More and more often do we hear about childfree people who opt for life without kids for various different reasons. And while the societal pressure to have babies is still going strong, women have been more vocal about their life choices.
What we don’t hear that often is the other side of motherhood that challenges the accepted maternal response. But this is changing too, with more women than ever willing to open up about not being satisfied with motherhood in a way society expects them to. This doesn't mean it’s easy—far from that. Women who dare to challenge this explosive taboo and express their regrets are often called “selfish,” “whining,” and even “bad moms.”
“Mothers who regret having children, what made you realize it? And how are you coping?” someone recently asked a daring question on the Ask Women subreddit. It clearly hit a nerve for many women, who saw it as an opportunity to share their complex, yet very valid feelings about being a mom. The thread gives a much-needed perspective from women who question this decision that’s too often taken for granted in our society.
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I love my daughter (7). She is the most precious thing in my life.
But in recent years I have started to regret having a child. Not because of her. She is the most easy going sweet little girl you could ever meet.
Actually I regret having children because of what’s going on in the world. I feel a SEVERE feeling of doom and anxiety when I think about her future. She will probably never be able to afford a house, will struggle with debt, climate change, scarce resources, growing inequality. I am truly terrified and I feel sooo sooo guilty.
If I was childless today I would 100% for sure not have any child now. Despite loving being a mother, the growing despair I see everyday and knowledge things will only get worse on the next 30 years make me regret having children. I love her with all my heart, and I am sad this is the future she will have. I am sad I placed her in this situation. I know many many of my friends with children feel the same.
In terms of coping I try and do my bit, to make society better for her generation, but I know it won’t be. I try and prepare her, support her by saving as much as I can for her (less than 30 GBP per month but ok, it’s all I can afford) to help her in future. To teach her about fairness and self reliance. But it’s a major stress in the back of my mind.
I agree 100%. Life is very difficult for most people and our future does not look bright at all. Bringing a child to this world (and also contributing to overpopulation) is not an ethical thing to do. Instead people should adopt and foster, those children are already born and still need a loving family.
I’m not a good mother. I care about them but I don’t know how to raise them. They are raising themselves with me trying beside them. Generational trauma, insane pedofile bio dad/ex husband. I was too young and groomed.
I traumatized my kids by my ignorance and I can keep trying to learn and grow. And help them. But damage is done. And I wish I could go back and fix me so I could help them but I cant. I will alway support them and when they want to yell at me in 10 years for everything and shut me out. I will get it. Because yeah. F**k man. I’ll keep trying and I’ve had them in therapy. And I’m in therapy and I’m learning. But yeah. I was to young and didn’t know enough. I chose their sperm contributions badly.
You were a victim, and it is not your fault that things turned out this way. I am proud of you for actively trying to make your children's lives better, so they don't suffer like you did! Hang on!
I have two kids, well, now, they're legally adults but mentally they are still 2 years old. They are autistic, developmentally delayed, and have mental disorders to boot. I have gotten zero help from the state, trying to navigate this world is a nightmare. It doesn't help that the whole world is severely under prepared for an aging population, much less an aging disabled population.
I regretted having them the second I found out that they wouldn't be able to care for themselves. I'm so scared for the day that I will have to put them in a home of some sort, because the likelihood of being sexually abused goes up 7x. They won't understand why they can't be at home much less what is happening to them. If I could go back in time I would've never had kids.
None of us have any sort of life or friends. We just stay home everyday, each of us absorbed in the internet until we pass out and the next day starts again. It's horrible.
Bored Panda reached out to Corinne Maier, a French psychoanalyst, award-winning writer and the best-selling author of multiple books including her two famous ones that encouraged readers not to have children (“No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children”) and to unobtrusively slack off at their corporate job (“Hello Laziness“).
“I think many women regret having children. Not all the time but at least from time to time,” Maier told us. “It used to be my case. Now my children are grown-ups, what a relief!” The author added that “for years I had been looking forward to the moment they would leave the family house and be independent.”
What made me regret it? Finding out that everything our society tells women about pregnancy, childbirth and the challenges of raising kids is either an outright lie or totally glossed over so as not to discourage women from having children.
I was shocked to find out how many people were also knowingly complicit: doctors, nurses, older women around me, obviously religious people and men. "Sshh, don't tell them, they might change their mind." Every step of the way has been/is difficult or had/has some heavy challenge associated with it. There are no full disclosures to potential parents, even though the same parents experience of it (and ability to adapt and cope) will directly affect the child.
When I reached out to others for advice, the typical response was "Welcome to my world." What?! Really? You say you love me, but didn't actually warn me how much damage my body and life would take? "Oh, that's normal." Really? I've never seen that discussed honestly and in-depth in any documentary, informational video, or any woman's magazine. At most there is one tiny story, surrounded by lots of messages about how great it will be. This pisses me off to no end.
So, if I could go back, I would not do it. And this is coming from a mom of wonderful child. A child whom I ***have*** warned: "Having a child might ruin your lfe. Don't do it!"
My mental health, all my coping energy is spent on kids so my mh takes a back burner. I'm in therapy but I had them before I found out my struggles are asd/adhd related and will be lifelong. I still work every day to try to make life easier, but 1 one my boys is nonverbal autistic and one I'm sure has asd but on a similar level to me so it's harder than I ever pictured motherhood
oh, that’s gotta be really hard. me and some of my other siblings are autistic, and some assortments of mental problems, but it doesn’t seem to affect my mother very badly. i hope OP will be able to get through this.
I thought my kids would save my life. You hear those stories where your kids “give you a reason to love.” I love them whole heartedly and they are incredible. But I still wake up every morning wishing I didn’t wake up. No amount of therapy or medicine has ever changed my desire to no longer exist
No other person should/can long lasting do this. Only you can change. Only you can fill this hole. You should love yourself. I don’t know how, and I am still on this journey myself. But if you give away control of yourself (like making love of others a key part of your self esteem) you will never know whats coming, and in the end it might not go well. I believe as a stepping stone, mutually agreed (not parent-child, but friendship or partners) it can help you crawl out of the hole, but it should never be indefinitely, as it will either destroy you or the other person involved.
Maier recounted: “I had to push out of them who did not want to go away and I know all the tricks to get rid of big kids, I have written a book about that.” The author also said that “women pay a big price for raising children as far as money, career or freedom are concerned. Let’s not forget that they still do 70% of the housework.”
I was a mother of three. The things that are often mentioned about lack of sleep, autonomy, money etc. are all valid. And they last much, much longer than you expect and they can drive you to near suicide at times. Especially when the second comes along and you're still not getting nearly enough sleep but now you have two on completely different schedules. But they do end, eventually.
But, and this is a big but, my biggest regret is my youngest, because she died at age 6. She had a brain tumour which made her blind and adversely affected her behaviour and she consumed my time and energy completely. Her loss nearly destroyed our family. I would not know the pain that I still feel if she had not been born, and I would not experience the guilt of feeling that things, on a practical level anyway, are now easier without her.
As much as I don’t like admitting this, I regret having my second child (she’s currently 9 months). I love her little face and she can be the cutest, but I was free (my oldest is 15). I got to the point where I didn’t have to do much. My teen is independent and we were slowly transitioning to a friends(ish) type of relationship. Now, I’m starting back at the beginning and I’m all alone again, because my partner works so much. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t say “I hate my life” at least once. The really sucky part is I’m about to go back to work, so on top of being the primary caregiver/homemaker, I’m going to work 40 hours a week. I’m 42 so I’ll be in my 50s before this one is truly independent. I’m trapped and there’s nothing I can do but grin and bear it, and hope I don’t have a nervous breakdown.
I really do sometimes enjoy my son.
But, having him has tied me to an abuser for the next 14.5 years. He still gets to abuse me.
And sometimes I just need quiet time that I can’t get.
I can’t move. I have a relationship that’s long distance and I want to move in with him. I want to leave my state regardless.
But since I have this kid - I can’t.
Coping? I’m ignoring the problem and hoping I don’t come to resent my son.
This one is hard. At least in my country children have a right to their parents (not the other way around though) so even if you leave your abusive partner you have to co-parent with them as long as they have custody or visitation. Many, especially women, struggle with these type of situations and many stay in an abusive relationship because at least they will be able to protect their children etc.
Moreover, Maier argues that society is very severe towards women who say they regret having children. “It is not something that is accepted. So nobody dares to say it. A lot of women even reject the thought - it is a shame not to be soooo happy all the time with your child.”
“Women are supposed to be delighted to give birth and take care of a small child, even if it is very boring, especially for educated and emancipated women who are used to doing interesting things in their lives (friends, culture, meaningful work...),” the psychoanalyst explained.
I love my son, who is 4 next month. I love him so very much.
But I regret having him because I like sleep too much, and days like today where he wakes up at 4am and then doesn't sleep again until 8pm because he doesn't nap anymore... Days when all he does is scream and cry at me. He gets his impatience from me, his anger from me, his sensitivity from me, his attitude from me... He's a perfect reflection of myself and I HATE it. I had a confusing childhood when I was growing up, and it's mentally scarred me so badly that the only way I "remember' my childhood is from my mum telling me her memories of it.
Of course, he makes me laugh too! Children are the funniest people on the planet. He gives nice cuddles, he's sweet when he's not screaming, he's kind, he shares well, he kisses me on the cheek, comforts me when I'm sad...
But I regret having him because I am not going to be the mother he deserves, ever. I'm on anti-depressants but no amount of therapy can actually help me. I feel lost.
Therapy isn't there to "fix" you. It's there to help you navigate your complex self so you can "fix" yourSelf. And you can do it. The first step is to start believing that you can. Every time you have a negative thought that says "I can't,"... you override that with a thought that says, "I can". It takes perseverance... but, like anything, with practice...I think you'll find it get easier. And the negative thoughts become diminished.
When my daughter turned 17 and stopped speaking to me I regretted putting her first her entire life. I think if I was wealthy she’d pretend to care about me now (she’s early 20s). But I’m not, so I’m worthless to her. I derailed my entire life for her. Her dad wanted to abort her and I made her entire life possible. And I thought I made it as good as I could. But whatever it was she needed was not something I could give, which isn’t her fault but her behavior now is. I don’t feel like I even got a chance with her.
I cope by thinking about her in the past tense, making peace with her being gone. Whoever she is now is a stranger to me. I haven’t seen her in years.
It’s not a good feeling. I have a step kid who still visits and my son loves me so I guess that’s a lot more than most people get and I value them so much. I try to focus on them.
Genuine question, but I have trouble believing wealth is the only reason your daughter stopped talking to you. Not to be hurtful but what is her side of the story? What is her reason for cutting ties?
I read it that she is saying her daughter would be around if she was wealthy as she'd hope to benefit from it. This one is hard to be sure about - the son loves her, her step child appears to care so how bad can she be? Though she could have got it wrong with the daughter. Sometimes parents have children who aren't great people and sometimes parents do a bad job. Most of the time it's a mix and this might well be six of one and half a dozen of another.
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This sounds too much to "I birthed you, you are alive because of me so you own me your love". There are plenty of valid reasons to not speak to a mother
As someone that has had to cut a toxic parent out of her life, it was not something I did lightly. I did it so that I could survive and be happy in my life without her manipulation and trauma. I am in therapy to deal with the childhood trauma. We don’t do it lightly so although I am biased - I can’t help reading the victim perspective of my mother in this post and wondering what the daughter went through
That's the thing isn't it? We all read these with our own experiences running through our heads and colouring our reactions. Why would a child cut off a parent? I'd be like you and probably wonder what the parent has done. Yet a friend I've known all my life doesn't see one of their children anymore, ties cut by them. The child went off the rails quite badly. Drugs, alcohol, a debauched life tbh. They stole from their parents, dwindling friends and it was a mess. Yet the parents tried to help/be supportive. May or may not have done some of it awkwardly (I wasn't there for all of it) but their child has blamed them for everything. The other four children don't and feel it's very much their sibling at fault. It's a shame we can't hear the other side really so that we could understand it better.
