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A lot of people try to give meaning to their lives by building a house, planting a tree, and bringing up a child. There are some, however, who are content with just the first two options. In fact, recent U.S. population surveys show that a record percentage of women don’t have kids. Recently, reddit user throwawaygeneral8899 (who is currently getting married) decided to find out how these people are dealing with the consequences of their choice. They created a post asking "Older couples that decided to not have children ...how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?" The responses started pouring in quickly, and you can really feel the honesty behind them.
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#1
My husband & I are in our 50s & have been married 19 years. We both grew up with abusive dads, were the “smart kid” in the family, got the hell out ASAP, worked our way through college & made something of ourselves before meeting & getting married. A lot of common ground & we’ve built a strong, rock-solid marriage. We considered having kids, but after working so hard on healing from the childhood abuse & escaping the cycle of poverty we grew up in, we decided long ago that just the two of us was enough. We still consider ourselves a family and we’ve been really happy with our life together. Our home is peaceful & that’s the thing we care about the most. If I had to choose now, knowing what I do, between becoming a mother & having the marriage & home life I now enjoy, it’s absolutely no contest. Zero regrets.
Jessica Bertram 6 years ago
I feel the exact same way. My husband and I chose this, to escape the cycles of poverty and abuse, and to build a life that is both satisfying and rewarding. So far so good: 17 years without regrets.
Pseudo Puppy 6 years ago
made the same choices re: not having kids, for the same reason. Had multiple offers of marriage - but not found the right one yet. I'm very glad that you and your guy found eachother, and are doing good. Not always easy thing when you start from poverty / abuse. Well done! :D
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Id row 6 years ago
I'm almost 48 and have been with my husband for 28 years and every day I'm thankful we didn't have kids. I had a very rough childhood and all I want is peace in my life, not a screaming child who will grow up expecting me to be an ATM and blaming me for all their problems. The world is way overpopulated anyway. If something isn't done about the population growth, it's going to reach critical mass sooner rather than later.
Kathryn9 Spraker 2 years ago
Observations from my husband's extended family; several are now a burden bcuz of being childless. Ppl need to stop thinking " who will take CARE of me when I'm old?" and think " who will LOVE me when I'm old?" HUGE Difference. Who will want to be around you, share memories, share day to day life? Newsflash: your spouse will die before you're ready. Nieces & Nephews cousins etc may LIKE you, but only kids you raised with joy will provide lifelong LOVE. Really, in the end that's all that matters.
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Tonia Anderson 4 years ago
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Frank Stella 5 years ago
There is no way to know what the experience of having kids is like unless you've done it. Therefore it's impossible to give a meaningful answer to this question unless you have lived two lives. You can guess about either side of the fence, but this question can't really be answered. What is this? A blog set up by children looking for a career of some kind? Bogus.
Alicia Beutler 5 years ago
Will never know the meaning of true love and too scared to share it
Researchers rarely collect data that distinguishes between the involuntarily childless and the consciously childfree. The 2014 census figures, however, revealed that 47.6 percent of women between age 15 and 44 have never had children ― the highest rate ever tracked. According to a 2014 Pew Research Center report, 19 percent of women remain childless by age 40 to 44.
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#2
We've been married twenty years. We are both 50. Neither of us wanted to bring children into our family. I spent a WONDERFUL afternoon with my 16 year old niece yesterday. We talked about her boyfriend, picked blackberries and discovered a woodland clam [fingernail mussel] living in a mud puddle [vernal pool] in the woods, which we named Fred. It was magical. I just adore her. Not having kids is just as normal as wanting kids, I've always felt. Zero regrets.
Elizabeth Shaaber 6 years ago (edited)
i fully agree... my decision to not have kids has nothing to do with how i was raised or my feelings towards children in general. it was just the natural decision, like others make when choosing to have kids, it just wasn't meant for me.
SBW71 6 years ago
I agree as well. Has nothing to do with how I feel about kids (which I do like just as long as I can give them back! Ha ha) just never felt the need to have them. I'd rather spoil my nieces and nephew and friends kids. I rather stay as the fun Aunt!
Leslie Mallard 6 years ago
I have always felt there was a HUGE need for those special Aunts and Uncles who aren't otherwise occupied with their own children to shower other children with affection in an unencumbered way!
Load More Replies... Id row 6 years ago
I've had a couple nightmares where I was pregnant and so relieved when I woke up. I don't know how women do it. I'm completely missing that maternal gene. Not only missing it, I have something that's given me an aversion to it. To me, a baby crying is the worst sound I can imagine. I even put the tv on mute if there's a crying baby on it. If there's an anti-child gene, I got a hefty dose of it.
Shelly Pain 6 years ago
I’ve been “Crazy Aunt Shelly” for almost 40 years. As adults my nieces chose to visit me at their own expense. I think that alone suggests that I did something right.
Luisa Vasconcelos 6 years ago
Amen. You couldn't say it better. Have kids is just so normal as having no kids. I have kids but always feel annoyed by people being bullying for not having kids.
Tonia Anderson 4 years ago
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Amanda Lewis 5 years ago
Love your perspective. A common misconception is that if you don't want kids, you hate kids and you are a monster. That could not be FURTHER from the truth! Thank you :)
Mo Poppins 6 years ago
There are quite a few people who chose long ago never to have kids, who are much more loving and generous than biological parents.
Amy Blackstone, a gender sociologist at the University of Maine who specializes in childfree research, hopes that her work at least helps question the assumption that little boys and girls will grow up to become parents. "Right now, girls in particular, but girls and boys both, are raised to imagine themselves as parents of children," she told Huff Post. "But if we more critically thought about the question of whether or not to parent, then everyone would have the opportunity to make the choice that’s right for them."
"Of course, the childfree would benefit... if we made it a choice rather than an assumption,” Blackstone said. "But I think parents would benefit, too."
#3
No regrets. Not everyone wants them, and if you're not sure, it's best to hold off. Having ambivalent (or worse) parents does a real number on a kids self esteem.
LaDonna Hulcy 6 years ago
The whole thing is true. and the last part is very true.
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Sill Marien 6 years ago
That's me. I'm just not sure I would be able to be anything other than demanding and cold towards the hypothetical kid. So I better not.
D. Pitbull 6 years ago
THANK YOU - I grew up being constantly told that I was not wanted, that I was a result of "that's just the thing that was done" - that I was nothing but a burden, that I was a curse, etc. (those are the most 'nice' comments) Do NOT have children if you do not WANT them... it does not make "everything better"
Carol Taylor 6 years ago
one of my sons has three children, the other one doesn't want any, nor his wife at this time in their lives...now l don't have a problem with this, it's their choice..if they do it's because they caved into pressure from her mum OR finally felt ready..right now they are career driven and thats fine..they at least know they have no pressure from me..
Blackstone conducted 60 to 90-minute interviews with 31 people (21 women and 10 men) about their decision to live childfree. The small qualitative study found out that the choice is not spontaneous but rather a complex and ongoing conversation. This pushes back on critics, saying that childfree couples are selfish or flippant.
Since publishing her research, Blackstone has interviewed 44 more people, expanding the diversity of her participant pool. She wishes to continue her research in the future as well, which will hopefully create a world where childfree people don’t have to defend their choice to others or suffer socially for it.
#4
Well...I'm a dude in a relationship with a dude. 26 years. We could have had children but didn't. Have plenty of nieces and nephews to spoil. Also...we've been able to save and we are retiring this week. I'm 54.
Mary Jaye 6 years ago
My significant other and I have been a couple four 36 1/2 years. We don't even live together. In fact we live 15 miles apart and that's why we are together so long. Michael has an ex-wife and a son with her. I have no children and never had a desire. I am almost 67 years old I have absolutely no regrets. Some people are made not to have kids and they don't know it. I knew that it would not be the right thing for me or the kids.
Bobby's Girl 6 years ago
Children or freedom and money: Pick one, because they are rarely found together.
varwenea 6 years ago
What is so creepy about that? I spoil my nieces and nephews too. Is this comment a terminology issue? The term means to indulge them, with gifts and/or time.
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#5
Mid-40s, married for 22 years. No regrets. We’re both extremely happy - we have a great marriage, fulfilling jobs, money (and time) for all the fun things we want to do, and as much travel as we want (currently on week 6 of a 7 week road trip). I have never felt a lack in my life for not having children, and have always felt that having children would be detrimental to my happiness. I’m sure it’s great for those that actually want kids, but I’ve never been one of those people. I also have around 16 nieces and nephews, so we get to sort of experience that whole "having a kid" thing for a week or two at a time...and then send them home, which works out perfectly. Our two cats and one dog are as close to having kids that we will ever have, and trust me - that’s about as much responsibility for someone else’s life as we should be given. I love our pets, but having a dog has very firmly shown me that it’s a good thing we never had kids.
TD Baker 6 years ago
so true. i know people who have kids and they never come to visit or take care of them. and i know people with no kids whose home is a constant lively place. having kids don't guarantee anything in life. just make the best of what you have and enjoy life, kids don't bring happiness, it starts within you.
