“His Anger Was Out Of Line”: Dad Wants Daughter To Deposit Christmas Check, Loses It As She Doesn’t
As we have written many times, the percentage of adults in the United States today living under the same roof with their parents is the highest since the mid-20th century. And where there are representatives of different generations in the same house, various conflicts will inevitably occur.
The story we’re going to tell you today happened this Christmas, and the author of the original post, the user u/Destama, can’t figure out whether the family drama was caused by her own forgetfulness, her parents’ overreaction, or both. Maybe we can figure it out together…
More info: Reddit
The author of the post received a hefty check for Christmas from her parents as a gift
Image credits: Money Knack (not the actual photo)
The very next day the woman’s dad started asking her to deposit this check as soon as possible
Image credits: Destama
The author promised to deposit it – but forgot it completely, and it all repeated the next day as well
Image credits: Sơn Ngọc (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Destama
Finally the dad snapped at the daughter and berated her in a wrathful text
Image credits: JESHOOTS.com (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Destama
The woman ended up depositing the check but got very confused and couldn’t figure out who was right or wrong here
So, the Original Poster (OP) is 29 years old, and this Christmas she was incredibly happy to receive a very generous check from her parents. The author does not specify exactly how much money she was given, but says that it was a four-digit sum. Well, the woman was grateful – especially since she did not expect such generosity from her parents at all.
The strange things began the day after Christmas. The dad approached the author several times that day, reminding her not to forget to deposit the check. The daughter promised to do this as quickly as possible through her banking app, but in the bustle of various things, she forgot about it. The situation repeated itself the next day, when the OP returned from work, and the father demanded that she deposit it.
Another oath followed – and, of course, the author of the post forgot about everything again. The next day, her mom texted her an angry message that she had upset and let down her father, who was counting on her to deposit her check. The original poster was in shock to read this at her work, and decided to write to her dad herself.
It’s not that her father is usually a bad or aggressive person, the OP notes, but he sometimes has bouts of bad mood – and then nothing good can be expected. The daughter tried to explain to her dad that she did not want to upset or offend him, and that she believed it was no longer appropriate for her to accept this check.
The result was another aggressive response from dad – he wrote that if he asks his daughter to do something, then he has the right to expect her to do it. And that in any case, he wants her to deposit this hapless check today – or he will turn off her internet. The father said he had his own reasons for wanting the check to be cashed and his wishes should be respected. After all, as the man argued, this is not such a difficult request.
Well, the original poster deposited her check that same day, but admits that she was really confused, and that this incident will definitely affect her future relationship with her father. In addition, the woman does not understand who was more to blame for this particular situation.
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Well, the opinions of people in the comments were, as is often the case, divided, though most of the commenters admit that the OP’s father probably did have financial reasons to expect her to deposit her check before the end of the year, and he just wanted to avoid any problems or financial losses in his bank.
In the end, as some commenters are pretty sure, this is indeed a very simple matter – especially if you use the bank’s mobile application. Some of the commenters even confessed that they have ADHD and could understand such forgetfulness, but the author’s father specifically reminded her several times to do this.
Of course, as some people say in the comments, the man is definitely overreacting here, but his daughter should have just taken a couple of minutes to fulfill her father’s quite simple request, which he reminded her so many times. “It’s just good manners to deposit or cash it as soon as possible, unless told otherwise,” some of the folks in the comments wrote.
Well, today, banking applications allow you to deposit literally any check in almost a few finger movements, so you can understand the OP’s dad’s indignation. On the other hand, you shouldn’t go too far in any outrage, right? So what do you, our dear readers, think about all this?
Most people in the comments, admitting that the dad overreacted, nevertheless criticized the woman for being overly forgetful
I'm expecting a million downvotes for this, but NTA. It's only been a couple days since Christmas, and Dad's reaction is way over the top. He literally started hounding her over it on Dec 26. Once a gift is given, what the recipient does with it is strictly up to them, and that includes waiting a few days before depositing a check (or never depositing it at all). Telling a 29-year-old "When I tell you to do something I expect you to do it" and that her failure to do so "has damaged our relationship"? Seriously?? This isn't about respect, or year end taxes, or whatever. It's a power trip, nothing more.
Yeah, it's unfortunate they live in the same house, because after an unreasonable blowup like this, I'd be suggesting low-contact. Ouch. I don't know which is worse, the dad's over-the-top emotional response or all the people on reddit voting yta....
Load More Replies...NTA, crazy how so many think attacking your relationship with your child over money is appropriate. She straight up said my relationship with you is more important to me than money, dad. And he was like, well money is more important to me, daughter.