Load More Replies... this is mostly about the mother being the reason the child is alive. The kid is an entity of itself. I don't think the mother can see the daughter as an independent human. It's all about her and her sacrifices.
Wow. I read some of the responses and.....just wow! Not all were so judgmental, but a lot were. Sometimes it's hard to put a real, painful, difficult story out there. I would have expected more compassion. Yes there are crappy mothers out there, but just that she was willing to post this and tell others says a lot toward this not being the case. That's just my opinion.
The difference between this post and others is that the parent is blaming the child for her regret, other parents are blaming themselves. This lady is selfish and entitled 'I gave you life. I raised you and put you before me, now you need to repay me". I have no sympathy for her.
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“ I regretted putting her first her entire life.” - “I derailed my entire life for her.” - aren’t you SUPPOSED to put your kids first? (Within reason, one should take care of one’s physical and mental health). But… you chose to keep your daughter, lady. That’s what you signed up for.
As you say 'within reason'. One day they leave home and parents need to be able to lead a life with often very little input from their sons and daughters later on. Not because they don't care but people are often very busy with their own lives (and sometimes they don't care!). That aside says she regretted once she got cut off. So that implies she didn't have regrets with the child until this point. Why was she cut off? C**p mother? Possibly. Maybe she only thinks she put her daughter first and didn't. There is also the possibility that the daughter is bloody awful - someone has to give birth to the crappy people and it is not always the fault of their upbringing. My sister and I had the same childhood (if anything she was the favourite) and yet she is, um.. really not a great human. Let's word it like that!! It does happen. I'm playing devil's advocate though. Chances are the mother is less innocent of why it went wrong than she believes.
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I agree with the other 3 comments before me. There is a reason as to why a child turns away from their parent. My mother has a narcissistic disorder, has been gaslighting me all my live and said very terrible things to me. She denies it all. When I finally started getting better a few years ago (was severely depressed all my life) she told me "you were such a nice girl before" - because she could not manipulate me as easily anymore. So after years of trying I stopped all contact 2 years ago - I finally get to feel happy and start to learn who I am without anyone telling me other (terrible) things. My mum tells others that I have a mental disorder and delusions, she "prays for me to finally get the therapy I need" - "she did everything for me but I'm just so ungrateful" etc. So... yeah, I think there must be more to Ops story.
I have experience surviving and confronting.Sometimes young people who have been physically or emotionally abused in childhood need time away from the situation to realize what they grew up in. Then comes the anger and what seems like permanent separation between the parent and the child. How the parent reacts to this can help heal or further fracture that relationship. Denial won't help. Listening and validating, if possible, can help. Even when a parent cannot see the damage they caused, a child may be willing to forgive in time. There is still hope.
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I cut my toxic af mother out of my life two years ago and I know that she says this sort of thing about me all the time. The reality is, no amount of money or "love" is worth my sanity or mental health. If your child has cut you out of their life and you do not do at least some bit of self reflection then it seems obvious that you are (at least in part) the problem.
There are always two sides(or more) to every story. However, if neither side is really to blame or both sides are equally to blame, there's still hope. When the daughter gets older and wiser, she may reach out then to try to mend things. Hopefully, the parent will be wise enough not to make it toxic.
Strange reading the juxtaposition of step child and son loving their mother and a daughter who stopped even talking to her. Have the other two children or at least the son not "derailed" OP's life? Did the mother only put their daughter first for 2 decades? What about other 2 children? Were they not loved as much in the meanwhile? While it's true there are "bad children", OP doesn't write one positive thing about their daughter, painting her the evil thankless child. Perhaps both are better off without the other
I'm with you. My older daughter seems to have made something awful up about me and her siblings side with her. When asked if they still want to be in the will, guess what? Yeah! We can't help what they bring to this planet with them. Good luck!
This is common teen behavior. Hurtful, yes, but there is plenty of evidence that, unless actual abuse is involved, her attitude toward mom may soften as she matures through her twenties. Perhaps some counseling would help mom come to terms with the fact that the only person we can control is ourselves, and that sometimes our kids will not turn out the way we hoped.
This sound like a soapy story my mother is talking about me, ohh how good she was, ohh how much she sacrificed - all manipulating lies for people to feel sad for her. She somehow always forgets to mention how she;d beaten me, abouse me, scrape every bit of my privacy... but yeah, she was the good guy in her eyes. In my country also a good parent, because not an alcoholic. I cut ties, never looked back, 20 years this year.
2 I've tried apologizing for whatever it is I am supposed to have done to no avail. She disconnected her cell phone & I am not allowed to have her new number. She blocked me on Facebook. We moved to Oregon recently, so I sent her her "baby box" and some family photos. I included a card and asked her if she would like the emerald engagement ring her father gave me. No response. I sent her my box of (very nice) Easter ornaments & decorations with another card. No response. I just have to accept the fact that she doesn't want a relationship with me - which stuns everyone in my family, who all know how much giving I had done for her and the girls. Was I perfect? Of course not. But did I make sure she knew how much I loved and valued her? Absolutely.
1/2 I can totally relate to this one. My daughter is now 32 and stopped speaking to me about 5 years ago, after years of being incredibly close. She hung out at my house all the time. I babysat my granddaughter (her oldest, she has 3 girls now) almost every weekend from the time she was about 6 weeks until she was over 4. I constantly gave her money, food and home goods (toilet paper, etc). I was the one she called at 3am when her boyfriend was being abusive. My (then bf, now husband) got a job offer in San Diego, so we moved. Daughter & I Skyped all the time. I'm still not really sure what happened, but apparently every bad decision she's ever made is somehow my fault. Pregnant at 15 - all me. Lousy choices in men - all me. Never enough money - all me. The bottom line is she felt abandoned when we moved and told my husband (via email) what a monster I was when she was growing up. He knows this isn't true because he was around us for several years before we moved.
I know how it hurts. I have one son who is wonderful, and another who has nothing to do with me and I don't know why. He moved with my DIL and two grandkids without telling me where they went, he wiped his socials so I can't contact him that way and will not take my phone calls or messages. I really want to know why, when we had parted on good terms the last time I saw them.
I am going to give this lady the benefit of the doubt because I have seen this thing first hand. Girl I went to high school with did this. We were neighbors, I was at her house all the time. Her parents were normal, albeit very goofy, parents. We were all struggling and lived in a trailer park in the south. Probably not what you are picturing. Nice little yards, clean places, a playground. But no one there was running the world. If I remember correctly, her mom was a "care assistant" at a home for older folks, and her dad worked various unskilled construction labor. They were nice people who made dinner for my grandparents, (I stayed with them), when they got the flu. When we headed off in different directions I lost track of her till about 10ish years after HS. Asked about her parents and her whole face crinkled. Turns out she didn't want anyone in her world, (she was a paralegal dating a lawyer), to know she had once lived in a trailer park.
Kids don't stop talking to their parents for no reason. I do not have any interaction with my mother because she is racist and ignored the fact my sister was raped when she was 12 after getting kicked out of our house by my mother's alcoholic, abusive husband. My mother devoted much of her life to me, and there is not one person on this earth I hate more and think so little of. I feel I am justified because my mother may have loved me but she is a terrible person who only loved me because I was the only one young enough and dumb enough to love her back when I was a kid.
I'm sorry OP, but your daughter didn't ask you to sacrifice your life for her. She didn't demand that you make her life possible and she doesn't owe you anything for the choices YOU made. I am genuinely sorry that your relationship is broken but perhaps if you feel her values are wrong you should have a genuine look at your role - these things are rarely one sided. This post is why we should stop demanding mothers sacrifice their entire lives for their children... it creates martyrs and guilts children.
Its a red flag for m when adult children cut their parents off. I feel you are blaming her and lacking responsibility
There has to been more to this story for sure….. no way is your daughter not talking to you because of wealth….
I'd love to hear your daughters side of the story. I've gone NC with my sperm donor over a decade ago. If someone were to ask him, I'm the unappreciative daughter who cant find a happy medium and be kinder to him, in reality; he broke literally EVERY promise hes ever made, lied to me and my mother, ignored my sister and I. He was sexist, and emotionally neglectful. There is always 2 sides to a story.
This is a difficult one because people generally don't cut contact with their family without good reason.
I grew up emotionally neglected. My parents weren't bad people and I'm sure they tried their best but apparently similar to your daughter, it was not what I needed and the contact with my parents is now very saddening and hurtful for me, simply because it brings back this feeling of being unloved. My parents also never understood my position and I'm tired of talking against a wall. Thus, I've broken up contact with my father and have only very limited one with my mother. Next to my depression and diabetes I just have no energy to deal with this additional burden though my parents likely feel similar to you. I'm pretty sure she has her reasons for her behaviour.
DBT therapy could really help you unpack your relationship with your daughter and how to go about fixing it.
So what was the reason the daughter stopped talking? Because the mom wasn't useful?
I odd in that I have grandchildren without ever having had children. I married a woman with two grown children (17 & 21) and now I'm a grandfather of 3 granddaughters.
Witnessing what I have as a grandfather has made my decision to have a vasectomy at 27 the single best one of my entire life. I am waaaaay to selfish with my time and money, and it would have totally ruined my marriage to have kids of our own.
I didn't realize that a maternal instinct is not universal. You know how you see parents in the delivery room and they are crying tears of joy? I felt nothing. Honestly, I could have left them at the hospital and it wouldn't have bothered me. I usually have no desire to spend time with them at all. I love them and have a strong sense of duty I just don't enjoy them or want to do any of the things they do. However I spent their whole lives going out of my way to care for them in every way a good mother should. My boys are well cared for and I am always here for them, but it feels very unnatural and fake and unenjoyable. It is a bit like a retail job you don't like where you put on a fake persona and slog through it the best you can. I don't get to leave this job, though. The worst is how I'm demonized for it. I've done eveverything I can for them for 16 years including all the extra curriculars (kids baseball is agonizing to fake enjoy I swear) and it has never been easy. Shouldn't I get more credit than those moms who love nothing more than spending time with their kids? That doesn't sound hard to me. Nope..I fail because I want my own life.
I wonder how that person's life is in other regards. Not feeling joy for your newborn baby could be symptom of a postpartum depression that was never discovered and treated. It happens if you are not very catious... If that person cannot feel much joy about other things that happens in life, but manages to do it anyway, it could be high functioning depression. Things may appear fine on the outside, however if you manage to "look under the hood" you will see a completely different picture, however people are rarely allowed to get that close.
We also spoke with a mother, u/zuklei, who shared her story in response to this thread. She wrote: “I really do sometimes enjoy my son. But, having him has tied me to an abuser for the next 14.5 years. He still gets to abuse me.” The woman told us that she still has PTSD from domestic violence and wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until 39.
“Having a child ties me to my abuser until the abuser dies, my son is 18, or I somehow convince the court that 50/50 isn’t best for my son,” she said. “I can’t unwind when I have my son. He’s sweet and lovable but I don’t want to be around him. He demands I play games with him and really, it’s just him ordering me around and treating me like his dad did,” the woman shared.
