Therapists Reveal 30 Things People Are Often Embarrassed To Tell Them But That They Actually Hear A Lot Of
Interview
According to Lori Gottlieb, who is a psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, the author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, and co-host of the podcast Dear Therapists, it's very common for people to struggle with fully opening up to their therapist and hide things from them at one point or another.
There are many reasons why we stay silent. Sometimes we worry that the information will make the therapist view us in a negative light, but we also might find the issue embarrassing, or just be stuck in denial.
To find out more about the topics that we keep to ourselves, Redditor u/Music-and-wine made a post on the platform, asking: "Therapists, what is something people are afraid to tell you because they think it's weird, but that you've actually heard a lot of times before?" And the replies they received provide an interesting insight into what usually stays behind closed doors.
This post may include affiliate links.
Two topics come up with regularity: when someone discloses to me that they were sexually abused as a kid, and/or when some is experiencing suicidal ideation. Both are something I hear from clients every single day, and so I don’t find it weird at all. But, when I have someone in front of me who’s talking about it for the first time, I know it’s important to validate the fact that even though I might be talking about this for like the fifth time that day, they have never talked about this EVER, and are in need of gentle care to feel safe.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Jennifer Cain told Bored Panda that talking to a therapist you've just met is like emotionally undressing in front of someone you don't know. "It's natural to feel nervous at first," Dr. Cain said. "But it gets easier to share as you feel more comfortable with your therapist. It is okay to let the process unfold naturally, at a pace that is comfortable for you."
The psychologist highlighted that it's very helpful to keep in mind that the therapist is there to help you. However, "if there is something you don't want to share, it's okay to tell your therapist that you're not comfortable sharing about that yet," she added.
"If you are not sure whether you should share more about something, one thing you can do is ask your therapist if it would be helpful to give more details about it."
I'd say a common one is believing that there's something innately, irreparably wrong with them that makes them unable to ever truly 'fit in'. For a lot of people it's such a deeply ingrained belief that it can be extremely painful to acknowledge or express, regardless of the level of personal success in their lives.
Some characteristics are built based on horrible experiences. For me it's being left to my own devices at a young age. I need to be creative to stay alive. That made me resourceful and that contributed a lot to how well I did in life. But that doesn't mean it did not hurt. In fact it's because it hurt so bad I have to see things differently to stay sane.
Imposter syndrome is present in nearly every client I've worked with (hundreds over the years), and it sometimes is hard for people to recon with that they feel incompetent in work or life. It is super common to feel like everyone else has it figured out, and that you are the only one flailing. The biggest thing that I've learned in transitioning to adulthood and in getting an in depth look into so many people's lives, is that we are all just trying to figure it out, and a lot of energy goes into trying to make it look like we know what we are doing and fear of being found out.
Reddit user DnDYetti, one of the mental health professionals whose reply you can find on this list, agrees that there may be a big variety of reasons why a client holds back information from their therapist.
"I can't realistically touch upon them all, however, I feel that the most common reason is the fact that the client is engaging in a brand new environment with someone whom they have only just met. Thus, that fear of judgment is likely front and center in their mind until they get to know their therapist better and get the opportunity to build up a therapeutic alliance," DnDYetti told Bored Panda. "This is especially true for individuals who have had a long history of perceived judgmental interactions within their life. This connects highly to what is known as an individual's 'learning history.'"
"Simply put, what an individual has experienced in their daily life will be ingrained into their understanding over time and impacts their behavior (positively or negatively). If an individual has consistently experienced judgmental people and has had a long history of distrust with those around them, then they are highly likely to be defensive and fearful of opening up to others in the future. Every therapy experience holds so many unforeseen possibilities, and that is why a fear of opening up is not something that we take personally as therapists. Instead, we take the time to understand why that fear is present, and we work with you to help you navigate that fear, regardless of why it's there."
Basically, anything having to do with sex. There's so much shame. Sexual abuse. Sexual fantasies and fetishes. Erectile dysfunction. Infidelity. Becoming sexually assertive. I've been told that I have a good "psychologist's face." I try not to have a strong reaction to normalize the discussion. With adolescents, they are extremely anxious to tell me if they've relapsed or aren't doing well. They cut one night or they were suicidal. They're having a lot of negative self-talk or panic attacks. They'll come in, pretending everything is okay. It's usually in the last 10-15 minutes that they'll say something. They'll reveal that they worried they'd let me down. That I'd be disappointed in them. It usually turns into a discussion about policing other people's feelings and tolerating emotions. I explain that I care about their well-being and it's my job to monitor my emotions and reactions, not their role.
