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More and more often do we hear about childfree people who opt for life without kids for various different reasons. And while the societal pressure to have babies is still going strong, women have been more vocal about their life choices.
What we don’t hear that often is the other side of motherhood that challenges the accepted maternal response. But this is changing too, with more women than ever willing to open up about not being satisfied with motherhood in a way society expects them to. This doesn't mean it’s easy—far from that. Women who dare to challenge this explosive taboo and express their regrets are often called “selfish,” “whining,” and even “bad moms.”
“Mothers who regret having children, what made you realize it? And how are you coping?” someone recently asked a daring question on the Ask Women subreddit. It clearly hit a nerve for many women, who saw it as an opportunity to share their complex, yet very valid feelings about being a mom. The thread gives a much-needed perspective from women who question this decision that’s too often taken for granted in our society.
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#1
I love my daughter (7). She is the most precious thing in my life.
But in recent years I have started to regret having a child. Not because of her. She is the most easy going sweet little girl you could ever meet.
Actually I regret having children because of what’s going on in the world. I feel a SEVERE feeling of doom and anxiety when I think about her future. She will probably never be able to afford a house, will struggle with debt, climate change, scarce resources, growing inequality. I am truly terrified and I feel sooo sooo guilty.
If I was childless today I would 100% for sure not have any child now. Despite loving being a mother, the growing despair I see everyday and knowledge things will only get worse on the next 30 years make me regret having children. I love her with all my heart, and I am sad this is the future she will have. I am sad I placed her in this situation. I know many many of my friends with children feel the same.
In terms of coping I try and do my bit, to make society better for her generation, but I know it won’t be. I try and prepare her, support her by saving as much as I can for her (less than 30 GBP per month but ok, it’s all I can afford) to help her in future. To teach her about fairness and self reliance. But it’s a major stress in the back of my mind.
Pisco 3 years ago
I agree 100%. Life is very difficult for most people and our future does not look bright at all. Bringing a child to this world (and also contributing to overpopulation) is not an ethical thing to do. Instead people should adopt and foster, those children are already born and still need a loving family.
Fiona C 3 years ago (edited)
I'm shocked at all the support for this comment. I don't agree. I think every generation before us has had tough albeit different things to deal with going back thousands of years. Being a parent is doing your best to prepare that child for whatever the difficulties are likely to be in their version of the world.
Lynda Britz 3 years ago
Look on the bright side. She’s unlikely to die prematurely from infectious disease, she has access to brilliant resources for education and communication, she has loving family that think the world of her, varied and nutritious food, a degree of comfort unsurpassed in previous generations (hot water on tap! Cold drinks! Soft smooth textiles! Etc). The world has been teetering on the brink of disaster - plague, World War, Cold War, nuclear weapons... cheer up.
Groundcontroltomajortom 3 years ago
Totally agree, I love my daughter but I now feel incredibly selfish that I have brought her into this world just because of my "Biological need to procreate". If I had thought about it from the perspective I can now see I don't think I would have had her. She is my world but this world will make her life hard and that's my fault.
Donna Swallow 3 years ago
My daughters are 21 and 16. I wanted them so much and I love them hugely. However, I'm so scared for what their futures hold with wars rumbling away, the threat of nuclear weapons being used and the destruction of the planet. I can't help but wonder what dreadful suffering is waiting for them. Have I given birth to them for them to die in some awful way and to experience so much pain and sorrow first? I try to be positive but I do worry. When my second daughter was born my mother said 'jokingly' "Oh no, you've given me someone else to worry about!" and i know exactly what she means. Their pain is so much more unbearable for us than our own is. We just want them to have lives which are worth living. We don't want to birth them into droughts and floods and fires and starvation and nuclear war.
Janet Maker 3 years ago
I felt this same way more than 30 years ago when I opted to adopt my children instead of giving birth. I did not think it was acceptable to bring children into this terrible world, esp when there were so many orphans needing families. Since then it has given me great peace of mind to know that whatever my kids will face is not because of me.
noob ccd 3 years ago
This is why I'm an antinatalist, I couldn't forgive myself if one day my children regretted ever being born. And no amount of love could ever make up for the pain and struggles they had to face in their entire life, especially since I can't promise I'll always be there for them ; one day I could just... gone.
RELATED:
#2
I’m not a good mother. I care about them but I don’t know how to raise them. They are raising themselves with me trying beside them. Generational trauma, insane pedofile bio dad/ex husband. I was too young and groomed.
I traumatized my kids by my ignorance and I can keep trying to learn and grow. And help them. But damage is done. And I wish I could go back and fix me so I could help them but I cant. I will alway support them and when they want to yell at me in 10 years for everything and shut me out. I will get it. Because yeah. F**k man. I’ll keep trying and I’ve had them in therapy. And I’m in therapy and I’m learning. But yeah. I was to young and didn’t know enough. I chose their sperm contributions badly.
Olga Posedaru 3 years ago
You were a victim, and it is not your fault that things turned out this way. I am proud of you for actively trying to make your children's lives better, so they don't suffer like you did! Hang on!
HannEli 3 years ago
I agree with Olga. This was not your fault. You can only move forward and up from here on out. You will do great. You realize some things in your life that happened were not OK, and that is growth. I hope you and your children grow healthy and happy.
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Oliver Nelson 3 years ago
If it makes OP feel any better, I have a similar situation with my mother (she wasn't always the best, but it's mostly because she has her own trauma she needed to work through) and as I've gotten older, even though it still affects me, i don't blame her and I don't think any of it is her fault.
Sasquatch The Almighty 3 years ago
Not a mum, but I'm a dad who's all busted up inside thanks to insane violent pedophiles many many years ago. This post is brave and beautiful. You're doing amazingly. I've been back in therapy for 18 months and it's savage and painful and terrifying but totally the right thing to do. The important thing is you're working towards a whole and healthy you. That's the best thing you can do. I've messed up plenty with my kids too, and it breaks my heart over and over. But, wanting to do better every day is what makes you a good mum, and me a better dad than I've been. Go you! It's clear you love your kids :)
Smellsliketeenspirit 3 years ago
Your trauma is not your fault--- but getting help for it is your responsibility. You got held a shitty deck, and your effort and attempts to try and break generational trauma is well received. Be gentle on yourself.
Cathy 3 years ago
For anyone in the same situation: very good if you are getting help and doing therapy. Stay very alert when it comes to new relationships and wait until your kids are grown until you try to live together with someone again, you are vulnerable of falling for the same type. But at one point in your life you will have to let go of the guilt and the past. Because it will get in the way of your relationship with your children. Bless you, things will get better
lenka 3 years ago
Generational trauma has devastating impact on our ability to parent effectively. I struggle with this too but I try and lessen the impact by being honest with my children (age appropriately), I apologise to them when I f**k up and I work harder to do better. I also work really hard to make sure they have positive influences and support people around them so that the impact of my failures is not so severe. I hope that at the end of the day, and for all the mistakes I make, they will know that I love them and that I always did my best to protect them and support them.
Marco Conti 3 years ago
Aside from the pedo-ex, most of us parents only do what we can. Beware of those that think they have it all figured out.
Jackie Lulu 3 years ago
You're probably a better Mom than you think you are. Themost important thing is to love them.
María Hermida 3 years ago
You are trying and making an effort to change. You've admitted you made mistakes. You love your children. Love yourself, too. You come from a difficult background. Your kids will eventually realise you tried as hard as possible to make them happy.
#3
I have two kids, well, now, they're legally adults but mentally they are still 2 years old. They are autistic, developmentally delayed, and have mental disorders to boot. I have gotten zero help from the state, trying to navigate this world is a nightmare. It doesn't help that the whole world is severely under prepared for an aging population, much less an aging disabled population.
I regretted having them the second I found out that they wouldn't be able to care for themselves. I'm so scared for the day that I will have to put them in a home of some sort, because the likelihood of being sexually abused goes up 7x. They won't understand why they can't be at home much less what is happening to them. If I could go back in time I would've never had kids.
None of us have any sort of life or friends. We just stay home everyday, each of us absorbed in the internet until we pass out and the next day starts again. It's horrible.
Susan Atkinson 3 years ago
My oldest was 18 when he became paraplegic after a common cold. It's called Transverse Myelitis (TM). Extremely rare disease. My younger child was 26 when he died of pneumonia. I regret having them. Not only did they suffer but all of our lives suffered. When we got married and started a family we saw a future of family and grandchildren. After #1 sons diagnosis that changed. 9 years later our lives are upended again and we no longer plan because this life is not guaranteed to anyone.
My O My 3 years ago
I'm sorry! I'm out of words... I wish you all the strength possible
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Alicia M 3 years ago
It's really tough having a child with any kind of disability. In the USA, resources available to help the disabled vary greatly by state. Some states are wonderful and offer all kinds of help and programs and other states have almost nothing and leave you feeling alone and stranded. The sad thing is most people who need help can't afford to go somewhere better. It's so frustrating. I'm the mother of an autistic son and it is very challenging.
GettheOtis 3 years ago
It's the states run by the party of family values who usually provide the LEAST support to these people
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Deann Culver 3 years ago
My autistic daughter became violent (at the age of 21) and I had no help. I decided one day I was going to take her to the emergency room every single time if I had to but I was going to make someone do something. She was like trying to live with a wild animal on the attack. Point is, it worked. She was eventually moved into a group home where she's happy because she feels like an adult now. Parents of handicapped adult children need to find help. If the parent dies, what happens to the child?
Deann Culver 3 years ago
I needed to add that it took a very long time to get her placed into a group home, and that was over fifteen years ago.
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Aussie panda 3 years ago
Not usually for when they are adults. Very limited in Australia where I am.
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Tashiku Brock 3 years ago
I can toty relate. Although my son has autism he appears as not disabled. It started with multiple health issues, then behavioral. He extremely smart but terrified of entering the work world. During the pandemic we hunkered indoors because if I got sick and died I feared for his future and still do. He's 26yro and I have to continually "justify" his diagnosis. There are no appropriate services for this aging population. I love my son and he has brought so much good to my life, but sometimes I wish we would just go to sleep and not wake up because of what lies ahead for him without my support when I'm gone.
Jen Owen 11 months ago (edited)
You are not alone, although we all feel isolated. I am 100% living your life. I’m a single mom living with my 86 year old mother, bc at 52, i care for my adult disabled daughter full time. We will be homeless when my mother passes away. On top of it all, my mother is abusive to me, so I feel like i am failing my daughter by not having her in a happy, thriving environment. At eighteen, there are zero resources for her. We wake up, go to Target and Walmart, and then come home and make pizza. And it’s all I can do. It’s exhausting just to get her dressed and clean. Anyhow, please don’t be hard on yourself. You are doing great, and your kids are loved. The future, as I tell myself, will happen and it will work itself out. Someway. I try to trust some of the world and hopefully someone will care for our kids a fraction of how we care for them… and they will be okay. Sending much love to this Mom and all others like her.
Shelley Gabrielle 3 years ago
I understand what you’re saying. My fourth child is severely autistic. He’s 25& is also like a two yr old. He went into full time care 5 years ago. My husband left and I couldn’t care for him on my own. It’s so hard, no one except someone who’s been through it would understand. ❤️❤️
Bored Panda reached out to Corinne Maier, a French psychoanalyst, award-winning writer and the best-selling author of multiple books including her two famous ones that encouraged readers not to have children (“No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children”) and to unobtrusively slack off at their corporate job (“Hello Laziness“).
“I think many women regret having children. Not all the time but at least from time to time,” Maier told us. “It used to be my case. Now my children are grown-ups, what a relief!” The author added that “for years I had been looking forward to the moment they would leave the family house and be independent.”
#4
What made me regret it? Finding out that everything our society tells women about pregnancy, childbirth and the challenges of raising kids is either an outright lie or totally glossed over so as not to discourage women from having children.
I was shocked to find out how many people were also knowingly complicit: doctors, nurses, older women around me, obviously religious people and men. "Sshh, don't tell them, they might change their mind." Every step of the way has been/is difficult or had/has some heavy challenge associated with it. There are no full disclosures to potential parents, even though the same parents experience of it (and ability to adapt and cope) will directly affect the child.
When I reached out to others for advice, the typical response was "Welcome to my world." What?! Really? You say you love me, but didn't actually warn me how much damage my body and life would take? "Oh, that's normal." Really? I've never seen that discussed honestly and in-depth in any documentary, informational video, or any woman's magazine. At most there is one tiny story, surrounded by lots of messages about how great it will be. This pisses me off to no end.
So, if I could go back, I would not do it. And this is coming from a mom of wonderful child. A child whom I ***have*** warned: "Having a child might ruin your lfe. Don't do it!"
Katie Andrews 3 years ago
Every childfree forum has people who have listened closely and who know the challenges. We talk about those challenges ALL the time as thoughtful people who choose not to have kids. We help people who are on the fence about knowing what they really want, and even more importantly, don't want. I knew from single digits I wanted to be married and happy (second time the charm) and never have kids. I'm 54, got my happy marriage, no kids, no regrets. Very glad I listened to my BS radar from childhood, looked at the reality and never once listened to the gloss.
Mrs. Jan Glass 3 years ago
Same, and the pressure to have kids was INSANE. For almost 30 years of my life, that's literally the only thing a huge chunk of people, including random strangers, wanted to know: when was I going to give my husband a baby, and WHY NOT?! Some people aren't happy until you validate them by mimicking their life choices.
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CrazyDogLady 3 years ago (edited)
I feel this... Not that having a kid ruined my life, but... During my first pregnancy I had noone who would talk to me honestly about it. Post partum depression almost brought me to the hospital because I knew nothing about it. So I try to have open conversations with my friends about having children. I was by far the first among my friends to have children and I am trying to be open as much as I can. I do not want to discourage them, but I think parenthood is not for everybody and they should know what they are getting into.
Trizia Norris 3 years ago
My labour lasted 3 days with no pain relief. I had 12 internal stitches and 6 external, and PTSD. I was told it would be better if I didn't talk about how bad it was because it might "scare" other women!! I rejected silence!
Tim 3 years ago
"Having a child might ruin your lfe. Don't do it!" I certainly hope this wasn't a quote of what was said to the OP's child.
L Melville 3 years ago
Came here hoping someone else would have pointed this out, too. My mom DID say this to me, growing up...and yes, it f***s you up, thinking that your mother blames you for "ruining her life". Don't put that on your child. I have an amazing 18-month-old daughter who has had 3 heart surgeries so far with more to come. Has it been easy? Heck no. Do I have some regrets? Absolutely. That said....she's also pretty damn incredible and by far the best of her dad and I.
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Trixie Winchester 3 years ago
This is very true. I remember 1 week b4 i was going in to be induced my friend asked me "do you want me to tell you the truth of what's about to happen or should i not say anything?" And i was like why would you wait until now?? I immediately called my mom and was like this is all true? How could you not tell me?? Her response; "yeah. That's why you and your brother are so far apart. That's how long it took me to talk myself into doing again after the trauma of having you" wtf.. 🧡🦇
Tom De Paul 9 months ago
Or anytime prior to getting pregnant: "hey mom, why did you wait so long to have my brother after having me?" NEVER have I read comments from so many presumably adult women who refuse to acknowledge that they remained volitionally and willfully ignorant of a bodily process they were undergoing.
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Terry Butler 3 years ago
It sounds like you're dealing with anger and depression from this trauma. It may help you to talk things over with a good counselor. BTW, I have one child with major disabilities. And I had a miscarriage before then. I never knew how common miscarriage was until I had one. Nobody wants to talk about the negatives when somebody is already expecting. Best to find out the facts before getting pregnant.
