“You Mean Nothing To Me”: Teen Regrets Her Words To Stepmom After Being Denied Beach Trip
Family relationships can be complicated for many reasons, often even more so when it’s a stepfamily; becoming a part of a newly formed clan comes with a certain set of challenges.
Redditor ‘OppositePumpkin2750’ recently opened up about the challenges she faced trying to create a relationship with her stepdaughter. The teenage girl seemingly wanted nothing to do with her dad’s wife and showed her no respect—that is, until she learned that her stepmom was going on a beach trip.
Stepfamily relationships can be quite difficult to navigate
Image credits: Kelly Sikkema (not the actual photo)
This woman tried creating a relationship with her stepdaughter, but the latter wanted nothing to do with her
Image credits: Fa Barboza (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Allison Huang (not the actual photo)
Image credits: OppositePumpkin2750
Forming an amicable stepparent-stepchild relationship might be challenging
Typically referring to families consisting of a child or children, a parent and their new spouse, stepfamilies—like regular families, for that matter—each have a unique dynamic. While some are more than capable of fostering loving relationships between all members, others find it difficult to coexist in peace.
Some of the main challenges stepfamilies face, as pointed out by Utah State University Extension, are the role of the stepparent, competition for attention, and conflicts over loyalty-related matters. The first problem is based on the fact that it can be tricky to figure out how a stepparent should interact with the stepchild. It’s suggested that at least in the beginning of building a relationship, it might be best to refrain from disciplining the child and try to develop a friendship first.
The second and third factors affecting stepfamily relationships are based on the mixed feelings the child might feel towards the new addition to the family, as well as their own parent. They might consider the parent’s new partner a threat or competition in regards to the biological parent’s attention or feel worried over taking sides between the new person and other family members.
Image credits: Xavier Mouton Photographie (not the actual photo)
As a growing number of marriages end in divorce, many people find themselves living in stepfamilies
Nowadays, quite a few families go through structural changes at one point or another. According to Pew Research Center, roughly 15% of children in the US live with parents in a remarriage, as two-parent households are reportedly on the decline and such scenarios as divorce, remarriage and cohabitation seem to be on the rise.
The change resulting in a growing number of stepfamilies is likely to be driven by a growing number of Americans ending their marriages. Nowadays, roughly two-thirds of people under 50 who’ve ever been married are still in their first marriage, while the number of such people back in 1960 was as high as 83%.
A separate survey carried out by Pew Research Center back in 2010 found that back then, more than 40% of people in the US were part of a stepfamily; and they were as likely as any other family to say that their kin is the most important thing in their life. In addition to that, roughly seven-in-ten adults with at least one step relative say that they are very satisfied with their family life.
While the OP’s stepdaughter didn’t seem to be too happy with her family life, or with her stepmother, at least, the latter tried being patient and understanding with her, as the woman herself has gone through her parents’ divorce, as she revealed in the comments. In addition to sharing more details in the comments, the OP also provided fellow redditors with an update on how things evolved later on.
Fellow redditors shared their thoughts in the comments, the OP replied to some of them
Some people believed that it’s not only about the stepdaughter, but the husband, too
The OP provided an update on how things developed
Image credits: gpointstudio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: OppositePumpkin2750
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Daughter f****d around and found out. Good life lesson: actions have consequences
Dad's job requires alot of travel. He has next to no idea what goes on at home. If it were stepmother 's son treating him this way the story would take on a whole other meaning and response. He is heading for another divorce if he doesn't wake-up
He hasn’t wanted to know because during his little bit of time at home he wants the illusion of peace and quiet with no problems.
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I had 2 stepdaughters who were even worse: one used to steal makeup & clothes and let her friends steal things from the house, the other used to break my things, both were rude & disrespectful, their father never really said anything because he thought I was exaggerating. After I divorced him, he remarried & got 2 nasty stepkids! A mutual friend told me he said it made him realize what I had gone through with his kids.
My sister-in-law went thru this with my nephew (from first wife). My brother made things worse by siding with the kid. SIL was the one doing all the parental duties - feeding, clothing, laundry, chauffeur to/from school and activities, while working full time & attending school herself - but if there was a disagreement "he's not your kid". It took a lot of years, but nephew finally realized what his step mom had done for him, and how his own mom had manipulated him and used him. When he got married a few years back, he told his mom there would be no mother/groom dance. She attended but left the reception early. After she left, Nephew had the DJ play the mother/groom song, and asked his stepmom to dance with him.
