“Never Doing That Again”: 49 People Share How Their Spouse’s Job Tore Their Relationship Apart
Interview With ExpertMarriage requires a lot of hard work, which typically involves patience, understanding, and communication. However, the relationship can become more complicated if one spouse holds a job with a reputation for tearing couples apart.
These alleged homewrecking professions were the topic of conversation in a recent Reddit thread. Responses came pouring in, mentioning occupations like police officers, lawyers, flight attendants, musicians, and influencers, to name a few.
If your better half holds one of these jobs and you’ve been through a rocky marriage, we’d like to hear your insights in the comments!
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Politicians
They'll swindle a whole nation to get their way, they WILL swindle you.
The four p’s. Policeman, paramedics, physicians and firefighters. It’s an old joke.
That’s true!!! Always been warned by my army veteran brother to NEVER date an army man 😂.. then my dumb a**e meets a nice guy.. he’s in the army.. he’s not that nice— SURPRISSEEEEEEE!!!!!
Load More Replies...Add ARMY/MILITARY to this!! My brother joined the army 25ish years ago and when he came home on break on his first year he was drunk but he sat me down and made me PROMISE to NEVER date an ARMY guy.. he just said —They’re BAD guys, DON’T do it!! Promise me.—. So I did, and avoided dating them…. Fast forwarded nearly 25 years, I meet a seemingly nice guy at the shops, we hit it off, things are going well/- BAM! FORMER ARMY GUY!!!! Things turn to SHÍT! He’s STILL treating me like I’m a second choice and I’m still putting up with it cause ... to be honest, at this point, I’m not even invested emotionally, just seeing how far he’ll take the lies,… but hey, happy 1 year to us tomorrow! Which only my parents know about. But I know he’s not told his family, but I’ll be telling them tomorrow 🍾 thanks to Facebook 🥳 !!
Yep. Cops are encouraged to lie to the public for various and sundry "investigations" and everyone is a past, current, or future felon in their eyes. God know who else they lie to: family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances... The list is endless on the thin blue line.
My understanding is that women married to police officers have a higher mortality rate than police officers themselves.
Yeah it's a bad idea to mix near daily mental trauma, untreated PTSD, and high stress work environment with potential for multiple concussions. It's a terrible stew of blended physical and mental trauma which results in some seriously increased likelihood of domestic violence and substance use issues
Mortality rates for police are not nearly as high as are touted. Across the USA, the number of police officers who die in line of duty because of an attack by another human being is fewer than 50. Most of the deaths are either preventable accidents (car accidents, falling, etc) or health issues.
If there’s one commonality among these jobs, it’s the need to be on the go all the time, whether it’s working in the field or being on another continent. In Australia, fly-in, fly-out jobs in the mining and gas industries are a popular example.
But as Crisp Consulting résumé writer Andrew Martin points out, the reality outweighs its seemingly glamorous reputation.
You know who's not on here? Engineers, because we just make things work.
Oddly... I don't think I know of any engineers who get divorced. My brother is a mechanical engineer as are most of his friends and one of my closest friends is a computer engineer...hmm you may have a point
Restaurant/Bar manager/owner. They work everyday, often 12-15 hours, every holiday and weekend. The term "restaurant widow" is a real thing. Alcoholism/[illicit substances] are ever present, there's a high cheat rate and a complete lack of accountability, it's just "part of the job".
The hospitality industry in general. You're at your busiest when everyone else is having fun/time off. Weekends and holidays are a myth in our industry.
Restaurant management too. My ex-husband was the kitchen manager for a local place for a good chunk of our marriage. He got little to no help from the owners and higher management, forcing him to work close 80 hours a week. It was a contributing factor in our divorce. Fortunately for our kids, after we split up, he got the same position at a different place where he not only works ONLY 40 hours, but the salary was significantly higher. We're able to split custody 50/50 because of it.
It's a tough industry to be in. You also have to be able to calmly diffuse a situation where it has the potential to become violent. While it's a tough industry, working in pubs/bars etc? It's a job that once you're trained and are able to do it? It's a job that chances are? There'll be advertising for bar staff somewhere. An open position. One place I worked at? I loved my boss because he put us all forwards for NVQs, training basically, in bar management, cellar management, first aid, kitchen and food safety. That knowledge has come in handy over the years even just living at home.
Just because there are two people in your story that go counter to the statistics does not make this a myth or fiction. The plural of anecdote is not necessarily data. You would have been much better starting your comment by saying, " I have been lucky, because my experience has been different from most."
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Lawyers. Often married to the job, whether it is for the money or a cause.
