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People Share ‘Red Flags’ They Ignored In Their Relationships That Turned Out To Be Very Toxic (30 Pics)
I think it's safe to say most of us have had our fair share of bad relationships. But when does a bad relationship becomes toxic? The kind that takes a toll on your physical, psychological, spiritual or emotional well-being?
Twitter user Halima has set out to find out just that. Recently, she asked people what 'red flags' they overlooked in their exes and her tweet instantly went viral.
From forcing girlfriends to cut off ties with all of their guy-friends to defending everything but your boyfriend, scroll down to see what to look out for in your next relationship and let us know in the comments if you have something to add to the list.
More info: Twitter
Image credits: imdatfeminist
This post may include affiliate links.
Dr. Lillian Glass, a California-based communication and psychology expert, who says she coined the term 'toxic relationship' in her 1995 book Toxic People, defines it as “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect, and a lack of cohesiveness.”
Dr. Kristen Fuller, a California-based family medicine physician specializing in mental health, told TIME that those who regularly undermine or cause harm to their partner often have a reason for their behavior even if it’s subconscious. “Maybe they were in a toxic relationship, either romantically or as a child. Maybe they didn’t have the most supportive, loving upbringing,” Fuller says. “They could have been bullied in school. They could be suffering from an undiagnosed mental health disorder such as depression or anxiety or bipolar disorder, an eating disorder, any form of trauma.”
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Either way, being in a toxic relationship with these people might even cause health problems similar to those caused by fast food or other toxic environments. "In fact, unhealthy relationships may contribute to a toxic internal environment that can lead to stress, depression, anxiety, and even medical problems," author and psychologist Dr. Sherrie Bourg Carter wrote for Psychology Today.
To back up her claim, Dr. Carter highlighted a long-term study that followed more than 10,000 subjects for an average of 12.2 years. Eventually, it was discovered that subjects in negative relationships were at a greater risk for developing heart problems, including a fatal cardiac event, than counterparts whose close relationships were not negative.
As we can see, positive relationships are vital for a healthy, well-balanced life. "Make sure your health-conscious lifestyle doesn't leave out this crucial ingredient," Dr. Carter concluded.
#3
Lisa loves cats 5 years ago
i hope that these people can get the relationships they need and deserve
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Biljana Malesevic 5 years ago
This is the worst way of destroying someone. It's invisible to others but it tears you apart.
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Iris Engler 5 years ago
That's true. In a healthy relationship you should be able to count on your partner whatever happens. That way those kind of feelings should not be able to come up. Yeah of course there can be a phase for whatever reason where you feel kind of that but it should never be a constant thing
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Kaisu 5 years ago
Don't blame yourself for hanging around, it's really hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially when it's emotionally and mentally abusive because then it's easy for you to think you're just overreacting or making things up. And people like these control you and manipulate you and threaten you into staying
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Iris Engler 5 years ago
Been there. They can manipulate in a way that you really start doubting yourself and start thinking about if you are not maybe really the guilty
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Noemie Houtekie-N'Da 5 years ago
How could people be so mean. It is very sad to see these sort of things and realize how unfair people are.
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athornedrose 5 years ago
this! you should not need a translator to communicate with your partner!
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L McN 5 years ago
Ouch, and the reverse is true here: I could never cheat for many many reasons, but one of them is sort of funny....The first person I would want to tell about the event would be my best friend. Who I am married too....We talk too much almost, and no matter how mad I am she can still get me talking about random things and enjoying the conversation.
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Iris Engler 5 years ago
There is literally no reason to block your partner no matter for how long unless you really clearly finished that relation . Then sometimes this can be the only way to protect yourself
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Biljana Malesevic 5 years ago
I hate when people abuse my confiding in them with my personal mental health issues. Something I told in deep trust gets thrown in my face with next big fight. "You said you have issues! YOu obviously have them now, because I don't!". So I never trust anyone now.
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Angela-Jayne Linford 4 years ago
When the little pointless lies got bigger and bigger and the literal punches I took if I called any of them out became daily just because! It took me 5yrs to get out and ended with him holding a knife to my throat...that was my breaking point, I knew if I didnt get out now I was only getting out one way and that was in a box 😥😥😥😥
Guacamole Warrior 3 years ago
Oh my gosh I'm so sorry you had to go through that! It's good you're out now though
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Martine Borge 5 years ago
You are NOT dumb! We choose to believe the ones we love even if it doesn't make sense deep down. Sometimes it's scarier to be alone, and that's what abusers count on.
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Cocoa Beanz 4 years ago
My ex said that but if I gained weight. This was when I was on my early 20s and small. He was in his 40s (ugh, I know. What was I thinking?!) with man boobs!!!
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Cocoa Beanz 4 years ago
If a guy ever says you're too gold for him, just run. In my experience, it means that he'll try to bring you to his level. Or that your efforts for him to do better in life will be in vain.
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What do you think ?
Derek Neibarger 5 years ago (edited)
I tried to break up with her four times over two years, but she kept talking me out of it. I finally realized the relationship was toxic when after a big fight she suggested counseling. I thought she meant couples counseling, but it was just for me because she figured all the problems with our relationship must be my fault. The real kicker? The therapist couldn't find anything "wrong" with me, but instead of suggesting my unhappiness may be due to being in a s****y relationship she decided I "might" have a chemical imbalance and prescribed antidepressants. Long story short, I finally left her and immediately stopped taking those useless pills. I've been perfectly fine ever since and happily married to my soulmate for twenty years.
Carol Emory 5 years ago
Glad you finally rescued yourself. Toxicity has no place in a relationship. Happy you found your soulmate.