Elizabeth Shaaber 6 years ago
i'm right there with you, my dog is now 18 years old!!! i love her very much but i do look forward to being Empty-Nester's one day :D lol
Shannon Hardin 4 years ago
All of these responses seem like oppositional to allowing the idea of having children. I don't believe them 100 percent. At some point a childless adult im sure says or propositions oneself and thinks, 'what if.....' which would allow me to reasonably believe their validity. I am 48, promised my wife we would have at least one. We do not. Its sad. For us, and possibly those who do ask that question.
Dawn Welton 6 years ago
This is so me...wish I'd never had kids, didn't want them. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, I've just never been great at parenting, and don't much like it.
Lana Jig-maker 6 years ago
I wish people would stop some how comparing children to pets. Yes both are responsibilities, and yes both require attention. However, only one will grow up to be an adult who probably learned from you how yo be that grown up. Both may run around, eating things they shouldn't, and both get sick. However, only one comes from you, looks like you, and carries your DNA. I never wanted to be a parent, and still don't(I'm 31). I just think human kids deserve more respect than animals.
#6
My husband and I are 48. Not having kids is a huge relief, still. We get to travel, have a nice house, walk around naked if we want, and I have disposable income to support causes that are important. My life is fulfilling and happy.
Foxxy 6 years ago
I never understood the people who say that if you don’t have kids you aren’t fulfilled. Not everyone wants kids (as this post shows) and that is fine. They can still live very fulfilling lives.
Jessica Bertram 6 years ago
We do, Foxxy. As far as my marriage goes, we travel quite a bit (have been to 4 countries so far this year: Egypt, Greece, England, Argentina). We can leave for a camping weekend at a moment's notice, have disposable income for things like shows and splurges, and are giddily, revoltingly happy. I work, volunteer, and am completely fulfilled. <3
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Croline Lason 6 years ago
Good for you :) ! (BTW, I have 2 kids and still walk around the house naked if I want ;) )
Mo Poppins 6 years ago
Most people aren’t happy. And most have married (or were, for a time). And many also have kids. I don’t understand why more people don’t see this connection. Since our society is run by narcissists, they would never see the purpose and power of INTROSPECTION, which could prevent a miserable life of mindless obligation.
Daisy 6 years ago
I read an article once about some celeb forget who it was... but they said they finally had a kid later in life because they had drank their fill of bud lights in the hot tub. I’m just not there yet. 31, my husband is 38 we make over $300K and spend our money and time working, flipping houses, traveling... Someday maybe I’ll feel like I’ve drank enough beers in the hot tub. But I’m not there yet.
Rob Hersey 6 years ago
Exactly. My partner and I are both 48, and are very much relieved that neither of us had kids. It took a good part of our lives to find each other, and are enjoying every moment we share together, traveling and such. No money problems,no distractions, no bullcrap.
Lisa Ollard 5 years ago (edited)
I;m childfree - not having kids.....Does that mean Mother Teresa didn't have a fulfilling life? lol
#7
Every kid I don't have is like $186,000 I don't need to make.
Id row 6 years ago
Amen. Plus you don't have to worry about them screaming at you that you ruined their life when you say no to the thousand dollar iphone they want. The entitlement of kids today makes me double glad I didn't have them.
Julia Wallace 6 years ago
Parents create that entitlement, children aren’t born with it
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Bobby's Girl 6 years ago
It's $186,000 you get to tuck away for your old age, instead of spending it on kids who will still expect you to fund their lifestyle when you're old.
#8
I love my life. Kids never factored into it. I never wanted them, so simply didn't have them. Having never wanted them, I don't think about having missed out on anything or that I'm lesser for it. Children aren't mandatory
Nancy Jeckells 6 years ago
I absolutely agree. Married twenty one years, no kids, many fur baby cats, happier than I have ever been at 58. Living my best life right now.
Lynn Biasini McElfresh 5 years ago
Same here. I'm now 70 and have never regretted not having kids. My husband, who is 71, feels the same! We didn't meet until we were 50 ish, but that was something that drew us together. We scuba dive, travel, garden. We have a fabulous Mutt and a couple cats. We have a very simple, but happy life. I think that's ok; after all, it IS OUR LIVES
Mick Perger 6 years ago
I was never in a stable enough relationship to have children. Therefore I never did. The way the world is going I`d be mortified for their future if I had.
Coreen Kerr 6 years ago
I love your comment I am so tired of people judging me because I decided not to have children your last line says it all. I don't care to much for children but that's ok cuz they don't care much for me either.
Laura Osborne 5 years ago
Exactly my thinking, I've never wanted children myself (in all honesty I don't like them - don't misunderstand me, I'd never hurt one or allow one to be hurt in my presence) and no man has ever changed my mind! No regrets at all.
#9
I'm not a couple, just a person. I've been in lots of relationships and was married twice. I would not have made a good parent. Regret sometimes I wasn't born into a different life, but given the cards I was dealt... I think I made the right choice in that department and have no regrets.
Michyle Glen 6 years ago
Same here,,, Most of my relationships were short term, and I was always afraid I would be like my Father (he had a temper) and that I might put one of my kids into a wall. Better not to have kids if you you have a temper. Because Kids love to push the envelope to see how far they can get away with anything.
Mick Perger 6 years ago
One of the best pieces of advice I received was from an English teacher the day I finished my schooling. He said all we had to do as a person was to be aware of yourself. I commend you sir for your decision.
Load More Replies... Mo Poppins 6 years ago
If only more people were self-aware enough to know that they would never make good parents.
Nicola Spencer 6 years ago
Have no regrets life is to short as it is ! Here is to a happy for you 😎
Terry Shaffer 6 years ago
I AM THE SAME!!! BEEN MARRIED AND NOW WIDOWED KIDS GROWN AND HAVE LITTLE TO DO WITH ME DUE TO MANY YEARS APART BUT THATS OK I HAVE A FULL LIFE AND NO REGRETS!!!
#10
I'm a 49 year old female and have never regretted my decision to not have kids. I think I've always been missing the mommy gene. I like not having the responsibilities and obligations (and expenses!) that go along with having kids.
Nancy Jeckells 6 years ago
I am missing the mommy gene as well, although I like babies and little children, but when they start to talk back, forget about it, I just want to run for the hills. I was engaged at 26 but he wanted kids. turned out it was a deal-breaker . I could just see that it wasn't the life I wanted. this was in canada. because I wasn't tied down, I was able to move to england in the 80s, where I met a wonderful man who has been my husband for over 20 years. Luckily, he didnt want children either,. we have wonderful lives down in cornwall. be true to yourself. always......
Gina Tarr 6 years ago
I definitely didn't miss out on the mommy gene, Nancy Jeckells I had 5, and when they talked back sometimes I wanted to run for the hills. I don't regret having my children, and I have a lot of respect for people who never wanted children. Thank you all for sharing your stories!
Load More Replies... Nicole Cabrera 6 years ago
I am 39 and I am grateful that I'm self aware enough to know that I'm to selfish to have a child. i like my sleep and freedom. I'm proud of myself for not succumbing to social pressure. I would prob be an OK, mom, full of resentment. Childfree, I'm volunteering, working, investing, traveling......
D. Pitbull 6 years ago
I wish I could talk to this person. It's like me... never had "the drive" - and 50% of the people around me... keep INSISTING "it'll kick in. It'll kick in! You'll regret not doing it! You won't ever grow up fully until you have kids!!!"... the other 50% just give me this disgusting "I pity your sad life" look. Seriously. Why.
Maria Ines Molina 6 years ago
Pretty much the same here! I just turned 42 and never wanted to be a mommy. I see my friends with children and all I think is how happy I am with my choice. I have nephews and and a godchild, and I love them a lot, but I never wanted kids of my own. I enjoy my freedom so much. I've had a very fullfilling relationship for more than 10 years and he doesn't want kids either.
#11
We're both in our mid 40s. When we got married in our mid 20s we were trying to have kids, until we realized that we were pretty much just doing it because it was expected of us by family. I decided to not get pregnant and my husband has supported my decision. After a few years my husband started having spotty employment due to health issues and ended up on disability. We don't know if he'll ever be able to work again or what his long term health will be like. We were concerned that he wouldn't be able to contribute to a child's life, either financially or by providing care. Plus I found out I have fertility issues and it would be very expensive and difficult, if not impossible, for me to get pregnant. Also I've realized in the last few years that 1) my upbringing qualifies as abuse and I'm more like my abuser than I'm comfortable admitting; 2) I don't want to treat a kid the way I got treated but I'm afraid it would be inevitable without a crap ton of ongoing therapy for the entire family; and 3) I realized that I just don't really like kids that much. Having a kid around for a couple hours? Fine. 24/7 for minimum 18 years? No thanks. Sometimes I worry that when we're old we'll be alone and regret it then, but we have plenty of nieces and nephews, and the fear of the possibility of regret thirty or forty years from now isn't a valid reason to get pregnant IMO.
TD Baker 6 years ago
shouldn't worry, there are people with children, and the kids don't care or visit or ship them to a home and wash their hands of it. there are no guarantees in life, make the best of what you love starting with yourself.
Nancy Jeckells 6 years ago
td baker, wise words indeed, nothing is guaranteed. do what is right for you. never mind what people think , or what everyone else is doing. xx
Load More Replies... Luisa Vasconcelos 6 years ago
The money you would spend having a kid you an save in a bank account and give yourself a retirement somewhere nice and friendly. Having kids is no garantie that you will not be alone when older. Ask the mother of 5 kids that only visit her 1 a year although all of them live less then 30 minutes driving.