I see a therapist now because I was to ashamed to tell anyone that I had been raped. I waited for many years to seek help. He was the only one I told for a very long time. It caused lots of depression and anxiety along with anger and hatred towards men. I had severe trust issues. It took me months to open up to my therapist but after doing so, I am finally beginning to trust men. I did marry eventually before I began seeing this therapist but it only lasted five years. My husband was abusive in every way imaginable. That just added salt to my wound. It made things worse. I feel so much better now. Sure, I still have severe depression and anxiety disorders but it does help to be honest and to have someone to talk to. You can't bury traumatic experience and expect it to go away. You have to work through it. I had to learn that just because I had traumatic incidents with 2 men, it doesn't mean that all men are bad. My fear of men is fading. I am cautious but getting better.
I do a lot of trauma work. Many people who have experienced molestation or sexual assault feel ashamed and confused because their bodies responded. Having an erection/lubrication or even an orgasm does not mean you wanted the sexual contact and it is still assault. Clients often hold a lot of shame and confusion about this. They wonder if it means they wanted it or if there is something wrong with them. It is a tough thing to work through because of this. Assault is assault. Sometimes human bodies respond to sexual touch even when we don't want that touch.
Someone once said it’s like tickling. You laugh when you get tickled even though you don’t want someone to tickle you
Plus the lubrication is literally a bodily function that kicks in to protect you... it often happens even when putting a tampon in.
DnDYetti said that it takes time to find a good therapeutic match, as there are many different types of therapists and differing therapeutic models that they use.
The numbers, however, are reassuring. Overall, 4 in 10 American adults (42%) have seen a counselor at some point in their lives and a third (36%) say they're at least open to it, although almost one in four (23%) say they would never see a counselor. Millennials and Gen X have more interest in counseling than Boomers and Elders. 21% of Millennials and 16% of Gen X are currently engaged in therapy.
Though the reason why a person seeks therapy may vary, Americans consistently indicate the experience was very positive (47%). Another 29% say it was somewhat positive, with a small minority calling it somewhat (5%) or very negative (1%).
In order not to fall in the last two categories, DnDYetti advises to "take the time to find someone who works well with you and encourages a collaborative experience where you can feel comfortable about each step of your therapeutic journey towards a happier and healthier life."
That they do not know what they enjoy doing. Often they have people in they're life, including therapists, say "try to do something fun today" or ask "what do you like to do when you have free time?". Many people I work with do not know what those are. Once I explain that I dislike these statements /questions because they assume people should know the answer, and that many people don't, I can watch as they relax, take a deep breath, and say something to the effect of "oh my, that's so good to hear. I have no idea what I like to do. That's part of the problem.". More often than not they feel like they should know and that everyone else their age has it figured out. They are embarrassed to say that they don't know when in fact not knowing is very common. I couldn't even try to count how many clients I've had this conversation with.
That they "hear voices". I've found that a lot of people aren't familiar with their own internal dialogue or "self talk" and that this is typically "normal" internal processing. A lot of people think that they are "hearing voices" and hallucinating. There are some pretty simple questions we can ask to determine if it's hallucinating or just internal dialogue, and most often it's the latter.
Edit: I want to clarify that not everyone has am internal "voice". Some have none at all, some have more of a system of thoughts that aren't verbal, feelings, or images. That's normal too!
"There may be times where clients tend to overthink about a situation, and therefore end up discussing a topic for an extensive period of time," DnDYetti said. "If that happens, we may have to reel you back in for a moment to focus on a particular word you stated or the way something was expressed, if we find it clinically significant. Regardless, I don't think that it is really possible to 'overshare' when a client is progressing through their therapeutic journey and processing everything that comes along with it. The ability to externally communicate about events (past, present, or future) alongside any thought processes that come to mind for that client is all quite healthy to express towards their therapist."
According to the Redditor, everyone has their own timeline for their therapeutic journey, so don't feel as if you have to progress at a certain speed. It's not a competition. "There will be days of perceived 'success' and days of perceived 'failure', but you'll find your way in your own time," they explained. "It's your journey, and we're just there beside you to help guide you when you feel lost or scared taking a path less traveled."
The relief one feels when a loved one dies after a prolonged illness. It’s very normal and common, yet a very guilt laden emotion. It’s perfectly okay and normal to feel this even amongst the grief and sadness.
I think that's important to remember! Just because you're happy someone finally got peace does not mean you don't love them, you're just happy the worst is over and your beloved ones wont have to suffer anymore.
