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“Should I Text Back Now?”: 37 People Talk About The Social Cues That Baffle Them
Article created by: Ilona Baliūnaitė
While almost every person has interacted with another at some point during their lives, this by no means is evidence of an even playing field. Not all norms and cues transcend cultures and sometimes neurodivergent folks have their own struggles. So it can be useful to see what other folks go through daily.
Someone asked people to describe “what social cues have confused you?” and people listed their best examples. So get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote the ones that you really relate to and be sure to share your own thoughts and experiences in the comments down below.
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#1
I still haven’t figured out the cues for when people want me to stop talking. Sometimes I don’t really talk at all but others I just can’t seem to stop talking and later I feel stupid and like I bothered everyone because I don’t know if I talked too much or not.
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#2
Any sort of flirting, I can’t ever tell if things are romantic or friendship until it’s clarified. Also struggle with figuring out people’s intentions, both as a general rule and also if they ask a question I don’t always get what it is they want to know, and end up replying something quite different.
#3
I continuously get confused by the expectation to preface things I say so that they will not be misunderstood, because people have a tendency to imagine/invent additional meanings to what I am saying. So no matter how literal and clear I am, I can’t trust I will be believed and understood because people will think I actually meant something else.
#4
Making friends. I never realized you could just make friends whenever, I thought it was just something to happen to you, never understood the work to make a friend.
#5
When I point out the obvious or something that is clearly immoral happening and I’m the problem. .
#6
Questioning authority is bad. I'm not supposed to ask why the rules are that way, but isn't that the way humans have historically changed bad things? by questioning why things are the way they are?
#7
Eye contact or hand shakes. it's not even necessary, let's just say hello and that's it. (ಠ_ಠ).
#9
I said “girlllll are you crazy?” to a lady at my job on my second day…. I work in behavioral health and she is schizophrenic. She looked at me dead pan and said “yes, that is why we are all here”. We’re buddies now and she hugs me every day but I was MORTIFIED
#10
When someone hints that they want an interaction to end, rather than saying it outright.
For example, I went to a neighbor's house and their 5 year old dragged me into playing Legos with him. A bit later, his mom came into the room and said that their neighbor (referring to me) probably doesn't want to play anymore and has things to do. I didn't understand she was hinting that she wanted me to leave so I said that I didn't mind playing with the kid.
#11
If someone gives you a compliment they expect one back or else you're considered rude. A "thank you" does not suffice for some reason? I just learned this recently. I'm really bad at giving compliments and always hated receiving them so now I hate them even more.
Asking "why" is also rude for some odd reason. I just want to know the explanation for something. Why is that wrong?
#12
I was a bartender and a co-worker asked me to sign a card for a fellow co worker. I was busy and annoyed. I signed the card “happy bday - Bria” later everyone was laughing because it was a condolence card for the passing of his aunt. He luckily said it made his day and made him laugh. Now I’ll always stop and make sure to read the card first. Lol
#13
Why do I need to introduce myself when I walk into a room or where there's a group of people? I don't want to actually talk to anyone, I just like the presence of their company. I will respond if they say hi to me, but I dont see why they tell me I'm rude for not saying hi to them when I didn't even want to talk to them in the first place.
I also don't understand why people ask questions and then get upset when you're honest. Like why ask me 'do I look fat in this outfit?' And then get upset when I reapons 'yeah, it doesn't really suit your body type'. Why ask if you're not going to actually want to hear my honest opinion. Even then, why does my opinion matter so much to you? You're not dressing for me, you're dressing for yourself. If you feel good in your outfit, then my opinion doesn't matter. It's literally just one opinion.
#14
Oh boy.. ive been waiting for this one.
1. Making eye contact and smiling/greeting someone walking past you
2. The 'how are you doing' question with 'good' being the only expected response
3. Constantly having to smile or laugh
4. Facial expressions. Need i say more on this one.
5. Expected to fawn over children and dogs(i hate both)
6. Saying 'no' when someone offers you something at first to seem polite
7. Offering to pay for something when you dont mean to just to seem polite
8. Expected to compliment someone when they bring something up such as their hair or clothes
9. Responding or when to insert into conversations
10. Passive aggressiveness.
#15
When I'm at someone's house, knowing when to leave. This one STRESSES ME OUT. Because its rude for them to kick me out, I know I have to be the one to initiate it even if I want to stay longer, and I just never know when is right to leave.
#16
When people tell you to be honest they dont want you to he honest like what? Then why even ask it?
#17
I'm not sure if it fits into theis category, but threats masked as passive agressive questions are really confusing.
You know, the ones that sound like "Do you really want to do this?" or "Have you thought about what you've just said?". It genuinelly stuns me for several seconds, and when I ask back to clarify if it was a warning, or a threat, or if I did something wrong, and receive the answer that everything's OK, it's getting worse even more.
I'm aware of the fact that I did something wrong, and I want to correct my behaviour. This elusive manner of conversation isn't helping. Just say it.
