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What’s so funny about parenting? The fact that you have to deal with one too many wildings each day, from dusk until dawn? The preaching of the always tired gospel? Or the fact that you’ve forgotten what it's like to have a moment for yourself? Well, to be honest, none of these things are funny, but since most of us go through this process, we’ve found a way to cope with the state of parenthood. You know what we mean - laughter is the best medicine and the best way to take it is to laugh at some parenting jokes that tell nothing but the universal truth of raising kids. Thus, here we are, with our collection of hilarious, albeit painfully relatable jokes, formulated for moms and dads, but amusing to all. Except for the culprits of these jokes, maybe.
Some of them are actual stories that happened to very real people, which, in our eyes, makes this list all the more fun and enhanced to its max capacity. After all, when the truth is as absurd as this, no joke could outdo it! Then, there are, of course, some true mom jokes here - based on reality, but entirely fictional. Or are they…? Well, you be the judge! But for now, why don’t we all skip straight to our list of the best parent jokes and finally have that well-deserved comical relief for which we’ve gathered here in the first place.
So, give your kids something to do on their own, scroll on down below, and check out these hilarious jokes! We cannot promise that they will make your entire day better, but we are pretty sure that they just might lift up your spirits. If you encounter such a joke on this list, give it your vote, and if you feel like these parenting jokes could do some good for your friends sharing the same fate as you, then share!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
"Hats off to the waiter that kept a straight face as my 5yo ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna."
Philly Bob Squires 3 years ago
Watching my daughter in an Italian restaurant... order "Pasta Fangool" instead of Pasta Fagioli" (Fazool) LOL! You should have seen the look on the waitresses' face as she tried so hard not to crack up!
RELATED:
#2
Me: *on the toilet* 2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!! Me: I’m downstairs! 2yo: Oh... *runs off* Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Good Luckas 3 years ago
That’s called throwing your voice! Children can understand it better than other people.
GoddessOdd 3 years ago
This is brilliant! I wish I had thought of it when my niece was little and had an absolute bathroom fascination. She would routinely ask anyone leaving a bathroom what they did in there.
#3
Me: Yes, you were in my belly. 3yo: Why... *tears in her eyes* ...why did you eat me?
Mozzarella 3 years ago
“Whatever I did, it couldn’t have been that bad!” “I’ve lived with you all your life, I’m pretty sure it could have.”
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Scott Crowell 3 years ago
in the wild Sometimes parents eat their offspring, maybe, just saying with a little salt and pepper, garlic, butter. Next child will be better.
#4
"Somehow I’ve lucked out and have an 8yo who thinks secretly reading under the covers past her bedtime is an act of rebellion, and it hasn’t yet occurred to her that her flashlights never seem to run out of batteries."
RandomFrog 3 years ago
Yeah my dad gave me a good book series when I was nine and I didint sleep until I finished it lol. I would fall asleep w the book in my lap haha
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Wondering Alice 3 years ago
I begged my parents to let me have a high cabin bed by the window so I could hear the dawn corouse but it was actually so I could use street lighting to read as late as I wanted. They knew.
Lisa Valen 3 years ago
I don't think it ever occurred to me to wonder about the life of the batteries. I'm reading an excellent book; why would I be thinking about the flashlight?
Scott Crowell 3 years ago
My wife used to do that too, but her flashlight always hummed and vibrated for some reason.
Philly Bob Squires 3 years ago
Great parenting there! Much love... I used to sleep with a radio under my pillow... it never seemed to run out of batteries either. I turned out to be not only a major record collector but a music engineer and producer. Thanks Mom & Dad!
#5
8-year-old: *fights with her sisters* Me: All right, who started it? 8: You did when you had so many kids.
#6
9-year-old: My dress has pockets. Me: Okay. 9: Nothing can stop me.
Lisa Valen 3 years ago
Is that why they started to design pockets that aren't? On women's clothes?
#7
"My daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me."
(˚▽˚) 3 years ago (edited)
God kids these days know comeback like a boss, do they take secret lessons?
Kaid Martinez 3 years ago
I'm not sure why I never used this on my mom. I'm still young though
#8
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow. Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
James Arvidson 3 years ago
I like the child's version. They did not specifically say your own elbow (I hope).
#9
"I asked my son to turn down his music and he 'okayed boomer' me so now we're turning off the wi-fi for a bit."
Mozzarella 3 years ago
The cold wars. There will be hell if either of them win. Trust me. I have got lots of experience
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Sheila Stamey 3 years ago
Doesn't feel good, undeserved,and underaged for it, now does it? Lol.
Chin-sun Ming 3 years ago
Ight so if i dont respond if you call me just know the music I was playing was the last thing keeping me here, im in whatever book im reading then
#10
"I couldn’t decide if I wanted bangs or not so I cut bangs for my daughter and she looks awful. Dodged a bullet there."
GoddessOdd 3 years ago
I wish I had a daughter to try this on.... I've been thinking about bangs.