I work in an older adults service for people with dementia and mental health problems. I see a lot of family members/Carers feeling ashamed of the fact that they are finding it incredibly difficult to care for someone that has dementia or a chronic mental health problem.
Carer burnout is a real issue and people need to know that it’s not easy to see someone you love struggling every day, or slowly fading away month by month. Carers and family members desperately need time for themselves and need to know that it’s okay to feel the way that they do.
No one is superhuman and we all have our own needs. It’s why we have therapy groups for Carers. It’s okay to struggle to look after someone and you should in no way feel ashamed of having those feelings.
Thank you. I'm so tired all the time (not ashamed) but I also don't want to show how bad I feel bc I know my so will feel guilty. I do think about the future a lot without my so and it makes me sad but also a feeling of relief for want of a better word, that I won't have to be a carer anymore. It's very confusing.
The amount of people I see who feel like they should be grieving a “certain way” and are afraid that they “must not have loved someone,” or, “must not have cared.” People grieve in all sorts of ways. The “5 stages of grief” are bulls**t.
I was consulting with another clinician who was seeing a couple whose daughter had died. The wife was convinced that the husband must not have cared about her because he “wasn’t grieving out loud.” In reality, while she had been going to support groups and outwardly expressing, he had been continuing to work in a garden that him and his daughter had kept when she was alive, using that time to process and grieve as he did. Both were perfectly fine ways of grieving, however it is expected that ones grief is more than the other. They both ended up working it out however, he driving her and others to their weekly support group, her attempting to work in the garden with him on the condition that they didn’t talk. Really sweet.
To that same extent, the amount of people who are unaware of their own emotions and emotional process is astounding. So many people feel only “angry” or “happy” and worry something must be wrong with them otherwise. Normalizing feeling the whole gamut is just as important. Recognizing what we’re feeling as well as what it feels like in our body when we’re feeling is incredibly helpful for understanding how we process and feel. As a whole, how we treat emotions as a society is kinda f**ked. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.
I have lost my father, my grandparents and several friends. Yet, aside from my father, the loss of my pets gave me the most anguish. I suspect their innocence and implicit trust plays a part in the grieving process. My wife is ill and one of the reality of her illness is that she could die at any moment. I know I'd be devastated, but I don't know I'd fulfill other's expectation of grief, as she has been so sick for so long, I might end up just sitting there and stare at the wall. Losing my daughter is something I cannot contemplate. I don't know if I'd survive that.
Being tired of being a mother. There's this social thing of loving your kids and they should be the first thing in your life, but having a child is messy and a real hard work, is normal to just want to take a break once in a while from all that responsibility.
Suicidal ideation as a form of self soothing. Knowing there’s always an option even with no plan on doing it.
When I was severely depressed, I did this. It made me feel better to know that I had an exit plan, that I could make the pain stop if I chose to. I'm doing much better now, but I still think about suicide occasionally. I've accepted that it's a thing I will think about every once in a while.
Husbands sexually abusing their wives. It’s f**king heartbreaking every time I have to explain to my clients their husband’s actions are textbook sexual assault.
Unwanted intrusive thoughts are normal and do not mean you are a bad person (yes, even intrusions of sexual/religious/moral themes). By definition, these are thoughts that are unwanted bc they go against your own values and highlight what you don’t want to do (eg, a religious person having unwanted blasphemous images pop into their mind, or a new parent having unwanted sexual thoughts about their new baby). However normal these thoughts are (over 90% of the population), the moral nature of these thoughts mean that often people experience a lot of shame and take many years before they first tell someone about them.
It's a weird phenomenon though, having thoughts that go against what you believe in.
OCD gets misunderstood a lot. It’s not just having a clean house or liking things to be organized. Common intrusive thoughts can include violent thoughts of harming children and other loved ones, intrusive thoughts of molesting children, fear of being a serial killer etc. My clients can feel a lot of shame when discussing the thoughts or worry I will hospitalize them.
there are far too many misconceptions with ocd. there are plenty of people with ocd who are not concerned by neatness- the reason so many people are is because they feel they have to (ie obsessive compulsive). that's skipped over too much and ocd can come in so many different forms.
PhD in Clinical Psychology here.
Just to name a few:
They had sexual/semi-sexual encounters with their siblings (same sex or opposite sex) when they were 6-12 years old.
That they don't like [insert annoying thing here] about their partner/spouse. This typically happens within a "mostly good" relationship, where it's like "I love my husband, he's a great guy, [insert 10 other good qualities], but I HATE that he's [drinking, not spending time with me, not spending time with the kids, is messy, etc.]