Load More Replies... Kaisu 5 years ago
If anyone out there reading this comment feels like they're in a toxic and abusive relationship, I hope you'll have the strength to get out of it and remember that getting abused is not your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself
Staurt Sylvia 4 years ago
Lord Masuka helped reunite I and my husband back after he abandoned me for half a year, contact him today for any help lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or whatsapp him +1(234)-307-0752
Load More Replies... Carol Emory 5 years ago
When my mother introduced me and my sister to her new boyfriend, I knew there was something off about him. He'd look me in the eye, but he acted like he was forcing himself to smile. Like he was actually sizing me up. I tried to tell my mother, but she ignored me. Months later, I found out he was beating the c**p out of her on the regular. When we went to move my mother out of his apartment, he had come home and grabbed a knife to threaten her not to leave. He was met by my brother who said "While you're standing there with that knife, ask yourself what happened to the gun you had hidden under your pillow. I suggest you leave or you'll be wishing the cops were here in a minute." He left, we moved her out, she actually tried to go back to him. We laid down a "it's him or us" ultimatum. She finally left him for good.
Carol Emory 5 years ago
This also applies to friendships. I had a friend in high school that I hung out with a lot. I caught times when she would degrade me or make snide comments about my appearance. I brushed it off. When I met the man who would become my husband, she was kind of ok with it, but angry I was not hanging out with her all the time like we used to. Then when my son came along, she became cold and made it perfectly clear she hated kids. Every time after that, whenever we contacted each other..she'd play the pity party. "I don't know if I should move back..it's not like I have any friends there" even though I still lived there. The last time she pulled it I said "Ya know what..why don't you stay where you are. It's not like we have a friendship anyway. You heap on the abuse and I take it. Well..I'm done taking it. Go love yourself. I'm sure you'll be happy being all alone for the rest of your narcissistic life" and hung up. I felt super cleansed.
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Steven Cook 5 years ago
This was hard to read. Every post I read hit thome. Every. Single. One. 10+ years to finally figure it out. I'll be free 6 years this summer. When you're wearing rose colored glasses, all the red flags look like just plain old flags
Suzanne Harris 5 years ago
I'm truly happy for you. I was in the same situation and it took cops and an ambulance to finally nail it home. I was five years deep but now 8 years free.
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Sterrinatu 5 years ago
I should have known the relationship was toxic when I became the worst version of myself.
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 5 years ago
It's hard. My last girlfriend got kicked out of the house she was living in by her room mates (red flag), moved in with me (didn't ask just did it), and then threatened to lie to all my friends and say I abused her. It took another year to extract myself from that relationship. Pretty sure I was dealing with a combination of BPD, Grave's disease and alcoholism with her.
Suzanne Harris 5 years ago
BPD alone is hell on earth. One of my family members has it and it's brutal. I always have to remind myself that it's not her fault the meds don't help, but it still drove a wedge between us.
Load More Replies... Perpetual Peripheral Persons 5 years ago
A Red Flag is if your Partner does not treat You and Themselves as Full Adults
Biljana Malesevic 5 years ago (edited)
Red flags you shouldn't ignore, I wrote "he" but this could be applied to both genders: - criticism - he wants to "repair" you, make you a better person, whether physically or mentally. - he abuses your trust - I trusted someone with some deeply personal inner issues I have only for that to be used as argument in a fight against me. - he lies on first date, or first dates - you will never be able to trust him, ever! - he tells you he is bad news, he will never commit, you don't have a future together etc - no matter how nice he treats you, he will NEVER change his mind. He warned you! He took all the guilt from himself. He warned you AND he was nice to you. He will tell you it's your fault you didn't listen or believe him. - he is just out of serious relationship - she mentions his ex at least twice. Be aware, you might be rebound. - this never happened to me, but for everyone general rule - physical violence! Never ever is justified. NEVER! Whatever you do. Leave. Immediatelly, and don't look back
Darcey Young 5 years ago
I knew it was toxic when I discovered he'd been seeing someone else whilst I was having chemo. When I challenged him he told me it was my fault he was cheating as I was being a bad girlfriend; I wasn't well enough to have sex so he went elsewhere to get it. Apparently it was my fault. Despite being really poorly I ended the relationship there and then and walked away. I'm lucky to be in a wonderful relationship with a man who comes to every appointment with me and doesn't leave my side when I'm having chemo (the cancer returned 5 years later) who loves me and treats me like a queen. If you are in a toxic relationship please know that it doesn't have to be that way; you can heal.
Knight Owl 5 years ago
My idiot now gets mad at the girls he hears getting abused "being too stupid to leave and must like it" this coming from someone who knows I was beaten for 2 years. Same guy who takes it as I'm mad at him when I'm mad at my phone not working. Same guy that gets mad and yells at me for being upset with nothing to do with him. I secretly talk to the only friend I have behind his back because it's a guy. I constantly hear him mutter s**t to insult me under his breath then calls me skitzo for hearing s**t. He is about as abusive as my beater but he thinks hes "a nice guy" anyone has to say there nice probably isn't. If they were they wouldn't need to say it because actions speak louder than words.
Viviane 5 years ago
You absolutely have my permission to leave him. Start building relationships beyond that one friend. Different people have different strengths and knowledge. Plus some can be pretty good at either fixing you up with someone nice (how I met my husband) or at warning you about jerks (I didn't listen the first time, but I did the next two times!)
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Sandra Charlot 5 years ago
I should have known it was toxic, when I lived in a appartement with fist holes in the walls, when he treated me he will let me in the another country during our holidays because I wasn't good girl, when he assumed to never hit me, because choking is not hitting, when he told me that the only reason a men can find me interesting was because he want to f**k me.
Carol Emory 5 years ago
This happened to a guy..believe it or not. He was in a toxic relationship with a woman. They went on vacation, she left him without a way to get home, no money, no wallet. She ran home, cleaned out the house and disappeared. It took him months to get everything back in order. It sometimes takes a while to see the toxicity. But any man that spends his time degrading the person he says he loves..he's not a man and incapable of love.