Id row 6 years ago
I'm in a similar situation where I have a chronic illness and am on disability. If I had had kids, it would have been so much harder and probably would have made me a lot sicker from the stress. I don't even think I could be around a kid for a couple hours if it was just me watching them, I'd have way too much anxiety, which would send me into a flare of my symptoms. When I was in my 20's, I had a friend who was a teacher for elementary aged kids and when she called me, I'd hear the screaming and chaos in the background and I'd start twitching. I've known since I was 11 that I didn't want kids. That's when I had my first babysitting job and realized I really wasn't a fan at all. Those feelings were only reinforced as I got older.
Felicity Murdoch 6 years ago
It takes real bravery to admit that you may have issues because of how you were raised. Well done for being able to ignore the pressures to do it because everyone else is!
Nancy Jeckells 6 years ago
I am with you one hundred percent. I realised at about thirteen years of age that I didnt want to have children. I have never changed my mind, and, at 58 and married for twenty one years, am happier than I ever thought possible, all whilst suffering from depression. I never wanted children and don't think I would have been good at raising them. xx
Katherine Karstensen 6 years ago
These reasons are exactly the same as mine. I don’t want to bring a child into the mess of a family that is my side, and I can’t physically take care of a child because of a disability
#12
I'm going to give you the different answer. I met my guy at 26. I was ready for kids at 32. He started stalling, hoping to run my clock out. I thought I was 'too old' to find someone new in time to have kids. I tried to accept it. To find something else to give my life purpose. I have a fulfilling professional career. I donate. I volunteer. I care for my older family members. I have friends. But, you know what? I never got over my anger and resentment of being denied children. Last year, after 20 years together, I ended things. Now I'm back to looking at ways to become a Mom, however that happens. I have my own frozen eggs. I'm open to fostering or adopting. And I don't regret leaving my ex, not even a little. I feel resentment, and cheated. For what it's worth, Embryo adoption is also a thing. It's far more cost effective than domestic infant adoption, and you can generally do it until age 55, after that on a case by case basis. Some people can move past it, others can't until they have exhausted every possible outlet. I'm in the latter category. I wish you peace, with whatever you decide.
Sardonic Scribe 6 years ago
How is he awful for not wanting children? I firmly believe that no one should enter into the contract of marriage without first having a monumental discussion about values and life goals. If kids fits into one person's goals, and not into the other, do the mature thing and end things immediately. As awful as it sounds, this scenario is as much the woman's fault as it is the man's.
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Tammy Ralph 6 years ago
This is heartbreaking to read, I was thinking as I was reading people's stories that how wonderful to be with someone that also didn't want kids, and wondered about couples that one did and the other didn't, how hard that must be for the person that did. I hope this lady will be able to fulfil her dream of having a child of her own.
Erin Sheppard 6 years ago
Dear OP, I adopted through The foster care system in the US AT NO COST!!!! (outside of prep) Please consider, if you're really interested in being a mom. Having never been able to have my own, it was THE BEST DECISION I HAVE EVER MADE.
Erika Jones 6 years ago
A couple in my extended family did embryo adoption. They now have fraternal twin girls, and a biological son who came as a surprise later! Couples do have to agree on whether or not to have children, that's not something you can compromise on. It's important to agree on this before you get married.
Naomi Scrutton 6 years ago
My Aunty's ex did this to her. Told her when they married that he wanted kids but every year he put it off "until next year". He finally told the truth- that he detested kids and had never intended to have any- after my brother stayed with them for a week. My Aunty has become very bitter and resentful.
Sarah Damm 6 years ago
This is why communication is key. Be honest with each other and your wishes
#13
I'm approaching 60, husband is approaching 70, and we get that question a lot. We know we made the right choice. I'm a teacher, so I've spent my life working with wonderful kids, but simply never wanted to go home to more kids after work. We don't know who will take care of us when we're decrepit, but adult children are no guarantee of having care in old age. However, I think we both miss having grandchildren to take places, Christmas is quiet, and family barbecues are non-existant. That part is a bit sad.
JP 6 years ago
There are more ways of having 'grandkids' than having grandkids. So many organizations out there that help kids and need volunteers. You don't have to become foster parents to change a child's life. A 'family' is what you make of it, so if you want family barbecues, full Christmas's and taking children to fun events, then become involved and create a family.
TD Baker 6 years ago
agreed. i don't have kids, but i'm the super, uber cool aunt to my sister's kids and where I worship-l love kids but chose not to have any. that doesn't stop me from sharing gifts and barbecues, i've been going broke over these kids, and love every moment. share the love people, share the love.
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Foxxy 6 years ago (edited)
I won’t be taking care of my parents when they are older 1. My mum is adamant she does not want that. She either wants to be euthanised or put in a home. 2. My dad I don’t have a lot of contact (long story). I also do NOT want my kids looking after me when I get old.
Jill Schneider 6 years ago
I get it! We are in our early 50's and so many friends are grandparents. However, we do have 7 nieces and a great-nephew and we love them to bits!
Teresa Galoob 2 years ago
The reason why thats so sad -& it IS _is because -no matter what , even radical changes our society makes about Family- really Family Traditions still prevail. It's Everywhere- & lasts a lifetime-in ads, social media, neighborhoods, communities, & Institutions. Even same sex marriages desire having kids & marriage. A lot of Holidays & Traditions can slow way down once even the gr. kids are grown too, & even among those who had a few kids & gr. kids can struggle with that time in their lives that can feel "empty" in contrast to the former yrs.. Now that your older, as long as your're not yet "decrepit"-try to go places -at Special times in our culture-where at least part of that time your're with lots of other people ,also "celebrating" the Holiday,either w. their families, or Alone -do something really active -like on the water activities, or bicycling, hiking, kayaking,all in a popular place. Then-plan for a nice, quiet dinner afterward,, & savor the Peace ! Whilst you May!
Judee McKenney 6 years ago
#10........look into being a foster grandparent. Some families could use the support. Or, adopt a child or family to do secret Santa for. Just commit to what you think would work for you and benefit someone else.
Teresa Galoob 2 years ago
Reaching out & caring for others-could work -but only up to a point. Eventually -many elderly couples or single people just really wish they had someones-younger-& preferably a family member-go to them -& add some happiness & brightness to their lives . I think , in our society, today -it's sad, that older family members may be treated like that's just a fantasy & that THEY need to keep on extending Themselves outside the home, which is what they've already spent a lifetime doing -AS IS. (OR do Foster care-etc., It can be all -consuming just caring for an aging partner, or oneself & whats not to understand about Seniors desiring that someone Care for/about Them for once? Our generation was taught to look out for the elderly -even non-related-perhaps our kids could use more of That.. The KIDS should go visiting AND bring something to the table ., if they need to fill a void in THEIR lives. Theres So much They could do for seniors-play games, gardening, cook, or just visit & watch TV .
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#14
I always thought I'd wake up one day and be clucky and ready to start a family. That day never came and I'm pushing 50 now so I've missed my chance. I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake not having kids but its not something i really regret. On the plus side, I am looking at retiring with a 6 figure income at 52, regularly donate and do charity work. In-fact I am looking at starting my own charity at the end of the year to dedicate more time to when I retire. In some ways not having children has/will allow me to help more people than just my immediate family. My suggestion is do what feels right, either way its a big decision that only you and your partner should make.
Alex Bailey 6 years ago
If there is already a charity that covers the area you want to support then please don't start another. Doubles the admin and halves the support. Also, people don't usually understand the role trustees have to play. It's more convoluted than people realise.
Teresa Galoob 2 years ago
I agree with this-but for other reasons from my own perspective. The original statement was about just missing Family or Kids in a persons life -just over their everyday or special holiday lives at home. It wouldn't have been so lacking for them -had we all at least still had a stronger sense of Neighborhood , than what has become Community affairs. Theres a big difference between the two. Today-Community -more Public activities take precedence & can be so impersonal with everyone "playing it safe" through Institutional activity., and that which also demands money or budgets, etc.. We had a neighbor who never had gr. kids & We all Chose to go visit w. them , hang out w them , & spend time off w. them at the beach, etc.. Just as kids-we would join Them. They were happier for it. So many now -their just missing the Mark. But can you blame them ? Not wanting to just knock on a door & introduce themselves ?? But Signing UP for ONE more THING just doesn't "appeal" either . .
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Ellen D. 6 years ago
You are that rare, in my experience, childfree gal who is intent on being of service. Good for you! Not all who are childfree grow spiritually to be of service. I'm sorry, but it's too easy to become selfish and picky and petty if you have no one to answer to but yourself or a spouse. I have found over the years that I just prefer the company of folks who have sacrificed by having children! I agree that many are not psychologically capable though.
Kelly Brown 4 years ago
I totally agree and feel the same way...that I am able to do more good towards others around me without kids or a family to take care of.
katarina 6 years ago
i also was waiting if i would wake up and be ready to start a family. i was like "i don't know if i'm gonna have kids nor if i wanna have them; if i wake up like that - i'm gonna have them, if i don't - i'm not gonna have them". i decided to have kids at my mid 30's but i strongly support people who are still waiting fot the day of waking up and be ready to start a family or who decided not to have kids.