Definitely do not put two in the same relationship. As an old, adjunct professor told our class one time:
"Folks, as people who are training to be lawyers, let me give you some life advice. A lawyer becomes you or you were always it. Either way, you don't want two people trained to argue in the same confined space for that long, much less being forced to make life decisions together.
There is a perfectly lovely nursing university in the city center, a few miles down the street.".
I'd like to point out that there are many different types of lawyers. The ones who don't go to court or have lengthy trials get a much better work/life balance than a DA or defense attorney. A friend of mine is an environmental lawyer, and she works a typical day with lots of flexibility.
My partner is a sports and media lawyer. He drafts contracts for TV companies to show sporting events. He works from home, sets his own hours (to a degree), and has a ton of flexibility. We're going out for lunch tomorrow on a Tuesday because we can
Load More Replies...I had a discussion about this with my cousin, who is a lawyer and also plays D&D. We concluded that all lawyers are by definition Lawful Evil; they know the law, and follow it, but manipulate it in whatever way is best for their client and/or their pocketbook.
To be a lawyer you have to love arguing right down to the burning ground, whether you're right or wrong.
Martin says apart from being away for weeks at a time, the spouses of these employees are also forced to shoulder the household and family workload. Eventually, it becomes a breaking point, on top of other internal issues.
“Workers feel isolated and struggle with loneliness, leading to mental health issues, and they blow out a lot of their money when they finally get off work,” Martin told Bored Panda.
Cult leaders.
You'll *never* be their favourite spouse.
Yeah, cult anyone. FYI, the Jehovah's Witnesses have been designated a cult in the UK.
I didn't know that about Jehovah's Witnesses in the UK, but that's awesome! I knew a group of people who escaped that cult when they became adults, and their stories about their childhoods were horrifying.
Load More Replies..."Cult leaders" and they're wearing a Deathly Hallows necklace (Also, how did that make it into the stock photo? Aren't those supposed to be as generic as possible?)
Depends what your definition of "worst" is.
Cheating? Bar/restaurant workers or owners.
Domestic violence? Cops (by a country mile).
Lack of financial security? Social workers.
Ego/Emotional detachment? Doctors.
Physical detachment? Truckers/soldiers.
Social workers really aren't as financially insecure as you might think, but it depends on where they work. Government, hospital, and health insurance company jobs pay quite well, while non-profits tend to pay very poorly. It all just depends. My friends and I are all in social work jobs and do very well. You also have to weigh whether or not it's worth it to go into additional debt to get a Master's degree. I didn't, and I make more money at my particular job than a lot of people who do have one.
Yeah but they carry trauma around like it's a backpack...so that is unhelpful
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From my experience dealing with clients... surgeons. The personality type of a surgeon is often a relentless and often sociopathic person with singular interest on one thing (being a good surgeon). They are great at their jobs because of these personality traits but on a personal level they often lack empathy/compassion, reduce everything to clinical and mechanical terms are incredibly cold people and because of their intense competitive streak can be impossible to get along with during any kind of competitive play. When you throw a spouse in the mix and 70-90 hour workweeks you often end up with a toxic stew.
OK I will say this generally holds but there are exceptions. My son's orthopedic surgeon is one of the most compassionate and caring people I have ever met. I was stunned because he is not just a surgeon but the only expert for rare disorder kids in the entire western half of the US. Was expecting mega ego and too busy for little people vibes, but he is so kind and gentle and supportive. It's almost surreal.
I can confidently say that paediatric orthopaedic surgeons are quite different.
Load More Replies...When I was a skimpy I did a topless waitressing job for a bunch of them and it’s the worst job I ever did as far as communication and fun
There's a standard joke in hodpitals: Do you know the difference between a surgeon and a puppy? Puppies usually stop whining when the grow up.
Worked for one 10 years can confirm. Several personalities. We walk on eggshells. He and wife divorced. He then married a nurse at one of hospitals. She came in tried to change how office was run which did not go well. Half his longtime staff left. From what i saw she was a great stepmom tho and seemed to help his emotional issues somewhat. Its a difficult job, to treat chronic diseases and deal with death.
They have to have that distance and yes, sociopathic traits. It's how they are able to deal with their job... I once had to sterilise a needle and thread to stitch my finger and sew together a really bad cut from broken glass before I could get to the ER. I threw up halfway through it! So gosh knows how they manage to do major operations on people but thank gosh they do!
Actually fact lol ,way to many surgeons have a god complex ,arrogant rude entitled etc , personally as long as they are good at their job ,I’m not interested in their personal life ,it’s called personal for a reason !