I think most people don't think a whole relationship will be blown over one angry conversation. Holy cow. I went no contact after my mother told me being sexually assaulted was fun and she knows because she talked to my rapist and he told her exactly what happened and it was fun. People on here suggest no contact, low contact for every disagreement. He's not attacking his relationship with his daughter. He's telling her to deposit the damned check.
Load More Replies...Everyone in this story sucks, but it all could have been avoided if she just did the mobile deposit the first time he asked. He overreacted big time and maybe should have explained whatever the situation was so she would understand why it was important. If this is how he behaves every time he tells her to do something, it makes sense she wouldn't understand why. "Do what I say because I said it," is not a way to teach kids to be responsible. I'm sure a lot of things are being left out since this is only one side of the story though.
She's not a kid - she's 29 yo and doesn't need to do whatever he tells her to do just because he said so. If this is a condition of the living arrangement, then it is best she move on. If Dad has a legitimate reason for wanting the check deposited immediately (sorry, but a number of illegal reasons come to mind), he could speak to her in the same manner she spoke to him - with respect. She should run to the bank with that check and use the funds to find another place to live.
Load More Replies...I’m on the fence with this one. Why was it so important for that check to be cashed immediately? I know parents can gift their children x amount of money per year without tax consequences. Was this the reason? Or, does he suffer from OCD and can’t stand having a loose end? Was he trying to hide money or something? His reaction is a bit suspect to me. Why couldn’t he just explain to her his reasons other than to tell he ‘she will do as she’s told” or he’ll cut off her internet like she’s a wayward teenager. But, OP is 29 and living with her parents. I believe there’s more to this story than OP is letting on. I’d take that check and find my own place as fast as I could.
The money has to get out of the account...either the money is illegal or it has to come out to be able to perform an illegal act. It's all very fishy and i wouldn't casb that check untill dad answers some questions
Load More Replies...I suspect many who consider this woman to be in the wrong have never experienced parental emotional abuse and have no understanding of its impact. Money is often a tool of control for parents. A gift - whether it is actual money or something purchased - should be given with no strings attached. In this case, the father attached strings of control and judgment. His anger is so far over the top that I suspect he has anger issues that erupt under other circumstances. I also suspect he sees money as a tool for maintaining control. The author states that he has a history of exploding over small issues and has, in the past, exploded over nothing. This points to someone with little or no self-control over anger. The gift should have represented love and kindness but instead represents the need to control and then belittle. Had she deposited the check immediately there would most likely be something else that made the father angry. Perhaps how she uses the gift.
This. Also, if he needed the money out of his account, why didn't he just give her cash? Something is up with him. This is not right.
Load More Replies...I'd go with ESH (everyone sucks here). OP should have deposited the check when asked given that it was such a simple task, but I think the dad's reaction is overly dramatic and personal. Especially given that it was only a matter of days and he didn't specify why depositing the check promptly was so important. That said, I think the dad's behavior is worse.
After reading this, the first thing that came to mind was, "Something smells fishy here!" As much as I agree with "my reasons are my own", but pestering my adult child and getting angry and saying something along the lines of "the relationship is damaged because of this" is just weird. We lack some background information, e.g., family dynamics, to determine what's happening. The reactions on both ends are just odd.
yeeeah, she's 29, she should be responsible enough by now to do something, sounds like a pattern with her. Though the dad demanding her to do what he says at that age is yikes.
NTA. If it was that important to clear the account, give her cash or a pre-paid debit card. Otherwise let the person you gave a gift to handle their lives in their own time. His controlling nature and threats are completely uncalled for and his "do as I say' attitude is unacceptable for a minor let alone a 29 year old. Dude needs to get a grip.
NTA. It's a gift to do with as you wish. I'd take the money from that check and move out. Daddy and Mommy are trying to control you and you're what, 29? Time to leave.
The only way I can understand dad's response, that the relationship is damaged, is if this is the last straw in a pattern of ridiculously (it is ridic - use the app in stead of taking lunch break to craft a pity-me text) inconsiderate behavior.
Unfortunately, the other possibility is that the father has really serious anger problems / is emotionally abusive.
Load More Replies...He just wants it deducted from his account before the 31st for tax reasons. Happens a lot in Switzerland because we have a wealth tax...
He could have just told her that instead of being an a$$ about it.
Load More Replies...I completely agree that she's TA. I agree that her dads reaction seems over the top but we don't know if he has any diagnosed mental health conditions such as anxiety which can promote this sort of response unwillingly. The daughter probably knows this, has purposely not told us in her rendition of events and therefore has painted her dad out to be nasty when in fact I think he's just hit his last nerve trying to do something nice for the OP and she's once again proven she's a liability, unreliable and in thus case ungrateful. For such a large amount and a cheque is given, I have anxiety and I too would like to think it's deposited ASAP so it doesn't have the chance to get lost. I can then also check it off my balance. Whilst I perhaps wouldn't have wanted to react so harshly, anxiety and mental health is beyond our control at times of fear or neglect.
