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We all want to surround ourselves with positive energy and nice people. After all, no man is an island and we all live in close proximity to one another.
In some cases, however, dealing with other people may be a daunting task. Some people in particular may be very difficult to be around. Think of that selfish relative everyone in your family avoids, or that manipulative coworker who seems to live for the drama.
“What are subtle signs that someone is a 'bad' person?” someone wondered on Ask Reddit, and the question hit a soft spot for many. Below we wrapped up the most illuminating responses and red flags that people see in those they don’t want to cross paths with.
Most of us like labeling and generalizing people and things into categories. We may see some things as good, others as bad. That’s especially true when talking about other people, who we may be tempted to call a “good” or a “bad” person.
So to find out more about the psychology behind categorizing things and people into polar opposites, we reached out to Helen Marlo, a licensed clinical psychologist and Jungian psychoanalyst who provides psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, and consultation. Helen, who is also a Professor of Clinical Psychology and the Department Chair at Notre Dame de Namur University, was happy to share some very interesting insights into the topic with us.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Mean to animals or service workers
Weasel Wise 2 years ago
Right?! It says way more is wrong with you than just narcissism.
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Fire Singer 2 years ago
I am one of those people, if my dog doesn't like you I see that as a major red flag.
K Tigress 2 years ago
Dogs don't always recognize a nice animal loving person. Sometimes they just hate the hat. Learned from experience.
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RELATED:
#2
Using religion as an excuse or forcing their beliefs on others.
Vasana Phong 2 years ago
I don’t understand how a bad person, throwing quotes from the Bible or contradicts what they say verses what they do , and is ok with it
v 2 years ago
The bible is fluid enough that it can easily be read to conform to any person's particular belief. I'd like to say that the chapter & verse layout of the bible was established to make it easier for this to happen but I don't have proof...just my opinion.
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Saint Tim the Godless 2 years ago
Religion is usually the direct cause of most atrocities in human history. And when it's not, it usually plays some role as justification. I've lost every iota of empathy for these people.
Persephone hates Pomegranate 2 years ago
I am religious, and am currently reading the bible. One part of that Bible that stuck with me is this (this is paraphrased): "God made man in his image, he created him, she, and he created them." To me, that means that God created non binary people in his image, and supports everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation.
CAL 2 years ago
Aren't we all, in a variety of ways, portraying what we believe is right to people around us? Even this post is claiming it is toxic to "force" beliefs on others. The OP then has a certain belief about religion they are broadcasting to the world. Is that not a similar tactic as holding a religious person holding a sign with their certain ethical/religious beliefs on it (even though the beliefs may be drastically different)?
Nikole 2 years ago (edited)
The issue though is the harm that religious beliefs do to people… Religious wars, slavery, the attempt to erase the LGTBQ+ community, women as third class citizens, scientific and medical progress impeded because stem cells are “babies”…
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Coffee panda 2 years ago
No. The real indicator is someone who doesnt respect each others belief.
In many ways, Helen argues, our minds are structured to categorize, often into opposites. “For example, by seeing something as good or bad. This is one way to reduce complexity and manage the amount of diverse stimulation that comes our way. An ‘either-or’ stance can be easier to process, cognitively, than a ‘both-and’ mindset that requires more critical examination,” she explained.
#3
Animals don't like them
--- 2 years ago
I think most people in the comments have never seen the pictures of dogs who were friendly towards Hitler
Monika Nowak 2 years ago
And when somebody was traumatised in their childhood by an animal and then is scared of them, so animals feel this negative emotion and don't like this somebody. Unfair.
Bill Evs 2 years ago (edited)
Even though this comment will no doubt be utterly downvoted I have to say this is nonsense. As much as we might like to project human feelings onto animals it's simply not true. Animals do not have an innate sense of a goodness or evil in a person. I've been around dogs who have had utterly sh*tty owners (sh*tty as people and sh*tty as pet owners) yet their dogs were as dedicated to them as the dogs of kind owners.
Midna Moon 2 years ago (edited)
This one i disagree with, animals dont like me but im not a bad person nor do i hurt anybody... :( i love animals they just dont like me very much.
#4
They litter
the_harbringer_of_doom[s/t/h] 2 years ago
MAY ALL WHO LITTERS PILLOWS BE EVER WARM,AND MAY THEY ALWAYS TRIP ON THEIR WAY DOWN THE STAIRS!!!
Zane Lumagrowl 2 years ago
May they step barefoot on an incomprehensible amount of Lego!
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Lee Banks 2 years ago
I was 16, smoking, and put my cigarette out on the sidewalk. A hot older guy started staring at me. I (stupidly) thought he was checking me out. He then said "Littering?! Have some respect!" 23 years later I can still feel his disdain, and have practiced NTLB, ever since.
actaeon cross 2 years ago
My mom let us litter IF it was biodegradable. So, you could throw your french fries out for the birds or whatever to find and eat but not the actual container/trash
QueenKittyCat 2 years ago
I told a guy to his face that I wouldn't date him because I saw him litter beforehand. He said I didn't see that. Bull c**p. Seeing him throw a wrapper under a table and leave it there was enough for me.
Moreover, categorizing into good or bad also helps with managing anxiety. “If I define good and bad in clear terms then I don’t have to grapple with the gray or the overlap. I don’t have to acknowledge or understand the interplay of both the good and the bad. Acknowledging they can both co-exist in myself or another person or thing can arouse strong feelings of confusion, anxiety, shame, defensiveness, or fear, for example,” Helen explained.
#5
Not returning the shopping cart to the corral. It shows that they're too lazy and self-centered to do a small task that prevents damage to someone else's property.
alwaysMispelled 2 years ago
I don't put it away to protect peoples cars, I do it to be nice to the employees who have to go round up the carts
R Dennis 2 years ago
I raised my daughter to take the cart back inside for the same reason. It's almost the same distance and you get to sneak in a little exercise.
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Immortal Jellyfish 2 years ago
I used to always put my cart up. However, once I became disabled it all depends on how far it is and if I'm up to exerting the extra energy. Some stores put a return corral next to the handicap parking spots and some don't. If this makes me a bad person then so be it. I do make a habit of taking in an abandoned cart when I arrive so at least I'm not adding to the problem.