Pittsburgh rare 3 years ago
Sounds like OP had her child many many years ago, because it's not as sugar-coated as she says now. I sense an inability to cope here, but making it a whole conspiracy theory sounds extreme.
RenaMoonlight 3 years ago
It's not a conspiracy theory if many societies and media still represent women as the birthgiver and present families with kids as a must have for a beautiful and fullfilled life. You see it everywhere. In the media, in all forms of entertainment. It's always the norm that couples marry, get or adopt a child and have a happy life with some struggles inbetween. People choosing to be childfree are still often frowned upon because "they will never know the true struggles and the best purpose of life, or they just hate children and are selfish people".
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Yvonne Dauwalder Balsiger 3 years ago
I feel super sorry for the OP and maybe therapy would help her. The OP obviously had a horrible, horrible experience and it is sad that she feels so betrayed. Here, (most) people weren't sugar coating. People experience menstruation, pregnancy and childbirth (yes, it really hurts, it is a mess and if you are lucky, most of it is boring) very differently - be kind and understanding and try to prepare for different experiences. For example, both times giving birth hurt like hell for me but I have no scars from it (both of my pregnancies were easy, so I am very grateful). My twin had a similar experience. But my SIL had unfortunately a nightmare pregnancy and now lasting problems with her bladder (but at least a healthy, awesome kid). A friend with endometriosis told me that giving birth without pain killers was not more painful than her usual period (to give you an idea just how bad endometriosis feels).
lenka 3 years ago
It is not a secret that pregnancy is not all glowing skin and luscious hair and that childbirth is not all strength and empowerment and parenting is not all giggles and rainbows. The information and stories are there if you care to ask/look/google. I notice most people who have their heart set on having children don't actually WANT to hear the bad stories. People don't believe that the bad things will happen to THEM. I do agree that we need to stop putting parenting (and mothering in particular) on a pedestal, but telling your child becoming a parent ruined your life is extreme and I think OP needs counselling.
#5
My mental health, all my coping energy is spent on kids so my mh takes a back burner. I'm in therapy but I had them before I found out my struggles are asd/adhd related and will be lifelong. I still work every day to try to make life easier, but 1 one my boys is nonverbal autistic and one I'm sure has asd but on a similar level to me so it's harder than I ever pictured motherhood
dream of delusion 3 years ago (edited)
oh, that’s gotta be really hard. me and some of my other siblings are autistic, and some assortments of mental problems, but it doesn’t seem to affect my mother very badly. i hope OP will be able to get through this.
Mrs. Jan Glass 3 years ago
This is 100% the main reason why I didn't have kids: my mental health, my anxiety and depression. I would not be able to function on an hourly basis what with worry. Cue hundreds of people, women, insisting "Oh, it's different when it's your own!" and "You can't live your life in fear!" Sorry, but anxiety means I DO life my life in fear, and I'm not willing to risk my physical and mental health to test out if it might maybe be different if it was my own kid. Even the thought of pregnancy made my anxiety skyrocket. It's hard enough if the kid is healthy, but watching friend after friend deal with kids on spectrums, unexpected spousal deaths, cancer, holes in infants' hearts, all of it... .nope. Not for me. So if someone tells you she doesn't want kids because of her anxiety, DON'T EFFING DEBATE US ABOUT IT.
JaimeeJames WD 3 years ago (edited)
I’m in a similar situation. I’m autistic and have two autistic kids who both have other things going on as well as health challenges. I was widowed when our kids were 5 and 7 and it’s been a really big struggle. There are some days while I work and put myself through uni and try to support my kids through young adulthood (where problems are so much more complex and my kids are not developmentally ready to cope with those kinds of problems) that I get fed up. I can’t say I have ever wished I didn’t have kids though, my kids saved me. They gave me a reason to see outside of myself and stop self destructive behaviour due to trauma. My kids may have their struggles but they were the first in my family to ever complete high school and they are absolutely wonderful humans. They are truly a gift to this world and my greatest achievement.
temp tempy 1 year ago
more that your troubles are bs teachers, media, and well wishes have fed into your gullible innocent brain throughout your life, while govt and big business get rich off your life. you haven't ever had a chance at a pleasant supportive life affirming community; it takes smart generous caring , not overly compassionate, people to build such communities and homes - but that doesn't appease labour extraction (taxation, overpopulation, big salaries)
#6
I thought my kids would save my life. You hear those stories where your kids “give you a reason to love.” I love them whole heartedly and they are incredible. But I still wake up every morning wishing I didn’t wake up. No amount of therapy or medicine has ever changed my desire to no longer exist
Kanuli 3 years ago
No other person should/can long lasting do this. Only you can change. Only you can fill this hole. You should love yourself. I don’t know how, and I am still on this journey myself. But if you give away control of yourself (like making love of others a key part of your self esteem) you will never know whats coming, and in the end it might not go well. I believe as a stepping stone, mutually agreed (not parent-child, but friendship or partners) it can help you crawl out of the hole, but it should never be indefinitely, as it will either destroy you or the other person involved.
Trixie Winchester 3 years ago
I swear i thought it was just me. i literally can't remember a day in my life that i was ever happy to be alive. Every day i wake up I'm heartbroken I'm still here. It just did not end... 🧡🦇
Raven DeathShade 3 years ago
I remember when I felt like this. And maybe you've tried treatment and it didn't work, or maybe you can't afford it or you don't want it, but I need you to know that I love you. I have no idea who you are, but I need you in my life. You are important to me. If you need to talk more privately, I can give my email. But I want you to be here.
Load More Replies... Jon Steensen 3 years ago
Oh that sound like a variant the bad idea of thinking that a baby will be what turns a bad relationship into a good one. Spoiler it never is, but only mean that a third person will have to live in a troublesome relationship. You should not bring another human into this world, unless you feel that you can offer some good conditions for it to grow up under, and have the capacity to take care of all its needs for the first many years of its life.
Olga Posedaru 3 years ago
You sound like you have major depression, please, take care of yourself and try everything, your life is precious!
Mrs. Jan Glass 3 years ago
Having kids is the single most selfish thing a person can do. My parents had me and my brother because they thought it would fix all of the problems of two immature, selfish, teenagers getting married and then cheating on each other constantly, would "make them a family." My mom kept telling me that I was her fresh start, but I wasn't the kind of daughter she expected or wanted. For the last five decades, I have lived with the awareness that my parents had me wanting and expecting a certain kind of daughter, and I crushed them with disappointment at who I actually am. I don't care if you've spent your whole life dreaming of having kids, a family. DO NOT put YOUR dreams, goals, and wish fulfillment on your kids. It's selfish, unfair, and doomed to fail.
Aballi 3 years ago
I've suffered on and off with severe suicidal depression for 20 years, and it's one of the main reasons I didn't have kids. My heart hurts a little every day because I love kids and would love to be a mom, but I know there are months and even years that I can barely care for myself, much less a kid. Having an amazing dog lightens the blow. And gets me out for a walk every day, which is great for my mental health. Anyhow, thanks for reminding me that kids are not a cure for depression. I wish you the best, and know that you're not alone in your feelings. Xx
Deborah B 3 years ago
This is depression. Love can't fix it. Having kids certainly won't fix it. Medication and therapy help some people, but sounds like they're not helping OP. Can you get a referral to a specialist to try other treatments, possibly different medication combinations, or ECT or DBS? There are also experimental treatments combining psychedelics with intense therapy that are showing results for people with severe non-responsive depression. Don't give up.
Tom De Paul 9 months ago
There's also Trans Magnetic Stimulation, which unlike ECT is non-invasive. As villainous as big pharma is often portrayed, they do seem to release a new antidepressant every 6 months or so. Sometimes it takes a combination of more than one d**g, some sort of brain stimulation (ECT or TMS), and talk therapy to obtain relief.
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Katrin Richter 3 years ago
I feel the same and it is not a decision to feel better or changes that can be made, I feel that way, always, even being angry at my kids for them to keep me alive. I faced it, I'm open about it, I talk to them about their mental health and I know for a fact I would NEVER kill myself, because of them. So yes, even if it makes me angry sometimes, they safe me, every single day. I am struggling hard, Im alone, my son is autistic, Im not the best mum. But I am the best mum I can be and it is ok not to be good as long as the kids know they are loved and they are valuable and they help you in a way no one ever could, without even doing anything, just by being. I have an incredible bond with my kids, they both learn to be independent, self loving and know about mental illnesses in the family they have to observe on them selves and it is ok. I am so proud of my kids, what makes me proud of myself. But still, I want to die, every day. It is lifelong, I will have that feeling every single day..
M.T. Noah 3 years ago
never have a child to fix you. that's child abuse. because you're having the kid to be your parent. I was my mum's unpaid care nurse from age four til 19, and i broke. At almost 50, i still have no idea how to be a real human being. i can't do adult relationships no matter how hard i try. NEVER HAVE A CHILD TO FIX YOUR S**T. grow up and fix your self. if you find you can't fix you - DO NOT HAVE A KID.
Maier recounted: “I had to push out of them who did not want to go away and I know all the tricks to get rid of big kids, I have written a book about that.” The author also said that “women pay a big price for raising children as far as money, career or freedom are concerned. Let’s not forget that they still do 70% of the housework.”
#7
I was a mother of three. The things that are often mentioned about lack of sleep, autonomy, money etc. are all valid. And they last much, much longer than you expect and they can drive you to near suicide at times. Especially when the second comes along and you're still not getting nearly enough sleep but now you have two on completely different schedules. But they do end, eventually. But, and this is a big but, my biggest regret is my youngest, because she died at age 6. She had a brain tumour which made her blind and adversely affected her behaviour and she consumed my time and energy completely. Her loss nearly destroyed our family. I would not know the pain that I still feel if she had not been born, and I would not experience the guilt of feeling that things, on a practical level anyway, are now easier without her.
Robin DJW 3 years ago
It takes a lot of courage to admit that you feel that your life is easier without her. Society never talks about this. Grief counselors won't encourage this emotion, and if you express it, some of them will not validate it. "Feeling this way makes you a bad mother blah blah blah." I think (having experienced this myself) that it's normal, natural, to be expected, and... horrifying. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes my chin goes up and I shout "Well, what happens when a huge stress goes away? You feel better, and why not?" You will be in my thoughts.
Susan Atkinson 3 years ago
I feel your pain. I lost my youngest child also. I don't sleep well. Been diagnosed with PTS and Survivors Guilt. The pain we feel in grief is equal to the love
Tenacious Squirrel 3 years ago
Well that’s really sad about losing a child. On another note though, why do people say they don’t have enough money (etc) for one kid, then go on to have MORE children?
Cara G 3 years ago
Because access to health care, specifically to reproductive health and to effective forms of contraception, is disproportionately restricted and notoriously difficult to obtain in low income populations where it is obviously most needed. Add to that the fact that, at least in the United States, there is no standard sex education in schools and many states utilize the abstinence-only until marriage approach, which is less than useless, and you have millions of people with very little understanding of how pregnancy actually happens (no I'm not kidding). Also getting pregnant doesn't always mean having a child but again this depends entirely on what state you live in and how much money you can afford to pay (sometimes to travel to another state). The reasons are countless why someone would have a child or more children even when they cannot afford to.
Load More Replies... yellowphantom 3 years ago
I went through a similar situation with my first child, who died at age 2. There is truly no way you can think about it without being torn apart; love, guilt, yearning and relief all tossing you around until you are only able to squash down all your feelings, bad and good, and try to survive for the sake of others in your life.
Trisha Howson 3 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I can see why you feel this way.
Bethan Cowley 9 months ago
This is heartbreaking. Grief is complex and guilt, in many forms, is normal.
temp tempy 1 year ago
Condolences for your loss and pain. In the real world c**p happens and it hurts. Best take away is her struggle has also ended and that you gave her the best you could (even if it might not feel like it- you aren't perfect either)
#8
As much as I don’t like admitting this, I regret having my second child (she’s currently 9 months). I love her little face and she can be the cutest, but I was free (my oldest is 15). I got to the point where I didn’t have to do much. My teen is independent and we were slowly transitioning to a friends(ish) type of relationship. Now, I’m starting back at the beginning and I’m all alone again, because my partner works so much. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t say “I hate my life” at least once. The really sucky part is I’m about to go back to work, so on top of being the primary caregiver/homemaker, I’m going to work 40 hours a week. I’m 42 so I’ll be in my 50s before this one is truly independent. I’m trapped and there’s nothing I can do but grin and bear it, and hope I don’t have a nervous breakdown.
Jehna Grobety 3 years ago
LOLOLOLOLOL Yeah right, good luck with that one.
Load More Replies... Rahul Pawa 3 years ago
This sounds like depression, with the child so young it could be Post Partum Depression. I hope OP seeks treatment.
Beanie Culley 8 months ago
Hang on she has a small child at home is caring for 2 other people who don't contribute it sounds like and she now has to go back to work a full time job as well...maybe it's not PPD maybe she has too much on her plate and her husband isn't stepping up to help and she knows it is not going to change.
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RP 3 years ago (edited)
I know this is easier said that done, but stop being the homemaker. If you are at work, then it is the father's turn.
Lakota Wolf 3 years ago
“My partner works so much” - the partner also has a job/jobs and I infer that they work to help support their family and help pay the bills. They should be involved in housework/homemaking, but “it’s the father’s turn” is a bit of a harsh judgement.
Load More Replies... Susie Elle 3 years ago
Why is your partner so little involved in caregiving and housekeeping? Was that an agreement or did they one-sidedly check out? That could be part of your struggles, I hope you can find more space for yourself.
temp tempy 1 year ago
not sure why you'd have a child at 41. They still treasure, but you have to find friends. create friends. You;ve been all the way through this journey once - and you were a f...ing passenger on other peoples' beliefs last time. Time to own this s... Did you learn something first time through? Who is real people, real heart you CAN reach out to. What kind of life is a REAL life, what real values can exist - because if clubbing like a 20 year old is your go to, that's just never going to be an option. You've got to grab the *whole* play book. You've got to get good *real* handle on costs, home life, baby-compatible living, and write your own rulebook (probably selling that might help). What is your redefined "success" going to be in life. How can you make that enjoyable and not a grind. You've been through once, and you've had time to see where things go. Make use of that. Or it will destroy you.
Bethan Cowley 9 months ago
Your blame is misplaced. I’d be doubting your choice in partner not your baby.
#9
I really do sometimes enjoy my son.
But, having him has tied me to an abuser for the next 14.5 years. He still gets to abuse me.
And sometimes I just need quiet time that I can’t get.
I can’t move. I have a relationship that’s long distance and I want to move in with him. I want to leave my state regardless.
But since I have this kid - I can’t.
Coping? I’m ignoring the problem and hoping I don’t come to resent my son.
Tigerpacingthecage 3 years ago
This one is hard. At least in my country children have a right to their parents (not the other way around though) so even if you leave your abusive partner you have to co-parent with them as long as they have custody or visitation. Many, especially women, struggle with these type of situations and many stay in an abusive relationship because at least they will be able to protect their children etc.
Pisco 3 years ago
It seems the norm. But personally if one parent is considered guilty of abuse then he or she should lose custody of the kids. If you abuse your spouse you wont be a good parent
Load More Replies... Alicia M 3 years ago (edited)
I really feel for this person. I was in a similar situation and our son just turned 18. I wanted to move out of state for years and couldn't. The day he turned 18, I blocked his dad's number. I have no intention of ever communicating with him again. His dad is a compulsive liar and manipulative narcissist. A dangerous person who seems to have no other goal than to make everyone on the planet absolutely hate me because I left him. (I don't say that lightly. I have feared for my safety many times. His narcissistic rage is still intensely burning, a decade after our divorce.) I have no legal obligations to co-parent with this person anymore. It's been a nightmare and I'm done. Lately, I've been feeling a wonderful sense of freedom. I hope this person hangs in there and things get better.
