“AITA For Choosing A Concert Over My Best Friend’s Wedding?”
Interview With Expert
When planning a wedding, the couple likely imagines being surrounded by their closest family and friends. However, life has a funny way of sneaking up on us, and sometimes this is not possible.
For redditor Old_Explanation6923, something that prevented her from celebrating her best friend’s special day was a concert she had booked way prior to her getting married. Although the bride knew of her plans in advance, she expected her to cancel them. When she refused, she consequently angered the bride, putting their friendship at risk.
Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with Hannah Chala, event producer and founder of More Events CA, who kindly agreed to give us some pointers on how to announce such news to a best friend.
Sometimes, celebrating a best friend’s special day is just not possible
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
Just like what happened to this friend, who decided to choose a concert over her best friend’s wedding
Image credits: GE Gifts (not the actual photo)
Image source: Old_Explanation6923
Breaking such news to your best friend requires honesty and empathy
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
There are plenty of reasons why a person might not make it to the bride and groom’s big day. Perhaps they’ve started a new job and aren’t able to take time off for a destination or workday wedding. Or they might be dealing with personal issues that demand the entirety of their attention.
Bored Panda reached out to Hannah Chala, event producer and founder of More Events CA, who tells us that breaking such news to your best friend requires honesty and empathy, especially if they were asked to be a bridesmaid. “This is best done in person,” she says.
“Start by expressing your regret for not being able to attend, and provide a genuine reason why it’s not possible. And of course, do your best to reassure her of your continued support and love, and if you’re so inclined, offer to be there for her during the planning process.”
If upset feelings lead to disagreements, Chala recommends allowing the bride to process her thoughts and encouraging her to express what she needs when she’s ready. “The key is to validate each other’s perspectives and work towards understanding and forgiveness. Reaffirm the importance of your friendship and focus on ways that you can move forward,” she adds.
Finding other ways to celebrate the occasion with the couple might help reduce any resentment
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Once the hard part is over, try not to distance yourself from the friend because you’re guilty. “Often people want to disappear because they feel uncomfortable when the exact opposite should happen,” etiquette expert Diane Gottsman said. Being mature about it and checking in with them throughout the wedding process shows your support and enthusiasm for the big day, even though you won’t be there.
Chala suggests that helping with certain aspects of wedding day preparations is a great starting point. “This can include wedding dress shopping, collecting photos for a wedding day slide show, or helping plan and attend pre-wedding events (bachelorette party, wedding shower).
For the wedding day itself, you can send a card for the bride to open on the wedding morning, FaceTime while she’s getting ready, send a video message, or arrange a special dinner or outing (spa day anyone?!) before or after the wedding, or contribute to their honeymoon fund.”
Chala herself has been in the bride’s place, as her best friend and bridesmaid couldn’t attend because she just had her second baby and wasn’t able to travel across the country. She shares, “I was of course devastated when she initially told me, but over the course of my engagement, she was always supportive, listened to me vent about wedding planning, helped where she could, attended my wedding shower, and was even there for me from afar on my wedding day.
She sent me a really sweet card for me to open during the morning, along with a small gift that was my “something borrowed.” And then, a few months after the wedding, when we came home for the holidays, she and her husband took me and my new husband out for an amazing dinner. To this day (10 years later), we are still the best of friends.”
The author received undivided support from readers
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There'll be a blank space at one of the tables, oh what a cruel summer for them.
Just judging by what we're told here, OP will be able to attend her friend Jessy's next wedding and maybe more after that while the concert could be a one-time opportunity. Enjoy the concert.
The bride is testing her friend, and in doing so showed her own true colors. The "right thing" was to either schedule the wedding on another day, or if that wasn't possible understand that not everyone can/will "drop everything" to attend.
Yeah that's the bit that gripes me. Maybe she had no choice but to book that day. But her reaction should have been "I'm really sorry that was the only day we got. We'd love you to come, but we understand if you can't make it." Any time you expect someone to drop something that is costing them a lot of effort and money you're not the friend in the story.