Alison L. 2 years ago
I agree and have the same problem. I park in handicap which is a fair distance away from the corrals. I am in so much pain upon returning to my car that walking more is impossible. And my store doesn't always have people to take the groceries out to the car.
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Vasana Phong 2 years ago
When I’m not parked away from the store, I actually bring it back inside
Pete from Cali. USA 2 years ago
Omg, I had a back and forth with some lady who claimed I was being an ableist when I said everyone should be held responsible when they don't return the carts. I stopped responding because she was obviously not sane. If you borrow something, return it properly! If you caused damage to someone's property by not returning your cart, you should be held liable for damages
TotallyNOTaFox 2 years ago
And that's why we in Germany have to put coins or disks into our carts to unlock them first in the majority of places
WonderWoman 2 years ago
Was in a very small parking lot - maybe 5 spaces. Woman is 1.5 spaces from corral and she is going to leave cart in front of her car. I said, "seriously, it is a few feet" and walked inside store. The B!&CH pushed the cart in opposite direction into MY car!!
Bridgit Gilmore 2 years ago
Or that managing to get around the grocery store and standing line for 15 minutes and getting back out to the car (parked at the far end of the lot because that was the only available space) and your wrecked knees/hips/back just will not go the extra mile all the way back to the store to return the cart. I have actually ended up in tears and at the end of my tether, wondering if I would actually make it home. And, so, yes...I left my cart out in the hinterlands on a few occasions.
#6
When they refuse to wear a mask during a global pandemic.
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 2 years ago
The number of misinformed idiots on this comment alone is hilarious
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XanthippeⓐWulf🇨🇦 🇬🇧 2 years ago
Right?! And the fecking drama! People "hyperventilating" after 1 second of having a mask on and grown-a*s adults having tantrums in public.🙄 Christ on a cracker it was ridiculous. And don't get me started on those twats going around licking things. Never in my life have I truly wished someone ill, but I'll admit, I was praying for a good dose of flesh-eating bacteria.
Weasel Wise 2 years ago
It was infuriating dealing with ani-mask doofus people, especially working in restaurants but sometimes the petulant antics did give me a good laugh. I had a huge, redneck man throw a fit about being asked to put a mask on but he did....then he walked possibly four feet before ripping it off and screaming that he couldn't breathe. "Bítch! You couldn't walk four feet without losing breath BEFORE you wore a mask! Now stop eating the góddàmn butter packets off all the tables!!"
Load More Replies... TallerPaul 2 years ago
I loved the people who couldn't wear a mask due to breathing problems or asthma.....but 10 seconds before they entered a shop or got on public transport they were smoking away
WonderWoman 2 years ago
And there are so many people today that refuse to wear a mask, because some pundit said it would interfere with their freedums.
Freya the Wanderer 2 years ago
Your freedom and rights end where your neighbor's nose begins.
Load More Replies... Pete from Cali. USA 2 years ago
But they needed to do their own research!... by watching Faux news.
Justin Thyme 2 years ago
Learn about proper use of PPE, and you'll understand it had NOTHING to do with transmissability
That means that having defined categories is a passive process so it is less cognitively and psychologically taxing for our minds. “We can apply a kind of formula which reduces the stress of applying critical thinking, imagination, or analysis to whatever we are categorizing.”
Interestingly, when we have a category, our minds can become lazy, Helen warns, and fail to see the exceptions or things that fall outside the category.
#7
Bashing or being rude to service staff.
Mad Dragon 2 years ago
Being rude to anyone is a d*ck move, but being rude to someone who literally is not allowed to walk away from you is in a category by itself.
Mabelbabel 2 years ago
I went on a blind date years ago that was the worst ever-we met in a bar prior to dinner, and in the time it took me to drink a coke, he had 4 pints of cider. Over dinner he insisted on ordering for me because this was a 'sophisticated' restaurant and he knew what I would like (he got it completely wrong), he drank the entire bottle of wine on his own, then ordered Irish coffees, and drank mine when I said I was driving, and then offered to drive me back to my parked car. He was obnoxious to the waitress, totally ignored her when she was explaining the specials, spoke over the top of her, leered at her and made comments about showing cleavage, and attracted her attention by clicking his fingers at her like she was a dog. And then he got angry at me for leaving more money for a tip-we split the bill 50:50, he wasn't going to leave anything. And then he got angry that I wouldn't go home with him and turned down a second date. Total a**hole through and through
R Dennis 2 years ago
I have apologized for people who weren't even in my group. I have also had people stick up for me when someone was being rude to me. Rudeness doesn't gain you anything. People who act like that never understand what kindness and grace can get them. Two people can have the same thing happen, but how they behave can make it terrible or fine.
#8
People who don’t pick up after their dog.
This tells me they’re inconsiderate, rude, lazy, irresponsible, unhygienic, selfish, gross, disrespectful, negligent, careless, and vile.
(And I don’t mean occasionally forgetting a doggy bag or something. I mean people who don’t in general)
Hirtir 2 years ago
I'm in an office building next to a large apartment, and their are loads of people who take their dogs over to our parking lot to poo and then don't pick it up. I have started calling out, "Can you please pick up after your dog?" A lot of times they shrug and say, "I forgot a bag." So I have a roll of plastic bags and I make sure I have one in my pocket for them!
Nizumi 2 years ago
Or those that bag the poop, and then leave the poop bag on the sidewalk or lying in the grass. Ever slipped on one of those? Truly a sh!tty experience.
Helen Bennett 2 years ago
That makes me even angrier than leaving dog poo around unbagged. It's plastic litter + dog poo and the plastic won't go away. At least with dog poo the slugs eventually eat it (NOT condoning leaving poo around - that's disgusting, leaving the bag too is even disgustinger).
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Fraxinus excelsior 2 years ago (edited)
There are a couple of serial non pooper scooper owners on my estate, one of the dogs must be crossed with a Shetland pony judging by the size of the poops, but as a responsible dog owner, who picks up their dogs poop, it is so maddening, infact, I've started writing in chalk on the pavement things like bad owner and clean it up. It seems to be getting the message across to whoever is doing it as there has not been any new deposits.