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Elise van der Velde 5 years ago
My ex didn't want to see me if I wasn't wearing makeup. When I showed up with only a bit of concealer on or something he'd get mad.
Marnie 5 years ago
In the introduction, the author says something about how we don't know what a healthy relationship is. That's part of the problem of people not being around extended family a lot as kids. In a natural environment, most people would be exposed daily to adults (not jus their parents) in health relationships. So, then they would know what it looks like.
Neill Powell 5 years ago
This is by far the most helpful comment here. People also forget how toxic people at work can influence you in your relationships outside of work
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Amanda Ammermann 5 years ago
When I was afraid to bring up a potential issue because it meant something else in my house would be broken (TV, window, doors, holes in the wall, phone, etc) because "it had to be Xobject so that it wasnt me".
Hallie 5 years ago
I should've known it was toxic as I was just 16 and he was 34. I feel disgusted with myself still (I'm now 31) I stayed with him for 5 years. I keep trying to remind myself I was a child, and he was the adult, there was no way the relationship was 'equal'. If I could delete that part of my history I would in a heartbeat. He was a drug addict and an alcoholic, I became one too, he was emotionally dependant and he controlled every aspect of what I did (forced me to do drugs with him, didn't let me go out etc etc). It took me running away on my own for a month for me to finally leave him. At 16 I had no idea what a normal relationship was like, I've struggled with trust and anxiety issues ever since, but am now happily married to a wonderful, understanding man.
Carol Emory 5 years ago
I once told someone that I wish I could go back and delete parts of my life and do things differently. His response.."Deleting your history deletes part of what makes you the unique person you are. Your experiences make you a wiser person, compassionate to people that are going through similar experiences. Never be ashamed of your history. Be proud of what you've managed to survive for it gave you the tools to overcome anything." I've embraced that ideal. I'm no longer ashamed of my past because I now have the wisdom to help people around me so that I can lessen their pain and give them hope. I wish you all the best.
Load More Replies... KayKay 5 years ago
When he said he felt like he might be a sex addict. When he suggested an open relationship. When he said he cheated bc I wasn't putting out (I had our son just 3 months prior) When the first thing he asked after our child was born was how soon I could have sex. When he would hide his phone/change his password. When he would get angry when I would express how things made me feel. unfortunately, the list goes on.
Ale_Vidal23 5 years ago (edited)
here's my story: while i was studying and working at the same time, she had no job, suffered depressions, wouldn't let me help her and was not willing to change anything about it. nothing toxic so far... but she would go mad if i would not make late hours with her (12am) while i had to wake up early and go to work/school and she could sleep all day long. also she didn't have money and didn't feel bad having me paying pretty much everything she needed. call me a dumbass, but love can fool you so bad.
Viviane 5 years ago
There are depressive people who make the effort to manage their illness and make the partner’s support absolutely worthwhile. What helped me: I finally found a good therapist (my issue is that some are lazy and just listen, which anyone can do), plus I occasionally shared what happened in therapy with my husband. He was surprised, so I told him, “I want you to be part of my healing”. That improved communication between us.
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Mindy Hapsis 5 years ago
I should have know my relationship was toxic anytime I tried to Speak Up that He didn't want me anyway bc I'd prob get MS like my mom. Amongst hundreds of other abusive comments. My fault for allowing and forgiving.
Geoffrey Holland 5 years ago
When the person you're interested in actually says something like how they're actually really a b***h or they're not really a very nice person or how they're not good in a relationship, bloody well listen to them!
Ripley 5 years ago
When he "punished" me for going out with friends on a night that he a) wasn't there, and b) wouldn't have known about if I hadn't told him, thinking that honesty in a relationship was the best policy. The punishment he doled out was to turn up 2 hours late when he was supposed to be meeting me (pre cell phone days). Then telling me it was my fault and that he was thinking about me "the whole time" (he was in a pub 100 metres away from where we were meeting.) D**k.
Kiss Army 5 years ago
He was my first sexual partner and the first time we had sex, it hurt so bad I begged him to stop but he wouldn't. Then I actually let him convince me that this was for my benefit - that he continued so that any pain would be "out of the way" and it would be better for me next time... It wasn't. He then tried to tell me it was my fault for staying a virgin so long. I still stayed with him. I was such an idiot. He broke up with me a couple of months later because my performance wasn't "getting any better." I didn't date anyone again for several years until I met my husband. I was comfortable with him right away and I quickly learned that there was nothing wrong with MY performance but the first guy left a lot to be desired. Been married 27+ years now and NO COMPLAINTS at all...
Suzanne Harris 5 years ago (edited)
I should have known when my ex-fiance told me I was prettier when I was crying - after he beat me up. And when my mother shattered her femur, he wouldn't "allow" me to see her in the hospital because it was our moving day. When I went hours later, he killed my favorite fish while I was gone.
Jasmine Hufflepuff Henderson 5 years ago
I should have known it was toxic when he kept putting me down for trying to better myself and putting me down for my dream job. I finally realized it was toxic and left when he told me "if You want to be a freaking stick go be a freaking stick." When I wanted to lose weight. It took me too long to realize that he was controlling. I'm happier than I have been in a long time and it feels great. Never let anyone control you and never let anyone not let you better yourself.
Amparo Rodriguez Bogosian 5 years ago
Me: Why do you choose me? BF: I don't choose you, it's just that you're better than nothing, eventhough you punish me being fat (1,80m and 78kg) and having that horrible hair when there are so many beautiful women. I don't care if you stay or leave. But if you leave this is over, I won't waste my time looking for you. What a cute man he was.