She added that sadly, she’s beginning to resent him for losing quiet time and for keeping her chained to his father. “I'm going to end up being a bad parent if I’m not already,” she concluded in a heartbreaking statement.
I can pretty much echo everyone else's responses. It's even harder when you're a strong introvert. It's driven me into on again/off again depression. I've been on medication since our first one was born. The 2nd one was a stupid mistake (plan B also didn't work). I've since got a vasectomy, although I should've gotten one after the 1st was born. Stuck with an infant and a toddler now. I'm also a father who stays at home, so that comes with its own societal bullshit. I've been shopping at Target with my kid by myself and gotten comments like "It's just weird seeing a dad doing the shopping." Go f**k yourself.
See fathers out with their children all the time - in shops, playgrounds, at the sea, taking them to school and back. Seems weird that people think anything of it these days. I'm often chatting to parents because their little ones want to pet my dogs. These days I swear I see near enough equal numbers of mums to dads outside of working hours (more mums during Monday to Friday still but I do know a few SATDs). Never occurred to me that this was considered unusual anymore.
Gave up my autonomy for the child, who grew up autistic and now has purged me from her life at age 25
This one desperately needs more context. No adult child would suddenly cut ties with their family for no reason. There is always a reason, and being frugal with words while trying to get sympathy is absolutely a red flag.
I regret being part of generational trauma where the hurts hang ups and hangups of one generation damage the next generation. I was damaged by my parents. I was not able to talk it out with my parents and feel forgiveness for them and move on. My hurts hang ups and habits caused me to pick a troubled husband with infertility issues. We had children after many trials and much expense and divorced when they were of age. . One grown child has several mental health issues, does not work, and is hard to talk to. I love that child deeply. The other grown child has detached from me and the other family members.i love that child so much. As a divorced woman I realized my regrets especially on holidays. My ex and I worked so hard and sacrificed so much so the kids could have love and braces and education, activities, health care and trips and all of it, but now I spend holidays alone. The kids don't seem happy. They don't want to get together with me. No one says I love you to me. No hugs or feelings like it was all worth it.
Because kids aren't the life completer we believe they are. Actually they take away from your quality of life daily. My kids are 13 and 11 and they STILL mess up my daily life. Worst of all is I love them so much I couldn't do without them even though they disturb my peace all the time. I do not reccomend having children. Maybe one but not necessary. We perpetuate the species needlessly.
Wow. This is an eye opener. It shows how personal some things are to people...and all advice may not be the right advice for every person. If I did not have kids and took this advice...my life would be SO different. I am 100% the total and complete opposite of this commenter. My kid has INCREASED the quality of my life so much, that no matter what they "messed up" in regards to life quality, it pales in comparison. I have learned so much from her and because of her and enjoyed it immensely. I would have experienced NONE of that if I had taken the advice of folks like this poster. She is not wrong, and her opinion is just as valid as any other mothers'...but it opened my eyes to how the same act can be so different and mean completely different things to various people.
All you need is a special needs kid to think something along the lines of "I wouldn't want him to die or anything, but if I could go back to before he was conceived I'd do things differently."
I’ve never understood why some people are against in utero genetic testing. Wouldn’t you want to know if you were likely going to have a special needs child so you can prepare or decide to abort?
I have a preschooler.
Things I don’t like: can’t go anywhere alone. Can’t have quiet time to myself unless they’re sleeping. Always being touched. Always being asked to do things that they can’t do on their own. Having to do daily care tasks for them like bathing & making meals. Always worried they’re going to do something bad when I’m not looking & get hurt. Not being able to move because I don’t have family or friends to help. I only have their dad & his family.
Things I do like: their laugh. Cuddles at bed time. Experiencing their imagination. Sharing funny things together. Hearing about their day. Hugs. Teaching them how to be a good person. Imagining how they’ll be as they get older.
I regret having a kid and I realized it once I became single and had to do these things on my own. I couldn’t leave them with the dad anymore. I’m just waiting it out and hoping it gets better once they’re able to be home alone for a couple hours.
"Always being touched" is a big one not many people mention. I'm sure it's incredibly exhausting and overstimulating when you're already tired, already stretched too thin, and the touches and attention this little person requires just keeps sending you into sensory overload. That's yet another one on my list of reasons why I won't have kids.
I regret having my son more than I don’t. I love him. I want to not regret having him. However, I have anxiety, depression and ADHD. I cannot multitask, I don’t deal well with loud noises or lots of different noises at once, I’ve always struggled if I get less than 8 hours sleep, and I constantly second guess my decisions as a parent. I’m an exclusively single mother, so no back-up/second parent. I’m exhausted most days.
So how I cope- I’m in therapy weekly, I try to raise my son to be independent (instead of always reliant on me), I tell my son when I need quiet time and I try to take it maybe an hour a day on weekends. I have a babysitter come once a week so i have a night to myself. (I’m an introvert so I don’t need to always go out with others, but need time to myself.) My therapist mentioned focusing on little positive things. I struggle to understand the phrase “children are a blessing” so my therapist works with me on finding little moments that are positive and celebrating those instead of focusing on the overarching big negative things. I also try not to worry about the future (mine, my sons, how he will do in life) because focusing on this isn’t helpful. It isn’t perfect and every day is still hard, but I think I’m moving towards a happier place.
ETA: it’s probably also relevant that my work profession has one of the highest suicide rates and is also very mentally draining. I love what I do and feel that I am good at it, but it is grueling.
I’m sorry for what this poster is dealing with but so impressed with the coping skills and mitigations. This parent is absolutely killing it and should be so proud of how hard they are working to look after themselves and their child. Im sorry they’re struggling but this post is a great example of a self aware and caring parent.
Honestly, I'm not a good mother. I'm not as abusive as my own, but I still didn't have the tools and knowledge needed to be a good parent. I was 16, and though I tried, I simply fell very short and became an alcoholic. My kids have dealt with a lot from me the past 3-4 years so I'm just trying to give them thier space and live their lives, while I continue to struggle with mine. I love them, they are incredible human beings, but if I'd been older maybe I'd have done better. I can't remove the trauma I've inflicted on them, but hopefully I can stop making it. I fear so much them having their own (all cis daughter's, as far as I know.) Will I also be a disappointment as a grandmother? Will they let me in my grandchildren's lives? Do I want to be? As well as the anxiety I have as a millennial? Is it even wise for them to have children? Wait do they thank that and then wont? Will there even be a future for them? My girls have all made it to "adulthood" without becoming pregnant, and I'm morbidly proud of that. First generation non teen moms. Sorry this question triggered me a bit, I miss them on this holiday, and I've been drinking. But that's the truth, I regret so much, but not their existence.
Edit, cause...
I wasn't ready to stop being selfish. I'm only two years in so it's still the intense stage, but parenting so far has just been relentlessly exhausting. I feel like having a kid closed off a lot of possibilities for me, definitely killed any semblance of spontaneity in my life.
Mines nearly 7 and it gets so much better. I’m obsessed with him and miss him when he’s at school. On the flip side. So much talking.
Two friends of mine had a kid together. This is exactly what they told me. Nothing spontanious happens anymore, everything has to be planned and as a result of that, they are never invited to anything anymore, because they cant come anyway. Now that I type this I realise I am having a BBQ with my (other) friends tonight and didnt even bother to invite them (out of politness) because I know they cant make it anyway
I don't think that it's polite to exclude them on the presumption that they can't make it.
I had a miscarriage after an accidental pregnancy at 16 and was so depressed for a year, me and my boyfriend (at the time, now husband) decided to try for another one. I am still thinking wtf was I thinking!? I love love love my son (now 5) and my daughter who’s turning 2 in the summer but oh my god I should have waited. I missed out on a lot and my teenage brain thought it would be easy or something. In the back of my mind I knew it would be hard but I thought it couldn’t be that hard. I also struggle with many mental health issues which do not help; anxiety, depression, ptsd, add, autism and so it is a struggle!! Especially with very active kids I would love to just sleep all day again like the summer when I was 15, it was probably the last time I was mostly mentally ok and felt free. I still dream about it a lot, I think it may be an escape from the stress and guilt of having my babies before I was ready to be a mama. I still try my hardest to give them a better childhood than I had though. Also I was 115 pounds when I got pregnant with my first after my second I am now 201 and it’s so uncomfortable and makes me not want to leave my house. I’ve always been able to lose weight quick but something about my second pregnancy made my body stop losing weight. I still do everything I did before she was born and it feels impossible. There should be better sex Ed in America.
There was better sex ed in America and there can be again. Don't wait for politicians (from school boards to legislatures) to make this possible. Give yourself a purpose for the future - educating other adolescent, young and dreamy women about reality. In the USofA, women must once again rise up and, not only demand better education and care, but provide it!
Destroyed marriage via:
Forget passionate love make (it becomes a chore) when kids start walking
The things you did together, you can no longer do, together, or very rarely
The things you enjoyed individually, can not be replicated either
Forget unwind time, personal space, etc...
Over years people change, and nothing accelerates change as having another depend being (or three).
That's for the marriage bit.
Then there's work/life balance which goes out the f**king door. The stress at work, and the increasing stress of job market, you do not have the luxury of coming come to dissipate. What happens is that you come home after a nasty, stressful day, and the stress is COMPOUNDED with home/kids problems. Have that for years...
I love my kids, I'd STILL have them, but there are sacrifices people are not prepared for. I've seen marriages destroyed, homes destroyed, I've seen mental breakdowns, drugs usage, etc...
Yeah, kids don't necessarily make a marriage stronger. The roughest patch that my wife and I had was after our son was born.
I love my daughter so much.
But I'm not a good mother. I have so many of my own problems -- fibromyalgia, C-PTSD, can barely work, no degree and certainly no real career -- and she has so many of her own -- ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder, and probably autism too -- that raising her is so very difficult. I'm at my wit's end just trying to do baseline stuff, like work and clean the house and cook, and then add on all of our appointments and the fact that just talking to her can be an ordeal, never mind parenting her.
I have no idea how I can raise her to be a functioning adult, and let alone survive raising her. This week itself has already been a nightmare, an utter, utter nightmare. My depression and anxiety have gotten severe again, so much that my s*icid*l ideation is back (I was discharged from therapy in 2020 because I was coping so well, and now I'm not again).
That's not even counting the fact that it's a terrible time in history to have kids. I don't even know what her world is going to look like when she graduates from high school in ten years.
I love kids and babies, and I wanted a big family. I'm dying on the inside that my brother is having a baby with his wife and I shouldn't/won't/can't have one with my fiance (not my daughter's bio dad, which was an abusive POS). I'm grieving over what life has taken from me in so many ways, and I'm just struggling to survive at this point.
*sighs*
mental illness runs in fammilies. So if you have some kind of mental illness that you are suffering from, why would you force the same kind of suffering onto another human being, and having to cope with double the trouble? I think the world would be a better place if more people did some critical evaluation of exactly what it would be that they are creating, before breeding. We do not breed on the worst performing animals, and the same should to some extend also go for humans, where we should not let our own selfish needs should not trumph the wellbeing of another person we can create and form. (said by er person who has chosen to remain childless as he has deemed his own genes unsuitable for propergation)
My daughter was born mentally disabled. I alway tell myself it could be worse, that there are kids who just shake back and forth in wheelchairs... thing is she is happy now but has no concept of death and I can only imagine what it will be like when her mother and I are gone. She will be institutialized and abused probably.