Emergency medical services workers, such as paramedics, are another profession you may see mentioned frequently on this list. However, the posters didn’t give specific reasons.
Lawyer Mike Kruse provided insight into why this is, noting that 12-hour shifts can last up to 16 months and be grueling for family members. Then, there’s the need to leave or cancel family events to report for work.
Never, ever marry a rock musician. I wouldn't recommend dating one, either. I spent 17 years on that ride (if you count dating musicians, then meeting and marrying one) and it was a nightmare. You will always come in second to a guitar or a gig (or drink or [substances]). Obviously, your mileage may vary, but for me, it was an exercise in futility.
Police hands down, the DV rates are actually terrifying.
It's the concussions and PTSD that go untreated which results in serious DV issues
I despise them as a species, basically. I've never met a cop out of uniform that I liked, and I wouldn't even consider a relationship with one. Most of them supposedly say they became a cop to do good, to help people. Funny how they could have picked any of a thousand career choices that help people, but they chose the one where they carry a gun, and have enormous power, including the power to end a life.
I had to look up 'DV rates'. 'Domestic violence'. People, stop using acronyms!
I would say that the majority of police are good, normal people... but all it takes for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing. Until the police can clean up the actions of their own, they have no right to be policing others. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Anything where you’re a trailing spouse in a foreign country. It can sound cool if your spouse goes somewhere cool but it’s also incredibly lonely and isolating, likely you’re moving somewhere where you know nobody but your spouse and they’re working all day (even more isolating with children) and you’re basically left on your own in a foreign country. Even worse if it’s a country you don’t like. The foreign service divorce rates are through the roof.
I read an article a few years back about spouses (almost entirely women) of expat workers who got "left behind". It was very sobering. They are completely at the mercy of their (mostly) husbands, and a number of people were abandoned with no money, no home, and no way to leave - they don't have a visa to be able to work, so have no way to earn money to be able to buy a plane ticket. Just awful.
Hmmm, I knew one of the US cultural attachés and his wife. She and her kids just thrived on that life style in foreign countries. Perhaps because she had a good education, strong family connections with her parents, and was financially secure. She was actually 'put to work' in that she hosted his dinners, socialized and friended the locals and other attachés, and generally was out and about in the society as his eyes and ears. She and her kids were given a good deal of training in how to help him do his job.
“A partner waiting at home suffers from late comings, mood swings, and distance from family life, which is often driven by the suspicion of infidelity or secret relationships,” Kruse said, adding that the “cycle of mistrust” turns into a “trigger point” for worse outcomes like domestic violence.
HR.
They consider themselves experts on human behavior and don't realize that their behavior can be at least part of the problem.
They use their expertise to exploit human resources in corporate processes, just like any other resources, and to get rid of waste products as cheaply as possible.
My mind goes to military - away for long periods at a time, often come back with problems (PTSD etc.).
Some people are cut for the military, some are not. My father was a soldier until retirement and my parents were married for almost 50 years until he passed away. I can not remember him being agressive, depressive or anything else related to ptsd. Sure, sometimes he was away for quite a while but it was never really a problem in my family, my mother knew before who she is getting married to and i grew up like this. US military might be different, they have active conflicts every 10 minutes. It is a difference if you have to go to afghanistan to fight or if you go on conferences in some nice tropical place
My sister married a man who become a career Marine. He was a lawyer. While she had 6 kids, three in diapers, home-schooled the oldest three, and was stationed in Japan, he was deployed to Iraq. He was a lawyer, so didn't see combat (but had his helicopter shot at three times). Yet, he came back with PTSD (more acute than chronic). He worked 16 hour days, 7 days a week. A lot of the time was spent reviewing reports and photos of people blown up by insurgents. He was a sweetheart and seeing children killed just rocked him to the core. He ended up getting pneumonia bad enough to be hospitalized. They sent home just maybe two weeks earlier than planned. He was a different person when he came home. And in the meantime, my sister was f*****g exhausted. She had no family to help her. She was on base, so she did quickly make some friends, but still, she was mostly alone. (The marriage survived, but it was very rough for a while there.)
Celebrities and influencers.
Depends on the celebrity. be more Keanu/Robin Williams/Tom Hanks. F**k influencers though.
Kruse further points out that the job itself can be a “pressure cooker” that spills over into the home. Given how paramedics are at the front row seats of the most gruesome sights, their bodies are unable to “turn off” at the end of the shift. They then become irritable and unpleasant to be around, which affects their partners.
“Friends and family often misinterpret those responses as malicious intent or infidelity, which escalates minor arguments to out-of-control debates,” Kruse stated, adding that financial stress from unpredictable overtime and the binge-drinking culture may further exacerbate the problem.