#11
Ice cream employee: I didn't know you had kids! You always come in by yourself. Kids: WHAT?! MOM! It's like she didn't want a tip.
#12
"I don’t know why people say having a dog prepares you for having a kid because my dog has never wanted to watch Frozen 47 days in a row."
(˚▽˚) 3 years ago
I have the same problem here, but i dont mind it, sorry i can't teach anybody how i reached this state of peace, suckers! (͡ ͡° ͜ つ ͡͡°)
Indosidius 3 years ago
Whatever you do, do NOT under any circumstances introduce them to Encanto.
Catlover129 3 years ago
Correct, BUT our dog is very happy to sit next to the kids as they watch it. Over. And Over. I swear the dog even has a favorite scene in there!
Scott Crowell 3 years ago
Whatever you do just DO NOT and I Repeat DO NOT buy your daughter a Frozen microphone with "let it be, Let it be" on it, unless you want to start drinking real real heavily
James Arvidson 3 years ago
Frozen is so much better than the choices my younger sister chose growing up. Parent Trap anyone? Everyday, multiple times a day until it, "accidentally" got recorded over. The one advantage of VHS. Thank God or the disc would have had to disappear.
Umi chan 3 years ago
That’s so me I love frozen I will never get bored of it ! And I’m 14 now !i was very young when it first came out and I watched it for the first time I loved it , than I would want to watch frozen everyday that my sisters ended up hating it and I could only watch it by my self on my birthday
#13
"Sometimes I like to mess with my family and hide their stuff where they can't find it. Like I put their shoes in the shoe closet, their jacket on a hanger and their keys on the key hook."
not_at_school ;) 3 years ago
my parents do this to me, lol, and i run around the house looking for them.
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago (edited)
I do this with my own stuff sometimes. Oh and to my siblings.
Load More Replies... Lisa Valen 3 years ago
I hide those same things in the same places, every time. Still, everyday, "have you seen my...? where is my...? I can't find...? EVERYDAY I hide the same items in the the same spot.
Wondering Alice 3 years ago
When I was a student, we had some friends visit for a week. We were all out when they left, and spent days of annoyance at their 'prank' of stealing all our dishes. Days before mobiles so it took a while to contact them, turns out they had decided to clean the kitchen and had put dishes in cupboard. Who does that?
RandomFrog 3 years ago
Ok my mom always cleans up my stuff cuz she’s too nice to all of us, but I leave stuff somewhere and I look there, the. It’s not there. Where it’s supposed to go is ussually the last place I look.
Francine Govan 3 years ago
Everything you look for is ALWAYS in the last place you look, Random Frog - you stop looking after you find it! LOL
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GoddessOdd 3 years ago
My ex once yelled at me for putting the aspirin in the medicine cabinet... I mean, what the hell? How was he supposed to find it there?
Chin-sun Ming 3 years ago
THE MESS IS ORGANIZED! I know exactly where something is in the mess organize it and I’ll never find it again
#14
"There weren’t any swings available at the park so my daughter yelled, “SOPHIA, EMMA, OLIVIA, AIDEN, YOUR MOM SAYS IT’S TIME TO GO!” and now the park is empty."
Jasper Williams 3 years ago
dang i wish i could go back in time to when i was young and do this
#15
"Grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings."
Madeleine Flowers 3 years ago
Apparently my factory settings are annoyed and spiteful, at least that's what I get reset to any time my grandparents come over.
Nikole 3 years ago
One of my grandmothers was intelligent and sassy; the other was not very bright and racist. Both of my grandfathers were pretty innocuous and laid back. So... 50/50 for me.
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Yvette Desmarais 3 years ago
My plan for grandparenting is to fill them up w sugar and send them home.
Lindsey Collis 3 years ago
My parents got do offended when we mentioned having to reset our daughter after a visit with them. They still comment on it over a decade later.
Mozzarella 3 years ago
Mum says this every time we were misbehaving. Never works tho, we all loved our grandparents. Once I even said, “I might even send you to your mama, you have needed a reset for a while. Guess who got grounded for being a smart a**e?
#16
"I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand."
Jasper Williams 3 years ago
lol ella va a ser como por qué está todo en español y por qué hay 273 fotos de mi mano izquierda
GoddessOdd 3 years ago
Like the Friends episode where Marcel the monkey reprograms the remote 😂
#17
"My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing. So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks. Then we had a duet and my point was missed."
#18
Me: Oh my, you drew eyebrows on your forehead in permanent marker. 5: You look surprised. Me: So do you.
#19
"My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night."
#20
Me: What should you do if you see smoke? 6-year-old: Ask what you're cooking.
Stymied Egan 3 years ago
When the kids were small and the smoke alarm went off we'd chorus "Dad's cooking." He'd reply "Almost done"
#21
"My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT."
Zoe Kinseher 3 years ago
Now they have winged bunny children and they are the ones that invented chocolate coins
GoddessOdd 3 years ago
I really want this to be true. They should also lay the little speckled candy eggs.
