Someone Online Was Curious About “What’s Your Unspoken Mom Code?” And 33 Mothers Came Through
There is no arguing that motherhood is challenging. Raising a brand new human into a well-developed, grown person is a huge responsibility requiring tons of time, effort, and patience.
Fortunately, thanks to their shared understanding, no mother is ever truly left to deal with this alone, regardless of her situation. This occurrence is known as the unspoken mom code, and in this Reddit thread, women share what they do to make it a little easier for fellow mothers.
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Give parents with disabled kids as much grace as possible. That’s an unimaginably hard job.
Yes! We went to a community sleep over and there was a severely handicapped girl there with her mom .. poor thing moaned and cried and fussed and needed her mom all night. I tried to help, is there something we can do? The mom just started sobbing .. it's like this every single night. Girl is in my prayers every single day
I will stand in the path of your toddler who is attempting to run away
Yes, and i will not hesitate to grab said child if they are visibly heading into danger(ex: a road)... id rather an angry child than a dead one
My teen pointed this out to me- I didn’t even realize I do it- but if I see a child without an adult in arms reach I just stop and stare until I figure out who their adult is or talk with them until their adult Comes if no one is around. I think it’s just engrained in me!
If you see a kid in danger, and it doesn't look like any other adult is going to do something, do something.
Little kid, maybe 3 to 4 yrs old ran into the road a couple of days ago, car in front of me stopped, young man got out, car going opposite way stopped, an older woman got out. This kid was ignoring both of their encouragement to get off the road, I was going to get out too and start door knocking but mum suddenly ran out and grabbed him. In the meantime Mr expert with the hotted up sports car behind me has started tooting and yelling "get back in your cars, you're blocking traffic" with no regard to the little kid at all. He earned 4 sets of 1 finger salutes that I counted, arrogant twat.
Solidarity, not shame, when someone else's child is tantruming in public.
I think the people who tut and try to shame tantrums are the same group who tut and shame teens with poor manners. A fair amount of those teens behave like that because their parents gave in to every tantrum - perhaps because of the shaming. Give sympathy to the great parents out there dealing with toddler tantrums
I will entertain stranger's kids in confined public spaces (like buses or lineups) when I am not with my kids because it's such a godsend when people entertain mine.
Was on a 3 hour flight with meh mum, the seats were arranged with me in the middle, my mum by the window, and a mother and her infant in the isle... i had headphones on but i noticed the infant kept staring at me (this was before i had green hair) i slid the head phones off and the mother went "oh, thats a neat neck pillow you have" [the neck pillow was a caterpiller that was shaped like a neck pillow] she asked if she could use it to put her infant to sleep, me not really using it (i wasnt planning on sleepin) and my mum being an experienced mother said yes... babi was quiet the entire flight and she thanked me for the pillow :]
If you let your boyfriend abuse your kids and you choose your bf, you are no longer my friend.
If your bf kicks your (autistic spectrum) teen out of the house and you don't stand up for your kid because you're afraid your bf will leave you, I have lost all respect for you as a mother and a human. (Just watched it happen last night. I am still enraged..)
Don’t feed someone else’s kid without asking
Oh, never! Whenever little kids, whether theyre family or not, ask me for a bite or serving of something of mine i always tell them to ask their guardian... dont wanna risk an allergic reaction or worse...
Compliment parents who go out on public with stickers on their faces or toddler marker "tattoos."
Was volunteering at a day camp, helping out with the kids... one of our guys (about 30-40) was helping out with face paint and crafts, he made it verbally clear that he didnt want paint on his face, well, that didnt last long, at the end of the camp he had purple kitten wiskers, green beard, grey eye, and a hand print on his shirt... but a LOT of happy lil faces :]
I give honest feedback when another parent asks how things are going with xyz in relation to the kids. 4yo is a picky eater but doing well otherwise. Baby is still waking at night but we’ll turn a corner soon. I think parents find solace when they hear real stories from other parents.
Always offer to take photos of moms with their kids if I see them grabbing pictures of just the kids.