Dana Kennington 5 years ago
I should have known when I loaned him my car when I was bartending at the end of the night I said where is my key he said I gave it to you I said no you didnt - etc etc time to lock up and he left the bar cussing at me making a scene I'm stuck in the parking lot no keys to my car in a city I was very new too - he turned off his phone I knew he had my key so I'm left walking at 230am to his house about a mile away. He let's me in I'm exhausted and I fall asleep and in the morning we wake up and he says - I have your key it was in my boot when I changed shoes. After he gaslighted me yelled and called me names at my work when everyone was staring at me - the new bartender no one knew well...i was humiliated beyond belief that was 5 years ago...thank god I got out but after that I had stayed even after I experienced every single thing that everyone has commented about above. Its hell. Its narcissistic evil at its best that makes us so insecure that we literally want to die and the worst part is that no one believes you cuz hes such a nice fake rat to everyone else. e
An Opinion 5 years ago
When she started hitting me and threatened to go to the police and accuse me of domestic violence if I didn't submit to her every whim.
Neill Powell 5 years ago
Solution: Write a letter. Have it notarized. Ensure no self-made (DM threat self-injury) marks and vanish. Have Mates collect in 7 Days with gestapo present, with letter.
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Christine M Quigley 5 years ago
Boy, oh boy, I had SOOO many red flags with my ex, it was a wonder I could see. Control freak, totally insecure, cheater, gaslighted me till he got his way, spoiled brat, helpless, controlled EVERY aspect of my life till I decided to take control of my career. That was the beginning of the end of a 25 yr. relationship.
Wonderful 5 years ago
I should have known it was toxic when I would pass out from the pain during sex yet he would continue to have sex with me. Thankfully I got out and have been with my amazing husband for 18 years. He helped me realize even the little things I had to do weren't healthy and that I could and can be in a healthy relationship. Also my husband doesn't care if I wear heals, or dye my hair, or wear pink, or change the radio station in the car, or any of the many silly things my ex would go crazy over. We ALL deserve happiness and stability. Xoxoxo
Neill Powell 5 years ago
Except during Overwatch and she's takin' names and kicking a*s!
Load More Replies... Sori 5 years ago
I knew he was toxic when I wasn't allowed to meet anyone in his life. I also had to wait weekly to find out what day we might have together. I sacrificed do much in 5 years to deal with his absurd parameters until a death in my family that he couldn't understand or support me. Then when my angel mother reached out to make sure he was okay after the breakup was too much for him, he became emotionally abusive to her. How did it get that far, how did I think it was okay? My wonderful husband shows me daily that I deserve this relationship and I had to get past that one to meet him. I pray that everyone gets this resolution and a soul mate they deserve.
Celtic Pirate Queen 5 years ago
Also - toxicity doesn't just live in romantic partnerships. I have 2 sisters I no longer speak to/interact with. One is just plain batshit f*****g crazy and I haven't really had a relationship with her in 15 years or so. The other is a narcissistic drunken s**t who can't keep a job/home (been to rehab at least 5 times). She started insisting her house was haunted, her boss had put a curse on her, etc. I decided to avoid her over a year ago. We'd had an argument, so when my mother was involved in a car accident on the way to visit her, my sister wouldn't return my phone calls or texts. They were in Port Townsend, WA and I live in San Diego. Was it serious, life threatening, did I need to get on a plane? My Mother called me at 11:00pm (the accident occurred at 9:30am) and she was just fine. The car was totalled, but she was okay. Sister couldn't be bothered to send a text? That was the final straw. I freely admit that I LOVE the lack of drama in my life.
Marnie 5 years ago
There is a big problem nowadays of people trying to fix a bad relationship, when the truth is, they are incompatible people. It doesn't excuse emotionally abusive behavior. But if there is a trend of you saying how he/she screwed up and them not admitting it, why are you even having to say it enough to be a trend? Just the fact you have to talk to them about their failings that often to me is a red flag that you just aren't compatible (even if they are someone who takes such criticism well).
Caitlyn Burton 2 years ago
My ex was very toxic. I was young, dumb, and thought I was in love. I stayed with him for a year and it was bad. He would constantly make comments about my weight and tell me I would look better if I would just lose some of it. He was emotionally abusive, an alcoholic, did other harder drugs with others in our living room with me asleep in the living room, was abusive in other ways that I don't feel comfortable talking about, got drunk and tried to run me over with his truck while I was in our roommates car that had limited steering, and thats just a few. I finally left when he held me down on the floor screaming at me to just leave. I'm thankful I did because a week later I found out I was pregnant. He has denied my son since the beginning but my husband has been there since I was 3 months pregnant.
Dark Pearl 4 years ago
These things leave me in 2 minds. Sad for these people, and angry that they didn't leave the toxicity sooner
Bleeding-Angel 4 years ago
I understand all of these, I got out of a toxic relationship a few days ago. I feel empty and broken, we were together for 3 years and he messaged me saying he wanted me back but I said no because I don't love him anymore..it hurts a lot.
Staurt Sylvia 4 years ago
Lord Masuka helped reunite I and my husband back after he abandoned me for half a year, contact him today for any help lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or whatsapp him +1(234)-307-0752
Redfox 5 years ago
Covert narcissist was my toxic person. So subtle in the making you didn't even realise you were being used, till you finally get those, Hey Wait....feelings...question them, you get told you are too needy/sensitive/whatever. Finally dots all make a picture and you question that picture only to be reassured with love and tears it was all a mistake. Yet they continue to SEE that 'mistake' for over 10 years, behind your back....all the while making you look a fool and then you wake up and think, Oh, that's just effing lovely. Then they dump you in the most horrific cruel way, which I won't public talk about here. But 1 year on and loads of counselling I can see that he was indeed a Covert Narcissist with little boy syndrome. I hurt and did the whole snot tears for 3 months, not because I loved and lost, because the REAL man I SHOULD have been with got away....I told HIM I loved this one years ago, and the egg is on my face now. Toxic a/holes ruin trust.