Load More Replies...
Sure OP could sell her tickets - prob make some money on them, could cancel the hotel and plane. She could attend the wedding. Would the *friend* recognize the sacrifice? No she would not. The bride is testing their friendship, and FA and now she FO.
It's even worse. She'd think it was the barest minimum she deserved and probably demanded whatever OP could get for the tickets as a gift on top, otherwise the 'sacrifice' wouldn't count.
Load More Replies...
Control, manipulation, and abuse. Start re-evaluating your "friendship" and look for all the red flags you missed previously.
She knew a year in advance about the concert yet purposely picked the same day for her wedding expecting her to drop everything. I wouldn't call that a friend, much less a best friend.
Well.....it's Taylor!! She can go to her friend's next wedding in a couple of years.
OP would be wise to do a mental re-visit of her relationship with her "friend," and see if there were other times where she was expected to accommodate her by making uncomfortable sacrifices. Also, if the situation were reversed, would her friend have accommodated HER? Methinks that OP should enjoy the concert, trip, and the radio silence from the bridezilla. Oh, and not to expect the brat to show up at HER wedding; that kind of negativity belongs in a dumpster.
What a nasty thing to do, to back someone in a corner on purpose. Why is no one paying attention to the fact that this friend chose her marriage date knowing OP had made plans a year before? That's just unreasonable. I hope people start to think rationally and not in terms of 'bride's day, bride's way' or something similar idiotic. Being a would-be bride doesn't absolve you from common decency, you know.
I don't even like T.Swift and I'm still on OPs side. Honestly I wouldn't care if it was family much less a "best" friend. If they knew for over a year that I spent thousands of dollars on my dream trip and purposely scheduled a wedding in the period they knew I would be gone than I would take it as you knew not to expect me to be there.
That her own parents are trying to guilt-trip her is beyond the pale (I'd be interested to know what her Fiancé has to say about it - and if his parents are weighing in too). She should say to her (traitorous) parents, "Okidoki, you pay the flight/hotel cancellation fees, as well as the tickets (yeah, we know, lol 😉), etc, and we MAY (surrre) consider". They'd soon back off, I reckon.
Isn't this why you send out "save the date" cards before sending out the actual invites? It sounds like the friend wasn't smart enough to do that. Not a huge TS fan, but if you got a trip planned you go! Not your problem.
I’m curious how you think sending “save the date” cards would somehow retroactively rejig reality? The bride to be wasn’t even engaged when OP booked their concert trip. The wedding date was only announced last month. By my calculations that’s about eight months after OPs trip was already scheduled.
Load More Replies... Why on earth should I value a person over an event I've planned for over a year and that cost hundreds of dollars I can't get back who willfully and intentionally created a situation that forced me to do so, and even telling me they don't care about me and expect me to drop everything on their whim? That person gave immediate proof that she isn't a friend to OP because she created this situation. It was 100% within her control and she did it to actively create a situation to hurt OP as a test, demanding that OP hurts herself as some sort of proof of loyalty. But friendship hoes both ways, and people who love you will not actively create situations to hurt you. It is one thing if the wedding was already planned before the concert was announced, to ask your friend to not buy tickets, that's a reasonable request, and a good friend should then choose the wedding. But this is proof that this woman thinks she's above OP and can demand what she wants, she doesn't value OP at all.
So, the bridezilla knew in advance the date she was choosing was during the time of your preplanned, well-in-advance trip and concert, but expects you to drop everything for her and at great expense? Frack that narcissistic nonsense. Maybe she will invite you to her next wedding, or the one after that...
This situation would make a good Taylor Swift song... Also, this friendship is over.
There'll be a blank space at one of the tables, oh what a cruel summer for them.
Just judging by what we're told here, OP will be able to attend her friend Jessy's next wedding and maybe more after that while the concert could be a one-time opportunity. Enjoy the concert.
The bride is testing her friend, and in doing so showed her own true colors. The "right thing" was to either schedule the wedding on another day, or if that wasn't possible understand that not everyone can/will "drop everything" to attend.
