” she added.
I want to do what I want, when I want.
Until you're old and need someone to help you to do the things you want, when you want
Whew, so many reasons.
I like my life how it is right now. Sleeping in, taking spontaneous trips, spending my money on myself. Having a kid means your entire life changes, and I don't want my life to change.
I don't want the responsibility. See #1.
I think that global warming and other factors mean the world won't be nice for too much longer; I don't want to force someone to live through that.
I don't like children for extended periods of time - I like kids and find them sweet and funny, but they are exhausting over long periods.
This is petty, but as a woman, I don't want the body changes that come with having a baby.
And when it comes to dealing with societal pressure that so many childfree people unfortunately still experience, Zoë said finding like-minded people who support your decision is the way to cope with it.
“If you move to a big, progressive city like I did, you can find others who are living, or at least accepting of, alternative lifestyles—there are plenty of childfree people in Berlin! For other people who don't have supportive folk around them, there are more and more online communities—like mine!”
Moreover, “When you can openly and honestly discuss your feelings and decisions, in a judgement-free context, it's much easier to stand firm in your choices and love authentically,” she said.
As someone who wants to become an elementary school teacher, people are often shocked to find out I don't want children. But the reason is simple: they cost a LOT of money, they take op a lot of free time and space and I have terrible genes.
It’s expensive and I don’t wanna pass on my genes in particular.
“I think the future will see more people having fewer kids or none at all. Younger generations don't have the resources to support large families, and are more aware of the impact of that choice. And we're slowly making progress towards gender equality, with lots of (but not all) women now able to choose what they do with their lives.”
I personally don't want to put my body thru the trauma of growing and birthing a child/children, I can barely emotionally handle myself a lot of the time and don't want to risk passing on any of my mental illnesses to someone who didn't ask to be born, and they're overall a huge financial burden and with the pandemic having destroyed my personal finances, I will never be in a financial position to feel comfortable raising a child.
A good, honest, realistic self-appraisal from someone who takes care of themselves and sees things straight - good on you!
I and my wife are both financially decent off, mentally and physically healthy and could probably pull off kids without a problem as such.
We just don’t want to. We value our collective freedom to do what we want, whenever we want to — to travel, to hike up a mountain, to go surfing, et cetera — too much.
And no, we don’t get lonely, we have plenty of friends and we have our dogs that tag along for all activites :)
DINK life is pretty sweet.
So Zoë believes that it's inevitable that the childfree choice is becoming more popular, as people don't feel like they have access to, or are compelled towards, the traditional one-size-fits-all lifestyle of the heteronormative nuclear family. “Hopefully projects like mine can encourage people to embrace this change as a net good for the planet, instead of lashing out from a conservative, reactionary place. More people making conscious choices in their own interests can only be a good thing!”
Complete lack of a support system. You know the saying “it takes a village to raise a child?” Well we have no village anymore. Unless you happen to live nearby family, no one is around to help, you’re on your own. (You know those harried mothers in supermarkets who have screaming wailing children and they just look so exhausted and done with life? I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to feel that way, ever)
Money. I can barely support/ensure a future for myself, let alone a whole new human being with needs like diapers, medical visits, food, toys, etc. At 37 I’ve just started to be able to actually enjoy my life so throwing it all away because every cent needs to be spent on a kid is a recipe for mental health disaster.
Lack of body autonomy. As soon as that test is positive, your body is no longer your own. You are no longer a person, you are an incubator for “precious new life.” Doctor visits where you’re just out there for the world to see, people poking and prodding your “most secret” areas until they’re less of a secret and more of a billboard….then after you have the baby, the physical toll of giving more of yourself to feed it. I just can’t fathom that severe of a loss of self.
No sleep, constant exhaustion. I’m wiped enough working 8-5, doing a workout, cooking dinner and cleaning up after and all the other tasks of being an adult in a home, adding the additional lack of sleep and tasks of constantly keeping a child alive? I see it in peoples drawn faces and eye bags. Why would you want to invite that on yourself. (Also see lack of support system)
Kids destroy things. They make messes. I just was able to eke out a life for myself in a house and actually buy some new things and make it feel like I’m finally an adult…..for kids to ruin the couch I saved for or the tv I saved for would just be too much. Those are symbols of my hard work and accomplishments and you just destroyed it you little s—t, lol
Also I’m just scared of all the medical stuff. The things that can go wrong, the pain, the changes to your body, the pain, the recovery process (with or without anyone to help you), the pain…..
Touché, succinct, accurate, well said. It was like reading my own thoughts, feelings and life events. Especially about the couch. Or as I like to think of it - my living room throne where I can sit or recline while I wave my magic wand at the tv and transport myself to magical places with people I can change for others with another wave of my wand. Bliss.
My wife and I have tons of health issues, mental and physical, including chronic depression, crohns, epilepsy, etc.
The world is just a nasty place and there's no reason to bring a child into it anymore
Money and freedom to travel.
Kids are loud, gross, expensive and annoying and I like to sleep in and go anywhere and do anything on a dime.
I had my daughter before I was diagnosed with Crohn's, I spent her entire childhood worrying that she would also get it. If I had been diagnosed earlier, I wouldn't have chosen to pass on my seriously messed up genes. I would die for my daughter and couldn't imagine life without her, but that is because I have her.
I love my niece and nephew too but after an entire day with them i really, really need some peace and quiet. If its your own kids, you dont get that. So i imagine that but 24/7 and i dont understand how people do it.
I have three kids and I desperately need some peace and quiet XD. We do it by letting go of some of our sanity, permanently.
It's easier and cheaper being an aunt. Chase a toddler around a splash pad so that I can enjoy it too- nice. Same toddler is cranky- give it back to the parents. I might treat it to ice cream now and then but I don't have to worry about future school expenses. Etc, etc.
That whole thing about your friends start having kids and it will make you want one. Funny thing was people around me having kids was the exact reason my 50/50 went to I don't want them. I can tolerate kids for short spans of time like I'll babysit but at the end of the day I don't have to deal with the stressful part of having kids( sickness, tantrums, money, etc.)