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Jill Hojnacki 3 years ago
One dyed hard-boiled egg under a corner of the pillow coming up.🤣 (Maybe the tooth fairy left some cash in the Easter basket.)
#22
"Self-confidence is my four year old asking me to turn off the ceiling fan so he can show me how high he jumps."
Betta Fish 3 years ago
Just pretend you turned off the fan, he jumps, and you have a couple hours of quiet time before he wakes up again
James Arvidson 3 years ago
Did you get them new shoes? They make you run faster and jump higher.
#23
"My 3 year old daughter threw a tantrum and started throwing things and stomping her feet. I started stomping along until she started laughing. Then she said “okay I’ll pick all this up” and cleaned up her mess. I feel like some sort of champion."
Lsai Aeon 3 years ago
I do similar with my son sometimes. When he's having an autistic meltdown, I'll start laughing and next thing you know my son is now laughing at me cuz I'm absolutely crazy. Meltdown resolved. It doesn't always work, I have learned when this will work and when it won't. More often than not, it does work though.
George Phucas 3 years ago
yo what's ur obession with killing kids about bro thats weird
Load More Replies... #24
“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?” - my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization.
RandomFrog 3 years ago
My little bro didint beleive me when I told him animal chiken and food chiken were the same
over it already 3 years ago
Bwahaha when my 15 year old was ~2 or maybe 3 we went to the local science museum. At the barnyard exhibit she stood in front of the turkey and loudly proclaimed "turkey! Yum, turkey!"
Yeah, you heard 3 years ago
If you think your kid would be repulsed by eating an animal, maybe you should give him the choice about whether he wants to eat an animal.
#25
"My son washed his own bedding last night so I’m torn between being thrilled and mortified as to why he washed his own bedding."
Summer Mason 3 years ago
At least he washed it. Mine gets nose bleeds and hides the pillow cases. Ugh.
Joy Hunter 3 years ago
I used to babysit for a 2-year-old who once wet her bed. She got up, got clean sheets from the linen chest, changed the bed, put the soiled sheets in the washing machine, and went back to bed. I didn't do a thing, I just stared.
Ivy la Sangrienta 3 years ago
There is only ONE reason. Same as why I never comment when I have to replenish my teenage sons tissue supply...
Philly Bob Squires 3 years ago
My Mom taught me to cook at age 10 and how to wash my own clothes at 12 (so that my Dad wouldn't get my socks and underwear and vice-versa!)
#26
"It’s amazing humans can learn something new everyday. For example, every Tuesday my husband learns our son has soccer practice at 6."
Judy Reynolds 3 years ago
Every September, I would hand my ex a birthday card and say "sign it, it's for your mother". Every September, he would ask me how I knew when his mother's birthday was.
GoddessOdd 3 years ago (edited)
Yep. Mine too. But he would also ask me if he got her anything.
Load More Replies... #27
My daughter on in-person learning: "They couldn't keep the bathrooms clean; how are they going to disinfect the whole school daily?"
Sleazy Weaver 3 years ago
more like "just commenting to point out a weird one & draw more attention to it"
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#28
6YO: Can I eat a cookie? Me: Finish your dinner first. 6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space.
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago
Snack stomach is always infinite but the meal stomach is the size of a dime.
Load More Replies... #29
"I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels."
Indosidius 3 years ago
Reverse psychology. Sorry to say, I tried it, didn't work. They took a look, saw it was empty, and put the empty box back in the fridge.
*Displayname*=idk 3 years ago (edited)
Yeah, and then they complain till you eventually go get more . Also can this get upvoted more? (Not mine but the comment this is commented on)
Load More Replies... #30
*Making friends at the playground* My 6yo: How old are you? Other kid: I'm 13. What about you? 6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 - I’m 6. My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Kusotare 3 years ago (edited)
Son-in-law has been complaining for years that he's "nearly 30". He turned 29 a few days ago. Now he's moaning that he's almost 40.
GoddessOdd 3 years ago
I always did this too, I don't know why. As soon as I had my 30th birthday, I would think of myself as almost 31. Then it got to the point where I would be 6 months into my 31st year and start telling people I was 32. Finally I had to do the math to figure out how old I really was. Now that I'm old, I don't do this anymore.
#31
"We homeschool. 12 started school by himself at 6:30 this morning. I asked why he started already and he said "I just want to get this done so I can get back to being lazy sooner. Right on bro."
MantisGirl15 3 years ago
I used to do that all the time. Or do a few days worth of work so that I could have the rest of the week off. I miss that.
#32
"I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”"
(˚▽˚) 3 years ago
"Sorry I got more important stuff to do, my barbie is going on a date and I have to get her ready"
Mrs. Ginger McSarcasm 3 years ago
Such a kind response though. Most kids would probably just say "no".
Man in the ceiling 3 years ago
What’s with you and the commenting about burying things under posts about kids.. I recommend seeking some help especially since this is repetitive. Or if this is just a joke that isn’t landing find better humor.
Load More Replies... #33
7-year-old: I ate all of my lunch at school, and half of my friend's. Me: Didn't she want her lunch? 7: When someone gives me food, I don't ask questions.