#19
I gave an interviewer a hug at the end of my interview. Thought they were going in for a hug (don’t know why my brain would ever think that) but they were reaching out for a handshake. Still got the job
#20
Why people care when it has nothing to do with them. For example I like to swim for exercise and in the summer I go to a public beach and swim there. Because that’s free and I prefer to be outdoors. I go as far out as possible and I’m not in anyone’s way. Yet some are upset because I make them look bad when they just want to relax. I don’t even know them 😅 and they lie on a beach towel far away from me.
#21
When someone is sarcastic, and I am sarcastic in return. And they say: it was just a joke.
Like- what did I do wrong? I was following along? Did I did it wrong? Did I seemed offended or like their sarcasm went over my head?
#23
People expressing jealousy as a compliment.
Lying about their interests or likes/hates just to relate in the moment ("omg i love that too" when they actually don't and will say so in the next convo a day later and no one cares even if they were present in the first convo).
Asking a question when they meant it as a statement to pretend to be polite ("would you like some tea" then doesnt accept no for an answer. Just be rude and make me tea without asking if youre going to do that anyway cause you wont accept a no).
#24
This might be a very specific one but when people look at you when something is funny in a movie or tv show… like are you asking for approval to laugh?
#25
Passive aggressive behavior. I hate when I'm interacting with someone and they're in a bad mood, but then I see them happily socializing with other people. I don't understand the point of being that.
Why not just tell the person they've upset you and why?
Why does someone have to pick apart themselves to understand why you are upset with them?
#26
I met a guy and he said “I’m rich” I responded with “oh you’re conceited” and he said “no, that my name.” Oh,ok
#27
Tapping in with people I know just cause I know them. Like there’s that obligatory hi even if I don’t wanna chat to you.
#28
I never get Hand shakes, fist bumps, high fives, hugs from non-fam members, (and dapping as u/birdsarentreal2 said) correct.
I went to a (dreadful) professional meet and greet after work hours with someone I know work related. We have a great working relationship, very professional, but we've only meet in person once or twice (I work remotely). When we walked up she went in for the hug while I had my hand out for a handshake. I got the hug.
Thankfully, no awkward greeting moment.
I liked the hug... Thanks for the hug... next time i'll go in for the hug.
#29
When it’s not appropriate for me to ask questions to clarify a story/situation. I always get an IDK back like the question I asked was the weirdest question ever. When it’s not, it’s very necessary for my engagement and understand of the story.
#32
People tend to feel threatened when you want to know the "why" behind something.
also, telling people the truth when they ask your opinion on how they look.
saying hello/making eye contact when you or someone else enters a room.
being expected to return a compliment when you receive one.
generally not openly disagreeing with someone's opinion/telling someone they are wrong in a polite manner (is this an ego thing? is it about embarrassment?)
not telling someone you did well on something that they did poorly on. (ex: friend gets a 60% on a test, asks you how you did, you say you got a 95%, now you're rude and insensitive)
i also frequently miss the kind of sarcasm where people just pretend to be flat out unreasonably rude. ("can i use your restroom?" "absolutely not") and i never know how to react because i can't tell if they're being serious or not. this then normally results in the "i'm kidding!! of course you can! why would i not let you use my restroom?" type of response. i think maybe this is connected to the way i (and so many other autistics) experienced such harsh and unreasonable rudeness in response to many actions of mine that i felt were completely normal/reasonable? because i don't seem to have too much trouble identifying other types of sarcasm, i just have the tendency to believe it plausible that someone would be that mean to me.
#33
I have to befriend w everyone or i’ll be bullied even when i don’t like most of the ppl in my class? Really? I have completly no idea who made that system up 😓.
#34
Some people are not "accessible". Like they don't want to talk to you. They will answer if you say something, but they're not really "with" you ever.
This kind of thing, where people either have a response like they're dismissing or ignoring you, for no reason, is something that's always confused me greatly. Others around me pick up on it immediately and elbow me to get me to not talk to them or whatever. It can be the most surface level social interaction, as non-invasive as it gets, and people will just choose not to acknowledge the interaction.
I've been to chill parties where there's a person who seems to not be enjoying themselves, who doesn't want anyone to talk to them, yet they chose to come and stay the whole time. They talk to one other person, and cut short any other interactions.
#35
People get very angry if you don't say ''Thank you'' all the time because they did a simple favor for you (like washing a dish, giving you a glass of water, buying you something) at home I have to say thank you, leave 5/10 minutes of silence and repeat again ''Thank you for (X thing)'' because otherwise they will get angry
Also, if you do a favor and they say thank you, you don't respond at all or with a physical gesture they get angry too. It's not necessary to communicate everything all the time, you know?
#36
Saying hello to people I know when I’m out shopping or some such. For some reason it’s easier if I’m out for a bike ride and meet a fellow racer (cause no eye contact maybe?) but if I see someone I know when I’m out, I will actively avoid them.
#37
Saying bless you. I really don't care to say it. And then having to say thank you when someone says it to you. People really don't care about your health so why are you saying this when I sneeze. It's such a fake automatic response from people. Like come on.
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