M Calad 3 years ago
Your message gives me hope. I am also looking forward to my daughter turning 18 (2028) so I can finally block her father out my life. I want that sense of freedom. It's incredible how people can turn into total a**holes in a blink of an eye. I have realized that relationships are so fragile, anything can happen, anything can change all you had in one second.
Load More Replies... Mrs. Jan Glass 3 years ago
Why I chose abortion, and broke the cycle of abuse and poverty in my family. No child should have to go through this. I'm spending the rest of my adult life trying to heal from being the child in this situation.
Goth Nurse 3 years ago
Never ever stay in a crappy relationship "for the kids". They will never learn what is a normal, loving partnership in a chaos. They sense all is not well. They will suffer just because you opted to suffer in that relationship.
Kimi Tomminello 3 years ago
Depending on laws and if you can prove abuse you may be charged with kidnapping for doing this and abusive partners are the ones that report it.
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Caro Caro 3 years ago
Can't you just put him in the car and leave? What if your son is abused as well? Would that make you leave? This is horrible and sad.
Pisco 3 years ago
Sadly if the courts dont consider the father unfit for custody she would be charged as a kidnapper. There was a big case in spain recently where a woman was abused by her italian husband and he was declared guilty but he still got custody. At some point she left back to spain to scape his abuses and untile recently she was in jail for kidnapping. Justice is for the rich only :(
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Thida Yang 3 years ago
I really can't believe people siding with this weak person blaming their child for their refusal to put an end to the abuse. I would normally NEVER call someone weak for not being able to break free from abuse, but don't dare blame that on your child. You might be tied to the father for 14.5 years, but to continue to allow the abuse is a choice. If he's abusing you as a mother, you should be worried about protecting your child and setting an example for your child instead of being so focused on this long distance relationship. Instead of helping your child, you'd rather run off and have the nerve to blame your child whom you brought into this world WITH AN ABUSER. The audacity!
Julia Dray 8 months ago
I get the impression she’s no longer in a relationship with the a****r, since she said she’s in a long distance relationship with someone she wants to move in with? She’s only tied to the a****r because they have a child together?
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Trish Smith 3 years ago
This was your creation! I pray your son never realizes how much you resent him! Having a child together doesn't mean you have to stay in an abusive relationship for 14.5 years.! He's not tying you to your abuser.....You are!!
Cara G 3 years ago
She never said she resents her son. She clearly, pointedly said that she hopes she NEVER comes to resent him. Also neither she nor her son has tied her to the abuser. HER ABUSER HAS. You are very obviously misinformed about abusive relationship dynamics, the tactics used to keep victims powerless to leave (restricted or no access to $ or vehicles, isolation from family/friends, constant surveillance), and that the time when a victim is most likely to be murdered is when she is attempting to leave her abuser. Let's make the wild assumption that this woman knows her own life and situation better than you do seeing as SHE is the one living it. And that she's better equipped to understand what she can/can't do. Redirect all that blame you're spewing where it actually belongs - on the abuser.
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Sarah Kathrin Matsoukis 3 years ago
if you stay with an abusive partner the kid sees it and think it's normal and okay, absolutely always leave and get help
Moreover, Maier argues that society is very severe towards women who say they regret having children. “It is not something that is accepted. So nobody dares to say it. A lot of women even reject the thought - it is a shame not to be soooo happy all the time with your child.”
“Women are supposed to be delighted to give birth and take care of a small child, even if it is very boring, especially for educated and emancipated women who are used to doing interesting things in their lives (friends, culture, meaningful work...),” the psychoanalyst explained.
#10
I love my son, who is 4 next month. I love him so very much.
But I regret having him because I like sleep too much, and days like today where he wakes up at 4am and then doesn't sleep again until 8pm because he doesn't nap anymore... Days when all he does is scream and cry at me. He gets his impatience from me, his anger from me, his sensitivity from me, his attitude from me... He's a perfect reflection of myself and I HATE it. I had a confusing childhood when I was growing up, and it's mentally scarred me so badly that the only way I "remember' my childhood is from my mum telling me her memories of it.
Of course, he makes me laugh too! Children are the funniest people on the planet. He gives nice cuddles, he's sweet when he's not screaming, he's kind, he shares well, he kisses me on the cheek, comforts me when I'm sad...
But I regret having him because I am not going to be the mother he deserves, ever. I'm on anti-depressants but no amount of therapy can actually help me. I feel lost.
Winter 3 years ago
Therapy isn't there to "fix" you. It's there to help you navigate your complex self so you can "fix" yourSelf. And you can do it. The first step is to start believing that you can. Every time you have a negative thought that says "I can't,"... you override that with a thought that says, "I can". It takes perseverance... but, like anything, with practice...I think you'll find it get easier. And the negative thoughts become diminished.
Winter 3 years ago
That sounds so trite and hokey, but I swear it's true. When you have a negative thought, you banish that thought and replace it with a loving, more positive thought. Those negative thoughts are merely a habit, and not the truth.
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Penny Kemper 3 years ago
Sound like you need to get him on a schedule so he does wake that early. And nobody remembers all their childhood. Kids need routine and structure.
HannEli 3 years ago
YOU ARE PERFECT. You cannot be fixed because you are not broken. You do your best and that's the best thing to do. You said you are a little lost, we all are. You cannot fully train to be a parent, it is a day-to-day situation. You talk very sweet, cheerful and I feel you feel hopeful. I am rooting for you!!!!!!
Cara G 3 years ago
I agree with this so much! We all can only do our best with what we have available to us at any given moment. And it sounds like this woman is doing exactly that. She has lovely words to say about her child and she is taking steps towards improving her own happiness and mental health. I'm rooting for her too!
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Ginger ninja 8 months ago
If he’s screaming and crying all day then there is a chance that he is tired and does still need a nap
Jane Thorne-Gutierrez 3 years ago
The sad part, is the child will sense this and you aren't doing anything to cope. Get some help so you can both have some peace and love.
Katrin Richter 3 years ago
You are the mom he needs! Only you know to the fullest what he is going through and only you can navigate you both through that! It will get better, hold on to those cuddles and kisses and give yourself some space to be you again! You're doing great!
temp tempy 1 year ago
therapy is of minimal help. they basically ask you question so you get to talk, and it costs a fortune, but women don't listen to therapists. They talk at them. So save yourself money, get a stuffed toy instead. All your s**t that's in the past? It isn't any use to you, drop it today and stop hauling it around with you - would you keep every empty or part used bottle or can in your purse because it was once there and it might be helpful? no - because it would get heavy and start to stink Your past is like that. Your job with your kid is: see that they are alive, they get to school, and their health is looked after, and they learn hygiene and how not to do violence (ie other options). nothing else. AD's aren't great but generally better on than off. Only fixing underlying problem will improve that, and generally bad goal setting is the major cause. Social media is the next bad thing. Setting low but achievable goals and meeting them is best way forward, learn to get proper goals
#11
When my daughter turned 17 and stopped speaking to me I regretted putting her first her entire life. I think if I was wealthy she’d pretend to care about me now (she’s early 20s). But I’m not, so I’m worthless to her. I derailed my entire life for her. Her dad wanted to abort her and I made her entire life possible. And I thought I made it as good as I could. But whatever it was she needed was not something I could give, which isn’t her fault but her behavior now is. I don’t feel like I even got a chance with her.
I cope by thinking about her in the past tense, making peace with her being gone. Whoever she is now is a stranger to me. I haven’t seen her in years.
It’s not a good feeling. I have a step kid who still visits and my son loves me so I guess that’s a lot more than most people get and I value them so much. I try to focus on them.
Susie Elle 3 years ago
Genuine question, but I have trouble believing wealth is the only reason your daughter stopped talking to you. Not to be hurtful but what is her side of the story? What is her reason for cutting ties?
Dilly Millandry 3 years ago
I read it that she is saying her daughter would be around if she was wealthy as she'd hope to benefit from it. This one is hard to be sure about - the son loves her, her step child appears to care so how bad can she be? Though she could have got it wrong with the daughter. Sometimes parents have children who aren't great people and sometimes parents do a bad job. Most of the time it's a mix and this might well be six of one and half a dozen of another.
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Pisco 3 years ago
This sounds too much to "I birthed you, you are alive because of me so you own me your love". There are plenty of valid reasons to not speak to a mother
Kellie Jones 3 years ago
As someone that has had to cut a toxic parent out of her life, it was not something I did lightly. I did it so that I could survive and be happy in my life without her manipulation and trauma. I am in therapy to deal with the childhood trauma. We don’t do it lightly so although I am biased - I can’t help reading the victim perspective of my mother in this post and wondering what the daughter went through
Liam Walsh 3 years ago
That's the thing isn't it? We all read these with our own experiences running through our heads and colouring our reactions. Why would a child cut off a parent? I'd be like you and probably wonder what the parent has done. Yet a friend I've known all my life doesn't see one of their children anymore, ties cut by them. The child went off the rails quite badly. Drugs, alcohol, a debauched life tbh. They stole from their parents, dwindling friends and it was a mess. Yet the parents tried to help/be supportive. May or may not have done some of it awkwardly (I wasn't there for all of it) but their child has blamed them for everything. The other four children don't and feel it's very much their sibling at fault. It's a shame we can't hear the other side really so that we could understand it better.
Load More Replies... Anna Snorrepot 3 years ago
this is mostly about the mother being the reason the child is alive. The kid is an entity of itself. I don't think the mother can see the daughter as an independent human. It's all about her and her sacrifices.
Partsqueen 3 years ago
Wow. I read some of the responses and.....just wow! Not all were so judgmental, but a lot were. Sometimes it's hard to put a real, painful, difficult story out there. I would have expected more compassion. Yes there are crappy mothers out there, but just that she was willing to post this and tell others says a lot toward this not being the case. That's just my opinion.
Kristal 3 years ago
The difference between this post and others is that the parent is blaming the child for her regret, other parents are blaming themselves. This lady is selfish and entitled 'I gave you life. I raised you and put you before me, now you need to repay me". I have no sympathy for her.
Load More Replies... Lakota Wolf 3 years ago
“ I regretted putting her first her entire life.” - “I derailed my entire life for her.” - aren’t you SUPPOSED to put your kids first? (Within reason, one should take care of one’s physical and mental health). But… you chose to keep your daughter, lady. That’s what you signed up for.
Joey Marlin 3 years ago
As you say 'within reason'. One day they leave home and parents need to be able to lead a life with often very little input from their sons and daughters later on. Not because they don't care but people are often very busy with their own lives (and sometimes they don't care!). That aside says she regretted once she got cut off. So that implies she didn't have regrets with the child until this point. Why was she cut off? C**p mother? Possibly. Maybe she only thinks she put her daughter first and didn't. There is also the possibility that the daughter is bloody awful - someone has to give birth to the crappy people and it is not always the fault of their upbringing. My sister and I had the same childhood (if anything she was the favourite) and yet she is, um.. really not a great human. Let's word it like that!! It does happen. I'm playing devil's advocate though. Chances are the mother is less innocent of why it went wrong than she believes.
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Lyorai 3 years ago
I agree with the other 3 comments before me. There is a reason as to why a child turns away from their parent. My mother has a narcissistic disorder, has been gaslighting me all my live and said very terrible things to me. She denies it all. When I finally started getting better a few years ago (was severely depressed all my life) she told me "you were such a nice girl before" - because she could not manipulate me as easily anymore. So after years of trying I stopped all contact 2 years ago - I finally get to feel happy and start to learn who I am without anyone telling me other (terrible) things. My mum tells others that I have a mental disorder and delusions, she "prays for me to finally get the therapy I need" - "she did everything for me but I'm just so ungrateful" etc. So... yeah, I think there must be more to Ops story.
Terry Butler 3 years ago (edited)
I have experience surviving and confronting.Sometimes young people who have been physically or emotionally abused in childhood need time away from the situation to realize what they grew up in. Then comes the anger and what seems like permanent separation between the parent and the child. How the parent reacts to this can help heal or further fracture that relationship. Denial won't help. Listening and validating, if possible, can help. Even when a parent cannot see the damage they caused, a child may be willing to forgive in time. There is still hope.
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Judi Michelle 3 years ago
I cut my toxic af mother out of my life two years ago and I know that she says this sort of thing about me all the time. The reality is, no amount of money or "love" is worth my sanity or mental health. If your child has cut you out of their life and you do not do at least some bit of self reflection then it seems obvious that you are (at least in part) the problem.
Pete from Cali. USA 3 years ago
There are always two sides(or more) to every story. However, if neither side is really to blame or both sides are equally to blame, there's still hope. When the daughter gets older and wiser, she may reach out then to try to mend things. Hopefully, the parent will be wise enough not to make it toxic.
#12
I odd in that I have grandchildren without ever having had children. I married a woman with two grown children (17 & 21) and now I'm a grandfather of 3 granddaughters. Witnessing what I have as a grandfather has made my decision to have a vasectomy at 27 the single best one of my entire life. I am waaaaay to selfish with my time and money, and it would have totally ruined my marriage to have kids of our own.
Amy Mo 3 years ago
These are the reasons I give people when they rudely ask why I don’t have children. Now, at 44, I’m sitting in the doctor’s office waiting to schedule a hysterectomy. Should have done it at 27….but thankful because certain people shouldn’t breed and I’m one of them.
Bread and Circe 3 years ago
Kind of tangential to the topic, but just because I know how these things go, did your physician try to dissuade you in any way related to the rights and desires of a man, even if that's some future man you haven't met yet? I'd like to think we shed that possibility as we get older but it's such a prevailing attitude from physicians that I'm curious what your experience was today.
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Denise Lewis 3 years ago
funny how men can get a vasectomy with out having any children but women must have at least two children before a doctor will even consider sterilization and when i had it done if i had been married i would have to get my husbands signature and if a man decided i wasn't done having children and wouldn't sign i would not have been able to have it done so tell me why such a double standard as women we are not free to decided what we want to do with our bodies but men totally get to make any choice they want with out any signature from a women and now they are going to make abortion illegal i hope they make a law that a man who takes part in making those babies that they have to stick around and take care of there kids but i doubt that will happen
Joseph Bussen 3 years ago
Denise Lewis. Wait a second. Hold the phone. Are you telling me that women can't get (a female version, IDK what that is) vasectomy if she wants one? Why does she want one? MYOB! So a woman can't get one if she just decides I don't want to take a chance that sex might lead to children? This can't be right.
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Gabriel Sbárbaro 3 years ago
HAVING children is egotistical... there's no a single non-egotistical reason for having children... wanting to have a good life for your own is not selfish, is self care...
Jon Stafford 1 year ago
If you never had children then it is not possible to be a grandparent. The OP is a STEP-grandparent, which is not the same thing at all.
Mikey Kliss 3 years ago
My dad has been a good granddad. Terrible Father in the sense that he was never around and thought giving me money was a way to be a parent. But so far he's "carefree" lifestyle suits the Grandpa life
#13
I didn't realize that a maternal instinct is not universal. You know how you see parents in the delivery room and they are crying tears of joy? I felt nothing. Honestly, I could have left them at the hospital and it wouldn't have bothered me. I usually have no desire to spend time with them at all. I love them and have a strong sense of duty I just don't enjoy them or want to do any of the things they do. However I spent their whole lives going out of my way to care for them in every way a good mother should. My boys are well cared for and I am always here for them, but it feels very unnatural and fake and unenjoyable. It is a bit like a retail job you don't like where you put on a fake persona and slog through it the best you can. I don't get to leave this job, though. The worst is how I'm demonized for it. I've done eveverything I can for them for 16 years including all the extra curriculars (kids baseball is agonizing to fake enjoy I swear) and it has never been easy. Shouldn't I get more credit than those moms who love nothing more than spending time with their kids? That doesn't sound hard to me. Nope..I fail because I want my own life.