#34
5-year-old: I'm going to be so good tomorrow. Me: What about today? 5: I have plans.
#35
"My kids were screaming at each other. I told them to stop fighting. They said they weren't fighting. They were playing "Karens." Now everybody is grounded."
#36
"I just had to tell my 5-year-old not to walk down the stairs with a bucket over her head, so I think we can stop saving for college."
GoddessOdd 3 years ago
My sister told me once she was taking her daughter's college money and putting it towards either bail money or beauty school.
#37
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward? 2: Hit my brother.
kURT cOBAIN 3 years ago
When you get rewarded for something you did ( not spend money) do the exact thing
#38
6-year-old: Do you have lots of money? Me: I'm rich in other ways, like family. 6: So you're broke?
Philly Bob Squires 3 years ago
A truer sentence has never been spoken! LOL
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Michael Largey 3 years ago
"To be broke is not a disgrace. It is merely a catastrophe." - Nero Wolfe
#39
"When a kid asks a sibling to play a game of tag, they're basically asking if their sibling wants to take a jog that ends in a fight."
GenXandEarnedItAll 3 years ago
6 yeat old asks her older siblings to play hide and seek. Of course she wants to hide first. 20 minutes later she comes in crying. The little $hit$ just walked off and for a while she thought she was the best "hider" until reality set in.
#40
"7s class just had a very lively debate on the topic, "Is cereal a soup?" and I gotta say THIS is the 2nd grade content I lurk for."
Adrienne Mcginley 3 years ago
The answer is YES. It's a milk based cold soup with accents of marshmallows & red dye #5, and undertones of chemically enhanced fruit flavors.
Betta Fish 3 years ago
Ok this is English land we speak English (unless you are not from english land)
Load More Replies... Philly Bob Squires 3 years ago
Well, oatmeal, cream of wheat... cornflakes in milk for about 20 minutes....
Niall Mac Iomera 3 years ago
No it isn't. Saying it is is like saying putting a slice of bread in water makes soup.
Tracy Wallick 3 years ago
According to the cube rule of food, cereal= nachos XD https://cuberule.com/
#41
"My son on why Caleb is his best friend at kindergarten: "He doesn't really speak English, so we can skip all the talking and just get right to the karate.""
#42
I caught my 9-year-old helping my 5-year-old with her math homework. When they noticed I was watching, they started fighting. Have to keep up appearances.
Leoninus Fate 3 years ago
this reminds me of my lil brother and sister, I was adopted, and I was the only one that didn't fight {even tho I had bad anger problems} and I would notice they would stop as soon as our mom left the room, and asked them, my sister laughed and said "we like her to think she's the one that's making us stop when we "fight" cause it makes her happy when we stop", so then I said "why pretend to fight at all then?" and then there was a real fight and I got punched by my lil bro lol.....we were {me} 13, {sis} 11 {bro} 5
#43
"One of the joys of parenting is being scared by a low-battery toy screaming in middle of the night like no horror film ever will."
Legolas Greenleaf 3 years ago
I'm deaf, and I wear hearing aids, and randomly whenever a battery in them is low, this deepass man's voice will just go "BATTERY" and I forgot to take them out last night when I went to sleep so in the middle of the night I woke up to "BATTERY" and it scared me out of my skin holy crud
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over it already 3 years ago
Those puzzles that make a sound when the kid matches the right piece in place! Mine had one w a train, a car, airplane, etc. It makes the sound because of a light sensor when you put it together. Guess what happens when your kid leaves it under something, not put together and then night falls? Heart attacks, that's what happens.
Grace Noyes 3 years ago
That happened to me with Rock'em Sock'em robots. About had a heart attack.
#44
"Hear me out a party bus but it picks up other moms and we get to sleep while it drives around playing true crime podcasts and nobody talks to us or asks us for anything."
Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 3 years ago
Can I join even tho I ain't a mum??? Mentally a little tho
Piper L 3 years ago
Not a mom anymore, long story no child death involved, but can I join please?!
Adrienne Mcginley 3 years ago (edited)
And everyone will have their very own bathroom, with a door that actually locks!
#45
"I wear contacts so my toddler now asks everyone if they have their eyes in before she shows them anything."
#46
"I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school."
#47
"Parenting is a lot like drowning except when you finally surface for air, you immediately catch on fire."
#48
Me: Why are you naked? You can’t be naked at school you know. My 5yo: I know that’s why I’m naked now because I’m going to miss being naked so much.
Adrienne Mcginley 3 years ago
Sign leading out to the nudist camp parking lot: Did You Remember to Get Dressed?
#49
"Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him."
Scott Crowell 3 years ago
I told my daughter in Walmart with other people around It's my right to embarrass her because am her father. btw she's 13.
ᶜʰᵃᵒᵗⁱᶜ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ 3 years ago
Yes sir! Dad does that all the time and I love it I join right in with his crazy 🤣 you should hear our rendition of "what a wonderful world"
Load More Replies... #50
"“You know what’s weird? We name all our pets but we never tell them OUR names” my daughter going deep today."