I can barely go through my period without painkillers, I'll never manage to give birth. Also, I don't like kids, they're annoying.
they ARE annoying. 4-6 year olds are okay, but babies...ugh
I wouldn't make a good parent because of my hot temper.
I'm impatient and not good with people.
Because I believe that children deserve parents that will love them, always put them first, spend quality time with them and make sacrifices so that their children can have the best opportunities. But at the same time have the strength to set boundaries and discipline them in a healthy way so that they grow into good human beings.
Also because I don't currently have a partner or much financial stability in my life at this stage and I don't want to be a single parent or bring a child into the world if I'm not in a position to provide for them.
And I don't trust myself to be unselfish enough to be everything that I believe a child deserves. I sometimes catch myself thinking that children might be nice; but until I'm sure of myself, financially stable and in a steady relationship a child is unlikely to be in the picture.
Am very similar to OP. All of the above and I don't think it will change in time for my biological clock.
I don’t want to give birth and go through all that.. Adoption is a long process and a lot of money that I don’t have. Kids are expensive
I could write you a book. Some of my reasons have changed over the years but the reasons were always valid.
First was tokophobia. I still suffer from tokophobia but I've worked hard over the years to get better (because I didn't want it to affect my relationships with friends and their children). I've come a long way but it's still there.
Then it was money.
Then it was just the realisation it wouldn't make me happy because I think I'd be resentful about putting a child's needs and desires before my own...and they deserve that.
But then I got ill. I now live with disability and chronic pain. Having just watched my best friend struggle with even a healthy pregnancy...i think a pregnancy would leave me with irreversible damage and pain. I would be unable to care for a baby afterwards. I would severely struggle as I am right now due to chronic fatigue and chronic pain. I wouldn't be surprised if I became wheelchair bound.
That sort of hammers home my previous reasons. Control over my body is leeching away as it is. I struggle to support myself. I would be miserable, and as my body and independence eroded away I would resent that poor child who didn't ask to be born.
It's not meant for me.
It is very important that society starts realising that many people, specially women, doesnt want children and that their choice is as valid as any. I have severe health problems and was denied a hysterectomy by 3 gynecologists "because younwill change your mind". First I was 30, I am not a child. Second I need it for medical reasons, would you say the same to an apendicits patient?. The last gyn convinced me to have a less effective surgery without telling me that afterwards pregnancy would be extremely dangerous for me (26% mortality, x3 chances of ectopic pregnancy...). Even with that he refused to sterilise me "because you will change your mind". He actively endangered my health to save a minimal chance of me having a healthy baby. Obviously the hospital board did nothing against him. I am just a dumb woman afterall only good as a walking uterus. My health is less important than my hypothetical children.
This happened in Belgium, a fairly advanced and feminist country. I cannot imagine how terrible it is for women in other more conservative countries.
Load More Replies...I have 3 children, well adults now, and I love them with all my heart. I dont regret it at all. That being said, i dont understand trying to justify why you dont want kids. It's a choice that you make for yourself. You know you better than anyone. It shouldn't matter to others. It's not their lives. If you have kids just to be in the "norm" , then you're miserable and in turn so will your kids.
Do we really need a reason to not have kids? Well, I don't like kids, never have, never will.
Not having kids should be the default. I think it's far more important for people to consider why they DO want kids and to contemplate if it's a good idea, if they are suited for it, if they are ready for the sacrifices, and if they are willing to have the job for life (because amazingly, parenting responsibilities don't just magically stop when your kid turns 18).
I've seen some really good reasons for not having children, but I've also seen very sad reasons for not having children. "Not being able to afford children" is something you expect as a reason for someone living in a dangerous backward area, without access to healthcare, proper education or decent food, not in a "developed" society.
There are no bad reasons not to have children. WTF
Load More Replies...If you don't want kids, then don't have kids. No need to give a reason. Having a kid you don't want is bad for you and even worse for the kid. --- But at the same time, make sure you support people you know who do have kids, and support those children so they grow up to be effective members of society... because when you are old those kids will be adults running your community, and the quality of your community depends on them.
For me, it's simple. I have just never had the desire to. It's hard for some people to understand such a simple answer, they usually want a more in depth one but for me there isn't one. Don't want them, never have, never will. That's it.
I did not have children simply because I would not be a good mother. I thoroughly like other peoples kids. I think if more of us would realize this and not reproduce we would have less child abuse which is done mostly by parents. I find this completely abhorrent. People who don't want kids for any reason should have the intelligence not to go with the flow because you socially should have kids.
When I was sufficiently educated enough to talk about this, my initial reaction has always been no. I was horribly abused by my father, and then foster parents, childrens home staff etc etc. Then I realised I was gay and I'm sorry, I do not have anything to match baby puke. The also have depression, anxiety, Asperger's and I'm now HIV+. I don't mind holding babies, but I don't know how to engage with children. Plus I have enough trouble looking after my houseplants!
No financial security, no desire to experience pregnancy and labor, no affection for kids, no interest in parenting. Honestly, I can't find absolutely any reason that could make me consider having children.
I hate kids. I have no nieces or nephews and I actively go out of my way to avoid seeing friends who do have kids. I love animals. I love them deeply and i am fulfilled by that.
I want a kid/kids but I have no desire to give birth. There are already enough kids in the world, and pregnancy ruins your body. I'm not vain (though that's just as valid a reason), I just don't want all the side effects.
For me, it's cos it was never on my radar to begin with. I didn't play dollies as a kid, and no babies were born into my family (except my cousins who lived several countries away and we hardly saw them). In fact, the first time someone around me was pregnant was my teen cousin and it wasn't exactly met with much joy. So yeah, babies are just something I've never really been around, and have no desire for.
Are there any decent, non-selfish and non-religious reasons to have children?