Jon Steensen 3 years ago
I wonder how that person's life is in other regards. Not feeling joy for your newborn baby could be symptom of a postpartum depression that was never discovered and treated. It happens if you are not very catious... If that person cannot feel much joy about other things that happens in life, but manages to do it anyway, it could be high functioning depression. Things may appear fine on the outside, however if you manage to "look under the hood" you will see a completely different picture, however people are rarely allowed to get that close.
Mary Bricklin 3 years ago
Yes, it could be a symptom of depression but not every woman feels maternal instincts and that's alright. We need to stop with this whole 'somethings wrong with you if you don't feel maternal urges' idea. Not every woman is meant to be a mother, there's nothing wrong with that.
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Denise Lewis 3 years ago
honestly if you felt no joy when they were born and feel like you are just going through motions and not acting as you feel it would be way worse on your children if you treated them by how you feel i had a horrible mother we were all told we were born to work we didn't get to be just children and she made it clear that she wished she never had f*****g kids i know this because that is what she told me she had three children that passed away before her and she never shed a tear question is if you hate it so much why did you have more than one and how do you know what the other parents feel and you feel you should get more credit for being a mother because you hate it please do not let your children know how you truly feel because it is soul crushing to know your mother doesn't love you i will give you credit for at least showing up for the things they do my mother never showed up for any of it i have children and i think you are going to feel very different when they are grown and gone
Donna Clanclan 3 years ago
I have a friend like this. She hid it well, but didn't feel a bond with her kid until they went to college. Over the last decade, she's really loved her kid. She said they just had to completely become their own person first.
lenka 3 years ago
I don't think there is a such a thing as "all those moms who love nothing more than spending time with their kids". Its a fallacy. A lot of parenting is fake and unenjoyable and you dont fail for acknowledging that you dont [always] enjoy parenting. I smile and nod through my sons very long and boring story about how he scored a goal and I watch for the millionth time as my daughter shows me a gym trick. No one talks about how boring kids can be precisely because we are demonized for it – but it is normal to think this. We need to stop glorifying parents and parenting and allow parents to seek their own joy and hobbies.
Pete from Cali. USA 3 years ago
I understand this feeling. Everyone's different and some women just aren't the motherhood type, however, society says women need to reproduce and be good mothers or they're shunned and labeled negatively. However, when a man is like this (which actually doesn't seem uncommon), he's still accepted by society. Society should mind their own business and stop pressuring everyone to reproduce! Let the couples decide IF or when.
Gabriel Sbárbaro 3 years ago
Did you had twins? And if you don't... why did you had another after the first knowing how you felt???
Marama Sionetama 3 years ago
I wished at times that I could knock off at 5.30pm and go home to my own space well at least two nights a week..... my children were well behaved, sensitive and giving, working parents, soccer, music and midweek activities..... just an unforgiving schedule sometimes
We also spoke with a mother, u/zuklei, who shared her story in response to this thread. She wrote: “I really do sometimes enjoy my son. But, having him has tied me to an abuser for the next 14.5 years. He still gets to abuse me.” The woman told us that she still has PTSD from domestic violence and wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until 39.
“Having a child ties me to my abuser until the abuser dies, my son is 18, or I somehow convince the court that 50/50 isn’t best for my son,” she said. “I can’t unwind when I have my son. He’s sweet and lovable but I don’t want to be around him. He demands I play games with him and really, it’s just him ordering me around and treating me like his dad did,” the woman shared.
She added that sadly, she’s beginning to resent him for losing quiet time and for keeping her chained to his father. “I'm going to end up being a bad parent if I’m not already,” she concluded in a heartbreaking statement.
#14
I can pretty much echo everyone else's responses. It's even harder when you're a strong introvert. It's driven me into on again/off again depression. I've been on medication since our first one was born. The 2nd one was a stupid mistake (plan B also didn't work). I've since got a vasectomy, although I should've gotten one after the 1st was born. Stuck with an infant and a toddler now. I'm also a father who stays at home, so that comes with its own societal bullshit. I've been shopping at Target with my kid by myself and gotten comments like "It's just weird seeing a dad doing the shopping." Go f**k yourself.
Gin 3 years ago
See fathers out with their children all the time - in shops, playgrounds, at the sea, taking them to school and back. Seems weird that people think anything of it these days. I'm often chatting to parents because their little ones want to pet my dogs. These days I swear I see near enough equal numbers of mums to dads outside of working hours (more mums during Monday to Friday still but I do know a few SATDs). Never occurred to me that this was considered unusual anymore.
Lochmessie momster 3 years ago
I think dads that stay at home rock :) and personally I love seeing dads out and about with their kids, it’s so refreshing. Keep up the good work!
Featherking 1 year ago
I’m glad it’s nothing strange where I live. Fathers being home with the kids, I mean. And certainly not doing the shopping - that hasn’t been weird since the fifties here. I’m blessed that way, and I hope it gets that way everywhere.
SCP-3998 3 years ago
Incredibly dîckish generalized comment with no basis in anything but personal view. You should have kept this one in the back of your mind, no one needs to read or know this personal view. Disgusting and reeks of misogyny
Load More Replies... #15
Gave up my autonomy for the child, who grew up autistic and now has purged me from her life at age 25
InvincibleRodent 3 years ago
This one desperately needs more context. No adult child would suddenly cut ties with their family for no reason. There is always a reason, and being frugal with words while trying to get sympathy is absolutely a red flag.
Jon Steensen 3 years ago
...however those reasons can sometimes be really stupid. A young person may be cutting ties could e.g. be because she/he has a perception of that the mother doesn't understand her/him, when what is really going on is that she/he are planning of doing something really stupid and the mother is "blocking the way" by advising against it because she has been there and done that, and knows that it will end up ruining a life. It is really quite common that you see teenagers who thinks that there parent are hopeless and write them off, only to realise that the were in fact quite resonable once they have gotten their own expensive experiences.
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María Hermida 3 years ago
She didn't "decide" to grow up autistic to annoy you. She was born autistic, and it sounds as if you never accepted her as she was. I maybe wrong, but you sound bitter about her being autistic.
Cara G 3 years ago
Granted, this post seems deliberately vague and the wording absolutely hints of resentment. But she did not say that her daughter "decided" to grow up autistic.
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temp tempy 1 year ago
yep it's a hassle but neither of you were owed "a life". give a hard look at those who demand you have such a child and when they demand you need to walk it or do better, ask them for their contribution. Not everyone gets to play on hard mode, so others can f-k off or back their requests with a real contribution. Their demands are only worth what their real contributions are matched with.
#16
I regret being part of generational trauma where the hurts hang ups and hangups of one generation damage the next generation. I was damaged by my parents. I was not able to talk it out with my parents and feel forgiveness for them and move on. My hurts hang ups and habits caused me to pick a troubled husband with infertility issues. We had children after many trials and much expense and divorced when they were of age. . One grown child has several mental health issues, does not work, and is hard to talk to. I love that child deeply. The other grown child has detached from me and the other family members.i love that child so much. As a divorced woman I realized my regrets especially on holidays. My ex and I worked so hard and sacrificed so much so the kids could have love and braces and education, activities, health care and trips and all of it, but now I spend holidays alone. The kids don't seem happy. They don't want to get together with me. No one says I love you to me. No hugs or feelings like it was all worth it.
Jodie Davies 3 years ago
This sounds like my own mother speaking. Accept our side of the story is that she’s a selfish, self absorbed alcoholic in denial who ruins all family events.
Kim Contreras 3 years ago
When people claim they were damaged by their parents they must realize that their children will say the same thing about them.
Gina Bobeana 3 years ago
Did you tell them everyday how much of a sacrifice they were? Make them feel indebted? Think they were going to save your life? This is what I am not reading here , but?
Denise Lewis 3 years ago
you are not alone i am treated the same way by my kids im sorry i know how bad it feels
Aussie panda 3 years ago
It doesn’t say that her husband/children’s father was abusive. It says ‘troubled’ which could be mentally unwell or similar. It sounds like HER childhood was abusive but I didn’t take it that her husband was abusive.
Load More Replies... #17
Because kids aren't the life completer we believe they are. Actually they take away from your quality of life daily. My kids are 13 and 11 and they STILL mess up my daily life. Worst of all is I love them so much I couldn't do without them even though they disturb my peace all the time. I do not reccomend having children. Maybe one but not necessary. We perpetuate the species needlessly.
Aria Whitaker 3 years ago
Wow. This is an eye opener. It shows how personal some things are to people...and all advice may not be the right advice for every person. If I did not have kids and took this advice...my life would be SO different. I am 100% the total and complete opposite of this commenter. My kid has INCREASED the quality of my life so much, that no matter what they "messed up" in regards to life quality, it pales in comparison. I have learned so much from her and because of her and enjoyed it immensely. I would have experienced NONE of that if I had taken the advice of folks like this poster. She is not wrong, and her opinion is just as valid as any other mothers'...but it opened my eyes to how the same act can be so different and mean completely different things to various people.
JustAnother Soul 3 years ago
Kids need parents like you. The world needs parents like you.
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Katarzyna B. 3 years ago
Met a guy recently I liked, but he wants kids... because he had a good childhood. Being a kid and having one are not the same thing. The world is different than it was in the 80s. And after an already troubled life, I don't want a kid at, what, my mid 40s by the time we get married (I'm 42). I want to travel and be free. I'm still learning how to take care of myself.
Varvara Alderman 3 years ago
I had a great childhood but I think that's exactly why I'm not sure I want kids. The sacrifices my mom made for me to have such great childhood. I just don't think i want to make those myseld.
Load More Replies... Marco Conti 3 years ago
My wife and I had one child. I love her to pieces and she is an adult. Having more than one was not an option. It wasn;t the money. I didn't want to put my wife through another nightmare.
DetongLhamo 3 years ago
I was a second child. My mother still blurts out that she wished she’d only had one. Watch what you say- words HURT.
Rivka Ostroff 3 years ago
Its crazy because my kids 100000% complete my life. The only issue for me is the fear that something might happen to them one day. But right now they are blissfully young and under our protective wing.
Amy Joyce 5 months ago
Having kids has made my life both better and worse but I think that goes for everything in life. Not much is only totally great in life. I struggle every day to even want to be here and I've tried so many things to help myself but it's hard on your own with basically no one. I try to make my kids happy at least but half the time they still aren't, probably because I do too much for them tbh. It often makes me wonder y I bother at all. I just try my best every day and hope they turn out OK and still love me as adults later.
Jon Stafford 1 year ago
People with children also age 11 times faster than people without. That's why your childless friends in their 60s look so great!
#18
All you need is a special needs kid to think something along the lines of "I wouldn't want him to die or anything, but if I could go back to before he was conceived I'd do things differently."
High Mamii Melo 3 years ago
I’ve never understood why some people are against in utero genetic testing. Wouldn’t you want to know if you were likely going to have a special needs child so you can prepare or decide to abort?
Cara G 3 years ago
Anti-choicers like to couch this as discrimination against the "pre-born".
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JaimeeJames WD 3 years ago
What a load of c**p. Speak for yourself. Not every parent of kids with disabilities agrees with you and thinks if they could go back they wouldn’t have them. I certainly hope my family don’t think that about me and I definitely don’t about my own kids. I understand there are times though where a child is born with profound disability which causes significant suffering and really poor quality of life and I can completely empathise with families having complex feelings about that.
Ny Kh 9 months ago
A majority of parents feels like that when they have a difficult child. Autistic child for example.
Load More Replies... #19
I have a preschooler.
Things I don’t like: can’t go anywhere alone. Can’t have quiet time to myself unless they’re sleeping. Always being touched. Always being asked to do things that they can’t do on their own. Having to do daily care tasks for them like bathing & making meals. Always worried they’re going to do something bad when I’m not looking & get hurt. Not being able to move because I don’t have family or friends to help. I only have their dad & his family.
Things I do like: their laugh. Cuddles at bed time. Experiencing their imagination. Sharing funny things together. Hearing about their day. Hugs. Teaching them how to be a good person. Imagining how they’ll be as they get older.
I regret having a kid and I realized it once I became single and had to do these things on my own. I couldn’t leave them with the dad anymore. I’m just waiting it out and hoping it gets better once they’re able to be home alone for a couple hours.
InvincibleRodent 3 years ago
"Always being touched" is a big one not many people mention. I'm sure it's incredibly exhausting and overstimulating when you're already tired, already stretched too thin, and the touches and attention this little person requires just keeps sending you into sensory overload. That's yet another one on my list of reasons why I won't have kids.
Jiminy 3 years ago (edited)
I got a stepchild, they were 5. And the constant touching in combination with the constant acoustic stimulation really really really made me wanna scream. I never did, but it was SO hard, my nerves were so thin. And they were (and are) a lovely child I love dearly. But I cannot imagine having one around me all the time.
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AmAndA_Panda 3 years ago
Always being touched. That right there. I mean we know personal space becomes a thing of the past. But I personally have touch issues. And trying to be "ok" with my daughter constantly touching me so that she didn't develop the same issues was an ongoing battle.
Stace Maree 3 years ago
I think... Why is she talking to me? Why does she keep talking and hugging me? It's hard but I do it, and fake the emotions.
marianne eliza 3 years ago
Sounds kind of like what I am dealing with with my 90 year old parents. Except there are no fun things like the 2nd paragraph.
Donna Clanclan 3 years ago
I took care of other peoples kids in teens and sometimes early 20's. Everything you describe didn't bother me. It was a decade later, when I took care of a toddler again. I love that lil guy, but I wasn't crazy about all the intrusions. Your four and potty trained can't you sit and watch TV by yourself while Auntie goes potty? Nope. He wants to be in the bathroom with you. Can Auntie shower by herself while the three kids eat breakfast, knowing that the elder two can manage the toddler for this without help? Nope. The toddler will fling his body repeatedly against the door trying to get in. The only reason the door didn't open is because I tied it shut. Yep, the parents had no interior door in their home that had a working lock...including their own bathroom. 'Oh, you'll feel differently when it's your own kids. Just wait until you have to go out of town for a weekend just to have sex because at home there is always a kid in your bed.' Um, not how we were raised. Wth?
Fiona Beswick 3 years ago
Watch Supenanny and follow her instructions. It works like a dream. Those tantrums stop once they realise you are a mighty wall who doesn't budge. Then they adore you for it, because they feel you are strong and they feel safe with you
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Heather Menard 3 years ago
My mother wished she didn't have kids and never bothered withe and gave all her attention to my sister. It seriously effected me don't do that to your kids.
Pete 3 years ago
Something in this story brings me back to an idea, that wandered to me earlier. Neurodivergent parents have SO much more to bear than neurotypicals, and because many conditions are heavily underdiagnosed, many parents feel these heavy burdains weighing them down — without knowing it’s not their fault they are exhausted. Not saying it’s the case here, but just a thought that has helped me personally a lot.
Gwendoline Blotiau 3 years ago
I feel what you feel. My mum leave on the other side of the globe and my father has no patience with my son. He's 12 getting more independant. I also do my best. The worst is when my husband (not the father) who always have the help of his parents for his daughters tells me to do less... HUGE FIGHT telling that hopefully he has his mummy take care of her little princesses... because with his work load it would be impossible to take care as much as I do with my son
#20
I regret having my son more than I don’t. I love him. I want to not regret having him. However, I have anxiety, depression and ADHD. I cannot multitask, I don’t deal well with loud noises or lots of different noises at once, I’ve always struggled if I get less than 8 hours sleep, and I constantly second guess my decisions as a parent. I’m an exclusively single mother, so no back-up/second parent. I’m exhausted most days.