Mental health isn't beyond our control and doesn't give people a free pass to be an a*****e. I say this as someone with multiple mental health issues
Load More Replies...yup yta. Reasons: - large amount, what if the check goes missing / is stolen? - taxes / end of year - other financial things - From reading the comments, you can do it through banking app, that takes a few minutes at least, so WHY NOT DO IT? Yes you are ungrateful if you leave a big gift like that just lying around, it's like you don't care. "Oh that expensive new phone? yeah it's still in the box on the porch, i'll take it inside tomorrow or the day after". I don't know if you can revoke a check (they haven't been used for 20ish years here I think, maybe longer) but dad could have spent it on something else instead too.
The dad's emotional response was over the top. Not depositing a check for a couple of days is an accident and does not merit this kind of over horrible attack from OP's father. The father has a serious anger problem here, and my suggestion would be for OP to try to lower their contact with dad.
Load More Replies...ESH. She's 29, not a child, and should be able to handle depositing the check using her mobile app in less than 2 minutes. He's an a*s for treating her like a child instead of simply explaining why he needs the money accounted for in his ledger right away.
I had checks that I didn't deposit via mobile app the minutes they arrived. But yes, eventually like within a couple of days they do. That doesn't make me irresponsible or lazy.
Load More Replies...If I received a hefty check, it would be deposited before the ink on my signature even dried! But I need the money; I guess she doesn't need it.
I might not. But, if the person who gave it to me told me it was really important that I did, I would for sure do it.
Load More Replies...Someone: forgets to do something important in the long term during a period of a lot of work and stress preparing, cooking, and other responsibilities. People: Your an a*****e and obviously don't care about that important thing. Its the holiday season. People are still busy planning things. Also not everyone gets the luxury of not working during this season. There's a lot of context missing but there's no reason to assume they are not genuinely busy and just forgetting to get around to it. Just yesterday our entire household spent the whole day doing a major clean up of the house AND cooking a large meal for guests. This isnt exactly a relaxing time. Now if it's been a week? Sure okay. But a couple of days??? Good grief People.
He shouldn’t have had to ask you twice, let alone multiple times.
He should have shown patience and let his adult daughter be his adult daughter rather than be an insane control freak. If getting the money out of his account was that important, he had other means of giving her the money that didn't require depending on her.
Load More Replies...If you are so hard up that you have to live with your parents, WHY would you not deposit the cheque right away!?! You're not an AH. You're an idiot. Happy New Year from someone who worked in Accounting for 40+ years. And yes I'm an out of touch old lady who would have deposited the cheque before I went to sleep.
Hard NTA here, ONLY because it sounds like Dad has control issues & treats ADULT child like a kid. I seriously doubt it's about the check itself. Toxic parents refuse to relinquish control of even adult kids. And he said it damaged their relationship? JFC....
I used to write checks. I simply counted the money gone when I wrote it. There is missing information on both sides of this issue. I have no idea who's in the wrong. While it may or may not have been her business why he needed it cashed right away, I would need to know in order to give a reasonable response. If it was simply some unreasonable "need" on his part, he is ta. If there was some logical reason, okay, he didn't HAVE to tell her, but why not explain? If she had known that it was important, she might have made it more of a priority and the whole thing would have been a non-issue. There is much more to this than we know, too much to decide who is to blame. I suspect they are equally to blame.
I'm a little confused by the father's reaction. It seems an overaction to me, especially when it had only been a few days and during a holiday period too. But mostly I'm just a bit confused because if he is able to deposit the cheque into her account on his own, and clearly wanted the cheque deposited quickly, then why didn't he just do that to begin with?
Sorry if that's a stupid question, but in my country checks are very uncommon. If the parents wanted to give money for Christmas, why didn't they transfer it to her bank account or even handed her cash?
First, your parents are doing a significant sacrifice by giving you a large sum. You make it look that you don't care and treat it as something casual and forgettable. Second, some people are bot very good keeping tabs of their checking accounts. Your father fears that if you don't cash or deposit this money, he will issue more payments and your check will bounce.
Then her father doesn't know how to use a checking account. The money is gone when you write the check, not when the recipient cashes it. Period. Doing it any other way and you bounce checks.
Load More Replies...ESH the dad was being a bit of a d**k w/ the way he handled it. Younger ppl don't understand how checks work. They don't have a lot of experience w/ them. I know I wouldn't have known this if I wasn't 30 & known what it's like when someone doesn't deposit a check you wrote & you think they did & then next you know you're charged $50 for an overdraft fee or the check bounced & the person trying to cash the check gets fined. But also OP should have deposited the check. They said themselves they can just do it right over their phone. They didn't even have to leave the house. I have ADHD. I'm a forgetful mess. So I am empathetic. However, being asked like 4x to do something as an adult & still not doing it when you can do it on your phone? That's a bit crazy. So everyone sucks here.