Leslie Burleson 5 years ago
My 17 year old daughter broke up with her boyfriend of three years four months ago . The relationship started out so great . He would bring her gifts , cook her dinner ... he was just great and supportive . He turned into a jerk about a year into the relationship . My daughter suffers from anxiety and depression. He would never support her or comfort her , he would tell her she needed to toughen up. Eventually he started constantly telling her what she was doing wrong , and how it was her fault the relationship wasn't working. She has been heartbroken ever since. She has messaged him a few times to see how he's doing . Once he told her he didn't love her anymore . The second time he said "I've moved on , so should you". I'm going to send her this article ! I think this will help raise the self esteem he destroyed .
SaddBoiiwithaheart 5 years ago
Half of these i need the other side of the story you can't solve a case with just one part of a story
Celtic Pirate Queen 5 years ago
He honestly believed that his happiness was MY responsibility. I told him that was a b******t copout, he was basically saying if he was unhappy (for any reason) it was my fault. I paid for marriage counseling to try to get him to understand why this wasn't right. Well, she was a woman, obviously she was on my side. Also, my wanting to read my new book meant I didn't want to spend time with him and that I didn't love him (same for saying no to sex). No you dumb m**********r, it means I want to read my new book.
Neill Powell 5 years ago
Love this! Please rename the article to "Mainly women complaining about their relationship Male red-flags". No opinions from the other side. The women are attracting and accepting the crazy. That's not the crazy, abusive dude's problem, that's YOUR problem for making poor choices. If the ladies stop lusting after, and trying to date the a******s, perhaps more men would have more reason not to be "that a*****e".
Chris Lee 5 years ago
It's amazing how many posts in the stories are about toxic men but in the comments you get to see that it happens to men as well. Thanks for the extremely bias article.
Kim Lee 5 years ago
Chris, it was based on the submissions to the original post. There are indeed posts from men. Also keep in mind, it is only showing the first few, you have to click the link at the bottom of the post to see the others. It's based on voting.
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Perpetual Peripheral Persons 5 years ago
Complaining about a Toxic Relationship does not make you Emotionally Immature..
Load More Replies... Derek Neibarger 5 years ago (edited)
I tried to break up with her four times over two years, but she kept talking me out of it. I finally realized the relationship was toxic when after a big fight she suggested counseling. I thought she meant couples counseling, but it was just for me because she figured all the problems with our relationship must be my fault. The real kicker? The therapist couldn't find anything "wrong" with me, but instead of suggesting my unhappiness may be due to being in a s****y relationship she decided I "might" have a chemical imbalance and prescribed antidepressants. Long story short, I finally left her and immediately stopped taking those useless pills. I've been perfectly fine ever since and happily married to my soulmate for twenty years.
Carol Emory 5 years ago
Glad you finally rescued yourself. Toxicity has no place in a relationship. Happy you found your soulmate.
Load More Replies... Kaisu 5 years ago
If anyone out there reading this comment feels like they're in a toxic and abusive relationship, I hope you'll have the strength to get out of it and remember that getting abused is not your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself
Staurt Sylvia 4 years ago
Lord Masuka helped reunite I and my husband back after he abandoned me for half a year, contact him today for any help lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or whatsapp him +1(234)-307-0752
Load More Replies... Carol Emory 5 years ago
When my mother introduced me and my sister to her new boyfriend, I knew there was something off about him. He'd look me in the eye, but he acted like he was forcing himself to smile. Like he was actually sizing me up. I tried to tell my mother, but she ignored me. Months later, I found out he was beating the c**p out of her on the regular. When we went to move my mother out of his apartment, he had come home and grabbed a knife to threaten her not to leave. He was met by my brother who said "While you're standing there with that knife, ask yourself what happened to the gun you had hidden under your pillow. I suggest you leave or you'll be wishing the cops were here in a minute." He left, we moved her out, she actually tried to go back to him. We laid down a "it's him or us" ultimatum. She finally left him for good.
Carol Emory 5 years ago
This also applies to friendships. I had a friend in high school that I hung out with a lot. I caught times when she would degrade me or make snide comments about my appearance. I brushed it off. When I met the man who would become my husband, she was kind of ok with it, but angry I was not hanging out with her all the time like we used to. Then when my son came along, she became cold and made it perfectly clear she hated kids. Every time after that, whenever we contacted each other..she'd play the pity party. "I don't know if I should move back..it's not like I have any friends there" even though I still lived there. The last time she pulled it I said "Ya know what..why don't you stay where you are. It's not like we have a friendship anyway. You heap on the abuse and I take it. Well..I'm done taking it. Go love yourself. I'm sure you'll be happy being all alone for the rest of your narcissistic life" and hung up. I felt super cleansed.
Load More Replies... Steven Cook 5 years ago
This was hard to read. Every post I read hit thome. Every. Single. One. 10+ years to finally figure it out. I'll be free 6 years this summer. When you're wearing rose colored glasses, all the red flags look like just plain old flags
Suzanne Harris 5 years ago
I'm truly happy for you. I was in the same situation and it took cops and an ambulance to finally nail it home. I was five years deep but now 8 years free.
Load More Replies... Sterrinatu 5 years ago
I should have known the relationship was toxic when I became the worst version of myself.
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 5 years ago
It's hard. My last girlfriend got kicked out of the house she was living in by her room mates (red flag), moved in with me (didn't ask just did it), and then threatened to lie to all my friends and say I abused her. It took another year to extract myself from that relationship. Pretty sure I was dealing with a combination of BPD, Grave's disease and alcoholism with her.