If your kid has an accident, the extra clothes in my bag are yours.
Absolutely! A kid fell in the pond recently at the Japanese gardens near us (not deep) and after his embarrassed mum fished him out, I discreetly went over and asked if she had a change of clothes for him. She did, but she also gave me and my daughter sweeties to say thank you :)
If I am at a playground with friends we will help each other’s kids and do zone parenting- it’s an unspoken rule.
I will warn you if my kid is even slightly suspected to be sick or we were recently exposed to an illness but aren’t currently sick so you can make a judgment call on if you want to be near us. To a weirdly specific amount “they sneezed 3 times today, could be nothing? Could be a new global pandemic- no fever but acting normal FYi”
I expect you to do the same. Even if it’s “they have chronic asthma and that barky cough is lingering from an asthma attack this morning.”
I’ll never forget before I had kids one of my friends had 4 kids, saved for years and was leaving on a dream vacation to Hawaii, she was leaving in a few days… when another mom casually mentioned (an hour into a visit) her kid was confirmed positive with Flu A AND B.
We cut her out of our lives after that and refer to her as “fluzie Suzie” thankfully Hawaii moms kid didn’t get sick (she had an awesome trip!) but the sheer stupidity of exposing us all and thinking it was fine?? It was unreal.
RESPECT THE NAP/ routine
Damn, I wish parents would follow this one. I can't count how many cranky and crying small children would be on the 11pm ferry from Seattle. C'mon, parents, they're tired! If you know they're going to be upset by not getting to sleep when they should, maybe you shouldn't be so selfish and consider a babysitter next time.
This thread makes me so happy.
Today we were loading our twin 3.5yr olds into the car at the farmers market. My boy twin wasn’t being bad just taking his sweet time sitting straight in his seat, getting buckled etc. This older lady was waiting to get into her car next to us and was like “ok T, let’s get buckled real quick someone is waiting (!!!)” and she was like “oh don’t worry, I remember those days!” Similarly, someone at the store watched my daughter in the cart (right behind me) in the parking lot while I loaded her brother. And it was just this nice little balm of relief. So whenever I see someone with kids I hold the door or give a knowing smile because that solidarity is everything.
This is not exacty ‘unspoken’, but I ask moms ( and dads) how they are doing. And genuinely try to actually ‘see’ and ‘hear’ their response. We all do so much, but all focus and energy is on the kids. It’s really special when someone acknowledge and ‘sees’ me and all I do so I try to do the same.
Can go both ways. After my sister's funeral, I was talking with my 11yo nephew and asked him how he thought his dad was handling things. He was so relieved to be able to talk about his concerns about his dad.
I pass on my grandmother’s wisdom to “never wake a sleeping baby.” I try not to wake sleeping tweens if I can help it! Kids need sleep!
Never use the phrase “just you wait until….”, especially about something negative.
OMG! Can someone please tell my mother this now! And can we stop explaining how HARD I was to raise...
If I have a crying kid next to me on a plane or bus, offer the parent some help.
All my supplies are available to any who need it if I have it on hand. Diapers, wipes, tissues, bandaids, snacks, even tampons if need be. My purse is PACKED lol
I realized I alwayd give up my space in line to parents with kids too lol.. if I'm out without my kid that is. I understand all to well needing to get the f**k ouuuuuutt and finish up whatever errand you're on.
And lastly I never judge, only listen and support. If you want to tell me you just f*****g hate being a mom today, I am here. We all have those days.
I'm known as the "nurse" in my family because I carry wet wipes, an emergency kit, plus acetaminophen, ibuprofen, allergy meds, eye drops, etc in my purse. A friend was getting overheated, close to passing out, I had Vicks vapor rub, so put some on her neck (carotid artery and inside wrists, pulse points) and cooked her off enough until she could get to shade and have some water.
For me, it’s all of these, but also when I see a mom in a public bathroom with a baby that needs a diaper changed, I always ask if they would like some help. There have been times when I needed it and there was no one around.
