Mom Warns Son Her Birthday Party Is Going To Upstage His Wedding But He Doesn’t Care, Regrets It
Interview With Expert
If your birthday falls on a major holiday, you know all too well that it’s never fun to have to compete for attention. People will always remember that it’s Christmas first and then add a timid, “Oh yeah, happy birthday!” As frustrating as this might be, at least there will always be other opportunities to enjoy a day that’s all about you, such as your wedding day.
Well, one parent recently shared on Reddit that not even their son’s wedding could be centered around the happy couple, because their 50th birthday bash was still the talk of the town. Below, you’ll find the full story that the parent posted, as well as replies readers shared and a conversation with Adnan Kastrat, LAC, from Modern Therapy!
This parent threw a huge birthday bash about a week before their son’s wedding
Image credits: Rawpixel / envanto (not the actual photo)
Now, the newlyweds are upset because many guests have stated that the birthday party was the superior event
Image credits: Lucas Law / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image source: Low-Membership1699
“It is essential for parents to support their children’s milestones without measuring them against their own experiences”
Image credits: Kampus Production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
To gain more insight into this situation, we reached out to Licensed Associate Counselor Adnan Kastrat, from Modern Therapy. Adnan was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and share his thoughts on whether or not it’s ever appropriate for parents to compare themselves to their children.
“As parents, we all wish for our children to succeed. We strive to give them everything they need in order to live an even better life than we have,” the expert says. “Even when they grow into adults, somewhere in our hearts, we still see that same child. With this goal in mind, parents tend to compare their children either to themselves or others, intentionally or unintentionally.”
Adnan noted that comparing oneself to their children can often be problematic. “When we as people compare anything, we create certain expectations, often to an unrealistic level. These comparisons may then result in strained relationships. Parents and children have different life stages, experiences, and circumstances. Therefore, comparing them tends to not be fair nor is it productive,” he explained. “For instance, the parent’s comparison of their own milestone birthday celebration to their child’s wedding undoubtedly created tension and resentment.”
“While it is natural for parents to reflect on their own experiences, using them as a standard for their children’s achievements can be unfair,” Adnan shared. “In this case, the parent’s lavish birthday party inadvertently overshadowed the significance of their child’s wedding, leading to hurt feelings and conflict. It is essential for parents to support their children’s milestones without measuring them against their own experiences, allowing each individual event to be celebrated and cherished in its own right.”
“Constant comparison and overshadowing can make the child feel inadequate or as though their accomplishments are never good enough”
Image credits: Kindel Media / Pexels (not the actual photo)
We were also curious about the impact that it can have on a person when their parents often try to upstage them. “Nobody enjoys feeling less than or not as important as another person. When it comes to the relationship between parent and child, the intensity is even greater,” Adnan told Bored Panda.
“When parents consistently try to upstage their children, it can have a significant negative impact on the child’s self-esteem and confidence. Constant comparison and overshadowing can make the child feel inadequate or as though their accomplishments are never good enough,” the expert says. “This dynamic can create resentment, frustration, and even a sense of betrayal, as the child may feel that their parents are not truly supportive of their success.”
“Over time, this pattern can erode the child’s motivation and enthusiasm for pursuing their own goals, as they may come to believe that their efforts will always be overshadowed by their parents’ achievements. As a result, their own accomplishments may feel less meaningful or fulfilling, ultimately putting a damper on their sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in their lives,” Adnan continued. “In this case, the parent’s persistent efforts to upstage their child’s wedding with their own extravagant birthday celebration clearly had a negative impact that have even led others to speak negatively toward their son’s wedding.”
The expert also shared some advice for how the mother and son can move past this situation, noting that communication, empathy and boundaries are key. “Mother and son should sit down and have an open, honest conversation about their feelings and perspectives,” Adnan says. “Mom should express understanding of their son’s disappointment and acknowledge unintentional hurt caused by the overshadowing of the wedding.”
“Building mutual respect, understanding, and communication will be essential for navigating future events and maintaining a positive and supportive family dynamic”
Image credits: Delcho Dichev / Pexels (not the actual photo)
“Mom can emphasize that while their intention was to celebrate their own milestone, they did not anticipate the extent to which it would overshadow the wedding. They can express regret for any negative impact their actions may have had on her son’s special day,” the counselor added. “Similarly, the son should try to understand the parent’s perspective and motivations behind wanting to celebrate their milestone birthday in a grand manner. This understanding can help bridge the gap in their perspectives and foster empathy between them.”