#15
I'm 41 and chilling, do what I want when I want, no money issues, so I'm happy. I never felt like I wanted kids, I just didn't feel I would be a good parent, so I think it would be irresponsible on my part. People still like to tell me I just "haven't found the right girl yet" but I tell them the right girl is one who doesn't want to have kids. Not sure why it's such a big deal, but no one has ever said "good for you, that's awesome". Kinda f**ked up there's enough people on this planet already.
Analyn Lahr 6 years ago
Exactly. Why add to the Earth's overpopulation? If I ever want a human child, I'll adopt or foster one.
Tara Trainor 6 years ago
I feel there are more than enough children already. Resources are dwindling and there are not enough good parents for the children who already exist. I always feel a little sad when I hear someone is having another baby. I have been married for twenty years and we are in our midfifties. People have said a lot of hurtful things to me about not having children. It is OUR choice, and we are very happy about it.
Shelley Ibarra 6 years ago
I meet quite a few young women these days who tell me that they do not want to have children. I always tell them that is great, and that no one should have children just because society tells them to. I have 4 and have never regretted them, but if more people actually listened to their feelings perhaps there wouldn't be so much child abuse.
cablecargal 6 years ago
Good for you, that's awesome! Seriously, good plan. Plenty of women who don't want children are out there, too!
Teresa Galoob 2 years ago
The "right girl" is someone who has Faith in You & Herself & can realize & make you realize too-it's always okay to change your mind. Whose to say how having kids could Really turn out? Many parents end up really pleasantly surprised! Theres an element that those who turn away from having kids will never know -& which is realized -usually among aging parents -& aging kids-that's- Unconditional Love -Now THATS AWESOME! BTW-there are a LOT of GOOD people on this planet too ! Whose to say -YOU couldn't be a parent of one -or two ? THAT would be SO AWESOME!
#16
I’m not that old (37) and I’m not a couple, but I didn’t have kids and I can say undoubtedly, I wouldn’t have accomplished the things I am very proud of in my life if I’d gone down the family route. My nieces and nephews are enough for me, and I can give them back and won’t be held responsible for how they turn out. It’s honestly not a bad deal at all.
Erika Jones 6 years ago
I like how many people mention their nieces and nephews - spending time with other people's kids, family or otherwise, can be great, and much less of a commitment than having your own! I'm sure the kids appreciate the attention, too. :-)
Sarah Holdway 6 years ago
Yes! I'd LOVE it if I had siblings who would encompass my brood when my friends without kids come over they embrace the fun,they have time,theya re not tired and so on <3 it's beautiful. I have a s**t load of kids and I adore them,but I LOVE reading these thing sabout folk who have decided not to.
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#17
I’m 60 now, been married for 29 years. God did not provide me with the proper temperament to raise children. Have never regretted our decision to be child free. We’re good
Id row 6 years ago
Same. A crying baby would have made me have a nervous breakdown. I just don't have it in me.
Featherytoad 3 years ago
I have to mute the T.V. if there's a baby screaming it's lungs out. What does that say?
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RME 6 years ago
I really, really wish everyone was self-aware enough to realize when they're just not equipped to be the type of parent a child deserves. I think that's a completely valid reason not to have kids. Doesn't mean you're some kind of monster, just means that - like most everything in life - some people are naturally better suited to do a thing than others. It takes a LOT of work for me to be the type of parent I want to be, and I fail often. Meanwhile, I envy some of my friends who seem to take to it more easily and enthusiastically. I know people who are in love with having 6+ kids. Meanwhile, I struggle hard to take care of two without losing my mind or being an a$$hole.
#18
My husband and I have been together for 27 years, and we originally said we didn't want kids. Then we thought we should have some, and tried for a decade with no luck. So we had a serious talk, and decided we didn't really want them after all, and stopped trying. Now that the pressure is off and we both feel nothing but relief, we are enjoying life so much. It's wonderful to just be selfish without having to make excuses or feel resentful and be able to travel on our own schedule and make decisions that just impact us. If we could have had kids naturally, no harm, no foul, and we would have loved and accepted them, but it didn't happen, so no worries. And we also don't have to worry about f*cking up another human accidentally. Life is good, and we have the finances and resources to take care of ourselves. The only negative is that we are both the end of the line for our genetic ancestors. But that doesn't seem like a good enough reason to try the crazy fertility treatments beyond what we already did.
Jus 6 years ago
I think having children just because someone wants to is more selfish than not having them to live a free life. Look at this world. Food and water are contaminated. Babies are born sick, with allergies, disabled... Right now there's no happy future for them. My children would inherit all of my diseases and allergies. It would be selfish of me to have a child.
#19
My wife and I are in out mid 40's. I hope that counts as "older". We're very happy with our decision. We have the ability to live a pretty comfortable lifestyle, and I think we generally have a lot less stress than our child-having peers, and we'll be able to retire earlier. Our lives are full and fun, and I get to spend a ridiculous amount of time with my wife (which is the best thing ever). Also, there are some things that you may not think about. For example, I recently had some changes at my job that created a lot of potential income stress. I was flipping out pretty hard. If I had a kid in (or nearly in) college, I might have gone full meltdown. Many of the concerns that went in to our decision not to have kids were centered around our own personalities, so I'm not a "child free" advocate, or anything, but I do think that many people have kids because they are "supposed to" or because the want "someone to take care of them when they're old," which I think is a terrible reason to have kids.
FloC 6 years ago
I do agree with this about all the wrong reasons to have kids. I am childless myself (never wanted any). When people tell me "who will take care of you ?" I think that is very selfish to put this strain on the children.
Brivid 6 years ago
Do you want to know what else is selfish? Older parents that refuse to take care of their own health. They end up being overweight with type 2 diabetes and heart failure. Their knees, feet, hips and back are shot because of the arthritis that the extra weight caused and because they have low muscle tone due to lack of exercise. So that means that my husband and I take care of our elderly parents and our young children at the same time. Take care of yourself so you don't burden your adult children prematurely.
Load More Replies... RME 6 years ago
Am currently watching my mother and uncle struggle to take care of my ailing grandmother. It took years to convince her to go into a nursing home, and even now that she's in it, it's a lot of stress trying to manage her health issues, finances, insurance, etc. My mother has told me repeatedly that we will never have to take care of her like this, and I can see why she feels so strongly about it. I hope my kids never have to take care of me, either.... or that if they do, they've managed to become fabulously wealthy so they can just stick me in a cottage behind their mansion and pay a nurse to look after me while they carry on with their lives.
#20
I fear the answer to this. I'm ambivalent about kids. But I'll never forget holding the hand of a man on his last day in hospice as he said " Oh God, I wish I'd had a child." He was married to one woman for close to 50 years, taught for nearly 40. His room was filled with cards and photos from former students, friends, and family. It's impossible to say if he was lucid, but the regret in his voice was heartbreaking. I say now I'd be happy with children or none; biological, adopted, or step, but until the end I won't ever know.
Id row 6 years ago
And even if he had kids, there's no guarantee they would have been there at the end.
Teresa Galoob 2 years ago
That doesn't have to matter-despite how tragic that becomes. There can still be a sense of fufillment if we at least know our grown kids are doing well & are good to their own families., and so we "Carry On ," even after death . I think it's worse-like for that poor dying man -to have never Known. It's like "Better to have loved & lost, than never having loved at all ".
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#21
My wife and I have been married for 12 years - I am 36 and she is 40, so, yeah, likely not in the cards. It is a reality that, while tough, I am slowly learning to accept. I realized that as a guy, I always look at having kids with rose-colored glasses - ball games, working on my classic car with them, dad jokes, the fun stuff. That's easy for me as it's not my body and sacrifice. My wife is not on board and it's her body and I love and respect her to much to force her hand. If either one of us are not 100% ok with a major decision, we don't do it, end of discussion. I look forward to spoiling my nieces and nephews and spending more time with my wife and continuing to make our world about us, forever.
Demi Zwaan 6 years ago
This is bad for your relationship. One person definitely not wanting kids and the other does, but goes along with the decision. In the end, he will resent her for taking away his chance to have children away and it WILL come up in an unrelated fight. You should really be on the same page on big things like having children and not just ‘respect her decision’.
CrunChewy McSandybutt 6 years ago
Eh, that's not necessarily true. You are assuming this couple hasn't communicated about the decision. I've known a few couples where they didn't agree on having children, and they managed to work through it.
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Ozacoter 6 years ago
This is also one of the problem with some men. They think about the good part of parenthood (playing with the kids, seing them growing etc). But they know that often they can get away with the harder parts, that are usually done by women (waking in the middle of the night, taking them to school, making dinner, helping with homework....).
Nia Loves Art 6 years ago
I would never ever be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want children. This is a major incompatibility. You can push it to the back of your mind but it will be a hole in your life and it will eat at you until your dying day. Get a freakin’ divorce.
Id row 6 years ago
I can see resentment in the future here. You both have to be on the same page with it or the resentment and regret will just keep building.
Tardis42 6 years ago
It sounds more like he always just expected to have kids (and only the good parts of having kids), not that he really yearns to be a dad. I think in time, as long as the rest of the marriage is solid, it won't end up being a relationship breaker for them. He may have regrets, but I'm not sure it it will be as strong as resentment.
