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“Should I Text Back Now?”: 46 People Talk About The Social Cues That Baffle Them
While almost every person has interacted with another at some point during their lives, this by no means is evidence of an even playing field. Not all norms and cues transcend cultures and sometimes neurodivergent folks have their own struggles. So it can be useful to see what other folks go through daily.
Someone asked people to describe “what social cues have confused you?” and people listed their best examples. So get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote the ones that you really relate to and be sure to share your own thoughts and experiences in the comments down below.
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#1
I still haven’t figured out the cues for when people want me to stop talking. Sometimes I don’t really talk at all but others I just can’t seem to stop talking and later I feel stupid and like I bothered everyone because I don’t know if I talked too much or not.
Sue Denham 1 month ago
When the person you're talking to says "Oh, I just remembered I have to . . ." and slowly backs away - there's your cue.
RELATED:
#2
Any sort of flirting, I can’t ever tell if things are romantic or friendship until it’s clarified. Also struggle with figuring out people’s intentions, both as a general rule and also if they ask a question I don’t always get what it is they want to know, and end up replying something quite different.
#3
I continuously get confused by the expectation to preface things I say so that they will not be misunderstood, because people have a tendency to imagine/invent additional meanings to what I am saying. So no matter how literal and clear I am, I can’t trust I will be believed and understood because people will think I actually meant something else.
#4
Making friends. I never realized you could just make friends whenever, I thought it was just something to happen to you, never understood the work to make a friend.
Mel in Georgia 1 month ago
I was in a chorus and a new soprano sat next to me. She said something funny and I responded. Later learned she was a new pastor's wife and she said it was hard to make friends in the congregation because of her position. I said, "I'll be your friend!" I am an atheist. She has now been my BFF for over 20 years and she's divorced and an atheist, too. 😊
#5
When I point out the obvious or something that is clearly immoral happening and I’m the problem. .
#6
Questioning authority is bad. I'm not supposed to ask why the rules are that way, but isn't that the way humans have historically changed bad things? by questioning why things are the way they are?
#7
Eye contact or hand shakes. it's not even necessary, let's just say hello and that's it. (ಠ_ಠ).
#9
I said “girlllll are you crazy?” to a lady at my job on my second day…. I work in behavioral health and she is schizophrenic. She looked at me dead pan and said “yes, that is why we are all here”. We’re buddies now and she hugs me every day but I was MORTIFIED
#10
When someone hints that they want an interaction to end, rather than saying it outright.
For example, I went to a neighbor's house and their 5 year old dragged me into playing Legos with him. A bit later, his mom came into the room and said that their neighbor (referring to me) probably doesn't want to play anymore and has things to do. I didn't understand she was hinting that she wanted me to leave so I said that I didn't mind playing with the kid.
Auntriarch 1 month ago
Or she may just have been teaching her child to be polite and not take advantage of another's kindness.
#11
If someone gives you a compliment they expect one back or else you're considered rude. A "thank you" does not suffice for some reason? I just learned this recently. I'm really bad at giving compliments and always hated receiving them so now I hate them even more.
Asking "why" is also rude for some odd reason. I just want to know the explanation for something. Why is that wrong?
Dan Holden 1 month ago
Insecure people maybe. I only compliment people when I really mean it. The last thing I would want is for that person to feel the need to compliment me in return.
#12
I was a bartender and a co-worker asked me to sign a card for a fellow co worker. I was busy and annoyed. I signed the card “happy bday - Bria” later everyone was laughing because it was a condolence card for the passing of his aunt. He luckily said it made his day and made him laugh. Now I’ll always stop and make sure to read the card first. Lol
#13
When I'm at someone's house, knowing when to leave. This one STRESSES ME OUT. Because its rude for them to kick me out, I know I have to be the one to initiate it even if I want to stay longer, and I just never know when is right to leave.
Mel in Georgia 1 month ago
As someone who would rather people leave sooner than later, this is a tough one. I tend to go rude and start cleaning up. That's a clue.