So how I cope- I’m in therapy weekly, I try to raise my son to be independent (instead of always reliant on me), I tell my son when I need quiet time and I try to take it maybe an hour a day on weekends. I have a babysitter come once a week so i have a night to myself. (I’m an introvert so I don’t need to always go out with others, but need time to myself.) My therapist mentioned focusing on little positive things. I struggle to understand the phrase “children are a blessing” so my therapist works with me on finding little moments that are positive and celebrating those instead of focusing on the overarching big negative things. I also try not to worry about the future (mine, my sons, how he will do in life) because focusing on this isn’t helpful. It isn’t perfect and every day is still hard, but I think I’m moving towards a happier place.
ETA: it’s probably also relevant that my work profession has one of the highest suicide rates and is also very mentally draining. I love what I do and feel that I am good at it, but it is grueling.
JaimeeJames WD 3 years ago
I’m sorry for what this poster is dealing with but so impressed with the coping skills and mitigations. This parent is absolutely killing it and should be so proud of how hard they are working to look after themselves and their child. Im sorry they’re struggling but this post is a great example of a self aware and caring parent.
Tara L. 1 year ago
It sounds like most of these people are struggling because they picked the wrong male to have kids with. Women, if he's a loser now, having kids will just make him worse, he's not to going to magically step up & be a man if he wasn't before. Get rid of your man if he's worthless & don't have kids with him.
Sudeep Sarkar 9 months ago
Amelie's mom felt blessed release when the Canadian tourist fell on her at Notre Dame.
#21
Honestly, I'm not a good mother. I'm not as abusive as my own, but I still didn't have the tools and knowledge needed to be a good parent. I was 16, and though I tried, I simply fell very short and became an alcoholic. My kids have dealt with a lot from me the past 3-4 years so I'm just trying to give them thier space and live their lives, while I continue to struggle with mine. I love them, they are incredible human beings, but if I'd been older maybe I'd have done better. I can't remove the trauma I've inflicted on them, but hopefully I can stop making it. I fear so much them having their own (all cis daughter's, as far as I know.) Will I also be a disappointment as a grandmother? Will they let me in my grandchildren's lives? Do I want to be? As well as the anxiety I have as a millennial? Is it even wise for them to have children? Wait do they thank that and then wont? Will there even be a future for them? My girls have all made it to "adulthood" without becoming pregnant, and I'm morbidly proud of that. First generation non teen moms. Sorry this question triggered me a bit, I miss them on this holiday, and I've been drinking. But that's the truth, I regret so much, but not their existence.
Edit, cause...
Leesa DeAndrea 3 years ago
It's the rare person who is a fit parent at the age of 16. You're still a child yourself trying to raise your child.
María Hermida 3 years ago
At 16 you are too young to look after a baby. It's not your fault. I know that doesn't make the situation better, but at least try not to blame yourself for it. I can't understand what the adults around these "teen mothers" are thinking of. Their system is obviously not working, but they won't change it. Good sex education could prevent many dramas, but these stupid puritans refuse to see reality.
Featherking 1 year ago
At least you ask yourself the right questions and see the important patterns. I hope you can get rid of the monkey on your back and become someone you’re proud of.
Ginger ninja 8 months ago
You were a child yourself and you admit your faults, thats better than most parents do
#22
I wasn't ready to stop being selfish. I'm only two years in so it's still the intense stage, but parenting so far has just been relentlessly exhausting. I feel like having a kid closed off a lot of possibilities for me, definitely killed any semblance of spontaneity in my life.
Jodie Davies 3 years ago
Mines nearly 7 and it gets so much better. I’m obsessed with him and miss him when he’s at school. On the flip side. So much talking.
Pete from Cali. USA 3 years ago
I have seen this too. Some of my most outgoing and adventureous friends had kids and compeltely stopped doing anything they used to enjoy. It was like this for the first few years, they tried to have trips but it was always focused around the child and it was not adventureous at all. Parenthood really changes things and sometimes, it seems best to wait until later. This is also what often happens to womens' professional careers so it isn't fair to call it selfish. Working hard to build and advance their careers and then potentially ending it because they had a child is a real thing.
lenka 3 years ago
Relentless is the best word to describe the first years until they start school. My girlfriend calls them "the dark dark days". Carving out small amounts of what people call 'selfish' time actually helps you be a better parent. Small children take and take and take until you are empty and it's really hard to keep giving. Its really important to recharge - not just for you, but also for the kids. You only need to read the posts here from parents who resent their children because they gave up everything for their children. Don't be one them. Your children wont remember the afternoon you disappeared to take yourself out. They will remember the energy you had to engage with them because your tank was full.
Judy Stembridge 3 years ago
It was probably your spontaneity that helped you get pregnant to begin with. You also had multiple options once you became pregnant other than keeping your child. Even now you can still give up your parental rights and allow someone else to adopt your child. Don’t push your poor decision making off on your child who, by the way, didn’t ask to be born and have you as a mediocre parent.
#23
Two friends of mine had a kid together. This is exactly what they told me. Nothing spontanious happens anymore, everything has to be planned and as a result of that, they are never invited to anything anymore, because they cant come anyway. Now that I type this I realise I am having a BBQ with my (other) friends tonight and didnt even bother to invite them (out of politness) because I know they cant make it anyway
Rahul Pawa 3 years ago
I don't think that it's polite to exclude them on the presumption that they can't make it.
Carrie Laughs 3 years ago
Indeed. Why presume? Ask. They may say no 99 times out of 100 but give them the choice. Some might need practice to get out and leave their children the first few times. It's not bad for the children either. I LOVED it when my parents went out! 😁
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Jennifer Dibble 3 years ago
How do you know they can't do it? I think a lot of times people with kids stop hanging out with their childless friends, not because the kids keep them from going out, but because the friends without kids assume they can't make it. They treat the "breeders" as essentially dead to their social circle. I have three kids and my husband and I always have made time to continue having suicidal lives away from the kids. Have have last minute dinners or outings. We've done this at all stages (our oldest is 14), yet it only took a year or two for our friends without kids to stop inviting us to things. Make sure it's not you doing the excluding. As for the people with kids, we'll carry on having our social lives, whether you invite us or not.
Carrie Laughs 3 years ago (edited)
For me it was the other way round. My friends with children stopped inviting me to things. I was fond of their children, played with them and spent time with them and yet regularly heard 'you don't know what it's like to have a child' usually apropos of nothing bar their need to let off some steam (which I didn't mind). I wasn't anti children and I listened and was supportive when they needed to vent. Never questioned their choices or attempted to give parenting advice!! One wouldn't even let me hold their baby because they only let those who had children hold them. I'd held my lovely nephew many, many times!! Not sure what they thought non-parents would do - drop kick them across the living room? Weird. Still, their choice. I've made better friends since (some with children) ones that don't judge you and put you in a 'place' based on having children or not. Shame people have to sit either side of this barrier really.
Load More Replies... Pete from Cali. USA 3 years ago
Same things happened with my friends. What's worse is when they want to come, they say they'll come, and then they cancel for kid reasons. It really messes up the planning when half of the guest list doesn't show up often.
Penny Kemper 3 years ago
They can't get a babysitter? This is why most people with kids have friends with kids. But seriously if you want to do something you find a way. Smh
Transat 3 years ago
If you want to do something you find a way. If you don't want to do something you find an excuse.
Load More Replies... Tara L. 1 year ago
I don't understand this. We take the kid everywhere, she's well behaved & is used to going places with us. That's how I was raised, my parents took us everywhere, having kids didn't stop them from doing stuff & it doesn't stop us from doing stuff. Even spontaneous stuff is possible if you stop thinking of your kid as a weight to be dragged along.
April Pickett 3 years ago
Can you make "us" time, say once a month, to go to lunch, library, coffee, or get your hair done? If not, how about time at the park, playground, or sandbox with her and the child? Remember, the child needs other adult company as much as she (or them) do. Invite them to the next BBQ, and the next, and the next. If they don't see people, it may take them a time or two to get back into making an effort to talk to other people.
#24
I had a miscarriage after an accidental pregnancy at 16 and was so depressed for a year, me and my boyfriend (at the time, now husband) decided to try for another one. I am still thinking wtf was I thinking!? I love love love my son (now 5) and my daughter who’s turning 2 in the summer but oh my god I should have waited. I missed out on a lot and my teenage brain thought it would be easy or something. In the back of my mind I knew it would be hard but I thought it couldn’t be that hard. I also struggle with many mental health issues which do not help; anxiety, depression, ptsd, add, autism and so it is a struggle!! Especially with very active kids I would love to just sleep all day again like the summer when I was 15, it was probably the last time I was mostly mentally ok and felt free. I still dream about it a lot, I think it may be an escape from the stress and guilt of having my babies before I was ready to be a mama. I still try my hardest to give them a better childhood than I had though. Also I was 115 pounds when I got pregnant with my first after my second I am now 201 and it’s so uncomfortable and makes me not want to leave my house. I’ve always been able to lose weight quick but something about my second pregnancy made my body stop losing weight. I still do everything I did before she was born and it feels impossible. There should be better sex Ed in America.
Deb Dedon 3 years ago
There was better sex ed in America and there can be again. Don't wait for politicians (from school boards to legislatures) to make this possible. Give yourself a purpose for the future - educating other adolescent, young and dreamy women about reality. In the USofA, women must once again rise up and, not only demand better education and care, but provide it!
Svenne O'Lotta 1 year ago
Intentionally trying for a baby at 17 is the most insane thing I've ever heard
Ginger ninja 8 months ago
Where were the adults in your lives? Two teenagers already grieving the loss of one (accidental) baby cant make a rational decision about intentionally trying for a baby
#25
Destroyed marriage via:
Forget passionate love make (it becomes a chore) when kids start walking
The things you did together, you can no longer do, together, or very rarely
The things you enjoyed individually, can not be replicated either
Forget unwind time, personal space, etc...
Over years people change, and nothing accelerates change as having another depend being (or three).
That's for the marriage bit.
Then there's work/life balance which goes out the f**king door. The stress at work, and the increasing stress of job market, you do not have the luxury of coming come to dissipate. What happens is that you come home after a nasty, stressful day, and the stress is COMPOUNDED with home/kids problems. Have that for years...
I love my kids, I'd STILL have them, but there are sacrifices people are not prepared for. I've seen marriages destroyed, homes destroyed, I've seen mental breakdowns, drugs usage, etc...
Chucky Cheezburger 3 years ago
Yeah, kids don't necessarily make a marriage stronger. The roughest patch that my wife and I had was after our son was born.
lenka 3 years ago
I've been crucified for saying this....but my relationship with my husband is a greater priority than my relationship with the children. My husband and I are the foundation of the family unit and if it fails then the kids loose the benefit of a healthy stable home. Not only that but the kids will grow up and leave to seek their own life. I intend on continuing mine with my husband.
nini 3 years ago
That's what keeps me from having children. My partner has a stressful job and works a lot - It will be the same for me when I finished studying and start working soon. I love children, but I'm not ready to "sacrifice" the little time I'll have to them. How should I unwind, relax and take care of myself at home, when I have to care for another, totally dependend, being?
Archanae 8 months ago
What happened to living near our relatives so they could also be involved in the kid's lives? I grew up with my grandma and we lived with her until I was 15. Then we moved 15kms away and still saw her daily. My mom relied a hell of a lot on my grandma bc she had me at 22, and still wanted to ''live''. My mom would sleep and my grandma would take care of me, she was the true love of my life. I was so happy growing up, surrounded by family, being loved beyond measure (but still being raised, wasn't spoiled or whatever). I'm sorry that almost no one in the ''western world'' gets to experience that anymore. Everybody is so lonely... I'm child free now at 34, by choice and I'm not closed off to the idea of having kids but not now. It's not for me. And bring a little one in a world where my grandparents don't exist anymore doesn't sound appealing to le me, the world is shittier for they're not in it
Daddio7 3 years ago
Ha, my girlfriend tricked me into getting her pregnant, simple enough. she want to get married to get away from her dysfunctional family. I was 19. 13 years later she dumped two kids on me so she could have her freedom. I remarried, had two more. Now my wife has to look after are maniac granddaughter three afternoons a week. She also is taking care of her 85 year old dad in our home and working two days a week. I will be eighty before these obligations end. Life sucks and then you die.
April Pickett 3 years ago
You need a better outlook. Find something on the way to work that makes you smile. Find something on the way home that makes you smile. Find something before work or after the kids have gone to bed that makes you smile. My calmer-downer is classical music. It doesn't stress me the way popular music does, and then I read.
#26
I love my daughter so much.
But I'm not a good mother. I have so many of my own problems -- fibromyalgia, C-PTSD, can barely work, no degree and certainly no real career -- and she has so many of her own -- ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder, and probably autism too -- that raising her is so very difficult. I'm at my wit's end just trying to do baseline stuff, like work and clean the house and cook, and then add on all of our appointments and the fact that just talking to her can be an ordeal, never mind parenting her.
I have no idea how I can raise her to be a functioning adult, and let alone survive raising her. This week itself has already been a nightmare, an utter, utter nightmare. My depression and anxiety have gotten severe again, so much that my s*icid*l ideation is back (I was discharged from therapy in 2020 because I was coping so well, and now I'm not again).
That's not even counting the fact that it's a terrible time in history to have kids. I don't even know what her world is going to look like when she graduates from high school in ten years.
I love kids and babies, and I wanted a big family. I'm dying on the inside that my brother is having a baby with his wife and I shouldn't/won't/can't have one with my fiance (not my daughter's bio dad, which was an abusive POS). I'm grieving over what life has taken from me in so many ways, and I'm just struggling to survive at this point.
*sighs*
Jon Steensen 3 years ago
mental illness runs in fammilies. So if you have some kind of mental illness that you are suffering from, why would you force the same kind of suffering onto another human being, and having to cope with double the trouble? I think the world would be a better place if more people did some critical evaluation of exactly what it would be that they are creating, before breeding. We do not breed on the worst performing animals, and the same should to some extend also go for humans, where we should not let our own selfish needs should not trumph the wellbeing of another person we can create and form. (said by er person who has chosen to remain childless as he has deemed his own genes unsuitable for propergation)
Valentino (they/it/he/xe) 3 years ago
Jon, that's eugenics, that's not a good thing.
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Susie Elle 3 years ago
I'm sorry this is happening to you OP. Is going back to therapy an option?
Isaac Harvey 3 years ago
I(18M) have one relatively mild diagnosis (psoriasis) from around when I was born and two significant diagnoses from later in my life. I was diagnosed with childhood brain cancer 2 weeks before my tenth birthday, and then epilepsy when I was 16. Even if the systems here in the US (of course) were modified such that raising kids were easier, I still wouldn’t. I need MRIs every 3 months to monitor my tumor and have to take two anti-seizure medicines every 12 hours. I am always tired for at least a week after an MRI, and as for my prescription… they both have long lists of side effects, and some of them deal with more sensitive topics, so I’ll just say here that I’m on levetiracetam and lamotrigine.
Dilly Millandry 3 years ago
Used to work for a charity supporting people with brain tumours - so have seen fairly close up the impact they and the meds can have. Have a hug from a stranger 🤗
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Jeanette Reynolds 3 years ago
My son had all those things. We were even in a study at the NIH. It was a long row to hoe, but once we found the right drug cocktail it was a whole new ballgame. That was when he was 10. Now he is in Honors College and is studying to get his degree in Computer Science. He didn’t even read until 5th grade. Never give up.
Suzanne Hunter 3 years ago
Don’t stop therapy, even when you are doing well. Not talking to someone can undo what you have accomplished.