Ideally you should sort out the home she'll need before you both die. Don't let it happen to her after the last one of you dies. Do it early enough and gradually so she gets used to it. Prevents it being so much more of a shock when she loses her parents and gets placed in a home. Also then you can monitor and make sure she is happy. Appoint guardians who will do this after your death if you can.
I am struggling with constant anxiety and stress from work spilling over into my few hours at home and making us all miserable. My boys are at the age where they are ruining EVERYTHING in the house I rent. It’s going to cost me thousands to repair it before we move.
We don’t struggle for money, but only because I work constantly. I put way to much responsibility on my oldest daughter despite having a full time nanny. I feel like I’m losing control of everything, and a deep depression is setting in. Constantly fighting thoughts of just giving up.
"Boys at an age where they are ruining everything" - sounds more like can't cope with parenting them and putting in the time and effort required to stop it (working full time makes that hard!). Children can be destructive but you can't just let them get on with it unfortunately. Though you have a full time nanny as well? Why aren't they stopping it? Clearly she needs help with the depression and maybe a tougher nanny!! Feel sorry for the oldest daughter as well.
They spend all your resources. Eat all your food. Loud as f**k all the time. Having a child costs a lot of money. You can't just do what you want anymore, you need permission from who ever is going to watch your child.
Sounds like you didn't overthink having a kid AT ALL! Don't blame a kid for having to eat and needing a bit of attention....
My life turned into a living hell when my oldest son was a teenager. He started using drugs at 14, he was arrested for breaking into cars at around the same age. Things continued to escalate and we had no control of him, we tried everything. He continued to use drugs, he sold drugs. The state of Florida has a law that the parents are responsible for the minor until the age of 18. He could not be emancipated because he was not financially independent and we couldn't afford to support him outside of our home. So we were forced to keep him in our home. It was 4 years of living hell, I had 2 breakdowns and our marriage was torn apart. He was a good kid until age 14, smart in school, and neither my husband nor I used drugs. There's no guarantee how your kid will turn out.
And why isn't he in jail? I don't mean to be rude because I know this is devastating for you . My best friend's grandson went to jail for 2 years when he was 17 for the same crimes as your son. We are also in Florida, and unfortunately, he gets out in November. I am so sorry that you went through a mental breakdown and a divorce. I hope that you are getting the help that you need. And I know that having a "good child" go down the wrong path is hurtful. I watched my father, who had Alzheimer's go from being ok, to dead, in less than a month, when he realized what my sibling had done. I hope that things get better for you and your family.
...got two kids... both teenagers now. The eldest has anxiety and depression... sometimes I wonder how my wife and I have managed to stay married through it all. We love both our kids more than anything, but having one with mental health issues is just exhausting. You start to anticipate the crazy as you're driving home from work. Almost nothing gets her out of her moods, and it weighs heavy on all the relationships in the household. She does therapy and meds, and they help some, but it's like she's just hell bent on seeing the worst possible view of everything. So then you imagine the life that this person you love is likely to lead, given this tendency, and it's just depressing. It gets hard to maintain hope.
"Regret" is a strong word, but if we could go back to when she was little and happy, and just stay there, it would be a lot better.
Oh. I have mental health issues (I know this isn't either of my parents, since they have 11 kids). I wonder if, deep down, this is how they think? Or if they don't think it now, I wonder if that's how they thought of me before I got on medication and improved my mental health drastically. If you'll excuse me, I'll be contemplating my life for a bit.
I regret it because I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. I feel like I got pressured into it by my wife. She wouldn't take no for an answer. Well we got f**ked on the first pregnancy and had twins. Had only been married a year ish. After that my marriage went way past the shitter and just got worse. After a while it got better and then she wanted another kid. I still didn't want the first two but I gave in. Now we have three. I'm even more miserable. I feel stuck and I can't please everyone. I work a shit ton so my wife has them most of the time. Whenever I discipline them she screams at me because I'm not doing it her way. I'm constantly belittled by her and always told I'm doing something wrong. I actually hate my life. I've contemplated offing myself a few times but would feel bad for doing that to my kids. NOT my wife, my kids. I wake up every day hating myself, my life, and every f**king choice I've ever made. If I could go back in time I would beat the shit out of myself with a crowbar for even contemplating getting married. Literally would do anything to start over and be single for ever. I'm only 25 but I never would have thought I would hate life this much when I was 18.
Please think about relationship therapy or marriage counselling. If nothing else, a divorce is also an option. Ending your life rarely is :(
I will start by saying I never wanted kids. I was married at 20, had my first kid by 21, second kid by 22. First kid is out on his own.. And let me tell you his 18th birthday couldn't come fast enough so he could move out. Second kid is moderately to severely affected by autism. She will never hold a job or live on her own. I never got to enjoy my 20's or 30's. I never will be able to take the amazing vacations that my friends all plaster Facebook with. I will never have free time with my husband because no one wants to watch an autistic low functioning 20 year old. Hell, there's not even leaving her at home alone for a few hours to go shopping or watch a movie or anything. My husband had to quit his job to become a stay at home dad for her because there are no decent services for adults with autism. We had to move away from friends and family just to find a decent school for her. Kids take so much time and money and energy. Having a disabled one is even more physically and mentally draining. I love my children. More than I can ever express. They never asked to be brought into this world. I have an obligation to care for my daughter because no one else will. There will never be an end for us as far as "raising" our kid then having her leave home so we can live our lives. I do become sad about missing out on things. Adventures and trips and vacations. But we modify our plans to include her. We are lucky because our daughter is sweet and a lovely girl. I can't even imagine how hard life is for her. I at least am able to make my own choices, have friends, and work and love. These things are probably not going to be available to her. So I guess I don't really regret having kids, I regret having a child who has to live every day with autism. For her, not me.
I was ready, or so I thought. However my wife was not. After delivering she sank into post-partum depression and I was the only one doing things for the first year. She's never done as much as me, and always has an excuse. I have lost all my friends because I have all the problems of a single parent and I still have to earn enough to support my wife and kid.
Oh I didn't mention she does the bare minimum at home AND has no job or income? Well that is the case. I have a good paying job to facilitate this, but I hate it.
So why don't I get a divorce? Because I don't want to share my kid. She (for some inscrutable reason) would fight me for custody, plus since we've been married over a decade , she'd also be entitled to alimony. Forever. So I'd give up seeing my kid every day and over half my income. It just isn't worth the deal. Sex stopped being important to me years ago and I already decided that if I ever find myself single again, I will NEVER get married again.
Long story short folks, don't marry someone who isn't capable of moving past the "me first" phase of their life. And if you are one of those people, please don't have kids.
*edit: the kid is 6, so it's not like I'm new to this situation.
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I don't care about my son.
I got my then gf pregnant by accident, and her being her Christian self didn't want to abort it. Our relationship was always off the wall, she always had plans for our "future", but I didn't even want to marry her, but I never told her.
Boom comes baby, I loved him to death since I first laid eyes on him. I bought him everything I could, everything was for him. GF has post partum depression and tells me she doesn't love me anymore, I tell her it's the depression talking, so we try to mend it. A year later she cheats and leaves me, moves to 7 different states and takes baby. I try to track her down but in the end it was futile. I was heartbroken from her, and especially my son.
7 years later she goes back to live in my hometown and says she wants me to see my son (in the end it was only because she wanted child support). I had already moved on, made my career in engineering, got married, and we have a beautiful baby girl on the way. She takes my son and we finally meet, it was really awkward and I didn't know what to say. He spends every other week with me, but it's like having a stranger in the house. It's been 2 years of this and I don't feel any connection to him. He's a good kid, doesn't pull any tantrums, is respectful, loves his sister, but I just don't love him. It makes me feel guilty. I don't really regret him, per se, but to me, he just feels like an outsider from a life I tried to move on from.
Not to be rude OP, but the son is suffering because of this. It's not your fault, but I kind of feel you still have an obligation to him as his bio-dad. It's not your fault the mom moved away of course, but I feel you're keeping him out emotionally because of how things turned out in the past, so you're punishing your son for what your ex did. If both his mom and his dad kind of pass him off as a burden, he's going to grow up scarred. If you want to let him into your life, maybe get some professional help with that.
Gave up my everything for the child/ren. Had a horror show up when the youngest was about 7 and there was a judgement against a father for leaving his kids home alone and they were under 12. I remember being a latchkey from 7 on and was left for hours. I was planning on going looking for work when the oldest turned 12. When that came in, I realized that of the two of us, I was the one responsible for being there at home for the kids, not him, because children's services was on a rampage to get parents to comply to their insane demands. I had to stay at home because the eldest was not reliable and I couldn't leave the younger ones alone for 20 minutes.
I regret because I stopped doing art. Crafting, sure. Art was put behind me. The worst part about it is that I know my ex husband threw out my big black sketchbook that I started when I was 17.
This one makes me uncomfortable. "Children's services was on a rampage to get parents to comply with their insane demands" and "I had to stay at home because the eldest was not reliable and I couldn't leave the younger ones alone for 20 minutes." Just because you were on a latchkey from 7 and left for hours doesn't make it okay to do this to your children. Plus, why should the eldest be doing your parenting for you? Why do you think the demands were insane? Sounds more to me like they were reasonable demands she didn't like (eg BE THERE for the children). I know these services sometimes get it wrong but generally speaking they're trying to do right by the children. I could be wrong but most of the mistakes we read about are when social workers have ignored red flags, believed stories by neglectful or abusive parents and not investigated enough. I am happy to be corrected if I have misread and misunderstood (it is a muddled story).
I just had my fist child 3 weeks ago and I got pregnant for not taking my birth control right. I could’ve went to get the abortion pill but I decided not to I couldn’t do it and now I feel so bad for my son for bringing him Into this world knowing I can’t even afford him a good doctor or his own room. On top of that I had my son with someone that I don’t even think wants to be with me my boyfriend has been supportive and done his part for our son but I feel like he is just with me because we have. A baby now not because he loves me. We have been together for 3 years and not once has he talked about marriage and I don’t think he will be the person I spend my whole life with he acts so different with me now compared to when we first started dating. I honestly just regret having my son because of my bad decisions now I have to work extra hard for him and who knows if I’ll ever get to go back to college because it so expensive having a babysitter too
I"m sure by now, my comment will be lost, but here goes.
My kids are the worst thing that every happened to me. And the best.
I have three kids, 8, 16, and 18.
The #3, at 2, got a blood disorder and we spent many months in Children's Hospital. Were it not for the ACA kicking in for kids a year early, we'd have gone bankrupt.
Child #2, at 12, became depressed and suicidal. Prior to that, she'd be been the "easy" kid who had tons of friends, was smart, talented and easy going. We've spent 4 years in family based therapy and in and out of mental health hospitals.
Child #1 was different from the day he was born. No one believed me because I was a new mom and didn't know anything. Trust me. He was different. After NUMEROUS rounds of therapy--including one where the therapist said I secretly hated my son because I secrectly hated my father--I discovered he had Aspergers. Elementary school and middle school were Hell with various phone calls to and from the school. In High School things slightly better and began "growing into himself." He also started getting REALLLLLY thirsty and REALLLY hungry. And congrats, you have Type 1 diabetes!
In all of this, my husband got laid off during the Recession, right when the baby got sick. Hasn't worked since, so I'm the sole breadwinner.
Needless to say, this isn't what I imagined being a parent would be like.
But as I said earlier, they are also the best thing that every happened to me.
I can see now, that without them, I would be a very different person. Probably a pretty lonely, unloved person. My kids have made me a much better person. I'm very introverted and I doubt that I'd have come out of my shell the way I have.