Just as it's not ok to question why people don't want children, it's not ok to ask why they do. Mind your business.
Load More Replies...I have a recurring dream for more than 30 years: I am pregnant or have just had a baby, sometimes twins, and it is the worst feeling ever. I spend the whole dream just trying to give the baby away to anyone else because I know there has been a huge mistake. When I wake up, I am totally relieved, never even the tiniest bit disappointed that I don't have kids. Yeah, I am not having any children, ever 😅.
One of my siblings had eleven children. Another had nine and another had five. I figure they did more than enough reproducing to compensate for my intentional childlessness.
When I was growing up my family fostered babies; by the time I was 15 I'd changed enough nappies to last a lifetime and I didn't want kids. Still didn't want kids when I met my husband when I was 30. Despite my points that life would change unimaginably, I allowed myself to be persuaded. All through pregnancy I was ambivalent, thought I wouldn't mind if I miscarried. Love my daughter to hits but she's never been easy to manage. Then I was daft enough to have a second child, born with a genetic syndrome which just made life all the more difficult. I knew I wasn't cut out for parenthood and my biggest regret is allowing my husband to persuade me to go against my instincts...
I'm an introvert who likes solitude and I don't want anyone encroaching on that. I don't even think I could tolerate a roommate, let alone children. Do I dislike kids, absolutely not, I just have no issue admitting that I'm not cut out for parenthood.
It shouldn't be why not. It should be why. I genuinely don't think most people I know should have had kids. It's like most people aren't cut out to be nurses or teachers. If it wasn't the norm I don't think most people would do it. I know that's a chicken and egg statement. But it seems people have kids as everyone does.
I think humans are inherently flawed and that consciousness is a pretty miserable burden. It makes a hard life feel harder - in effect, we live our lives 'doubly'; once by doing the things, and again by being conscious of what we're doing. We suffer loneliness, pain, anxiety, and fear in the same double way. Nope, read Peter Wessel Zapfe's The Last Messiah and you'll see what I mean. We're a horrible biological paradox.
I am not sure if this exactly belongs here, but I consider myself a feminist. However, most feminist spaces concentrate heavily on motherhood and breastfeeding, which I support and all, but don't really engage with. I wish we could separate motherhood from womanhood, the way men seem to have separate spaces for fatherhood and men's issues and interests. In my experience with female friends, motherhood totally consumes them and becomes the primary identity in a way that fatherhood doesn't seem to do to men. Therefore I think child free women have more of a cross to bear, because once they become mothers some of our friends become lost to us.
See? People who didn't / don't want kids are more honest than people who did / do. The lies I've heard ppl say about parenting are hilarious and tragic. But some people honestly love it. Some people also self-flagellate.
Forget kids,at this point I feel relationships are just as bad.I am done with humans,I don't want to have romantic relationships,they've wrecked everyone I know.I donot want to live long either.Just do a few things and DIE.
I don't want to do a child what my parents did to me. If I change my mind after I've reached my expiration date of being able to reproduce, I will adopt a child. There are too many children out there who don't have parental love in their lives and I don't feel its fair to bring another being into this world when I know I'm too selfish to do right by them. At this time, I'm too selfish to give a child what he/she/it deserves. I'm just being responsible. I'm 34. But when I'm ready, I'll skip the InVitro and instead adopt a parentless child. Not to mention, the world doesn't need anyone of my genes...
p.s. I love kids. I love my friends kids. I love that they don't come home with me and I'm not responsible for them. I like my freedom and I like that my friends have kids so I don't have to...
Load More Replies...I come from a family of 4 kids. Birth years 1959 to 1966. We were all adopted in infancy but a few months old. We were rotten kids, put our parents through hell. Not a one of us has any kids at all. All of us have been or are married, 2 of the marriages are 30+ years. Maybe the late adoption. Maybe the threat of wait til you have kids of your own. Our poor 100% Italian mom, no grandkids.
As a happily pregnant woman whose really exited to be a parent with my partner, I understand and can relate to almost all of these. Not that you need to give a reason to not want kids - we should ask more people why they do want them. I'm glad that it's becoming more socially acceptable to not want children.
So why would you willfully bring a child into a world that's going to shits? Why? What gives you the right to force life upon someone who never asked for it?
Load More Replies...If you don’t want children that’s fine. I have no opinion on that. What I don’t get is people who are tired of being judged for not wanting kids turning around and judging parents for having them.
OH so it's okay for parents to belittle and judge child free people, but not for child free people to tell parents to shut the f up?
Load More Replies...'You can't have a kid w/ the dystopian world we live in now!' Nonsense! 1. The developed world today has the least dystopian societies ever. Life expectancy is higher than ever. We have better healthcare tech than ever. Homophobia, racism and sexism were far worse issues decades and centuries back. 2. Yes there are problems, but when were there not? Many baby boomers were born less than 5 yrs after the Holocaust was still occurring & WMDs were dropped on Japan & many WW II other atrocities had occurred. Should they simply not have been born then? Would 1900 have been some wonderful time to have kids, when, in the US and most of the world, women couldn't vote, racist lynchings happened & people could be arrested for being LGBT (as they still are in some 3rd world countries)? Or would you want to have kids in 1800, when slavery was legal? By this logic humans would've long ago gone extinct. Should we all just kill ourselves b/c the planet still has some serious problems? Nonsense!
Having a child is huge responsibility; both economy and mental wise. Having a child means keeping the child above myself, giving the child priority before mine necessities and requirements. I am just not ready for that responsibility; both economically and mentally. Thus, i do not want kids.
Oh, you don't want kid so you seek out those liIke you? O, you don't want kids, so you seek out those like you? Exactly the same. Think for yourselves and be adults. You can do either and have what you want. Quit being assholes to each other. You aren't special just because mommy said you were. (Pull the irony thread there.)