While Adnan says it’s understandable for both the son and daughter in law to feel hurt and disappointed, they cannot necessarily expect an apology from Mom, as she communicated her plans and concerns beforehand. “Instead, they could seek reconciliation through mutual understanding, empathy, and a commitment to improving communication and boundaries in the future,” he shared.
Finally, the expert says that, while this is certainly a stressful situation, it should not lead to the end of this mother and son’s relationship. “In addition to addressing the immediate conflict, both mom and son can use this situation as an opportunity to strengthen their relationship and establish healthier boundaries,” Adnan suggests. “They can discuss ways to celebrate each other’s milestones without inadvertently overshadowing or competing with one another. Building mutual respect, understanding, and communication will be essential for navigating future events and maintaining a positive and supportive family dynamic.”
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation down below, pandas. Do you think this mom was in the wrong for upstaging her son’s wedding? Feel free to share, and then if you’re interested in reading another article from Bored Panda discussing family drama following a wedding, look no further than right here!
Readers had mixed opinions on the situation, as some sided with the parent while others thought they should have defended their son
I feel OP is a little smug (or is it me?). And whoever is comparing a party to a wedding is TA.
On one hand I think OP is a little too smug, but here is the fact where it doesn't matter: a wedding is a date of choice. You can decide when to have it. I would never plan my wedding around the same time as another major event within the same time that is important to my family and will overshadow and take away from my wedding. Birthdays and other people's past anniversaries are fixed dates, an upcoming wedding isn't. And it will always lose in competition to major anniversaries, other, already planned weddings around that time, mile stone birthdays etc. So knowingly planning a wedding when something like this is already planned and well known is creating unnecessary drama and is solely the fault of the couple planning it. So they don't get to whine and cry that other people will celebrate their well in advance known milestones as they please and won't scale down for your entitlement. Just plan it for another time. Simple as that. Her son had every chance to choose another date.
OP should find out who the actual shìt-stirrers are and cut them out of her life. What business did they have comparing milestone events, especially among family members?
But maybe the OP was the one doing the stirring by talking about her party at the wedding repeatedly
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Agree, who thinks like this? Maybe this is some rich people s**t or something because I cannot relate at all
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I feel like OP fed into people's comparisons a lot, because her attitude is already "my party is the best thing in the world and everything is about me"
The real problem here, are the rude guests. Probably family members who attended both celebrations. That's sad. You can't choose your family. But you can decide to never invite them again.
Her friends/family that shat talked the wedding are the a$$. They happened WEEK(S) apart and are 2 VERY different events. I hope it wasnt mom that offhandedly started the stir....who ever did though AH
I think the one that got me was the comment saying, "Seriously, how were they to know what year and day you were supposed to turn 50?" Really? The son doesn't know what day, month, and year his own mother was born? But the real stars of this shitshow are the wedding guests who compared the two events. It's apples and oranges and anyone who would do that is the primary a*****e in all of this.
I think that person was just being sarcastic! That and funny as hell! The wedding guest did suck though.
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A social circle that makes 50th birthday a bfd? Full adult wedding guests telling the couple their wedding was cheap while attending their wedding? A groom's mom who had her head so far up her a$$ at her son's wedding she couldn't bother to ask why he was miserable? And then she's all stunned when he's like You're friends were awful at my wedding...did you not...? I don't believe any of it.
Agree with the other comments, OP sounds very smug and it seems more than likely that they started the so called comparison talk. It also comes off like they went out of their way to make sure it was a bigger event as some kind of weird 'revenge' for daring to have the wedding so close to their birthday. Wouldn't be surprised if OP wore a fancy white gown to their birthday party too..
If anything he should have said "mom only turns 50 once and I'm glad you could make her party and our wedding. You got two parties and prob need to relax at our wedding. Our family does it big time. I'm glad my mom is still here to celebrate this day with us too!" They knew what was coming. He should have known if he was at your party how his wedding was going to look. The bride was prob there too and saw the comparison to come. The guests comparing the events? They are the tacky ones. They were invited to the wedding to celebrate the wedding. Not compare parties.
Weddings are inherently boring. Of course people are going to compare the stuffy, formal wedding with the giant blowout party-party they just went to the week before. Sucks, but humans are going to human, and they aren't evil for talking about a shared experience they all had the next time they got together.
It sounds to me like her son is just a spoiled brat. She told him in advance about the elaborate party and he said he didn't mind and planned to go a head with the wedding any way. I'm curious who was doing the trash talking and if they were talking to the son. Maybe no one was actually talking, but the son felt the wedding fell short and wanted his mother to feel bad. It seems odd to me that friends would trash talk to the son.