Believe it or not, I doubt my husband and I would still be married if we didn't have kids. I just think we would have gotten very wrapped up in our careers and likely drifted apart.
I've become more empathetic to others misfortunes. I know that good parents are flawed people who do they best that they can every single day.
I know that I'm ultimately raising good kids who will hopefully look back on all of this and realize that they are better people for their struggles.
My 8 yo wants to be a nurse because she remembers the nurses who helped her when she was in the hospital-- and because of seeing her brother deal with diabetes.
My 16 yo is studying to be a vet tech and is awesome with animals. She's very sensitive and I could see her doing something with animal therapy.
My 18 yo is studying to be a welder and is super creative-- writing, drawing, inventing.
It's a tough answer because what I regret is what we've had to go thru. But yet, going thru all of that has made us, ultimately, better people.
I love both my sons but if I could do it all again I wouldn't. I got pregnant young and did not know that I would pass my bipolar onto them. They both suffer from really bad depression. Trying to raise them when I was in and out of hospitals was hard and did them a disservice. Now they are grown and they rarely make time for me. Mother's Day and my birthday is a quick text or mention on Facebook. My youngest tells me I'm the only family member that accepts him when he has mental issues but that's the only time I ever hear from him. The oldest is even worse. I cry on a regular basis that I wish they would be closer to me. Long story short I did my best but it didn't matter.
I’m a mother to a 9yo M. And i have regretted having him since he was just weeks old. I really hoped that I would grow out of this as he got older. But I haven’t. I’ve just found new things to dread or worry about as a parent. The best way I deal with it is having a friend or two that I go to coffee with a couple times a week. And spending a day or two at home alone while he’s at school.
I love my children more than anything else in this world. Words can not describe the type of love I feel for them. But at the same time, I do regret having them. I regret being the person that I have become as a parent. I was always carefree and spur of the moment.. now I'm careful and if plans aren't set in stone, they likely won't happen.
I always said I would never have children. I hate kids..I do. I am just not that type of nurturing person. I was always very careful to make sure protection was in use (condoms, birth control) but I am that .1% and apparently very fertile.
I do not have that natural motherly instinct that all women seem to have, you know..that one that kicks in the moment they know they're pregnant. I have to work really hard at it and it's exhausting. I miss my solitude and being able to "check out" of reality from time to time.
With all that being said, there is not a thing I wouldn't do for my children. They will always be my babies. They are amazing little creatures. My boys play travel baseball and I wouldn't trade long nights at the ball fields for anything. Watching them play is one of the greatest joys in my life. Still, I often find myself wondering what life would be like without them.
I come from a broken up family and never wanted that for my kids. I wanted a full family with no step parents or split visitation. I'm now a single father of two who have different mom's. I really wanted things to work but they just never did. My one kid has a mom who has now went three weeks without seeing him because she has refused to do an 8 hour drug class I paid for. My other son's mom is great though and we do 50/50 outside of court so that's nice, but I still wish things weren't this way. My regret isn't exactly having kids, it's having them with people I mistakingly thought were who I would be with the rest of my life.
I don't regret having my kids so much as keeping them. I feel badly that I'm their mother and my husband is their father, because we've made some serious mistakes and they have had to deal with that. I was 17 when I had my oldest two (twins) and I genuinely did not understand how much my brain was still changing and how unprepared I was and how unprepared I would remain. The first few years I felt like I really did pretty well --- not even "pretty well for a teen mom", I thought I was a pretty excellent mom overall. As I've gotten older and more self aware that has changed.
This isn't a constant crushing feeling or anything, just something that hurts from time to time and I try and deal. And again, I don't regret having them; I understand that I'm biased but I truly believe that all four of them are wonderful people and the world is a much better place with them in it. But I regret not handing them over to someone who would've done a better job.
I love my 3 year old, but I failed him already. I got pregnant at 17 and I had him at 18. Dad and I split when I was only about 3-4 months along. Dad has a s**t ton of mental health issues and I couldn’t stand him any longer. I have my own set of issues and traumas that I haven’t fully dealt with yet also. When my son was first born I was living with a physically abusive boyfriend and wasn’t able to bond with my son like he needed, because I was too busy trying to protect us. My son now lives with my godparents in another state, and I’m now married to a wonderful man who’s in the military. I’m slowly but surely getting my s**t together and I’ll be starting school in the summer to get my associates degree so that I can fufill my goal of becoming a social worker. I feel immense guilt every single day that I brought a life into this world that I couldn’t mentally or financially care for. Once my husbands contract is up, we’re moving back to my home state where my son is and I’m going to give this “mom” thing another shot. My son deserves it.
I really hope OP doesn’t try to rip her son out of his current life with his godparents just because she wants to give the “mom” thing another shot with him (because of regret or ego). Her son likely thinks of his godparents as his parents. I don’t know how long he’s been living with them, but if he has a good life with them and the godparents are willing to continue as his de facto parents, OP would be doing her son a disfavor by taking him out of the stability he’s known. Maybe she just means she’ll be a part of his life and slowly spend time with him, but I hope for her son’s sake that she doesn’t just go “okay, give me my son back now.” I don’t know OP, and it sounds like she’s really getting her life on track and that’s great, but some bits of her story do sound a little scary.
I love my boys more than I ever thought I could. However... it's Saturday night and I'm covered in baby vomit with the baby refusing to sleep anywhere else but on me. He will wake about 3 times between now and when the toddler wakes at 6am. I'm carrying 20kg more than I'm comfortable with and have no clothes that fit. I feel guilt for so many choices I make.
There are times I regret having my second baby because it's so hard to juggle the needs of two and still find time for my needs. People tell me it will get easier but for now, I'm hating it.
Three words: Pervasive developmental delay...
Those three words call my entire existence into question. I basically brought someone into this world to have a shitty time.
I have 3 kids and quite frequently wish I had 0. I never wanted kids and knew I wanted more from my life than dirty diapers and minivans. I was ok with the first 2 but the 3rd really made me question everything again. This is not what I want to be doing with my life. I had my kids at such a young age (15, 19, 24 ) that I don't stand a chance at doing anything significant with my life other than saying hey I raised 3 more humans. Your welcome. What an accomplishment.
I got my girlfriend unexpectedly pregnant. When we found out I didn't want to keep it- we are young, working shitty jobs and not emotionally ready for kids. But for some reason I was foolish enough to allow myself to be dragged into it. Our daughter is 10 months old.
I recently graduated but still havent found a job, and my girlfriend just started school again. We're basically just living off of our parents and its pretty pathetic. I just started a new job and one of my coworkers asked me what my hobbies were, and I had to scramble to make something up- I have none now. Im just a boring person now. All I do is come home to crying and screaming and b**hing. I have lost all but my closest friends. Basically, I feel like my life had all this great potential that has now been snuffed out. I really do love my kid though, shes beautiful and probably the only thing that brings me any intermittent joy anymore. But deep down I really do just feel like killing myself, because emotionally I am dead already.
I love my daughter. But, since she was born, our marriage just took a seat on the back burner. Forget about spontaneous sex. That shit went out the window. We are lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a month. Sleep? I. F**king. Wish! I don't necessarily regret having my daughter, but goddamn do I miss the former life my wife and I once shared. I miss just hanging out at home on a Saturday night, watching...well, anything the hell we wanted!! I miss those simple road trips. I miss those simple trips to the grocery store. You realize you are a parent the minute you find yourself at the grocery store , your wife: at home with the kid, and you: just mindlessly wondering the isles looking for...shit, it doesn't really matter. You are out, not hearing the crying and screaming of your kids. It's funny, I never thought using the bathroom would one day be considered "me time ".
Some days it's hard not to regret it. I have a 6 year old with severe ADHD (brain trauma at birth), and an autistic 4 year old still in diapers. My wife is active military and I had to leave a very lucrative job to take care of them. I love them, but occasionally I have to chant that to remind myself that I do.
When my kids were young, Columbine happened. I realized that I had brought kids into a terrible world. I regretted it for a long time. Then they had heartbreak from young love, and I regretted it again. I hated that me wanting kids of my own caused those kids to hurt in a way I couldn't protect them from. But they've grown up to be happy, healthy independent adults and I'm very proud of who they have become.
It's bizarre how much I love my kid and yet if I could go back I'd never even answer her mom's email. We were mid-divorce when we decided to attempt reconciliation. We had a drunk hookup and now we're trying to figure out how to live with each other. She went full religious and I'm still the same "militant atheist" I always have been. We're 100% incompatible but the thought of a divorce is terrifying.
It's not that I regret having her, but if I could wrap her in cotton wool and bubble wrap, put her in a cupboard for ten years with the guarantee that I'll get the same child then I without a doubt would.
Parenthood is just not what I expected it to be. I mean people told me that you have to make sacrifices when you become a parent but because I had never really made any sacrifices before having her, I had no idea what that might entail or feel like. I also thought I wouldn't mind missing out on all the partying and holidays because I would have the ultimate gift, a child but I have found that also to be untrue. I do mind missing out on the partying and holidays, and therefore I try to cram as much as that in as I can still, which makes my quality time with my child few and far between. Yes I have her 5 nights a week, I feed her, bathe her, teach her, discipline her, put her to bed but I mean proper quality time I feel she misses out on because sometimes I have no desire as I'd rather be elsewhere.
I feel constantly guilty because I'm not putting my all in to be the best Mummy I could be, how I imagined myself to be and I feel she is missing out. Before I had her I always wanted 3 children, now 1 is enough for me, I don't want anymore.
Like I said I wouldn't use the word regret but if I could have taken a glimpse into what parenthood really, really is like before I fell pregnant, I would have been a lot more careful. People can tell you but nothing can really prepare you for what it is really like. It is a 24/7 hands down the toughest most exhausting job ever.
When we did the family history to see the chances of any defects, not only did he lie, to me his whole family did. All the ultrasounds were normal, so imagine my surprise when I hear "Are her feet supposed to look like that?". She has clubfeet and its not easy. She needed full leg casts, and is still on braces. She is 1 and can't walk, on top of that I was just informed she will be needing tendon surgery on her left foot. Only after this ordeal do I find out that his family has a history of disorders. Imagine blaming yourself for months, thinking you could have done something different but it was not your fault. Dealing with her feet is a huge strain Financially and emtionally. If you are planning on having a baby always be truthful to your partner.
Mother of a 19 month old here... I so get this... I'm worn out and beat down by my life. I'm a single mother. If it weren't for my mom footing almost every bill in my life, my daughter and I would be homeless and starving. The basic facts: I can't work because child care is $400 a week and I can't find a job that will make 400 a week do able (working to put my kid in daycare and nothing else) getting a job would deem me ineligible for cash assistance and food stamps ($1200/mo income limit) and the state wouldn't pay my childcare so I couldn't continue going to college full time. The $569 in cash I get from welfare is immediately gone paying CC bills and regular bills (usually left with a negative balance my poor mother fills in the gaps) however I will say my food stamps are enough to get us through the month. I feel so stuck in my cycle I'm in. I try so hard to get a "good" job, but Despite experience and education nobody thinks I'm good enough to answer phones for more that $16 an hour. In the silicone valley that's the lowest livable wage. TLDR: I'm f**king broke!