I stopped explaining myself in front of my grandma at 16 - I don't want my own children period. If can't use all the birth-control-utilities but I do my best to not get knocked up. On the other side I've gone through one abortion and if I get pregnant I won't go through a second one. Though, 10+ years ago has been a nasty life-situation. My parents (I love them) support me with/-out child and even admitted, that they got my brother and me way to early, they weren't ready and fu***ed up a great part of their and our life. Now they are the greatest adoptive grandparents you can imagine to the children of my brothers first (ex)girlfriend. They are happy, my brother is happy, I am happy. That's enough.
How lucky we are to live in an age where we have a choice! 150+ years ago, a woman would have been pressured into marriage whether she wanted to or not, as "spinsters" had few options for supporting themselves. Lack of birth control meant you just kept getting pregnant and hoped you didn't die in childbirth or of pregnancy problems.
My father was high-functioning autistic. He never really developed emotional attachments to anyone, not his parents, his wife or his kids. Pretty much the only life-form he ever loved was a cat. I'm a lot like him. I finally realized why my 'love life' was crap - I don't fall in love. Ever. I was married for 14 years to a woman a lot like my dad. She loved cats. I don't date anymore, now that I realize I don't actually care enough to make it work. If I'd had kids, in the same vein that I got married (everyone expected it of me) they'd be as damaged as I am. Not everyone should have children. There's no irony in my saying it, but my dad shouldn't have, really, either.
Simply, you need to be honest and realistic about yourself, your desires, and your abilities. I never had a great drive to have children and felt that I would be too impatient to devote the time and effort to raise children properly. In much the same way as I've never had the urge or time to build a yacht and I expect that it would not be very seaworthy if I did!
Take a look at the posts on the Facebook group called "I Regret Having Children" and you'll change your mind real fast into wanting to have kids.
That's awful. I hope the people posting there are using aliases because Facebook is not private and what's posted on the internet lives forever.
Load More Replies...it kills me that i cnt have kids and i cry a lot about it esp chrismtas, i just dont have the money but then you see kids being murdered by abusive parents ad im like how is this fair
So you want kids that you can't afford? Absolutely selfish!
Load More Replies...I have 3 older kids now and not once pressured them to make me a Grandma. I never question that subject much with them either. They will or won't have children has always been my thought and 2 of them did, just one is all they want and that is fine with me. It's no ones business who has or doesn't want children, there needs to be some who don't or we won't have room for anyone.
My child, which I had at age 43, made my entire existence make sense. I will always listen to those who proclaim they will not want, nor have a kid...but if you declare it ridiculous and have not...shut up. I lived the life, been to every place, had dinner with famous people, had love affairs, bought a house, been a pantyhose model, created paintings that were purchased, self indulged my entire life....but the kid, I created, made all that seem stupid. He taught me my worth., as an infant, taught me instantly who I am.
I am 51 years old and never had the desire to have kids or be married. Call me selfish or whatever. I always saw myself parenting as the Captain did in the musical "The Sound of Music": Stern, strict, controlling, etc. I know how that upbringing affected me, I would not wish that on my offspring. (One of my fav movies, until I uncovered the real story of the von Trapp fam)...I digress..I have always seen myself as very independent person, doing my own thing, working and traveling internationally, meeting people along the way. At 21, I got Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) quickly realized that I would never be able to care for a child: lifting them up, sitting on the floor with them, etc as the RA quickly spread throughout my body. Lucky for me, I didn't have this urge to have children, bc the RA would have limited how I could be there for a newborn/young one. Teaching children internationally, being of service fills me up. My path is challenging, but I love being of service to the world.
I never understood why I would need to defend my choice of not having kids. But it's something that's happens quite often. Colleague getting pregnant will always raise the question when it will be mine turn. Birthdays, family gatherings and such. Weddings. I don't know what the deal is. Yes, I have the age for it. And yes I am a woman. However that doesn't mean I'm looking to start a family. I usually just say that kids aren't for me, thank you for asking. But if that sparks the debate of how silly I'm being. And how I'm running out of time. And how could you not what kids. I just tell them straight up that I f*****g hate kids. (Which is true, but not socially acceptable to say) If you feel the need to go all Karen on me i sure as hell not going to sugarcoat it. Besides, with all the s**t going on in the world i feel it should be the other way around anyway. So Karen care to explain why you feel you needed 3 f*****g kids when the earth is already overpopulated. Was 1 not enough?
I am 66 and have a 45 year old son that I wish I never had! Anything and everything that has been bad in his life, according to him is my fault. He's hateful, selfish, thinks the world owes him something, is filthy, an alcoholic on and on and on. I honestly can't stand him. When he starts in with his mouth I tell I do not care and if life is so bad here please leave. But no, I'm going to be tortured until I take my last breath!!! I knew I would never make the mistake of having another kid and got fixed not long after having him!!!! So everyone on here that knows they do not want kids. You made the best decision ever!
I never wanted kids and never changed my mind. I have not regretted that choice. The thing that bugs me is that people always ask “do you have children”? Firstly when you say no, you always (as a female anyway) feel like you have to justify the answer but worse is what if you had desperately wanted them and couldn’t have them, or like a friend of mine had a child and lost it to SIDS? That can be a painful question to have to answer. When it comes to having or not having kids, people should mind their own business.
I have pretty shitty genes I don't want to pass on, plus I'm very forgetful and careless and I can't fathom taking care of a whole other person.
To people who want kids: Why?? Also: why do I have to explain myself?
No one has the right to tell any woman anywhere when, how often, or even whether they must reproduce. To do that is to deny them their autonomy and personal dignity. Plus children are horrid and I don't like being around them. And even though we're living in an Idiocracy right now, I really don't care if stupid people infest the planet with more cretins because we're already doomed by dumb-assery. We passed the tipping point a while ago.
I think a better question would have been, Why do you WANT children? So many people just get pregnant with no thought for the future. For a while I didn't want to have any. And then I did. I loved being around them. I loved their innocence. And then I couldn't have them, until I did IVF. Now I wish I could have had more than my 2 (twins). All that being said, a great many of these people that don't want them, would probably have been good parents. But I absolutely respect their desire to not have any.