You all sound like jerks to me. The people making comparisons between the events are being jerks, your son and DIL are being jerks for whinging, and you're a jerk for buying into the argument. There didn't need to be any comparison, but it would not have been hard to guess that there might have been, and you, your son and your daughter in law should be mature enough to either ignore the comparisons or shut them down.
This lands on trash talking anyone's event. If it was your party you would accept it hopefully. Tell son and DIL time to grow up and not worry about what others are saying. I know it's harsh but they are losing the joy of their wedding because of other people's opinions. Don't ever let anyone be that important. I hope you show them this. Your fault in this is zero. Tell them I applaud them for not spending enough money to go into debt. Sorry this happened. The trash talking.
Not everyone is lucky to reach the age of 50. Birthday is nonetheless less special than a wedding, and vice versa. She has every right to celebrate her birthday her way or how lavish as she can afford it. She's not being selfish or insensitive here. She has been looking forward and preparing for it for many years. She also can be as happy and prideful on how her birthday party turned out. Why is it when one becomes a parent, the society expects you to stop living as yourself and take a back seat for the children? She upstaged the wedding, so what, she's less of a mom now??! That said, those who compared the two occasions are the a******s here. The son is wrong that he wants his mom to apologize. He can be hurt due to what happened but he should not place the blame on his mom and ask for an apology. That's just the same as saying, my wedding is more important than your birthday and that you should have muted your party, because again, it is not as important as my own special day.
OP sounds like she has main character syndrome. And while yes she did warn her kid that she was throwing herself a birthday party and the son chose to have it afterwards, I get the feeling she did some extra stuff to make it bigger. Also she could have told the a-holes off for comparing the 2 events but it doesn't sound like it. When my sister was getting married a lot of people kept coming up to me asking about my divorce and I was like nope this is about my sister and not me. Seriously OP sounds like one of those rich a-holes. And honestly I think she is the major a-hole here.
Your son is right - you are a huge jerk. My sister turns 60 a week before her stepson’s wedding this October. She didn’t even consider having her party around that time because she says there’s too much to do supporting the wedding. Right now, she is trying to decide if she should have something in the summer or mid November. You don’t have to have milestone birthday parties on the day - anytime within the year works. Thats what decent people do. This OP was just delighted to overshadow the wedding - she probably wore a big white dress and now she’s trying to make her son the bad guy instead.
ESH - sounds like they were wanting it to be a competition. The budgets of each event don’t matter bc it shouldn’t have been a competition. Have a grand time at 50th and spend like crazy if you want and parents of groom in USA (if it is USA) don’t normally pay for wedding. However mom, wedding couple and all the guests are competing/comparing all are jerks for pitting the events against each other.
What an incredibly stupid stupid stupid ssttuuppiidd thing to be salty over. Who gives a sh*t your wedding might be "the most special day" to the couple.. but to the rest of the world, its just another day. Grow tf up.
I feel OP is a little smug (or is it me?). And whoever is comparing a party to a wedding is TA.
On one hand I think OP is a little too smug, but here is the fact where it doesn't matter: a wedding is a date of choice. You can decide when to have it. I would never plan my wedding around the same time as another major event within the same time that is important to my family and will overshadow and take away from my wedding. Birthdays and other people's past anniversaries are fixed dates, an upcoming wedding isn't. And it will always lose in competition to major anniversaries, other, already planned weddings around that time, mile stone birthdays etc. So knowingly planning a wedding when something like this is already planned and well known is creating unnecessary drama and is solely the fault of the couple planning it. So they don't get to whine and cry that other people will celebrate their well in advance known milestones as they please and won't scale down for your entitlement. Just plan it for another time. Simple as that. Her son had every chance to choose another date.
OP should find out who the actual shìt-stirrers are and cut them out of her life. What business did they have comparing milestone events, especially among family members?
But maybe the OP was the one doing the stirring by talking about her party at the wedding repeatedly
Load More Replies... Agree, who thinks like this? Maybe this is some rich people s**t or something because I cannot relate at all
Load More Replies... I feel like OP fed into people's comparisons a lot, because her attitude is already "my party is the best thing in the world and everything is about me"
The real problem here, are the rude guests. Probably family members who attended both celebrations. That's sad. You can't choose your family. But you can decide to never invite them again.
Her friends/family that shat talked the wedding are the a$$. They happened WEEK(S) apart and are 2 VERY different events. I hope it wasnt mom that offhandedly started the stir....who ever did though AH
I think the one that got me was the comment saying, "Seriously, how were they to know what year and day you were supposed to turn 50?" Really? The son doesn't know what day, month, and year his own mother was born? But the real stars of this shitshow are the wedding guests who compared the two events. It's apples and oranges and anyone who would do that is the primary a*****e in all of this.