#14
Why do I need to introduce myself when I walk into a room or where there's a group of people? I don't want to actually talk to anyone, I just like the presence of their company. I will respond if they say hi to me, but I dont see why they tell me I'm rude for not saying hi to them when I didn't even want to talk to them in the first place.
I also don't understand why people ask questions and then get upset when you're honest. Like why ask me 'do I look fat in this outfit?' And then get upset when I reapons 'yeah, it doesn't really suit your body type'. Why ask if you're not going to actually want to hear my honest opinion. Even then, why does my opinion matter so much to you? You're not dressing for me, you're dressing for yourself. If you feel good in your outfit, then my opinion doesn't matter. It's literally just one opinion.
Mel in Georgia 1 month ago
Having social intelligence is something that some people have naturally, is very underrated, and I imagine that if you don't have it, it's hard to learn. Feel for this OP. Must make social interactions very confusing.
#15
Oh boy.. ive been waiting for this one.
1. Making eye contact and smiling/greeting someone walking past you
2. The 'how are you doing' question with 'good' being the only expected response
3. Constantly having to smile or laugh
4. Facial expressions. Need i say more on this one.
5. Expected to fawn over children and dogs(i hate both)
6. Saying 'no' when someone offers you something at first to seem polite
7. Offering to pay for something when you dont mean to just to seem polite
8. Expected to compliment someone when they bring something up such as their hair or clothes
9. Responding or when to insert into conversations
10. Passive aggressiveness.
Mel in Georgia 1 month ago
Except for the last one, these are the oils that make social interactions smooth. They recognize them, so why not use them? They aren't inherently natural for many, but they make life easier. So many people don't care and want to gum up the works these days.
Austzn 1 month ago
I think people just express themselves differently, even with social behavior. I mean, it's one thing to identify a harm done to others but what's on this list is just a divergent person who doesn't want to fake it. I am one too. We mean no harm. 😁
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Mike F 1 month ago
When I moved to Kalamazoo in early 90s I noticed that it was lots more friendly than Detroit. I made it a point to nod and just give a "hey". Sometimes folks looked at me like they thought I was an escaped mental patient, other times I got a nod or a wave in reply. Carrying on this way I got to know (by sight) a few dozen of the folks in the surrounding neighborhood. It blew my roommates away when we were out someplace and a neighbor from several blocks over would stop me just for a simple "how's it going". It was easy to just give a nod.
Huddo's sister 3 weeks ago
I aways lie when I meet people's dogs and say something like 'so cute'. I don't hate them, just never had a connection with one apart from my mum's current one and I was actually scared of them for a long time (I still get anxious sometimes because they can be so unpredictable, but can force myself to cope now). For years I would just not comment on them at all or just say 'I'm not into dogs' but I got sick of the questions you get after that.
#16
Keeping to yourself is a red flag to some people 😭.
SchadenFreudian Psychology 1 month ago
I have trouble with this one. If you’re just minding your own business and doing everything you’re supposed to do—why do other people want something extra? Is being social compulsory?
#17
When people tell you to be honest they dont want you to he honest like what? Then why even ask it?
KatSaidWhat 1 month ago
People who start things with "I'll be honest" makes me think they normally lie...
#18
I'm not sure if it fits into theis category, but threats masked as passive agressive questions are really confusing.
You know, the ones that sound like "Do you really want to do this?" or "Have you thought about what you've just said?". It genuinelly stuns me for several seconds, and when I ask back to clarify if it was a warning, or a threat, or if I did something wrong, and receive the answer that everything's OK, it's getting worse even more.
I'm aware of the fact that I did something wrong, and I want to correct my behaviour. This elusive manner of conversation isn't helping. Just say it.
Ace 1 month ago
Without context it's difficult to say, but I'm struggling to imagine the environment in which there's a right and a wrong in this way. And if you've said something embarrassing but not understood why, most people will not want you to 'correct' it, just move on and forget you said it - by asking 'why' you're just highlighting it and dragging it out even longer.