M.T. Noah 3 years ago
if there is no one forcing their views on you, is there anything to oppose/defy? so is this a 'disorder' or a made up thing that authoritarians insist must be so they can pretend thinking people who see their injustice are sick and can be disregarded?
Rosemary Booth 3 years ago
I assure you that Oppositional Defiance Disorder is a real disorder. My younger sister (adopted) has ODD and Borderline Personality Disorder and my parents have struggled with raising her for her entire life. Dealing with someone with ODD and BPD can be an infuriating and exasperating exercise in futility. Look up these disorders online and you'll see just how real these disorders are, and hopefully you'll be thankful that you don't have to experience how they can destroy entire families.
Load More Replies... #27
My daughter was born mentally disabled. I alway tell myself it could be worse, that there are kids who just shake back and forth in wheelchairs... thing is she is happy now but has no concept of death and I can only imagine what it will be like when her mother and I are gone. She will be institutialized and abused probably.
Dilly Millandry 3 years ago (edited)
Ideally you should sort out the home she'll need before you both die. Don't let it happen to her after the last one of you dies. Do it early enough and gradually so she gets used to it. Prevents it being so much more of a shock when she loses her parents and gets placed in a home. Also then you can monitor and make sure she is happy. Appoint guardians who will do this after your death if you can.
Sheila Stamey 3 years ago
As a resident of assisted living, I can vouch that if you are careful and choose wisely, she can be very happy.
Load More Replies... #28
I am struggling with constant anxiety and stress from work spilling over into my few hours at home and making us all miserable. My boys are at the age where they are ruining EVERYTHING in the house I rent. It’s going to cost me thousands to repair it before we move. We don’t struggle for money, but only because I work constantly. I put way to much responsibility on my oldest daughter despite having a full time nanny. I feel like I’m losing control of everything, and a deep depression is setting in. Constantly fighting thoughts of just giving up.
Dilly Millandry 3 years ago (edited)
"Boys at an age where they are ruining everything" - sounds more like can't cope with parenting them and putting in the time and effort required to stop it (working full time makes that hard!). Children can be destructive but you can't just let them get on with it unfortunately. Though you have a full time nanny as well? Why aren't they stopping it? Clearly she needs help with the depression and maybe a tougher nanny!! Feel sorry for the oldest daughter as well.
Jiminy 3 years ago (edited)
Agreed. Boys are not automatically destructive and disregarding of property just because they are boys of a certain age.
Load More Replies... Denise Lewis 3 years ago
what's the nanny doing while they destroy the house and i don't think you realize you can afford a full time nanny most can't and don't have that luxury imagine now being not able to afford this person so you can do what ever you want when you want and why is your daughter being put in the position of having to be the nanny you pay for
Kathleen Kennedy Runyon 3 years ago
You have a full time nanny? Sounds like you need to have a talk with her about the boys ruining everything!
Emma Starr 3 years ago
Hang in there! You could use some support, and a lot of mental health workers are doing telemedicine. You guys are worth the effort!
Ginger ninja 8 months ago
So the nanny isnt nannying, you’re not parenting meanwhile you are parentifying your eldest daughter. This is just neglectful
#29
They spend all your resources. Eat all your food. Loud as f**k all the time. Having a child costs a lot of money. You can't just do what you want anymore, you need permission from who ever is going to watch your child.
Marjolein Gorter 3 years ago
Sounds like you didn't overthink having a kid AT ALL! Don't blame a kid for having to eat and needing a bit of attention....
MoodyBlue 3 years ago
I think the topic was "parents who regret having kids". Therefore, no one should be surprised to read stories in which parents regret having kids.
Load More Replies... #30
My life turned into a living hell when my oldest son was a teenager. He started using drugs at 14, he was arrested for breaking into cars at around the same age. Things continued to escalate and we had no control of him, we tried everything. He continued to use drugs, he sold drugs. The state of Florida has a law that the parents are responsible for the minor until the age of 18. He could not be emancipated because he was not financially independent and we couldn't afford to support him outside of our home. So we were forced to keep him in our home. It was 4 years of living hell, I had 2 breakdowns and our marriage was torn apart. He was a good kid until age 14, smart in school, and neither my husband nor I used drugs. There's no guarantee how your kid will turn out.
HarriMissesScotland 3 years ago
And why isn't he in jail? I don't mean to be rude because I know this is devastating for you . My best friend's grandson went to jail for 2 years when he was 17 for the same crimes as your son. We are also in Florida, and unfortunately, he gets out in November. I am so sorry that you went through a mental breakdown and a divorce. I hope that you are getting the help that you need. And I know that having a "good child" go down the wrong path is hurtful. I watched my father, who had Alzheimer's go from being ok, to dead, in less than a month, when he realized what my sibling had done. I hope that things get better for you and your family.
Many women find that the challenges and sacrifices of motherhood can be unexpected and intense, making it important to understand the full spectrum of experiences involved.
For those wanting to explore personal accounts and reflections on the difficulties some mothers face, the shared stories in mothers who express complex feelings about their journey provide valuable insight into this perspective.
#31
...got two kids... both teenagers now. The eldest has anxiety and depression... sometimes I wonder how my wife and I have managed to stay married through it all. We love both our kids more than anything, but having one with mental health issues is just exhausting. You start to anticipate the crazy as you're driving home from work. Almost nothing gets her out of her moods, and it weighs heavy on all the relationships in the household. She does therapy and meds, and they help some, but it's like she's just hell bent on seeing the worst possible view of everything. So then you imagine the life that this person you love is likely to lead, given this tendency, and it's just depressing. It gets hard to maintain hope.
"Regret" is a strong word, but if we could go back to when she was little and happy, and just stay there, it would be a lot better.
Raven DeathShade 3 years ago
Oh. I have mental health issues (I know this isn't either of my parents, since they have 11 kids). I wonder if, deep down, this is how they think? Or if they don't think it now, I wonder if that's how they thought of me before I got on medication and improved my mental health drastically. If you'll excuse me, I'll be contemplating my life for a bit.
Dill 3 years ago
This just sounds like a desire to return to happier times tbh. Nostalgic for when it was easier to make their child happy and to chase away problems. A lot of parents feel like that just with bog standard puberty when it sometimes turns a happy child into a stroppy adolescent (not all of course!). There is clearly great love here. It is sad that they are anticipating their child having an unhappy and difficult life. Sounds like they've not been so successful with the meds as I hope you have been as you say it improved things drastically. If I may venture a suggestion, don't dwell on what they may have thought in the past. You are all in a different place now and doing better and that is what matters.
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Nicole 3 years ago
This sounds so difficult. I’ve been the teenager with anxiety and I realise now that I’m an adult that it must have been really hard on my parents. If I could say anything it would be just to hang in there. The meds and the therapy do make a difference over time and while it’s not always plain sailing even now the relationship I have now with my mum and dad is really good and we’re very close. I wish you all the best.
#32
I regret it because I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. I feel like I got pressured into it by my wife. She wouldn't take no for an answer. Well we got f**ked on the first pregnancy and had twins. Had only been married a year ish. After that my marriage went way past the shitter and just got worse. After a while it got better and then she wanted another kid. I still didn't want the first two but I gave in. Now we have three. I'm even more miserable. I feel stuck and I can't please everyone. I work a shit ton so my wife has them most of the time. Whenever I discipline them she screams at me because I'm not doing it her way. I'm constantly belittled by her and always told I'm doing something wrong. I actually hate my life. I've contemplated offing myself a few times but would feel bad for doing that to my kids. NOT my wife, my kids. I wake up every day hating myself, my life, and every f**king choice I've ever made. If I could go back in time I would beat the shit out of myself with a crowbar for even contemplating getting married. Literally would do anything to start over and be single for ever. I'm only 25 but I never would have thought I would hate life this much when I was 18.
Susie Elle 3 years ago
Please think about relationship therapy or marriage counselling. If nothing else, a divorce is also an option. Ending your life rarely is :(
Aria Whitaker 3 years ago
25? Good lord. I feel so sorry for this guy. I am SO glad my mother taught me to wait until after college for marriage. 18 is...pretty dang young. I was able to get my "party days" out of my system, had a few relationships, started my career, THEN contemplated marriage...THEN kids. I will make sure I pound that concept into my daughter's head...the horror stories of these 18 and 20 year old marriages are terrible.
Katarzyna B. 3 years ago
Don't like it when folks demonize marriage. You chose the wrong partner, and decided to have kids you did not want.
#33
I will start by saying I never wanted kids. I was married at 20, had my first kid by 21, second kid by 22. First kid is out on his own.. And let me tell you his 18th birthday couldn't come fast enough so he could move out. Second kid is moderately to severely affected by autism. She will never hold a job or live on her own. I never got to enjoy my 20's or 30's. I never will be able to take the amazing vacations that my friends all plaster Facebook with. I will never have free time with my husband because no one wants to watch an autistic low functioning 20 year old. Hell, there's not even leaving her at home alone for a few hours to go shopping or watch a movie or anything. My husband had to quit his job to become a stay at home dad for her because there are no decent services for adults with autism. We had to move away from friends and family just to find a decent school for her. Kids take so much time and money and energy. Having a disabled one is even more physically and mentally draining. I love my children. More than I can ever express. They never asked to be brought into this world. I have an obligation to care for my daughter because no one else will. There will never be an end for us as far as "raising" our kid then having her leave home so we can live our lives. I do become sad about missing out on things. Adventures and trips and vacations. But we modify our plans to include her. We are lucky because our daughter is sweet and a lovely girl. I can't even imagine how hard life is for her. I at least am able to make my own choices, have friends, and work and love. These things are probably not going to be available to her. So I guess I don't really regret having kids, I regret having a child who has to live every day with autism. For her, not me.
#34
I was ready, or so I thought. However my wife was not. After delivering she sank into post-partum depression and I was the only one doing things for the first year. She's never done as much as me, and always has an excuse. I have lost all my friends because I have all the problems of a single parent and I still have to earn enough to support my wife and kid. Oh I didn't mention she does the bare minimum at home AND has no job or income? Well that is the case. I have a good paying job to facilitate this, but I hate it. So why don't I get a divorce? Because I don't want to share my kid. She (for some inscrutable reason) would fight me for custody, plus since we've been married over a decade , she'd also be entitled to alimony. Forever. So I'd give up seeing my kid every day and over half my income. It just isn't worth the deal. Sex stopped being important to me years ago and I already decided that if I ever find myself single again, I will NEVER get married again. Long story short folks, don't marry someone who isn't capable of moving past the "me first" phase of their life. And if you are one of those people, please don't have kids. *edit: the kid is 6, so it's not like I'm new to this situation.
My O My 3 years ago
Is she just lazy or does she maybe have an underlying mental illness? Post-partum depression can change into chronic deression
MoodyBlue 3 years ago
Post-partum depression when the kid is 6 years old?
Load More Replies... Katarzyna B. 3 years ago (edited)
Again, don't demonize marriage. You chose the wrong partner. People want to blame "marriage" instead of taking responsibility for the choices they made.
Poeha 3 years ago
He only says don't marry someone who's selfish and don't get kids with them.
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#35
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I don't care about my son.
I got my then gf pregnant by accident, and her being her Christian self didn't want to abort it. Our relationship was always off the wall, she always had plans for our "future", but I didn't even want to marry her, but I never told her.
Boom comes baby, I loved him to death since I first laid eyes on him. I bought him everything I could, everything was for him. GF has post partum depression and tells me she doesn't love me anymore, I tell her it's the depression talking, so we try to mend it. A year later she cheats and leaves me, moves to 7 different states and takes baby. I try to track her down but in the end it was futile. I was heartbroken from her, and especially my son.
7 years later she goes back to live in my hometown and says she wants me to see my son (in the end it was only because she wanted child support). I had already moved on, made my career in engineering, got married, and we have a beautiful baby girl on the way. She takes my son and we finally meet, it was really awkward and I didn't know what to say. He spends every other week with me, but it's like having a stranger in the house. It's been 2 years of this and I don't feel any connection to him. He's a good kid, doesn't pull any tantrums, is respectful, loves his sister, but I just don't love him. It makes me feel guilty. I don't really regret him, per se, but to me, he just feels like an outsider from a life I tried to move on from.
Susie Elle 3 years ago (edited)
Not to be rude OP, but the son is suffering because of this. It's not your fault, but I kind of feel you still have an obligation to him as his bio-dad. It's not your fault the mom moved away of course, but I feel you're keeping him out emotionally because of how things turned out in the past, so you're punishing your son for what your ex did. If both his mom and his dad kind of pass him off as a burden, he's going to grow up scarred. If you want to let him into your life, maybe get some professional help with that.
Nicole Hockney 3 years ago
OP, google how to bond with kids. It happens in the "bad" moments like when you're changing a diaper or hugging while he's crying. Look up how to bond. People do it all the time - fall in love. Google it. You can love him just as much. Spent time soothing him. Lots of healthy touching like stroking his cheek, rough housing, hair petting, snuggling, etc. TONS of eye contact. It's not a permanent on/off switch. You CAN love a child you meet at any age. Look how adoptive parents bond. Read those stories. If you work hard, you WILL feel all the warm fuzzies. I talked my husband through it when our son was born. He thought love happened instantly. He didn't know it took time and effort. That it built up. Now he's more focused on our son than me. He said our son is the purest love he's ever experienced. But it took 2 years of active effort. Think about how monkeys groom each other. That builds social connections in humans too. Gentle touches send oxytocin to the brain.
Alicia M 3 years ago
This person needs to be a better father. Sounds like he's holding his son accountable for the behavior of his mother. Whatever happened with his mother is in the past but this reads like the OP is mad his son came back into the picture and messed up his "fabulous" life. I feel really bad for the son. He deserves better parents.
Nicole Hockney 3 years ago
TL:DR It's not too late to form a gorgeous and magical love. And it's science. Costs nothing. No experts needed. Google "bond with adoptive child" (I know he's your bio) and the results will help you.
Katie Andrews 3 years ago
Sorry OP but stupid to be with someone you didnt' want to marry but keep having sex with. Sex alone just isn't that important. You should have done her and yourself a favor and just moved on.
#36
Gave up my everything for the child/ren. Had a horror show up when the youngest was about 7 and there was a judgement against a father for leaving his kids home alone and they were under 12. I remember being a latchkey from 7 on and was left for hours. I was planning on going looking for work when the oldest turned 12. When that came in, I realized that of the two of us, I was the one responsible for being there at home for the kids, not him, because children's services was on a rampage to get parents to comply to their insane demands. I had to stay at home because the eldest was not reliable and I couldn't leave the younger ones alone for 20 minutes. I regret because I stopped doing art. Crafting, sure. Art was put behind me. The worst part about it is that I know my ex husband threw out my big black sketchbook that I started when I was 17.
Dill 3 years ago
This one makes me uncomfortable. "Children's services was on a rampage to get parents to comply with their insane demands" and "I had to stay at home because the eldest was not reliable and I couldn't leave the younger ones alone for 20 minutes." Just because you were on a latchkey from 7 and left for hours doesn't make it okay to do this to your children. Plus, why should the eldest be doing your parenting for you? Why do you think the demands were insane? Sounds more to me like they were reasonable demands she didn't like (eg BE THERE for the children). I know these services sometimes get it wrong but generally speaking they're trying to do right by the children. I could be wrong but most of the mistakes we read about are when social workers have ignored red flags, believed stories by neglectful or abusive parents and not investigated enough. I am happy to be corrected if I have misread and misunderstood (it is a muddled story).
Trisha Doran 3 years ago
Yet another case of someone who suffered and thinks generations to come should suffer as well. A great example of someone who shouldn't have had kids.