Suzanne Harris 5 years ago
BPD alone is hell on earth. One of my family members has it and it's brutal. I always have to remind myself that it's not her fault the meds don't help, but it still drove a wedge between us.
Load More Replies... Perpetual Peripheral Persons 5 years ago
A Red Flag is if your Partner does not treat You and Themselves as Full Adults
Biljana Malesevic 5 years ago (edited)
Red flags you shouldn't ignore, I wrote "he" but this could be applied to both genders: - criticism - he wants to "repair" you, make you a better person, whether physically or mentally. - he abuses your trust - I trusted someone with some deeply personal inner issues I have only for that to be used as argument in a fight against me. - he lies on first date, or first dates - you will never be able to trust him, ever! - he tells you he is bad news, he will never commit, you don't have a future together etc - no matter how nice he treats you, he will NEVER change his mind. He warned you! He took all the guilt from himself. He warned you AND he was nice to you. He will tell you it's your fault you didn't listen or believe him. - he is just out of serious relationship - she mentions his ex at least twice. Be aware, you might be rebound. - this never happened to me, but for everyone general rule - physical violence! Never ever is justified. NEVER! Whatever you do. Leave. Immediatelly, and don't look back
Darcey Young 5 years ago
I knew it was toxic when I discovered he'd been seeing someone else whilst I was having chemo. When I challenged him he told me it was my fault he was cheating as I was being a bad girlfriend; I wasn't well enough to have sex so he went elsewhere to get it. Apparently it was my fault. Despite being really poorly I ended the relationship there and then and walked away. I'm lucky to be in a wonderful relationship with a man who comes to every appointment with me and doesn't leave my side when I'm having chemo (the cancer returned 5 years later) who loves me and treats me like a queen. If you are in a toxic relationship please know that it doesn't have to be that way; you can heal.
Knight Owl 5 years ago
My idiot now gets mad at the girls he hears getting abused "being too stupid to leave and must like it" this coming from someone who knows I was beaten for 2 years. Same guy who takes it as I'm mad at him when I'm mad at my phone not working. Same guy that gets mad and yells at me for being upset with nothing to do with him. I secretly talk to the only friend I have behind his back because it's a guy. I constantly hear him mutter s**t to insult me under his breath then calls me skitzo for hearing s**t. He is about as abusive as my beater but he thinks hes "a nice guy" anyone has to say there nice probably isn't. If they were they wouldn't need to say it because actions speak louder than words.
Viviane 5 years ago
You absolutely have my permission to leave him. Start building relationships beyond that one friend. Different people have different strengths and knowledge. Plus some can be pretty good at either fixing you up with someone nice (how I met my husband) or at warning you about jerks (I didn't listen the first time, but I did the next two times!)
Load More Replies... Sandra Charlot 5 years ago
I should have known it was toxic, when I lived in a appartement with fist holes in the walls, when he treated me he will let me in the another country during our holidays because I wasn't good girl, when he assumed to never hit me, because choking is not hitting, when he told me that the only reason a men can find me interesting was because he want to f**k me.
Carol Emory 5 years ago
This happened to a guy..believe it or not. He was in a toxic relationship with a woman. They went on vacation, she left him without a way to get home, no money, no wallet. She ran home, cleaned out the house and disappeared. It took him months to get everything back in order. It sometimes takes a while to see the toxicity. But any man that spends his time degrading the person he says he loves..he's not a man and incapable of love.
Load More Replies... Elise van der Velde 5 years ago
My ex didn't want to see me if I wasn't wearing makeup. When I showed up with only a bit of concealer on or something he'd get mad.
Marnie 5 years ago
In the introduction, the author says something about how we don't know what a healthy relationship is. That's part of the problem of people not being around extended family a lot as kids. In a natural environment, most people would be exposed daily to adults (not jus their parents) in health relationships. So, then they would know what it looks like.
Neill Powell 5 years ago
This is by far the most helpful comment here. People also forget how toxic people at work can influence you in your relationships outside of work
Load More Replies... Amanda Ammermann 5 years ago
When I was afraid to bring up a potential issue because it meant something else in my house would be broken (TV, window, doors, holes in the wall, phone, etc) because "it had to be Xobject so that it wasnt me".
Hallie 5 years ago
I should've known it was toxic as I was just 16 and he was 34. I feel disgusted with myself still (I'm now 31) I stayed with him for 5 years. I keep trying to remind myself I was a child, and he was the adult, there was no way the relationship was 'equal'. If I could delete that part of my history I would in a heartbeat. He was a drug addict and an alcoholic, I became one too, he was emotionally dependant and he controlled every aspect of what I did (forced me to do drugs with him, didn't let me go out etc etc). It took me running away on my own for a month for me to finally leave him. At 16 I had no idea what a normal relationship was like, I've struggled with trust and anxiety issues ever since, but am now happily married to a wonderful, understanding man.
Carol Emory 5 years ago
I once told someone that I wish I could go back and delete parts of my life and do things differently. His response.."Deleting your history deletes part of what makes you the unique person you are. Your experiences make you a wiser person, compassionate to people that are going through similar experiences. Never be ashamed of your history. Be proud of what you've managed to survive for it gave you the tools to overcome anything." I've embraced that ideal. I'm no longer ashamed of my past because I now have the wisdom to help people around me so that I can lessen their pain and give them hope. I wish you all the best.
Load More Replies... KayKay 5 years ago
When he said he felt like he might be a sex addict. When he suggested an open relationship. When he said he cheated bc I wasn't putting out (I had our son just 3 months prior) When the first thing he asked after our child was born was how soon I could have sex. When he would hide his phone/change his password. When he would get angry when I would express how things made me feel. unfortunately, the list goes on.