For me, it was seeing one of the happiest married couples I know have their marriage degrade shortly after their first child (which was completely planned and they both wanted it). Wife started to resent having to give up her career and become a housewife, but also they didn't want to hire a nanny (which they could have afforded, he had a very good job). She became less happy in the marriage, then he became unhappy too and eventually they separated and divorced. I can't say 100% that having the child broke them up, but sure seems that way from the timing. My wife and I have no children and we are perfectly happy with that decision.
Weird that she should have to give up her career. Why not just be a working mum? Seems it's more their false expectations than the kid that separated them
Load More Replies...Tongue in cheek rant: People ask me when I'm having kids and they always seem shocked when I say I don't want them. On one hand, I'm not afraid to admit that it's because I don't want the responsibility and financial ruin for a mandatory sentence of 18 years. I've just finally broke through and started to make a viable living off my music career and having a child would mean giving that up. I like the freedom. I'm not afraid to admit that this part of my logic is totally selfish. On the other hand, I personally can't stand children, I don't like the noise, I don't like the smell and why are they always sticky? Furthermore, why do they always seem to like me so much? Am I really suitable father material as someone with zero paternal instincts acute anxiety and depression who hates children? Definitely not so it wouldn't be fair on the child. Also, I don't know who needs to hear this today but please stop trying to make people like me hold your baby, we really don't want to!
I’ve been asked before by strangers why I can’t be a mother, as they assume I’m great with kids because I have 8 nieces/nephews. Honestly, though? It would be horribly wrong to bring a child into the world if you’re totally incapable of even caring for yourself ... that’s just one of the “excuses” I can use. It would actually be very dangerous for me, considering I am type 1 diabetic on insulin, on countless meds for other issues, have an ileostomy due to missing my large bowel (which also means I have a salt deficiency), plus my diet is complicated; not just for my ileostomy but also because I haven’t a single tooth. Believe it or not, all that is just the tip of the iceberg! 🤷♀️😅
Got a good reason not to have children? Got a bad reason not to have children? That’s enough, you only need a minor inkling that parenthood ain’t for you and that’s all you need, no need to justify yourself to anyone, it’s your life. Carry on as you were, find the things in life that bring you joy and have at it. Me? I’ve got a ten year old who is a joy and a light in my life, wouldn’t swap my life as a Dad for anything. Equally I won’t tell you that it’s what you should want, why would I? I don’t know what you are going through and I’ve not walked a mile in your boots.
I see the breeders are out in all their misery glory trying to defend their bad life choices
WOW I don't really know where to start... it's ok if you you don't want to have kids BUT... in each and every response I sense the judgement of the feeling I had to have ones... maybe I didn't read it very well as my first language is not english but even if I agree with all of your reasons I feel ashamed that I've put two other humans on the planet... sorry...
Sorry, odette-i can't speak for everyone, but many child free folks are so used to having to defend our position that we can be a bit overzealous. Most of us don't object to children existing, we just wish we had the unquestioning acceptance for our choice that parents get.
Load More Replies...I read a few but had to stop. I would reply to every single one of them and it pissed me off. Having the reason of not wanting them cause of many legit reasons but most of the reasons are just from pure 100% selfish reasons. If it wasn't for your parents wanting you, you wouldn't be here. If you don't want kids cause of whatever good reason, fine and I respect that, but some of these reasons are so wrong.
If it wasn’t for our parents having us many wouldn’t be abused, rapes, murdered, have chronic illnesses. Do you reallly want to play that card?
Load More Replies...I hate them, in pretty much every way. Wouldn’t even want to be in the same room as one, let alone the same body.
Load More Replies...As a child-free person, I do get a bit over-zealous with my stance because I have to defend it all the time. I would imagine that that is how many contributors to this article feel, and it is nice to have something that puts our views out there. There are many articles that actively promote parenthood: why not the alternative?
Load More Replies...We have two children, my wife is a teacher and did not stop working - and having a child is not "producing" . There are also abusive mothers....
Load More Replies...It is very important that society starts realising that many people, specially women, doesnt want children and that their choice is as valid as any. I have severe health problems and was denied a hysterectomy by 3 gynecologists "because younwill change your mind". First I was 30, I am not a child. Second I need it for medical reasons, would you say the same to an apendicits patient?. The last gyn convinced me to have a less effective surgery without telling me that afterwards pregnancy would be extremely dangerous for me (26% mortality, x3 chances of ectopic pregnancy...). Even with that he refused to sterilise me "because you will change your mind". He actively endangered my health to save a minimal chance of me having a healthy baby. Obviously the hospital board did nothing against him. I am just a dumb woman afterall only good as a walking uterus. My health is less important than my hypothetical children.
This happened in Belgium, a fairly advanced and feminist country. I cannot imagine how terrible it is for women in other more conservative countries.
Load More Replies...I have 3 children, well adults now, and I love them with all my heart. I dont regret it at all. That being said, i dont understand trying to justify why you dont want kids. It's a choice that you make for yourself. You know you better than anyone. It shouldn't matter to others. It's not their lives. If you have kids just to be in the "norm" , then you're miserable and in turn so will your kids.
Do we really need a reason to not have kids? Well, I don't like kids, never have, never will.
Not having kids should be the default. I think it's far more important for people to consider why they DO want kids and to contemplate if it's a good idea, if they are suited for it, if they are ready for the sacrifices, and if they are willing to have the job for life (because amazingly, parenting responsibilities don't just magically stop when your kid turns 18).
I've seen some really good reasons for not having children, but I've also seen very sad reasons for not having children. "Not being able to afford children" is something you expect as a reason for someone living in a dangerous backward area, without access to healthcare, proper education or decent food, not in a "developed" society.
There are no bad reasons not to have children. WTF
Load More Replies...If you don't want kids, then don't have kids. No need to give a reason. Having a kid you don't want is bad for you and even worse for the kid. --- But at the same time, make sure you support people you know who do have kids, and support those children so they grow up to be effective members of society... because when you are old those kids will be adults running your community, and the quality of your community depends on them.