Writing a check that bounces is on the check writer. The check register that comes with the checks would prevent this from happening because you would keep track of all checks you've written and subtract that amount from your balance, rather than counting on the balance you see online.
Load More Replies...I don't understand how anyone can defend her behavior. This girl has been given a gift of a decent amount of money. The gift does come with a string attached, that is to say she must claim it asap. That is it. The whole amount of effort she has to put in is to deposit a check. Assuming she falls on the incompetent side of life, this task should still take less than 5 minutes. So 5 minutes or less for thousands of dollars that she was gifted. But she "forgets". Not once, not twice, but for days. That tells me she is an entitled AH. How long would it take her to save $1,000 if she were working? I was hoping that her dad would have cancelled the check and sent it to someone more appreciative. In my mind, she didn't "forget". She was flexing for the sole purpose that she could. The moment she got reminded she could have taken care of it and there wouldn't be an issue. I think she owes her dad an apology. And, imo, she really deserved to have that gift revoked.
Her behavior? Being forgetful and preoccupied happens. The notion that she be on top of everything is foolish. No, she wasn't flexing. People forget. People forget important things. Even multiple times. There's an entire damn medical field devoted to it. Her actions were an inconvenience. There's a need on her end to apologize but it doesn't reach the point of AHeroly. It's just an annoyance. His behavior is so over the top and unacceptable that it makes anything she did her pale in comparison.
Load More Replies...Can't see why she didn't just cash it online when they talked about it, then and there. But also can't understand Dad going off like that. Tbh, I don't think checks are much used in the UK a lot, I can't even remember when I used one the last time, so maybe there's a reason why it needs to be cashed immediately (or before the end of the year?) But then, why doesn't Dad simply tells her?
Lots of interesting ways of looking at this situation! I wonder how long the daughter has been living in her parents' home, why she is living there, how she functions in the world. It's possible that this incident is just the tip of the iceberg. I don't know how old her father is but it seems that he is set in his ways and that, whatever the reason (anxiety?) he was upset by the delay. Maybe she would consider apologizing for upsetting her father and asking why her delay on depositing the check was such a problem to him (or them?).
If it were me, I would have deposited (or cashed) the check the next day without being asked to. That's just the way I am when it comes to checks in general. However, if I were really in the daughter's place, I would hand the check back to the father along with a deposit slip.
YTA, living at home at 29, mooching off parents, and you can't even be bothered to deposit a large check from your parents, who already seem to support you. Your dad's "overreaction" could stem from a little resentment from having a near 30yo still living at home..i mean how many people get to live like that? How many people do you know who have parents desperately trying to put cash into their adult kids bank account when they still live at home? Odds are your dad doesn't want an uncashed check just laying around, also it messes with his check balancing...it doesn't take that long to deposit a check on an app.. even us 50yo+ people can manage it.. if you don't want it then tell him to stop trying to give you money..
Mooching? Maybe she does pay rent. do you now that for sure? We don't know the amount of the money given but it sounds like it was in the 4 figures. Why the old man was so angry when a check is good for 6 months or 90 days is beyond me.
Load More Replies...She’s 29 still living with her parents who give her lots of money as a gift and she is upset that her dad has his reasons to first ask her nicely to deposit the check and only gets angry after she keeps brushing him off and telling him she’ll do it but not actually doing it. Sorry but she’s just being unnecessarily difficult. If it was the case of her needing to travel to the bank between working and the holidays then fair enough but she spent more time on the phone texting her parents than she’d have spent depositing that check via the app.
I wonder if more context would add perspective, for example, in a conservative country where girls cannot be fully independent, fathers may find it more normal to order their grown-up daughter about than, say, in the US.
There are a lot of tangible reasons why the check should be deposited but one not mentioned is an emotional one. As minor, and maybe unreasonable, as it is, if I gave someone a substantial gift that genuinely and immediately helped them out in life and then they did nothing with it, I'd probably feel like it was unappreciated it. Or at least underappreciated. I don't think it's unreasonable to think that if you gave someone a large check that they'd be excited enough to deposit it right away. That not doing so may imply that they didn't really need or maybe care that much about receiving that money...? OP and their dad sound exactly like me and my dad so, if anything, you'd think I'd be on OP's side but I think the dad (who probably overreacted a bit but without knowing how OP is we don't know) is NTA and OP is slight YTA.
So his solution to having his feelings hurt unintentionally is to.... hurt his daughter's feelings intentionally? Yeah, she should have deposited the check. But his reaction was cruel.