Samara Messer 2 years ago (edited)
My brother used to live on a corner lot and worked from home. He noticed a guy would let his dog poop and not pick it up. Finally, after maybe the 3rd time, he confronted the guy and said something like "You got a bag for that?" The guy got defensive and claimed he was going to come back and pick it up but my brother knew better because there were multiple piles from previous days.
Cory Tollman 2 years ago
My co-worker chased a lady down and made her come back and pick up her dog's poop. Even provided the bag. The lady thought that in Arizona you didn't need to because it would break down really fast. Nope, that stuff dries out and nearly petrifies. If you have desert landscaping you have desiccated dog poop amongst your rocks.
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Deborah Rubin 2 years ago
I always carry a few bags in my pocket. I don't think it's such a big deal to pic up after you pet.
Cory Tollman 2 years ago
I remember people who would walk their dog around my grandmother's neighborhood specifically so the dog would do its business in other people's lawns.
We also wondered why people frequently are judgmental, and this may come down to a variety of reasons. For example, judging replaces experiencing, being, and/or feeling, which can feel more threatening, Helen said. “It is easier, quicker and less cognitively taxing—they don’t have to apply thoughtful or critical analysis to a situation.”
#9
They never take accountability for their actions. No matter the situation, it always someone else’s fault.
Annymoose 2 years ago
A person stepped on my dog's foot once while walking him. Total accident, you know how they can get under foot. It was a bad step tho and the dog was bleeding. "I didn't do that" the person said immediately, next to irrefutable evidence he did. Even though it was an accident, they couldn't admit they had done it. They're not in my life anymore. The dog was fine after a few days!
Pierce Reed 2 years ago
They literally could have just apologized it’s not the hard
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Katie Lutesinger 2 years ago
I knew a guy who was like that. I was one of quite a number of friends who "inexplicably" cut him off, along with multiple bosses and his own parents.
crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
I used to be super defensive about being blamed with everything cause my family thinks that everything has a fault and yells at me for the smallest s**t but I'm trying to be better about that now
Kitty 2 years ago
Yeah I understand It's like a reflex for me somehow i tries someone or something thing else to blame for my failures instantly. Im trying to stop that. I think this is because of im very scared of being a failure for my asian parents ...... again im blaming my parents for my toxic traits
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#10
If someone regularly complains about their friends behind their back to you, chances are they are complaining about you as well. Steer clear of people like this.
Kealeboga Petsanyane 2 years ago
Though some of the thing you complain about are valid, backbiting isn't,you can always find ways to address it "at the right time"since friends are supposed to be the people we talk to about eeeevvverything! If you complain about everyone of your friends(especially behind their back) then chances are, you're the problem...
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
I think it depends on whether the conversation is just trashing the person or whether it's discussing issues they have with a mutual friend brainstorming how to help. And honestly, I think sometimes a little venting is healthy. But if it's just a constant stream of complaints then why are you friends in the first place?
FloralDangerNoodle 2 years ago
I had to distance myself from a friend like this not too long ago. They talked s**t about everyone, including their daycare kids! They'd also talk s**t about the kids' parents TO THE KIDS' FACES! They were also extremely negative all the time, not to mention always trying to one-up me - EVERYthing was a f*****g competition. They ran hot-and-cold with me, too, but would shamelessly flirt with my husband, while ignoring me.
Ann M Clinkscales 2 years ago
Exactly!! Be the better person and walk away from the convo. They'll figure it out and realize that the gossip is not worth it!!
crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
I have a friend like this. They've told me stuff about other people that was clearly supposed to be confidential and I've caught them bashing me to their other friends. The main reason I stay is cause their mental health sucks and I want to be there for them in case something goes really bad
In some cases, judging is people’s preferred cognitive style. Other times, people judge because they lack understanding and do not critically examine things. Helen quoted Jung: “Never do human beings speculate more, or have more opinions, than about things which they do not understand” (Jung 1955–56/1970, CW 14, ¶737).
Others may be more judgmental because they lack empathy and have few figures in life who model empathy. Some reasons for this, Helen added, may be “psychological factors including being raised with either a lot of judgment or very little judgment; being raised in a home with strong, absolute values or no values.”
#11
They only do nice things when they want something in return.
Samara Messer 2 years ago
Or they only interact with you when they need a favor but exclude you from other parts of their life yet claim they are a friend.
Unnamed Hooman 2 years ago
This guy I used to like (keywords: USED TO) would chew gum, and when we were driving he would open the window and spit it out there. Even in the direction of other cars. That’s messed up
#12
they only interact with you when it’s convenient for them and they’re never happy for other people’s successes
Mabelbabel 2 years ago
They are incapable of paying anyone a compliment or taking pleasure in anyone else's success. There was a woman I used to work with, and if someone got promoted, it wasn't "congratulations" it was "Do you really think you're up to the additional responsibility?" If someone got engaged, it was "well I hope he doesn't mind having a working wife." She could never, ever pay a simple straightforward compliment, it was always twisted into spiteful criticism.
Alex Ruddies 2 years ago
You know, I'm neutral for other people's success. But rather I try make sure that success doesn't affect their lives negatively. Cause sometimes success goes to people's heads and over time they slowly become a "Karen" when things go south
#13
Anyone who starts a sentence with 'I'm not racist, but...'
actaeon cross 2 years ago
With all due respect, it doesn't specify the amount of respect that is due. It could be none.
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Freya the Wanderer 2 years ago
Anything that follows "I'm not racist (or sexist, anti-LGBTQ, etc.), but...) is going to be racist, sexist, or whatever.
#14
When someone says 'lighten up' or 'it was just a joke' when they say something offensive. It's deflecting from the offended person's feelings, and it's an invalidation method. It's often used as a way for the toxic person to feel okay about making sexist/racist/homophobic-leaning jokes or micro-aggressions.
Janet C 2 years ago
"It was a joke" is the lame-a*s excuse of every bully on the planet. It's never a joke. It's just bullying.
Cory Tollman 2 years ago
It's like those "pranks" where someone just straight up hits/kicks someone.
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rodger coghlan 2 years ago
Schrodinger's Douche: waits to see how people respond before saying whether or not it was a joke
Cory Tollman 2 years ago
I love the term "Schrodinger's Douche". It's humorous one one hand and totally accurate on the other.