For me, it's simple. I have just never had the desire to. It's hard for some people to understand such a simple answer, they usually want a more in depth one but for me there isn't one. Don't want them, never have, never will. That's it.
I did not have children simply because I would not be a good mother. I thoroughly like other peoples kids. I think if more of us would realize this and not reproduce we would have less child abuse which is done mostly by parents. I find this completely abhorrent. People who don't want kids for any reason should have the intelligence not to go with the flow because you socially should have kids.
When I was sufficiently educated enough to talk about this, my initial reaction has always been no. I was horribly abused by my father, and then foster parents, childrens home staff etc etc. Then I realised I was gay and I'm sorry, I do not have anything to match baby puke. The also have depression, anxiety, Asperger's and I'm now HIV+. I don't mind holding babies, but I don't know how to engage with children. Plus I have enough trouble looking after my houseplants!
No financial security, no desire to experience pregnancy and labor, no affection for kids, no interest in parenting. Honestly, I can't find absolutely any reason that could make me consider having children.
I hate kids. I have no nieces or nephews and I actively go out of my way to avoid seeing friends who do have kids. I love animals. I love them deeply and i am fulfilled by that.
I want a kid/kids but I have no desire to give birth. There are already enough kids in the world, and pregnancy ruins your body. I'm not vain (though that's just as valid a reason), I just don't want all the side effects.
For me, it's cos it was never on my radar to begin with. I didn't play dollies as a kid, and no babies were born into my family (except my cousins who lived several countries away and we hardly saw them). In fact, the first time someone around me was pregnant was my teen cousin and it wasn't exactly met with much joy. So yeah, babies are just something I've never really been around, and have no desire for.
Are there any decent, non-selfish and non-religious reasons to have children?
Just as it's not ok to question why people don't want children, it's not ok to ask why they do. Mind your business.
Load More Replies...I have a recurring dream for more than 30 years: I am pregnant or have just had a baby, sometimes twins, and it is the worst feeling ever. I spend the whole dream just trying to give the baby away to anyone else because I know there has been a huge mistake. When I wake up, I am totally relieved, never even the tiniest bit disappointed that I don't have kids. Yeah, I am not having any children, ever 😅.
One of my siblings had eleven children. Another had nine and another had five. I figure they did more than enough reproducing to compensate for my intentional childlessness.
When I was growing up my family fostered babies; by the time I was 15 I'd changed enough nappies to last a lifetime and I didn't want kids. Still didn't want kids when I met my husband when I was 30. Despite my points that life would change unimaginably, I allowed myself to be persuaded. All through pregnancy I was ambivalent, thought I wouldn't mind if I miscarried. Love my daughter to hits but she's never been easy to manage. Then I was daft enough to have a second child, born with a genetic syndrome which just made life all the more difficult. I knew I wasn't cut out for parenthood and my biggest regret is allowing my husband to persuade me to go against my instincts...
I'm an introvert who likes solitude and I don't want anyone encroaching on that. I don't even think I could tolerate a roommate, let alone children. Do I dislike kids, absolutely not, I just have no issue admitting that I'm not cut out for parenthood.
It shouldn't be why not. It should be why. I genuinely don't think most people I know should have had kids. It's like most people aren't cut out to be nurses or teachers. If it wasn't the norm I don't think most people would do it. I know that's a chicken and egg statement. But it seems people have kids as everyone does.
I think humans are inherently flawed and that consciousness is a pretty miserable burden. It makes a hard life feel harder - in effect, we live our lives 'doubly'; once by doing the things, and again by being conscious of what we're doing. We suffer loneliness, pain, anxiety, and fear in the same double way. Nope, read Peter Wessel Zapfe's The Last Messiah and you'll see what I mean. We're a horrible biological paradox.
I am not sure if this exactly belongs here, but I consider myself a feminist. However, most feminist spaces concentrate heavily on motherhood and breastfeeding, which I support and all, but don't really engage with. I wish we could separate motherhood from womanhood, the way men seem to have separate spaces for fatherhood and men's issues and interests. In my experience with female friends, motherhood totally consumes them and becomes the primary identity in a way that fatherhood doesn't seem to do to men. Therefore I think child free women have more of a cross to bear, because once they become mothers some of our friends become lost to us.
See? People who didn't / don't want kids are more honest than people who did / do. The lies I've heard ppl say about parenting are hilarious and tragic. But some people honestly love it. Some people also self-flagellate.
Forget kids,at this point I feel relationships are just as bad.I am done with humans,I don't want to have romantic relationships,they've wrecked everyone I know.I donot want to live long either.Just do a few things and DIE.
I don't want to do a child what my parents did to me. If I change my mind after I've reached my expiration date of being able to reproduce, I will adopt a child. There are too many children out there who don't have parental love in their lives and I don't feel its fair to bring another being into this world when I know I'm too selfish to do right by them. At this time, I'm too selfish to give a child what he/she/it deserves. I'm just being responsible. I'm 34. But when I'm ready, I'll skip the InVitro and instead adopt a parentless child. Not to mention, the world doesn't need anyone of my genes...
p.s. I love kids. I love my friends kids. I love that they don't come home with me and I'm not responsible for them. I like my freedom and I like that my friends have kids so I don't have to...
Load More Replies...I come from a family of 4 kids. Birth years 1959 to 1966. We were all adopted in infancy but a few months old. We were rotten kids, put our parents through hell. Not a one of us has any kids at all. All of us have been or are married, 2 of the marriages are 30+ years. Maybe the late adoption. Maybe the threat of wait til you have kids of your own. Our poor 100% Italian mom, no grandkids.
As a happily pregnant woman whose really exited to be a parent with my partner, I understand and can relate to almost all of these. Not that you need to give a reason to not want kids - we should ask more people why they do want them. I'm glad that it's becoming more socially acceptable to not want children.