That [despite stating they're straight and possible being hetero-married] that they're not straight
That they're really afraid that no one likes them.
That they've thought about suicide but wouldn't actually do it.
That they've thought about suicide and had actually considered it.
That they feel like they're living their lives out of duty - to society, to their parents, to their partner, to their kids - and they hate it.
About the straight thing: My theory is that most people who are a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale consider themselves straight, because they are predominantly attracted to the opposite sex and then once in a while they experience some homosexual attraction and are seriously confused by it. Add a homophobic environment / upbringing to it and they come to the super dangerous conclusion that being gay is somehow a choice or that homosexuality is "contagious" when in fact they themselves are not straight but bi- or pansexual. Bisexuality doesn't mean you are 50:50!
Loneliness. Often clients say they feel lonely, but they believe they’re the only ones who feel this way while everyone else has friends, family, etc. Yet, it’s so common, even among people who don’t appear to be lonely.
Perfectionism- clients thinking they are much more flawed than everyone else, even if they are very high functioning.
I work at a domestic violence and sexual assault shelter, so not a therapist, but....
Clients often feel wrong for still loving their abuser. They won't talk about it because they're embarassed but it really is one of the most common things. You don't suddenly undo months/years of gaslighting and indoctrination that lead to you being fully devoted and in love with your abuser and that's okay. It takes time and processing to heal from that.
I have heard some variant of "This is probably weird, but I feel if I am my true self around others than they won't like me" more times than I can count. As I explore the formative situations to this belief alongside my clients it definitely pulls at my heart strings.
I've come to accept people need to put on different faces for different audiences. It's inevitable really in today's world. I used to feel like a fraud for doing this. But if I didn't, I wouldn't fit in outside of my "hood". Then, I cannot escape that life and that would be bad. But if you think about it, you need to be a decent employee at work, a spouse to your other half, a parent to your kids or a friend. Though more mundane, it is done to fit a role and not out a malice.
Speaking to their departed loved ones. Thankfully, theories now support this and don't consider it to be a sign they're not "moving on with their lives". I encourage my clients to explore the continuation of their relationships with the deceased.
That they think they have feelings for us, love us, etc. Transference is a hell of a thing. Imagine you’re a middle aged male with a history of invalidation from females and a traumatic past and suddenly you’re spending an hour a day 4-5 times monthly with a young woman who attends to your needs, validates you, speaks kindly, and praises you. It’s more normal than you think. Typically I give them psycho education about transference, relate their feelings toward their past experiences, and move on. If a client has a history of it though then I try to refer them to a male therapist because it can affect the therapeutic process if it continues or escalates.
I was molested by my therapist when I wanted to talk about transferrance. It sucks when your therapist dumps you!
That they haven’t had sex with their partner in years and don’t know how/if they will ever have sex with their partner again. There is so much shame around sex in the USA that a lot of people are scared to talk to their partner about their sexual needs. Time goes by, and suddenly they haven’t had sex in 3, 5, 10 years. It starts for a lot of people in their 40s and 50s.
A lot of people (falsely) believe there is something wrong with their marriage because they fantasize about people other than their partner.
Fantasies are just that - fantasies. Thinking about sex with your current partner isn't a fantasy it's forward planning. Which can be very sexy too, of course.
Many of my clients lived through severe childhood trauma and neglect. They had no one to model or explain healthy emotions or to show them appropriate ways to react to stress, fear, anger, etc. Most often they’ll describe a completely normal reaction to a stressor and then follow that up with “I don’t know if that’s normal.” These are adults who were exposed to so much dysfunction during their formative years that they don’t know whether it’s normal to cry when they’re anxious or afraid, feel angry when their boundaries have been violated, etc.
If my parents talk to me about something serious (most recent one about my attitude, which I've been apparently passing on to my sister), I tend to have one of two reactions: either I start laughing or I start crying. I've been like this for most of my life. Mostly, the laughing is to prevent myself from crying, since generally when that happens my dad gets angry and sends me out of the room. Is that normal?
That they don't like their family members, are angry/want to stop communication with their parents etc. I work in a country which Is more culturally collectivist, so not wanting anything to do with your parents makes you an a**hole in the current cultural sense.
We deal with this almost on a daily basis. There is deep and profound shame in this and when we find that line of "oh, it might be that your parents are toxic to your mental well being/trigger your trauma" many of my clients actually get visibly angry with me.