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Sonja 2 years ago
In general when they're bucking at every bit of reasonable criticism of 'jokes'and 'pranks' not just their own. Including people to 'lighten up' about truly problematic content, especially when it's content meant for kids
Temporary Dork 2 years ago
Oh yes and people who censor what kids should see based on their own narrow worldview or religion!
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April Sewell 2 years ago
Also, people who say "You are just too sensitive." I hate this. No sir/madam, you just don't care about my feelings and find this an easy way to belittle/ disregard my feelings. Gaslighting should be illegal.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
Ugh, I think that's a tricky area. Not saying people should gaslight but trying to make it illegal opens up a whole different can of worms.
Load More Replies... Shane S 2 years ago
“It was just a joke” is gaslighting. We all make bad jokes but if someone tells you that it bugged them, and you just dig in and make it their fault, you’re the problem.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago (edited)
Well it can still be a joke. But if someone is offended (for good reason) then an apology is fair enough. Sadly too, there are some people who are offended by things that 99% of people would just laugh at. The sort of people who'd get angry at a why did the chicken cross the road joke.
Load More Replies... Katie Lutesinger 2 years ago
Or they double down by saying "screw your feelings/you're sensitive and therefore pathetic".
A gay cat man 2 years ago
also whenever someone says, "Get over it," like 1 week ago was 2 years ago (also I have rsd and sometimes am a bit sensitive to things like that)
#15
They make little belittling comments about everyone.
Jenny Fullerton 2 years ago
That’s my father in law , haven’t spoken to him in over Ten years and my life is Bliss
Samara Messer 2 years ago
I worked with someone like this. Everyone in the office had some sort of issue but she herself was perfect and never made mistakes. When everyone else left for the day, she would go to the owner and throw everyone under the bus. I only found out because a lady she thought had left was still there and had overheard.
#16
Moral elitism, especially the subtle kind. If you have to tell us you're this perfect wholesome empath healer every 5 seconds, you're probably hiding something.
Sonja 2 years ago
I have never met a person who told me they are a good person who actually was a good person. If you are a good person you do good and can tell about what you did. If you can't tell me about the good you actually did but still feel the urge to tell me that you are such a great person, I really doubt that's true
QueenKittyCat 2 years ago
Alissa (sp) on Married at First Sight last season kept saying "I'm a nice person!" Which just dug a deeper and deeper hole for me. I already wasn't a fan, but hearing that prevented me from giving her a chance. Ever.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
They're not necessarily a bad person they could be insecure and looking for validation. I cringe thinking about some of the stupid things I said when I was younger just trying to make myself seem cool. In hindsight it was just dumb and cringy and transparent. But it certainly wasn't because I was a bad person or had some malicious intent.
Distracted Serpent 2 years ago
Hearing a person describe themself as an empath is a big red flag for me at this point. All the ones I've known also seem to have martyr complexes.
A gay cat man 2 years ago
"nice guys finish last when you are the outcast your empathy will get you left behind" - Billie Joe Armstrong
#17
People who always have to one-up you. I have a work colleague who, if I mention I have a headache, has to counteract with all of her aches and pains and explain that what I feel can't possibly compare. It's not a competition.
Telepathetic 2 years ago
I told a woman I was having Prostate problems. she said "I had mine out years ago" Nice trick lady !
Awesome At Being Autistic 2 years ago
Oh man that is my dad, such a hypochondriac complainer. I remember being a teenager, sat at the breakfast table with my parents, and my mom asked my kid brother to be quiet because she had a migraine. My dad pipes up with "Oh I have a migraine, too," and my mom shoots back "OH REALLY ARE YOU ON YOUR PERIOD TOO?!" I laughed so hard I was almost hyperventilating. Still makes me laugh after all these decades. Any time my dad complained after that, we'd ask him if he was on his period.
Samara Messer 2 years ago
I get so annoyed with people who invalidate you just because they or others have it worse.
Mabelbabel 2 years ago
Story toppers! I think some of them believe it's a way of showing sympathy, like "I know exactly how horrible you feel because I'm suffering too" but personally, I think its because they can't stand not to be the centre of attention.
Aileen Grist 2 years ago
I'm in pain. But I always say that no-one can judge someone else's pain. For all I know any person I'm talking to has much more pain than I do - I may just be a softie (or nesh as we say)
Kealeboga Petsanyane 2 years ago
Or something along the lines of "Be strong!there are many people out there less better off than you" it may be true but it always fails to make me feel any better, instead I just feel guilty for being ungrateful....
Pete from Cali. USA 2 years ago
Two of my friends used to do this when I first met them.. super annoying. We only stayed friends because we were part of the same group and they either grew out of it or they just stopped doing it to me.
#18
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”
Spoiler Alert 2 years ago
Indeed. This is my sister's mantra and she treats her friends and loved ones very poorly a lot of the time.
Ann M Clinkscales 2 years ago
That is someone who doesn't have real friends!
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Jared Robinson 2 years ago
Best response: " Handle? what are you a f*****g zoo animal?" Handle yourself like a grown human being. If you can't do that then your best is nothing I need.
Immortal Jellyfish 2 years ago
I can't even handle me at my worst. Why should anyone else have to?
Rachel Reynolds 2 years ago
If you can't handle me at my worst, that's fair. I don't even like me at my worst.
Ione Alva-wies 2 years ago
For me it's I can't handle this at my best so stay away from me when I'm at my worst
Dawnieangel76 2 years ago
See, this statement was regarding people with mental or physical illness, who sometimes can't contain their emotions or maintain a constant positive attitude without occasionally breaking down. Instead it's become a mantra for a******s.
#19
They find out really personal information about you and use it against you in front of people or at their sickest convenience. Cough sister in law cough.
Cory Tollman 2 years ago
Happened to me once in junior high. Now IDGAF. It would take a lot of people relentlessly messing with me to get me to snap at this point. I'd certainly be turning up to HR about some harassment and going no contact/blocking people before I was in danger of losing it.
April Sewell 2 years ago
This is a painful one. My husband has done this in the most irreprehensable way that one could imagine.