Load More Replies...Dad is suspicious. This is not "stress from having a check that big not being cashed" this is something else like were trying to get rid of the money for bad reasons kind of deal.... And she's 29, even if she lives with you she doesn't have to do anything you say.... especially when you insist on something stupid for mysterioys reasons you won't tell.... If you feel you can yell at me for not doing something you should tell me why the heck you think me doing as you say is so important. You put our relationship on the line at least tell me why
ESH, she's still living with them at 29, she's an adult and should behave like one. It's 30 seconds, she could have done that right there and then. He's annoyed and acting like a child himself.
Why didnt he just transfer the money to her? Why a check? (noone had checks in Sweden for many years so not sure about their function)
I'm trying to understand why everyone voted YTA. There's something very suspicious about this whole thing. Why is it so urgent that she deposited the check immediately, and why did he blow up so badly when she didn't and offered to return it instead?
What is his hangup? I have never had someone hound me about a gift cheque.
Years ago before internet, my dad was the same way. If he sent a check, he wanted it deposited before the end of the month so his statement would match his checkbook. Which is ridiculous. If he sent me a check for $20 and his checkbook and statement differ by $20 it's easy to see which check is outstanding. In the US a 4 digit sum isn’t going to pay you enough interest to report to the IRS at the end of the year so I don’t think her dad is concerned about taxes. IMO her dad is just too lazy to balance a checkbook. If so, the bank may do it for you. For a fee, of course!
NTA. Alike to a YTA comment, I also have ADHD. Mine is much more severe where I can only remember so little and do so much. The OP hasnt got the check for that long and her dad immediately flips out over it. A check not being deposited isnt ‘ruining a relationship’. Sure it can be annoying when someone asks for something and they don’t do it, but OP specifically made it clear it wasn’t intentional and that they had just forgot. Dad is dramatic, OP doesnt need to worry about it as long as its in a safe place.
I'm expecting a million downvotes for this, but NTA. It's only been a couple days since Christmas, and Dad's reaction is way over the top. He literally started hounding her over it on Dec 26. Once a gift is given, what the recipient does with it is strictly up to them, and that includes waiting a few days before depositing a check (or never depositing it at all). Telling a 29-year-old "When I tell you to do something I expect you to do it" and that her failure to do so "has damaged our relationship"? Seriously?? This isn't about respect, or year end taxes, or whatever. It's a power trip, nothing more.
Yeah, it's unfortunate they live in the same house, because after an unreasonable blowup like this, I'd be suggesting low-contact. Ouch. I don't know which is worse, the dad's over-the-top emotional response or all the people on reddit voting yta....
Load More Replies...NTA, crazy how so many think attacking your relationship with your child over money is appropriate. She straight up said my relationship with you is more important to me than money, dad. And he was like, well money is more important to me, daughter.
I think most people don't think a whole relationship will be blown over one angry conversation. Holy cow. I went no contact after my mother told me being sexually assaulted was fun and she knows because she talked to my rapist and he told her exactly what happened and it was fun. People on here suggest no contact, low contact for every disagreement. He's not attacking his relationship with his daughter. He's telling her to deposit the damned check.
Load More Replies...Everyone in this story sucks, but it all could have been avoided if she just did the mobile deposit the first time he asked. He overreacted big time and maybe should have explained whatever the situation was so she would understand why it was important. If this is how he behaves every time he tells her to do something, it makes sense she wouldn't understand why. "Do what I say because I said it," is not a way to teach kids to be responsible. I'm sure a lot of things are being left out since this is only one side of the story though.
She's not a kid - she's 29 yo and doesn't need to do whatever he tells her to do just because he said so. If this is a condition of the living arrangement, then it is best she move on. If Dad has a legitimate reason for wanting the check deposited immediately (sorry, but a number of illegal reasons come to mind), he could speak to her in the same manner she spoke to him - with respect. She should run to the bank with that check and use the funds to find another place to live.
Load More Replies...I’m on the fence with this one. Why was it so important for that check to be cashed immediately? I know parents can gift their children x amount of money per year without tax consequences. Was this the reason? Or, does he suffer from OCD and can’t stand having a loose end? Was he trying to hide money or something? His reaction is a bit suspect to me. Why couldn’t he just explain to her his reasons other than to tell he ‘she will do as she’s told” or he’ll cut off her internet like she’s a wayward teenager. But, OP is 29 and living with her parents. I believe there’s more to this story than OP is letting on. I’d take that check and find my own place as fast as I could.