Teresa Galoob 2 years ago
Your wife's excuse over "it being her OWN body ", etc., is insulting to those who Did have kids & Still feel our bodies are actually all the More beautiful for it ! Remind her-she won't ALWAYS have a perfect body as she ages-AND she won't have any kids, or gr. kids to Show for it Either. I love what you imagined abt. being a dad ! Too bad your wife didn't feel the same . But I doubt your really OKAY with the decision -afterall -if you WERE-then WHY were you reading & responding to THIS question about childless couples?? WE all need to LIVE in the PRESENT -is where real happiness lies . the Future w. extended Family may be like trying to grab at straws., & a poor Substitute. I must say-my own husband WAS that DAD you imagined yourself as -& it was WONDERFUL ! You may be denying what is perfectly NORMAL to do !!
Lisa Reuss 6 years ago
I disagree (with Demi Zwaan, below) that this is bad for your relationship. When two people are together, and one wants a child and the other doesn't, the one who doesn't "wins" that argument. You cannot bring a child into the world with a parent who doesn't want him/her, hoping that parent will get on board, and possibly ruining that child's life if that parent never does want the child. That's cruel. The adult who does want a child has choices, like they can leave the relationship and find someone who also wants a child. But you cannot make the child pay for your decision to force someone to love them. That's wrong. You made the right decision.
#22
No regrets. Until I was in my mid-20s I always thought I wanted kids. Then I stayed with a couple I knew who had toddlers. They were nice kids, but I remember one Saturday morning they poked me awake for cereal. It was an epiphany. I remember thinking "I will never want this." Fast forward several decades. Not too long ago I was at a family function with an 8 year old. He's not a bad kid, but Christ it was just...loud. Everything was just really loud. XBox, talking all the time, interrupting with questions. Mind you, I'm not complaining about the childrens behavior. They were better than average, from what I can tell. I'm just celebrating my decision not to get involved. I am soooo happy I did not subject myself to that.
Id row 6 years ago
Those kettle whistle shrieks they do...makes me want to jam an oyster fork in my ear.
comboplush 6 years ago
Oh absolutely! Recently, someone with a very shrieky kid moved into my street (I live in an appartment facing other appartments with just a small cobblestone road between, like 16m from my windows to those of my opposite neighbors). She is screaming bloody murder in a banshee voice during the whole day and well into the night. I don't mind that much, I rather feel sorry for the parents (I assume she has some health troubles or something), but it made me aware that THIS is also what could happen if you get a child. You never know with the genetic lottery.
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Beverley Eger 6 years ago
Oh yeah. Just the noise alone. My husband and I have been all over the world - in the middle of a herd of 16 baby elephants -- wandering around Giraffe Manor feeding giraffes -- African safaris. My life has been wonderful -- and that's just it isn't it -- I've been living MY life not my childrens.
Bobby's Girl 6 years ago
For me, no experience outweighs the inevitable unpleasantness children bring to any occasion.
Porto DaMartinica 6 years ago
You can tear the carpet, give the cat a new haircut and snort as much washing powder as you feel for, BUT you'll be damned if you dare poking me awake for cereal, that's on regular day. Now let's have a moment to remember the child who did all this on epiphany
Ruth Beatriz Contreras 5 years ago
I was at a birthday party recently (for an adult) but everyone there had kids except my husband and me. There was...so much screaming. I looked around and none of it felt appealing to me.
#23
I wanted them but never met the right person. I'm REALLY glad I didnt have any of my previous partners- they would either have made terrible mothers or we just did not make for a healthy couple. I have the perfect partner now, and she did fall pregnant, but we lost the baby to Dandy Walker syndrome. Getting a bit too old to try again now. I am very upset that I will not have children, but I don't regret not having children with anyone but my current partner.
Lousha 6 years ago
I always thought that if one day I'd feel that way, realising I wanted kids but by then being "too old" I'd just adopt a slightly older kid. That way a kid with very slim chances of a family would get one, and I'd get to be a mom still. A good deed and a blessing all in one. By now I know that this won't happen, I simply don't want kids. But I don't think those who want them shouldn't have one just because they waited too long or had issues getting a biological one. DNA would not mean anything for me. Apart from my parents I don't keep any contact with any of my family members because they are not worth one moment of my life. So much for blood and all that...
Laugh Fan 6 years ago
Rules change but people need to be careful about thinking adoption will be the answer - a family member was told she was too old at 35. She wasn't allowed to adopt at that 'grand old age'. She hadn't tried before as they didn't know her husband wasn't capable of having children. Awful for them both.
Load More Replies... RME 6 years ago
I am so, so, so fortunate that while I was going through my dysfunctional relationship phase, I realized that while I could subject myself to whatever stupidity I wanted, I had absolutely no business bringing a child into it. I've watched SO many people I know suffer because they had kids with the wrong person.
ASL Mentor 6 years ago
Likewise here - never met the right person who have a child/ren with. The men I was with were unhealthy poor and unhealthy mentality/physically. Now soon to be 50 years old - still single --- I regret I will never have a family of my own to call to. Due to disability and can only work part-time, it's impossible for me to raise an adopted child or even foster a child/ren. I need a partner/maid to help with chores since I cannot do too much physical labor or deal with mental stress. Ironically, I'm a great nanny/babysitter/teacher for children. I have the knack of getting to children's level. All of my nephews and nieces are thousands of miles away (another country) so I have no one to spoil as an auntie. I do have regrets in being child-free but I had to make careful decisions so that my health/finances would not suffer so much. I guess I am helping in reducing the overpopulation but it's still lonely.
Natalia Brown 6 years ago
Very easily in the UK, we use the phrase frequently!
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anarkzie 6 years ago
I can relate to this my ex who I think had "borderline personality disorder" either that or just had crazy temper issues, wanted us to have kids and made it clear very early on that she wanted us to start trying, problem is that I just did not trust her alone with a child. We latter broke up and I'm glad that I don't have her in my life anymore which if we did have kids would have meant that I would still being seeing her now.
Isabella 6 years ago
Sadly, lots of people don't. Adopted children often go back to foster care facilities if adoptive parent is "not happy" with kid :( People think that if you adopt - you can order a kid adjusted to your wantings, My friend was such "returned" kid. Lifelong trauma.
Load More Replies... anarkzie 6 years ago
Common English expression, it means to become pregnant.
Load More Replies... karen snyder 6 years ago
"Fall pregnant..."??? Is that more like falling in love, falling from a cliff, falling ill or like an autumn harvest, pumpkin spice baby? I am sorry for his loss, but leave it to a man to describe pregnancy like a disease.
#24
I go through phases where I regret not having a kid, I still have plenty of time: My wife and I are 36, but we made the decision to be childless a decade ago, maybe more. I understand the appeal of having children and feel it on some primal level, but logically the pros vs. cons of having a kid... there are just far too many cons.
Wizardbg 6 years ago
This. This is exactly my thoughts on it. There is definitely this inherent feeling when I see my friends with children or see the students in my classroom, but at the end of the day the cons are far too much. If I ever decided to have a child, I would gladly foster kids who need a home.
Teresa Galoob 2 years ago
but you won't -foster kids-either-will you ? Or you WOULD have .
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Aria Whitaker 6 years ago
This is a very interesting take, as my husband and I are the same age as this guy and we are at the complete opposite end of this spectrum. We did the whole "pro vs con" thing before we decided to conceive...and the pro side heavily outweighed the con side, so we went with it. Glad we did, my daughter is the best thing in my life, along with my amazing hubby. Different strokes for different folks, glad he had his wife are happy!
#25
I’m sad and in many ways I think my husband is also. He is terrific around our friends’ kids. Me not so much. But I see the unbelievable love that my friends have for their children and that is something I will never know. We’ve had great careers and have a wonderful life together. But it is also true that we also are very much alone without family. Our siblings all live far away and parents are gone. So when we die,that’s it. We have lived a self absorbed life is my guess. It doesn’t feel that good deep down.
Aria Whitaker 6 years ago
Agreed. It seems to be one of the only ones that genuinely feel regret. Maybe they will get into fostering....
Load More Replies... comboplush 6 years ago
I really appreciate people being honest and also voicing potentially unpopular opinions. It really helps in making up one's mind.
Ruth Beatriz Contreras 5 years ago
if it makes you feel any better, even if you had kids, when you die, that's it.
Tara Trainor 6 years ago
That is very sad. You should maybe have some pets. I am NOT going to be sad or regretful for my decision.
Mo Poppins 6 years ago
Why not think BROADER and consider what they could do in service to society? Family is what you make it, and for many, shared DNA means nothing. No guarantees of love and kindness.
karen snyder 6 years ago
It sounds like the decision to not have children is hardly the only decision haunted with regrets. There is nothing to say that life would be less "self absorbed" or lonely had there been offspring around to attend your funeral.
Nia Loves Art 6 years ago
It’s loneliness. Children are the only part of your family you can choose to have.
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#26
I go back and forth. My SO has some significant mental health issues and I know that I would be alone doing much of the emotional labor of raising a child, and I know I'm not really capable of doing it alone. Sometimes I worry very much about what I will do when I am old. I'm an introvert and dont have many friends and am not overly likable, so I assume I will be alone. I just hope that there are some kind robots to take care of me, and that I'll die before the robots turn on us.