#19
at my eye appointment they told me to open wide and I opened my mouth instead of my eyes 🥲 to be fair I had just came from my dentist appointment
#20
I gave an interviewer a hug at the end of my interview. Thought they were going in for a hug (don’t know why my brain would ever think that) but they were reaching out for a handshake. Still got the job
Karl der Große 1 month ago
I would be fine if we hugged each other all the time. My wife is the opposite. She'd prefer if nobody ever hugged anybody.
#21
Why people care when it has nothing to do with them. For example I like to swim for exercise and in the summer I go to a public beach and swim there. Because that’s free and I prefer to be outdoors. I go as far out as possible and I’m not in anyone’s way. Yet some are upset because I make them look bad when they just want to relax. I don’t even know them 😅 and they lie on a beach towel far away from me.
Karl der Große 1 month ago
If I see someone energetically doing laps and say, "Wow! You're making me look bad!" what I mean is, "Keep up the good work! I admire your discipline." It's sort of a stealth compliment, because it is hard to straight-out compliment people sometimes. I'm getting better at it, but it is still easier to communicate the first way.
#22
When someone is sarcastic, and I am sarcastic in return. And they say: it was just a joke.
Like- what did I do wrong? I was following along? Did I did it wrong? Did I seemed offended or like their sarcasm went over my head?
#23
I met a guy and he said “I’m rich” I responded with “oh you’re conceited” and he said “no, that my name.” Oh,ok
#24
All the people in my life knowing I'm different and not telling me. For yeeeaaarrs.
#25
People expressing jealousy as a compliment.
Lying about their interests or likes/hates just to relate in the moment ("omg i love that too" when they actually don't and will say so in the next convo a day later and no one cares even if they were present in the first convo).
Asking a question when they meant it as a statement to pretend to be polite ("would you like some tea" then doesnt accept no for an answer. Just be rude and make me tea without asking if youre going to do that anyway cause you wont accept a no).
#26
This might be a very specific one but when people look at you when something is funny in a movie or tv show… like are you asking for approval to laugh?
#27
Tapping in with people I know just cause I know them. Like there’s that obligatory hi even if I don’t wanna chat to you.
#28
I never get Hand shakes, fist bumps, high fives, hugs from non-fam members, (and dapping as u/birdsarentreal2 said) correct.
I went to a (dreadful) professional meet and greet after work hours with someone I know work related. We have a great working relationship, very professional, but we've only meet in person once or twice (I work remotely). When we walked up she went in for the hug while I had my hand out for a handshake. I got the hug.
Thankfully, no awkward greeting moment.
I liked the hug... Thanks for the hug... next time i'll go in for the hug.
Karl der Große 1 month ago
I don't like when someone decides you need a special handshake with them. I don't really want to learn some complex pattern just to greet you. I will, though, because I know it's important to you to feel that we share something special.
#29
Passive aggressive behavior. I hate when I'm interacting with someone and they're in a bad mood, but then I see them happily socializing with other people. I don't understand the point of being that.
Why not just tell the person they've upset you and why?
Why does someone have to pick apart themselves to understand why you are upset with them?
#30
When it’s not appropriate for me to ask questions to clarify a story/situation. I always get an IDK back like the question I asked was the weirdest question ever. When it’s not, it’s very necessary for my engagement and understand of the story.
#31
I was 16 & went to a funeral home visitation by myself for the first time. My best friend's father died suddenly. I was a nervous wreck standing in line to see her Mom. When I finally got to her, I said "Congratulations".
Karl der Große 1 month ago
I had a medium size family, and now there are only two of us left. People worry about saying the right thing at funerals, but really the "right thing" often sounds canned and fake. If you just say, "Whoa" or "I'm sorry" I'll understand.
#32
It's when a person asks a rhetorical question.