Littlemiss 2 years ago
*cough cough* Nat. You useless entitled lying sack of shite. I never once bought up your life as an example of what not to do and how to make sure someone gets fired because of your lies.
#20
“I’ve got no filter...”
Tends to go with people who do rude things just because they’re “not allowed” to do them.
Sonja 2 years ago
The problem is that people love to claim that they have no filter or are only telling the truth when they're going out of their way to say really hurtful things. If you say: I really don't like that dress, the blue one looks so much better on you, that's something I'd accept as having no filter, you are too fat for this dress, the blue ones is hiding you better is just being a glassbowl
Binky Melnik 2 years ago
I’ve been sitting here thinking autocorrect bit your bottom with “glassbowl,” but kept working on it just in case. Now I’m thinking it’s your cute way of saying “azzhole.” Is that what it is? If so, it’s really adorable! (I’m imagining funny animated fish swimming around in it, like Nemo and his friends.) (And if I got it wrong, maybe don’t tell me, as you’ll wreck the smile on my face!) Or … you could wreck it by giving me an even *better* explanation, I guess. 😀
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Awesome At Being Autistic 2 years ago
I have no filter, but I don't mean to be rude. It's just that often my mouth operates without my brain being engaged, or I'm too literal, e.g., Friend: "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" Me: "No, your big butt makes your butt look big. But those jeans aren't helping."
Mabelbabel 2 years ago
Telling it like it is, and "I call a spade a spade" is simply code for "I don't give a damn about you or your feelings, that's not important, I can't be bothered to think about what I'm going to say and don't care if it hurts you because you're just not important enough to me to think about, so why should I bother having insight or modifying what I'm going to say?" No filter people are rude, selfish, bad-mannered and thoughtless. It's not something to be proud of.
the_harbringer_of_doom[s/t/h] 2 years ago (edited)
i have literally no filter the dark jokes slip out w/ people im comfy with then i think "well s**t, thats more than i wanted to share"
Dawnieangel76 2 years ago
See, I use this because I'm a very honest, sarcastic person. I don't believe in sugarcoating the truth if it's something that needs addressing and nobody else will speak up. I don't care if nobody likes me for it; I don't need friends.
Cory Tollman 2 years ago
In some cases saying "I've got no filter" tells me they grew up in a situation where there weren't a lot of potential consequences for pissing someone off. Sometimes the threat that someone might kick your a*s makes you rethink what you are saying even if what you said wasn't wrong. As an adult, learning this might keep you from getting your a*s kicked or, worse, sued.
#21
When they don't think they've done anything wrong after saying something hurtful, and they just tell the person to 'get over it' or say something like, 'Why do you care what they say?' Because hurtful words HURT. THEY HARM PEOPLE.
Snow_White 2 years ago
Of course, it's severe abuse when it's done to them.
Load More Replies... and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 2 years ago
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but heartless words cut deeper/For bones may bend, and someday mend; the price for words is steeper”
Fire Singer 2 years ago
I had someone at work say something hurtful to me, it was just a stupid flippant remark but it really hurt. I told him it hurt and he said, "I didn't hurt your feelings." I told him, "You can say you didn't mean to hurt my feelings but you can't tell me it didn't hurt me, they're MY feelings." We actually ended up talking about it and he was kind of flabbergasted that something he hadn't intended to be hurtful was. He's been a lot better about his flippant comments lately and when he says something unintentionally mean he does ask if he hurt anyone's feelings, He is at least trying!
the_harbringer_of_doom[s/t/h] 2 years ago
someone may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
I do think that we as a society are starting to become overly sensitive though. We're actually teaching kids that words hurt and that becomes self-fulfilling. As a kid I was taught the old "Words can't hurt you" rhyme and my parents talked to me about bullying and helped me understand that. It became true, the casual insults stopped bothering me. I think you can teach kids to be tough and you can teach your kids to be victims and we're starting to lean towards the latter a little too much.
April Sewell 2 years ago
Ooooohhh.. I hate that " get over it" is just a way of saying they don't care and will hurt you as they wish.
A gay cat man 2 years ago
my RSD is worse than 1 of my friends acts like it is and they CONSTANTLY act like I'm a d!ck for getting stressed over things like "get over it"
MushroomHead22 2 years ago
they harm you if you let it. again, the mentality of these people will not change. ever. you can do all you want to stop it, but it won't stop. just do you, be the best you that you can be, and ignore this type of person. once you're dead, it won't matter. don't waste your time on earth by trying to prevent people from being stupid..... stupid will always win the argument.
crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
People dont understand that words and feelings have power. People can die because of feelings
#22
People who pull the 'silent treatment.' You're a grown-ass adult. Stop acting like a 4-year-old.
Fire Singer 2 years ago
I don't think I do the 'silent treatment', but there are times I tell whoever I'm in an argument with (usually my SO) I need to not talk to them for a little while because I don't want to say anything I'll regret. Is that the same thing?
White Sauce Hot Sauce 2 years ago
That's just being careful and considerate with your words.
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Joroches 2 years ago
Wow, there's some judgemental people on here. You have no idea of the trauma people have been through and retreating into silence may well be a deep rooted defence strategy. Of course some people use it to be childishly manipulative but unless you really know them don't be so quick to judge.
River wolf 2 years ago
I do silent treatment, but I am a kid, so is that okay? Plus, it lets me try to forgive them or figure out if something’s wrong.
Cody Landry 2 years ago
Sometimes you just need to decompress and have space. If you deliberately just ignore someone that's different but if you just can't handle talking to someone at the moment ....sometimes that is just mental healthcare
Pete from Cali. USA 2 years ago
I generally don't engage with people who I know will annoy me or use my words against me. So there will be times that I'm hanging out with friends (and the annoying one) and don't say much all night. I call it shutting down... I'm not a 4-year-old! 😭.
Omima mimi miki 2 years ago
actually (depending on the circumstances) in Japan it works well. Sometimes shaming someone for what they have done without getting into an argument is to be silent towards them. They get the message and once they start to feel uncomfortable they will bring it up and acknowledge what they have done . and without rubbing it in their face you can say thank you or "Really" that's good to know....idk - it just works here, -
MontanaMariner 2 years ago
The silent treatment, or only hearing from someone when they want something, is my sign to leave. I won't twist someone's arm or bother them into being my friend.