Flight attendants
They work away from home for days or weeks, jetlag mess with body, dealing unruly passengers with a smile
Also cheating is through the roof .
Actually, any job that requires a lot of travel. My kids got so used to their dad being away that it was hard for them when he came home.
Well based on the death certificates I see at my job, a lot of lawyers get divorced then die of a heart attack in their fifties. A LOT.
As Kruse mentioned, the darker side of being a first responder is often overshadowed by the “uniform and the consistent paycheck.”
“Families desire stability, but they are confronted with trauma exposure, irregular hours, mistrust, and emotional distance. That combination slowly destroys the marriage until it explodes in police intervention and court actions.”
So what I’m getting from this thread is, if you work you’re a terrible spouse. That’s it, I have no other choice, I’m quitting my job.
Chefs.
Where to start on that one 😂 (been in kitchens since I was 3-4). But there’s a few gems in the kitchen
Mostly it's the whole no one can keep their pants on for five minutes thing.
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Surgeons all day. I worked in the urology department at a med school in New Orleans once upon a time. I was amazed at what entitled, enormous [jerks] all the surgeons were. Also the only job where I got a screaming close-to-punching fight with my boss, who was a surgeon. I left shortly after that and was thrilled to leave. Never again!
Morticians. Unless the spouse is in the industry or is very understanding prior to marriage, the late nights, death calls in the middle the night, dinner, family functions, holidays, essentially putting others before your own, can take a toll if someone isn’t on the same page.
Filmmakers. 14 hour workdays. Sometimes months away working on a film. Inconsistent work hours. and then your partner falls in love with someone else while he’s away and lies about it, so yeah. Never doing that again.
I think bartenders have some of the highest divorce rates or cheating rates. Makes sense when you have so many opportunities to cheat and you work weird hours.
I wish bar tenders wouldn't get such a bad reputation... We're perfectly capable of keeping our knickers on and our legs together tyvm!!! You could work in an office, be a binman or whatever and have an affair!
Engineers are generally really good spouses with low cheating and divorce rates with one exception. Anyone who works for extended amounts of time on classified projects.
I’ve seen it destroy people’s marriages to essentially not be able to tell their spouse about 50% of their lives for years at a time.
Government employee, particularly high ranking.
I see my wife… twice a month, if I'm lucky.
Prison Officer.
You train to dull your ability to show empathy in order to conduct your role effectively.
It allows you to say 'no' and challenge poor behaviour while not being emotionally affected by the horrible things you witness.
This, unfortunately, carries through into your real life, and most lose patience quickly on the outside and lose the ability to be tolerant of others.
Alcoholism and cheating seem to be the go-to escapes.
My cop friends and my nursing friends male or female, seem to struggle in their relationships.
Nurses have a s**t ton of weight to handle, and the system absolutely is set up to break them. There is no way that hospitals should require the people making life or death decisions and dealing with traumatized people and potential personal trauma work more than an 8 hour shift and 4 days a week. Pay them well, take care of them physically and mentally. Doctors, too, of course.
Fighter pilots.
Similar to surgeons in many ways- you have to be incredibly driven and focused to make it to that level, combined with a God complex, and being deployed for months at a time. Also prone to using [illegal substances] and alcohol to manage the highs and lows of launching like a rocket off the side of a carrier, dropping ordinance and then coming down. Navy pilots are definitely the worst of them all. Never again.
As a military spouse, I have some thoughts…. And not saying my spouse is bad as a person but does the service set you up to be the best spouse? No. If they wanted you to have a family they would have issued you one is something I think of often. A close friend is having a baby soon and the husband is forgoing paternity leave so he can keep up with peers and not “look bad”. I don’t agree but he’s not wrong that the pressure to be and do the best is there. Sigh.
Doctors.
I’ve had friends married to them and I was engaged to one.
So many issues between the god complex to the d***s to everything inbetween.
It’s like attorneys: Some are wonderful people. Many are not.
Over the road truckers.
This likely depends on the personalities more than anything. I've known couples where one spouse is an OTR driver where it worked because both parties were highly introverted. They both got lots of alone time and were able to more appreciate the times together.
Agreed. And spouse drivers also can do well together.
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Influencers or OF.
People working in car dealerships.
Source: I work in the automotive industry and spend all day at dealerships but I don’t actually work for one. I see the way they go about their lives and it’s not pretty.
Clergy. Spouse and kids are constantly under a microscope.
(Cops are worse, but people don't often put clergy on these lists.).