#33
‘Do you want to…?’ But they’re expecting a yes. Drives me up the wall. I hate that.
Mel in Georgia 1 month ago
"No, thanks" is a complete sentence. Said with confidence and a smile, it's usually met with, "Oh, ok."
#34
People tend to feel threatened when you want to know the "why" behind something.
also, telling people the truth when they ask your opinion on how they look.
saying hello/making eye contact when you or someone else enters a room.
being expected to return a compliment when you receive one.
generally not openly disagreeing with someone's opinion/telling someone they are wrong in a polite manner (is this an ego thing? is it about embarrassment?)
not telling someone you did well on something that they did poorly on. (ex: friend gets a 60% on a test, asks you how you did, you say you got a 95%, now you're rude and insensitive)
i also frequently miss the kind of sarcasm where people just pretend to be flat out unreasonably rude. ("can i use your restroom?" "absolutely not") and i never know how to react because i can't tell if they're being serious or not. this then normally results in the "i'm kidding!! of course you can! why would i not let you use my restroom?" type of response. i think maybe this is connected to the way i (and so many other autistics) experienced such harsh and unreasonable rudeness in response to many actions of mine that i felt were completely normal/reasonable? because i don't seem to have too much trouble identifying other types of sarcasm, i just have the tendency to believe it plausible that someone would be that mean to me.
Ace 1 month ago
Yes, it's all about tact and diplomacy. People are not threatened by you wanting to know why, but by your manner of asking, which is implying that they're wrong or making it look like you think they're stupid. It's something _you_ need to work on, not the other people making it difficult for you.
#35
I read and heard people can learn a lot from eye contact, to me I see just eyes and generally feel uncomfortable looking into them. I can at best observe someone has narrow or widened pupils, but this doesn't tell me much, I can only wonder if that's due to lighting or something else. Not to mention more complex observations.
I also cannot get all the corporate mumbo - jumbo. I make a living as a Software Engineer, I get hired for my skills and experience, then I get into serious trouble for leveraging it and making best efforts to serve the organization, then I get into absurd situations and conflicts because I hurt someone's ego. Then I'm being put on an improvement plan and told to shut up. Then I look for a new job. Rinse and repeat.
I also cannot tell if / when someone finds me attractive. When I met my wife, I first didn't notice anything at all, just thinking I've found a good friend and a soulmate, and then somehow we ended up in a relationship that lasts to this day. It also took me months to figure out it's not a prank or a bet. Felt extremely weird. Now when she gets jealous about my female work colleagues or friends, because she thinks they might be onto something, I genuinely cannot even tell if she might be right.
#36
Saying bless you. I really don't care to say it. And then having to say thank you when someone says it to you. People really don't care about your health so why are you saying this when I sneeze. It's such a fake automatic response from people. Like come on.
Ace 1 month ago
It exists in most languages and cultures, often a variation of "health"; harks back to times of serious illnesses where sneezing might be an early symptom. Yes, of course, 99.9% of people don't actually mean it, but where's the harm? At the very least it's simply acknowledging your discomfort and allowing normal conversation to resume.
#37
I was a server at a restaurant. A family came in to eat, the dad was blind (with the walking stick and all). I thought they needed something for the table but it was actually sitting on the table. I said ‘oh, I didn’t see it there, I must be blind!’ 🫠 it’s been 15 years and it still haunts me lol
#38
At a large event and the instructor asked if anyone plays piano. I raised my hand just thinking they were wondering if anyone played the piano growing up. They asked me to play in front of everyone and I couldn't remember how to play one thing and kept messing up. It was horrendous. She tapped me to go back to my seat and I had to spend 3 more days at this event with everyone.
#39
I’ve worked in a trauma hospital for 14 years, leading to seriously dark humor. I accidentally make every conversation awkward.
#40
I was a server for a large party, everyone was wearing black “oooh you guys look so nice matching in all black!” “Thanks we just left a funeral”.