#23
When someone writes you off as 'crazy' or 'dumb' for disagreeing with them. Instead of engaging in an argument or discussion, they try to win by diminishing your credibility and breaking down your confidence.
April Caron 2 years ago
I’ve experienced this in the workplace as… “Your opinion doesn’t count because you haven’t worked here long enough.” Soooo… my 20 years of experience suddenly doesn’t matter because they didn’t occur HERE? Yet I was hired HERE because of my experience.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago (edited)
I'm a bit on the fence about that. It depends on the differences between the two jobs. Sometimes a work environment is different enough that what worked somewhere else just won't work in the new one. If you come in and immediately try to change things "because it worked at my last job" without learning at least a bit about the new one you're asking for problems. edit: I mean that concept in general, not your particular experience.
Load More Replies... Samara Messer 2 years ago
Or they go out of their way to hate and disrespect those who have a different set of beliefs and values.
#24
when someone is a bad listener (but likes to talk abut themselves) . Sounds like a minor thing but at the core of it is lack of empathy. It's an early sign of toxicity
Vanayulmaiel 2 years ago
Could also be a sign of a psychic problem. Depressions make you less empathic, just becauce you can't handle it anymore.
Heather McDonald 2 years ago
Most of the comments are taking this a little out of context. OP means specifically people who don't hear what you say but are clearly just waiting for their chance to shift the focus to themselves again. Case in point my assistant manager, a self centered, God fearing Christian woman who will literally tell you she's not listening then start talking about her day.
BewilderedBanana 2 years ago
you notice that while you're talking, they're not listening. just thinking about what they're going to say next irrespective of what you just said
crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
I talk a ton when I'm around people I like just cause I have a lot to say, but I always try to encourage them to talk just as much. It's a conversation, not a molologue. Listening is more interesting than talking
WhiteWolf 1 year ago
I have a friend like this, but if I try to tell them how I FEEL, they're like: "Girl, I really don't care, but, if we're on this subject, just listen to what I'M going through." Even though all I do is listen to her rambling. I still can't get through to her and even if I try to stand up for myself, she tries to break me down again. She's rude, and has no other friends except me, I WONDER WHY
freakingbee (they/them) 2 years ago
yep. had a 6 year friendship and this went on the whole time and i only realized close to the end of it how toxic it was.
#25
From the most important to the least:
They take small digs at you or your life, unprovoked.
They put doubt in your perception.
They make you feel awful about being yourself.
They feel insulted when they shouldn't be.
They bring you down.
They think they're better than others.
Anna Kubicka 2 years ago
They make you feel awful about being yourself - yes, unless you're a d**k. None of us is perfect.
Nikkie Nothing 2 years ago
This is exactly what I have been dealing with from my sister in law and her dumb s**t husband. It's like whoever wrote this list knows them personally.
#26
I’m usually wary of people who say, 'I just call it as I see it' or 'I’m just blunt!' As if those are virtues. I feel like they use it as an excuse to hurt people’s feelings.
Aileen Grist 2 years ago
I'm blunt and would never say anything behind your back that I wouldn't say to your face, but I'm careful what I'm blunt about. I would rather go out of my way not to hurt someone's feelings. Even if it means I get hurt instead.
Fire Singer 2 years ago
I think that's the difference! I'm all for being blunt and I appreciate honesty, especially when you're not saying it behind other peoples backs, but knowing when it will just hurt people and not actually accomplish anything is important. Seems like you have a good handle on being blunt without being needlessly hurtful.
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Tracy Wallick 2 years ago
You can be honest without being an a*****e. People like this are preemptively trying to make it your problem when they say something needlessly harsh.
Pokemon Looser 2 years ago
In some cultures this is the norm. Only in the U.S. do we have to tiptoe around people's feelings because people can't handle their own emotions due to their parents coddling them all their lives and telling them the only thing that matters is their feelings and nothing else.
April Sewell 2 years ago
Depends if they fall on the autism spectrum. If they do, then they may be telling you the honest truth of themselves. If not, run. Heinous red flag.
Katie Lutesinger 2 years ago
I say "I calls 'em like I sees 'em", but only in response to someone saying "aww, thankyou - do you really think so?" to a compliment. :)
TotallyNOTaFox 2 years ago (edited)
Calling things like seeing it and being blunt doesn't need to be done in a rude or hurtful way, it's just that a lot of people that act that way just use it as an excuse to speak unfiltered. Using reasoning and politeness is the key to get a point across from my experience in management
Omima mimi miki 2 years ago
hmm it depends - sometimes you have to have balls to call things how they are. Some people need everything sugar coated so it doesn't hurt their feelings. You can't handle the truth- don't ask,...
crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
Everyone in my school uses this as an excuse to just be s****y to eachother. they don't even try to hide it
#27
"If you loved me you'd..."
I've been guilty of this one and someone mentioned that in a similar thread. I've done my best to be better ever since.
Nadine Khazaka 2 years ago
For me it often goes hand in hand with "I only do this because I love you" to excuse any kind of hurtful behavior.
Jared Robinson 2 years ago
if you loved me you wouldn't cheat on me is an acceptable one. cause duh.
Sonja 2 years ago
Ok but sometimes it's true that if a person loved you, they would, for example show respect or ask how you are when they hear something happened to you, but there's no use in actually telling them that. If you feel the urge to say this you're either A: in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you, then telling them jow they could show you they do makes no sense, or B: you are an abusive AH who tries to pressure people that way to do what you want
April Sewell 2 years ago
If they loved you they would never use this to coerce you into doing something that you don't want to.
Alan Watkiss 2 years ago
I've used this, but in the context of what follows. "If you love me, you will sit down and rest as you are poorly, let us look after you". Which I think is acceptable.....right?
#28
When someone constantly brings up the past. They can’t and won’t let it go, no matter how many times you explain and apologize, and they hold it against you every time.