I feel like I had my son with my ex partner under false pretences so to speak and now that we're not together I sometimes feel like life would just be easier if we hadn't had a child together. Back story: I found out when my son was only a few months old that his father had been cheating on me basically our entire relationship, lying, manipulating and basically being a horrible human being and we split. We didn't have the most amicable break up and had to sort out court agreements, visitation etc. He now basically nit-picks everything and anything he can and makes life difficult. I wouldn't take back my son for the world but sometimes I just feel like this isn't exactly what I signed up for and if I'd know about everything before I became pregnant things would be so much different. Naturally I'm not the biggest fan of my fathers son (due to the cheating etc) so having to be in constant contact and being tied together like this for life isn't much fun.
I have two children, 21 & 17, and I genuinely regret having kids. They are becoming selfish and entitled the older they get, and I’m not sure why because I was a single struggling parent most of their lives. I’m saddened because they are smoking weed and drinking, and they NEVER saw any of this growing up. I’m counting down the days for my youngest to turn 18. I cope with prayer.
I feel like it has destroyed my marriage. Both of us have changed since our child was born and I'm afraid the people we've become are not as compatible as the people we used to be. We never talk to each other, we never do anything together, and the very, very infrequent sex is basically her attempt to maintain her ability to claim she makes an effort in our relationship. Any communication that happens between us is about logistics regarding our child. I understand there is a brief period after birth where everyone needs to adjust but it has been over 4 years now.
I love my child more than anyone else on Earth, save for my wife. But I miss having a companion in life. If I had known it would be like this, I don't think I would have made the same decisions.
I think every parent regrets it at some point whether it's a flitting thought that is there and gone or a long conversation you have with yourself. Because it's f**king hard work. I worked some shitty hard labor jobs when I was younger and none of them compare to being a parent, especially a full-time parent.
When you're up late cleaning puke out of the carpets for the fifth time in an hour; when you're running on 8 hours of sleep over the last three days and you feel like you just took acid to help with a hangover; when they're screaming bloody murder because you said they can't eat that cactus; when they purposely test the limits of your patience; when they're rude or ungrateful little shits despite living a life a thousand times better than you did.
It's as natural as the love you feel when they smile at you or laugh at something you did or cuddle up to you or do something for the first time and give you that feeling of "I did it, my human is humaning!"
You are a God to this tiny little person but you are also their Slave. It's easy to lose sight of yourself and/or your partner when you have this responsibility on your shoulders and it's easy to blame the kid for it.
Especially if you have kids too young. I was 26 when my son was born, and I had a lot of fun in those years of child-free adulthood. A lot of f**king fun. And literally every person I know who had a kid before 21 has turned out to be a shitty parent, because they never get to experience being an adult.
I was 17 when I had the first of my four children. They were spread out over 16 years with the same dad. My marriage was not perfect but I was able to be very involved with the kids and their activities. My marriage lasted 23 years and my youngest kids were 5 and 13 at that time. It was a struggle and there were days when I wondered how I would keep going. I ma now 66, with 14 grandchildren and 2 more on the way. We are a very close family and get together all the time. Looking back now I realize that all those hard times made me stronger and more empathetic and caring toward others. I may not have much materialistically but I have been so blessed in a much better way!!
I just wasn't ready. I was only 20 when she was born. I was in the middle of uni and I just wasn't ready to be responsible for something so important.
I wanted to go travelling before starting my career but that won't happen. I'm just about to finish my masters degree and I'm going to have to go straight into a high stress job to be able to have some form of financial stability to provide for her and be able to move into a decent area so she can go to a decent school.
I'm on placement atm, I leave at 6am and get back at 7pm. If my gf hasn't managed to get her to sleep before I get back, she won't sleep till 10pm cos she f**ks about for me and refuses to sleep. Once I've got her to sleep, I then have to attempt to do some of my dissertation and apply for jobs.
I just want one day where I can stay in bed and chill like I used to... I don't hate being a parent, I just wish I could've waited like 10 years.
And forget about ever getting sex... My gf decided co-sleeping was a good idea so I've not had any form of intimate contact for like 6 months now. And before it stopped completely, it happened extremely rarely. I've gone from having sex like 4 times a week to 0 times in 6 months.
I do regret having my first kid on ny first relationship. I had one with my ex boyfriend when I was I college. I didn’t want to be a mother so young. When she got born I gave up all of my right to my ex boyfriend and I leave. My ex is a good guy with a wonderful family, but I knew that we wouldn't be together forever.
I'm older now, married and with two teenage kids and I love them. I never got in touch with my first daughter and honestly I never will. She should be around 19.
I feel like I can't do many of the things I want to do. And I'm now tied to this relative area bc I'm not going to have a child and not be around. Also, I cannot stand my child's mother. We can't get along at all and she has no issues with lying to get what she wants and we have a horrible relationship.
Yes. I got treatment for depression and anxiety. I also take Lexapro which stopped my ruminating.
So many of these are structural issues not personal ones. It's basics too: free childcare, living wage, access to abortion, decent parental leave, education and disabilities' funding. These are the basics that a society needs to offer ffs.
I agree. Also I think society and structure should be less about telling women what's right or wrong if it comes to (not) wanting and (not) having children and more to support each other, nevermind what they chose or deal with. Where I live, it's a lot about "You're female, get pregnant", but also parents are let down who really struggle. It often takes other people to notice (e.g. teachers), before they get help. (Child protective services are actually really good and helpful but people think they're just there to take your child away.)
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I’m sure I’ll get ripped to shreds for this, but some of these stories disgust me. I mean the ones where the common theme is “I don’t get to go out and do what I want to any more!!” No, you don’t. You chose to have kids. However - I know some states/countries don’t allow abortions, and it’s sometimes hard to resist pressure from family/your significant other. But it’s just sometimes shocking to read someone say “I never wanted kids, now I have 3 and I regret having them.” I can assure everyone that kids SENSE that. They feel those emotions and regrets radiating off of the parent even if the parent tries to hide it. And it’s incredibly damaging to the child. Kids know when you’re pissed that you can’t go on vacations and take lots of photos to post to Facebook and Instagram “like all of your friends do”. They don’t know that literally or specifically, but they start to think and get the feeling that Mommy/Daddy doesn’t like them. I’ve lived as that kid for 40 years. And I’m ADOPTED.
I couldn't finish reading them all because most of them were pathetic to me. It's not a child's job to fulfill all your hopes and dreams or make you feel good, its your job to take care of the child. Some of these people very clearly did not think it through properly at all.
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Yeah, screw that. I do not want children. My parents are messed up and I carry that trauma. I would make a terrible mother and I will not pass it down. I would rather get an abortion then put a child through my depressed, ADHD, and quick tempered self.
Same. I have never regretted my choice to not be a mother. I'd be terrible at it.
Load More Replies... I have sympathy for the parents whose children have mental or physical problems. But some of these others just seem like whiners. It's like they had some unreal romantic expectations about raising a whole human being, and then reality set in. Or they're just selfish and a little lazy.
I think a lot of this is cultural differences. Western culture preaches freedom, independence, and entrepreneurship as absolute paragons of living, but doesn't mention that things like community, family cohesion, and parenthood lose out as a result. It's taken for granted that you can just insert a relationship or family at any point in your life, when tradition has always held that these things take time and work that begins in your 20's. I think the tradeoff needs to be more openly discussed, rather than the 'you can do anything you want' dream of infinity that keeps getting spread.
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I think it's really important to break the illusion that children "complete you" in any way. Or that it's the "meaning of life". I have 3 kids (9yrs, 8yrs and (almost) 1yr). They are awesome but I must say I didn't know how much of your life you are "supposed" to sacrifice to have them. Your relationship will be on hold when they are young so your sex life is c**p but you are often "trapped" with your partner anyway, you can't do what you want without thinking of the children first, you have to have a job that goes together with childcare available, everything is expensive, housework never ending etc etc. I absolutely don't regret my kids though and personally think they are worth it, but wow, they take so much away from you and I think we need to highlight that and not "everyone should have kids" or "your relationship will be better with children" (no! NEVER).It is totally fine to not want all that extra work, even if you are in a relationship or married.
I think you make very valid points. The messages about parenthood can be misleading - all of the love and fun and not enough about the daily grind. Parents talk about how hard it is and then go 'oh but it was life changing and they do love you' as though they fear saying anything else will make them look bad. No, be honest about how tough it is. Don't backtrack and waffle on about love instead when asked (what I've mostly seen). A friend of mine regrets her choice to have a child. She loves him VERY much indeed and is a good mum but she had no idea what it would be like. She just saw 'cute baby = happy mum' in the media. A world that is often portrayed as serene, white fluffy blankets and happy playing babies. Not lots of screaming, no sleep, the impact on health through each stage, the work, the constant demands etc. They get a mention but not the focus. We should be much clearer eyed and less sentimental about it all and not criticise those who decide it isn't for them.
Load More Replies... I decided early in life I didn't want children because I didn't think I'd be a good mother. I mentioned this to a guy I met in my early 20s and he chirped "You don't know unless you try!" My reply was "Well, that's just it - you *don't* know until you've already had a kid. If it turns out you aren't a good mother, there is no sending them back." He looked gobsmacked, I don't think he'd ever considered that.
I never wanted children, and I know that I would have resented the child IF I did have one. I have no regrets and although many of these reads are heartbreaking, it's true that NO ONE prepares you for parenthood. One should never have a child simply because of the pressures from family or friends..or to think it will save a marriage. IT'S HARD WORK and your time is no longer yours. How do I know: I took in my nephews after turning in my sister to CPS. The hardest 2 years of my life and I hated it but I would do it again to stop them from going into foster care. Not to offend anyone, but if you are thinking of having kids, foster a dog and you'll see somewhat the time commitment and how you have to plan EVERYTHING around a child/dog. And don't be fooled; everyone who said they would help all of a sudden have plans. I have a dog and the hardest thing is trying to find someone to watch her while I'm on vacation. She hates shelters because she feels she is being left .. again.
I do regret that I was the kind of person who didn't want children , not that I regret not having them.
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Whenever someone asks me why I am 40 and childfree, I'm going to just link this post.
We should not be here to judge! You don't know what it's like for some of these people. Don't say, Well, it's been a joy for me, so why not for you? Everyone is different and everyone draws a different straw in life, and you just don't know what it's like for another.. so just stop it.
society needs to stop putting pressure on people, particularly women, to become parents. Not everyone is meant to be a parent, and there's more to this life than just procreating. We should start normalizing other kind of families or roles, like uncles and aunts that help to raise their nephews or nieces, like a second parent that helps the siblings when and IF they need them, without the full responsibility of being the actual parent of the kids. Or simply stop thinking about raising kids as a goal in everyone's lives. There's already too many people in this world, is not like we're in need to "preserve our species".
I knew that my mother didn't love anybody, and needed her space. I decided to not have kids until I could support them without depleting their natural inheritance. Now I'm sad that I couldn't save the world, but glad I have no kids in it.
Yeah, this one's tough. The problem is you don't know if you're going to be good at parenting until it happens and then you're stuck. I'll tell you one thing, having kids didn't get or keep me sober.
It can actually make a person less likely to be sober - it's really hard work. You can't know for sure, true, but sharing these stories might make some think again and that's only a good thing. Let's not condemn those for being honest about it when they were asked. Stop assuming also that it means they weren't a good parent - I've seen parents who adore their children who were simply awful at it. There are extremes at either end and a mix in the middle where most of us muddle on and do a reasonable job! Hope you are in a good place now.
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I hope everyone of these parents tells every teen and preteen they know about this. Maybe prevent some teen mothers and fathers.
Couldn’t finish. Stopped after i think the third one . Bring on the cats and dogs and happy s**t. Wtf.