The money has to get out of the account...either the money is illegal or it has to come out to be able to perform an illegal act. It's all very fishy and i wouldn't casb that check untill dad answers some questions
Load More Replies...I suspect many who consider this woman to be in the wrong have never experienced parental emotional abuse and have no understanding of its impact. Money is often a tool of control for parents. A gift - whether it is actual money or something purchased - should be given with no strings attached. In this case, the father attached strings of control and judgment. His anger is so far over the top that I suspect he has anger issues that erupt under other circumstances. I also suspect he sees money as a tool for maintaining control. The author states that he has a history of exploding over small issues and has, in the past, exploded over nothing. This points to someone with little or no self-control over anger. The gift should have represented love and kindness but instead represents the need to control and then belittle. Had she deposited the check immediately there would most likely be something else that made the father angry. Perhaps how she uses the gift.
This. Also, if he needed the money out of his account, why didn't he just give her cash? Something is up with him. This is not right.
Load More Replies...I'd go with ESH (everyone sucks here). OP should have deposited the check when asked given that it was such a simple task, but I think the dad's reaction is overly dramatic and personal. Especially given that it was only a matter of days and he didn't specify why depositing the check promptly was so important. That said, I think the dad's behavior is worse.
After reading this, the first thing that came to mind was, "Something smells fishy here!" As much as I agree with "my reasons are my own", but pestering my adult child and getting angry and saying something along the lines of "the relationship is damaged because of this" is just weird. We lack some background information, e.g., family dynamics, to determine what's happening. The reactions on both ends are just odd.
yeeeah, she's 29, she should be responsible enough by now to do something, sounds like a pattern with her. Though the dad demanding her to do what he says at that age is yikes.
NTA. If it was that important to clear the account, give her cash or a pre-paid debit card. Otherwise let the person you gave a gift to handle their lives in their own time. His controlling nature and threats are completely uncalled for and his "do as I say' attitude is unacceptable for a minor let alone a 29 year old. Dude needs to get a grip.
NTA. It's a gift to do with as you wish. I'd take the money from that check and move out. Daddy and Mommy are trying to control you and you're what, 29? Time to leave.
The only way I can understand dad's response, that the relationship is damaged, is if this is the last straw in a pattern of ridiculously (it is ridic - use the app in stead of taking lunch break to craft a pity-me text) inconsiderate behavior.
Unfortunately, the other possibility is that the father has really serious anger problems / is emotionally abusive.
Load More Replies...He just wants it deducted from his account before the 31st for tax reasons. Happens a lot in Switzerland because we have a wealth tax...
He could have just told her that instead of being an a$$ about it.
Load More Replies...I completely agree that she's TA. I agree that her dads reaction seems over the top but we don't know if he has any diagnosed mental health conditions such as anxiety which can promote this sort of response unwillingly. The daughter probably knows this, has purposely not told us in her rendition of events and therefore has painted her dad out to be nasty when in fact I think he's just hit his last nerve trying to do something nice for the OP and she's once again proven she's a liability, unreliable and in thus case ungrateful. For such a large amount and a cheque is given, I have anxiety and I too would like to think it's deposited ASAP so it doesn't have the chance to get lost. I can then also check it off my balance. Whilst I perhaps wouldn't have wanted to react so harshly, anxiety and mental health is beyond our control at times of fear or neglect.
Mental health isn't beyond our control and doesn't give people a free pass to be an a*****e. I say this as someone with multiple mental health issues
Load More Replies...yup yta. Reasons: - large amount, what if the check goes missing / is stolen? - taxes / end of year - other financial things - From reading the comments, you can do it through banking app, that takes a few minutes at least, so WHY NOT DO IT? Yes you are ungrateful if you leave a big gift like that just lying around, it's like you don't care. "Oh that expensive new phone? yeah it's still in the box on the porch, i'll take it inside tomorrow or the day after". I don't know if you can revoke a check (they haven't been used for 20ish years here I think, maybe longer) but dad could have spent it on something else instead too.
The dad's emotional response was over the top. Not depositing a check for a couple of days is an accident and does not merit this kind of over horrible attack from OP's father. The father has a serious anger problem here, and my suggestion would be for OP to try to lower their contact with dad.
Load More Replies...ESH. She's 29, not a child, and should be able to handle depositing the check using her mobile app in less than 2 minutes. He's an a*s for treating her like a child instead of simply explaining why he needs the money accounted for in his ledger right away.
I had checks that I didn't deposit via mobile app the minutes they arrived. But yes, eventually like within a couple of days they do. That doesn't make me irresponsible or lazy.
Load More Replies...If I received a hefty check, it would be deposited before the ink on my signature even dried! But I need the money; I guess she doesn't need it.
I might not. But, if the person who gave it to me told me it was really important that I did, I would for sure do it.