I think that person was just being sarcastic! That and funny as hell! The wedding guest did suck though.
Load More Replies... A social circle that makes 50th birthday a bfd? Full adult wedding guests telling the couple their wedding was cheap while attending their wedding? A groom's mom who had her head so far up her a$$ at her son's wedding she couldn't bother to ask why he was miserable? And then she's all stunned when he's like You're friends were awful at my wedding...did you not...? I don't believe any of it.
Agree with the other comments, OP sounds very smug and it seems more than likely that they started the so called comparison talk. It also comes off like they went out of their way to make sure it was a bigger event as some kind of weird 'revenge' for daring to have the wedding so close to their birthday. Wouldn't be surprised if OP wore a fancy white gown to their birthday party too..
If anything he should have said "mom only turns 50 once and I'm glad you could make her party and our wedding. You got two parties and prob need to relax at our wedding. Our family does it big time. I'm glad my mom is still here to celebrate this day with us too!" They knew what was coming. He should have known if he was at your party how his wedding was going to look. The bride was prob there too and saw the comparison to come. The guests comparing the events? They are the tacky ones. They were invited to the wedding to celebrate the wedding. Not compare parties.
Weddings are inherently boring. Of course people are going to compare the stuffy, formal wedding with the giant blowout party-party they just went to the week before. Sucks, but humans are going to human, and they aren't evil for talking about a shared experience they all had the next time they got together.
It sounds to me like her son is just a spoiled brat. She told him in advance about the elaborate party and he said he didn't mind and planned to go a head with the wedding any way. I'm curious who was doing the trash talking and if they were talking to the son. Maybe no one was actually talking, but the son felt the wedding fell short and wanted his mother to feel bad. It seems odd to me that friends would trash talk to the son.
You all sound like jerks to me. The people making comparisons between the events are being jerks, your son and DIL are being jerks for whinging, and you're a jerk for buying into the argument. There didn't need to be any comparison, but it would not have been hard to guess that there might have been, and you, your son and your daughter in law should be mature enough to either ignore the comparisons or shut them down.
This lands on trash talking anyone's event. If it was your party you would accept it hopefully. Tell son and DIL time to grow up and not worry about what others are saying. I know it's harsh but they are losing the joy of their wedding because of other people's opinions. Don't ever let anyone be that important. I hope you show them this. Your fault in this is zero. Tell them I applaud them for not spending enough money to go into debt. Sorry this happened. The trash talking.
Not everyone is lucky to reach the age of 50. Birthday is nonetheless less special than a wedding, and vice versa. She has every right to celebrate her birthday her way or how lavish as she can afford it. She's not being selfish or insensitive here. She has been looking forward and preparing for it for many years. She also can be as happy and prideful on how her birthday party turned out. Why is it when one becomes a parent, the society expects you to stop living as yourself and take a back seat for the children? She upstaged the wedding, so what, she's less of a mom now??! That said, those who compared the two occasions are the a******s here. The son is wrong that he wants his mom to apologize. He can be hurt due to what happened but he should not place the blame on his mom and ask for an apology. That's just the same as saying, my wedding is more important than your birthday and that you should have muted your party, because again, it is not as important as my own special day.
OP sounds like she has main character syndrome. And while yes she did warn her kid that she was throwing herself a birthday party and the son chose to have it afterwards, I get the feeling she did some extra stuff to make it bigger. Also she could have told the a-holes off for comparing the 2 events but it doesn't sound like it. When my sister was getting married a lot of people kept coming up to me asking about my divorce and I was like nope this is about my sister and not me. Seriously OP sounds like one of those rich a-holes. And honestly I think she is the major a-hole here.
Your son is right - you are a huge jerk. My sister turns 60 a week before her stepson’s wedding this October. She didn’t even consider having her party around that time because she says there’s too much to do supporting the wedding. Right now, she is trying to decide if she should have something in the summer or mid November. You don’t have to have milestone birthday parties on the day - anytime within the year works. Thats what decent people do. This OP was just delighted to overshadow the wedding - she probably wore a big white dress and now she’s trying to make her son the bad guy instead.
ESH - sounds like they were wanting it to be a competition. The budgets of each event don’t matter bc it shouldn’t have been a competition. Have a grand time at 50th and spend like crazy if you want and parents of groom in USA (if it is USA) don’t normally pay for wedding. However mom, wedding couple and all the guests are competing/comparing all are jerks for pitting the events against each other.
What an incredibly stupid stupid stupid ssttuuppiidd thing to be salty over. Who gives a sh*t your wedding might be "the most special day" to the couple.. but to the rest of the world, its just another day. Grow tf up.
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