Yeah that's the bit that gripes me. Maybe she had no choice but to book that day. But her reaction should have been "I'm really sorry that was the only day we got. We'd love you to come, but we understand if you can't make it." Any time you expect someone to drop something that is costing them a lot of effort and money you're not the friend in the story.
Load More Replies... Sure OP could sell her tickets - prob make some money on them, could cancel the hotel and plane. She could attend the wedding. Would the *friend* recognize the sacrifice? No she would not. The bride is testing their friendship, and FA and now she FO.
It's even worse. She'd think it was the barest minimum she deserved and probably demanded whatever OP could get for the tickets as a gift on top, otherwise the 'sacrifice' wouldn't count.
Load More Replies... Control, manipulation, and abuse. Start re-evaluating your "friendship" and look for all the red flags you missed previously.
She knew a year in advance about the concert yet purposely picked the same day for her wedding expecting her to drop everything. I wouldn't call that a friend, much less a best friend.
Well.....it's Taylor!! She can go to her friend's next wedding in a couple of years.
OP would be wise to do a mental re-visit of her relationship with her "friend," and see if there were other times where she was expected to accommodate her by making uncomfortable sacrifices. Also, if the situation were reversed, would her friend have accommodated HER? Methinks that OP should enjoy the concert, trip, and the radio silence from the bridezilla. Oh, and not to expect the brat to show up at HER wedding; that kind of negativity belongs in a dumpster.
What a nasty thing to do, to back someone in a corner on purpose. Why is no one paying attention to the fact that this friend chose her marriage date knowing OP had made plans a year before? That's just unreasonable. I hope people start to think rationally and not in terms of 'bride's day, bride's way' or something similar idiotic. Being a would-be bride doesn't absolve you from common decency, you know.
I don't even like T.Swift and I'm still on OPs side. Honestly I wouldn't care if it was family much less a "best" friend. If they knew for over a year that I spent thousands of dollars on my dream trip and purposely scheduled a wedding in the period they knew I would be gone than I would take it as you knew not to expect me to be there.
That her own parents are trying to guilt-trip her is beyond the pale (I'd be interested to know what her Fiancé has to say about it - and if his parents are weighing in too). She should say to her (traitorous) parents, "Okidoki, you pay the flight/hotel cancellation fees, as well as the tickets (yeah, we know, lol 😉), etc, and we MAY (surrre) consider". They'd soon back off, I reckon.
Isn't this why you send out "save the date" cards before sending out the actual invites? It sounds like the friend wasn't smart enough to do that. Not a huge TS fan, but if you got a trip planned you go! Not your problem.
I’m curious how you think sending “save the date” cards would somehow retroactively rejig reality? The bride to be wasn’t even engaged when OP booked their concert trip. The wedding date was only announced last month. By my calculations that’s about eight months after OPs trip was already scheduled.
Load More Replies... Why on earth should I value a person over an event I've planned for over a year and that cost hundreds of dollars I can't get back who willfully and intentionally created a situation that forced me to do so, and even telling me they don't care about me and expect me to drop everything on their whim? That person gave immediate proof that she isn't a friend to OP because she created this situation. It was 100% within her control and she did it to actively create a situation to hurt OP as a test, demanding that OP hurts herself as some sort of proof of loyalty. But friendship hoes both ways, and people who love you will not actively create situations to hurt you. It is one thing if the wedding was already planned before the concert was announced, to ask your friend to not buy tickets, that's a reasonable request, and a good friend should then choose the wedding. But this is proof that this woman thinks she's above OP and can demand what she wants, she doesn't value OP at all.
So, the bridezilla knew in advance the date she was choosing was during the time of your preplanned, well-in-advance trip and concert, but expects you to drop everything for her and at great expense? Frack that narcissistic nonsense. Maybe she will invite you to her next wedding, or the one after that...
This situation would make a good Taylor Swift song... Also, this friendship is over.
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