Ale_Vidal23 5 years ago (edited)
here's my story: while i was studying and working at the same time, she had no job, suffered depressions, wouldn't let me help her and was not willing to change anything about it. nothing toxic so far... but she would go mad if i would not make late hours with her (12am) while i had to wake up early and go to work/school and she could sleep all day long. also she didn't have money and didn't feel bad having me paying pretty much everything she needed. call me a dumbass, but love can fool you so bad.
Viviane 5 years ago
There are depressive people who make the effort to manage their illness and make the partner’s support absolutely worthwhile. What helped me: I finally found a good therapist (my issue is that some are lazy and just listen, which anyone can do), plus I occasionally shared what happened in therapy with my husband. He was surprised, so I told him, “I want you to be part of my healing”. That improved communication between us.
Load More Replies... Mindy Hapsis 5 years ago
I should have know my relationship was toxic anytime I tried to Speak Up that He didn't want me anyway bc I'd prob get MS like my mom. Amongst hundreds of other abusive comments. My fault for allowing and forgiving.
Geoffrey Holland 5 years ago
When the person you're interested in actually says something like how they're actually really a b***h or they're not really a very nice person or how they're not good in a relationship, bloody well listen to them!
Ripley 5 years ago
When he "punished" me for going out with friends on a night that he a) wasn't there, and b) wouldn't have known about if I hadn't told him, thinking that honesty in a relationship was the best policy. The punishment he doled out was to turn up 2 hours late when he was supposed to be meeting me (pre cell phone days). Then telling me it was my fault and that he was thinking about me "the whole time" (he was in a pub 100 metres away from where we were meeting.) D**k.
Kiss Army 5 years ago
He was my first sexual partner and the first time we had sex, it hurt so bad I begged him to stop but he wouldn't. Then I actually let him convince me that this was for my benefit - that he continued so that any pain would be "out of the way" and it would be better for me next time... It wasn't. He then tried to tell me it was my fault for staying a virgin so long. I still stayed with him. I was such an idiot. He broke up with me a couple of months later because my performance wasn't "getting any better." I didn't date anyone again for several years until I met my husband. I was comfortable with him right away and I quickly learned that there was nothing wrong with MY performance but the first guy left a lot to be desired. Been married 27+ years now and NO COMPLAINTS at all...
Suzanne Harris 5 years ago (edited)
I should have known when my ex-fiance told me I was prettier when I was crying - after he beat me up. And when my mother shattered her femur, he wouldn't "allow" me to see her in the hospital because it was our moving day. When I went hours later, he killed my favorite fish while I was gone.
Jasmine Hufflepuff Henderson 5 years ago
I should have known it was toxic when he kept putting me down for trying to better myself and putting me down for my dream job. I finally realized it was toxic and left when he told me "if You want to be a freaking stick go be a freaking stick." When I wanted to lose weight. It took me too long to realize that he was controlling. I'm happier than I have been in a long time and it feels great. Never let anyone control you and never let anyone not let you better yourself.
Amparo Rodriguez Bogosian 5 years ago
Me: Why do you choose me? BF: I don't choose you, it's just that you're better than nothing, eventhough you punish me being fat (1,80m and 78kg) and having that horrible hair when there are so many beautiful women. I don't care if you stay or leave. But if you leave this is over, I won't waste my time looking for you. What a cute man he was.
Dana Kennington 5 years ago
I should have known when I loaned him my car when I was bartending at the end of the night I said where is my key he said I gave it to you I said no you didnt - etc etc time to lock up and he left the bar cussing at me making a scene I'm stuck in the parking lot no keys to my car in a city I was very new too - he turned off his phone I knew he had my key so I'm left walking at 230am to his house about a mile away. He let's me in I'm exhausted and I fall asleep and in the morning we wake up and he says - I have your key it was in my boot when I changed shoes. After he gaslighted me yelled and called me names at my work when everyone was staring at me - the new bartender no one knew well...i was humiliated beyond belief that was 5 years ago...thank god I got out but after that I had stayed even after I experienced every single thing that everyone has commented about above. Its hell. Its narcissistic evil at its best that makes us so insecure that we literally want to die and the worst part is that no one believes you cuz hes such a nice fake rat to everyone else. e
An Opinion 5 years ago
When she started hitting me and threatened to go to the police and accuse me of domestic violence if I didn't submit to her every whim.
Neill Powell 5 years ago
Solution: Write a letter. Have it notarized. Ensure no self-made (DM threat self-injury) marks and vanish. Have Mates collect in 7 Days with gestapo present, with letter.
Load More Replies... Christine M Quigley 5 years ago
Boy, oh boy, I had SOOO many red flags with my ex, it was a wonder I could see. Control freak, totally insecure, cheater, gaslighted me till he got his way, spoiled brat, helpless, controlled EVERY aspect of my life till I decided to take control of my career. That was the beginning of the end of a 25 yr. relationship.
Wonderful 5 years ago
I should have known it was toxic when I would pass out from the pain during sex yet he would continue to have sex with me. Thankfully I got out and have been with my amazing husband for 18 years. He helped me realize even the little things I had to do weren't healthy and that I could and can be in a healthy relationship. Also my husband doesn't care if I wear heals, or dye my hair, or wear pink, or change the radio station in the car, or any of the many silly things my ex would go crazy over. We ALL deserve happiness and stability. Xoxoxo
Neill Powell 5 years ago
Except during Overwatch and she's takin' names and kicking a*s!
Load More Replies... Sori 5 years ago
I knew he was toxic when I wasn't allowed to meet anyone in his life. I also had to wait weekly to find out what day we might have together. I sacrificed do much in 5 years to deal with his absurd parameters until a death in my family that he couldn't understand or support me. Then when my angel mother reached out to make sure he was okay after the breakup was too much for him, he became emotionally abusive to her. How did it get that far, how did I think it was okay? My wonderful husband shows me daily that I deserve this relationship and I had to get past that one to meet him. I pray that everyone gets this resolution and a soul mate they deserve.