Cultural psychology is so important, cause when I first moved here I had my American/European hat on, oh boy, did I need to adjust.
EDIT: I'm in Ukraine
I think I have a similar problem, my grandfather constantly disrespects me, he is fully aware that I go by they/them but continues to use she/her. I've tried to stop communication with him and say that I don't see him as my grandfather anymore, but quite a few people in my family say stuff like "you can't just cut someone out of your life because you don't like the way they act." Or "he's still your grandfather no matter what." I'm only trying to get rid of toxic people, or toxic behavior.
Recurring intrusive thoughts about harming others. Can be hurting/killing someone or sexual fantasies about children or relatives. Usually people take a while to admit those.
The reality is that if you are having them frequently you aren't dangerous. You probably have OCD and are terrified that you might be dangerous.
It took a better part of my entire 20s and 30s to cope with the temper and violent tendencies. Baggage from a violent childhood. It's a long and arduous process to recognize when things are going off the rails and put a handle on it before reaching a tipping point. There were days in the past, my hands were shaking from the anger and had to lock myself in a room to prevent being triggered and hurting someone. These days I won't let my temper reach that point by walking away and collecting my thoughts. It's still not effortless and takes every bit of restraint but it's worth it.
I treat veterans with PTSD. I quite often have people who are hesitant to disclose that they killed someone, even though it is obviously a super common story in the context of my job.
they are afraid you would not want to work with them again or they feel guilty about it. my uncle did 3 tours in Afghanistan and he has the same problem
Missing their depression after their mood starts to improve.
Depression feels very "natural". I have playlists that allow me to temporarily go into it because it is a space that I just need to be in sometimes. I can visit occasionally and not get trapped there.
A common one in the time I was a therapist was simply "I don't know".
You'd be surprised how reluctant people are to admit that they don't know why they're feeling how they are. But that's exactly why you're (or were, I'm not a therapist any more) sat there with me; so we can figure out why together.
It always put me in mind of a line from America by Simon and Garfunkel:
"Kathy, 'I'm lost' I said, though I knew she was sleeping. 'I'm empty and aching and I don't know why'."
Clients become quite fearful of admitting that they weren't successful since the last time they had a session. This could include not succeeding in using a coping skill that they're learning about, or not being able to complete a homework assignment I gave them. Humans aren't robots, and therapy is a lot of work.
That being said, I don't expect people to be perfect as they start to work on themselves in a positive way. It takes time to really commit to change, especially in relation to trauma or conflicted views that an individual holds. I feel as if the client doesn't want to let me down as their therapist, but these "failure" events are just as important to talk about as successful moments!
Licensed Professional Counselor here.
Pretty much everything.
But a common one is "secret feelings." Secret resentment towards a spouse or the difficulties of being a parent. Lost attraction in a spouse. Private daydreams and sexual fantasies.
Seems like every time someone tells me "I have this really weird daydream I'm always having...", they then tell me their variation of the Suffering Martyr Daydream. So common it has a name!
Especially with males they are a ridiculous level of afraid to say them have either emotions or that they cry or have cried. I have had guys even tell me "Men arent suppose to cry". That is the simpliest thing, but honestly the saddest thing that men cant feel safe expressing their emotions due to societal standards.
One thing I haven't seen directly addressed here is an adult virgin.
yep. Huge amount of shaming about this from US culture. We are subjected to tons of hollywood movies that pour shame on it and normalise early experiences. It's super toxic and I wish it would stop. Also the stupid nuclear family discourse (that step parents or gay parents aren't good enough and at the end of each movie, the heteronormative original family gets together again). So sick of it.
As someone in the substance abuse field I know that it's difficult for clients to tell me they got high with a parent but it's something I get told fairly regularly. It's kinda sad.
I work with a lot of anxiety and trauma clients Whenever I ask if they would describe their experience as being anxious about being anxious, I get a lot of 'omg, yessss.' Anxiety has such a physical impact in the body (heart pounding, trouble breathing, feeling faint or cold, tunnel vision) that we become aware of our body's reaction before we even notice the anxious thoughts triggering the reaction. Then we panic about why our bodies are flipping out when we're not even aware of feeling threatened, and the anxiety compounds on itself.
Anxiety is like an alarm system in our bodies to signal the presence of (real or perceived) danger. What would you do if your alarm was going off at your house? Check to see if there's a real threat (scan your environment/situation to ground yourself in the present), turn off the alarm (breathing exercises do help, along with mindfulness techniques like body scans), and then investigate what tripped the alarm (process thoughts around the situation that read like danger to you). It's also important to note that danger doesn't need to be a gun getting pulled on you. Panicking during a presentation that could impact your job and threaten the way you pay your bills and afford your life can feel pretty dangerous if you think about it.