So why would you willfully bring a child into a world that's going to shits? Why? What gives you the right to force life upon someone who never asked for it?
Load More Replies...If you don’t want children that’s fine. I have no opinion on that. What I don’t get is people who are tired of being judged for not wanting kids turning around and judging parents for having them.
OH so it's okay for parents to belittle and judge child free people, but not for child free people to tell parents to shut the f up?
Load More Replies...'You can't have a kid w/ the dystopian world we live in now!' Nonsense! 1. The developed world today has the least dystopian societies ever. Life expectancy is higher than ever. We have better healthcare tech than ever. Homophobia, racism and sexism were far worse issues decades and centuries back. 2. Yes there are problems, but when were there not? Many baby boomers were born less than 5 yrs after the Holocaust was still occurring & WMDs were dropped on Japan & many WW II other atrocities had occurred. Should they simply not have been born then? Would 1900 have been some wonderful time to have kids, when, in the US and most of the world, women couldn't vote, racist lynchings happened & people could be arrested for being LGBT (as they still are in some 3rd world countries)? Or would you want to have kids in 1800, when slavery was legal? By this logic humans would've long ago gone extinct. Should we all just kill ourselves b/c the planet still has some serious problems? Nonsense!
Having a child is huge responsibility; both economy and mental wise. Having a child means keeping the child above myself, giving the child priority before mine necessities and requirements. I am just not ready for that responsibility; both economically and mentally. Thus, i do not want kids.
Oh, you don't want kid so you seek out those liIke you? O, you don't want kids, so you seek out those like you? Exactly the same. Think for yourselves and be adults. You can do either and have what you want. Quit being assholes to each other. You aren't special just because mommy said you were. (Pull the irony thread there.)
I stopped explaining myself in front of my grandma at 16 - I don't want my own children period. If can't use all the birth-control-utilities but I do my best to not get knocked up. On the other side I've gone through one abortion and if I get pregnant I won't go through a second one. Though, 10+ years ago has been a nasty life-situation. My parents (I love them) support me with/-out child and even admitted, that they got my brother and me way to early, they weren't ready and fu***ed up a great part of their and our life. Now they are the greatest adoptive grandparents you can imagine to the children of my brothers first (ex)girlfriend. They are happy, my brother is happy, I am happy. That's enough.
How lucky we are to live in an age where we have a choice! 150+ years ago, a woman would have been pressured into marriage whether she wanted to or not, as "spinsters" had few options for supporting themselves. Lack of birth control meant you just kept getting pregnant and hoped you didn't die in childbirth or of pregnancy problems.
My father was high-functioning autistic. He never really developed emotional attachments to anyone, not his parents, his wife or his kids. Pretty much the only life-form he ever loved was a cat. I'm a lot like him. I finally realized why my 'love life' was crap - I don't fall in love. Ever. I was married for 14 years to a woman a lot like my dad. She loved cats. I don't date anymore, now that I realize I don't actually care enough to make it work. If I'd had kids, in the same vein that I got married (everyone expected it of me) they'd be as damaged as I am. Not everyone should have children. There's no irony in my saying it, but my dad shouldn't have, really, either.
Simply, you need to be honest and realistic about yourself, your desires, and your abilities. I never had a great drive to have children and felt that I would be too impatient to devote the time and effort to raise children properly. In much the same way as I've never had the urge or time to build a yacht and I expect that it would not be very seaworthy if I did!
Take a look at the posts on the Facebook group called "I Regret Having Children" and you'll change your mind real fast into wanting to have kids.
That's awful. I hope the people posting there are using aliases because Facebook is not private and what's posted on the internet lives forever.
Load More Replies...it kills me that i cnt have kids and i cry a lot about it esp chrismtas, i just dont have the money but then you see kids being murdered by abusive parents ad im like how is this fair
So you want kids that you can't afford? Absolutely selfish!
Load More Replies...I have 3 older kids now and not once pressured them to make me a Grandma. I never question that subject much with them either. They will or won't have children has always been my thought and 2 of them did, just one is all they want and that is fine with me. It's no ones business who has or doesn't want children, there needs to be some who don't or we won't have room for anyone.
My child, which I had at age 43, made my entire existence make sense. I will always listen to those who proclaim they will not want, nor have a kid...but if you declare it ridiculous and have not...shut up. I lived the life, been to every place, had dinner with famous people, had love affairs, bought a house, been a pantyhose model, created paintings that were purchased, self indulged my entire life....but the kid, I created, made all that seem stupid. He taught me my worth., as an infant, taught me instantly who I am.
I am 51 years old and never had the desire to have kids or be married. Call me selfish or whatever. I always saw myself parenting as the Captain did in the musical "The Sound of Music": Stern, strict, controlling, etc. I know how that upbringing affected me, I would not wish that on my offspring. (One of my fav movies, until I uncovered the real story of the von Trapp fam)...I digress..I have always seen myself as very independent person, doing my own thing, working and traveling internationally, meeting people along the way. At 21, I got Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) quickly realized that I would never be able to care for a child: lifting them up, sitting on the floor with them, etc as the RA quickly spread throughout my body. Lucky for me, I didn't have this urge to have children, bc the RA would have limited how I could be there for a newborn/young one. Teaching children internationally, being of service fills me up. My path is challenging, but I love being of service to the world.
I never understood why I would need to defend my choice of not having kids. But it's something that's happens quite often. Colleague getting pregnant will always raise the question when it will be mine turn. Birthdays, family gatherings and such. Weddings. I don't know what the deal is. Yes, I have the age for it. And yes I am a woman. However that doesn't mean I'm looking to start a family. I usually just say that kids aren't for me, thank you for asking. But if that sparks the debate of how silly I'm being. And how I'm running out of time. And how could you not what kids. I just tell them straight up that I f*****g hate kids. (Which is true, but not socially acceptable to say) If you feel the need to go all Karen on me i sure as hell not going to sugarcoat it. Besides, with all the s**t going on in the world i feel it should be the other way around anyway. So Karen care to explain why you feel you needed 3 f*****g kids when the earth is already overpopulated. Was 1 not enough?