Load More Replies... DetongLhamo 3 years ago
Kids aren’t born to have a JOB. It’s the JOB of YOU or your PARTNER to care for the kids, not a 12 year old kid.
Deb Dedon 3 years ago
Huh. I was the household babysitter before I was 10. I was also 'loaned out' as a babysitter to neighbors at that age.
Dilly Millandry 3 years ago
So you can sympathise with the elder child here. Some children love it but this one isn't getting a choice and that's not right. Sorry that happened to you. It's a lot of responsibility to place on someone so very young.
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H Moore 3 years ago
Children are the next lot of humans. You care for them teach them and they grow up, get their own ideas, likes and dislikes and do things they want to do. Regardless of what you think. Humans need to be like the rest of the animals. Why do they think kids are friends or lifetime companions?
#37
I just had my fist child 3 weeks ago and I got pregnant for not taking my birth control right. I could’ve went to get the abortion pill but I decided not to I couldn’t do it and now I feel so bad for my son for bringing him Into this world knowing I can’t even afford him a good doctor or his own room. On top of that I had my son with someone that I don’t even think wants to be with me my boyfriend has been supportive and done his part for our son but I feel like he is just with me because we have. A baby now not because he loves me. We have been together for 3 years and not once has he talked about marriage and I don’t think he will be the person I spend my whole life with he acts so different with me now compared to when we first started dating. I honestly just regret having my son because of my bad decisions now I have to work extra hard for him and who knows if I’ll ever get to go back to college because it so expensive having a babysitter too
n0_h0p3_l3ft_f0r_m4x 3 years ago
Y'know this isn't the post to comment on punctuation. Have a little sympathy.
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#38
I"m sure by now, my comment will be lost, but here goes. My kids are the worst thing that every happened to me. And the best. I have three kids, 8, 16, and 18. The #3, at 2, got a blood disorder and we spent many months in Children's Hospital. Were it not for the ACA kicking in for kids a year early, we'd have gone bankrupt. Child #2, at 12, became depressed and suicidal. Prior to that, she'd be been the "easy" kid who had tons of friends, was smart, talented and easy going. We've spent 4 years in family based therapy and in and out of mental health hospitals. Child #1 was different from the day he was born. No one believed me because I was a new mom and didn't know anything. Trust me. He was different. After NUMEROUS rounds of therapy--including one where the therapist said I secretly hated my son because I secrectly hated my father--I discovered he had Aspergers. Elementary school and middle school were Hell with various phone calls to and from the school. In High School things slightly better and began "growing into himself." He also started getting REALLLLLY thirsty and REALLLY hungry. And congrats, you have Type 1 diabetes! In all of this, my husband got laid off during the Recession, right when the baby got sick. Hasn't worked since, so I'm the sole breadwinner. Needless to say, this isn't what I imagined being a parent would be like. But as I said earlier, they are also the best thing that every happened to me. I can see now, that without them, I would be a very different person. Probably a pretty lonely, unloved person. My kids have made me a much better person. I'm very introverted and I doubt that I'd have come out of my shell the way I have. Believe it or not, I doubt my husband and I would still be married if we didn't have kids. I just think we would have gotten very wrapped up in our careers and likely drifted apart. I've become more empathetic to others misfortunes. I know that good parents are flawed people who do they best that they can every single day. I know that I'm ultimately raising good kids who will hopefully look back on all of this and realize that they are better people for their struggles. My 8 yo wants to be a nurse because she remembers the nurses who helped her when she was in the hospital-- and because of seeing her brother deal with diabetes. My 16 yo is studying to be a vet tech and is awesome with animals. She's very sensitive and I could see her doing something with animal therapy. My 18 yo is studying to be a welder and is super creative-- writing, drawing, inventing. It's a tough answer because what I regret is what we've had to go thru. But yet, going thru all of that has made us, ultimately, better people.
#39
I love both my sons but if I could do it all again I wouldn't. I got pregnant young and did not know that I would pass my bipolar onto them. They both suffer from really bad depression. Trying to raise them when I was in and out of hospitals was hard and did them a disservice. Now they are grown and they rarely make time for me. Mother's Day and my birthday is a quick text or mention on Facebook. My youngest tells me I'm the only family member that accepts him when he has mental issues but that's the only time I ever hear from him. The oldest is even worse. I cry on a regular basis that I wish they would be closer to me. Long story short I did my best but it didn't matter.
#40
I’m a mother to a 9yo M. And i have regretted having him since he was just weeks old. I really hoped that I would grow out of this as he got older. But I haven’t. I’ve just found new things to dread or worry about as a parent. The best way I deal with it is having a friend or two that I go to coffee with a couple times a week. And spending a day or two at home alone while he’s at school.
#41
I love my children more than anything else in this world. Words can not describe the type of love I feel for them. But at the same time, I do regret having them. I regret being the person that I have become as a parent. I was always carefree and spur of the moment.. now I'm careful and if plans aren't set in stone, they likely won't happen.
I always said I would never have children. I hate kids..I do. I am just not that type of nurturing person. I was always very careful to make sure protection was in use (condoms, birth control) but I am that .1% and apparently very fertile.
I do not have that natural motherly instinct that all women seem to have, you know..that one that kicks in the moment they know they're pregnant. I have to work really hard at it and it's exhausting. I miss my solitude and being able to "check out" of reality from time to time.
With all that being said, there is not a thing I wouldn't do for my children. They will always be my babies. They are amazing little creatures. My boys play travel baseball and I wouldn't trade long nights at the ball fields for anything. Watching them play is one of the greatest joys in my life. Still, I often find myself wondering what life would be like without them.
#42
I come from a broken up family and never wanted that for my kids. I wanted a full family with no step parents or split visitation. I'm now a single father of two who have different mom's. I really wanted things to work but they just never did. My one kid has a mom who has now went three weeks without seeing him because she has refused to do an 8 hour drug class I paid for. My other son's mom is great though and we do 50/50 outside of court so that's nice, but I still wish things weren't this way. My regret isn't exactly having kids, it's having them with people I mistakingly thought were who I would be with the rest of my life.
#43
I don't regret having my kids so much as keeping them. I feel badly that I'm their mother and my husband is their father, because we've made some serious mistakes and they have had to deal with that. I was 17 when I had my oldest two (twins) and I genuinely did not understand how much my brain was still changing and how unprepared I was and how unprepared I would remain. The first few years I felt like I really did pretty well --- not even "pretty well for a teen mom", I thought I was a pretty excellent mom overall. As I've gotten older and more self aware that has changed. This isn't a constant crushing feeling or anything, just something that hurts from time to time and I try and deal. And again, I don't regret having them; I understand that I'm biased but I truly believe that all four of them are wonderful people and the world is a much better place with them in it. But I regret not handing them over to someone who would've done a better job.
#44
I love my 3 year old, but I failed him already. I got pregnant at 17 and I had him at 18. Dad and I split when I was only about 3-4 months along. Dad has a s**t ton of mental health issues and I couldn’t stand him any longer. I have my own set of issues and traumas that I haven’t fully dealt with yet also. When my son was first born I was living with a physically abusive boyfriend and wasn’t able to bond with my son like he needed, because I was too busy trying to protect us. My son now lives with my godparents in another state, and I’m now married to a wonderful man who’s in the military. I’m slowly but surely getting my s**t together and I’ll be starting school in the summer to get my associates degree so that I can fufill my goal of becoming a social worker. I feel immense guilt every single day that I brought a life into this world that I couldn’t mentally or financially care for. Once my husbands contract is up, we’re moving back to my home state where my son is and I’m going to give this “mom” thing another shot. My son deserves it.
Lakota Wolf 3 years ago (edited)
I really hope OP doesn’t try to rip her son out of his current life with his godparents just because she wants to give the “mom” thing another shot with him (because of regret or ego). Her son likely thinks of his godparents as his parents. I don’t know how long he’s been living with them, but if he has a good life with them and the godparents are willing to continue as his de facto parents, OP would be doing her son a disfavor by taking him out of the stability he’s known. Maybe she just means she’ll be a part of his life and slowly spend time with him, but I hope for her son’s sake that she doesn’t just go “okay, give me my son back now.” I don’t know OP, and it sounds like she’s really getting her life on track and that’s great, but some bits of her story do sound a little scary.
Nicole Hockney 3 years ago
no sarcasm - sounds like you're nailing it. i would do the same stuff in your shoes. thank goodness for the godparents to help out during this time of life transition.
#45
I love my boys more than I ever thought I could. However... it's Saturday night and I'm covered in baby vomit with the baby refusing to sleep anywhere else but on me. He will wake about 3 times between now and when the toddler wakes at 6am. I'm carrying 20kg more than I'm comfortable with and have no clothes that fit. I feel guilt for so many choices I make. There are times I regret having my second baby because it's so hard to juggle the needs of two and still find time for my needs. People tell me it will get easier but for now, I'm hating it.
#46
Three words: Pervasive developmental delay... Those three words call my entire existence into question. I basically brought someone into this world to have a shitty time.
#47
I have 3 kids and quite frequently wish I had 0. I never wanted kids and knew I wanted more from my life than dirty diapers and minivans. I was ok with the first 2 but the 3rd really made me question everything again. This is not what I want to be doing with my life. I had my kids at such a young age (15, 19, 24 ) that I don't stand a chance at doing anything significant with my life other than saying hey I raised 3 more humans. Your welcome. What an accomplishment.
#48
I got my girlfriend unexpectedly pregnant. When we found out I didn't want to keep it- we are young, working shitty jobs and not emotionally ready for kids. But for some reason I was foolish enough to allow myself to be dragged into it. Our daughter is 10 months old. I recently graduated but still havent found a job, and my girlfriend just started school again. We're basically just living off of our parents and its pretty pathetic. I just started a new job and one of my coworkers asked me what my hobbies were, and I had to scramble to make something up- I have none now. Im just a boring person now. All I do is come home to crying and screaming and b**hing. I have lost all but my closest friends. Basically, I feel like my life had all this great potential that has now been snuffed out. I really do love my kid though, shes beautiful and probably the only thing that brings me any intermittent joy anymore. But deep down I really do just feel like killing myself, because emotionally I am dead already.
#49
I love my daughter. But, since she was born, our marriage just took a seat on the back burner. Forget about spontaneous sex. That shit went out the window. We are lucky to have sex 2 or 3 times a month. Sleep? I. F**king. Wish! I don't necessarily regret having my daughter, but goddamn do I miss the former life my wife and I once shared. I miss just hanging out at home on a Saturday night, watching...well, anything the hell we wanted!! I miss those simple road trips. I miss those simple trips to the grocery store. You realize you are a parent the minute you find yourself at the grocery store , your wife: at home with the kid, and you: just mindlessly wondering the isles looking for...shit, it doesn't really matter. You are out, not hearing the crying and screaming of your kids. It's funny, I never thought using the bathroom would one day be considered "me time ".
#50
Some days it's hard not to regret it. I have a 6 year old with severe ADHD (brain trauma at birth), and an autistic 4 year old still in diapers. My wife is active military and I had to leave a very lucrative job to take care of them. I love them, but occasionally I have to chant that to remind myself that I do.
#51
When my kids were young, Columbine happened. I realized that I had brought kids into a terrible world. I regretted it for a long time. Then they had heartbreak from young love, and I regretted it again. I hated that me wanting kids of my own caused those kids to hurt in a way I couldn't protect them from. But they've grown up to be happy, healthy independent adults and I'm very proud of who they have become.
#52
It's bizarre how much I love my kid and yet if I could go back I'd never even answer her mom's email. We were mid-divorce when we decided to attempt reconciliation. We had a drunk hookup and now we're trying to figure out how to live with each other. She went full religious and I'm still the same "militant atheist" I always have been. We're 100% incompatible but the thought of a divorce is terrifying.
#53
It's not that I regret having her, but if I could wrap her in cotton wool and bubble wrap, put her in a cupboard for ten years with the guarantee that I'll get the same child then I without a doubt would. Parenthood is just not what I expected it to be. I mean people told me that you have to make sacrifices when you become a parent but because I had never really made any sacrifices before having her, I had no idea what that might entail or feel like. I also thought I wouldn't mind missing out on all the partying and holidays because I would have the ultimate gift, a child but I have found that also to be untrue. I do mind missing out on the partying and holidays, and therefore I try to cram as much as that in as I can still, which makes my quality time with my child few and far between. Yes I have her 5 nights a week, I feed her, bathe her, teach her, discipline her, put her to bed but I mean proper quality time I feel she misses out on because sometimes I have no desire as I'd rather be elsewhere. I feel constantly guilty because I'm not putting my all in to be the best Mummy I could be, how I imagined myself to be and I feel she is missing out. Before I had her I always wanted 3 children, now 1 is enough for me, I don't want anymore. Like I said I wouldn't use the word regret but if I could have taken a glimpse into what parenthood really, really is like before I fell pregnant, I would have been a lot more careful. People can tell you but nothing can really prepare you for what it is really like. It is a 24/7 hands down the toughest most exhausting job ever.
#54
When we did the family history to see the chances of any defects, not only did he lie, to me his whole family did. All the ultrasounds were normal, so imagine my surprise when I hear "Are her feet supposed to look like that?". She has clubfeet and its not easy. She needed full leg casts, and is still on braces. She is 1 and can't walk, on top of that I was just informed she will be needing tendon surgery on her left foot. Only after this ordeal do I find out that his family has a history of disorders. Imagine blaming yourself for months, thinking you could have done something different but it was not your fault. Dealing with her feet is a huge strain Financially and emtionally. If you are planning on having a baby always be truthful to your partner.
#55
Mother of a 19 month old here... I so get this... I'm worn out and beat down by my life. I'm a single mother. If it weren't for my mom footing almost every bill in my life, my daughter and I would be homeless and starving. The basic facts: I can't work because child care is $400 a week and I can't find a job that will make 400 a week do able (working to put my kid in daycare and nothing else) getting a job would deem me ineligible for cash assistance and food stamps ($1200/mo income limit) and the state wouldn't pay my childcare so I couldn't continue going to college full time. The $569 in cash I get from welfare is immediately gone paying CC bills and regular bills (usually left with a negative balance my poor mother fills in the gaps) however I will say my food stamps are enough to get us through the month. I feel so stuck in my cycle I'm in. I try so hard to get a "good" job, but Despite experience and education nobody thinks I'm good enough to answer phones for more that $16 an hour. In the silicone valley that's the lowest livable wage. TLDR: I'm f**king broke!
#56
I feel like I had my son with my ex partner under false pretences so to speak and now that we're not together I sometimes feel like life would just be easier if we hadn't had a child together. Back story: I found out when my son was only a few months old that his father had been cheating on me basically our entire relationship, lying, manipulating and basically being a horrible human being and we split. We didn't have the most amicable break up and had to sort out court agreements, visitation etc. He now basically nit-picks everything and anything he can and makes life difficult. I wouldn't take back my son for the world but sometimes I just feel like this isn't exactly what I signed up for and if I'd know about everything before I became pregnant things would be so much different. Naturally I'm not the biggest fan of my fathers son (due to the cheating etc) so having to be in constant contact and being tied together like this for life isn't much fun.
#57
I have two children, 21 & 17, and I genuinely regret having kids. They are becoming selfish and entitled the older they get, and I’m not sure why because I was a single struggling parent most of their lives. I’m saddened because they are smoking weed and drinking, and they NEVER saw any of this growing up. I’m counting down the days for my youngest to turn 18. I cope with prayer.
#58
I feel like it has destroyed my marriage. Both of us have changed since our child was born and I'm afraid the people we've become are not as compatible as the people we used to be. We never talk to each other, we never do anything together, and the very, very infrequent sex is basically her attempt to maintain her ability to claim she makes an effort in our relationship. Any communication that happens between us is about logistics regarding our child. I understand there is a brief period after birth where everyone needs to adjust but it has been over 4 years now.