Alex Bailey 6 years ago
That is sad but it doesn't sound ideal for a child to be brought up in.
Bobby's Girl 6 years ago
This made me smile, in a sad way. I am also a basically unlikeable introvert with few friends (by choice) and no family nearby (except husband.) I assume I will be alone eventually, as well, and have thought about those robots. When the time comes, perhaps, this poster and I could share a 2-bedroom flat where we could avoid each other as much as possible and still feel less alone :)
Jonahs Mrs 6 years ago
Yeah don't bring a child into this situation...it's selfish and you're going to leave the child with so much pain and unresolved issues. You say you're introverted and not overly likable and your partner woud be unable to raise a child due to mental health issues, children need unconditional love, time and patience and from this brief outline of your life, they wouldn't recieve that from your particular set up, so not having them I think is commendable Hope things improve for you in general just so you and your partner have a better quality of life together x
Teresa Galoob 2 years ago
well-said-there is still so much "work" to be done -over themselves, alone. But-still-one never knows -perhaps if she ended up pregnant & gave it a chance-kids could turn things around for them , and they for the kids. I don't believe it's ideal for parents to wait til everythings so Perfect-either. Life just isn't all that Black & White. You just never know -about Anything. She needs to Quit being fearful about her own future too & so assumptive about any "friendships" & believe in Herself. That would be KEY.
Load More Replies... #27
I love our decision not to have kids. I’ve always had trouble adulting well and the idea of spending all my spare cash on diapers and bottles didn’t appeal to me. I’m selfish, so is the husband, and we are okay with that. I have to prepare for old age because I’m not going to have any kids to look out for me when I’m frail and senile, which sometimes worries me, but then I remember that I didn’t have to raise kids and I smile a bit.
TD Baker 6 years ago
why people say they are selfish? no, they are practical, realistic and self-aware. do you know how many children are raised by selfish parents. messed up for life, then the kids that survive being emotionally abused are either duped into taking care of them or abandoning them. stop saying you're selfish if you don't want kids. i say bravo to you for being responsible. btw, i love kids but grew up in a phyisical and emotionally abusive family, i couldn't run the chance of putting children through that, plus i do have the option of adoption.
D. Pitbull 6 years ago
People say they're selfish because the media, society, probably friends/family have consciously or unconsciously piled that guilt on them. I feel the same way. No matter how much logic or practicality is involved... no matter what the spreadsheets and financial forecasts spell out... we, the "voluntary childless" are always made to feel like we're "lesser" than our friends/family who do have kids. It's a constant bombardment: "Well, you don't know TRUE life and you don't really grow up fully until you have a kid!" ... "The true great love is when you have a child and realize that they are more important than you!"... constant CONSTANT influx of these comments is what makes us childless feel "guilty" for choosing not to have children. It's bs, I know... but it's there.
Load More Replies... Teresa Galoob 2 years ago
I was wondering why the former statement abt. Robots caring for here was "a thing" w. her.
Mo Poppins 6 years ago
Why do people expect themselves to be frail and senile? To a degree, isn’t that a lifestyle choice? My role models are those centenarians who live independently, and are still lucid and healthy. And when you hear their voices, they sound decades younger. Why don’t mor people aspire to be THAT, rather than a burden to people who have their own lives to live, and their OWN bodies to take care of. Geeez...it’s hard enough to maintain self-care, isn’t it?
#28
For my spouse, I can only say that they have physical and psychological issues that they've mentioned that they'd rather not pass on to a child. For myself, I've always said that while I'm occasionally afraid that someday I might regret not having children, that's not the same as wanting children, and that's an important difference to me. I have my own reasons to believe I'd probably not be a good parent. Yeah, we both get concerned sometimes whether anyone will be arsed to care about the sole survivor once the other's gone or incapacitated. But this thought is the result of our decisions, not a basis for changing our minds about having kids, which we will not. Having kids or not is no guarantee that you’ll end up cared for or not anyway, though it does probably move the needle on your odds.
Charley CharleyEx 6 years ago
I'm 74. Never wanted the BS of raising kids. Retired at age 53. A wonderful life for my wife and me.
Catffirmations 6 years ago (edited)
I think more people should be more aware of their physical, mental, and emotional limitations. I have a myriad of health issues and I would never want to pass my bad genes to someone else, knowing they will spend their lives suffering. I am shocked how many people have children despite knowing the high likelihood of passing on genetic conditions or diseases; to me, that is true selfishness.
#29
Not older, I'm 34 and my wife is 31. Our lives are pretty f**king awesome. We do whatever we want whenever we want, and our focus and attention is on one-another. This really is the life for me, and she would tell you the exact same thing about herself. We are also the super-cool-but-quirky aunt and uncle that spoil the nieces and nephews, take them to do s**t their parents wouldn't usually/ever do... I mean it's great. I feel I'm surrounded by far, far too many people who are far, far to envious of us when they hear about our lives vs theirs, completely consumed by their children.
misteriosa 6 years ago
To be honest, I too would be a little bit envious while hearing such stories of awesomeness because I am supertired, chronically lacking sleep and my patience is stretched to the limits, but then again, when I come home and put these three monkeys to bed, I know there's no place I'd rather be at that moment but beside them. Sounds a bit masochistic, haha.
Aria Whitaker 6 years ago
It is just so interesting to me to read these. It has really brought home the point of "one mans trash is another mans treasure". They use words like "consumed", "suffer", "deal with", "burden"...and that has just NOT been my experience! I LOVE that my life is "consumed" by my child!! I LOVE that I have to "suffer" raising her! Of course the late nights when she was an infant were annoying, but I can not imagine not having her here! I am not always broke, irritable or depressed as they seem to think parents are...I just cant relate to "poor suffering parent" thing I keep reading about. I am 100 times happier with my baby than without her...being her mom does not seem masochistic at all, to me at least.
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Biljana Malesevic 6 years ago
There are more than 7 billion humans on Earth, why would we need more? most planet is on fire, or flooding, or has some other catastrophic event which humans caused. We are going to exterminate not only us, but whole planet. So, who feels the need to bring more humans into this world? We should plant more trees, help animals, especially endangered species, get rid of factories that pollute and plastics. I don't really care that someone does not want children, it's their choice, I don't understand why do we even need more people on this suffocated planet.
Rae K 6 years ago
I'm 29 and single because most every guy I've gone on a date with wants to have kids in the future. My immediate family has finally accepted that I will never have kids. My friends don't really care. I have a few coworkers that like to drop the old 'you'll find the right guy and then you'll want kids' (so annoying). I wish there was a dating site exclusively for people who have chosen to not have kids...
Rose Kindred 6 years ago
Okcupid does have a filter but adding it to your profile can work, though you’ll probably also find people taking it as a challenge I fear.
Load More Replies... Alex Bailey 6 years ago
I'm glad for them but this does sound like they are trying just too hard to convince everyone.
Jay Jefferson 3 years ago
Just sounds like you are trying hard to convince yourself you made the right choice. Everyone has a right to their choice, but choosing to focus on just one other person will eventually tire for anyone. Admittedly, I have 3 children I adore and 7 grandchildren that definitely make life incredibly interesting.
Ruth Beatriz Contreras 5 years ago
yeah, when moms talk to me about stuff and how tired, overwhelmed, unappreciated, and frustrated they seem, and then ask me, "what's new with you guys?" I almost feel guilty saying, "we just got back from diving in Mexico" or "nothing, we've been working and hanging out with dog, same old."
#30
We are in our late fifties, we earn average money but because we don't have kids we have a lot of disposable income. Also I don't think I could have coped with the worry of having a child in today's horrible world. Both our mothers are in homes. We still make sure they're ok. There's no one to look after us. I sometimes want to ask my wife if she regrets not having kids but daren't. If she said yes it would destroy me.
Katchen 6 years ago
The average age of a child in the American foster care system is 8. If they wanted to they could positively impact the life of an older child without the 18 years and biological hardship of having their own children.
Hello Dolly 6 years ago
I got adopted at 17! This is so true. I had several times where I could have been adopted before but my birth mother put her own need to have children above my own welfare. I still take care of my birth mom to this day but I don’t have love for her. I am truly greatful for my true family. I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for them.
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Debbie Faircloth 5 years ago
I have nothing but respect for those who have decided not to have children. It's a personal decision and people should back off on questioning the reasons. And, for those who were unable to have a child and truly wanted one, I am so sorry but glad to know that there are options for you. For those who seem to have contempt for those who decided to have children, just stop. The great majority of us take care of our children. Yes, we made a personal decision and don't deserve questioning our choice. I gave birth to one child. It was my choice not to have more and, like those who chose to remain childless, I have no regrets.
Amelia stephenson 6 years ago
It would have been nice to hear more people who had regrets, would have been insightful.
Michele Clarke 6 years ago
I am 48, never wanted kids and have No regrets!! Kids aren't for everyone! I am an Aunt, that is good enough for me!