Load More Replies...Someone: forgets to do something important in the long term during a period of a lot of work and stress preparing, cooking, and other responsibilities. People: Your an a*****e and obviously don't care about that important thing. Its the holiday season. People are still busy planning things. Also not everyone gets the luxury of not working during this season. There's a lot of context missing but there's no reason to assume they are not genuinely busy and just forgetting to get around to it. Just yesterday our entire household spent the whole day doing a major clean up of the house AND cooking a large meal for guests. This isnt exactly a relaxing time. Now if it's been a week? Sure okay. But a couple of days??? Good grief People.
He shouldn’t have had to ask you twice, let alone multiple times.
He should have shown patience and let his adult daughter be his adult daughter rather than be an insane control freak. If getting the money out of his account was that important, he had other means of giving her the money that didn't require depending on her.
Load More Replies...If you are so hard up that you have to live with your parents, WHY would you not deposit the cheque right away!?! You're not an AH. You're an idiot. Happy New Year from someone who worked in Accounting for 40+ years. And yes I'm an out of touch old lady who would have deposited the cheque before I went to sleep.
Hard NTA here, ONLY because it sounds like Dad has control issues & treats ADULT child like a kid. I seriously doubt it's about the check itself. Toxic parents refuse to relinquish control of even adult kids. And he said it damaged their relationship? JFC....
I used to write checks. I simply counted the money gone when I wrote it. There is missing information on both sides of this issue. I have no idea who's in the wrong. While it may or may not have been her business why he needed it cashed right away, I would need to know in order to give a reasonable response. If it was simply some unreasonable "need" on his part, he is ta. If there was some logical reason, okay, he didn't HAVE to tell her, but why not explain? If she had known that it was important, she might have made it more of a priority and the whole thing would have been a non-issue. There is much more to this than we know, too much to decide who is to blame. I suspect they are equally to blame.
I'm a little confused by the father's reaction. It seems an overaction to me, especially when it had only been a few days and during a holiday period too. But mostly I'm just a bit confused because if he is able to deposit the cheque into her account on his own, and clearly wanted the cheque deposited quickly, then why didn't he just do that to begin with?
Sorry if that's a stupid question, but in my country checks are very uncommon. If the parents wanted to give money for Christmas, why didn't they transfer it to her bank account or even handed her cash?
First, your parents are doing a significant sacrifice by giving you a large sum. You make it look that you don't care and treat it as something casual and forgettable. Second, some people are bot very good keeping tabs of their checking accounts. Your father fears that if you don't cash or deposit this money, he will issue more payments and your check will bounce.
Then her father doesn't know how to use a checking account. The money is gone when you write the check, not when the recipient cashes it. Period. Doing it any other way and you bounce checks.
Load More Replies...ESH the dad was being a bit of a d**k w/ the way he handled it. Younger ppl don't understand how checks work. They don't have a lot of experience w/ them. I know I wouldn't have known this if I wasn't 30 & known what it's like when someone doesn't deposit a check you wrote & you think they did & then next you know you're charged $50 for an overdraft fee or the check bounced & the person trying to cash the check gets fined. But also OP should have deposited the check. They said themselves they can just do it right over their phone. They didn't even have to leave the house. I have ADHD. I'm a forgetful mess. So I am empathetic. However, being asked like 4x to do something as an adult & still not doing it when you can do it on your phone? That's a bit crazy. So everyone sucks here.
Writing a check that bounces is on the check writer. The check register that comes with the checks would prevent this from happening because you would keep track of all checks you've written and subtract that amount from your balance, rather than counting on the balance you see online.
Load More Replies...I don't understand how anyone can defend her behavior. This girl has been given a gift of a decent amount of money. The gift does come with a string attached, that is to say she must claim it asap. That is it. The whole amount of effort she has to put in is to deposit a check. Assuming she falls on the incompetent side of life, this task should still take less than 5 minutes. So 5 minutes or less for thousands of dollars that she was gifted. But she "forgets". Not once, not twice, but for days. That tells me she is an entitled AH. How long would it take her to save $1,000 if she were working? I was hoping that her dad would have cancelled the check and sent it to someone more appreciative. In my mind, she didn't "forget". She was flexing for the sole purpose that she could. The moment she got reminded she could have taken care of it and there wouldn't be an issue. I think she owes her dad an apology. And, imo, she really deserved to have that gift revoked.
Her behavior? Being forgetful and preoccupied happens. The notion that she be on top of everything is foolish. No, she wasn't flexing. People forget. People forget important things. Even multiple times. There's an entire damn medical field devoted to it. Her actions were an inconvenience. There's a need on her end to apologize but it doesn't reach the point of AHeroly. It's just an annoyance. His behavior is so over the top and unacceptable that it makes anything she did her pale in comparison.
Load More Replies...Can't see why she didn't just cash it online when they talked about it, then and there. But also can't understand Dad going off like that. Tbh, I don't think checks are much used in the UK a lot, I can't even remember when I used one the last time, so maybe there's a reason why it needs to be cashed immediately (or before the end of the year?) But then, why doesn't Dad simply tells her?