I’m support worker (social worker) not a therapist.
I’ve had clients too scared to tell me their accomplishments because they think they should only be bringing their problems to case management and that if we see them getting better that we won’t care/prioritize them as much
Another is hard drugs. We don’t endorse it by any means but we have to know if we need to keep an eye out for inappropriate behavior and overdoses. We never get mad at them for being high, we just wanna send them to their room to sober up.
I have a lot of older men who tell me that they’ve had sexual or romantic feelings for other men their entire lives. I am often the first person they’ve ever told. It breaks my heart knowing they’ve lived their entire lives without being able to explore their feelings or live as their authentic selves.
Some of the most common ones have been visual and/or auditory hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. I usually hear “I don’t want to be put in the hospital” or “I don’t want you to think I’m crazy”. Also, basically anything sexual. I’m not going to judge you for being into BDSM, fetishes, etc. Honestly, I’ve probably heard it before and I’m not here to judge you. Same goes with any non-consensual experiences (especially if we’re working through trauma).
Recently I’ve had a lot of biracial and multiracial clients who are super hesitant to talk about racism they experience within their family. Mono- racism, essentially. Family members on one side expressing racist ideas without recognizing the group they’re targeting also includes their loved one.
I’ve also gotten a lot of people hesitant to admit they’re in therapy due to cultural shame around it. And those really hesitant to express their personal goals/desires are different from what their family wants/has planned for them. The internal debate between values from culture of origin vs American cultural values
Passive suicidality. The idea that things would be easier (for you and/or others) if you just didn’t wake up or disappeared or something. This happens to many of not most people who get depressed, but they feel uncomfortable bringing it up. They’re scared I’ll hospitalize them. For the record, we won’t.
For those of you struggling with depression and suicidality of any kinds, please tell people. Please tell a therapist. Talking can help. Knowing you’re not alone can help. Knowing you’re not crazy and that what you’re experiencing is totally normal can help. Please let someone help you.
I have my own mental health support group for this; I suffer from this as well.
I’m a therapist at a university counseling center, and I’ll say people who are a part of the LGBTQ+ community who have fears that past sexual trauma “caused” them to have that identity
When I was in private practice, I specialized in Borderline Personality Disorder. I did DBT, which is the evidence-based treatment for it, but there is so much shame and stigma around having BPD I have seen providers hesitate to diagnose it. My favorite sessions were the ones where I would talk about why and how people get BPD and seeing the relief on people’s faces when a therapist can see that this is also something happening TO them and that there is a type of therapy specifically designed to help…those were my favorite sessions.
And, to answer the question correctly, BPD. BPD is much more common than people think.
a few years back DBT was a metod almost exclusively used to treat women with Borderline (instable personality dessorder) because it was decided that this only affected women. it was difficult to find anything similar for males. I took a lot for my clinic to accept me (male) to get this treatment. is now accepted that men do get Borderline disorder and DBT is one of the best treatments for it...back in the day guys with borderline just got thrown in to jail, because men are violent and don't need psychologist
I'm doing my internship so not a therapist yet and I couldn't believe how many people admitted to being chronic nose pickers. And no I do not work with children.
A chronic nose picker would be someone who's digging so deep they chronic nose bleeds. Some of them even had cartilage torn inside their nose. Not your average little pic here and there when the kleenex isn't good enough.
Survivors of abuse often say they don't want their abuser to get into trouble, especially when its a family member. They are usually afraid to say this because they are aware that what happened to them is wrong, but struggle with the abuser vs survivor guilt/responsibility. They also think people would view them as an active participant in their trauma history.
I have a ton of people who don’t know their values. They will tell me vague things (family, security) but struggle to define what those things mean to them or how they make decisions based on values. Teaching a bunch of values and discussing what each mean to a person is an amazing way to get really into therapy a few sessions in and really helps clarify what behaviors need to be looked at. People afraid of this cause it’s so simple that they feel stupid or incompetent for not having a thorough grasp on this subject (usually takes 5 minutes each session to validate and worn through).
a lot of people do what they are suppose to. like from a general rule that they learned, and just repite it. but never stop to think about what is right and wrong, and what their personal opinion is...is hard and dangerous. just because is legal doesn't mean is right. or just because you think something is right, it should to be accepted...most people hold themselves to black and white thinking, but went life gets weird, those rules are useless
Usually it’s sex related. Shame about their desires or kinks is common. Gender questioning is another. Some people are ashamed of things they did in childhood or adolescence, haven’t ever told anyone and think the team will be horrified. We have heard everything. Everything. I’m always compassionate and always understand why we do the things we do. I’ve yet to have anyone bring something I can’t ‘get’.