I love my child more than anyone else on Earth, save for my wife. But I miss having a companion in life. If I had known it would be like this, I don't think I would have made the same decisions.
#59
I think every parent regrets it at some point whether it's a flitting thought that is there and gone or a long conversation you have with yourself. Because it's f**king hard work. I worked some shitty hard labor jobs when I was younger and none of them compare to being a parent, especially a full-time parent. When you're up late cleaning puke out of the carpets for the fifth time in an hour; when you're running on 8 hours of sleep over the last three days and you feel like you just took acid to help with a hangover; when they're screaming bloody murder because you said they can't eat that cactus; when they purposely test the limits of your patience; when they're rude or ungrateful little shits despite living a life a thousand times better than you did. It's as natural as the love you feel when they smile at you or laugh at something you did or cuddle up to you or do something for the first time and give you that feeling of "I did it, my human is humaning!" You are a God to this tiny little person but you are also their Slave. It's easy to lose sight of yourself and/or your partner when you have this responsibility on your shoulders and it's easy to blame the kid for it. Especially if you have kids too young. I was 26 when my son was born, and I had a lot of fun in those years of child-free adulthood. A lot of f**king fun. And literally every person I know who had a kid before 21 has turned out to be a shitty parent, because they never get to experience being an adult.
Laurie Robertson-Peery 3 years ago
I was 17 when I had the first of my four children. They were spread out over 16 years with the same dad. My marriage was not perfect but I was able to be very involved with the kids and their activities. My marriage lasted 23 years and my youngest kids were 5 and 13 at that time. It was a struggle and there were days when I wondered how I would keep going. I ma now 66, with 14 grandchildren and 2 more on the way. We are a very close family and get together all the time. Looking back now I realize that all those hard times made me stronger and more empathetic and caring toward others. I may not have much materialistically but I have been so blessed in a much better way!!
#60
I just wasn't ready. I was only 20 when she was born. I was in the middle of uni and I just wasn't ready to be responsible for something so important. I wanted to go travelling before starting my career but that won't happen. I'm just about to finish my masters degree and I'm going to have to go straight into a high stress job to be able to have some form of financial stability to provide for her and be able to move into a decent area so she can go to a decent school. I'm on placement atm, I leave at 6am and get back at 7pm. If my gf hasn't managed to get her to sleep before I get back, she won't sleep till 10pm cos she f**ks about for me and refuses to sleep. Once I've got her to sleep, I then have to attempt to do some of my dissertation and apply for jobs. I just want one day where I can stay in bed and chill like I used to... I don't hate being a parent, I just wish I could've waited like 10 years. And forget about ever getting sex... My gf decided co-sleeping was a good idea so I've not had any form of intimate contact for like 6 months now. And before it stopped completely, it happened extremely rarely. I've gone from having sex like 4 times a week to 0 times in 6 months.
#61
I do regret having my first kid on ny first relationship. I had one with my ex boyfriend when I was I college. I didn’t want to be a mother so young. When she got born I gave up all of my right to my ex boyfriend and I leave. My ex is a good guy with a wonderful family, but I knew that we wouldn't be together forever. I'm older now, married and with two teenage kids and I love them. I never got in touch with my first daughter and honestly I never will. She should be around 19.
#62
I feel like I can't do many of the things I want to do. And I'm now tied to this relative area bc I'm not going to have a child and not be around. Also, I cannot stand my child's mother. We can't get along at all and she has no issues with lying to get what she wants and we have a horrible relationship.
#63
Yes. I got treatment for depression and anxiety. I also take Lexapro which stopped my ruminating.
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What do you think ?
RP 3 years ago
So many of these are structural issues not personal ones. It's basics too: free childcare, living wage, access to abortion, decent parental leave, education and disabilities' funding. These are the basics that a society needs to offer ffs.
JJ 3 years ago
I agree. Also I think society and structure should be less about telling women what's right or wrong if it comes to (not) wanting and (not) having children and more to support each other, nevermind what they chose or deal with. Where I live, it's a lot about "You're female, get pregnant", but also parents are let down who really struggle. It often takes other people to notice (e.g. teachers), before they get help. (Child protective services are actually really good and helpful but people think they're just there to take your child away.)
Load More Replies...
Lakota Wolf 3 years ago
I’m sure I’ll get ripped to shreds for this, but some of these stories disgust me. I mean the ones where the common theme is “I don’t get to go out and do what I want to any more!!” No, you don’t. You chose to have kids. However - I know some states/countries don’t allow abortions, and it’s sometimes hard to resist pressure from family/your significant other. But it’s just sometimes shocking to read someone say “I never wanted kids, now I have 3 and I regret having them.” I can assure everyone that kids SENSE that. They feel those emotions and regrets radiating off of the parent even if the parent tries to hide it. And it’s incredibly damaging to the child. Kids know when you’re pissed that you can’t go on vacations and take lots of photos to post to Facebook and Instagram “like all of your friends do”. They don’t know that literally or specifically, but they start to think and get the feeling that Mommy/Daddy doesn’t like them. I’ve lived as that kid for 40 years. And I’m ADOPTED.
Fiona C 3 years ago
I couldn't finish reading them all because most of them were pathetic to me. It's not a child's job to fulfill all your hopes and dreams or make you feel good, its your job to take care of the child. Some of these people very clearly did not think it through properly at all.
Load More Replies...
Scarlett 3 years ago
Yeah, screw that. I do not want children. My parents are messed up and I carry that trauma. I would make a terrible mother and I will not pass it down. I would rather get an abortion then put a child through my depressed, ADHD, and quick tempered self.
Seabeast 3 years ago
Same. I have never regretted my choice to not be a mother. I'd be terrible at it.
Load More Replies... Curry on... 3 years ago
I have sympathy for the parents whose children have mental or physical problems. But some of these others just seem like whiners. It's like they had some unreal romantic expectations about raising a whole human being, and then reality set in. Or they're just selfish and a little lazy.
Troux 3 years ago
I think a lot of this is cultural differences. Western culture preaches freedom, independence, and entrepreneurship as absolute paragons of living, but doesn't mention that things like community, family cohesion, and parenthood lose out as a result. It's taken for granted that you can just insert a relationship or family at any point in your life, when tradition has always held that these things take time and work that begins in your 20's. I think the tradeoff needs to be more openly discussed, rather than the 'you can do anything you want' dream of infinity that keeps getting spread.
Load More Replies... Tigerpacingthecage 3 years ago
I think it's really important to break the illusion that children "complete you" in any way. Or that it's the "meaning of life". I have 3 kids (9yrs, 8yrs and (almost) 1yr). They are awesome but I must say I didn't know how much of your life you are "supposed" to sacrifice to have them. Your relationship will be on hold when they are young so your sex life is c**p but you are often "trapped" with your partner anyway, you can't do what you want without thinking of the children first, you have to have a job that goes together with childcare available, everything is expensive, housework never ending etc etc. I absolutely don't regret my kids though and personally think they are worth it, but wow, they take so much away from you and I think we need to highlight that and not "everyone should have kids" or "your relationship will be better with children" (no! NEVER).It is totally fine to not want all that extra work, even if you are in a relationship or married.
Mir Adwari 3 years ago
I think you make very valid points. The messages about parenthood can be misleading - all of the love and fun and not enough about the daily grind. Parents talk about how hard it is and then go 'oh but it was life changing and they do love you' as though they fear saying anything else will make them look bad. No, be honest about how tough it is. Don't backtrack and waffle on about love instead when asked (what I've mostly seen). A friend of mine regrets her choice to have a child. She loves him VERY much indeed and is a good mum but she had no idea what it would be like. She just saw 'cute baby = happy mum' in the media. A world that is often portrayed as serene, white fluffy blankets and happy playing babies. Not lots of screaming, no sleep, the impact on health through each stage, the work, the constant demands etc. They get a mention but not the focus. We should be much clearer eyed and less sentimental about it all and not criticise those who decide it isn't for them.
Load More Replies... Seabeast 3 years ago
I decided early in life I didn't want children because I didn't think I'd be a good mother. I mentioned this to a guy I met in my early 20s and he chirped "You don't know unless you try!" My reply was "Well, that's just it - you *don't* know until you've already had a kid. If it turns out you aren't a good mother, there is no sending them back." He looked gobsmacked, I don't think he'd ever considered that.
Zoe's Mom 3 years ago
I never wanted children, and I know that I would have resented the child IF I did have one. I have no regrets and although many of these reads are heartbreaking, it's true that NO ONE prepares you for parenthood. One should never have a child simply because of the pressures from family or friends..or to think it will save a marriage. IT'S HARD WORK and your time is no longer yours. How do I know: I took in my nephews after turning in my sister to CPS. The hardest 2 years of my life and I hated it but I would do it again to stop them from going into foster care. Not to offend anyone, but if you are thinking of having kids, foster a dog and you'll see somewhat the time commitment and how you have to plan EVERYTHING around a child/dog. And don't be fooled; everyone who said they would help all of a sudden have plans. I have a dog and the hardest thing is trying to find someone to watch her while I'm on vacation. She hates shelters because she feels she is being left .. again.
Jackie Lulu 3 years ago
I do regret that I was the kind of person who didn't want children , not that I regret not having them.
Load More Replies...
bv7hearts 3 years ago
Whenever someone asks me why I am 40 and childfree, I'm going to just link this post.
Jackie Lulu 3 years ago
We should not be here to judge! You don't know what it's like for some of these people. Don't say, Well, it's been a joy for me, so why not for you? Everyone is different and everyone draws a different straw in life, and you just don't know what it's like for another.. so just stop it.
RP 3 years ago
So many of these are structural issues not personal ones. It's basics too: free childcare, living wage, access to abortion, decent parental leave, education and disabilities' funding. These are the basics that a society needs to offer ffs.
JJ 3 years ago
I agree. Also I think society and structure should be less about telling women what's right or wrong if it comes to (not) wanting and (not) having children and more to support each other, nevermind what they chose or deal with. Where I live, it's a lot about "You're female, get pregnant", but also parents are let down who really struggle. It often takes other people to notice (e.g. teachers), before they get help. (Child protective services are actually really good and helpful but people think they're just there to take your child away.)
Load More Replies... Lakota Wolf 3 years ago
I’m sure I’ll get ripped to shreds for this, but some of these stories disgust me. I mean the ones where the common theme is “I don’t get to go out and do what I want to any more!!” No, you don’t. You chose to have kids. However - I know some states/countries don’t allow abortions, and it’s sometimes hard to resist pressure from family/your significant other. But it’s just sometimes shocking to read someone say “I never wanted kids, now I have 3 and I regret having them.” I can assure everyone that kids SENSE that. They feel those emotions and regrets radiating off of the parent even if the parent tries to hide it. And it’s incredibly damaging to the child. Kids know when you’re pissed that you can’t go on vacations and take lots of photos to post to Facebook and Instagram “like all of your friends do”. They don’t know that literally or specifically, but they start to think and get the feeling that Mommy/Daddy doesn’t like them. I’ve lived as that kid for 40 years. And I’m ADOPTED.
Fiona C 3 years ago
I couldn't finish reading them all because most of them were pathetic to me. It's not a child's job to fulfill all your hopes and dreams or make you feel good, its your job to take care of the child. Some of these people very clearly did not think it through properly at all.
Load More Replies... Scarlett 3 years ago
Yeah, screw that. I do not want children. My parents are messed up and I carry that trauma. I would make a terrible mother and I will not pass it down. I would rather get an abortion then put a child through my depressed, ADHD, and quick tempered self.
Seabeast 3 years ago
Same. I have never regretted my choice to not be a mother. I'd be terrible at it.
Load More Replies... Curry on... 3 years ago
I have sympathy for the parents whose children have mental or physical problems. But some of these others just seem like whiners. It's like they had some unreal romantic expectations about raising a whole human being, and then reality set in. Or they're just selfish and a little lazy.
Troux 3 years ago
I think a lot of this is cultural differences. Western culture preaches freedom, independence, and entrepreneurship as absolute paragons of living, but doesn't mention that things like community, family cohesion, and parenthood lose out as a result. It's taken for granted that you can just insert a relationship or family at any point in your life, when tradition has always held that these things take time and work that begins in your 20's. I think the tradeoff needs to be more openly discussed, rather than the 'you can do anything you want' dream of infinity that keeps getting spread.
Load More Replies... Tigerpacingthecage 3 years ago
I think it's really important to break the illusion that children "complete you" in any way. Or that it's the "meaning of life". I have 3 kids (9yrs, 8yrs and (almost) 1yr). They are awesome but I must say I didn't know how much of your life you are "supposed" to sacrifice to have them. Your relationship will be on hold when they are young so your sex life is c**p but you are often "trapped" with your partner anyway, you can't do what you want without thinking of the children first, you have to have a job that goes together with childcare available, everything is expensive, housework never ending etc etc. I absolutely don't regret my kids though and personally think they are worth it, but wow, they take so much away from you and I think we need to highlight that and not "everyone should have kids" or "your relationship will be better with children" (no! NEVER).It is totally fine to not want all that extra work, even if you are in a relationship or married.
Mir Adwari 3 years ago
I think you make very valid points. The messages about parenthood can be misleading - all of the love and fun and not enough about the daily grind. Parents talk about how hard it is and then go 'oh but it was life changing and they do love you' as though they fear saying anything else will make them look bad. No, be honest about how tough it is. Don't backtrack and waffle on about love instead when asked (what I've mostly seen). A friend of mine regrets her choice to have a child. She loves him VERY much indeed and is a good mum but she had no idea what it would be like. She just saw 'cute baby = happy mum' in the media. A world that is often portrayed as serene, white fluffy blankets and happy playing babies. Not lots of screaming, no sleep, the impact on health through each stage, the work, the constant demands etc. They get a mention but not the focus. We should be much clearer eyed and less sentimental about it all and not criticise those who decide it isn't for them.
Load More Replies... Seabeast 3 years ago
I decided early in life I didn't want children because I didn't think I'd be a good mother. I mentioned this to a guy I met in my early 20s and he chirped "You don't know unless you try!" My reply was "Well, that's just it - you *don't* know until you've already had a kid. If it turns out you aren't a good mother, there is no sending them back." He looked gobsmacked, I don't think he'd ever considered that.
Zoe's Mom 3 years ago
I never wanted children, and I know that I would have resented the child IF I did have one. I have no regrets and although many of these reads are heartbreaking, it's true that NO ONE prepares you for parenthood. One should never have a child simply because of the pressures from family or friends..or to think it will save a marriage. IT'S HARD WORK and your time is no longer yours. How do I know: I took in my nephews after turning in my sister to CPS. The hardest 2 years of my life and I hated it but I would do it again to stop them from going into foster care. Not to offend anyone, but if you are thinking of having kids, foster a dog and you'll see somewhat the time commitment and how you have to plan EVERYTHING around a child/dog. And don't be fooled; everyone who said they would help all of a sudden have plans. I have a dog and the hardest thing is trying to find someone to watch her while I'm on vacation. She hates shelters because she feels she is being left .. again.
Jackie Lulu 3 years ago
I do regret that I was the kind of person who didn't want children , not that I regret not having them.
Load More Replies... bv7hearts 3 years ago
Whenever someone asks me why I am 40 and childfree, I'm going to just link this post.
Jackie Lulu 3 years ago
We should not be here to judge! You don't know what it's like for some of these people. Don't say, Well, it's been a joy for me, so why not for you? Everyone is different and everyone draws a different straw in life, and you just don't know what it's like for another.. so just stop it.
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