Lots of interesting ways of looking at this situation! I wonder how long the daughter has been living in her parents' home, why she is living there, how she functions in the world. It's possible that this incident is just the tip of the iceberg. I don't know how old her father is but it seems that he is set in his ways and that, whatever the reason (anxiety?) he was upset by the delay. Maybe she would consider apologizing for upsetting her father and asking why her delay on depositing the check was such a problem to him (or them?).
If it were me, I would have deposited (or cashed) the check the next day without being asked to. That's just the way I am when it comes to checks in general. However, if I were really in the daughter's place, I would hand the check back to the father along with a deposit slip.
YTA, living at home at 29, mooching off parents, and you can't even be bothered to deposit a large check from your parents, who already seem to support you. Your dad's "overreaction" could stem from a little resentment from having a near 30yo still living at home..i mean how many people get to live like that? How many people do you know who have parents desperately trying to put cash into their adult kids bank account when they still live at home? Odds are your dad doesn't want an uncashed check just laying around, also it messes with his check balancing...it doesn't take that long to deposit a check on an app.. even us 50yo+ people can manage it.. if you don't want it then tell him to stop trying to give you money..
Mooching? Maybe she does pay rent. do you now that for sure? We don't know the amount of the money given but it sounds like it was in the 4 figures. Why the old man was so angry when a check is good for 6 months or 90 days is beyond me.
Load More Replies...She’s 29 still living with her parents who give her lots of money as a gift and she is upset that her dad has his reasons to first ask her nicely to deposit the check and only gets angry after she keeps brushing him off and telling him she’ll do it but not actually doing it. Sorry but she’s just being unnecessarily difficult. If it was the case of her needing to travel to the bank between working and the holidays then fair enough but she spent more time on the phone texting her parents than she’d have spent depositing that check via the app.
I wonder if more context would add perspective, for example, in a conservative country where girls cannot be fully independent, fathers may find it more normal to order their grown-up daughter about than, say, in the US.
There are a lot of tangible reasons why the check should be deposited but one not mentioned is an emotional one. As minor, and maybe unreasonable, as it is, if I gave someone a substantial gift that genuinely and immediately helped them out in life and then they did nothing with it, I'd probably feel like it was unappreciated it. Or at least underappreciated. I don't think it's unreasonable to think that if you gave someone a large check that they'd be excited enough to deposit it right away. That not doing so may imply that they didn't really need or maybe care that much about receiving that money...? OP and their dad sound exactly like me and my dad so, if anything, you'd think I'd be on OP's side but I think the dad (who probably overreacted a bit but without knowing how OP is we don't know) is NTA and OP is slight YTA.
So his solution to having his feelings hurt unintentionally is to.... hurt his daughter's feelings intentionally? Yeah, she should have deposited the check. But his reaction was cruel.
Load More Replies...Dad is suspicious. This is not "stress from having a check that big not being cashed" this is something else like were trying to get rid of the money for bad reasons kind of deal.... And she's 29, even if she lives with you she doesn't have to do anything you say.... especially when you insist on something stupid for mysterioys reasons you won't tell.... If you feel you can yell at me for not doing something you should tell me why the heck you think me doing as you say is so important. You put our relationship on the line at least tell me why
ESH, she's still living with them at 29, she's an adult and should behave like one. It's 30 seconds, she could have done that right there and then. He's annoyed and acting like a child himself.
Why didnt he just transfer the money to her? Why a check? (noone had checks in Sweden for many years so not sure about their function)
I'm trying to understand why everyone voted YTA. There's something very suspicious about this whole thing. Why is it so urgent that she deposited the check immediately, and why did he blow up so badly when she didn't and offered to return it instead?
What is his hangup? I have never had someone hound me about a gift cheque.
Years ago before internet, my dad was the same way. If he sent a check, he wanted it deposited before the end of the month so his statement would match his checkbook. Which is ridiculous. If he sent me a check for $20 and his checkbook and statement differ by $20 it's easy to see which check is outstanding. In the US a 4 digit sum isn’t going to pay you enough interest to report to the IRS at the end of the year so I don’t think her dad is concerned about taxes. IMO her dad is just too lazy to balance a checkbook. If so, the bank may do it for you. For a fee, of course!
NTA. Alike to a YTA comment, I also have ADHD. Mine is much more severe where I can only remember so little and do so much. The OP hasnt got the check for that long and her dad immediately flips out over it. A check not being deposited isnt ‘ruining a relationship’. Sure it can be annoying when someone asks for something and they don’t do it, but OP specifically made it clear it wasn’t intentional and that they had just forgot. Dad is dramatic, OP doesnt need to worry about it as long as its in a safe place.
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