#51
"I just clomped down the stairs loudly because of my heels and my son said, “Oh somebody gonna be in trouble today. She’s wearing the mean shoes.”"
Ashley Galyen 3 years ago
It's sorta true. If you walkthrough a department store in heels, everyone is always looking around for the elusive unicorn of management.
Load More Replies... #52
"Having a 2 year-old is like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it." - Jerry Seinfeld
#53
My son would like me to tweet this joke he made up: Q: What do you call a pig from 65,000,000 years ago? A: Jurassic Pork.
#54
"My 5yo asked if she could have a brownie and I started to say no cause it was too close to dinner and she said, “please your highness”. So I asked her where that came from and she said matter of factly, “Cause you’re my Queen.” So anyway, she’s now having brownies for dinner."
#55
"If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform."
Stymied Egan 3 years ago
The other day my spouse pointed out I was wearing the same clothes from the day before. My homeschool gardening class has a uniform now!
#56
"It's weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I'd have to remind my son not to touch the dog's butthole." - Jr.Williams
#57
"If I ever get kidnapped and taken to an undisclosed location, I'm sure my five year old will find me whenever they let me use the bathroom."
Summer Mason 3 years ago
My 8 year old, my husband, my cat and my dog will find me. This should be a movie.
Load More Replies... #58
"Not my 9 year old telling me she’s having a problem with a boy at school so they’re having a rap battle tomorrow."
Francine Govan 3 years ago
Yes, that seems right - and thanks, because I was a little confused until I read your comment!
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#59
ME: *exists* KID: That’s not how mommy does it.
#60
"My kid’s soccer roster looks less like a group of 8 year olds and more like a band of dwarves in Lord of the Rings."
Legolas Greenleaf 3 years ago
Interesting.... although I wouldn't think that Gimli or Thorin would be able to play soccer.
#61
"If I ever have kids I'm going to be a no-nonsense parent. If my kid ever cries and throws a tantrum, I'll be like, 'I'll give you something to cry about!' and then I'll make them watch Bambi." - Samantha Ruddy
#62
"My husband walks into our closet to find me drinking a large coffee and eating a doughnut in the dark. He says, "Do the kids know you are in here?" To which I reply, "Welcome to the teacher's lounge.""
Leoninus Fate 3 years ago
"do the kids know you're here? " ..... "I still got a doughnut don't I?"
Load More Replies... #63
"My daughter would unplug my life support to plug in her iPod."
#64
"The parenting books didn’t warn me that someday I’d find myself at the playground wiping my kid’s bottom with a McDonald’s cheeseburger wrapper, yet here we are."
#65
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing." - Phyllis Diller
Jespren Ray 3 years ago
My favorite version of this: “cleaning the house with kids in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos”.
Betta Fish 3 years ago
*Reflects on all the times I have shoveled the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
#66
"“Do not taste the dog” and other things I never expected to say: a parenting memoir."
#67
"The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops."
#68
"4yo starts to meltdown because I flushed the toilet instead of her (major faux pas). Then as tears brim over her eyelids, she takes a deep breath and says, “life is more important than toilets” Life is more important than toilets, y’all."
#69
*Middle of dinner* My kid: Can I have a snack?
#70
"I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day."
Sleazy Weaver 3 years ago
maybe she could feel her blood boiling & she wasnt kidding. she was warning the kids to back off before she exploded lol
Load More Replies... #71
"My daughter has been home from school for 30 minutes. She’s been talking for 40 of them."
Scott Crowell 3 years ago
At she waited until you were home. Mine would start at her daycare, all the way to the store and then home. 2 hrs of oh nice, wow really, No way!
#72
"Whenever I get discouraged and want to quit something, I remember the words of my then 3 year-old after she puked carrots all over the living room floor: "I'm gonna need more carrots.""
Stymied Egan 3 years ago
My daughter was stirring a pot of chili. She sneezed directly into the pot, "Ah, just right."
#73
"After folding all of the clothes I can only assume that I have 7 children and two husbands that I was not previously aware of."
Mrs. Ginger McSarcasm 3 years ago
I think the 2 extra husbands part is funnier than the 7 extra kids part.
over it already 3 years ago
Yes, and STILL my underwear and several single socks seem to be missing...
Robert Trebor 3 years ago
And you missed the basket with 47 pieces of small people's clothes to fold.
#74
"Anyone have the cheat codes to parenting a 3-year-old? This level is hard."
Island Girl 3 years ago
The trick is to imagine what it will be like parenting a 13 year old.😉
Robert Trebor 3 years ago
They don't tell you that it gets harder as you go along because insanity is a bad trait for parents of teens. Take each age as it comes along.
#75
son: Can I have your phone? me: No. son: Can I have your phone? me: No. son: Can I have your phone? me: No. son: Can I have your phone? me: WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT?!? son: I want to look up what it sounds like when a giraffe farts me: Why didn't you lead with that? Have a seat.