You can acknowledge her feelings and still hold firm on consequences. OP talks about how they understand her feelings but it never says that they acknowledged her feelings back to her or even told her that they care about her. All their talk is about behavior and consequences with her. Having a talk about the complicated feelings she must have might go a long way.
I agree. At least from what they shared. Validation is important, especially at that age.
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daddy dearest needs to step up and have a talk with his rude daughter about respect. Edited to fix spelling error
So glad that all three adults have a good relationship and that the mom isn't some a*****e and actually agrees with and had OP's back. The father is the one that's slacking in all this.
When my parents divorced and dad remarried mom sat us down and told us that we were to treat stepmom with the same respect we did her and if we didn’t there would be consequences. She then said if stepmom was mean to us to let her know and she’d deal with it. 35 years later we all have a great relationship, parents, steps, and all. And all the kids with their partners, exes, and all variety of kids. Some of my grandkids have 18 grandparents and we all get along great. Have to have a big space for family parties though….
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If my stepsons had done anything like this, my husband would have had a LOT to say about it, not tell ME to get over it when there's something they want and can't have.
Oh heck no! Play silly games, win silly prizes. Stepdaughter got what she deserved. Ex-wife is smarter than husband.
Am i the only one who said absolutely apalling things to their parents as a teen? She ahould absolutely miss out on the trip, but kids and teens learn better through empathy and discussion rather than blame and recrimination. Its like a second toddlerhood mixed with a hormone cocktail. I didn't want to spend time with my actual mom as a teen, let alone someone my dad chose and then i had to live with. The only control she has is "no". So whilebtherebshould be consequences, this doesnt make her any more of a spoiled brat than any other teen.
At sixteen years old I had a step parent I did not like. But I did not disrespect them like this. I was civil and treated them fairly. No, I did not talk to my parents this way. Normalising nasty behaviour as 'hormonal teens' just further enables the behaviour. At sixteen they know better than that, and they know exactly what they are saying.
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I'm stuck on the commenter bragging her kid was doing her own laundry when she was 6. SMH.
I like the real mom and I think she had a good reason for the divorce. I'd bet daddy has never stood up and took on the burden of being a parent, he only tried to be the fun daddy, enabling his daughter with his leniency before. He made his new wife parenting her and I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out in therapy that she resents her father and makes OP into the scapegoat for her dad's inertia and indifference. Most kids act out like this for attention. That's what you get if you don't give your kids any attention unless they act out. Children want attention, it's the most important thing for them. If they don't get attention for positive behaviour, they'll act out and show negative behaviour to be seen. OP was trying to give her positive attention, but she wasn't the one she wanted it from. She wanted her dad, who's most likely pushing her away towards OP and doesn't want to deal with her.
Your assuming an awful lot there with very little to base it on.
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I was in the same situation as a step parent. My stepdaughter actually asked my husband to divorce me. She told him it was “her or me” and he told her he wasn’t divorcing me to make her happy. She was 15 at the time so I just attributed it to her being a teenager and trying to manipulate and guilt her father into doing what she wanted. Her mother and I got along (not great friends but we aren’t enemies) and she’s the only one besides me who wouldn’t let stepdaughter push us around. My MIL was a nightmare however because she catered to stepdaughter’s every demand and expected us to do the same. It was because of her that I realized if I had a child of my own I’d have to deal with MIL accuse us of giving my bio child preferential treatment. We also considered having SD live with us but seeing how she contacted her Grandmother every time we didn’t let her have her way we knew it would cause too much drama in the family.
it says a lot when the bio mom stands sides with the step mom over the dad
Tbh I'm impressed how well the whole family handled the situation. Husband initial response was rather bad, but he corrected himself and they all had mature, sensible conversation about the problems. I can't say I've seen that many people going so smoothly through a tough patchwork family moment! 🏆
When 15 yr-olds make conscious choices to do the wrong thing, they should face the music. When you treat people horribly, they tend to get angry w/ you. They often retaliate or maybe they'll avoid or exclude you... Reality is like that. I used to make my kids / step kids write "YOU are your problem" on a sticky note & put it on the bathroom mirror. You as a parent do your kids no favors when you shield them from the consequences of being nasty & stupid. If you don't deal w/ rotten speech & behavior, society will.