I am 66 and have a 45 year old son that I wish I never had! Anything and everything that has been bad in his life, according to him is my fault. He's hateful, selfish, thinks the world owes him something, is filthy, an alcoholic on and on and on. I honestly can't stand him. When he starts in with his mouth I tell I do not care and if life is so bad here please leave. But no, I'm going to be tortured until I take my last breath!!! I knew I would never make the mistake of having another kid and got fixed not long after having him!!!! So everyone on here that knows they do not want kids. You made the best decision ever!
I never wanted kids and never changed my mind. I have not regretted that choice. The thing that bugs me is that people always ask “do you have children”? Firstly when you say no, you always (as a female anyway) feel like you have to justify the answer but worse is what if you had desperately wanted them and couldn’t have them, or like a friend of mine had a child and lost it to SIDS? That can be a painful question to have to answer. When it comes to having or not having kids, people should mind their own business.
I have pretty shitty genes I don't want to pass on, plus I'm very forgetful and careless and I can't fathom taking care of a whole other person.
To people who want kids: Why?? Also: why do I have to explain myself?
No one has the right to tell any woman anywhere when, how often, or even whether they must reproduce. To do that is to deny them their autonomy and personal dignity. Plus children are horrid and I don't like being around them. And even though we're living in an Idiocracy right now, I really don't care if stupid people infest the planet with more cretins because we're already doomed by dumb-assery. We passed the tipping point a while ago.
I think a better question would have been, Why do you WANT children? So many people just get pregnant with no thought for the future. For a while I didn't want to have any. And then I did. I loved being around them. I loved their innocence. And then I couldn't have them, until I did IVF. Now I wish I could have had more than my 2 (twins). All that being said, a great many of these people that don't want them, would probably have been good parents. But I absolutely respect their desire to not have any.
For me, it was seeing one of the happiest married couples I know have their marriage degrade shortly after their first child (which was completely planned and they both wanted it). Wife started to resent having to give up her career and become a housewife, but also they didn't want to hire a nanny (which they could have afforded, he had a very good job). She became less happy in the marriage, then he became unhappy too and eventually they separated and divorced. I can't say 100% that having the child broke them up, but sure seems that way from the timing. My wife and I have no children and we are perfectly happy with that decision.
Weird that she should have to give up her career. Why not just be a working mum? Seems it's more their false expectations than the kid that separated them
Load More Replies...Tongue in cheek rant: People ask me when I'm having kids and they always seem shocked when I say I don't want them. On one hand, I'm not afraid to admit that it's because I don't want the responsibility and financial ruin for a mandatory sentence of 18 years. I've just finally broke through and started to make a viable living off my music career and having a child would mean giving that up. I like the freedom. I'm not afraid to admit that this part of my logic is totally selfish. On the other hand, I personally can't stand children, I don't like the noise, I don't like the smell and why are they always sticky? Furthermore, why do they always seem to like me so much? Am I really suitable father material as someone with zero paternal instincts acute anxiety and depression who hates children? Definitely not so it wouldn't be fair on the child. Also, I don't know who needs to hear this today but please stop trying to make people like me hold your baby, we really don't want to!
I’ve been asked before by strangers why I can’t be a mother, as they assume I’m great with kids because I have 8 nieces/nephews. Honestly, though? It would be horribly wrong to bring a child into the world if you’re totally incapable of even caring for yourself ... that’s just one of the “excuses” I can use. It would actually be very dangerous for me, considering I am type 1 diabetic on insulin, on countless meds for other issues, have an ileostomy due to missing my large bowel (which also means I have a salt deficiency), plus my diet is complicated; not just for my ileostomy but also because I haven’t a single tooth. Believe it or not, all that is just the tip of the iceberg! 🤷♀️😅
Got a good reason not to have children? Got a bad reason not to have children? That’s enough, you only need a minor inkling that parenthood ain’t for you and that’s all you need, no need to justify yourself to anyone, it’s your life. Carry on as you were, find the things in life that bring you joy and have at it. Me? I’ve got a ten year old who is a joy and a light in my life, wouldn’t swap my life as a Dad for anything. Equally I won’t tell you that it’s what you should want, why would I? I don’t know what you are going through and I’ve not walked a mile in your boots.
I see the breeders are out in all their misery glory trying to defend their bad life choices
WOW I don't really know where to start... it's ok if you you don't want to have kids BUT... in each and every response I sense the judgement of the feeling I had to have ones... maybe I didn't read it very well as my first language is not english but even if I agree with all of your reasons I feel ashamed that I've put two other humans on the planet... sorry...
Sorry, odette-i can't speak for everyone, but many child free folks are so used to having to defend our position that we can be a bit overzealous. Most of us don't object to children existing, we just wish we had the unquestioning acceptance for our choice that parents get.
Load More Replies...I read a few but had to stop. I would reply to every single one of them and it pissed me off. Having the reason of not wanting them cause of many legit reasons but most of the reasons are just from pure 100% selfish reasons. If it wasn't for your parents wanting you, you wouldn't be here. If you don't want kids cause of whatever good reason, fine and I respect that, but some of these reasons are so wrong.
If it wasn’t for our parents having us many wouldn’t be abused, rapes, murdered, have chronic illnesses. Do you reallly want to play that card?
Load More Replies...I hate them, in pretty much every way. Wouldn’t even want to be in the same room as one, let alone the same body.
Load More Replies...As a child-free person, I do get a bit over-zealous with my stance because I have to defend it all the time. I would imagine that that is how many contributors to this article feel, and it is nice to have something that puts our views out there. There are many articles that actively promote parenthood: why not the alternative?
Load More Replies...We have two children, my wife is a teacher and did not stop working - and having a child is not "producing" . There are also abusive mothers....
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