#76
"Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie."
#77
6yo: "When my play date gets here you and her mom can just go do 'Mom Things' like drink wine and talk about Girl Scout cookies, ok?"
Indosidius 3 years ago
Wait, what play date? Did you and your friend organize something without asking me?
#78
"ABC’s. 123’s. Animals. Colors. Great. Super. We need more children’s books about weekends and sleeping in. You know, for the kids."
#79
"My 7 yr old wants to know how many years I spent in "Mom training school" and if I "practiced enough with dolls" before I had her; I don't like this line of questioning."
#80
"I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!""
#81
"I told my 10yo as her school was cancelled that this was so unprecedented, her generation may end up being defined by it. Not two minutes later she excitedly exclaimed "we don't have to worry about getting shot at school for three whole weeks!" Sobering af."
RandomFrog 3 years ago
“The American dream” (I’m American for context not making fun of it just disappointed)
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#82
"It took my toddler so long to pick a spoon for dinner, she forgot what she was doing, I forgot what I was doing, and we just stood there staring at each other until she left."
Brenda Smith 3 years ago
...do not give in to that...you are still young. Give yourself time. It will come a day, toddler will be grown, out of the house, hopefully and AGE will assist with memory. Do not rush it--take a deep breath.
#83
"Being a parent is just basically walking around the house saying, "Clean up this mess!" until everyone is crying."
#84
"Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”"
Lisa Valen 3 years ago
You don't need to watch any cartoons. These days everyone can watch something different at the same time on their hand TVs
Reviewer UK01 3 years ago
Or read the same book. It's much harder to ignore when you have to do the reading
Stymied Egan 3 years ago
Winnie the Pooh. Especially if they were sick. We all knew them by heart.
#85
"I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking."
#86
"My teenage daughter just walked in my room and said, “Mom, if you take my hairbrush can you please remember to put it back?”. I just looked at her and laughed and laughed and laughed until she slowly backed out of the room."
#87
"Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs."
#88
"Why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? Has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?"
Scott Crowell 3 years ago
Well Yea. You haven't? I mean what else am I going to fill up all those slots in my wallet with?
#89
"Daughter now refusing fruit for breakfast saying she doesn’t “like sweet things in the bitter morning” so I guess it’s safe to say that 3rd grade is when reality first kicks in."
#90
"My 4 year old just got mad at me for not calling myself the Best Mom in the World, so if you’re looking for a life coach who’ll scream at you until you believe in yourself, have I got a recommendation for you."
#91
"To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don't feel guilty if you're not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they'll be fine."
Scott Crowell 3 years ago (edited)
You've never been quarantined with you child for a year for remote learning have you? Hmmmmm?
#93
"As a parent, I was prepared for the boy to get into violent video games, but I was not prepared for him to become obsessed with a vineyard management sim called Terroir and get upset about critics slagging off on his Zinfandel."
HeatherDPanda 3 years ago
Wait what??? At least is isn't Starcraft on repeat, "OUR ALLIES ARE UNDER ATTACK" "THE ENEMY IS AT THE GATE" when they played on the TV!
#94
"My 11yo just screamed across the skatepark “MOM! DID YOU EVER GET OUR HEALTH INSURANCE REINSTATED? I WANNA DO A TRICK!”"
#95
"The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink."
#96
"As long as you sing to the tune of "You Are my Sunshine," you can literally say anything you want to a baby. I just vented all my frustrations and she still fell asleep. Best therapy ever."
#97
"My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry."
Miz Chelle 3 years ago (edited)
Wait... your McDonald's has a working ice cream machine!?!?!? WTF!!!
Piper L 3 years ago
Fun story, it's actually so bad that the FTC are looking into it, technically as an antitrust issue. https://www.vice.com/en/article/jg83e4/the-ftc-is-investigating-why-mcdonalds-mcflurry-machines-are-always-broken-report
Load More Replies... #98
"My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school."
Atchaco-Leigh 3 years ago
As a person that is in boarding school I can confirm that this happens.
#99
"None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means."
Michael Callahan 3 years ago
I find answering them honestly and directly when these kinds of questions come up stops these kind of questions🤣
Wondering Alice 3 years ago
I agree, it's way better than leaving them to Google the answer. However, the 12 year old who asked me in school last month why the other boys giggled at '69' is still keeping his distance from me.
Load More Replies... #100
7-year-old: This is my friend. He's been in my class since KINDERGARTEN. Me: That's only three years. 7: That's like half my life.
#101
5-year-old: I'll miss you when I'm at school. Me: I'll miss you, too. 5: I was talking to my stuffed animals.
#102
"I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, 'This is my oldest. It's my favorite.' 'This one was the result of a long night of drinking.' 'This one came out a little darker than I expected.' And so on." - Keith Alberstadt
Lisa Valen 3 years ago
Someone asked me once if I wanted to see their tattoos and hear the stories behind each. "No thank you", said I. She showed them all to me anyway.