You handled this better than I would have done! I would have dragged her to the car and dropped her back off at her mums house! How dare she speak to you like that! What a horrible little girl. Your husband is terrible for expecting you to accept this behaviour, no wonder his daughter thinks it's ok, he's literally teaching her that it's absolutely fine to speak to you like this in your own home! Taking your niece away and paying for her friend to go is a lovely thing to do and this girl does not deserve to join you at all. And for what it's worth, I might be 35 but I'd love to wear facemasks, eat snacks and watch love is blind with you.
It's hardly a surprise the kid is angry and acting out, the dad is barely present, is seemingly unaware of what happens at home, and leaves his daughter with someone she resents. She is lashing out because she has not been getting positive attention from her actual parent.
You're not in the wrong. Your husband needs to step in and deal with his daughter and her attitude and lack of respect towards you. Until she changes her mindset just go on with your life and don't worry about your step daughter except for basic needs. She needs to grow the hell up!
Good grief, I would be so out of there. Life is way way too short to keep people like this around you.
I'm glad OP found her boundaries, because initially reading all the things she was doing (no, not the towels, that was explained) it sounded like she was a bit too try-hard; Especially with talking over what step daughter was watching to suggest it become a group watch. Kids can pick a tryhard out of a lineup at 100 paces.
Yes they can. But if the person trying hard is not being obnoxious, even at sixteen that child would understand the reason for it. So there's still no need for that kind of vicious rudeness.
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Kid acted like a brat, good on you stepmom. Glad dad finally stepped up to the plate. You understood you're "not mom", and made that clear you weren't trying to be.
Daughter f****d around and found out. Good life lesson: actions have consequences
Dad's job requires alot of travel. He has next to no idea what goes on at home. If it were stepmother 's son treating him this way the story would take on a whole other meaning and response. He is heading for another divorce if he doesn't wake-up
He hasn’t wanted to know because during his little bit of time at home he wants the illusion of peace and quiet with no problems.
Load More Replies... I had 2 stepdaughters who were even worse: one used to steal makeup & clothes and let her friends steal things from the house, the other used to break my things, both were rude & disrespectful, their father never really said anything because he thought I was exaggerating. After I divorced him, he remarried & got 2 nasty stepkids! A mutual friend told me he said it made him realize what I had gone through with his kids.
My sister-in-law went thru this with my nephew (from first wife). My brother made things worse by siding with the kid. SIL was the one doing all the parental duties - feeding, clothing, laundry, chauffeur to/from school and activities, while working full time & attending school herself - but if there was a disagreement "he's not your kid". It took a lot of years, but nephew finally realized what his step mom had done for him, and how his own mom had manipulated him and used him. When he got married a few years back, he told his mom there would be no mother/groom dance. She attended but left the reception early. After she left, Nephew had the DJ play the mother/groom song, and asked his stepmom to dance with him.
You can acknowledge her feelings and still hold firm on consequences. OP talks about how they understand her feelings but it never says that they acknowledged her feelings back to her or even told her that they care about her. All their talk is about behavior and consequences with her. Having a talk about the complicated feelings she must have might go a long way.
I agree. At least from what they shared. Validation is important, especially at that age.
Load More Replies... daddy dearest needs to step up and have a talk with his rude daughter about respect. Edited to fix spelling error
So glad that all three adults have a good relationship and that the mom isn't some a*****e and actually agrees with and had OP's back. The father is the one that's slacking in all this.
When my parents divorced and dad remarried mom sat us down and told us that we were to treat stepmom with the same respect we did her and if we didn’t there would be consequences. She then said if stepmom was mean to us to let her know and she’d deal with it. 35 years later we all have a great relationship, parents, steps, and all. And all the kids with their partners, exes, and all variety of kids. Some of my grandkids have 18 grandparents and we all get along great. Have to have a big space for family parties though….
Load More Replies... If my stepsons had done anything like this, my husband would have had a LOT to say about it, not tell ME to get over it when there's something they want and can't have.
Oh heck no! Play silly games, win silly prizes. Stepdaughter got what she deserved. Ex-wife is smarter than husband.
Am i the only one who said absolutely apalling things to their parents as a teen? She ahould absolutely miss out on the trip, but kids and teens learn better through empathy and discussion rather than blame and recrimination. Its like a second toddlerhood mixed with a hormone cocktail. I didn't want to spend time with my actual mom as a teen, let alone someone my dad chose and then i had to live with. The only control she has is "no". So whilebtherebshould be consequences, this doesnt make her any more of a spoiled brat than any other teen.