#31
Mid-40s couple. We feel regrets, lots of regrets. However, we are a somewhat special case, and might still have a shot. We are past the normal age of having a child, but we froze our gametes ages ago, just in case we changed our mind about not having children. For us, the decision not to have kids was more practical than ideological. At the time, we both had chronically ill family members that required a lot our time and, more importantly, mental energy. The idea of throwing a kid in the mix seemed unpleasant and unfair all around. Also, neither of us had much desire to have kids, we just enjoyed each others company and that was more than enough back then. Having kids seemed like a hugely stressful experience even in the best of circumstances and we could easily side-step it, so why not? I was the type of person who loved kids (I adore all my nephews), as long as I could give them back to their parents after some time. I am a geneticist, and the full reason I thought we should freeze our gametes was that I thought, if we did ever decide to have kids - even while we can still do it "naturally" but we are older - I wanted us to have young gametes and to have the embryos screened. I know this seems unromantic, but see our practical attitudes towards life, above. Things are really different now since we made that decision not to have kids all those years ago. We have fewer responsibilities and our financial situation is great. We've had the chance to live and travel all over the world, live for our careers, and spend years and years in just the company of each other. I feel like we got all we can out of being childfree, and we feel a longing to have a family of our own, meaning a family of more than just us two. So, now we feel a lot of regrets. Regrets about not having a kid at all and not doing it when we were younger. Old as we are, we will likely now go back to our egg- and spermcicles and give it a go if our doctor says it's OK. The funny thing is, I think my answer might be completely different if we were in the same situation now but didn't have the gametes available. I think we might not allow ourselves the luxury of regrets. When what's done is done and can't be reversed, I think it's natural to just want to look at the brighter side of things, particularly when it's a mistake you can't learn much from.
#32
Not having children is a big deal in my life. Yet my husband was diagnosed with MS the year were were married. His mother had it and his grandmother did. Met with a geneticist and found out we had an 80% chance we would have a child with MS. He is and has been healthy for 28 years after 5 years of issues due to the wonderful medication that was finally invented. Yet we could not live with the guilt of having a child with MS. We could not adopt either. Before the ADA act was fully implemented we could not adopt a child because he had MS. Even after that, they left us on the bottom of the list. We did not choose this. But are fine without kids. We just love and care for the kids around us.
Dr John A Truman 6 years ago
my thoughts and prayers to you and your family, I truly understand. I have been diagnosed with RRMS about 4 years ago however my two kids are 17 and 15, so far knock on wood they have no signs of MS at all but my fear is it could set in later in life like what happened to me.
#33
Not an ‘older couple’ but my SO and I have been together for 9 years (now in our 30’s). I never wanted kids as long as I can remember and he doesn’t either. I have one nephew on my side and friends who have kids. That’s enough for me. The thought of being pregnant terrifies me. I legit have nightmares of being preggo or actually having a kid. I am content with caring for critters that will be spoiled AF and being the cool funky Aunt to nieces, nephews and friends kids.
#34
Been married for 21 years and initially we tried to have kids but found out that it was going to be hard to do. Wife was heartbroken at first, but I was somewhat relieved. It's a lot of responsibility and your life changes to accommodate a child. Over the years, wife has actually said a few times that she was glad we didn't have kids because we couldn't have had the adventures we did. I feel like it was the right choice and we're better off due to not having kids. We love our life and are continuing our adventures now in our 50's and we're starting to make plans for retirement.
#35
I have a professor at my university who has been married to his wife for 50 years, and they have no children. He calls us his children and always talks about how he and his wife are inseparable. He's a really eccentric and energetic guy, even in his 70's. He gives out candy to the entire class before every lecture he gives. He seems like he truly loves life and has no regrets about not having any children.
#37
Together for 20 years. We're the same age. Both mid 40's now. We were both on the same page about children for the first 10 years, which was "maybe". We felt no pressure to start popping on kids during our 20's and early 30's. We felt like we needed to make a decision around age 35. That's when we started actually telling people that we weren't going to have children. We're both career professionals. We have 4 legged children that we spoil and take with us on adventures. We live comfortably and play often. We got all the time we wanted nurturing 4 nieces and nephews and countless friends' kids. It was nice to try it on for an overnight or weekend here and there. We love to spoil the kids and then hand them back after mom and dad got to have a little time together. No regrets. Any longing for having a little one quickly passes and we go back to enjoying our romance and our critters. I'm usually saddened when I hear my friends complain about the woes of parenthood, and worse, when they become teenagers and start to have serious problems with school, drugs, and police. I feel that we're pretty lucky to be aligned in values regarding over-population and global instability. It would really suck to be stuck in a stalemate.
#38
Bf is in his late 50s and I am 45. No regrets. I got to live all over the USA and made some quick and dirty decisions that paid off which I wouldn't have been able to if i had a kid or two in tow. I feel a lot more nimble than any of my friends who have kids do. I also enjoy the downtime a lot. A LOT! I can't fathom having my day packed with shit to do like my friends with kids have. I don't even have a calendar and I often go days without knowing what day it is. Lol I'm going to probably retire with my bf in the next decade unless something lucrative turns up...Would never have been able to do that with kids either.
#39
The biggest reasons I never had kids. Im an only child and prefer being alone. I would be scared stiff the kid would be disabled and Id be stuck with the problems and the guilt. I dont like kids.
Sill Marien 6 years ago
Have kids or don't - either way is good if you chose it. Just don't go around and change your fu...ing mind after 9 years of relationship where you have both agreed not to have kids and then decide you do want kids and immediately impregnate some spring chicken -_-
#40
I'm 41, hes 43 and we've been married 22 years. It just...never happened. We never have used birth control, but we never went out of our way find out if one or both of us were infertile. The first half of our marriage I wanted children. I was very sad seeing my friends have their babies and raising them. Not jealous, just envious I guess. Now? I'm actually relieved. I have mental health issues and I'm sure I would have somehow screwed them up. I also wouldn't have had all the time with my husband to enjoy his love and company (I'm honestly quite codependent). All my friends with kids, save one couple, are divorced and it really sucks for the kids. I love loving on my friends babies (and now grandbabies) but it's awesome to be able to hand them back when they poop or cry.
#41
Sometimes it's not a decision. My wife and I went through several rounds of increasingly serious in-vitro fertilization and ICSI procedures before the doctors told us they just couldn't help us. (Well, she went through the procedures, I just jerked it into a vial. Mother Nature is sexist AF.) If there was a choice, it was that we chose not to adopt after all that. I think we needed time to deal with the emotional strain, or just didn't want to think about kids for a while, I dunno. But the years have rolled by and we've gotten older, I'm more and more convinced I wouldn't have the energy to adopt now ... and hell, I'm not even sure we've got the energy to be good parents even if we'd started on schedule. I get a little sad when I see cute little kids and their families out in the world, but for the most part it doesn't bother me much, and on good days I think it's probably for the best, both for my wife and I and for the world. Mostly anyway.
#42
Sad since I'm basically alone with no family or friends. I collapsed a couple of months ago with bad chest pains, and fortunately after a couple of hours I was able to reach my phone.
Alex Bailey 6 years ago
Sorry about the situation you are in but having children doesn't guarantee that they'll be there for you either.
#43
Have an aunt and uncle (not by blood but a very close family friend) who said he know he did not want them because he didn't want to risk exposing them to his temper. His wife (aunt) didn't feel she was capable to raise them. So they didn't. They told my dad (who is one of his best friends) that they would be disappointed if they had them and they did not turn out like my siblings and I. Also, they said they had enough friends who had kids that if they needed to get a parent-child experience taste then they could just give them a call, enjoy it for a few hours, then get back to their life.
#44
Considering any kids I have would have a 50% chance of having friedrich-like ataxia with vitamin e deficiency. I don't feel bad at all.
#45
Been married almost 19 years. We tried to have kids in the beginning but couldn't get pregnant. What followed were serious health issues between the two of us that stalled our efforts. In 2017, I had to have a hysterectomy. We were fortunate that we had a niece and nephew that we consider our "kids." Their dad was a drug addict and their mom was seriously mentally ill, so we unofficially took them in. Now that niece has an on-again, off-again drug habit and many personal problems, and we have a similar relationship with her son and daughter, though their grandmother currently had custody. Not the best situation, but at least we have had opportunities to step into parental roles. At this point, we are pretty set in our ways and have accepted that we don't have kids. We have a great marriage and we like our peace and quiet.
#47
I wish I had had kids
Kristin Matika 6 years ago
Greatest regret of my life and it wasn't even my choice. In my earlier dating life, I was engaged to a lovely man for 7 years, until he came out of the closet. So, no marriage and no kids. I didn't find "the one" until I was in my 40's, and got married at 45. By that time, I had cervical cancer and a total hysterectomy. No bio kids possible. To adopt? Nope, haven't been married long enough since he was previously divorced. Also, too fat, too old, etc. etc.so many barriers put up. Now my great sadness is not only did I not get to have children but I will never have the joy of grandchildren either.
What do you think ?
John Louis 6 years ago
It's nobody's business whether you have children. End of story! I am 57 and never regretted never siring offspring. I know plenty of people who feel otherwise. There's no reason to even discuss it except to make this point: It's your decision and no one else need express or have an opinion on the matter.