#103
"No one laughs or even smiles when I sing “Lord I was born a scramblin’ man” every time I make eggs but that’s the dad life, baby."
#104
"My kids just ate a second breakfast, so I guess I'm raising hobbits."
#105
"Half of parenting is just moving cups away from the edge of the table."
#106
"What doesn't kill you wakes you up at 5 am asking for cereal and Peppa Pig."
Nicole Trombly 3 years ago (edited)
I can’t hear or say “what time is it?” Without singing (in my head of course) “it’s time for lunch”!! Da@m bubble guppies!
ᶜʰᵃᵒᵗⁱᶜ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ 3 years ago
*SCREAMS IN HAVING THAT STUCK IN MY HEAD NOW* 🤣
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Nurichwersonst 3 years ago
I have a brain damage because of "Caillou" the bald headed kid and "Fireman Sam" who's just a poor soul in a village full of mindless people... one brain cell less and they would s**t everywhere...
#107
"My 10-year-old made scrambled eggs for her sisters, but they refused to eat it. She was distraught. Why would they turn down perfectly good food that she worked really hard on? Welcome to parenthood."
#108
"Have kids so you too can receive thought-provoking questions such as, "If Goofy & Pluto are both dogs then why does only Goofy talk??""
Puppeteer Saint 3 years ago
Ranks right up there with "if Cinderella's slippers were a perfect fit, how did one fall off?"
Asta453 3 years ago
No, Goofy is a dog. Clarabella is a cow and looks way different. It's because they're a) anthropomorphic and b) consider themselves humans.
Load More Replies... WarpedThoughts 3 years ago
Nobody can answer. So they will turn into adults who still ask this question, forever seeking the One who can answer 'why doeth goofy speak whilst pluto can not?'
#109
Me: Go clean your room. Translation: Go away for a few minutes. We both know you're not going to really clean anything in there.
#110
"Stepping down from my job to devote myself full time to reading the emails from my kids schools."
#111
No one: Absolutely no one: My five year old: You can touch my blood if you want.
#112
"According to my kid, the perfect amount of time to stay at the park is five more minutes."
#113
"I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game."
#115
no one: my 5 year old: I know that guy in blues clues isn’t really talking to me because one time he asked me to do something and I said no and he said thanks.
#116
"My daughter’s s new favorite game is called “walk around the table together”. It’s about as exciting as you’re imagining."
#117
"My four year old just asked me to eat the rest of her fries and i wept for suddenly the pain of childbirth was erased."
#118
"I asked my son what he wanted for his birthday and my daughter yelled MORE DEODORANT so now I have a favorite child."
#119
"Nobody is more drunk with power than a 5-year-old telling you to “go fish.”"
RandomFrog 3 years ago
Hahahahah this reminded me of that one time my (around five at the time) sister put a camp chair on the fold out table and held/pointed a broom at people while yelling at everyone.
#120
"Optimists see the cup half-full. Pessimists see the cup half-empty. Parents of toddlers see the cup spilled all over the floor."
Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 3 years ago
It. Depends. On. Whether. Water. Was. Added. Or. Removed. From. The. Cup.
#121
"My kid’s doctor kit includes a stethoscope, an otoscope, a syringe, and like 9 dolphins."
#122
"I want support my children and encourage them to follow their dreams, but right now my 3yo's dream seems to be to open every cupboard door in IKEA."
#123
"My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog."
Sleazy Weaver 3 years ago
poor dog. pets don't need clothes & don't want them either. most animals find them uncomfortable, stressful, & scary. leave the poor thing alone; it already has fur, thank you very much.
Rachel Connot 3 years ago
Then why are thunder blankets/coats soothing for them?
Load More Replies... #124
"My 2-year-old stood still and cooperated when I brushed her hair. Just kidding. I chased her through the house like Jason in a slasher flick."
#125
"My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure."
#126
"Great news I got a 100 on my son's geometry test."
#127
"My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she'll be getting regifted."
#128
"Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today."
#129
"“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me."
#130
"Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something."
#131
"No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did."
#132
"My daughter knew her alphabet and could count to 15 a little after she turned two. Everyone told me she was advanced for her age, and I began having visions of my very own Doogie Howser. She's about to turn three, and yesterday I watched her try to put on a tank top as if it was pants for twenty minutes. I guess she'll be my little Rain Man." - Nathan Timmel
#133
"You think you’re going to have a pretty normal day and then your 5-year-old announces she only walks backwards now."
#134
"There’s an urban legend going around that one time a kid went on a 20 minute car ride without a tablet or fidget toys."
#135
"Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome." - Nate Smith
#136
"For having a 50% chance, my youngest kid gets her shoes on the wrong feet 100% of the time."
#137
"I never realized how much of parenthood would involve competing with the dog for my kids' leftover fries."
Emanual Henry 3 years ago
If my kid doesn't finish his chick filet, I've got the same look in my eyes as my dogs
#138
"Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop."