#41
I have to befriend w everyone or i’ll be bullied even when i don’t like most of the ppl in my class? Really? I have completly no idea who made that system up 😓.
Mel in Georgia 1 month ago
There's a difference between being a friend and just being polite and respectful - friendly. You don't have to like people to do that.
#42
I have a boss who will ask, "How are you today, Borgy?".....as he stops what he is doing and turns his whole body towards me. If I say anything other than "Fine," he says in a weird, slow way, "...o-kaaayyyy."
I have confirmed with witnesses that he acts like he wants an answer....
why not just walk on like the others?!? Is it a test? Is it a trick? It it some joke?
Some days, I'll say "okay," but then he asks me if something is wrong...😵 I cannot understand this man to save my life....it makes me think he hates me or wants me to know he knows something about me is off. 🫠🙃💀.
Ace 1 month ago
Yeah, it's the boss that's being weird and doesn't fully understand the social norms. I, on the other hand, always feel like I want to give an actual answer, and indeed often, recently, that is actually intended by the questioner (having recently lost my wife, they're asking me if I' doing OK, and want to know). Depends if it's someone you'd normally share such information with or not.
#43
Some people are not "accessible". Like they don't want to talk to you. They will answer if you say something, but they're not really "with" you ever.
This kind of thing, where people either have a response like they're dismissing or ignoring you, for no reason, is something that's always confused me greatly. Others around me pick up on it immediately and elbow me to get me to not talk to them or whatever. It can be the most surface level social interaction, as non-invasive as it gets, and people will just choose not to acknowledge the interaction.
I've been to chill parties where there's a person who seems to not be enjoying themselves, who doesn't want anyone to talk to them, yet they chose to come and stay the whole time. They talk to one other person, and cut short any other interactions.
Mel in Georgia 1 month ago
They're struggling with social interactions. Just let them be and not worry about it.
#44
People get very angry if you don't say ''Thank you'' all the time because they did a simple favor for you (like washing a dish, giving you a glass of water, buying you something) at home I have to say thank you, leave 5/10 minutes of silence and repeat again ''Thank you for (X thing)'' because otherwise they will get angry
Also, if you do a favor and they say thank you, you don't respond at all or with a physical gesture they get angry too. It's not necessary to communicate everything all the time, you know?
Mel in Georgia 1 month ago
Frequent "thanks" and "you're welcomes" make people feel acknowledged. It's not hard.
#45
Saying hello to people I know when I’m out shopping or some such. For some reason it’s easier if I’m out for a bike ride and meet a fellow racer (cause no eye contact maybe?) but if I see someone I know when I’m out, I will actively avoid them.
SchadenFreudian Psychology 1 month ago
Same! I dread being pulled into a long conversation when I really don’t have much to say. If I could know for sure that they’ll stop and move on after saying a brief hello……
#46
During my c-section the anesthesiologist asked a question right behind my ear and I answered “I don’t know” and he said “I was talking to the doctor”
Michael Largey 1 month ago
Surgeon: "Don't be nervous, Dave. It's just a simple routine operation. Nothing to get shook up about, Dave." Patient: "Wait! My name's not Dave." Surgeon: "I know. I'm Dave."
#47
I was at TJ Maxx and a girl who didn’t speak English was tugging on two carts that were stuck together. I needed a cart too, so I said “hey we got this!” And tugged on the other end to separate them. It was only one cart
#48
It was my first day of my first job and I asked a lady in a wheelchair if she wanted a booth or a table
#49
I went get my nails done with my friend, i finished first and the worker asked me for payment. I thought she asked me if i wanted more service and I said “no thanks” i didn’t understand why she was looking at me like
#50
My neighbor was showing me her hand and it wasn’t clicking that she was showing me she was missing a finger. I just grabbed her hand and shook it and said “nice to meet you” and laughed. She said “what is wrong with you? I’m showing you my missing finger.”