As the oldest child of a fundamentalist Evangelical preacher, I can absolutely confirm this. And the doctrinal issues of fundamentalism aside, the pressure from the congregation as a whole is not sustainable. There's a reason why the rebellion of the "Preacher's Kid" is a stereotype.
I am Army Veteran and was stationed overseas while on active duty. I cannot count the number of husbands I saw cheat on theirs wives allllll the time. It would absolutely break my heart to see their sweet wives come around with their kids to events with their mistresses attending as well.
Police officers. They will beat you and if you try to report it their coworkers will take their side.
Worst people I've met are Influencers. The not too bad, but very worrying for relationships that are committed are nurses. Every single woman who I've been with that were nasty in bed and open to doing wild s**t on the first night were in healthcare.
Are you saying kinky people can't be in committed relationships?
1)cop, she cheated on me then arrested me to save her career.
2)nurses, not all nurses are mean girls, but all mean girls are nurses
3)Military, cheat or be cheated on
4)veterinarian, furniture everywhere. .
I think autocorrect went over the top. OP likely wanted to write "fur"
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Nurses. My own experience is they’re drained and burnt out so you get the brunt of their anger and frustration and also no compassion cause they’re all out of that when they come home.
That is just not true. I agree there are some who are really nasty people but nasty people you have in every profession. My wife was a nurse and that statement makes me sad 😞
Can confirm that the furniture situation is absolutely out of control when you're married to a veterinarian. I attend a support group for spouses of veterinarians, and not a meeting goes by that doesn't end up dominated by discussions of furniture. If you don't want your life dominated by furniture, do not marry a veterinarian.
So basically anyone who does important work is not suitable for marriage. Plus the obvious unsuitable ones like influencer, HR worker, bartender, etc);
Stress is a huge factor in most of the jobs listed on here, it's no wonder their relationships can become strained
Load More Replies...People with this level of prejudice should date unemployed guys living in their moms‘ basement.
It's not the job per se, I think. It's more the inability of some people to detach when their workday has ended. My mother told my father not to bring his work home and he didn't. When he was home, he was home, he wasn't dealing with any work-related stress. Detaching is not being insensitive: it's prudent, it's often self-preservation. Most of the things you feel stressed about you can't do anything about anyway and feeling stressed won't change anything.
Bar Tending... Bar Staff... Yes, it's a hard job with long weird hours. A huge part of the job is to be friendly and polite which can be misconstrued as being "flirty". It's a tough job to be in but if you're good at it? It's a job where there's probably an open position somewhere if you're absolutely stuck for next months rent and bills. However you do need a certain temperament for it. You cannot lose your sh*t at customers even if they're being verbally or physically aggressive towards you. Keep calm and try and diffuse the situation as best as possible. Of course you're possibly going to get close to your colleagues but? If your relationship is strong and you can go home and have a massive whinge about your day to your partner? They don't mind and you can both whinge to each other? That's a huge sign of a healthy relationship. Let's talk about it and then we can get over it 🙂
Can confirm that the furniture situation is absolutely out of control when you're married to a veterinarian. I attend a support group for spouses of veterinarians, and not a meeting goes by that doesn't end up dominated by discussions of furniture. If you don't want your life dominated by furniture, do not marry a veterinarian.
So basically anyone who does important work is not suitable for marriage. Plus the obvious unsuitable ones like influencer, HR worker, bartender, etc);
Stress is a huge factor in most of the jobs listed on here, it's no wonder their relationships can become strained
Load More Replies...People with this level of prejudice should date unemployed guys living in their moms‘ basement.
It's not the job per se, I think. It's more the inability of some people to detach when their workday has ended. My mother told my father not to bring his work home and he didn't. When he was home, he was home, he wasn't dealing with any work-related stress. Detaching is not being insensitive: it's prudent, it's often self-preservation. Most of the things you feel stressed about you can't do anything about anyway and feeling stressed won't change anything.
Bar Tending... Bar Staff... Yes, it's a hard job with long weird hours. A huge part of the job is to be friendly and polite which can be misconstrued as being "flirty". It's a tough job to be in but if you're good at it? It's a job where there's probably an open position somewhere if you're absolutely stuck for next months rent and bills. However you do need a certain temperament for it. You cannot lose your sh*t at customers even if they're being verbally or physically aggressive towards you. Keep calm and try and diffuse the situation as best as possible. Of course you're possibly going to get close to your colleagues but? If your relationship is strong and you can go home and have a massive whinge about your day to your partner? They don't mind and you can both whinge to each other? That's a huge sign of a healthy relationship. Let's talk about it and then we can get over it 🙂