April Caron 2 years ago (edited)
I’m going to explain this from my personal perspective (and that may mean some down votes)… I never set out to hold something against someone. Mistakes happen. All of us make errors in judgment. I’m no exception. I’ve ended up hurting people and I should’ve made better choices. However, for me… if I find myself unable to “let something go”… and I ruminate on it… it’s because I’m not getting what I need from the other person who “harmed” me. For example… a colleague once incorrectly “corrected” me in front of a group of other colleagues. I knew he was wrong. Later, he apologized, but in private. He never corrected his mistake in front of our other colleagues… AND THAT’S WHAT I NEEDED FOR HIM TO DO, in order to feel better about the situation. This happened 10 years ago. I’ve never brought it up. BUT… I’ve also never forgotten about it. My advice is to ask others, “What do you need from me in order to let this go? How can I make it right?”
Monika Nowak 2 years ago (edited)
You didn't have the courage to talk for yourself in front of other people and your colleague didn't have the courage to apologise in front of everyone too. But did to yourself in private. Let it go, it's not worth it
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Def_not_a_snake (they/them) 2 years ago (edited)
I had a "friend "that would come over and obsess over my pet snake, Mocha. One day she came over and decided that she didn't need my permission to open the enclosure and take out Mocha even though it was only her third time being with the snake. Well she ended up dropping her and when Mocha was calmed down and safely back in her enclosure, started being upset with me because I wouldn't let her out anymore that day ( snakes are supposed to be handled roughly once a day). Next week my parents invited her over and she kept begging me to take mocha out and her hold her, and kept questioning my judgement when I said no. She then also still kept trying to open the enclosure and still wonders why I don't trust her. Mocha is still only half a year old and I love her very much which is why I don't want my " friend " to hold her anymore.
Dawnieangel76 2 years ago
When my mother picks at me about my trust issues, in that I don't date or make friends, I do bring up that her dead second husband treated me like s**t for 15 years and she did nothing to stop it. But that's something I still haven't been able to forgive her for, even after 2 decades.
April Sewell 2 years ago
It depends on how they hurt you. Superficial hurts can be gotten over It's the deeper betrayals that are inexcusable.
#29
When they lie about really mundane, meaningless things. It might not seem like a big deal in the moment, but they're probably just not a truthful person in any situation.
Sonja 2 years ago
For me that depends on why they lie. I do accept white lies that are truly protecting people. Like telling a child that their pictures are pretty even though they look like the dog ran over the paper with dirt on their paws. Or a birde being immensely enamored with her dress, just loving it obviously, then telling her she's beautiful even when the dress looks like last years dishrag. Or telling me my cooking is divine when we both already know I forgot the salt. But if it's just done for their own convenience, it's definitely something that would destroy my trust. I believed for two decades that my mom loved hyacinth. I bought her hyacinth every spring, wanting to give her something nice. Eventually I found out that she willfully killed every hyacinth I ever gave me, lying to me about several incidents and whining how much she loved it, because in reality she hated those plants. I was furious. She made me waste a lot of money I didn't have at that time, directly throwing it away.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
Sadly, that's probably a white lie that got out of hand and just kept rolling.
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Jill Rhodry 2 years ago
Ooooh....I think this one's a sign of some deep seated childhood trauma - so not necessarily a 'bad' person, just someone with many issues - however mean it sounds, you still may need to avoid them until they realise, and seek the help they need.
Norah Reilly 2 years ago
I believe that if you'll lie about the little stuff, you'll lie about anything.
crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
I'd like to protect people's feelings, but only if it feels like they're looking for support and not actual opinions. If someone gets a haircut and seems excited about it, I say that it looks great, even if it looks like they took a chainsaw to their skull, but if theyre sending me pictures of what they want it to look like beforehand and asking my opinion, I'll probably tell them what I think in a more gentle way
#30
When they’re rude to teachers for no reason. Like, when they try to be 'funny' but it’s not funny at all.
Fire Singer 2 years ago
I had the best math teacher I've ever had quit in high school because of the other students being so rude to him. I was heartbroken!
A gay cat man 2 years ago
the only time ive ever seen a group of kids be rude collectively to a teacher was this one who was a control freak and homophobic and all this other sh!t that caused us ALL to hate her. Most teachers are amazing though and I would never go out of my way to hurt them
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3 Trash Pandas in a Trenchcoat 2 years ago
This is practically my entire math class, and I honestly don't understand it. My math teacher is one of the best teachers I've ever had, and super sweet. But these kids are disrespectful, don't listen to her, and lie to her face. I've never understood it and tbh part of me wants to strangle them for it (but I don't).
Ione Alva-wies 2 years ago
All the kids in my class shame my math teachers wig(s) they are savage and I always feel so bad
crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
As someone who works with kids, I know exactly how unreasonable and difficult we are, so I try to make it easier for teachers whenever possible
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
This isn't so much bad people as insecure, immature kids who likely have problems and that behaviour is their way of trying to gain some control and attention. At least usually, I'm sure there will always be some percentage of bad people.
MushroomHead22 2 years ago
rude to teachers is a no no. but rude to the substitute is a regulation.
#31
A subtle one is the person who acts very different around different groups. Like, they are a super-nice person around you, but then when they're in a group, they act like a jerk and say it's just an act for the 'guys' or whatever. Nah man, that's just you. And you're a jerk even if you're only a jerk 50% of the time.
Nope NotToday 2 years ago
I don't like this one. It's proven human psychology that people will act differently to fit in with others even when it goes against their better nature. Maybe they are torn between time spent with their social groups and romantic relationships, or they might have deep insecurities and need a lot of validation.
#32
When they constantly tell you how incredible they are (attractive, smart, etc). Some try to be subtle about it and will tell you stories about how others think they're so incredible, but it's the same principle.
Haru 2 years ago
Honestly, I do stuff like this with my friends in a joking manner. I don't know if that counts but it might
Katy Cordeth 2 years ago
It doesn't. The people who know and 'get' you are aware you're actually being self-deprecating. My Facebook bio, the bit you can hover over and gives a little description of you, used to read 'Social media star. Influencer. A beacon of light for a world shrouded in darkness'. My mates knew I was kidding, but occasionally some nitwit stranger I was arguing with online tried to use it to mock me and I was like, "My dude..."