People seem to think most people have a myriad of friends; this simply isn’t true. Most people have 1-2 friends.
Another one is erectile dysfunction. It’s really common in all ages, people tend to think it’s only common for older men.
Also people thinking they are the exception or different from everyone else in any number of ways (e.g the only person that has stayed in their marriage after an affair, the only person that gets anxiety over small things, the only one that ‘can’t handle’ the stress of the pandemic, etc.). The relief I see on peoples faces when I assure them they are “normal” will never get old.
A lot of my clients are hesitant to share that they gave themselves a break. A lot of the people I work with have a high degree of self-criticism and perfectionism that they tend to be sheepish when they tell me about spending time watching tv or “being lazy”. These are often the same people who work on weekends, volunteer for additional assignments at work, never take a day off even if sick, etc. etc.
Small ways they've made progress in the week. I know this isn't technically weird, but my clients sometimes don't want to tell me this, either because they fear I'd turn round and say they don't need therapy any more, or because I might find the progress unnoteworthy. Both of which are totally untrue!
So many things... All very subjective, but mostly something that makes them feel like they're abnormal in some way, "creepy", unsuccessful, failures. Different things make people feel that way and it's always hard to admit.
It takes a lot of courage to be open and honest in therapy and I value that bravery and their risk taking every time.
Sexual side effects of medication; losing your sex drive is a common effect of SSRIs and when I meet with patients after they've been prescribed, I'll ask about whether they've noticed a difference. Often, they have but are worried about telling their prescriber. I will advocate for them to do so and it is usually a positive experience for them.
People are ashamed to admit that they are back in their addiction. Even friends that I help a little (with non too serious addictions), don't want to talk to me when they have setbacks.
Relapses are normal in the process of rehabilitation. The important thing is to accept them as soon as possible and start over again
I run a program that’s trauma informed. One theme that comes up frequently in adults is attachment trauma, & extreme codependency with parents. This would be evidenced by sharing a bed with a parent long past developmental norms. Yet this is how both were coping with traumatic stressors as best they knew how at the time. These were not sexual though in some cases it stunted or repressed sexual independence. Guilt & shame accompany these memories- receiving these involve a lot of trust & care- & I always seek additional clinical supervision to ensure that all trauma experiencers are carefully supported.
[This happened only with men] They think that they're a monster and a weirdo for sexualizing someone, but that's what literally almost everyone does.
Basically everything. We're all pretty normal, at the end of the day and most people would do and think similarly in similar situations. The big one is Catastrophic thoughts. Essentially, those voices, thoughts, etc. in our head that spin out of control and tell us all the ways our lives will catastrophically fail.
Everything.
Did clinical work for about 5 years and heard just about everything ten times over.
But seriously, people are often reluctant to talk about their darker urges and feelings. Therapy is likely the only chance where you'll get to have that conversation openly and honestly. Therapists know everyone has this side to them, and working on it is both difficult and admirable.
That men feel very lonely but won’t discuss it bc it’s viewed as weakness. It might bc ive worked in the south only, but it’s super common.
A lot, and I mean A LOT, of people who experienced sexual abuse feel very guilty for a myriad of reasons that are not their fault
Guilty for "attracting the attention"
Guilty for not speaking up
Guilty for enjoying being "seen" by someone
Guilty for having any sort of pleasure from their abuse.
All those feelings are common and addressed in therapy. But it is so hard for people to discuss it.
What turned my guilt into volcanic rage towards my abuser was finding out how many other kids he abused. Pedophiles play head games with their victims, making them think they attracted and wanted the attention, that there is something dirty and wrong with them. Finding out that it was him, not me, made me go all scorched earth on his life and expose him to everyone. I regret nothing. He deserved it, and much more. May he rot in hell if there is such a thing.
Child/adolescent therapist here: sexual orientation and identity related revelations are hard for them. I always make sure that they are not alone and this is all natural.
I'm an educative psychologist in a rural school of Latam, here lots of people are ashamed or afraid with getting married, I mean to live with other people. No problem with teens over 20 yo but there are older people saying I prefer to live alone instead living with my family. And when I say a Alone, I mean very alone. Over 10k people here where i am and ive just met less than 10 old people living with someone else.