B 6 years ago
My ex and I decided we wouldn't have children (because, reasons). Then later she decided she wanted them, and for the sake of contentment and keeping our marriage happy we had them. The stress and disagreements that they caused (not their fault, of course, but different parenting methods) was one of the reasons she is now my ex. My advice: think very carefully wbout WHY you're having kids if that's what you decide. If it's 'because that's what everyone does' it's not a good enough reason.
KrisF 6 years ago
Just had a conversation with my dad last night about how I don't want biological kids and am kind of ambivalent about having them at all if I ever meet someone (which is something else I've always been ambivalent about). I have had lifelong health issues that are genetic, and it has always made basic things difficult. I don't want any child to go through what I did and it's pretty much a 50/50 chance that any kid I have will get it to some degree (all of my siblings have it, though not as severe). He doesn't get it and spent most of the conversation trying to talk me out of it.
Catffirmations 6 years ago
I agree completely. I think more people should be more aware of their physical, mental, and emotional limitations. I have a myriad of health issues and I would never want to pass my bad genes to someone else, knowing they will spend their lives suffering. I am shocked how many people have children despite knowing the high likelihood of passing on genetic conditions or diseases; to me, that is true selfishness.
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Slinkman 6 years ago (edited)
And still.. i'm 31 and still not sure if i want children, my girlfriend is on the same page. I work every day with children and love my nephew and niece (very happy about the fact there will be a third one later this year), but i don't feel the need of having children of my own. When you share this thought with other people, they often look at you as if you slapped them in the face. Like they are saying : 'No children of your own in your life, that's just not done, what abnormal person are you?! But still, i'm not going to raise a child when i'm not ready for him or her, that''s not fair to them and not fair to myself. I very much enjoy children, but i also very much love my freedom and the fact i'm not 24/7 responsible for a life i helped create. Downvote me if you think it's what you have to do, but that's how i'm feeling. Maybe it sounds weird but i rather have a dog to care for instead, and that is definitely going to happen. Love animals ;)
Isabella 6 years ago
That look on people's face, when you state you don't want or need kids? It's often jealousy. People have kids because "it's the right thing to do" or "because I am an adult" or "all other people have kids" or "a natural way of things to go..." and other b-s**t. Most of them have kids for wrong reasons. And then they regret this. But it is socially unacceptable to state that you regret having a kid. So they suffer. Alone with their feelings, unable to share. There was work about how many women regret motherhood - over 56% regret it and asked if they had knew what it is to have kids if they had them again - they always say no. One lady even stated she had suicidal thoughts because of regretting motherhood - she lived with believing that she is a bad person when it was her husband who forced having kid. Mind that in many countries abortion is not an option, sadly. Only small percentage of people have kids for right reasons.
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Lara Harris 6 years ago
I'm 45 he's 50. We made the decision together or rather... We both discussed it one day (well before marriage) and realised both of us weren't interested in having kids. Interestingly, I have 4 siblings, only one has kids (and he was tricked into that), my hubby has two siblings. Both of us really like our lives. We're happy as we are.
Elizabeth 6 years ago
Everyone I've ever met without kids has a list of very good reasons why they didn't. Few people I've met with kids have any sort of list as to why they had kids. This really should be the other way around. I know we need children to continue our species but we don't live in biblical times, we have antibiotics and medicine. We need to control our population growth!!!!
Demi Zwaan 6 years ago
I never liked to play with baby dolls, never pictured a future with children and as I aged, I really didn’t like children. I see a kitten, I awww. I see a baby, I feel nothing. Kind of like how most people would feel about a pet snake. They look nice, you know the owner loves them, so you say nice things and you’d never want to harm them, but there’s no fuzzy warm feeling. Luckily, my husband feels the same way, so we never even considered having children. We’re 43 and 48 now, no regrets.
Noez 🇸🇪 6 years ago
I'm a 36 y/o woman. Never wanted kids, ever. My own violent childhood is most likely the main reason, but I also see having kids as an ineffective choice... They're loud, take wayyy to long time to grow and be born and even longer time to make it on their own, they're expensive, they seem to absorb all energy from the parents, and the world is sometimes a nasty, horrid, awful place! There's not even a guarantee that a kid will grow up to be a good person, no matter how much love and support they get they can still become fools (I consider at least half my relatives to be quite foolish) that people wouldn't want to be with if they weren't related. How anyone despite all of this would even think to have "one of those" (kids) and take on the hard work and time and worry to take care of them is beyond me. I do salute you who do this and actually succeed with it YOU ALL DESERVE A PRIZE, but secretly I'm gonna wonder if you're insane..... As I said, I see kids as an ineffective choice.
John Louis 6 years ago
It's nobody's business whether you have children. End of story! I am 57 and never regretted never siring offspring. I know plenty of people who feel otherwise. There's no reason to even discuss it except to make this point: It's your decision and no one else need express or have an opinion on the matter.
B 6 years ago
My ex and I decided we wouldn't have children (because, reasons). Then later she decided she wanted them, and for the sake of contentment and keeping our marriage happy we had them. The stress and disagreements that they caused (not their fault, of course, but different parenting methods) was one of the reasons she is now my ex. My advice: think very carefully wbout WHY you're having kids if that's what you decide. If it's 'because that's what everyone does' it's not a good enough reason.
KrisF 6 years ago
Just had a conversation with my dad last night about how I don't want biological kids and am kind of ambivalent about having them at all if I ever meet someone (which is something else I've always been ambivalent about). I have had lifelong health issues that are genetic, and it has always made basic things difficult. I don't want any child to go through what I did and it's pretty much a 50/50 chance that any kid I have will get it to some degree (all of my siblings have it, though not as severe). He doesn't get it and spent most of the conversation trying to talk me out of it.
Catffirmations 6 years ago
I agree completely. I think more people should be more aware of their physical, mental, and emotional limitations. I have a myriad of health issues and I would never want to pass my bad genes to someone else, knowing they will spend their lives suffering. I am shocked how many people have children despite knowing the high likelihood of passing on genetic conditions or diseases; to me, that is true selfishness.
Load More Replies... Slinkman 6 years ago (edited)
And still.. i'm 31 and still not sure if i want children, my girlfriend is on the same page. I work every day with children and love my nephew and niece (very happy about the fact there will be a third one later this year), but i don't feel the need of having children of my own. When you share this thought with other people, they often look at you as if you slapped them in the face. Like they are saying : 'No children of your own in your life, that's just not done, what abnormal person are you?! But still, i'm not going to raise a child when i'm not ready for him or her, that''s not fair to them and not fair to myself. I very much enjoy children, but i also very much love my freedom and the fact i'm not 24/7 responsible for a life i helped create. Downvote me if you think it's what you have to do, but that's how i'm feeling. Maybe it sounds weird but i rather have a dog to care for instead, and that is definitely going to happen. Love animals ;)
Isabella 6 years ago
That look on people's face, when you state you don't want or need kids? It's often jealousy. People have kids because "it's the right thing to do" or "because I am an adult" or "all other people have kids" or "a natural way of things to go..." and other b-s**t. Most of them have kids for wrong reasons. And then they regret this. But it is socially unacceptable to state that you regret having a kid. So they suffer. Alone with their feelings, unable to share. There was work about how many women regret motherhood - over 56% regret it and asked if they had knew what it is to have kids if they had them again - they always say no. One lady even stated she had suicidal thoughts because of regretting motherhood - she lived with believing that she is a bad person when it was her husband who forced having kid. Mind that in many countries abortion is not an option, sadly. Only small percentage of people have kids for right reasons.
Load More Replies... Lara Harris 6 years ago
I'm 45 he's 50. We made the decision together or rather... We both discussed it one day (well before marriage) and realised both of us weren't interested in having kids. Interestingly, I have 4 siblings, only one has kids (and he was tricked into that), my hubby has two siblings. Both of us really like our lives. We're happy as we are.
Elizabeth 6 years ago
Everyone I've ever met without kids has a list of very good reasons why they didn't. Few people I've met with kids have any sort of list as to why they had kids. This really should be the other way around. I know we need children to continue our species but we don't live in biblical times, we have antibiotics and medicine. We need to control our population growth!!!!
Demi Zwaan 6 years ago
I never liked to play with baby dolls, never pictured a future with children and as I aged, I really didn’t like children. I see a kitten, I awww. I see a baby, I feel nothing. Kind of like how most people would feel about a pet snake. They look nice, you know the owner loves them, so you say nice things and you’d never want to harm them, but there’s no fuzzy warm feeling. Luckily, my husband feels the same way, so we never even considered having children. We’re 43 and 48 now, no regrets.
Noez 🇸🇪 6 years ago
I'm a 36 y/o woman. Never wanted kids, ever. My own violent childhood is most likely the main reason, but I also see having kids as an ineffective choice... They're loud, take wayyy to long time to grow and be born and even longer time to make it on their own, they're expensive, they seem to absorb all energy from the parents, and the world is sometimes a nasty, horrid, awful place! There's not even a guarantee that a kid will grow up to be a good person, no matter how much love and support they get they can still become fools (I consider at least half my relatives to be quite foolish) that people wouldn't want to be with if they weren't related. How anyone despite all of this would even think to have "one of those" (kids) and take on the hard work and time and worry to take care of them is beyond me. I do salute you who do this and actually succeed with it YOU ALL DESERVE A PRIZE, but secretly I'm gonna wonder if you're insane..... As I said, I see kids as an ineffective choice.
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