Load More Replies... crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
I do this as a joke, or when I'm in a really positive space around self-confidence. I try to keep it to a minimum and treat others the same way I treat myself when I'm doing well
D. Pitbull 2 years ago
I start to 'wonder' about a person when their response to someone sharing a vulnerable situation is to boast about themselves. Example: Person-Sharing - "I guess that's a thing I never experienced, my family was never supportive of my goals" Response: "Oh really? Well, MY Family always told me I could be anything I want and recognized how smart I am. They would drop ANYthing for me and be there for me no matter what." Person-Sharing: "That's great... I don't know what that's like." Response: "Yeah, there was a time when I told them I got this new job and they immediately bought me a car of my own, NO questions! They put aside their wants and needs FOR ME... I've had SO much good support".
MontanaMariner 2 years ago
What's it mean if I'm always joking about how ugly, clumsy, and stupid I am?
#33
When they have to keep telling you something about themselves, it's usually a sign they're guilty of the thing they're trying to convince you they're not. Such as, 'I don't lie,' 'I'm not a liar,' 'I never lie,' 'I hate liars,' etc. That person is probably a pathological liar.
Haru 2 years ago
I used to have a friend who's thankfully not in my life anymore. They were always like "I never lie" or "I hate people who lie". Almost a year after I switched schools, they texted from their mom's number saying they overdosed/slit her wrists and commited you know what. A day later, I find out they were lying and blocked them on everything. Honestly, I don't need that kind of person in my life. They made me change myself a lot more than I was comfortable with. Moral of the story, get these kinds of people out of your life. You'll do much better.
WhiteWolf 1 year ago
I have a friend like that, but I can't block her, since she's in all the same stuff as me. She won't even enjoy it, she just wants to bother me.
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Got Myself 4 Pandas 2 years ago
It's not that I never lie, but when I do I may as well have a flashing neon sign above my head when I do, I'm terrible at it and it's written all over my face, a trait I've passed onto my kids, so I just fail to see the point in trying to lie when it's blatantly obvious
Barbara Skolly 2 years ago
I can relate. And i overthink my lies like Sheldon Cooper in Big Bang Theory which becomes exhausting so after multiple decades on this planet i've learned i'm too lazy to lie
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Sakura 2 years ago
Bro this is kinda long so like TL;DR: my old friend sucks and lies and does really mean things but I'm scared to let her go. So I have/had a friend (who let's call marissa) who I did musicals with and I just performed the sound of music with and she LOOOOVES to make me feel bad. Like she is also a teachers pet, too. But she'd lie about anything- ANYTHING YOU CAN IMAGINE. we're in the sixth grade. She runs to our math teacher for any little problem she's having. Marissa freaking loves to make me feel like she has a terrible life, but then spins around and brags about how cool she is because her dad is rich. (Her dad owns a business and store.) she'll be like, "oh, you have to get up at 5:am? That's too bad. I have to get up at 2:am (obviously a lie, our buses arrive from 6:am to 7:30am;) to get my bus at 5:am!"(*eyeroll* like I said, lies.) (comment)
Sakura 2 years ago
And then she goes and is like, "oh, next year, my dad is moving us into a mansion, and I even have a walk in closet!" Girl, you were just talking to me abt how much ur life sucked. And another thing. She Purposely pronounces her Rs like Ws. How do I know? When she's with her friends, she says her Rs perfectly, but when she is around our math teacher, it's all of a sudden All Ws. But I just can't seem to let go of her, because she loves to gossip and spread rumors, (AND LIE ABT STUFF *eyeroll*) so if I'm like, "hey, marissa, I don't really think we should be friends anymore, I feel like I should move on." All of a sudden, the whole school hears from Marissa that it's "HEY LOSER YOU SUCK AND IM NEVER BEING FRIENDS WITH A SHORTIE LIKE YOU!" (yeah, she's EXTREMELY short.) so I'm scared to let her go. But she always then says "I'm not lying," "I wouldn't lie to u!" Idk what I'll do :,(
Load More Replies... A gay cat man 2 years ago
i am a fiction writer and will sometimes make up absurd lies about myself and see if my friends will believe them. we have a lot of inside jokes based on one that was literally impossible lol
Nikki Gross 2 years ago (edited)
When I say " I hate drama", It's a warning to people that you do NOT want to bring that s**t to my door. I have enough of my own s**t to deal with, I don't need you adding to my problems. The only thing you'll see is my back because I will do a runner on that particular person.
Load More Replies... #34
When all of their other relationships are toxic. Like, they don't have a great relationship with any of their other friends, and they don't have a great relationship with any of their family/chosen family.
MontanaMariner 2 years ago
#1-33 had me feeling like maybe I'm not a turd, but this one makes me pretty sure I am a turd. I mean, do toxic and nonexistent mean the same thing here?
Nikole 2 years ago
The fact you are worried about it makes me think you’re not a complete turd :)
Load More Replies... Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
And all their ex girlfriends are just "psycho bitches". Nothing to do with them at all.
What do you think ?
LesAnimaux 2 years ago
I just ticked off 21 boxes for my mother. She is a terrible, terrible person who is so delusional about being so nice, but she is so abusive. I hate it. I hate being stuck in this situation.
Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
I gave up ticking boxes and decided to become a kumquat. Seems saqfer than being human.
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
How are some of these "subtle"? Definition of subtle: "so delicate or precise or obscure as to be difficult to identify or analyze". Opposite of subtle: Most of these.
crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
I definitely have the problem of constantly talking about how cool I am. It's really about my mental health (I probably have bipolar and struggle with self hatred and insecurity when things get bad) but I should probably try to stop doing that
LesAnimaux 2 years ago
I just ticked off 21 boxes for my mother. She is a terrible, terrible person who is so delusional about being so nice, but she is so abusive. I hate it. I hate being stuck in this situation.
Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
I gave up ticking boxes and decided to become a kumquat. Seems saqfer than being human.
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
How are some of these "subtle"? Definition of subtle: "so delicate or precise or obscure as to be difficult to identify or analyze". Opposite of subtle: Most of these.
crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
I definitely have the problem of constantly talking about how cool I am. It's really about my mental health (I probably have bipolar and struggle with self hatred and insecurity when things get bad) but I should probably try to stop doing that
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