It sounds vague, but just “facing themselves”. Their “negative sides” acknowledging that whatever dark thoughts or perceptions of themselves seems to make them real. Not the case of course bc we are not our best or worst selves. But we explore those boundaries in our heads for sure.
I would add that couples come to counseling frequently and don't know how to end the relationship. I usually ask if we are working on reconcilation or seperation. That gets them talking about it.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt. Sometimes people want me to like decide for them to end the relationship, but I really dont want that responsibility. I just encourage them to think about their relationship more.
I'm very grateful for everyone who has shared their experiences here. You never know who you will help by doing so.
It is also important to mention that very often therapists are the one to gaslight the patient or train them to hide their true feelings. I tried three therapists and i learned that what they wanted me to do is learn how to fake hapiness, not listen to my mental health problems.
That is true. I had a bad therapist for my first one and didn't try again for some years. Looking at the qualifications and finding someone who specializes in your particular problem is important.
Load More Replies... I had students talk to me about issues they were having with their parents--usually about outside the norm religious values, overly strict, or cultural differences than what their friends did. It took at lot of courage for them to bring up the subject. They just want to be part of the norm. Fit in. I talked with several Muslim girls about if they were going to where the head covering or not. They brought it up. As they frequently traveled to their home country several times a year it may not be an option there. And their family would lead what to do here. Another was restricted from participating in holidays. We talked about how they would be an adult before long and could decide then how much they wanted to participate in. A girl was so upset about her parent's strict religion she cut herself. The school counselor was seeing her about it. I carefully let the parents know she was gifted top of the class in what they were trying to keep her from doing. They softened up as she grew up.
I sure could identify myself a lot with most of those as a kid (not so kid anymore) with trauma, BPD, suicidal background and all. But idk if I'm relieved or just missing that no one said about having a paraphilia. (No I'm not pedophile. I have another) So I kinda feel alone about this since for a person that met many people I never found anyone like me.
I think validation is probably up there on the list. I know a lot of people who just want someone to listen and validate their point of view. Sometimes they even get upset if the therapist doesn't agree with their viewpoint. I have a friend who is a marriage counselor and I asked her what the biggest problem always was and while communication is usually the answer, validation of someone's feelings or thoughts- just wanting to be told you are right- is a big one she finds with a lot of couples. and sometimes if they don't hear what they want because a good therapist isn't going to take sides--- it's about finding out the underlying issues--- sometimes people will stop coming to therapy.
I am so glad someone made this post/ I am very relieved at some of them. Thank you.
I'm very grateful for everyone who has shared their experiences here. You never know who you will help by doing so.
It is also important to mention that very often therapists are the one to gaslight the patient or train them to hide their true feelings. I tried three therapists and i learned that what they wanted me to do is learn how to fake hapiness, not listen to my mental health problems.
That is true. I had a bad therapist for my first one and didn't try again for some years. Looking at the qualifications and finding someone who specializes in your particular problem is important.
Load More Replies... I had students talk to me about issues they were having with their parents--usually about outside the norm religious values, overly strict, or cultural differences than what their friends did. It took at lot of courage for them to bring up the subject. They just want to be part of the norm. Fit in. I talked with several Muslim girls about if they were going to where the head covering or not. They brought it up. As they frequently traveled to their home country several times a year it may not be an option there. And their family would lead what to do here. Another was restricted from participating in holidays. We talked about how they would be an adult before long and could decide then how much they wanted to participate in. A girl was so upset about her parent's strict religion she cut herself. The school counselor was seeing her about it. I carefully let the parents know she was gifted top of the class in what they were trying to keep her from doing. They softened up as she grew up.
I sure could identify myself a lot with most of those as a kid (not so kid anymore) with trauma, BPD, suicidal background and all. But idk if I'm relieved or just missing that no one said about having a paraphilia. (No I'm not pedophile. I have another) So I kinda feel alone about this since for a person that met many people I never found anyone like me.
I think validation is probably up there on the list. I know a lot of people who just want someone to listen and validate their point of view. Sometimes they even get upset if the therapist doesn't agree with their viewpoint. I have a friend who is a marriage counselor and I asked her what the biggest problem always was and while communication is usually the answer, validation of someone's feelings or thoughts- just wanting to be told you are right- is a big one she finds with a lot of couples. and sometimes if they don't hear what they want because a good therapist isn't going to take sides--- it's about finding out the underlying issues--- sometimes people will stop coming to therapy.
I am so glad someone made this post/ I am very relieved at some of them. Thank you.