Sleazy Weaver 3 years ago (edited)
i don't get it. adults are allowed to say no to unwanted physical contact, & it's becoming more common for people not to expect hugs from little kids if they're uncomfortable with it, but teenagers aren't allowed to have boundaries? come on, there's no need to embarrass them. the "no love in public" thing is just a phase they'll grow out of once they're adults. you know they love you really, but peers can be extremely judgemental & often bully others for being a mama's boy/girl or being "immature". just be understanding & respect your kid's boundaries during the teen phase. they'll be out of it soon. i really don't see what's so funny about publicly embarassing a loved one. don't make those difficult years any harder than they need to be. THAT'S how you show your teen you love them, not by doing something you know will make them uncomfortable.
Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 3 years ago
I agree. Being bullied isn't fun guys
Load More Replies... Scott Crowell 3 years ago
Remember to say I love you and wave as the bus leaves, all while wearing you favorite rob and slippers.
Stymied Egan 3 years ago
We lived at the top end of a dead end street. Our bus picked us up at the end of our drive then went down the road picked up more kids and came back. My mother would stand in our picture window and wave, everyday. I hit an age where it was Sooooo embarrassing I wouldn't even look. What I didn't know was 3/4's of the bus was waving. They'd been doing it forever.
#139
"Kids mispronouncing things is super adorable but at some point I will have to tell my daughter we don’t put Farmer John cheese on spaghetti."
Stymied Egan 3 years ago
We were on a planned tour in our local museum with kindergarteners. They asked the kids questions about the paintings and at one point they asked my son something. There was mild look of shock when he explained that most of the art had cheeses in them.
#141
"Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it."
#143
"When your kid hates celery and finds out it's in their favourite tomato ketchup you've just gotta hold their hand and ride that rollercoaster with them."
#144
"Being home with kids all day is just the loneliest never-alone thing. Like living in a cave filled with malfunctioning Teddy Ruxpins."
#145
"Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you." - Ray Romano
#146
"You want to know what it's like having a fourth kid? Imagine you're drowning, then someone hands you a baby." - Jim Gaffigan
#147
"I'm totally 'that dad' who leaves a note in my son's lunch box. One day I'll actually start putting food in there also." - Steve Ryan
#148
"Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them responsibility for 24-36 hours." - Conan O'Brien
Sleazy Weaver 3 years ago
yeah, no. that just means you have no idea how to take care of a fish if you're killing it off that fast. my goldfish (my fiest ever fish!) is almost seven years old & is still going strong. it was rescued from a classroom where it was kept in half an old 2 liter soda bottle with no food, swimming in its own filth with no change of water for weeks. i got it a nice big tank (NOT A BOWL), decorations, a filtration system, & a food dispenser on a daily timer so it wouldn't be overfed by family members thinking it hadn't been fed yet. even if the fish was mistreated before, you can still give it a long & happy life if you know what you're doing. the whole "goldfish die fast" thing is b******t. goldfish can live for up to 15 years but nobody bothers to do their research or take care of their fiah properly because they're so cheap & "disposable" & not treated like living things. congrats, you're teaching your kids to be irresponsible & not value the life of animals.
Nathan Furtick 3 years ago
Mfer really took a solid 2 to 3 minutes to give us a paragraph no ine cares about :l
Load More Replies... #149
"There are times when I kiss and hug my son because I love him, and there are times I do it so 70 years from now he doesn't run for the presidency out of vainglorious spite and then kill 150,000 people because taking advice emasculates him."
#150
"My 4 year old handed me his toy car with flashing lights and “realistic” engine noises and asked me to turn it off because it made his head hurt so can I retire from parenting now or what."
#151
"I sometimes equate it to what it must be like running a prison. What happens with three boys is you end up barking out orders like, 'Upstairs now!' 'Brush teeth!' 'Lights out!' There is so much chaos you can't really take the time to articulate." - Will Ferrell
#152
"I think my 5 yo might be the second little pig because he has collected a whole house of sticks on the front porch."
#154
"Since my son knows everything what should I ask him?"
#155
"Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, 'You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.'" - Ari Fishbein
#156
"Gave children 'The Talk' today. They needed to know that mechanical pencils, no matter how aesthetically-superior, will only bring sadness."
Emanual Henry 3 years ago
What is wrong with mechanical? I don't like how regular pencils feel to the touch
#157
"Asked my niece if she had to go number 1 or number 2 and she said "666" and is crawling on the ceiling lol parenting is hard."
What do you think ?
Andrea Careless 3 years ago
When I was pregnant with my 2nd I explained to my son that the baby was floating in warm water (amniotic fluid). He thought about it carefully and then asked “Are there noodles in there?” Valid question
Rosetta Tse 3 years ago
I told my six year old that he as born naked. He disagreed and said that had I eaten underwear so he came out wearing it.
Andrea Careless 3 years ago
When I was pregnant with my 2nd I explained to my son that the baby was floating in warm water (amniotic fluid). He thought about it carefully and then asked “Are there noodles in there?” Valid question
Rosetta Tse 3 years ago
I told my six year old that he as born naked. He disagreed and said that had I eaten underwear so he came out wearing it.
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