I feel like some could have seen that coming? Like did it just happen? Do they not think ahead what might change, and also how stable the partnership was (a bunch are single it seems). Some others I just feel sad for. Being trapped, especially when it’s due to society’s missing support, must be crippling. And it’s most likely a viscous circle too.
Nothing really prepare you for parenthood. Sure, you can imagine it being much work but you can't even guess HOW much or how it will impact everything. The way you see yourself, your body, your relationship (even if it was a good one pre kids), your work and yeah - your entire life. I absolutely understand why people feel like that wasn't what they signed up for and "just happened" and it's healthy to express those feelings. In most cases that doesn't mean they love their kids any less.
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I grew up in an abusive household; I have Asperger's, ADD, anxiety, depression; I've suffered from CFS/ME my whole adult life. I've been in therapy half my life since I was 12 years old. I never EVER regretted having my daughter. I've lived in 4 different countries, with little to no support from family/friends, services etc. I was lucky enough to be a SAHM, but my (ex) husband was financially, emotionally and sexually abusive (withholding affection is abuse too). He was a good dad but he was, and still is, totally f****d up by his parents/upbringing. My daughter was this perfect little piece I was missing. Having her never stopped me from doing anything, even though her birth nearly killed me and has had serious repercussions that I'm still dealing with 21 years later. Her father and I finally split up when she was 11, I couldn't live another second in a loveless marriage. Things didn't work out the way I imagined they would, but 10 years and many upheavals later, things are settled. I wouldn't have changed anything except for never marrying my husband - red flags were there right from the start.
Becoming a parent should be taken very very seriously. It should never be entered into lightly. It is a huge task that few can cope with and are prepared for. It is a huge burden. It is also a joy and it is a sacrifice. It takes a village to raise a child. You cannot do it alone or without help from within your family or community or without the support of society.
I'm probably going to get downvoted for this a lot, but why did so many of these poster even have children? Did they feel like they had to from a societal or family point of view? I'm not saying this to be nasty, I just wish people would make sure they're ok first, how else is your kid going to end up ok 😕
Lack of realisation. Look at how many are being condemned for their honesty here? If those people had read these stories first then perhaps they'd not have had children. Even when we get told of the tiredness, the struggles it's always couched in terms to make it sound worth it in the end. The reality is that it won't be for some people. Women get a lot of pressure to have children. Many almost sleepwalk into it as it's 'what you do'. If we don't read the truly honest feelings of those who regret it how can we ever know that this might happen? That it might be us who feel like that? Some are judging those for moaning about not having free time to be spontaneous. Well, a LOT don't realise that will happen. It doesn't click until too late. Instead of condemning let's shout it from the rooftops and make it clear. Then those who have children will, hopefully, have gone into it with their eyes wider open and truly happy with their choice.
Load More Replies... I do not regret my children. I wanted to be a mom so bad, it was the biggest accomplishment. I only regret who I had them with. I can’t change the past. I’m not going to treat them horribly because of my poor decisions when I was younger. My kids are great kids. They like the same stuff I do and they’re easy going and smart. They don’t get into trouble besides the minor little stuff. They listen to me and have been on a good path that will help build them a rock solid future and I know it was because of me
Number 1 is the only one that resonates with me. Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom to 2 before turning 30. And I got my dream- 2 boys before age 30, who are turning into wonderful, smart, kind people. I prepared throughout my teenage years to be a mother; I studied child psychology and teaching techniques for fun, taught piano to others' kids and babysat, did first aid courses, learned how to bake the best cookies...we do crafts and science experiments and go on "night walks" where they pretend to be arctic explorers searching for tracks, and I love every minute of it. But their futures are looking grim, and I grieve for them. I've had to stop reading the news around climate change because it was causing me so much anxiety for them that I was having panic attacks. If I were to be childless right now, I think I'd stay that way, as much as it would hurt me. I can only hope society figures its sh*t out.
No wonder some of these kids cut of off contact. They know they're not wanted.
I had a son at 17. Definitely not easy. He's a great man we're so proud of him. My youngest 12 is special needs. That was real hard for us in the beginning. Raising kids has been one of the hardest jobs one can do. No regrets. I love my kids.
Let's just say... I have psoriasis from a little after I was born, childhood brain cancer from 2 weeks before my tenth birthday in September 2013, and epilepsy from when I was 16, in May 2020. I need MRIs every 6 months for my tumor and I need to take two medicines, keppra and lamictal, every 12 hours for my epilepsy. And on top of all that, I live in the (un-)United States.
I struggled through three increasingly difficult miscarriages. It gutted me but in retrospect I am grateful that I didn’t pass my trauma on to children of my own. I do have stepdaughters, but they’re adults. One refuses to speak with me because I don’t allow any drugs or alcohol in my home (that might sound militant but it’s because I’m in recovery, not because I want to control what she chooses to do). They have reinforced the good that came out of me not being a mother. The girls only reach out to their father when they want something. Unlike me he is strong at setting boundaries and doesn’t bend over backwards to win their approval. Having kids is not for the codependent.
I don't have kids because I know I'd be a crappy mother. I have zero skills, not even enough to babysit my nephew. I admit to being a selfish person jerk. My career may have derailed lately due to a recent disability, buy my husband makes good money. It took us over a decade of struggling and paycheck to paycheck to get a savings account with money in it. I'm not giving it up now. We can finally afford to go on vacations. I also like my free time and my sleep. I have a very specific routine at bedtime, disrupting that upsets me and gives me headaches. My life needs to be calmly structured to keep me sane, I couldn't do it. YET I NEED MY HUSBAND'S PERMISSION TO BE STERILIZED?!
I have bad atopic dermatitis, suffered from it since my birth. I finally got a medication that helps me, but it was such a struggle to get it. I don't blame my mother (who has many allergies and an atopic tendency herself) for having me, I always was happy to exist. Still, I had phases where I was in so much pain physically and mentally because of it. So I will never have a child myself, I could not forgive myself if it would inherit this disease and suffer as well. Besides, I would have to stop my medication for the pregnancy (since it's new and untested in pregnant women) which means my dermatitis would return in full power. This scares me. Additionally, both me and my partner have/will have very tiring, stressful jobs, and the little spare time we'll have... I'm just not ready to "sacrifice" it for children. Also, depression and addicition runs in my family (I got spared from these ones at least).
These are just making me extremely angry...oh I can't be spontaneous anymore oh boo fu*king hoo!!! You chose to have children...and you were lucky enough to have a healthy one...
They were asked to explain their regrets & are being honest. It may not sound great but wouldn't it have been better if they'd had more knowledge about the realities PRIOR? That way maybe they would have made a different choice. These things should be widely shared so that people don't just have children with little thought as far too many do. The horrific volume of children who are abused, neglected & unloved is staggering. We need the total honesty without condemnation & judgemental attitudes. I think children are precious but they need to be born to those who truly want them & as far as is humanly possible that they understand what is being undertaken. If we have to read stories where parents share their regrets, regardless of how silly those reasons might seem to anyone else, then if it makes others think again & prevents children being born to those who won't love them (or worse) then so be it. The children matter more than our sensitivities on the subject.
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What were these people living in a isolated cave to not know what life sucking commitments kids are which is why ii never had them.im too selfish of my time I heard the b******t too like "oh once you have your own you change your mind" no i wont,just like some people dont like cats or dogs some people dont like kids and having one just to prove you arent one of them is stupid
To answer your question, yes. They see all the pretty serene motherhood pictures and think that is reality. The see cute smiling babies and think that's what they're like all the time. They'll hear stories of babies crying a lot and mum being tired but they won't know how it impacts on such a deep level. Reading these stories may help a lot for some people to connect with that reality. Too many 'it was hard but worth it' stories and not enough of this type. Too many parents extolling the joys and wanting everyone to end up like them (why? validation of their choice?) and they're the ones who contribute to this problem. Shut up about 'you'll change your mind once you have your own' hear, hear!! We're not all the same and we should not condemn those who are being honest but instead share it widely. You will get people reading these and thinking 'that will be me' and making a different choice. That would be a good thing - lessening the numbers of people who regret it.
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So many of these are structural issues not personal ones. It's basics too: free childcare, living wage, access to abortion, decent parental leave, education and disabilities' funding. These are the basics that a society needs to offer ffs.
I agree. Also I think society and structure should be less about telling women what's right or wrong if it comes to (not) wanting and (not) having children and more to support each other, nevermind what they chose or deal with. Where I live, it's a lot about "You're female, get pregnant", but also parents are let down who really struggle. It often takes other people to notice (e.g. teachers), before they get help. (Child protective services are actually really good and helpful but people think they're just there to take your child away.)
Load More Replies... I’m sure I’ll get ripped to shreds for this, but some of these stories disgust me. I mean the ones where the common theme is “I don’t get to go out and do what I want to any more!!” No, you don’t. You chose to have kids. However - I know some states/countries don’t allow abortions, and it’s sometimes hard to resist pressure from family/your significant other. But it’s just sometimes shocking to read someone say “I never wanted kids, now I have 3 and I regret having them.” I can assure everyone that kids SENSE that. They feel those emotions and regrets radiating off of the parent even if the parent tries to hide it. And it’s incredibly damaging to the child. Kids know when you’re pissed that you can’t go on vacations and take lots of photos to post to Facebook and Instagram “like all of your friends do”. They don’t know that literally or specifically, but they start to think and get the feeling that Mommy/Daddy doesn’t like them. I’ve lived as that kid for 40 years. And I’m ADOPTED.
I couldn't finish reading them all because most of them were pathetic to me. It's not a child's job to fulfill all your hopes and dreams or make you feel good, its your job to take care of the child. Some of these people very clearly did not think it through properly at all.
Load More Replies... Yeah, screw that. I do not want children. My parents are messed up and I carry that trauma. I would make a terrible mother and I will not pass it down. I would rather get an abortion then put a child through my depressed, ADHD, and quick tempered self.
Same. I have never regretted my choice to not be a mother. I'd be terrible at it.
Load More Replies... I have sympathy for the parents whose children have mental or physical problems. But some of these others just seem like whiners. It's like they had some unreal romantic expectations about raising a whole human being, and then reality set in. Or they're just selfish and a little lazy.
I think a lot of this is cultural differences. Western culture preaches freedom, independence, and entrepreneurship as absolute paragons of living, but doesn't mention that things like community, family cohesion, and parenthood lose out as a result. It's taken for granted that you can just insert a relationship or family at any point in your life, when tradition has always held that these things take time and work that begins in your 20's. I think the tradeoff needs to be more openly discussed, rather than the 'you can do anything you want' dream of infinity that keeps getting spread.
Load More Replies... I think it's really important to break the illusion that children "complete you" in any way. Or that it's the "meaning of life". I have 3 kids (9yrs, 8yrs and (almost) 1yr). They are awesome but I must say I didn't know how much of your life you are "supposed" to sacrifice to have them. Your relationship will be on hold when they are young so your sex life is c**p but you are often "trapped" with your partner anyway, you can't do what you want without thinking of the children first, you have to have a job that goes together with childcare available, everything is expensive, housework never ending etc etc. I absolutely don't regret my kids though and personally think they are worth it, but wow, they take so much away from you and I think we need to highlight that and not "everyone should have kids" or "your relationship will be better with children" (no! NEVER).It is totally fine to not want all that extra work, even if you are in a relationship or married.