Speaking of this...my genius of a sister came up w/ a great solution for public bathrooms & those changing tables...PUPPY PADS!!!!!!! They're small enough to fold to put a bunch in your diaper bag & then when you're done using it, just toss it in the trash. If your baby has a diaper blowout, wipe them down w/ the puppy pad, etc. So many uses!!! Took her being a grandma to come up w/ that one. Woulda been nice to know when I had my 4 kids...LOL
Offer to help a mom traveling solo with a kid at the airport if I’m able (once offered to help unfold the stroller but the woman said I could hold her 1yo! I was away from mine the same age so it was nice for both of us.)
Apology for length in advance. I left active duty in late '89 while pregnant with my youngest. Fast forward to May '91, I was traveling from Kaneohe Bay, HI(my last active duty assignment and where my husband and I were living afterwards.) to my parents house in Upstate NY with all 3 kids in tow. Oldest was 4, middle child not yet 3 and my youngest, just over a year old. We flew into O'Hare airport at one end and our connecting flight was leaving in 15 minutes....at the clear other side of the airport. The flight attendant and co-pilot jumped into action. The co-pilot contacted the other plane, explained the situation and asked them to wait. The flight attendant picked up my carry on and my middle son. I pushed our stroller with my oldest in it and my daughter in a baby pack on my back. We got there and they gave us enough time to check in, board the plane and get situated before the flight attendant left. I've never been so thankful for anyone's help ever!
Unless I have a very good reason to say no, our RSVP for birthday party invites will be yes.
A mom with sunscreen at a park once was a lifesaver when I forgot mine.
If I see a mom or dad struggling with an unruly kid I always give them a smile and nod, typically even a comment to the effect that they are doing a good job.
If I'm with my kids (3 and 4) and we see or hear a baby or child crying they will ask me "why is that baby crying" and I just tell them that's what babies do or just that sometimes kids have bad days and that's okay.
If I am grocery shopping and you have your kids but I don’t, I let you cut in front of me.
I send a little "I'm thinking of you" present (usually coffee gift card) to new mom friends at 6 weeks postpartum. I feel like that's the loneliest point in the journey because most other people don't check on you as much and many people have to start prepping to return to work, etc.
I am flying to the UK next month fory daughter-in-law. She has a almost 7 year old, autistic daughter, a 15 month old son and is due at the end of November. She lost her parents young and my son has to work. I just plan on helping out so she can rest when she needs to and bond with the new peanut without having to run around after the other 2 and try to keep house. And lots of pampering.
Always offer to take their cart back.
My son (almost 16 years old) may be on the spectrum, but he puts the cart back for me (I'm disabled) and will grab extras on the way. He's even offered to help empty the cart into the car for elderly, or disabled, or parents with unruly children. I've never told him to offer help, he's just done it. I'm so proud of my son
Compliment. Smile. Share stuff. Offer help. Try to remember that not everyone has your knowledge and privilege.
I mean I guess these are good rules in general but I think particularly for other parents.
If a mom has a well behaved kid on a plane or wherever, I always compliment her.
If one mom declares the park is closing, we are all leaving. Park is CLOSED Hahaha.
I will definitely try to distract your whining child when stuck in line by making weird faces or complimenting them on something, like that their shoes are really cool. Usually either they will talk to me (I always make eye contact with the parent so I know they aren't freaked out), or go silent and hide lol!
I do the same at checkout, plus in the isles when mom's trying to shop. My favorite is winking at the toddlers alternating eyes and watching them smile while trying to copy me
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I love this positive thread! I was feeling overwhelmed by the negative comments towards parents and kids in BP, so this was refreshing!
I will definitely try to distract your whining child when stuck in line by making weird faces or complimenting them on something, like that their shoes are really cool. Usually either they will talk to me (I always make eye contact with the parent so I know they aren't freaked out), or go silent and hide lol!
I do the same at checkout, plus in the isles when mom's trying to shop. My favorite is winking at the toddlers alternating eyes and watching them smile while trying to copy me
Load More Replies... I love this positive thread! I was feeling overwhelmed by the negative comments towards parents and kids in BP, so this was refreshing!