Celtic Pirate Queen 5 years ago
Also - toxicity doesn't just live in romantic partnerships. I have 2 sisters I no longer speak to/interact with. One is just plain batshit f*****g crazy and I haven't really had a relationship with her in 15 years or so. The other is a narcissistic drunken s**t who can't keep a job/home (been to rehab at least 5 times). She started insisting her house was haunted, her boss had put a curse on her, etc. I decided to avoid her over a year ago. We'd had an argument, so when my mother was involved in a car accident on the way to visit her, my sister wouldn't return my phone calls or texts. They were in Port Townsend, WA and I live in San Diego. Was it serious, life threatening, did I need to get on a plane? My Mother called me at 11:00pm (the accident occurred at 9:30am) and she was just fine. The car was totalled, but she was okay. Sister couldn't be bothered to send a text? That was the final straw. I freely admit that I LOVE the lack of drama in my life.
Marnie 5 years ago
There is a big problem nowadays of people trying to fix a bad relationship, when the truth is, they are incompatible people. It doesn't excuse emotionally abusive behavior. But if there is a trend of you saying how he/she screwed up and them not admitting it, why are you even having to say it enough to be a trend? Just the fact you have to talk to them about their failings that often to me is a red flag that you just aren't compatible (even if they are someone who takes such criticism well).
Caitlyn Burton 2 years ago
My ex was very toxic. I was young, dumb, and thought I was in love. I stayed with him for a year and it was bad. He would constantly make comments about my weight and tell me I would look better if I would just lose some of it. He was emotionally abusive, an alcoholic, did other harder drugs with others in our living room with me asleep in the living room, was abusive in other ways that I don't feel comfortable talking about, got drunk and tried to run me over with his truck while I was in our roommates car that had limited steering, and thats just a few. I finally left when he held me down on the floor screaming at me to just leave. I'm thankful I did because a week later I found out I was pregnant. He has denied my son since the beginning but my husband has been there since I was 3 months pregnant.
Dark Pearl 4 years ago
These things leave me in 2 minds. Sad for these people, and angry that they didn't leave the toxicity sooner
Bleeding-Angel 4 years ago
I understand all of these, I got out of a toxic relationship a few days ago. I feel empty and broken, we were together for 3 years and he messaged me saying he wanted me back but I said no because I don't love him anymore..it hurts a lot.
Staurt Sylvia 4 years ago
Lord Masuka helped reunite I and my husband back after he abandoned me for half a year, contact him today for any help lordmasukaspelltemple@hotmail.com or whatsapp him +1(234)-307-0752
Redfox 5 years ago
Covert narcissist was my toxic person. So subtle in the making you didn't even realise you were being used, till you finally get those, Hey Wait....feelings...question them, you get told you are too needy/sensitive/whatever. Finally dots all make a picture and you question that picture only to be reassured with love and tears it was all a mistake. Yet they continue to SEE that 'mistake' for over 10 years, behind your back....all the while making you look a fool and then you wake up and think, Oh, that's just effing lovely. Then they dump you in the most horrific cruel way, which I won't public talk about here. But 1 year on and loads of counselling I can see that he was indeed a Covert Narcissist with little boy syndrome. I hurt and did the whole snot tears for 3 months, not because I loved and lost, because the REAL man I SHOULD have been with got away....I told HIM I loved this one years ago, and the egg is on my face now. Toxic a/holes ruin trust.
Leslie Burleson 5 years ago
My 17 year old daughter broke up with her boyfriend of three years four months ago . The relationship started out so great . He would bring her gifts , cook her dinner ... he was just great and supportive . He turned into a jerk about a year into the relationship . My daughter suffers from anxiety and depression. He would never support her or comfort her , he would tell her she needed to toughen up. Eventually he started constantly telling her what she was doing wrong , and how it was her fault the relationship wasn't working. She has been heartbroken ever since. She has messaged him a few times to see how he's doing . Once he told her he didn't love her anymore . The second time he said "I've moved on , so should you". I'm going to send her this article ! I think this will help raise the self esteem he destroyed .
SaddBoiiwithaheart 5 years ago
Half of these i need the other side of the story you can't solve a case with just one part of a story
Celtic Pirate Queen 5 years ago
He honestly believed that his happiness was MY responsibility. I told him that was a b******t copout, he was basically saying if he was unhappy (for any reason) it was my fault. I paid for marriage counseling to try to get him to understand why this wasn't right. Well, she was a woman, obviously she was on my side. Also, my wanting to read my new book meant I didn't want to spend time with him and that I didn't love him (same for saying no to sex). No you dumb m**********r, it means I want to read my new book.
Neill Powell 5 years ago
Love this! Please rename the article to "Mainly women complaining about their relationship Male red-flags". No opinions from the other side. The women are attracting and accepting the crazy. That's not the crazy, abusive dude's problem, that's YOUR problem for making poor choices. If the ladies stop lusting after, and trying to date the a******s, perhaps more men would have more reason not to be "that a*****e".
Chris Lee 5 years ago
It's amazing how many posts in the stories are about toxic men but in the comments you get to see that it happens to men as well. Thanks for the extremely bias article.
Kim Lee 5 years ago
Chris, it was based on the submissions to the original post. There are indeed posts from men. Also keep in mind, it is only showing the first few, you have to click the link at the bottom of the post to see the others. It's based on voting.
Load More Replies... Perpetual Peripheral Persons 5 years ago
Complaining about a Toxic Relationship does not make you Emotionally Immature..
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