I think you make very valid points. The messages about parenthood can be misleading - all of the love and fun and not enough about the daily grind. Parents talk about how hard it is and then go 'oh but it was life changing and they do love you' as though they fear saying anything else will make them look bad. No, be honest about how tough it is. Don't backtrack and waffle on about love instead when asked (what I've mostly seen). A friend of mine regrets her choice to have a child. She loves him VERY much indeed and is a good mum but she had no idea what it would be like. She just saw 'cute baby = happy mum' in the media. A world that is often portrayed as serene, white fluffy blankets and happy playing babies. Not lots of screaming, no sleep, the impact on health through each stage, the work, the constant demands etc. They get a mention but not the focus. We should be much clearer eyed and less sentimental about it all and not criticise those who decide it isn't for them.
Load More Replies... I decided early in life I didn't want children because I didn't think I'd be a good mother. I mentioned this to a guy I met in my early 20s and he chirped "You don't know unless you try!" My reply was "Well, that's just it - you *don't* know until you've already had a kid. If it turns out you aren't a good mother, there is no sending them back." He looked gobsmacked, I don't think he'd ever considered that.
I never wanted children, and I know that I would have resented the child IF I did have one. I have no regrets and although many of these reads are heartbreaking, it's true that NO ONE prepares you for parenthood. One should never have a child simply because of the pressures from family or friends..or to think it will save a marriage. IT'S HARD WORK and your time is no longer yours. How do I know: I took in my nephews after turning in my sister to CPS. The hardest 2 years of my life and I hated it but I would do it again to stop them from going into foster care. Not to offend anyone, but if you are thinking of having kids, foster a dog and you'll see somewhat the time commitment and how you have to plan EVERYTHING around a child/dog. And don't be fooled; everyone who said they would help all of a sudden have plans. I have a dog and the hardest thing is trying to find someone to watch her while I'm on vacation. She hates shelters because she feels she is being left .. again.
I do regret that I was the kind of person who didn't want children , not that I regret not having them.
Load More Replies... Whenever someone asks me why I am 40 and childfree, I'm going to just link this post.
We should not be here to judge! You don't know what it's like for some of these people. Don't say, Well, it's been a joy for me, so why not for you? Everyone is different and everyone draws a different straw in life, and you just don't know what it's like for another.. so just stop it.
society needs to stop putting pressure on people, particularly women, to become parents. Not everyone is meant to be a parent, and there's more to this life than just procreating. We should start normalizing other kind of families or roles, like uncles and aunts that help to raise their nephews or nieces, like a second parent that helps the siblings when and IF they need them, without the full responsibility of being the actual parent of the kids. Or simply stop thinking about raising kids as a goal in everyone's lives. There's already too many people in this world, is not like we're in need to "preserve our species".
I knew that my mother didn't love anybody, and needed her space. I decided to not have kids until I could support them without depleting their natural inheritance. Now I'm sad that I couldn't save the world, but glad I have no kids in it.
Yeah, this one's tough. The problem is you don't know if you're going to be good at parenting until it happens and then you're stuck. I'll tell you one thing, having kids didn't get or keep me sober.
It can actually make a person less likely to be sober - it's really hard work. You can't know for sure, true, but sharing these stories might make some think again and that's only a good thing. Let's not condemn those for being honest about it when they were asked. Stop assuming also that it means they weren't a good parent - I've seen parents who adore their children who were simply awful at it. There are extremes at either end and a mix in the middle where most of us muddle on and do a reasonable job! Hope you are in a good place now.
Load More Replies... I hope everyone of these parents tells every teen and preteen they know about this. Maybe prevent some teen mothers and fathers.
Couldn’t finish. Stopped after i think the third one . Bring on the cats and dogs and happy s**t. Wtf.
I feel like some could have seen that coming? Like did it just happen? Do they not think ahead what might change, and also how stable the partnership was (a bunch are single it seems). Some others I just feel sad for. Being trapped, especially when it’s due to society’s missing support, must be crippling. And it’s most likely a viscous circle too.
Nothing really prepare you for parenthood. Sure, you can imagine it being much work but you can't even guess HOW much or how it will impact everything. The way you see yourself, your body, your relationship (even if it was a good one pre kids), your work and yeah - your entire life. I absolutely understand why people feel like that wasn't what they signed up for and "just happened" and it's healthy to express those feelings. In most cases that doesn't mean they love their kids any less.
Load More Replies... I grew up in an abusive household; I have Asperger's, ADD, anxiety, depression; I've suffered from CFS/ME my whole adult life. I've been in therapy half my life since I was 12 years old. I never EVER regretted having my daughter. I've lived in 4 different countries, with little to no support from family/friends, services etc. I was lucky enough to be a SAHM, but my (ex) husband was financially, emotionally and sexually abusive (withholding affection is abuse too). He was a good dad but he was, and still is, totally f****d up by his parents/upbringing. My daughter was this perfect little piece I was missing. Having her never stopped me from doing anything, even though her birth nearly killed me and has had serious repercussions that I'm still dealing with 21 years later. Her father and I finally split up when she was 11, I couldn't live another second in a loveless marriage. Things didn't work out the way I imagined they would, but 10 years and many upheavals later, things are settled. I wouldn't have changed anything except for never marrying my husband - red flags were there right from the start.
Becoming a parent should be taken very very seriously. It should never be entered into lightly. It is a huge task that few can cope with and are prepared for. It is a huge burden. It is also a joy and it is a sacrifice. It takes a village to raise a child. You cannot do it alone or without help from within your family or community or without the support of society.
I'm probably going to get downvoted for this a lot, but why did so many of these poster even have children? Did they feel like they had to from a societal or family point of view? I'm not saying this to be nasty, I just wish people would make sure they're ok first, how else is your kid going to end up ok 😕
Lack of realisation. Look at how many are being condemned for their honesty here? If those people had read these stories first then perhaps they'd not have had children. Even when we get told of the tiredness, the struggles it's always couched in terms to make it sound worth it in the end. The reality is that it won't be for some people. Women get a lot of pressure to have children. Many almost sleepwalk into it as it's 'what you do'. If we don't read the truly honest feelings of those who regret it how can we ever know that this might happen? That it might be us who feel like that? Some are judging those for moaning about not having free time to be spontaneous. Well, a LOT don't realise that will happen. It doesn't click until too late. Instead of condemning let's shout it from the rooftops and make it clear. Then those who have children will, hopefully, have gone into it with their eyes wider open and truly happy with their choice.
Load More Replies... I do not regret my children. I wanted to be a mom so bad, it was the biggest accomplishment. I only regret who I had them with. I can’t change the past. I’m not going to treat them horribly because of my poor decisions when I was younger. My kids are great kids. They like the same stuff I do and they’re easy going and smart. They don’t get into trouble besides the minor little stuff. They listen to me and have been on a good path that will help build them a rock solid future and I know it was because of me
Number 1 is the only one that resonates with me. Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom to 2 before turning 30. And I got my dream- 2 boys before age 30, who are turning into wonderful, smart, kind people. I prepared throughout my teenage years to be a mother; I studied child psychology and teaching techniques for fun, taught piano to others' kids and babysat, did first aid courses, learned how to bake the best cookies...we do crafts and science experiments and go on "night walks" where they pretend to be arctic explorers searching for tracks, and I love every minute of it. But their futures are looking grim, and I grieve for them. I've had to stop reading the news around climate change because it was causing me so much anxiety for them that I was having panic attacks. If I were to be childless right now, I think I'd stay that way, as much as it would hurt me. I can only hope society figures its sh*t out.
No wonder some of these kids cut of off contact. They know they're not wanted.
I had a son at 17. Definitely not easy. He's a great man we're so proud of him. My youngest 12 is special needs. That was real hard for us in the beginning. Raising kids has been one of the hardest jobs one can do. No regrets. I love my kids.
Let's just say... I have psoriasis from a little after I was born, childhood brain cancer from 2 weeks before my tenth birthday in September 2013, and epilepsy from when I was 16, in May 2020. I need MRIs every 6 months for my tumor and I need to take two medicines, keppra and lamictal, every 12 hours for my epilepsy. And on top of all that, I live in the (un-)United States.
I struggled through three increasingly difficult miscarriages. It gutted me but in retrospect I am grateful that I didn’t pass my trauma on to children of my own. I do have stepdaughters, but they’re adults. One refuses to speak with me because I don’t allow any drugs or alcohol in my home (that might sound militant but it’s because I’m in recovery, not because I want to control what she chooses to do). They have reinforced the good that came out of me not being a mother. The girls only reach out to their father when they want something. Unlike me he is strong at setting boundaries and doesn’t bend over backwards to win their approval. Having kids is not for the codependent.
I don't have kids because I know I'd be a crappy mother. I have zero skills, not even enough to babysit my nephew. I admit to being a selfish person jerk. My career may have derailed lately due to a recent disability, buy my husband makes good money. It took us over a decade of struggling and paycheck to paycheck to get a savings account with money in it. I'm not giving it up now. We can finally afford to go on vacations. I also like my free time and my sleep. I have a very specific routine at bedtime, disrupting that upsets me and gives me headaches. My life needs to be calmly structured to keep me sane, I couldn't do it. YET I NEED MY HUSBAND'S PERMISSION TO BE STERILIZED?!
I have bad atopic dermatitis, suffered from it since my birth. I finally got a medication that helps me, but it was such a struggle to get it. I don't blame my mother (who has many allergies and an atopic tendency herself) for having me, I always was happy to exist. Still, I had phases where I was in so much pain physically and mentally because of it. So I will never have a child myself, I could not forgive myself if it would inherit this disease and suffer as well. Besides, I would have to stop my medication for the pregnancy (since it's new and untested in pregnant women) which means my dermatitis would return in full power. This scares me. Additionally, both me and my partner have/will have very tiring, stressful jobs, and the little spare time we'll have... I'm just not ready to "sacrifice" it for children. Also, depression and addicition runs in my family (I got spared from these ones at least).
These are just making me extremely angry...oh I can't be spontaneous anymore oh boo fu*king hoo!!! You chose to have children...and you were lucky enough to have a healthy one...
They were asked to explain their regrets & are being honest. It may not sound great but wouldn't it have been better if they'd had more knowledge about the realities PRIOR? That way maybe they would have made a different choice. These things should be widely shared so that people don't just have children with little thought as far too many do. The horrific volume of children who are abused, neglected & unloved is staggering. We need the total honesty without condemnation & judgemental attitudes. I think children are precious but they need to be born to those who truly want them & as far as is humanly possible that they understand what is being undertaken. If we have to read stories where parents share their regrets, regardless of how silly those reasons might seem to anyone else, then if it makes others think again & prevents children being born to those who won't love them (or worse) then so be it. The children matter more than our sensitivities on the subject.
Load More Replies... What were these people living in a isolated cave to not know what life sucking commitments kids are which is why ii never had them.im too selfish of my time I heard the b******t too like "oh once you have your own you change your mind" no i wont,just like some people dont like cats or dogs some people dont like kids and having one just to prove you arent one of them is stupid
To answer your question, yes. They see all the pretty serene motherhood pictures and think that is reality. The see cute smiling babies and think that's what they're like all the time. They'll hear stories of babies crying a lot and mum being tired but they won't know how it impacts on such a deep level. Reading these stories may help a lot for some people to connect with that reality. Too many 'it was hard but worth it' stories and not enough of this type. Too many parents extolling the joys and wanting everyone to end up like them (why? validation of their choice?) and they're the ones who contribute to this problem. Shut up about 'you'll change your mind once you have your own' hear, hear!! We're not all the same and we should not condemn those who are being honest but instead share it widely. You will get people reading these and thinking 'that will be me' and making a different choice. That would be a good thing - lessening the numbers of people who regret it.
Load More Replies... 