Zig Zag Wanderer 1 month ago
"Obviously you're not showing me your missing finger, because it's not there, is it? Hah!"
#51
I was scheduling an important cancer appointment for my dad, I have AWFUL anxiety, I rehearsed the call again and again and then finally called it went like this “so and so how may I help you?” Me “hi, I’d like to schedule an apology” I was embarrassed and they weren’t at all impressed
Auntriarch 1 month ago (edited)
They weren't impressed? That sounds an exceptionally shïtty reaction.
#52
Went to a family members wedding when I was about 18 ish. The reception was at their family home. Huge property. Beautiful house. When we arrived, wearing our formal attire, we saw guests from the wedding in regular clothing. So my cousin and I said OH OKAY and changed into jeans and sweatshirts. We park. Walk to the giant tent filled with our entire family plus 200 more people…… still in formal attire. Our aunt rushed us out to change back into our dresses. The guests in regular clothes were just directing the 200+ guests where to park…. We scream and cringe about it to this day
#53
One time I left a message and at the end of the message I said “In Jesus name Amen”
#54
On my first day meeting my boss, I delivered some mail to her while she was in a meeting and she said “thank you” and I said “no, thank you!”
#55
I went to a nice restaurant and needed my parking to be verified. So they got out a stamp and I gave them my right hand bc I thought it was like when they stamp your hand to go in a club. They looked at me confused and I was like oh duh.. you need my left hand. And they were like “um no this is for the receipt”
#56
when i was in college i walked up to a girl to try and talk to her cuz i thought she was cute. i opened my mouth to say something and nothing came out….i tried 3 more times to say something before i turned around and grabbed my things and just left the building.
#57
One time at a restaurant with a friend, a senior person at my place of work walked in with her husband and I went to introduce and I FORGOT MY FREINDS
#58
Wasn’t me but my coworker was talking to a customer in a wheelchair holding a pizza box and he asked her how long she’d have to be in the wheelchair and if she broke her ankle or something and lifted the pizza box up and pointed to her stumps she had no legs. And his face was like 😳 and he said oh I’m sorry I didn’t see! He said he swore he thought she had a boot on or something lol it was awkward and funny.
#59
I was once inserting a cannula into someone's foot. I warned them it could be a bit painful but they said don't worry i'm quadriplegic and can't feel anything from the neck down. I replied "oh great!"
#60
I asked a girl to ‘pop her sunglasseses off’ for the video we were shooting indoors as it looked odd on camera. Anyway she was partially sighted and they weren’t sunglasses
#61
I tried to be funny to Egyptian border guards as I was waiting to cross. They were NOT amused 💀 Don’t make the “mind blown” hand gestures in places where they worry about actual bombs
Zig Zag Wanderer 1 month ago
Immigration and airport security have their sense of humour forcibly removed for the job
#62
I was in a group message for work who helped migrant kids. They were talking about a boy now man who had been on La Bestia. I got excited talking about the zipline in PR. they were talking about a very dangerous train ride where people have died. 😵💫 I realized how out of touch I was and I still cringe about that text.
#63
I was working a cashier shift when a man in a wheelchair came up to me to ask a question after I answered it I said have a good day and he said “oh no I’m not leaving I’m going to -“ I cut him off and said oh okay just gonna walk aro——- immediate regret . He laughed it off
#64
My friend’s stepdad was demonstrating swimming techniques with his hands. I thought he was trying to high five me. So I just… touched his hand. It was not a high five.
#65
When neurotypicals expect you to read their minds and just know things.
Ace 1 month ago
There is no such thing as "neurotypical". It's why we use terms like "spectrum" for neurodivergent conditions - at one end of the spectrum there are those who are close to what you may perceive as 'typical' if you're close to the other end, but they all have their own hang-ups and issues too.
What do you think ?
Auntriarch 1 month ago
Some of them sounded very young, hopefully it will click at some point.
Auntriarch 1 month ago
Some of them sounded very young, hopefully it will click at some point.
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