At sixteen years old I had a step parent I did not like. But I did not disrespect them like this. I was civil and treated them fairly. No, I did not talk to my parents this way. Normalising nasty behaviour as 'hormonal teens' just further enables the behaviour. At sixteen they know better than that, and they know exactly what they are saying.
Load More Replies... I'm stuck on the commenter bragging her kid was doing her own laundry when she was 6. SMH.
I like the real mom and I think she had a good reason for the divorce. I'd bet daddy has never stood up and took on the burden of being a parent, he only tried to be the fun daddy, enabling his daughter with his leniency before. He made his new wife parenting her and I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out in therapy that she resents her father and makes OP into the scapegoat for her dad's inertia and indifference. Most kids act out like this for attention. That's what you get if you don't give your kids any attention unless they act out. Children want attention, it's the most important thing for them. If they don't get attention for positive behaviour, they'll act out and show negative behaviour to be seen. OP was trying to give her positive attention, but she wasn't the one she wanted it from. She wanted her dad, who's most likely pushing her away towards OP and doesn't want to deal with her.
Your assuming an awful lot there with very little to base it on.
Load More Replies... I was in the same situation as a step parent. My stepdaughter actually asked my husband to divorce me. She told him it was “her or me” and he told her he wasn’t divorcing me to make her happy. She was 15 at the time so I just attributed it to her being a teenager and trying to manipulate and guilt her father into doing what she wanted. Her mother and I got along (not great friends but we aren’t enemies) and she’s the only one besides me who wouldn’t let stepdaughter push us around. My MIL was a nightmare however because she catered to stepdaughter’s every demand and expected us to do the same. It was because of her that I realized if I had a child of my own I’d have to deal with MIL accuse us of giving my bio child preferential treatment. We also considered having SD live with us but seeing how she contacted her Grandmother every time we didn’t let her have her way we knew it would cause too much drama in the family.
it says a lot when the bio mom stands sides with the step mom over the dad
Tbh I'm impressed how well the whole family handled the situation. Husband initial response was rather bad, but he corrected himself and they all had mature, sensible conversation about the problems. I can't say I've seen that many people going so smoothly through a tough patchwork family moment! 🏆
When 15 yr-olds make conscious choices to do the wrong thing, they should face the music. When you treat people horribly, they tend to get angry w/ you. They often retaliate or maybe they'll avoid or exclude you... Reality is like that. I used to make my kids / step kids write "YOU are your problem" on a sticky note & put it on the bathroom mirror. You as a parent do your kids no favors when you shield them from the consequences of being nasty & stupid. If you don't deal w/ rotten speech & behavior, society will.
You handled this better than I would have done! I would have dragged her to the car and dropped her back off at her mums house! How dare she speak to you like that! What a horrible little girl. Your husband is terrible for expecting you to accept this behaviour, no wonder his daughter thinks it's ok, he's literally teaching her that it's absolutely fine to speak to you like this in your own home! Taking your niece away and paying for her friend to go is a lovely thing to do and this girl does not deserve to join you at all. And for what it's worth, I might be 35 but I'd love to wear facemasks, eat snacks and watch love is blind with you.
It's hardly a surprise the kid is angry and acting out, the dad is barely present, is seemingly unaware of what happens at home, and leaves his daughter with someone she resents. She is lashing out because she has not been getting positive attention from her actual parent.
You're not in the wrong. Your husband needs to step in and deal with his daughter and her attitude and lack of respect towards you. Until she changes her mindset just go on with your life and don't worry about your step daughter except for basic needs. She needs to grow the hell up!
Good grief, I would be so out of there. Life is way way too short to keep people like this around you.
I'm glad OP found her boundaries, because initially reading all the things she was doing (no, not the towels, that was explained) it sounded like she was a bit too try-hard; Especially with talking over what step daughter was watching to suggest it become a group watch. Kids can pick a tryhard out of a lineup at 100 paces.
Yes they can. But if the person trying hard is not being obnoxious, even at sixteen that child would understand the reason for it. So there's still no need for that kind of vicious rudeness.
Load More Replies... Kid acted like a brat, good on you stepmom. Glad dad finally stepped up to the plate. You understood you're "not mom", and made that clear you weren't trying to be.
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